The Mick (2017) s01e12 Episode Script
The Wolf
1 MICKEY: What are you doing? You never sucked anything before? I'm sucking as hard as I can, okay? - It's not coming.
- Well, suck harder.
All right, and now for the finale of the tour, we have all my sweet cars.
See, I don't drive them yet, but when I do, oh, I'm gonna drive the fricking crap out of them.
Who are the gypsies? The what? - The gypsies.
- JIMMY: Hello Oh, oh, don't worry about them, they're nothing.
Got to run.
Talk to you later, babe.
Okay, good-bye, Prince Handso What's up, Prince Handsome? Who's that girl? That woman is Yulia.
We met online.
Like an online dating thing? Kind of.
HotEuroCamGirls.
com - Oh, God.
- Oh.
JIMMY: Oh, yeah.
- Mm.
- I don't have the coin to actually go inside there, but I've seen those ads pop up on my screen.
MICKEY: I mean, come on, Chip.
She doesn't like you.
You know that, right? No duh.
I'm not delusional.
That's why I'm flying her out here so we can get to know each other in person.
- (laughing): Oh.
- (laughs) Oh, Chip, that is so pathetic.
Oh, I'm pathetic? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm not the one doing whatever the hell you guys are doing.
What-What are you doing? We're siphoning gas out of the G to put in the Lambo to move the Lambo, so we can take the Speedster into town.
Why not just take the Lambo? Because 'cause then we wouldn't be driving the Speedster.
What is he saying? I don't know.
He doesn't get it.
What's with the hoses? I just got done explaining it to you.
We're siphoning.
Did your mom not teach you anything? You wouldn't last five seconds in the real world.
This kid's all Pemberton and no Molng.
No what? Mole? - Molng.
My last name.
- Mullen? No.
Mullen? Molng.
M-O-L-N-G.
Molng.
You need to say it from the back of your throat.
What? Did your mom not ever tell you her maiden name? No.
I don't blame her with a name like that.
Okay, you know what? Get out of here.
Go play with your webcam girl, who you're never gonna see in real life, by the way.
Oh, yes, I will.
She'll be here Friday, so why don't you see if they got a couple spare cages down at the kennel? I guarantee that money already went straight up her nose.
I don't know what that means, but whatever it is, you're wrong.
- Ooh, fancy pants.
- (Alba chuckles) You going somewhere fun? Yeah, Kai is taking me out to dinner.
Who's Kai? My fiancé.
The one you manipulated into thinking he got me pregnant.
The guy with the milky abs? Oh.
Oh, that guy? He's still a thing? Yes, he's still a thing.
He's been studying furniture design in Scandinavia.
- Mmm.
- Hey, babe.
Hey, what's going on? I thought we had a reservation.
Oh, yeah.
I thought we could just post up instead.
The Chinese food in Sweden sucked.
Hey, everybody.
- Mm.
- Hey, Kai.
How was furniture school? I didn't end up going.
Yeah, the application wasn't in English, so I just did my own thing.
Oh, it wasn't in English so he didn't go.
Yeah, a lot of sauna, ate some fish.
Anyway, I'm gonna go beast on this Kung Pao before it gets cold.
It was nice seeing you guys.
(laughs) (laughs) Well, that was a fun exchange.
You know, he's still figuring some stuff out.
Look, man, I am not judging, okay? At least he's a hot loser.
(scoffs) Kai's not a loser.
Jimmy's a loser.
Absolutely.
They remind me a lot of each other.
That's insane.
They are nothing alike.
Look, when I first met Jimmy, he was a tight little slice of ass.
Then at some point, he kind of just let himself go, started growing breasts.
We've kind of just been phoning it in ever since.
I do not like where this is going.
Two Jimmys is too many Jimmys.
Kung Pao.
(laughs) (Kai laughs) Oh.
MICKEY (laughing): Okay.
I like how you made your bangs extra big.
(laughing): The girls love a big bang.
Am I right? Hey, ooh, Chip, I have a question for you.
Um, does it make you nervous (laughing): that there's only one bag left? Does that bother you? - Shut up, okay.
- Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Come on, Yulia.
Show yourself.
Um, hey, bud, think it might be time to throw the towel in.
(laughing): What do you think? - Okay, you need to stop.
Stop right now.
- Yeah.
Sure.
Look, there she is.
- Eh? - Yulia.
(Chip and Mickey shout) Oh.
Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else.
(laughing) (laughing): Oh, my God.
Oh, it was so good.
How could I be so blind? Thought Yulia was a beautiful angel.
Turns out she's just a beautiful, lying whore.
(sighs) All right, look, first of all, don't talk about women like that, okay? Second of all (sighs) you know, the world's full of wolves and sheep, right? Yulia, she's a wolf.
I'm a wolf.
But you, you're a sheep.
And see, it's the wolf's job to eat the sheep, right? And so, y-you know, this was bound to happen.
Great, so I'm gonna spend the rest of my life getting devoured.
I mean, not necessarily.
You know, you are half Molng, right? I guess.
Yeah, so we just got to make sure that Molng part rises to the top.
(sighs) All right.
What the hell.
Teach me how to be a Mulk.
It's Molng.
Molnga.
Oh, we'll practice in the car.
All right, time to stop being prey and start being a predator.
First things first, you need to learn to feed yourself.
Go steal some chips.
Mm, no, thanks.
Ironically, I'm not a big chip guy.
Well that doesn't matter.
I'm trying to teach you something here.
A wolf takes what it needs.
Yeah, but I don't need chips.
I just ate a quesadilla.
- You ate without me? - I was hungry.
All right, that's that's not the point, okay? You think a wolf just walks by a deer and is like, "Meh.
Uh I'm not that hungry.
I just had a quesadilla.
" Where would a wolf get a quesadilla? G Go steal the chips, okay? And I'll meet you outside.
Be smart.
Be stealthy.
- Be smooth, just like a wo - Oh, my God, get away from me.
You got this.
Uh Yes, I'm a mutating French Kissing Andy Kissing Jack, kissing Johnny, kissing Mike Smacking chicks and licking faces Snugging ladies, slapping boys, boys, boys Going hot, tease your daddy Driving wild, wild nuts Yes, I'm a mutating French Kissing Andy, kissing Jack, kissing Johnny Kissing Mike, smacking chicks and licking faces Wh Lesson number one: trust no one.
Are you insane? You almost just got me arrested over a bag of chips.
Here's your cut.
I don't want the chicken! I didn't want the chips! You used me.
Lesson number two: you look around the room, you can't spot the sucker, chances are you're the sucker.
I know I'm the sucker.
That's why we're here.
You're supposed to teach me how to be a wolf.
Well, I know a wolf wouldn't let a perfectly good chicken go to waste.
Fine.
Fine.
I'll eat the damn chicken.
Psycho.
Congratulations.
You're ready to move on to phase two of your training.
Well, finish the chicken.
I mean, I worked very hard to steal that chicken.
Turns out he was Mormon the whole time.
(both laugh) (door opens) Oh Didn't realize, um, you guys were hanging out.
Oh, yeah.
We got a friendship cooking.
Terrific.
Can I talk to Kai? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(groaning): Absolutely.
- (pounds on door) - You got to lift it.
- Oh.
- Yeah, you got it.
This guy knows his stuff.
- (door closes) - Ah, he's great.
So what's up, babe? You know I was just wondering, now that you're home, what's your plan? I don't know.
You want to see a movie or something? No.
No.
I-I meant something bigger.
Oh, you mean like an IMAX? Forget the movie.
Kai, what are your dreams? (scoffs) Well, you are, babe.
I got everything I need right here in this sauna.
Maybe you should start figuring it out so that people don't think that you're a loser.
People think I'm a loser? No.
(scoffs) No.
They don't now.
But they might think that soon.
You know? So maybe it's a good time to just start thinking about it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- For you, anything.
- Thank you.
I'll let you get back to it.
- Okay.
- Okay, good.
Oh, you got to lift it.
Yeah, I live here.
Okay.
Step into my office.
(indistinct race chatter on TVs) Your office smells like urine.
I thought we were going to a horse race.
What the hell is this place? It's off track betting.
Why'd I wear a suit? Beats me, that was your choice.
Okay, if you want to be a wolf, you're gonna need to learn to spot a sheep.
(cheering) What about that guy? Very good.
Why? 'Cause he's waving his money around - like a jackass.
- Exactly.
Kind of like you with your Internet prostitute.
What? She's not an Internet prostitute.
Yeah.
Yes, she is.
Will you just get to the point? Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
First things first.
Wha? Oh! What the hell? Wh Ugh! Okay.
Your turn, do me.
And don't give me one of your sissy taps, either, okay? I need you to muster up all the strength you can in that tiny, pale, bony body of yours.
(grunts) - (indistinct cheering) - MAN: Come on, come on, man.
I will ruin you when we get home.
Now give me your wallet.
No way, I don't trust you.
Very nice.
You're learning.
Good.
Do need the wallet, though, 'cause it's part of the thing, so give it to me.
I'll give it back to you in a minute, you're gonna get it back.
Okay, follow me.
Look, he's making a move.
- Excuse me.
- Here he goes.
Go, go.
Excuse me.
(indistinct cheering) Officer.
Hey.
My nephew and I just got mugged in the parking lot.
It's that guy in the hat over there.
Wait here.
This the guy? Yep, that's him.
What are you talking about? Check his pockets.
You'll find my nephew's wallet and a winning ticket for the sixth race.
I've never seen this woman before.
You okay? My apologies, ma'am.
Don't worry about a thing.
- We'll handle it from here.
- Thank you.
You like beating up on kids, you sick son of a bitch? - Uh, no.
Whoa.
- CHIP: Oh.
(gambler grunts and groans) MICKEY: Okay.
- Yikes.
- GAMBLER: I don't even know her! I'm not used to working with kids.
That really struck a nerve.
Oh, man! That was amazing.
How much did we make? 38 bucks Boom.
That-That's it? - Hmm? - The suit you destroyed cost a grand.
Yeah.
Lesson 14: Dress casual.
Wolves don't wear suits.
Wolves don't wear anything.
What are you? You got to cash the ticket.
- Will you please just relax? - (doorbell rings) Oh, that's probably the cops.
Here to throw us in jail for $38 and a chicken.
So calm down.
Wolves don't get rattled.
You're not a wolf, you're a frickin' bottom feeder.
If anything, you are an oyster, and I eat oysters.
Why are you talking about eating oysters? What the hell is going on? Talk normal.
I'm done with this.
All right.
Well, wolves don't quit.
- Well, I do.
- Chip Someone's here to see you.
Hello, my Chip.
It was the crazies.
The immigration people held me for whole day.
I tell them, "I has my visa, misters," but they don't do listening.
Those scumbags.
They didn't touch you, did they? Okay.
And why didn't you just call Chip? I didn't has American telephone.
You know what? Tomorrow you get yourself a new phone.
Oh, come on.
So you're telling me there was no phone for you to borrow? I'm sorry.
This just isn't adding up.
Yulia's answered enough questions for one day.
- She just flew across the frickin' world.
- Mm-hmm.
Come on, Yulia.
I'll help you get settled.
Alba! Who the hell is this? I am Yulia.
I am girlfriend of Chip.
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Alba, can you please help Yulia to the guest room? - Thank you, Chip.
- (Alba muttering) ALBA: crap outside.
(Mickey clears throat) How does it taste? How does what taste? The frickin' foot in your mouth.
I can't believe I listened to you.
Yulia's not scamming me.
Oh, you stupid little boy.
(laughs) You just let a wolf right into the henhouse.
It's a fox in the henhouse, idiot.
You don't let anything into the henhouse.
'Cause it'll eat the hens.
(sighs) Hey.
Whatcha doing? Oh, hey, babe.
I'm just getting ready to go to a meeting.
You're going to a meeting dressed like that? Oh, right.
(laughs) Ah, I got so excited, I totally forgot to tell you.
- What? - I'm starting my own business.
- You are? - Yeah.
Babe, that's so great.
I'm really happy for you.
Yeah.
It's awesome.
You ready to do this or what? - What's he doing here? - That's my business partner.
Yeah, we're gonna go have a brainstorming sesh - right now in the sauna.
- You two are working together.
All that stuff you said was really inspiring.
- What? - I told Jimmy about our talk.
- Wh That's not what I - It got me thinking.
Who's the neediest demographic? Women, right? What do women love? Beef.
And what do they hate? Fixing crap.
So we put the two together, and came up with - Stud Nailers.
- Yeah.
It's our shirtless handyman service.
It's like topless maids, but dudes.
Plus, having a business partner, who's also a friend, takes off a lot of pressure.
Now, see? That story alone's gonna get us tons of customers, man.
And then this ab thing, that is icing on the cake.
Your abs are made of cake.
Okay.
Well, right now they are, so Kai hits the field solo for a little bit, I hang back, drop some L-Bs, and then I just come riding up ripped.
It's a good thing we got that sauna, right? Yeah.
Course, I'm also gonna get a beard trimmer, and take care of all my downstairs So how was everyone's day? Awesome.
My cousin violated his parole, which in and of itself isn't good news, but we're gonna get his van until he gets out.
I'm thinking we just stick a giant-ass decal right on the side of it.
Dude, great idea! It's gonna be like a mobile billboard.
Boom.
SABRINA: Well, it'll still be a van.
Babe, I am I'm so proud of you.
It's so exciting.
Just don't get your hopes up, you know? What do you mean? Mm, handyman service? It's not exactly a groundbreaking idea.
How much money can you really make? - A lot.
- YULIA: I see same thing with street girls in my country.
So many risks, too small money.
Yeah.
This girl gets it.
Who are you again? Wha She's my girlfriend.
Why does everyone keep questioning that? Yeah, everyone can see that she is his girlfriend.
YULIA: Why don't you put on a Web show instead? That way you can has many customers all at once, and you also not get hurt.
That's brilliant.
- Jimmy, did you hear that? - Yeah.
So smart, babe.
(chuckling): Yeah, totally.
You know what? I'm just gonna come right out and ask it.
Yulia, what are your intentions here? Oh, Chip invited me.
No, no, I know.
That wasn't the question, was it? I'm wondering, what is a wolf like you doing with a sheep like Chip? No, Yulia, you do not have to answer that question.
Is okay.
I like Chip because he's sheep.
Huh? Sheep are good.
They're soft.
A sheep will never hurt me.
In Soviet times, my papa was turned into, um how you call? Drinking cripple.
Alcoholic.
He was not very gentle to my mother.
So to help my mother, I had to, um I had to do a lot of things to survive.
Life has not been easy for me.
(softly): Hey.
We've all had to do things to survive.
Stop.
Stop.
You see what you did? Now she's all upset.
Come on, Yulia, you don't have to take this.
I like her.
She has great ideas.
(inhales) (inhales) Whoa.
(sniffs) Hey.
Uh, we're getting gas, 'cause we're going to the hardware store tomorrow.
Cool.
So, about Stud Nailers, I need you to stop it.
You want us to stop our business? That, your friendship, everything.
I don't want you hanging out with Kai anymore.
- Why? - Because I want him to have a chance, and if he keeps hanging out with you, that won't happen.
You ruined your chance.
Your life is dark and depressing.
Okay, you know, Sabrina, by the tone of your voice, I can tell you're about to say something pretty hurtful.
Were you not just listening? I said something hurtful.
Your life is sad.
I don't want you around Kai anymore, okay? Look, listen, sweetheart, if you think I'm gonna throw away a friendship for a little bit of cash in my pocket How's $2,000? That's a lot more than I thought He can't know it was my idea.
Got it? Fine.
- Okay, we've got Sabrina's laptop - Mm-hmm.
- Chip's Rolex, - Mm-hmm.
Ben's Sandy Koufax ball, - okay, my flannel.
- Oh, good.
We need something of yours.
Let me get that necklace.
Mm, uh, no.
My abuelita gave this to me when I was five.
Alba, we each need to put something in the bag, or it's gonna look shady, okay? Oh, I don't know about this.
We're just speeding up the inevitable.
- Oh - If a crooked cop plants drugs on a guilty suspect, the suspect's still guilty, right? What kind of drugs? What kind A-Are you serious? I don't know, Alba.
What kind of drugs do you need it to be in order to give me the necklace? - Coke? - Coke! It's coke.
Thank you.
You're driving me nuts.
All right, we wake up in a few hours say we've been robbed, find all of our crap in Yulia's bag, and Chip will finally see her for the dishonest tramp that she is.
- That's good.
- It's gonna be so fun.
(rattling door) (exhales) Hey! There he is.
Pop those jeans off.
Start sweating.
I'm not here to sweat with you, Kai.
You're not? No, I'm not.
Not today or ever again.
I don't understand.
Well, I've been doing some thinking, and, uh I think Stud Nailers is dumb, and I think you're dumb.
But I thought we were friends.
Yeah, that's 'cause you're a dumb guy, Kai.
So don't try and contact me or come win me back or just, you know Just leave me alone, all right? (rattling door) - You got to jiggle it.
- I know I have to jiggle it.
(strained grunting) (exhales) (whispers): Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Oh, good morning, Romeo.
How'd you sleep? - Fine.
- Mickey, we have a problem.
We have been robbed! - What?! - Yeah.
Who in the entire world could do something like this? It could be anyone Yuli Somebody stole my laptop.
Somebody stole my baseball! I can't find my boots.
What? All right, all right, everybody just settle down.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
- Hey, Chip, where's Yulia? - Whoa.
Probably somewhere over the Atlantic.
- Huh? - ALBA: Wha? I dumped her.
What? Why? She totally emasculated me last night at dinner.
I can't be with somebody who thinks I'm a sheep.
That necklace has been in my family for generations.
- Damn it, Chip, - My mother had (several shouting at once) Everyone, calm down! Relax, okay? I'll explain what happened.
(sighs) What happened is that you got played just exactly like I told you you were going to.
(chuckles) - I feel so stupid.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
You know why? 'Cause you are stupid.
Here I am, spewing information, life skills all over you.
And what do you do? You just swat 'em away! You swat every single one of them away, and then you're all confused about what happened? Oh, you stupid child.
You know, I I think the real lesson here is that it's easy to brand all adult entertainers as untrustworthy crooks.
But if you really want to know the truth, it's women in general that cannot be trusted.
(scoffs) You're one to talk.
Thief.
What? Kai didn't come to bed last night, okay? I know you didn't break up with him.
Yeah, I did, last night in the sauna.
What is that smell? You guys smell that? (grunts): Oh, ah, careful, now.
The door was so warped, there was just no escape.
I apologize.
- (loud thump) - EMT: Watch it! Oh, God.
Low step.
Come on.
Look, Sabrina, I am so sorry.
(grunts) Ai, that sauna took the wrong Jimmy.
Yeah.
Well, you know, you really should fix that door.
- Well, suck harder.
All right, and now for the finale of the tour, we have all my sweet cars.
See, I don't drive them yet, but when I do, oh, I'm gonna drive the fricking crap out of them.
Who are the gypsies? The what? - The gypsies.
- JIMMY: Hello Oh, oh, don't worry about them, they're nothing.
Got to run.
Talk to you later, babe.
Okay, good-bye, Prince Handso What's up, Prince Handsome? Who's that girl? That woman is Yulia.
We met online.
Like an online dating thing? Kind of.
HotEuroCamGirls.
com - Oh, God.
- Oh.
JIMMY: Oh, yeah.
- Mm.
- I don't have the coin to actually go inside there, but I've seen those ads pop up on my screen.
MICKEY: I mean, come on, Chip.
She doesn't like you.
You know that, right? No duh.
I'm not delusional.
That's why I'm flying her out here so we can get to know each other in person.
- (laughing): Oh.
- (laughs) Oh, Chip, that is so pathetic.
Oh, I'm pathetic? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm not the one doing whatever the hell you guys are doing.
What-What are you doing? We're siphoning gas out of the G to put in the Lambo to move the Lambo, so we can take the Speedster into town.
Why not just take the Lambo? Because 'cause then we wouldn't be driving the Speedster.
What is he saying? I don't know.
He doesn't get it.
What's with the hoses? I just got done explaining it to you.
We're siphoning.
Did your mom not teach you anything? You wouldn't last five seconds in the real world.
This kid's all Pemberton and no Molng.
No what? Mole? - Molng.
My last name.
- Mullen? No.
Mullen? Molng.
M-O-L-N-G.
Molng.
You need to say it from the back of your throat.
What? Did your mom not ever tell you her maiden name? No.
I don't blame her with a name like that.
Okay, you know what? Get out of here.
Go play with your webcam girl, who you're never gonna see in real life, by the way.
Oh, yes, I will.
She'll be here Friday, so why don't you see if they got a couple spare cages down at the kennel? I guarantee that money already went straight up her nose.
I don't know what that means, but whatever it is, you're wrong.
- Ooh, fancy pants.
- (Alba chuckles) You going somewhere fun? Yeah, Kai is taking me out to dinner.
Who's Kai? My fiancé.
The one you manipulated into thinking he got me pregnant.
The guy with the milky abs? Oh.
Oh, that guy? He's still a thing? Yes, he's still a thing.
He's been studying furniture design in Scandinavia.
- Mmm.
- Hey, babe.
Hey, what's going on? I thought we had a reservation.
Oh, yeah.
I thought we could just post up instead.
The Chinese food in Sweden sucked.
Hey, everybody.
- Mm.
- Hey, Kai.
How was furniture school? I didn't end up going.
Yeah, the application wasn't in English, so I just did my own thing.
Oh, it wasn't in English so he didn't go.
Yeah, a lot of sauna, ate some fish.
Anyway, I'm gonna go beast on this Kung Pao before it gets cold.
It was nice seeing you guys.
(laughs) (laughs) Well, that was a fun exchange.
You know, he's still figuring some stuff out.
Look, man, I am not judging, okay? At least he's a hot loser.
(scoffs) Kai's not a loser.
Jimmy's a loser.
Absolutely.
They remind me a lot of each other.
That's insane.
They are nothing alike.
Look, when I first met Jimmy, he was a tight little slice of ass.
Then at some point, he kind of just let himself go, started growing breasts.
We've kind of just been phoning it in ever since.
I do not like where this is going.
Two Jimmys is too many Jimmys.
Kung Pao.
(laughs) (Kai laughs) Oh.
MICKEY (laughing): Okay.
I like how you made your bangs extra big.
(laughing): The girls love a big bang.
Am I right? Hey, ooh, Chip, I have a question for you.
Um, does it make you nervous (laughing): that there's only one bag left? Does that bother you? - Shut up, okay.
- Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Come on, Yulia.
Show yourself.
Um, hey, bud, think it might be time to throw the towel in.
(laughing): What do you think? - Okay, you need to stop.
Stop right now.
- Yeah.
Sure.
Look, there she is.
- Eh? - Yulia.
(Chip and Mickey shout) Oh.
Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else.
(laughing) (laughing): Oh, my God.
Oh, it was so good.
How could I be so blind? Thought Yulia was a beautiful angel.
Turns out she's just a beautiful, lying whore.
(sighs) All right, look, first of all, don't talk about women like that, okay? Second of all (sighs) you know, the world's full of wolves and sheep, right? Yulia, she's a wolf.
I'm a wolf.
But you, you're a sheep.
And see, it's the wolf's job to eat the sheep, right? And so, y-you know, this was bound to happen.
Great, so I'm gonna spend the rest of my life getting devoured.
I mean, not necessarily.
You know, you are half Molng, right? I guess.
Yeah, so we just got to make sure that Molng part rises to the top.
(sighs) All right.
What the hell.
Teach me how to be a Mulk.
It's Molng.
Molnga.
Oh, we'll practice in the car.
All right, time to stop being prey and start being a predator.
First things first, you need to learn to feed yourself.
Go steal some chips.
Mm, no, thanks.
Ironically, I'm not a big chip guy.
Well that doesn't matter.
I'm trying to teach you something here.
A wolf takes what it needs.
Yeah, but I don't need chips.
I just ate a quesadilla.
- You ate without me? - I was hungry.
All right, that's that's not the point, okay? You think a wolf just walks by a deer and is like, "Meh.
Uh I'm not that hungry.
I just had a quesadilla.
" Where would a wolf get a quesadilla? G Go steal the chips, okay? And I'll meet you outside.
Be smart.
Be stealthy.
- Be smooth, just like a wo - Oh, my God, get away from me.
You got this.
Uh Yes, I'm a mutating French Kissing Andy Kissing Jack, kissing Johnny, kissing Mike Smacking chicks and licking faces Snugging ladies, slapping boys, boys, boys Going hot, tease your daddy Driving wild, wild nuts Yes, I'm a mutating French Kissing Andy, kissing Jack, kissing Johnny Kissing Mike, smacking chicks and licking faces Wh Lesson number one: trust no one.
Are you insane? You almost just got me arrested over a bag of chips.
Here's your cut.
I don't want the chicken! I didn't want the chips! You used me.
Lesson number two: you look around the room, you can't spot the sucker, chances are you're the sucker.
I know I'm the sucker.
That's why we're here.
You're supposed to teach me how to be a wolf.
Well, I know a wolf wouldn't let a perfectly good chicken go to waste.
Fine.
Fine.
I'll eat the damn chicken.
Psycho.
Congratulations.
You're ready to move on to phase two of your training.
Well, finish the chicken.
I mean, I worked very hard to steal that chicken.
Turns out he was Mormon the whole time.
(both laugh) (door opens) Oh Didn't realize, um, you guys were hanging out.
Oh, yeah.
We got a friendship cooking.
Terrific.
Can I talk to Kai? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(groaning): Absolutely.
- (pounds on door) - You got to lift it.
- Oh.
- Yeah, you got it.
This guy knows his stuff.
- (door closes) - Ah, he's great.
So what's up, babe? You know I was just wondering, now that you're home, what's your plan? I don't know.
You want to see a movie or something? No.
No.
I-I meant something bigger.
Oh, you mean like an IMAX? Forget the movie.
Kai, what are your dreams? (scoffs) Well, you are, babe.
I got everything I need right here in this sauna.
Maybe you should start figuring it out so that people don't think that you're a loser.
People think I'm a loser? No.
(scoffs) No.
They don't now.
But they might think that soon.
You know? So maybe it's a good time to just start thinking about it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- For you, anything.
- Thank you.
I'll let you get back to it.
- Okay.
- Okay, good.
Oh, you got to lift it.
Yeah, I live here.
Okay.
Step into my office.
(indistinct race chatter on TVs) Your office smells like urine.
I thought we were going to a horse race.
What the hell is this place? It's off track betting.
Why'd I wear a suit? Beats me, that was your choice.
Okay, if you want to be a wolf, you're gonna need to learn to spot a sheep.
(cheering) What about that guy? Very good.
Why? 'Cause he's waving his money around - like a jackass.
- Exactly.
Kind of like you with your Internet prostitute.
What? She's not an Internet prostitute.
Yeah.
Yes, she is.
Will you just get to the point? Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
First things first.
Wha? Oh! What the hell? Wh Ugh! Okay.
Your turn, do me.
And don't give me one of your sissy taps, either, okay? I need you to muster up all the strength you can in that tiny, pale, bony body of yours.
(grunts) - (indistinct cheering) - MAN: Come on, come on, man.
I will ruin you when we get home.
Now give me your wallet.
No way, I don't trust you.
Very nice.
You're learning.
Good.
Do need the wallet, though, 'cause it's part of the thing, so give it to me.
I'll give it back to you in a minute, you're gonna get it back.
Okay, follow me.
Look, he's making a move.
- Excuse me.
- Here he goes.
Go, go.
Excuse me.
(indistinct cheering) Officer.
Hey.
My nephew and I just got mugged in the parking lot.
It's that guy in the hat over there.
Wait here.
This the guy? Yep, that's him.
What are you talking about? Check his pockets.
You'll find my nephew's wallet and a winning ticket for the sixth race.
I've never seen this woman before.
You okay? My apologies, ma'am.
Don't worry about a thing.
- We'll handle it from here.
- Thank you.
You like beating up on kids, you sick son of a bitch? - Uh, no.
Whoa.
- CHIP: Oh.
(gambler grunts and groans) MICKEY: Okay.
- Yikes.
- GAMBLER: I don't even know her! I'm not used to working with kids.
That really struck a nerve.
Oh, man! That was amazing.
How much did we make? 38 bucks Boom.
That-That's it? - Hmm? - The suit you destroyed cost a grand.
Yeah.
Lesson 14: Dress casual.
Wolves don't wear suits.
Wolves don't wear anything.
What are you? You got to cash the ticket.
- Will you please just relax? - (doorbell rings) Oh, that's probably the cops.
Here to throw us in jail for $38 and a chicken.
So calm down.
Wolves don't get rattled.
You're not a wolf, you're a frickin' bottom feeder.
If anything, you are an oyster, and I eat oysters.
Why are you talking about eating oysters? What the hell is going on? Talk normal.
I'm done with this.
All right.
Well, wolves don't quit.
- Well, I do.
- Chip Someone's here to see you.
Hello, my Chip.
It was the crazies.
The immigration people held me for whole day.
I tell them, "I has my visa, misters," but they don't do listening.
Those scumbags.
They didn't touch you, did they? Okay.
And why didn't you just call Chip? I didn't has American telephone.
You know what? Tomorrow you get yourself a new phone.
Oh, come on.
So you're telling me there was no phone for you to borrow? I'm sorry.
This just isn't adding up.
Yulia's answered enough questions for one day.
- She just flew across the frickin' world.
- Mm-hmm.
Come on, Yulia.
I'll help you get settled.
Alba! Who the hell is this? I am Yulia.
I am girlfriend of Chip.
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Alba, can you please help Yulia to the guest room? - Thank you, Chip.
- (Alba muttering) ALBA: crap outside.
(Mickey clears throat) How does it taste? How does what taste? The frickin' foot in your mouth.
I can't believe I listened to you.
Yulia's not scamming me.
Oh, you stupid little boy.
(laughs) You just let a wolf right into the henhouse.
It's a fox in the henhouse, idiot.
You don't let anything into the henhouse.
'Cause it'll eat the hens.
(sighs) Hey.
Whatcha doing? Oh, hey, babe.
I'm just getting ready to go to a meeting.
You're going to a meeting dressed like that? Oh, right.
(laughs) Ah, I got so excited, I totally forgot to tell you.
- What? - I'm starting my own business.
- You are? - Yeah.
Babe, that's so great.
I'm really happy for you.
Yeah.
It's awesome.
You ready to do this or what? - What's he doing here? - That's my business partner.
Yeah, we're gonna go have a brainstorming sesh - right now in the sauna.
- You two are working together.
All that stuff you said was really inspiring.
- What? - I told Jimmy about our talk.
- Wh That's not what I - It got me thinking.
Who's the neediest demographic? Women, right? What do women love? Beef.
And what do they hate? Fixing crap.
So we put the two together, and came up with - Stud Nailers.
- Yeah.
It's our shirtless handyman service.
It's like topless maids, but dudes.
Plus, having a business partner, who's also a friend, takes off a lot of pressure.
Now, see? That story alone's gonna get us tons of customers, man.
And then this ab thing, that is icing on the cake.
Your abs are made of cake.
Okay.
Well, right now they are, so Kai hits the field solo for a little bit, I hang back, drop some L-Bs, and then I just come riding up ripped.
It's a good thing we got that sauna, right? Yeah.
Course, I'm also gonna get a beard trimmer, and take care of all my downstairs So how was everyone's day? Awesome.
My cousin violated his parole, which in and of itself isn't good news, but we're gonna get his van until he gets out.
I'm thinking we just stick a giant-ass decal right on the side of it.
Dude, great idea! It's gonna be like a mobile billboard.
Boom.
SABRINA: Well, it'll still be a van.
Babe, I am I'm so proud of you.
It's so exciting.
Just don't get your hopes up, you know? What do you mean? Mm, handyman service? It's not exactly a groundbreaking idea.
How much money can you really make? - A lot.
- YULIA: I see same thing with street girls in my country.
So many risks, too small money.
Yeah.
This girl gets it.
Who are you again? Wha She's my girlfriend.
Why does everyone keep questioning that? Yeah, everyone can see that she is his girlfriend.
YULIA: Why don't you put on a Web show instead? That way you can has many customers all at once, and you also not get hurt.
That's brilliant.
- Jimmy, did you hear that? - Yeah.
So smart, babe.
(chuckling): Yeah, totally.
You know what? I'm just gonna come right out and ask it.
Yulia, what are your intentions here? Oh, Chip invited me.
No, no, I know.
That wasn't the question, was it? I'm wondering, what is a wolf like you doing with a sheep like Chip? No, Yulia, you do not have to answer that question.
Is okay.
I like Chip because he's sheep.
Huh? Sheep are good.
They're soft.
A sheep will never hurt me.
In Soviet times, my papa was turned into, um how you call? Drinking cripple.
Alcoholic.
He was not very gentle to my mother.
So to help my mother, I had to, um I had to do a lot of things to survive.
Life has not been easy for me.
(softly): Hey.
We've all had to do things to survive.
Stop.
Stop.
You see what you did? Now she's all upset.
Come on, Yulia, you don't have to take this.
I like her.
She has great ideas.
(inhales) (inhales) Whoa.
(sniffs) Hey.
Uh, we're getting gas, 'cause we're going to the hardware store tomorrow.
Cool.
So, about Stud Nailers, I need you to stop it.
You want us to stop our business? That, your friendship, everything.
I don't want you hanging out with Kai anymore.
- Why? - Because I want him to have a chance, and if he keeps hanging out with you, that won't happen.
You ruined your chance.
Your life is dark and depressing.
Okay, you know, Sabrina, by the tone of your voice, I can tell you're about to say something pretty hurtful.
Were you not just listening? I said something hurtful.
Your life is sad.
I don't want you around Kai anymore, okay? Look, listen, sweetheart, if you think I'm gonna throw away a friendship for a little bit of cash in my pocket How's $2,000? That's a lot more than I thought He can't know it was my idea.
Got it? Fine.
- Okay, we've got Sabrina's laptop - Mm-hmm.
- Chip's Rolex, - Mm-hmm.
Ben's Sandy Koufax ball, - okay, my flannel.
- Oh, good.
We need something of yours.
Let me get that necklace.
Mm, uh, no.
My abuelita gave this to me when I was five.
Alba, we each need to put something in the bag, or it's gonna look shady, okay? Oh, I don't know about this.
We're just speeding up the inevitable.
- Oh - If a crooked cop plants drugs on a guilty suspect, the suspect's still guilty, right? What kind of drugs? What kind A-Are you serious? I don't know, Alba.
What kind of drugs do you need it to be in order to give me the necklace? - Coke? - Coke! It's coke.
Thank you.
You're driving me nuts.
All right, we wake up in a few hours say we've been robbed, find all of our crap in Yulia's bag, and Chip will finally see her for the dishonest tramp that she is.
- That's good.
- It's gonna be so fun.
(rattling door) (exhales) Hey! There he is.
Pop those jeans off.
Start sweating.
I'm not here to sweat with you, Kai.
You're not? No, I'm not.
Not today or ever again.
I don't understand.
Well, I've been doing some thinking, and, uh I think Stud Nailers is dumb, and I think you're dumb.
But I thought we were friends.
Yeah, that's 'cause you're a dumb guy, Kai.
So don't try and contact me or come win me back or just, you know Just leave me alone, all right? (rattling door) - You got to jiggle it.
- I know I have to jiggle it.
(strained grunting) (exhales) (whispers): Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Oh, good morning, Romeo.
How'd you sleep? - Fine.
- Mickey, we have a problem.
We have been robbed! - What?! - Yeah.
Who in the entire world could do something like this? It could be anyone Yuli Somebody stole my laptop.
Somebody stole my baseball! I can't find my boots.
What? All right, all right, everybody just settle down.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
- Hey, Chip, where's Yulia? - Whoa.
Probably somewhere over the Atlantic.
- Huh? - ALBA: Wha? I dumped her.
What? Why? She totally emasculated me last night at dinner.
I can't be with somebody who thinks I'm a sheep.
That necklace has been in my family for generations.
- Damn it, Chip, - My mother had (several shouting at once) Everyone, calm down! Relax, okay? I'll explain what happened.
(sighs) What happened is that you got played just exactly like I told you you were going to.
(chuckles) - I feel so stupid.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
You know why? 'Cause you are stupid.
Here I am, spewing information, life skills all over you.
And what do you do? You just swat 'em away! You swat every single one of them away, and then you're all confused about what happened? Oh, you stupid child.
You know, I I think the real lesson here is that it's easy to brand all adult entertainers as untrustworthy crooks.
But if you really want to know the truth, it's women in general that cannot be trusted.
(scoffs) You're one to talk.
Thief.
What? Kai didn't come to bed last night, okay? I know you didn't break up with him.
Yeah, I did, last night in the sauna.
What is that smell? You guys smell that? (grunts): Oh, ah, careful, now.
The door was so warped, there was just no escape.
I apologize.
- (loud thump) - EMT: Watch it! Oh, God.
Low step.
Come on.
Look, Sabrina, I am so sorry.
(grunts) Ai, that sauna took the wrong Jimmy.
Yeah.
Well, you know, you really should fix that door.