The Men's Room (1991) s01e05 Episode Script

Episode 5

1 Shit.
And none of that would have happened without Gorbachev.
He's by far the greatest politician of the latter part of the 20th century, along with Margaret Thatcher.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Crushing our unions, increasing the homeless, devaluing the NHS and education.
Whilst talking about individual freedom she's increasing state power under personal parliamentary dictatorship.
Mrs Thatcher is the head of an elected government.
- In ten years - She surrounded herself with spineless - See you tomorrow.
Have a nice party.
- And you.
You look great.
- Call me at midnight.
- Yes.
then maybe they'll do something about this awful woman.
- Happy New Year.
- Thank you.
Already? Cheers.
I've cleaned everything.
So no bad luck.
No bad luck.
Listen, I'm sorry we've had so many fights.
But I do love you.
And I do want you here.
He's gotta have Big blue eyes, be able to satisfy Oh, no, what's this? Here we are.
I must be getting old.
I mean, where is Jimmy Shand? What's all this? Hello, baby.
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.
And so with Big Ben getting set to chime 12 Just a few minutes left for resolutions.
Oh, God, I never make mine until at least August.
- You never make any at all.
- I never make any at all.
- Sally and I have.
- Oh, no.
We've decided no more IVF.
No more fertility clinics.
We're gonna stop trying.
We're gonna concentrate on what we've got, not what might have been.
Well I'm glad.
Only I'm sorry.
But I'm glad.
Yeah.
Hey, look.
Quick! Piece of coal, cake.
Anyone got a gold coin, a pound coin? A pound coin.
Quick, Mark, get up.
Now go out the door, quick.
We're going to miss it.
What? No, no, no.
What about Eric? Eric.
- Why do I get to do it and he gets to sit - Do it! Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten.
Yeah.
Happy New Year.
Mark? Mark, where are you? Marry me.
Come on, we've got a year's good luck.
- No, I mean it.
I mean, marry me.
- Please, Mark.
Come on.
Please.
- Happy New Year! - Happy New Year! The little island of Toddy is a completely isolated community.
A hundred miles from the mainland.
A hundred miles from the nearest cinema or dancehall.
But the islanders know how to enjoy themselves.
They've all that they need.
But in 1943 disaster overwhelmed this little island.
- Not famine or pestilence - You're not really watching this, are you? Apparently not.
At the risk of boring you, this year I will be 50.
And what have I got? Two books, two daughters, a failed marriage You're not gonna talk about marriage? I live in your house with your kids.
If you were in my position you would call this some kind of chauvinist trick.
Why don't you put your name on the title deeds? That would make sense.
Deeds.
I need deeds.
If we were all right, who needs a house? We are all right.
We were all right yesterday.
Yesterday.
Imagine this - you noticed me! First time in months, you noticed me! Listen, I had no work to do, the children were away.
- I had some time.
- I want some kind of commitment.
- You've got commitment.
- I want a public display - call me old-fashioned.
- You are old-fashioned.
- I want an announcement.
I want some kind of announcement.
You want a wife at home so you can feel free to screw around.
Free? I'll tell you about free.
Free means you can kick me out.
Free means I can walk.
I'll walk.
Don't you worry about it.
This time it's serious.
It's getting really bad.
He's moody and aggressive.
He stays out of the house as long as possible.
Pretty soon I'll get angry.
Then I'll get defensive.
Then I'll get lonely and I'll cry.
And he'll think he's broken me.
So he'll come back as long as I promise to think about getting married.
It's always the same.
I can't understand why what we've got isn't enough for him.
Or that somehow bits of paper are going to make him feel more confident.
Well, maybe they would.
In the eyes of society a husband is a responsible man, even if he is a shit.
Who wants a lover? Whoever takes a lover seriously? I do.
What would you do if you wanted to get married and Mark refused all the time? Especially if he were younger than you, and your career was on the wane whilst his was on the rise.
And he'd already kicked out one woman before.
Exactly.
That's my point.
Marriage is a guarantee of nothing.
Anyway, I thought you were supposed to be my friend.
When I was married I did wifely things and felt James had rights over me.
Nobody has rights and I don't want to be in that position again.
If Mark could stop thinking of marriage as the only way of feeling secure, then maybe we could be lovers again.
Well, at least be kind to him.
He loves you.
Yeah, well There isn't anyone else, is there? His libido's as flat as a pancake.
Mind you, that's what I thought about James.
You know, you're lucky.
You and Eric share things.
I really admire you.
I think you were great to go on trying for kids that long, and I think you're great to know when to stop.
Well, actually, I've been thinking.
If I didn't tell Eric if it worked he'd be pleased, and if it didn't But it's his baby too.
I mean, what about sperm? Maybe they've kept it, frozen it or something.
You know, he might be right.
You have thought about nothing else for ten years.
But if I give up where's the future? - Hello.
- Hello.
Tessa Pascoe, Professor.
Don't you remember? Yes, of course I do remember, yes.
How are you? I'm fine.
I've been in Paris for 18 months, working.
I'm back now.
I'm helping my father with some paperwork.
Oh, yes.
It was great of you to help him.
Really, I'm grateful.
Well, it's nice to see you again.
I'm free for lunch.
I could buy you a thank you drink.
Yes, that would be lovely.
That would be fine.
I'll meet you here, OK? Thank you.
Do you want me to come in with you? I could wait over there if you like or I'll gladly come in.
I'll wait over there, OK? Good luck.
- See you in the canteen later.
- Bye.
Now, you've had three procedures.
The first carried to seven weeks, the next failed.
The third carried to six weeks.
The first two were with me on the national health, the third privately at the clinic.
You do realise that any further treatment would have to be done privately.
With your history at your age the NHS would no longer consider it.
- It's not a problem.
- Did your husband come with you today? Pity.
How does he feel about another go? He's he's not that keen.
Look, I'm not a patient.
I'm not ill.
Surely something can be done.
Cases like yours I always find particularly difficult.
It sounds harsh, but the greatest help I can give you is to say no.
To find you a counsellor, someone to talk to.
At best only ten per cent of women become pregnant through in vitro fertilisation.
At your age with your history the prognosis is virtually nil.
In all but fertility you're a young woman.
I have money.
The answer is still no.
But if Eric agrees would you do it then? Please.
I'd rather it were you.
You think long and hard, Mrs Lawrence.
If you're absolutely sure, if your husband agrees, then you come back to see me.
Let's go.
Was it all right? What did he say? Yes, sir? Can I help you? Ginger ale, please.
And a packet of Bovril crisps.
I didn't know how you felt about pickled onions.
- I got them anyway, because - Do you like them? - Oh, yes.
- Great.
I only eat them if the man I'm with does.
Well, yeah, I love them.
Do you think I could have a cloth, please? I've spilt my beer.
- Can I ask you a question? - Thanks, love.
- Certainly.
- Are you married? No.
I live with a friend.
Charity.
- That's such a silly name.
- I know.
- I think my name's pretty stupid too.
- No, no.
My parents have never had any taste.
I mean, Daddy didn't even use the money he took for anything useful like shares.
- A bungalow is just so suburban.
- Yeah.
Anyway, I asked you the question about being married because I don't have affairs with married men.
OK.
I'm at that stage in my life.
I want to settle down.
I want to be a wife.
I want to have children.
I'm sure you do.
I'm glad we got that out of the way.
Shall we get another drink? It's me.
I'm home.
How are you? I've been with Sally all day.
I'm hours behind with this.
Book's due in a week.
It's due in a week.
Don't forget.
Now, you must try some of this cheese.
I went to see Mr Morse today.
He said we - if you were willing - we could give it one last try.
I didn't marry you to have children.
I married you.
Now I'm sorry it hasn't worked out, but I won't let us be destroyed.
But it's always about us.
It's never about me.
What about me? - It won't work.
- It might.
All the time that we've been married, I've never wanted another woman.
I've fancied some, sure.
But I've never wanted them.
But I can't remember the last time we were lovers.
It's all been tests, timings, temperatures.
Lying in bed for 30 minutes after.
And then it's the doctors, and the specimens and the waiting.
And grieving for the ones that die.
For the ones that don't even get started.
I miss you, Sally.
Please.
If it's what you want.
Early night? I was just going to finish this.
And I need a bath, and whatever.
Oh, shucks, that can wait, can't it? I'll be up in a minute.
- Are you trying to tell me something? - No.
- Then why are you angry? - I'm not.
Bullshit.
All right, yes.
I'm angry.
I'm really, really angry.
And you know perfectly well why.
So What, because I'm not at your service 24 hours a day, I'm wrecking the relationship? And if you can't get a hard-on that's my fault too.
Yep.
Your type went out with the Ark.
Three months' notice.
No appeal.
That's 15 years' work down the drain.
Unfinished.
- Hello, baby.
- What's the point? - I'm terribly sorry.
- That's OK.
There's a garden - You're really silly, you know.
- Why? Well, because, I really don't care what you wear.
You know, I don't want some new man.
I want the father of my children to be a real man.
- Yeah, but I just thought - I hate all this stuff! - All this lean cuisine and - What about the tie? - It's a terrible tie.
- You don't like the tie? - It's an awful tie.
- Should I take it off? - Yes.
- OK.
You know, I hate all this stuff about men changing nappies and searching for the lost orgasm.
You know? And they blame it on tight trousers and say they raise the scrotum temperature and lead to impotence, you know.
And we end up with you all in baggy trousers and boxer shorts.
But it's really the fault of women like your Charity.
- Yeah.
- You know.
Women who just want to control.
Who seem to have to deny men their natural need to dominate.
I know, I know.
Live with me.
And then you can stop wearing ridiculous ties and you can wear your Y-fronts again.
But they don't feel afraid As long as they gaze on Waterloo Sunset They are in paradise Tessa Pascoe.
Alan Pascoe's wife.
Daughter, actually.
What is she - 22, 24? That's obscene.
Lf If it's of any interest at all which I don't suppose it is, I haven't, you know, slept with her.
How long? - Three months.
- Three months and you haven't slept with her.
She doesn't believe in sex before marriage.
- Do you love her? - No.
I don't have to struggle with her.
Like you do with me.
I haven't done anything! I haven't I love you, Charity.
I love you.
I don't want to leave you.
But you were doing to me what most women complain that career-obsessed men do to them.
You take me for granted.
I don't I don't believe in marriage.
Well, I do.
I do.
But we live together.
We have for years, we've lived together.
I can't marry you now.
Not after this.
- Well, not yet.
- Well, then, soon.
- If you ever, ever, ever see her again - I won't, baby.
Honest to God.
It will be like starting all over again.
I don't think I can do that.
But you wouldn't be on your own, would you? You wouldn't be.
You wouldn't be on your own.
I'd be with you.
You wouldn't be.
You wouldn't be.
What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song I will try not to sing out of key Oh, baby, I'll get by With a little help from my friends All I need is Get by with a little help from my friends Get by with a little help from my friends What do I do when my love is away? Does it worry you to be alone? No, no How do I feel at the end of the day? Are you sad because you're on your own? I don't even say it no more Get by with a little help from my friends Gonna get by with my friends Get by with a little help from my friends I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends Mark.
I'm sorry.
I mean, he just didn't Do you need anybody? I need someone to love Could it be anybody? All I need is someone Baby Get by with a little help from my friends - What would it be like if I lived with you? - Heaven.
- No, seriously, what would it be like? - Well, I want to be your wife.
I want children.
I want to cook for you.
Flowers.
I want you.
Do what you did to Jane.
Leave Charity.
Jane changed the locks.
Oh, isn't that just like you to make her feel better by making her feel she'd done it herself.
Do the same to Charity.
Make her kick you out.
Then you can live with me.
Happy birthday.
Sorry.
- Look what Mummy's brought you.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Now, now.
- That's oh, dear me.
- Isn't that lovely? - That's delightful.
Come here.
Oh, my, I must be Thank you very much indeed.
Looks absolutely delightful.
- Look, I Hello.
- Hello.
I have to I want to talk to you.
- Well, let me say something first.
- OK.
This is a sort of birthday present.
I've decided to marry you.
Mum, there's a bloke arrived with the quiches.
He wants paying.
Now don't be too long, there's masses to do before the party.
No.
- And what did you want to say? - No.
Nothing.
No, no.
Thank you for this.
OK.
Half a world away No, Tom, don't be stupid.
- Put them over there by the fridge.
- Don't tell me what to do.
No, I can.
You're so pathetic.
I can't tell you but it sure feels like my life You're going to love this.
I'm sorry, it's not my fault.
I didn't bake it.
It's really horrible.
I promise myself I'll get by Get by with a little help from my friends This is excessive.
I mean, who loves you? - Isn't that wonderful? - Beautiful.
Read the card.
You've got to see who they're from.
- I think it's a woman.
- Shut up.
Let's see.
Yeah, yeah, yeah Could it be anybody? It's gotta be somebody Yeah, yeah! Get by with a little help from my friends Hi, Ivan.
How you doing? Drink up.
All right? Hey, Delia, tell me about this job.
Well, I start Monday, lecturing at the LSE.
How brilliant.
Listen, this is my son, Harry.
He's at Kent reading sociology.
- Hi.
- You can sort him out.
- Charity.
- Hi.
How are you? You made it.
Brilliant.
Are you all right, darling? You all right? - Anyone for a top-up? - I'll have some, please.
- Hey, listen.
- Very bright boy.
Don't listen to him, whatever you do.
For God's sake don't tell your mother.
But your dad, you think he's a boring old fart, don't you? Don't you? But I was at school - I was at university with him in 1968.
- 1967.
- Mavis, you need something stronger than that.
No, no, no, I'm fine with this, thanks.
Come on, I want the college gossip.
Dish the dirt.
- Delia's going to the LSE, right? - What? An establishment bloody figure in no time.
- Margaret's gone to Suffolk.
- What to do? - To write.
- Good.
- It's a pity Dr Pascoe couldn't come.
- Yeah.
- So where's the birthday boy? - I don't know, somewhere around.
I hear you've been sacked.
- What happened about you and Steven? - Who told you that? It's something I overheard.
I thought you were going out with Danny.
- No, no, no.
- Have you seen Mark? I don't know.
Maybe upstairs.
- I'm sure you were going out with Danny.
- No.
Steve.
- Really? - God, this is boring.
I know.
Rachel, have you got any? Are you going for a smoke? - Don't be stupid.
- Pukka.
Double pukka.
So, Ivan, how are things? I'm fine.
Still working on the shoplifting project.
Mother's had a bout of flu.
Bertrand Russell has been fighting again.
Bertrand Russell? It's the cat.
As if I could have forgotten that.
Have you It wasn't me, you know.
I wouldn't like you to think I wanted to make you unhappy.
Why would I think that? No reason, really.
I always thought you secretly fancied me.
Excuse me.
Where's the loo? Hi, Sal.
Charity, I'm bleeding.
- I'll get Eric.
- No.
No, please don't tell him.
Just let me lie here.
Are you sure? Hey.
It doesn't mean anything, does it? It will be all right, won't it? Just keep warm, that's what you've got to do.
There.
You all right? Now you just lie still.
- How did it go? - You missed a great party.
Mark's passed out in the sitting room.
Sally's bleeding - in my room.
It's been great.
Want some tea? - Will she be all right? - Oh, yes.
Eric's with her.
It's been really great having you all here, even if it was only for the weekend.
Do you miss your father? Sometimes.
It's not how I planned it, you know.
Well, you know what I mean.
It's OK.
I admit, there were times when I was really angry with both of you.
I don't understand what went wrong.
But I tell you, what I really don't understand, and I know it's none of my business is why you stay with him.
Look, when you get to my age you'll understand.
Come on, that's crap and you know it.
Dad was no Superman, but he did love you.
I do remember that much.
Last time I was in America What? Sometimes he says he misses you.
And he's sorry for not knowing us.
Leaving here.
I mean, he's got a good life in America.
But it's not what he planned either.
Maybe that's why he feels such a failure.
He's not alone there, I can tell you.
I think it would be easier if we were little brains in jars and we could communicate and make love by telepathy.
Life would be a whole lot easier.
Wouldn't be so much fun, though.
- Hello? - Oh, hello, Jane? This is Charity here.
I'm sorry to ring you so late, but I wondered if Mark was still there.
Mark? No, I'm sorry, Charity.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I haven't seen Mark for over three months.
Did he tell you he was coming here? He told me that he he had to see you about Susan.
And I thought it was tonight.
Sorry, it's my mistake.
I'm sorry to bother you.
Up to his old tricks again, is he? You are an absolute shit.
If you want to leave me, that's fine, but don't hide behind your ex-wife and make me look a fool.
No, you don't come in here.
You clear out of my life! Leave my life alone! Just clear out of it! I want you dead, you bastard! I mean it, I mean it! I hate you! I want you dead! I mean it.
You bastard! You shit! You coward! I hate you! You bastard, I hate you! I hate you! It worked.
Thank you.
- God, it hurts, Charity.
- I know.
You know, it's only 26 weeks.
It's not gonna make it.
Don't you dare talk like that.
Of course it is.
Now, relax.
Breathe deeply.
Slow, long, deep breaths.
- It's all right.
I'm going to find a doctor.
- Keep breathing.
In, out.
In, out.
It doesn't last for ever, I promise you.
Keep going, there's a good girl.
Eric will be here soon.
Thanks.
Mr Lawrence, would you like to come with me? Give her my love.
We have entrusted Annie to God's merciful keeping, where we now commit her body to the ground.
Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died, was buried, and rose again for us.
To him be glory forever and ever.
Unto him that is able to keep us from falling and to present us faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy, to the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Amen.
- Listen, I'm going to wait for Sally.
- OK.
How are you? - It's good of you to come.
- Well, they were my friends too.
So I have a new post in Berlin.
So I'm really, really sorry about everything that's happened.
I truly am.
But I will be there in Amsterdam.
Valentine's Day, year 2000.
OK? OK.
- Thanks for coming.
- Take it easy.
Annie's brain was dead.
Even if she'd lived she'd be a vegetable.
- We both decided together.
- Of course.
She hasn't spoken to me.
Not since the day they switched the machines off.
- Give her time.
- Talk to her.
Get her to talk, please.
I'm going to light a candle to it every night.
Look.
Look! No wires, no machines.
She was your daughter.
You are a mother.
No-one can take that away.
I tried.
I really tried.
But he wouldn't What did he want? What do men want? Right, matey.
You are for it.
Don't.
- You won't get rid of him like that.
- Maybe not.
But it will give me a great deal of pleasure.
Do you know, you and Eric are the only couple I know who really love one another, and have managed to stay together.
For the rest of us it just doesn't seem possible.
But you didn't love each other.
You weren't kind.
You were just as selfish and manipulative as he was.
Gender had nothing to do with it.
So.
That's it, then.
Yours you must keep.
Now put it away.
You've looked long enough.
To life.
To love.
To love and forgiveness.
And a little bit of time.
To love.
You come to me Like a child That's lost its way You make me lie, you make me cry With the words that you say Will your love be around for a while Or be gone with the dawn and a smile? I am a woman And one day I'm gonna fly Looking for love and respect And the meaning of life Don't you know now I wanna meet a lover I don't need to be a wife And if I say that I want you to stay Will you Will you steal my whole life away? I am a woman And one day I'm gonna fly Gonna fly so high That the wind won't carry your lie Fly so high Gonna leave you far behind me Where you've been all the time And if I say that I want you to stay Will you Will you steal my whole life away? I said, I am a woman I said, yes, I am a woman Don't you know I am a woman And one day I'm gonna fly You lay with women Whose names you don't even know Your excuses they take you To places I just won't go You've been spending too much of my time Now I'm claiming exactly what's mine I am a woman I said, yes, I am a woman Don't you know I am a woman And one day I'm gonna fly Gonna leave you behind me Fly so high Don't you know you've been left behind Fly so high I am a woman Fly so high I am a woman Fly so high No man, nobody's giving my life away So high Nobody, nobody Fly so high I'm a woman Fly