The Michael J. Fox Show s01e18 Episode Script
Biking
1 ANNIE: Good morning.
Oh, here.
You're going to need this after last night.
I can't believe I can get out of bed after what we did.
- Ew! - Nice! Easy.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
We had a whole pie in bed.
- Nice.
- Ew.
I'm going to Joey's.
His dad's gonna teach us how to ride bikes.
Whoa, whoa.
Who does this guy think he is? He owns a bike store.
I think he rode in the Tour de France.
Yeah, but what are his qualifications? I can't have some gearhead clown teaching my kid how to ride a bike.
They'll revoke my dad license.
Yeah, then you have to go down to the dad DMV, reapply for your dad learner's permit, practice your parallel dadding.
Hey, do I mock your bonding moments with the kids? When you took them all to go buy coats, did I say anything? No, I let you go.
- Okay, fine.
Go ahead.
- Great.
Get your unisex coat.
Yeah, that's it.
The magenta one.
It's very slimming.
[SIGHS DRAMATICALLY.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- I know you heard it.
- Okay, what? I was supposed to go to a dance class today with Carol, - and she just canceled on me.
- So go by yourself.
I can't go alone to a singles ballroom dance class.
I'd look desperate.
LEIGH: Eve of destruction.
Would you like to go to a dance class with me today? Sorry, but I have my audition for the school musical.
You helped me pick out a song? I never would've done that if I knew that one day, you would use it against me.
- LEIGH: Annie! - No.
Please? How am I gonna find somebody that has nothing else to do? Hey, guys.
Forty eight tiles on the bathroom ceiling.
You're welcome.
What? [UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
# Da, da, da, da, da, da # Da, da, da, da Da, da, da Da, da, da 1x18 - "Biking" All right, buddy.
Get ready for some memories.
We're good to go.
- But those are my training wheels.
- Training wheels? Where we're going, we don't need training wheels.
Did you just throw training wheels in the bushes? Yeah, it was for dramatic effect.
I'll get 'em later.
Carry on.
He's just jealous because all he can do is jog.
Now forget everything you know about biking.
- But I don't know anything.
- Perfect.
You're golden.
Okay, uh, hop on.
Now, I'm gonna be real hands-off.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
You gotta, you gotta do the kickstand.
No, you don't actually kick it.
It's a misnomer.
You just nudge it.
It's a nudgestand.
Okay.
First, let's do the basics.
MIKE: See how natural this feels? Are you watching my form? Get it around, around.
Big circles.
[LAUGHS.]
Pedal, buddy, pedal.
There you go.
Okay, now you're ready.
Okay, forget everything you know about riding a bike.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Limber up, boys.
It's important for dance.
And for what I have planned for them after we dance.
- Gross! - Sorry, I'll watch my saucy asides.
Ooh, I'd like to take him out for a saucy aside.
- Ahhh! Gross.
- Sorry, I'm just excited.
I'm about to meet the man of my Gross.
That hallway was full of grade A beef.
This is just the stuff they make hot dogs out of.
You guys talking hotties? That's my intermediate class.
And many of them are actually straight.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, but not all of them.
- Oh, no.
I'm not gay.
I'm just here because my mom made me go ballroom dancing with my You know what? I'm gay.
I waited too long.
By the time Ian and Eve were Graham's age, I'd already taught 'em - how to ride bikes.
- Oh, you're being too hard on yourself.
No, I blew it a seven year old is like a sponge who's ready to absorb the world.
An eight year old is dead inside.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh Oh! GRAHAM: Oh! - Oh, yeah.
He's a lost cause.
- He's just not getting it.
I don't know, maybe it was the two weeks Annie didn't know she was pregnant and took kickboxing.
I don't know what the big deal is about learning how to ride a bike anyway.
Seems to me a boy should be able to grow up and become a highly accomplished adult male without ever sitting on that tiny seat.
Do you not know how to ride a bike, Harris? What? Can I ride a bi Pshh.
I should ride circles around you just for asking me.
I just can't right now because my bike is in the shop and my foot hurts.
- I don't care.
- Oh, so you don't believe me? Huh? All right.
You can call my brother and ask him.
I mean, you can't call him right now because he's not home.
Right? But tomorrow, I'll give you the number, and he'll tell you.
- Okay, now I'm convinced.
- I totally froze in my audition.
I couldn't remember the words, so I just started scatting.
- Scatting, Mom.
- Well, it didn't seem so bad when we watched the video in the teachers' lounge.
Oh, my God! I'm dropping out.
[STUTTERING.]
No, I will I will do henna tattoos down at the seaport.
No, honey, come on.
It was cute.
I especially liked the part where you just started yelling out city names, because Oakland really does get it started.
Well, now I'm stuck on tech crew, so I have to go across town to pick up body mics with Warren.
He's got a back brace and a fanny pack, so yeah, he's pretty hot.
Well, you know, we have a bunch of spare mics at the station.
Drop by, I'll hook you up.
Us backstage people gotta stick together.
See, Eve? You'll get through this.
And you know what? We are gonna cheer so hard for you - at the end, when the cast goes - Oh, yeah.
Tech crew.
Where's my spotlight? Thank you, God, thank you.
Is there any way we could get into the other class? The hottie class? Sorry, dear, but you have to graduate this one first.
All right! Let's partner up.
- Let's just go.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[CHUCKLES.]
Henrys don't give up just because things get tough.
- Didn't you drop out of college? - No I dropped into life.
- I am gonna get you into that dance class.
- How? Seems like someone wasn't paying attention at cousin Danny's wedding.
I am a beast on the dance floor.
- You are not bad! - Not bad? After I pulled that move on Jackie, we made out a little bit.
- Jackie, your cousin? - I thought she was a family friend! Ew! She went up my shirt! Oh! [GAGS.]
Oh! You're not toilet paper.
- Don't tell him I'm here.
- Tell who? MIKE: Graham, time to go bike riding.
No! Hey, have you seen Graham? Uh, he's at his friend, Graham's house.
Different Graham.
They call him, "Graham number one," but that's just, you know, Graham being Graham.
The other Graham that I'm talking about.
I, uh, gotta get this bike thing figured out.
I mean, I feel like I'm letting him down.
He gets short shrift in everything.
I mean, half his clothes come from Eve.
[LAUGHS.]
No, Mike, no.
Those are definitely boy clothes.
What are you talking about? His favorite outfit's a skort.
- Yeah.
He looks great in it! - Well, it's why I got a new plan.
I'm gonna do what my dad did with me.
Just laugh at him till he learns.
See what I'm dealing with? How about you and I give this biking thing a try alone? - Our secret.
- Okay.
- It's Eve's old bike, isn't it? - Yeah.
Come on.
Okay, honey, I'm gonna teach you to ride, but later, you have to pretend to let your dad teach you, okay? Let's do it! - What are you doing? - I don't know.
Okay.
Come on.
Oh, God, there's your dad.
ANNIE: Shoot.
Just - Seriously, this is not a junkyard! - Keep running.
Go! Go! - Hey.
- Mike! Hey, what are you doing? I thought you had to work late.
Yeah, it turns out the kid crawled out of the well on his own, so Bummer.
- What are you guys doing? - Uh, we are, um, bird watching.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I know it doesn't make any sense, but Graham is really into it.
I-I like bird watching.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, you know what? Why don't I go home and get the bike and we'll have a lesson? Uh you know this is actually prime bird watching time.
ANNIE: All the best birds are out right now.
The blue jays, orioles, cardinals, and the other birds that are not baseball teams.
The Blue Jays are barely a baseball team.
So why don't I hang out with you guys and watch birds? - Oh, good! - Cool.
So how does this work? - Uh, pretty much you just look up.
- Fun.
That's a bird.
[BIRD SHRIEKS.]
It's actually killing another one right now.
Oh.
Oh! - Ow! - That is brutal! [SENSUAL TANGO MUSIC.]
- Told you we'd kill this.
- I just can't wait to drop you after I get into that hottie class.
- Oh, God! I am so sorry.
- No, totally my fault.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, you you have something on Yeah, sweat.
Yeah, that is sweat.
I think my dance partner has a glandular problem.
His shirt is totally translucent.
He's like a spring roll filled with body hair.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, Chinese food is now ruined forever for me.
I am sorry about that.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, um, really nice moves out there.
It's like you're a professional dancer.
I'm actually in the tech/menswear business.
Really? Well, I'm a computer! Programmer.
I compute programs on computers.
Why would I say it like that? [LAUGHS.]
No, sometimes my words take a long time to load too.
[LAUGHS.]
- I'm Ian.
- I'm Deborah.
And I am really struggling out there.
Do you think you could show me how the spin goes? Oh, sure, yeah.
It's just like this.
- Oh, see? I'm terrible.
- No, it's like this.
Like this.
Oh.
Oh.
So that's how that works.
[SIGHS.]
Thanks.
You showed me.
Phanks, gov'nah! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- I'm sorry.
- No.
[imitates accent.]
Me phinks that was quite charming.
I'm Jude Law.
'Ello, Jude! [LAUGHS.]
It's like we're in London.
Ian, you can't leave me alone in here! Lazy eye Steve and lazier eye Fred are both checking me out.
At least I think they are.
It's really hard to tell.
[WHISTLES.]
Bye.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[SIGHS.]
We need to talk.
I've been out a couple times teaching Graham behind Mike's back, and I loved it.
But the guilt was starting to take its toll.
We can't keep doing this, sneaking away in the middle of the afternoon.
We have to stop.
- I don't want to stop.
- Neither do I! Oh, God, how did this all get so complicated? Can't we just tell him the truth about us? The truth would kill him.
We just We have to be smarter about this.
Mom - Are we bad? - Maybe.
Maybe we're just human.
Adjusting mics can be tricky, but once you learn how, you'll never forget.
- Got it.
Just like riding a bike.
- Oh, I wouldn't say that.
This is a skill that you can actually use.
Riding a bike has no functional utility in society.
Okay.
Well, thanks.
I've gotta get back to my garbage job.
Hey, I know you want to be in the spotlight, but behind the scenes is where the real power is.
Watch this.
Hey, Troy! I need a piece on the resurgence of Cotton Candy.
Cotton Candy's making a comeback? It is now.
Ooh, that's power, Eve.
- Okay, I guess that's pretty cool.
- Plus, between you and me, I haven't paid for an ink cartridge in, like, 20 years.
- Here, take one.
- Nah, I don't need it.
- Take it! - Hey, Harris! You got a second? Of course, Clete.
Talent always needs me.
- What's wrong with this face? - That seems to be a loaded question.
It's this new makeup.
I'm orange, Harris.
Orange.
No more orange than usual.
You know, they're gonna call me "Cletealoupe.
" It's right there.
It's not like when you were on the air.
The internet is mean.
Hey, just relax! You know how you get when your blood sugar is low.
Here, have a juice.
Ooh, cranapple.
[SLURPS.]
- Now I see the truth.
- I know how to ride a bike! What? No.
No, you used to be on camera, but you couldn't cut it, like me, and so now you're stuck being a glorified babysitter.
- I am not a babysitter.
- CLETE: I spilled my juice! I'm not always a babysitter.
Graham? Graham, I got a surprise for you.
Oh, hey, Dad.
I was just playing cupboard.
Damn kickboxing.
Check this out! Top of the line, six speed, dual body reversers which now that I say it out loud.
I think the guy just made it up.
- You want to take a spin? - [YAWNING.]
Not really in the mood.
Too tired.
Since when are you too tired to ride a bike? When we first started biking, you wanted to bike all the time.
I just don't need this right now! - What's that on your pants? - Mud.
Gotta go.
MIKE: It wasn't mud.
It was bicycle grease.
Graham was cheating on me with Joey's dad, that world-class cycling son of a Annie! I gotta talk to you! You'll never guess who What's that? Nothing, nothing.
Nothing at all.
MIKE: It was Annie.
My apologies to that world class cycling son of a Hey, sweetie.
How are those hands doing? They come clean? - Yep.
All clean.
- That's good.
'Cause sometimes, you know, you can scrub and scrub and scrub, and that spot just won't come out.
Okay, are you doing some sort of weird Macbeth thing? I don't know.
Are you? I've interviewed heads of state, titans of industry, the front half of Snuffleupagus.
I know how to subtly tease the truth out of people.
Speaking of coming clean, there's something I never told you.
I saw the second Matrix movie by myself, and then I sat through it again with you, the whole time knowing how terrible it was gonna be.
Oh, my God, I did the same thing.
- No.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Yes! Why the hell would you make me sit through that? - I - All right, the the important thing is that we be honest with each other.
So is there anything that you want to tell me? - No.
- Nothing at all? No.
Not that I can think of.
And I thought Snuffy was evasive.
I was gonna have to catch Annie and Graham in the act.
Oh, I gotta go back to work.
That darn kid fell in the well again, so I'll be hours before I'm home.
EVE: Hey, Harris.
Thanks again for the body mics.
But it turns out that the freshman boys sound better when you can't hear them.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, I'm glad you're here.
I want to show you my reel from when I was a correspondent.
[SIGHS.]
You don't have to do this.
Watching you choke isn't going to make me - feel better about the scattastrophe.
- Well, just watch.
Once again, I'm Harris Wright, standing outside an orphanage in downtown Baghdad.
[EXPLOSIONS AND GUNFIRE.]
And I know one little guy who didn't seem to mind.
Harris Wright, CNN, Antarctica.
I learned two shocking things that day.
Harris used to be a great correspondent, and CNN used to show news.
I don't get it.
You were fantastic! Damn right I was.
And that flattop was hype.
[CHUCKLES.]
But I chose to be behind the scenes.
So what? I'm supposed to be grateful for what I have? No, if you want to be onstage, then keep trying, but what you're doing right now is someone else's dream, - so show a little respect.
- I guess I have been a little petty ever since I didn't get what I wanted.
I super glued Scott Landsman's headpiece on.
He's going to be the pharaoh for quite some time.
Hmm.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now I'm not orange enough! I hope you're happy.
Again, there's a time and place for everything.
You still have that glue? [BALLROOM DANCE MUSIC.]
Wow, sweaty right out of the gates, huh? I told you not to walk here.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay.
And step and thrust and wrap the leg.
LEIGH: And shimmy and shimmy Ian, where are you today? Uh, sorry.
Uh, you know, I was thinking, as a goof, last class, might be kind of fun - to dance with other people.
- Like who? Um beehive lady, overbite Sue, Asian Katie Couric [SCOFFS.]
Deborah.
Whoa, you're into her? She's old enough to be your mom, Ian.
Yeah, I know.
Dumb idea.
[FORCED CHUCKLE.]
She's practically old enough to be you.
Oh! You're hurting my hand! Use the pain, Mister.
Final evaluation is in 40 minutes.
And five, six, seven, eight! And one DEBORAH: Whoa! Oh! Oh, sorry! Couldn't get a grip! Sorry.
Oh.
MIKE: I returned to stake out the scene of the crime, and I spotted a mourning dove, a robin, and a northern lapwing.
"Bird watching" is fun.
ANNIE: Remember, just relax, okay? A-ha! I knew it! - A-ha! I knew it! - Mike! How long were you planning on keeping this a secret? I'm sorry, I just wanted to help.
- Dad? - So you went behind my back? - What about my dad license? - GRAHAM: Mom? - Okay, that is not a real thing.
- GRAHAM: Guys? It was just one Okay, it was three times! I'm riding! You taught him, Annie! [GROANS.]
[LIGHT THUD.]
Oh, yeah.
I didn't teach him how to stop.
I landed on wheels.
Oh, God.
Oh, I'm a terrible mother.
- You all right, pal? - I'm okay.
But these bandaids have Hello Kitty on them.
Can't anything be mine? - We'll try again tomorrow.
- I think I'm done with biking.
Not one of our finest parenting moments.
Well, at least you know I could never cheat on you.
- I'm not slick enough.
- I hope that's not the only reason.
I also hate to shave my legs.
I'm sorry I tried to steal your dad license.
It's okay.
The thing is, I had no problem teaching the other kids, it's just this was different.
And the only thing that's changed is Parkinson's.
Yeah, would it make you feel better if I told you that nothing had changed? - What do you mean? - I taught Ian and Eve too.
- No, you didn't! - [LAUGHS.]
Mike, come on, think about it.
You and Ian tried for two weeks, and then you go away to Poughkeepsie for the afternoon.
You come back, and suddenly he's got it? - But Eve - Taught her while you were napping.
- Napping? - Yeah.
Well, that's fast.
Mike, the truth is, you are just a terrible teacher.
- You always have been.
- Well, that's really great news.
Because when it comes to Parkinson's, I can't control that.
But teaching? Who cares about teaching? Teaching is - what heroes do.
- Hmm.
Well, I better go talk to him.
Talk, not teach.
Bup, almost forgot the pixie dust.
We're still doing that at the end, right? - [SCOFFS.]
Duh.
- Yeah.
[BALLROOM DANCE MUSIC.]
Well, good luck out there.
Your dance partner has some moves.
- Being dry helps.
- [LAUGHS.]
And he's kinda cute.
Which I did not mean to say.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, if I could turn back time.
And that was a song.
Well, yeah Up next, Ian and Leigh.
I was so focused on finding romance, I didn't notice Ian had found it instead.
[CHUCKLES.]
At least I think he did.
She was a little all over the place Anyway, I had to give them their moment.
Ahhh! My ankle! [ALL GASP.]
- Oh, my damn sexy, slender ankle.
- Aunt Leigh, are you okay? Oh, you're gonna have to dance with someone else.
Anyone, but probably Deborah.
[MOUTHS.]
Me? I brought you a Batman bandaid.
- You just drew wings on a Hello Kitty.
- Best I could do last minute.
So you really don't want to ride bikes anymore, huh? I don't want to fall again.
- It was scary.
- Yeah.
I may be a terrible teacher, but I do know something about being scared.
MIKE: It's easy to try and steer a lesson toward how you think it should be taught And that's what's happening in the world of sports.
MAN: And we're clear.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Harris! MIKE: Sometimes we take over because we want to make ourselves look better.
So I got her phone number.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God! That's so great! Your ankle healed up pretty quickly.
MIKE: Sometimes we take over because we want to help the people we love.
- Thanks, Aunt Leigh.
- I'm so proud of you.
MIKE: But the most important thing to remember is Yeah, stay on the balls of your feet - and remember to look forward.
- ANNIE: Mike! All right, totally hands-off.
You're on your own, pal.
Did you really have to bring your whole family? Enough talking, Harris.
Just do it! - Let's go! - MIKE: Let's go, Harris.
It's a good day to die! - Yeah! Come on! - Hey! There you go.
Yeah! Yes, you can! [ALL CHEERING.]
ALL: Oh! ANNIE: Ooh.
Oh, God.
Should've kept the training wheels on.
[MAN LAUGHING.]
Oh, here.
You're going to need this after last night.
I can't believe I can get out of bed after what we did.
- Ew! - Nice! Easy.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
We had a whole pie in bed.
- Nice.
- Ew.
I'm going to Joey's.
His dad's gonna teach us how to ride bikes.
Whoa, whoa.
Who does this guy think he is? He owns a bike store.
I think he rode in the Tour de France.
Yeah, but what are his qualifications? I can't have some gearhead clown teaching my kid how to ride a bike.
They'll revoke my dad license.
Yeah, then you have to go down to the dad DMV, reapply for your dad learner's permit, practice your parallel dadding.
Hey, do I mock your bonding moments with the kids? When you took them all to go buy coats, did I say anything? No, I let you go.
- Okay, fine.
Go ahead.
- Great.
Get your unisex coat.
Yeah, that's it.
The magenta one.
It's very slimming.
[SIGHS DRAMATICALLY.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- I know you heard it.
- Okay, what? I was supposed to go to a dance class today with Carol, - and she just canceled on me.
- So go by yourself.
I can't go alone to a singles ballroom dance class.
I'd look desperate.
LEIGH: Eve of destruction.
Would you like to go to a dance class with me today? Sorry, but I have my audition for the school musical.
You helped me pick out a song? I never would've done that if I knew that one day, you would use it against me.
- LEIGH: Annie! - No.
Please? How am I gonna find somebody that has nothing else to do? Hey, guys.
Forty eight tiles on the bathroom ceiling.
You're welcome.
What? [UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
# Da, da, da, da, da, da # Da, da, da, da Da, da, da Da, da, da 1x18 - "Biking" All right, buddy.
Get ready for some memories.
We're good to go.
- But those are my training wheels.
- Training wheels? Where we're going, we don't need training wheels.
Did you just throw training wheels in the bushes? Yeah, it was for dramatic effect.
I'll get 'em later.
Carry on.
He's just jealous because all he can do is jog.
Now forget everything you know about biking.
- But I don't know anything.
- Perfect.
You're golden.
Okay, uh, hop on.
Now, I'm gonna be real hands-off.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
You gotta, you gotta do the kickstand.
No, you don't actually kick it.
It's a misnomer.
You just nudge it.
It's a nudgestand.
Okay.
First, let's do the basics.
MIKE: See how natural this feels? Are you watching my form? Get it around, around.
Big circles.
[LAUGHS.]
Pedal, buddy, pedal.
There you go.
Okay, now you're ready.
Okay, forget everything you know about riding a bike.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Limber up, boys.
It's important for dance.
And for what I have planned for them after we dance.
- Gross! - Sorry, I'll watch my saucy asides.
Ooh, I'd like to take him out for a saucy aside.
- Ahhh! Gross.
- Sorry, I'm just excited.
I'm about to meet the man of my Gross.
That hallway was full of grade A beef.
This is just the stuff they make hot dogs out of.
You guys talking hotties? That's my intermediate class.
And many of them are actually straight.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, but not all of them.
- Oh, no.
I'm not gay.
I'm just here because my mom made me go ballroom dancing with my You know what? I'm gay.
I waited too long.
By the time Ian and Eve were Graham's age, I'd already taught 'em - how to ride bikes.
- Oh, you're being too hard on yourself.
No, I blew it a seven year old is like a sponge who's ready to absorb the world.
An eight year old is dead inside.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh Oh! GRAHAM: Oh! - Oh, yeah.
He's a lost cause.
- He's just not getting it.
I don't know, maybe it was the two weeks Annie didn't know she was pregnant and took kickboxing.
I don't know what the big deal is about learning how to ride a bike anyway.
Seems to me a boy should be able to grow up and become a highly accomplished adult male without ever sitting on that tiny seat.
Do you not know how to ride a bike, Harris? What? Can I ride a bi Pshh.
I should ride circles around you just for asking me.
I just can't right now because my bike is in the shop and my foot hurts.
- I don't care.
- Oh, so you don't believe me? Huh? All right.
You can call my brother and ask him.
I mean, you can't call him right now because he's not home.
Right? But tomorrow, I'll give you the number, and he'll tell you.
- Okay, now I'm convinced.
- I totally froze in my audition.
I couldn't remember the words, so I just started scatting.
- Scatting, Mom.
- Well, it didn't seem so bad when we watched the video in the teachers' lounge.
Oh, my God! I'm dropping out.
[STUTTERING.]
No, I will I will do henna tattoos down at the seaport.
No, honey, come on.
It was cute.
I especially liked the part where you just started yelling out city names, because Oakland really does get it started.
Well, now I'm stuck on tech crew, so I have to go across town to pick up body mics with Warren.
He's got a back brace and a fanny pack, so yeah, he's pretty hot.
Well, you know, we have a bunch of spare mics at the station.
Drop by, I'll hook you up.
Us backstage people gotta stick together.
See, Eve? You'll get through this.
And you know what? We are gonna cheer so hard for you - at the end, when the cast goes - Oh, yeah.
Tech crew.
Where's my spotlight? Thank you, God, thank you.
Is there any way we could get into the other class? The hottie class? Sorry, dear, but you have to graduate this one first.
All right! Let's partner up.
- Let's just go.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[CHUCKLES.]
Henrys don't give up just because things get tough.
- Didn't you drop out of college? - No I dropped into life.
- I am gonna get you into that dance class.
- How? Seems like someone wasn't paying attention at cousin Danny's wedding.
I am a beast on the dance floor.
- You are not bad! - Not bad? After I pulled that move on Jackie, we made out a little bit.
- Jackie, your cousin? - I thought she was a family friend! Ew! She went up my shirt! Oh! [GAGS.]
Oh! You're not toilet paper.
- Don't tell him I'm here.
- Tell who? MIKE: Graham, time to go bike riding.
No! Hey, have you seen Graham? Uh, he's at his friend, Graham's house.
Different Graham.
They call him, "Graham number one," but that's just, you know, Graham being Graham.
The other Graham that I'm talking about.
I, uh, gotta get this bike thing figured out.
I mean, I feel like I'm letting him down.
He gets short shrift in everything.
I mean, half his clothes come from Eve.
[LAUGHS.]
No, Mike, no.
Those are definitely boy clothes.
What are you talking about? His favorite outfit's a skort.
- Yeah.
He looks great in it! - Well, it's why I got a new plan.
I'm gonna do what my dad did with me.
Just laugh at him till he learns.
See what I'm dealing with? How about you and I give this biking thing a try alone? - Our secret.
- Okay.
- It's Eve's old bike, isn't it? - Yeah.
Come on.
Okay, honey, I'm gonna teach you to ride, but later, you have to pretend to let your dad teach you, okay? Let's do it! - What are you doing? - I don't know.
Okay.
Come on.
Oh, God, there's your dad.
ANNIE: Shoot.
Just - Seriously, this is not a junkyard! - Keep running.
Go! Go! - Hey.
- Mike! Hey, what are you doing? I thought you had to work late.
Yeah, it turns out the kid crawled out of the well on his own, so Bummer.
- What are you guys doing? - Uh, we are, um, bird watching.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I know it doesn't make any sense, but Graham is really into it.
I-I like bird watching.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, you know what? Why don't I go home and get the bike and we'll have a lesson? Uh you know this is actually prime bird watching time.
ANNIE: All the best birds are out right now.
The blue jays, orioles, cardinals, and the other birds that are not baseball teams.
The Blue Jays are barely a baseball team.
So why don't I hang out with you guys and watch birds? - Oh, good! - Cool.
So how does this work? - Uh, pretty much you just look up.
- Fun.
That's a bird.
[BIRD SHRIEKS.]
It's actually killing another one right now.
Oh.
Oh! - Ow! - That is brutal! [SENSUAL TANGO MUSIC.]
- Told you we'd kill this.
- I just can't wait to drop you after I get into that hottie class.
- Oh, God! I am so sorry.
- No, totally my fault.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, you you have something on Yeah, sweat.
Yeah, that is sweat.
I think my dance partner has a glandular problem.
His shirt is totally translucent.
He's like a spring roll filled with body hair.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, Chinese food is now ruined forever for me.
I am sorry about that.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, um, really nice moves out there.
It's like you're a professional dancer.
I'm actually in the tech/menswear business.
Really? Well, I'm a computer! Programmer.
I compute programs on computers.
Why would I say it like that? [LAUGHS.]
No, sometimes my words take a long time to load too.
[LAUGHS.]
- I'm Ian.
- I'm Deborah.
And I am really struggling out there.
Do you think you could show me how the spin goes? Oh, sure, yeah.
It's just like this.
- Oh, see? I'm terrible.
- No, it's like this.
Like this.
Oh.
Oh.
So that's how that works.
[SIGHS.]
Thanks.
You showed me.
Phanks, gov'nah! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- I'm sorry.
- No.
[imitates accent.]
Me phinks that was quite charming.
I'm Jude Law.
'Ello, Jude! [LAUGHS.]
It's like we're in London.
Ian, you can't leave me alone in here! Lazy eye Steve and lazier eye Fred are both checking me out.
At least I think they are.
It's really hard to tell.
[WHISTLES.]
Bye.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[SIGHS.]
We need to talk.
I've been out a couple times teaching Graham behind Mike's back, and I loved it.
But the guilt was starting to take its toll.
We can't keep doing this, sneaking away in the middle of the afternoon.
We have to stop.
- I don't want to stop.
- Neither do I! Oh, God, how did this all get so complicated? Can't we just tell him the truth about us? The truth would kill him.
We just We have to be smarter about this.
Mom - Are we bad? - Maybe.
Maybe we're just human.
Adjusting mics can be tricky, but once you learn how, you'll never forget.
- Got it.
Just like riding a bike.
- Oh, I wouldn't say that.
This is a skill that you can actually use.
Riding a bike has no functional utility in society.
Okay.
Well, thanks.
I've gotta get back to my garbage job.
Hey, I know you want to be in the spotlight, but behind the scenes is where the real power is.
Watch this.
Hey, Troy! I need a piece on the resurgence of Cotton Candy.
Cotton Candy's making a comeback? It is now.
Ooh, that's power, Eve.
- Okay, I guess that's pretty cool.
- Plus, between you and me, I haven't paid for an ink cartridge in, like, 20 years.
- Here, take one.
- Nah, I don't need it.
- Take it! - Hey, Harris! You got a second? Of course, Clete.
Talent always needs me.
- What's wrong with this face? - That seems to be a loaded question.
It's this new makeup.
I'm orange, Harris.
Orange.
No more orange than usual.
You know, they're gonna call me "Cletealoupe.
" It's right there.
It's not like when you were on the air.
The internet is mean.
Hey, just relax! You know how you get when your blood sugar is low.
Here, have a juice.
Ooh, cranapple.
[SLURPS.]
- Now I see the truth.
- I know how to ride a bike! What? No.
No, you used to be on camera, but you couldn't cut it, like me, and so now you're stuck being a glorified babysitter.
- I am not a babysitter.
- CLETE: I spilled my juice! I'm not always a babysitter.
Graham? Graham, I got a surprise for you.
Oh, hey, Dad.
I was just playing cupboard.
Damn kickboxing.
Check this out! Top of the line, six speed, dual body reversers which now that I say it out loud.
I think the guy just made it up.
- You want to take a spin? - [YAWNING.]
Not really in the mood.
Too tired.
Since when are you too tired to ride a bike? When we first started biking, you wanted to bike all the time.
I just don't need this right now! - What's that on your pants? - Mud.
Gotta go.
MIKE: It wasn't mud.
It was bicycle grease.
Graham was cheating on me with Joey's dad, that world-class cycling son of a Annie! I gotta talk to you! You'll never guess who What's that? Nothing, nothing.
Nothing at all.
MIKE: It was Annie.
My apologies to that world class cycling son of a Hey, sweetie.
How are those hands doing? They come clean? - Yep.
All clean.
- That's good.
'Cause sometimes, you know, you can scrub and scrub and scrub, and that spot just won't come out.
Okay, are you doing some sort of weird Macbeth thing? I don't know.
Are you? I've interviewed heads of state, titans of industry, the front half of Snuffleupagus.
I know how to subtly tease the truth out of people.
Speaking of coming clean, there's something I never told you.
I saw the second Matrix movie by myself, and then I sat through it again with you, the whole time knowing how terrible it was gonna be.
Oh, my God, I did the same thing.
- No.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Yes! Why the hell would you make me sit through that? - I - All right, the the important thing is that we be honest with each other.
So is there anything that you want to tell me? - No.
- Nothing at all? No.
Not that I can think of.
And I thought Snuffy was evasive.
I was gonna have to catch Annie and Graham in the act.
Oh, I gotta go back to work.
That darn kid fell in the well again, so I'll be hours before I'm home.
EVE: Hey, Harris.
Thanks again for the body mics.
But it turns out that the freshman boys sound better when you can't hear them.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, I'm glad you're here.
I want to show you my reel from when I was a correspondent.
[SIGHS.]
You don't have to do this.
Watching you choke isn't going to make me - feel better about the scattastrophe.
- Well, just watch.
Once again, I'm Harris Wright, standing outside an orphanage in downtown Baghdad.
[EXPLOSIONS AND GUNFIRE.]
And I know one little guy who didn't seem to mind.
Harris Wright, CNN, Antarctica.
I learned two shocking things that day.
Harris used to be a great correspondent, and CNN used to show news.
I don't get it.
You were fantastic! Damn right I was.
And that flattop was hype.
[CHUCKLES.]
But I chose to be behind the scenes.
So what? I'm supposed to be grateful for what I have? No, if you want to be onstage, then keep trying, but what you're doing right now is someone else's dream, - so show a little respect.
- I guess I have been a little petty ever since I didn't get what I wanted.
I super glued Scott Landsman's headpiece on.
He's going to be the pharaoh for quite some time.
Hmm.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now I'm not orange enough! I hope you're happy.
Again, there's a time and place for everything.
You still have that glue? [BALLROOM DANCE MUSIC.]
Wow, sweaty right out of the gates, huh? I told you not to walk here.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay.
And step and thrust and wrap the leg.
LEIGH: And shimmy and shimmy Ian, where are you today? Uh, sorry.
Uh, you know, I was thinking, as a goof, last class, might be kind of fun - to dance with other people.
- Like who? Um beehive lady, overbite Sue, Asian Katie Couric [SCOFFS.]
Deborah.
Whoa, you're into her? She's old enough to be your mom, Ian.
Yeah, I know.
Dumb idea.
[FORCED CHUCKLE.]
She's practically old enough to be you.
Oh! You're hurting my hand! Use the pain, Mister.
Final evaluation is in 40 minutes.
And five, six, seven, eight! And one DEBORAH: Whoa! Oh! Oh, sorry! Couldn't get a grip! Sorry.
Oh.
MIKE: I returned to stake out the scene of the crime, and I spotted a mourning dove, a robin, and a northern lapwing.
"Bird watching" is fun.
ANNIE: Remember, just relax, okay? A-ha! I knew it! - A-ha! I knew it! - Mike! How long were you planning on keeping this a secret? I'm sorry, I just wanted to help.
- Dad? - So you went behind my back? - What about my dad license? - GRAHAM: Mom? - Okay, that is not a real thing.
- GRAHAM: Guys? It was just one Okay, it was three times! I'm riding! You taught him, Annie! [GROANS.]
[LIGHT THUD.]
Oh, yeah.
I didn't teach him how to stop.
I landed on wheels.
Oh, God.
Oh, I'm a terrible mother.
- You all right, pal? - I'm okay.
But these bandaids have Hello Kitty on them.
Can't anything be mine? - We'll try again tomorrow.
- I think I'm done with biking.
Not one of our finest parenting moments.
Well, at least you know I could never cheat on you.
- I'm not slick enough.
- I hope that's not the only reason.
I also hate to shave my legs.
I'm sorry I tried to steal your dad license.
It's okay.
The thing is, I had no problem teaching the other kids, it's just this was different.
And the only thing that's changed is Parkinson's.
Yeah, would it make you feel better if I told you that nothing had changed? - What do you mean? - I taught Ian and Eve too.
- No, you didn't! - [LAUGHS.]
Mike, come on, think about it.
You and Ian tried for two weeks, and then you go away to Poughkeepsie for the afternoon.
You come back, and suddenly he's got it? - But Eve - Taught her while you were napping.
- Napping? - Yeah.
Well, that's fast.
Mike, the truth is, you are just a terrible teacher.
- You always have been.
- Well, that's really great news.
Because when it comes to Parkinson's, I can't control that.
But teaching? Who cares about teaching? Teaching is - what heroes do.
- Hmm.
Well, I better go talk to him.
Talk, not teach.
Bup, almost forgot the pixie dust.
We're still doing that at the end, right? - [SCOFFS.]
Duh.
- Yeah.
[BALLROOM DANCE MUSIC.]
Well, good luck out there.
Your dance partner has some moves.
- Being dry helps.
- [LAUGHS.]
And he's kinda cute.
Which I did not mean to say.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, if I could turn back time.
And that was a song.
Well, yeah Up next, Ian and Leigh.
I was so focused on finding romance, I didn't notice Ian had found it instead.
[CHUCKLES.]
At least I think he did.
She was a little all over the place Anyway, I had to give them their moment.
Ahhh! My ankle! [ALL GASP.]
- Oh, my damn sexy, slender ankle.
- Aunt Leigh, are you okay? Oh, you're gonna have to dance with someone else.
Anyone, but probably Deborah.
[MOUTHS.]
Me? I brought you a Batman bandaid.
- You just drew wings on a Hello Kitty.
- Best I could do last minute.
So you really don't want to ride bikes anymore, huh? I don't want to fall again.
- It was scary.
- Yeah.
I may be a terrible teacher, but I do know something about being scared.
MIKE: It's easy to try and steer a lesson toward how you think it should be taught And that's what's happening in the world of sports.
MAN: And we're clear.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Harris! MIKE: Sometimes we take over because we want to make ourselves look better.
So I got her phone number.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God! That's so great! Your ankle healed up pretty quickly.
MIKE: Sometimes we take over because we want to help the people we love.
- Thanks, Aunt Leigh.
- I'm so proud of you.
MIKE: But the most important thing to remember is Yeah, stay on the balls of your feet - and remember to look forward.
- ANNIE: Mike! All right, totally hands-off.
You're on your own, pal.
Did you really have to bring your whole family? Enough talking, Harris.
Just do it! - Let's go! - MIKE: Let's go, Harris.
It's a good day to die! - Yeah! Come on! - Hey! There you go.
Yeah! Yes, you can! [ALL CHEERING.]
ALL: Oh! ANNIE: Ooh.
Oh, God.
Should've kept the training wheels on.
[MAN LAUGHING.]