The Meltdown with Jonah and Kumail (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

The One with the Childhood Crushes

1 gonna have some kind of dreams gonna be a slow poke I know living so far away I'm leaving the sky today ay ay ay ay day ay ay ay wah Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts, jonah ray and kumail nanjiani! Yay! This is for you guys.
Grabbing your boobs.
Grabbing your boobs.
Is that the wrong direction? There's only one direction.
How many one direction fans are here? And just be honest, this is a safe place.
Oh, you're an idiot.
I'm joking.
Yeah, yeah.
Are you a one direction fan? You are.
No, it's okay.
So, how old are you? That's slightly too old.
Yeah, yeah.
What's your name? Frankie.
Frankie That's a great name.
Um, it's too weird, it's like-- 20, 20, kumail, 20.
D'uh-- I'm-- Kumail (o.
): Um, what's their big song? Oh, you don't know you're beautiful? That's why you're beautiful.
Do you know you're beautiful? You don't know? 20.
Yeah, bro, could you just give me like 30 seconds? Do you know you're beautiful? That's what makes you beautiful? You're like-- you've like bought into this.
Jonah (o.
): Yeah.
Well, you're beautiful, frankie.
20! Are you-- Did any-- Th-- who likes the shins? I just want her to know she's beautiful.
Oh, god.
Tell her in your van, kumail.
Have you ever had vodka? Eeew! It's really good.
It makes you feel beautiful.
This is-- this show has two speeds.
Racism and statutory.
And baby, this ain't racism.
Steven agee, you're so great!.
Kumail (o.
): Are you guys ready for more show? Jonah (o.
): Ladies and gentlemen, steve agee! Wow, that was awesome.
This is a very exciting night.
It's actually been a great day.
I found out earlier, I can in fact, [bleep] my way out of a paper bag.
Take that, linda, my estranged wife.
It wasn't that difficult.
It's even easier if it's wet.
I, uh, when I was in college, me and my best friend sam, were sitting there High, and I mean like college high.
We were sitting around in my apartment, and we were desperately 45 minutes, trying to remember the name of the actress Who played the receptionist in ghostbusters.
45 minutes, it's two of us just sitting there going Agh! Don't talk, it's on the tip of my tongue, dude! After 45 minutes, out of nowhere my friend just gives up and goes "screw it, I'm gonna make soup.
" That was weird, because no one ever cooked in my apartment.
So he gets up and he goes into the kitchen, and I hear him digging around And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he goes "hey, man, do you have any pots?" I go, "yeah, dude, nice one, nice save, you got it.
" And he's like-- he doesn't realize it, he's like, "what?" I go, "annie potts, the actress, her name was annie potts.
" He realized what happened, and he comes out of the kitchen trembling.
Like convulsing.
He's like, "dude, what just happened?" And then, I realize it, and I start shaking.
I'm like, "dude, I don't know.
That's crazy, right?" Try telling me there's no god after hearing that.
I picture him up in heaven watching us, going, "you idiots! It's annie potts! "people are starving and they need my help, but I'm invested in this now.
"uh, okay, think, oh, okay, um-- "all right, I'll make the little one crave soup "and then I'll hide the fat guy's pots.
"and then I'm gonna invent the internet "because I don't have time for this incidental bullshit.
" Yeah, what's yours, baby? All right.
First off, I want to state that I am married, to a woman.
But my first huge crush was robin hood.
The cartoon! The cartoon robin hood fox, that was like my first crush Where I was watching the disney version of robin hood.
He's a fox.
He's a fox.
In more ways than one.
He, like, it's like I saw it and I was just like "oh, he's so charming and he is so--" And then, like, I started becoming a big fan of george clooney And I never knew why I was so into him right away.
And then when fantastic mr.
Fox came out I saw him in fox form and I was like, "oh!" Because he's thinking, if robin hood the fox was a human Yes! That's george clooney's entire life.
That's his life, he's just a charming, kind of whatever Wants to do, gives things to the poor, it's great.
My first crush wa-- okay, did you guys ever see, uh Sleeping beauty? That cartoon? Oh, wait, that's like, kinda rape-y.
Okay, but that's not my crush.
My crush was the bad lady from, you remember, maleficent? Yeah, oh my god, so hot.
The one that turns into a dragon? Yeah! What's hotter than that? You just like have sex with her and then you get a dragon ride! She's got two horns, I know where one of them is going, right? I don't know where one of them is going.
And then, I found out that there's gonna be a movie Coming out called maleficent, starring angelina jolie! So, it's like I went back through time and space And met a 12-year-old me and we just high-fived our boners.
We just rubbed our boners together.
And it's not pedophilia, at worst, it's statutory masturbation.
I feel like I could seduce a younger version of me.
Let me guess, you like donatello? Here's a twix.
Twix, that makes a lot of sense.
Two little brown sticks next to each other.
And your husband's out there talking about his first crush.
So I don't want to create acrimony here I'm very comfortable.
Because they work very closely together.
I'm very comfortable.
But he's talking about stuff.
He cheats on me constantly.
Wow, but only with cartoon characters.
I have a wife and five kids and sometimes I get sent to the store.
If I get sent to the store, it's for one item and usually a convenience store.
In this case, it was a carton of milk.
Outside the convenience store, I noticed a man standing over to the left.
He has one leg But he also has a t-shirt on that says, "leg story, $10.
" What do I know? I have two pieces of information.
There's a man with one leg, and a story to tell.
Who am I to judge? This guy could inspire me With his story.
Hand him a ten dollar bill, say, "all right, sir, I'd like to hear your story.
"what is it, are you a vet?" He said, "no, sir, here's my story.
"the wife and I went to a second-hand thrift store.
"we came upon a recliner.
"I said 'we're buying it.
' "my wife said it smells like mold.
I said, 'shut yours, woman.
' "we loaded it into the pick-up truck.
"as we got home, I put the recliner in front of the television and I sat down.
"and then I exclaimed, 'argh!' "a spring had sprung loose from the back of the recliner "and impaled the back of my leg.
"I didn't let on to the wife.
"a little later that evening, she exclaimed it was time for dinner.
"I said, 'I'll be eating in the new recliner.
' "I realized I could not extricate myself from said spring at that point.
"even later that night, she said she's going to bed.
"I said, 'I'll be sleeping in the new recliner,' "which was a mistake, because as I slept "that spring dug deeper slinky-like into the back of my leg.
"in the morning, my wife awoke and announced she'd be staying at her sister's For a couple days.
'good for you,' I said, 'bad for me.
' "as I realized soon thereafter, that spring must have had some rust on it.
"because I got tetanus, which causes lockjaw.
"she returned two days later, and as you can imagine at this point "I could not speak and I had defecated all over myself.
"she called the emergency medical technicians.
"they removed me from the recliner, took me to the hospital and removed my leg.
"end of story.
" Well, okay, less inspiring than I'd hoped.
More of a cautionary tale About hubris and arrogance.
But thank you for your story.
I have some milk to procure.
He said, "would you like to hear how I lost my left nut for another ten dollars?" I said, "no, I think I'm good.
" He said, "I'll show you for five.
" Let me tell you something, folks.
That's the best five dollars I ever spent.
What were your first crushes? First crush.
Let's-- just raise your hand.
Yes, sir.
Ooh! Wait! Christina ricci in the addams family.
Addams family values was when she tears shit up at the camp.
And then you want to-- like, yeah, that stirred up a lot of stuff for me.
And then, like, the boy she likes is like this nebbishy glasses kid Yeah.
Let's do a couple more.
A couple more.
Joey mcintyre from new kids on the block.
You know what, it's hard when women had crushes on people who were so different from me.
That's what's hard, like-- oh, jesus-- There was nobody here that had a crush on anyone who was-- Aladdin? I was wrong.
That doesn't feel good, either.
Well, tonight I'm doing something where I'm actually gonna do-- I'm setting three-- something I've always wanted to do.
Three mics One is gonna be for regular bits.
One mic is gonna be for bits that don't have very much-- just like orphans.
Just like one-liners.
In the middle is gonna be for true emotional things.
We're gonna start with orphans.
Must be nice to be old, because you can wear like a band-aid on your face for no reason.
And also you can make noises and people just accept it.
Where you can just be like-- ( clears throat ) Um, I've had two girls break up with me in the last year And I like, [bleep], I cried really hard.
And usually I cry, 'cause when I break up with girls, because I feel guilty.
But this time I cried, because I felt like, loss.
Look, these computers are too powerful, am I right? Just these phones and computers are great, but they're too powerful.
We're turn-- we're all like roman emperors now Just on our computers all day On facebook and youtube.
Don't like, that I like.
Incoming call Ignore.
We gotta figure this out, because we have people giving these, that are not qualified.
Because I was on youtube, beethoven's 5th symphony.
Dih-dih-- Like the most famous song of all-time.
10,000 dislikes on youtube.
I'm not kidding, that many people were like "your music stinks, bro, and I know music, I'm from tampa.
Thumbs down.
" That aspca commercial, with sarah mclachlan? And they had to-- they had to-- they finally stopped doing it.
Because they were-- they were saving a lot of dogs But a lot of human beings were taking their own lives.
Oh, um, so I have depression and I take anti-depressants.
And people-- like people go-- It's like it's stigmatized, people were like, "you're weak.
" And it's like, I'm not weak, I just, like, I don't wake up and go, "I'm weak.
" I just go like, "oh, this is fair.
" I got no hobbies.
I actually, I watch documentaries, that's my only hobby.
I watched this really good lance armstrong documentary.
It's called the armstrong lie, anybody see it? All right, it's fantastic, one guy.
Um, fantastic.
Going to the movie, I thought-- we all thought about lance armstrong Which was he's a piece of garbage.
But now that I've seen the movie, it's a little more complicated than that Because, all right, he won the tour de France seven times On drugs every time, but here's the thing.
He also raised $100 million for cancer research.
Say what you want about the guy, but he figured out a way to do drugs for charity.
That's something.
And it must have been hard to resist, too, because if someone came to me and was like "neal, you can cure pediatric aids, but you're gonna have to do a ton of cocaine.
" I'd be like, "let's help some kids, huh?" That's kind of new.
You waited a long time.
Late bloomer, that's not a good-- that's-- I don't-- Uh Uh, I think someone just said my name.
Wait, do you just show up when your name's called.
Well, when it involves a crush, I do.
Uh That's her.
Who? I'm sorry, who is it, you? Yeah.
Uh, I'm adam.
What's your name? Danielle.
Danielle, hi.
I feel like we should leave the room.
No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to make this weird for anybody.
I just wanted to say hello, and say thank you And, uh-- Do you want to like, come up here and-- Kumail (o.
): What's gonna happen? Jonah (o.
): I-- I don't-- Kumail (o.
): Oh, no.
Adam (o.
): Hi.
Danielle (o.
): Hi.
I'm adam, sorry, I already said that.
I already said that.
You already introduced yourself.
Like, where are you from? I live here in la.
La, did you-- oh, that's convenient.
Sorry, kumail, do you-- do you have something you need to say? Can I I'm sorry, bro.
Speak with danielle? No, no, I don't want to-- Mow another guy's lawn, I don't know.
Thank you.
It's not his lawn yet.
I-- I-- I hope I'm not jumping the gun Or any other, this is weird, or whatever, but, um, like Will you marry me? Uh, you're married.
Yeah, you're married.
You have a kid.
I am no longer married.
I more mean like-- where do you secretly want to go? When I see a person that's using-- like a maria bamford.
Well, that's so out of-- in the ether, it's hard to-- When I go, "oh, man, I wish I could do that.
" It's like, well, I'm sure everybody wishes they could do everything That they're looking and aren't doing.
Yeah, and yeah.
Yeah, I wish I could be rory scovel and like do a bong rip and kill Harder than anyone in the world, and do a different set every night.
Well, I don't know if rory scovel kills harder than anyone in the world.
I do pretty well.
That's amazing, I'm the best looking comic.
I think I'm the best looking comic, not of all, but tonight or whatever.
How do you think I look? Do you think I look-- What do you think? What do you think? You like the look? I feel like I look good.
Man (o.
): Clown.
What? Man (o.
): You look like a clown.
All right.
No, I think you're pretty good, but I just-- you look like a french clown.
Doesn't he look like a french clown? Look, take off your glasses.
Take off those glasses.
Dude, I don't want to do-- I'm trying to do a tv set.
Look, you should be doing mime or something, not comedy.
Take off the glasses.
Your glasses.
French clown, you look like a french clown.
Doesn't he look-- french clown.
Do some mime for us.
Do some mime.
Please, do some mime.
I'm not-- I don't-- Imagine there's a banana in front of you.
You're holding a banana.
All right, hol-- Hold up a banana in front of you, in front of your face, a banana.
Actually I don't-- I don't-- I don't know how to do-- I don't think I want to do this.
Hold the banana in front of you.
No, I really, like, don't want to do-- There's a banana in front of you.
I don't want to-- no.
Okay, imagine there's a penis in front of you.
Okay, yeah.
All right, like, okay, what are you gonna do with this banana penis situation? All right, okay, you're stroking the banana penis.
All right, I get it.
He's stroking the banana.
All right, you're peeling the banana foreskin off the banana.
Okay, what are you gonna do-- okay, you've got a bana-- And he eats it, he ate it, everybody.
He ate the banana.
He ate the banana.
That's perfect, that's that french clown magic right there.
Do another one.
Okay, he steps up to the plate, he's-- okay, no-- He's gettin' the signal from the-- the something.
Oh, he's pitching the ball.
He's pitching it.
All right, it's coming.
All right, he hits the ball, it's a home run.
It's coming back, he catches the ball, he eats it.
He ate it.
He ate the ball.
He ate the baseball.
This is the best.
All right, another one.
Here we go.
Now you want to do it.
All right, good.
All right, he's going fishing.
He's fishing.
He's sitting there, he's waiting for that big one.
Oh, he's caught something.
You got that great white! You gotta pull it in.
You got-- okay, pull it in.
Pull it in, all right, those are reins.
They're reins to a horse.
He's pulling.
All right, the horse is sinking.
Artax, artax, you're sinking.
You have to fight the sadness! Artax, please! These hands-- They look like big, strong hands, don't they? Wait a second.
Better save some for later.
We've got a long way to go But it was the only way we can get in touch with an earthling child.
But what if he doesn't know what he has to do? What do I have to do? He has to give me a new name.
He's already chosen it.
He just has to call it out.
It's not real, it's only a story.
It's not real.
Bastian, say my name! I can't! I can't! I have to keep my feet on the ground! Bastian, please! Save us! Okay, I will! I will do what I dream! ( yelling gibberish ) Moon child.
And this Is all that remains.
A fantasia And he eats it! He ate it, everybody! He ate it! Thank you, everybody.
That was everything I hoped it would be And more.
That was amazing! Thank you so much for coming, guys! Thank you so much for coming to the meltdown! Get home safe! Thanks for hanging out! Kumail (o.
): Thanks for watching! We did it in new york, they start screaming at him.
Sit the [bleep] down! Really? This isn't that kind of place! We don't heckle here! And I was like, "please stop, please!"