The Mick (2017) s02e04 Episode Script

The Haunted House

1 Get out of my bed, fatso.
- (grunts) Oh! Oh - (gagging) Oh, my God.
Oh, my, God, Mickey! Mickey, help! - (screams) - (saw buzzing) (shrieking) - (laughs) - Aah! What the hell's wrong with you guys?! You could've killed me! No, no, no.
If we wanted to kill you, you'd be dead.
What's with the Obama mask? Oh, yeah, that was just the only mask I could find.
Just a little Halloween fun.
- Oh, I frickin' hate Halloween.
- What?! Oh, what are you, a cop? It's the best day of the year.
Yeah, it makes Christmas look like Hanukkah.
Of course you like it.
It's a holiday based entirely - on free handouts.
- I'm not sure if you're aware, but there is a war on fun in this country.
First they take our nudity, and then our profanity, and then our violence.
- Who's they? - Them! The enemy.
You know? The big dogs, the the fat cats.
- Mm, makes me sick.
- Course it makes you sick.
It makes everybody sick.
But not tonight, sir.
No way.
Not Halloween.
This is the one night the one night Where authority means nothing, okay? Yeah, I'm gonna transform this place into a brothel of sin.
- What? - Oh, yeah.
He's really good at it, too.
I think you're gonna really like it.
You should see what he does to his apartment every Halloween.
Yeah.
Finally, I have a playground worthy of my talents.
Absolutely not.
People already think this house is haunted.
I refuse to participate.
Um refusal denied.
Hey, I'm serious.
It's not happening! Over my dead body! Where you want this fog machine? Oh, uh, pop it over by those buckets of pigs' blood, right there.
You're really allowing this? Why wouldn't I? This party's the perfect way to cement my legacy.
What legacy? Chip, I'm probably the coolest person that ever went to Lockwood but, thanks to our parents, my reputation's taken a slight hit.
I just need to make sure that people remember me for the right reasons.
And not just now, but ten years, 20 years from now.
This party's gonna be a monument to the legend that is Sabrina Pemberton.
Healthy self-image.
Hey! Halloween, baby.
I got 40 pounds of raw goat meat and cow intestines, ooh, and a buttload of chicken gizzards.
Stick 'em right there, I'll go through 'em later.
Okay.
Oh, I got to find a Halloween costume.
Oh, Jimmy and I got you covered.
You know what we do? We got this tradition where you got to choose each other's Halloween costume, and whatever gets chosen, you got to go with it.
- You got to commit.
- Oh, okay, do me.
- Yeah, you want in on that? - Yeah, yeah.
All right.
Fernando Valenzuela.
Right? - Who the hell is that? - Who the hell are you? He's only, like, one of the best pitchers of all time.
- I've never heard of him.
- People will love it, trust me.
- My turn.
- Randy Johnson.
You guys making these names up? Don't do pitcher just 'cause I did pitcher.
No, I'm not.
You inspired me.
You know, I mean, you got these long, floppy limbs and this, like emaciated face.
Uh No, like, in a good way.
No (quietly): I find Randy Johnson very attractive.
All right, whatever.
Alba, do Jimmy.
Okay, uh Garbage.
- SABRINA: (chuckles) Nice.
- Garbage what? Like the garbage man to drive a truck? No.
No man.
No truck.
Just garbage.
- Nice.
Jimmy's garbage.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Hey, what about me? I want to play.
I don't know.
You can't go throwing one of your bitch fits if you don't get sexy ladybug.
If I'm wearing it, it's gonna be sexy.
Well, we'll see about that, Steve Jobs.
- Oh.
That's good.
- (Jimmy chuckles) Also a legend.
Makes perfect sense.
I don't feel so good.
My butt keeps throwing up.
Oh, no! I can't get butt sick.
Uh not for the party.
Jimmy, can you quarantine him? Oh, yeah, on it.
I'm immune.
I can't remember the last time my butt wasn't throwing up.
But what about Halloween? I want to be a ghoul and eat all the candy.
Well, the candy's not going anywhere.
Once we plug up your pipes, you can eat it till your butt starts throwing up all over again.
- Boom.
- Right.
Aw.
Feel better, baby.
(doorbell rings) Hey there, little guy.
Kind of early to be trick-or-treating, isn't it? Wait a second, I remember this guy.
Didn't I smash you? Oh! Yeah, that's right.
Man, I would think that tasing a resident would be grounds for dismissal.
- Suspension.
- Hmm.
Which, as of tonight, has been lifted.
I'm back in the field, where I belong.
Well, everybody loves a good comeback story.
- Thanks for stopping by.
- Not so fast.
I received an anonymous complaint about a party here, tonight.
Hmm.
What? - I told you: no parties.
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you for your concern.
I appreciate it.
But we are not having a party.
All set.
Eight kegs, four taps, 200 pounds of ice.
Sign here, please.
(pen scratching on paper) I enjoy drinking.
I like the escape.
I'm warning you.
- Look, even if we were having a party - Which we are not.
Which we are not There would be nothing you could do about it, because you're weak and insignificant.
And you certainly wouldn't be invited, - 'cause you would ruin the vibe.
- (scoffs) See, that's where you're wrong.
It's Halloween tonight.
- The police are stretched thin.
- Mm-hmm? So within the walls of this gated community, I am the law.
And if I hear so much as one noise complaint, - Uh-huh.
- By God, I will rain down Oh, Chip.
Now, why'd you go and do something like that? Very bad idea, this thing you did.
I warned you guys.
We're not throwing a party.
It's a stupid holiday for stupid people.
I won't be a part of it.
Why are you walking towards me? Stop.
Stop! Stand down! I command you.
Don't make me do something I'll regret.
Are you insane? Let me out! This is ridiculous.
Told you you'd be participating.
Happy Halloween.
- (chuckles) - Release me! Release me now! - CHIP: You gotta let me out, man.
- (cage rattling) Help me! Come on, let me out.
Let me out now! - (cage rattling) - I don't get his costume, but cage boy is really committed.
Just let me out of the cage now! (shrieks): Come o I don't get it.
Randy Jackson from American Idol? No, Randy Johnson.
The Big Unit? Seattle Mariners? Dude, I'm just trying to get a drink.
All right, well, sit tight, guy.
My homegirl's filling up - her pumpkin.
- Yeah.
All right.
(laughs) - You good? - Yeah! - Wow, this party is awesome.
- Oh, yeah.
(laughs) Oh, did you know that when you flush the toilets, they fill back up with blood? Classic bloody bowl.
Yeah.
Hot garbage, coming through.
- Ooh! - Yeah.
I went method.
I've already gone to the bathroom twice in this thing.
Okay.
Normally that would gross me out, - but I'm very excited by this commitment.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Well, why don't you get excited about this? ALBA: What is that? - JIMMY: That is Ben.
- ALBA: Ugh.
- Rigged up a baby monitor.
- He looks awful.
Well, I slapped some ghoulish makeup on him - once he passed out.
- How is he sleeping through this? Put, uh, some cold medication in some candy Sucked it right down.
Oh.
Nice.
Good thinking.
What else you got? Uh, let's see.
I got a lot.
Oh.
See that nerd over there by what he thinks is a speaker? - Mm-hmm.
- It's not.
It's a blood cannon.
- (both giggling) - Watch this.
- See ya, nerd.
- ALBA: What's he doing? - What? Okay, what's he doing? - Damn it.
I got a glitch.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
- I got to go fix it.
- Aah! - Oh.
- (laughs) I don't remember Jobs doing shorts.
Think different.
Don't know what that means.
So what do you think? Is this a party worthy of the legendary Sabrina Pemberton? Yeah, but this is just the opening act.
The main event's right over there.
Damn, Peter's not a boy anymore.
- Mm.
- Actually, he is.
He's a freshman.
You're gonna nail a freshman? Not just a freshman.
The freshman Matty Pruitt.
After I sink my teeth into him, he'll be talking about me for the next four years, and that is how you cement a legacy.
Your mind is a frightening place.
(laughing): Oh.
It looks like someone's moving in.
- (Alba and Mickey laugh) - All right.
That's not part of the plan.
- I like this.
That pleases me.
- (laughing): Yes.
Damn it! There's supposed to be a skeleton tearing through here on a zip line, a real one.
Where'd you get a real skeleton? Oh, a vet clinic down in Hartford.
It's actually a raccoon, but it looks just like a little kid.
Jimmy, just let me out of the cage.
Oh, but Mick would eat me alive if I did that.
But I'll tell you what I can do.
I can give you this.
What is that? Well, people will respect you more if they think you chose to be in the cage.
I am not wearing a monkey costume.
Hmm.
Suit yourself.
I got to go fix a broken breaker board.
This is a disaster.
ALBA: Come on, bring it! - (indistinct shouting) - MICKEY: And the pitch.
- Oh! Not my boob! Aah! - (people clamoring, groaning) Lighten up.
You're fine.
Put it back up on the head.
Hold still this time.
SECURITY GUARD: Okay, party's over, everyone! - Oh, no, no, no.
- Every single one of you, get out! - Yeah, you heard me.
Let's go! - MICKEY: No, no.
No.
Nobody go anywhere, all right? This man is not to be respected.
He has no authority.
Yes, I am, and I do.
Come on, let's empty these cups! - Okay.
- (gasps) (gasps, pants) That is not what I meant.
- No? - And you know it! - Oh.
- Don't push me! Like that? I don't like piglets like you.
You know, coming around, snorting around, ruining everybody's fun.
And on this this holiest of nights? (in deep voice): How dare you! That's it! I'm taking you in.
Hey! - Give that back to me! - Come get it, pig.
Give it back.
Give Hey, hey, hey! Give it! Give it back.
Give Hey, someone help me.
- Oh, yeah.
- Come on.
I'm an offic - Boo, bitch! - (people gasping) - Alba! - Oh, mischief, baby! (laughs) If that were a real person, that would be very inappropriate.
- Oh, come on.
- Well, now we got to - (grunts) - We got to move him now? All right, let's go.
Man down.
Everybody out of the way.
- What the hell are you doing? - Shut up, monkey.
- (groaning) - Hey, back! (groans, bars rattle) Come on.
Come on, load him up.
- Okay.
There we go, yeah.
- There we go.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- (panting) - (whoop) - And that, my friend - Ooh! (laughs) - is how you clean up a mess.
- (laughing): Yeah.
- (laughing): Yeah.
- WOMAN (over radio): Unit 37, we've got a receptacle fire over on Maple.
Need you to extinguish.
Copy? 37? You mean there's 36 more of these losers? WOMAN (over radio): Unit 37, please respond.
Copy? Well, if we don't respond, they're gonna send someone to look for him.
That's not good.
(in deep voice): Uh, 10-4, Eleanor.
This is unit 37 on it.
Uh, copy-copy.
Roger-dodger.
Over.
Hey, having fun? Sabrina, hey! - Awesome party.
- Mm-hmm.
Do people actually live here? (laughing): Oh, my God.
What a funny question.
You're so funny.
Oh, my God.
And this costume! So funny.
- Oh, thanks.
- It's, like, Tinker Bell is such a crazy little psycho, you know? - It's perfect for you.
- How is Tinker Bell a psycho? (laughing): How is she not a psycho, right? She's so obsessed with Peter that she tries to kill herself.
I don't think she tries to kill herself.
Yeah, she definitely does.
She realizes that he's more into Wendy, and then, you know, she pounds a bunch of poison.
Honestly, what did she think was gonna happen, right? I mean, he's a boy, and you're a bug.
It's like, "Get out of here, bug.
Stop bugging everyone.
" (laughs) Do you want me to leave or something? Are you crazy? I want you to stay and have fun, unless you feel like you want to leave, in which case, - you should totally go.
- JIMMY: Pick up your foot, - or you're gonna get electrocuted.
- Hey, watch it.
Jimmy, do you mind? I'm in the middle of a conversation.
JIMMY: Oh, I'm sorry, you're in the middle of a conversation, because I got a busted compression system on my number four blood cannon.
That's okay.
I'm gonna go find Matty.
Uh See what you did! Idiot! And it lurks inside of us all Ridiculous.
- (electrical pop, buzzing) - Aah! And it's hard to be the one you want me to (gasps) Candy.
(siren wailing, tires squealing) (both laughing) (siren stops) Whoa! Okay.
- For a security car, this lady's got balls.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna go stomp that out.
- Then we'll get back to the fun.
- Yeah, okay.
- (gasps, shrieks) - BOY: Yeah, man, get him.
Nice.
- (shrieking, groaning) - Yeah, keep throwing.
Stop! (coughs) Stop it! (Mickey shrieks) Oh! You better run, you little bastards! I will murder you! I will burn your houses while your families sleep in them! I will drink your blood! Buckle up, Alba! (tires screech) You know, just to play devil's advocate, they were only having fun.
How about you stop worrying about the devil and advocate for my face?! Okay.
There's just so many costumes.
How are we going to see them? We just need to see someone who doesn't want to see us.
Got him.
(tires squealing) (tires screech) (panting) What's up now, piggy? Out of your jurisdiction? (laughs) (engine revving) (tires screech) (panting) Who the hell are you? I'm Randy Johnson.
Who? You've been going about this all wrong.
Matty's only here with Tinker Bell because he thinks that you're unattainable, which makes sense.
You are.
Sabrina, come on.
This guy's awake, and it's getting weird.
I agree.
You just need to prove to him that you're open to being attained.
(chuckles) That's good.
Can I at least get a drink? (grunts) Hey, Peter.
- Hey.
- Find your shadow yet? I uh, no, n-not yet.
It's actually, it's kind of hard with all the lights in here.
- (laughs): Right.
- You know.
Yeah.
Uh, I'm pretty sure I saw it in my bedroom.
- Come on.
I'll show you.
- Ah, oh, man Oh.
Is Matty Pruitt shy? No.
No, it-it's not it's not that.
Um Sabrina, you're you're really great.
I just, uh, I came here with Gretchen.
Uh, Tinker Bell.
You know I just, I-I don't want to disrespect her like that.
(laughs): Oh, whoa, Matty, slow down, okay? I'm not trying to hit on you.
- You're not? - You're You're a freshman, you know? You're just you're just a little guy.
- You know? - Okay.
Oh, don't be embarrassed It's just you're not there yet.
Plus, I have a boyfriend.
He lives in the city, and, um he's European.
So it's, like a whole thing.
I should I should probably call him.
It's been like, a wh Bye.
All right, so we got, like, 20 eggs left, so what if we soaked them in lighter fluid and lit them on fire so we could throw fire eggs Well, well, well.
(grunts) Who the hell are you guys? I'm Hernando Lalazoola.
It's Fernando Valenz Just forget about it.
- What the hell, Sean? - What do you want from me? - These dudes are nuts.
- Okay, fellas, here's what I'm thinking.
I take you back home to your parents, charge you with assault, probably just toss you in juvie, - maybe throw you in the big boy tank.
- Oh, no.
Or you guys eat every single one of these eggs and walk away.
Sounds like a good deal.
(chuckles): Uh, but that's impossible.
Graduating from high school is impossible! Eating eggs is entirely possible.
Sir, I'm-I'm really sorry Open your mouth.
(faint grunt) Now bite.
Because I think I'd remember if I signed for it.
Did you check his I.
D.
? Oh, you just hand over a 50-gallon drum of slime to any Tom, Dick or Harry with a pencil?! Hang on a second.
Sabrina, did you sign for my slime, or know who did? - What?! - Yeah, she doesn't know.
So let me tell you how this is gonna work.
No.
Because Sabrina, that's tech support! I've got bigger problems, okay? Matty Pruitt just rejected me! And it's fine, 'cause I played it off and told him I had a Euro boyfriend.
But seriously, who the hell does he think he is? I mean, I'm way hotter than that Tinker Bell slut.
Oh.
He's with Tinker Bell.
Let me tell you something.
I'm the hottest girl in school, okay? I could screw all those girls' boyfriends if I wanted to.
And when they go home and they cry to their daddies, I could kick the door down and screw their daddies, too! Okay, even if that is true, I recommend we not do that.
I can do whatever the hell I want, you fool.
(whispers): I'm unstoppable.
JIMMY (on monitor): Yah.
Yah.
I know it.
I know.
Yah, because I did it myself.
Do not put me on hold! (Jimmy groans in frustration) (pants) You guys, I was kidding.
- Honestly, I was kidding.
- BOY: Oh, great.
Oh, my God, it's Halloween Lighten up.
Let's party, right? Let's All right, so what? Okay? It's not like what I said wasn't true.
I am the hottest girl in school, and you all know that.
It's genetics what are you gonna do, be mad at my genes? - (scattered laughter) - Seriously? Who did that? Huh? Come on, man up Who did that? Oh, you don't know? Who did it! Come on, we were just trying to have some fun.
That wasn't fun, okay? I know fun, all right? I invented fun.
Come on, it's Halloween.
I also invented Halloween.
But you said if we ate the eggs, you'd let us go.
- Well, you did say that.
- I know what I said.
I lied.
It was a trick.
That's what Halloween's all about.
Right? Tricks and treats.
Not assaulting people with unborn chickens.
Now, you sit here and reflect on your poor choices, while me and should-be Hall of Famer Fernando Valenzuela go tear the ass off this place.
(laughs): Oh, yeah, you think that's funny? I'll tell you what's funny How irrelevant you all are! You're just a bunch of maggots I've been carrying on my back for years! But not anymore.
No, no, no, no, no.
Soon I'll be gone, and you'll all be adrift in a sea of mediocrity just dreaming of sunnier days when I was your queen and you were just jesters in my court! And you'll remember this day, because your lives Will never be the same But me, me, I'm never gonna think about it again.
I made you and I can destroy you, and you will never forget me! You will remember me! Aah! - (explosion) - (shouts) (high-pitched tone drones) (muted, distorted voices) JIMMY (muted): Oh, man! Oh, my God! - (voice muted) - (high-pitched tone continues) (muted) (high-pitched tone drones) (muted) (high-pitched tone drones) Dude, she's a witch.
No, don't eat that, Benito.
But Mickey said I could have as much as I want.
Yeah, I know, but this is covered in pig's blood.
No.
Oh, well, well.
Don't talk to me.
(mock crying): "Don't talk to me.
" Hey, lady! You're crazy.
You could've killed someone! Hey, pipe down, security man.
The way I see it you got two options.
You can either be the zero who was locked in a cage all night naked with a 13-year-old boy, or you could be the hero who rounded up and captured a bunch of vandals who were terrorizing the neighborhood.
They are sitting in your car out front.
Fine.
Give me the keys.
Can I have my clothes back? No.
(groans): Oh (chuckles) Oh, Mick, I wish you could've seen it.
I don't think anyone's ever gonna forget this night - as long as they live.
- Oh, God.
Yeah.
No kidding.
Why did you do it without me? Well, next time's gonna be nuts.
I know a guy who works at a morgue down in Providence.
Now, he said if nobody claims a John Doe after 30 days, they just toss it in the furnace.
He said he could easily set one aside for me.
- Oh! That's awesome! - Oh-ho-ho-ho! Oh, no, no, no, come on, can't we just be done with this? - (shrieks) - Aah! (laughter) I frickin' hate Halloween! (laughter continues) - Jimmy! - This is good.