The Mick (2017) s02e06 Episode Script

The Matriarch

1 PARTY PLANNER: I don't know what to tell you.
I'm not seeing a Mullen.
Maybe 'cause that's not my name.
It's Mickey Molng.
Mulling? Molng.
I don't Could you spell that? I feel like you're trying to get cute.
Are you being cute? - Try Maldanado.
M-a-l - We're not on the They're not supposed to be on the list, okay.
It's Sabrina, Chip and Ben Pemberton.
We're Rita's great-grandchildren.
This is her 100th birthday.
I'm sorry, I can't let you in if you're not on the list.
No, okay.
Well, here's the thing about lists: I have one also, and you, my friend, are just climbing right up - to the tippy-top of it - Grandpa! Can you just just stay right-right there, please.
Come on.
PARTY PLANNER: I'm sorry, ma'am.
He just ran in.
- Tippy.
- TIPPY: Oh, great.
Mickey: Nice to see you up on your hind legs.
Grandma, tell this door jockey there's a mistake.
We're not on the guest list.
Probably because you weren't invited.
You're an infected limb of this family and I've decided to sever you.
Please see them out, lest they further agitate the colonel.
RITA: Helen? - Is that you? - CHIP: Here we go.
Oh, oh, it is.
(Gasps) What a marvelous surprise.
I haven't seen you in a crow's age.
(Gasps) And you brought your sweet boy.
Little Dippy.
- Get off me! - TIPPY: Rita! This is not Helen.
This is the whore's sister of that other whore, who married your grandson.
Hush up, Tippy.
My dearest friend, Helen, treks all the way from coral gables - with her feeble-minded boy - MICKEY: Mm.
And you haven't the decency to show them in? - For shame! - For shame indeed, Tippy.
Helen, you and Dippy make yourselves at home.
Well, thank you very much, Rita.
We will.
Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- (Alba chuckles) Okay, now, this is what I'm talking about, right? This is the life I signed up for when I agreed to babysit you turds.
This is the life we were living before you showed up.
ALBA: Wow, this is nice.
Can I drink water out of the goldfish pond? No.
Why not? The fishes do it.
Let's act like we belong here.
Aah! hot! Oh, go - Just excessively hot.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you got to use the stick.
- Yeah.
You want to use a stick and stick it in the fruit.
- And then the fruit goes in.
- Yeah, get some fruit in there.
You know, it's not natural to live to be 100.
When I turn 70 (Imitates gun cocking) Boom-boom, two shots in the head.
Why wait till 70? May I take that, ma'am? Jimmy: Hey.
Don't just throw your bone at the guy.
Why not? It's his job.
May I take yours as well, sir? No, I'm cool.
Jimmy, just give him the bone.
Really, it's no trouble.
It's no trouble for me either, man.
I'll just throw it in my pocket, wait till I find a dumpster.
What's wrong with you? I don't think I'm better than anyone, Sabrina.
No one said you were.
God, you're missing the point.
Haven't you ever experienced real power? Yeah, sure.
Couple times, maybe.
That's a no.
Jimmy, you're missing out.
To have another human being obey your every single command God, I miss having help.
MICKEY: Check out all this cool crap.
Got a fancy candle, headphones, a spa gift certificate.
Keep a lookout.
Let me know if anyone's coming.
- Why? - 'cause I'm gonna steal one.
They're gift bags.
You don't need to steal them.
RITA: There you are, Helen.
I've been looking all over for you.
Gam-gam, it's me, Chip, your great-grandson, remember? Oh, my goodness.
Dippy's speech has improved so much since that dreadful mule nearly put a hoof through his head.
You were so right not to lobotomize him.
Well, I don't know.
Sometimes I think I should have just zapped him and moved on, you know.
- Ooh.
- Ow! Food is for invited guests.
You could stand to skip a meal.
Looking more like a chunk than a chip.
Come now, Rita.
It's time for bed.
It's 5:00.
She's 100 years old.
She needs her rest.
I don't want to.
Helen, you and Dippy should stay the weekend.
We'll play squash.
You can't even brush your own teeth.
Now, chop-chop.
The colonel and I have an early flight.
Oh, yeah? Where you going? Nantucket, if you must know.
Doctors worry if I take on any more stress, I'll have an aneurysm.
Well, no one would want that.
- Thanks for coming.
Now you can crawl back to the ruins from which you came - and never, ever return.
- All right.
- We get it, we won't come back.
- We have a house, calm down.
(Doorbell rings) - Rita! - oh, Helen! I thought you had to get back to Florida.
Oh, no.
Didn't you hear? Nah, Florida's under water.
Oh, my, that's terrible.
Yeah, it is what it is.
You remember the little Dipper.
RITA: Of course.
Come in.
Come in.
And you brought friends.
Don't you feel bad at all? Nah, I never eat like this.
Could go for another short stack at least.
No, I'm talking about taking advantage of an old, senile woman.
She's our great-grandma for frick's sake.
Well, would you rather have her hanging out in this giant house all by herself, collecting dust like a mummy? No.
This way she gets to spend a lovely weekend with her best friend, Helen, and her mushy-brained, little fat boy.
Oh, so Dippy's fat now? Chip, come on.
Think you and I both know that Dippy's not an attractive kid.
RITA: There you are.
Oh, well, there's the birthday girl! Helen, I have to tell you, it is wonderful having you here.
it has been a long time, hasn't it? Helen, when was the last time you two saw each other? Oh, man, dip.
It's been, um Been awhile.
It's, um, tough to say.
Probably August 14, 1945.
Good memory.
That's right.
That-that was ex she's exactly right.
Oh, that day - It was sensational.
The Japanese had just surrendered and we took to the streets to celebrate.
And celebrate we did.
Oh, Rita.
Man, that was a good day.
We thought those little bastards would never give up, huh? - And you took a bottle of champagne and threw it -Mm.
Through the window of that dim sum palace.
Of course, we found out later that dim sum was Chinese, - not Japanese.
- Right.
But we didn't know the difference back then and we didn't care.
(Laughs) What the hell is this? Oh, it's your favorite, Dippy.
Soft-boiled eggs, waffles and sausage.
- All blended up - (Sniffs) Ugh.
Just the way you like it.
I'm not eating this.
I want what she has, the good stuff.
And chew through another one of my spoons? I think not, Dippy.
- MICKEY: Yeah.
- Hey, look.
I-I Mm-mm.
Mama's not gonna say it again.
You drink your breakfast like a good boy.
You got it, Dippy? Understand? Hey, Rita.
After I finish these cakes up, what do you say you take me on a grand tour of this house, huh? I'd love to.
- This place has everything! - (Alba chuckles) What should we do first? Go to the beach? Play tennis? Ooh, go chase a rabbit? No, the only thing I'm doing is heading back to the house to kick my feet up.
I work too hard, Benny.
Always have.
But not today.
(Chuckles) You want to watch a movie Wha Benito? (Stammers, gasps) No.
Don't you go in that maze.
Benny! You No! Benny! Wait! Benito! Benny! Benny, wait! Oh, ho, ho! Okay, you're trapped.
Let's go.
Game's over.
Come on.
I oh.
Uh (Chuckles): okay.
I'm a little turned around.
Do you know how we got in here? Yeah, we go this way.
Come on.
Is it this way? Uh Anxious sound Okay, come on.
This way.
Oh, okay.
Come on, come on, come on.
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay.
We go this way.
Um, no? (Knocking on door) Good afternoon, ma'am.
Is everything okay? No, it's not okay.
My shirt is wrinkled.
I pressed it this morning.
Are you questioning me? Of course not.
My apologies.
I-I'll press it again later.
No! you'll press it now.
JIMMY: Yo! Richard! Oh.
What are you guys doing? Nothing.
I was just giving Richard my laundry.
Oh, I was about to do some.
So why don't you just give it to me and I'll throw it in with my load.
- No, thanks.
- Really? 'Cause we could save water.
I'll put your load with my load and just do one big load, as opposed to Richard having to do a bunch of tiny, little loads.
I said no.
And stop saying "loads.
" (With another accent) Loads.
(Grumbles) Gosh.
What crawled up her ass? I couldn't tell you, sir.
Enough with the "sir" stuff.
Call me Jimmy.
In fact, what are you doing for the rest of the day? - You want to party or something? - I have to work, sir.
Okay, what about tomorrow? I also have to work, sir.
Okay, when are you not working? Sunday.
Sunday it is.
You and me getting ripped, okay? Until then, give me your laundry.
I'll take care of it.
I've already done my own laundry, sir.
Well, what about that shirt? I'm wearing it, sir.
Yeah, and you've been sweating in it all day.
Pop it off.
I'll do it.
I'd rather not.
Dude, I'm not leaving here until I get that shirt.
Yes, sir.
All right.
You know, just It's all right, man.
It's cool.
It's a good fit.
Sunday, - we're getting ripped.
- Okay.
Let's try this way! I know it's right.
It's got to be! No, Benito.
No more ways.
I am done with this maze and its endless trickery.
I will not be a slave to plants.
What are we gonna do? Move aside.
(Cracking, grunting) Badass music (Yells) MICKEY: Pull! - Boom! skeet, skeet! - Ooh! - Bravo.
- Yeah.
Now let me show you how it's done.
- Go for it.
- Pull! Oh I said pull, damn you! Damn, Rita! You a cold-blooded assassin.
- (Chuckles) - you want a bourbon? No, no.
I'm not allowed.
Doctor's orders.
You're 100.
If I get to be 100, I'm not saying I'm gonna shoot heroin, but I'm definitely gonna snort it, you know, or smoke it or something.
You know what, you're right.
Get me a gin Rickey and a pack of smokes! - Mm-hmm.
- You bring out the devil in me.
(Laughs) Attagirl.
- Damn the rules, am I right? Pull! -(Chuckles) Yeah.
- Helen! whoa! - (Grunts) Whoa! Oh, Dippy! Come on, man.
You don't sneak up on a drunk shooter.
I almost blasted another hole in your head.
- Come here.
- Hmm? - What? - This is us.
Okay? the real Helen and little Dippy.
Damn, I was a hot dish of ass.
And, my goodness, that mule got you, didn't he? Yeah, yuk it up.
I'm leaving.
What? No, you're not.
You're not leaving.
Hey, take one for the team, okay? We're all making sacrifices here.
I just drank a ham sandwich.
What sacrifices are you making? You think I want to spend the entire afternoon gabbing with this bird? I don't.
I'm doing it for the family.
You want to send us back to that godforsaken, burned-up hellhole just 'cause you didn't like your breakfast? What do you say we hit the boulevard and go shopping? My treat.
I say bring the car around, Rita.
- (Chuckles) - eh, I could do some shopping.
No, Dippy, the afternoon is for your mother and me.
I have something even better for you.
I am not wearing a helmet.
Then I'm afraid you won't be enjoying this.
- (Chuckles) - Does Dippy like? Dippy likes.
Dippy likes very much.
- Somebody help me - (shouts) Somebody help me somebody, please, somebody - please help me - (grunting) I'm in love now that I've found birds and the bees are helping me round birds are singing their song of cheer love will escape me I fear, somebody help me - somebody help me - (shouts) Somebody, please, somebody please help me.
Saxophone solo Music fading RITA: psst.
(Chuckles) (Gasps, shouts) What are you doing? - Oh, Rita, what the hell? - No, no, Helen, take me, - just like you used to.
- What? - Take me, take me, take me.
- No, no, no, no, no, no! - No! - What ? Didn't we have a nice day? Yeah, yeah.
Good day.
Good day.
- It's not about the day.
- Why won't you look at me? I am looking.
I'm looking.
Look at me, Helen.
(High-pitched): mm-hmm.
I said look at me! (High pitched) Yeah.
I'm seeing it.
I see everything.
If you're worried my hips can't take the workout, don't be.
- (Inhales deeply) - (Mickey yelps) No, that's not it either.
No, I'm-I'm sure you could go all night.
Oh, god.
What am I saying? Get off me.
I got to go.
(Grunting) Oh.
I'm sorry.
Rita, it's not you.
It's really not.
It's, um It's little Dippy, isn't it? Yep! yep, it's Dippy.
That kid, always Getting in the way.
Forget him.
You deserve so much more, and I can give it to you.
Bet you could.
I bet you could.
And-and if he weren't in the picture, oh, man, I would be all over that.
And those.
And, um And even that thing.
But oh, curse you, Dippy! You selfish, feeble-minded boy.
(Chuckles) Oh, I have to go check on him.
(Sighs) Oh! There you are! Listen.
Rita's a lesbian.
She's madly in love with me, so pack your bags.
- We will get out of here.
- What? no.
Did you hear what I just said? Your great-grandmother tried to bone me.
I had to sleep in my car just to get away from her.
- I'm not going anywhere.
- I thought you hated it here.
I did, but then I came around on this whole Dippy situation.
I got to tell you, this is pretty sweet.
I am cleaner than I've ever been.
I-I'm not wasting any time chewing my food, and I'm pretty sure I could dump in my pants, and someone would have to take care of it.
Oh, well, that sounds so lovely.
That's wonderful.
Guess what I did? I woke up with a 100-year-old boob in my face.
- So what? - The woman is a sexual predator.
I'm supposed to have dinner with her tonight.
A dinner I can only assume comes with a whole lot of expectations.
"we all got to make sacrifices," remember? - I don't sound like that.
- Okay.
So some grand old dame wants to get in your pants.
I'm certain you've debased yourself in worse ways.
Now, if you'll excuse me, little Dippy's got to get his soak on.
Electric music JIMMY: Hey, Richard.
It's Sunday.
Time to hear your little sins.
I got cold beer, crisp shirts, down to (Gasps) Well, well, well.
If it isn't little miss "no fraternizing with the help," and Mr.
"I've got too much work to hang out.
" Jimmy, get out of here.
We're busy.
What happened to your work, Richard? - Jimmy, we-we are - Oh, I see.
You're only on a first-name basis with those you betray.
And you.
Some family.
We're not family.
(Music playing faintly) (Shouts) Helen and I need time alone.
(Chip panting) (Quietly): Oh, my god.
(Door opens) - We're leaving, now.
- Oh, thank god.
Crazy bitch just tried to murder me with a toaster.
- She what? -She said that "Helen and I need time alone.
" - Oh, my god.
-I know.
Pack your things.
Let's go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll go.
We will.
- What? well - (Snaps fingers) I should probably go say good-bye first, though.
She just tried to kill me.
I know, but she did that for me.
Nobody's ever tried to kill anybody for me before.
She really does love me.
She doesn't even know who you are.
- She loves Helen.
- You know what? That doesn't matter.
The woman has been very lovely to us, and we're not gonna just ghost her.
She's 100.
She is a ghost.
Look, I got dinner with her in 20 minutes anyway.
I'll go.
I'll let her down easy, and then we'll leave.
It's 3:00.
I know it's 3:00.
She goes to bed at 5:00.
Don't you have a Turkey dinner to go drink somewhere? Get out of here, Dippy.
Fine, I'm I'm gonna go pack my things.
Hey, girl.
- (Inhales) - (clears throat) Oh, Helen.
You look absolutely stunning.
Thank you, Rita.
So do you.
Oh, a little more covered than I'd like.
(Chuckles): yeah, yeah, yeah.
L-let's cool it on the hand stuff.
(Chuckles) - Ooh.
oh! - (Gasps) Oh! You know what? Moratorium on foot stuff, too.
Okay? So, listen, Rita.
We need to talk.
Before you say another word, I want you to have something.
come on.
No more gifts, okay? Please just-just let me say this.
I need to tell you (Gasps) Oh, my! That's, uh Oh, crap.
That's pretty.
Then, let me take care of you.
I'll treat you like gold, baby.
Uh, no, we can't do this anymore.
Listen, Rita, I got to go back to Florida.
I'm sorry, but this is over.
- How many times will I let you break my heart? -Oh - (Crying): I just - No, come on.
Don't cry, please? Listen.
You're my best friend, Rita.
And I-I love you.
I always will.
I want you to have this, to remember me.
Yeah, okay.
That sounds good.
I'll miss you, Helen.
I'll miss you, too.
RICHARD: Please, Jimmy.
Let me explain.
No, you know what? She doesn't even like you, Richard.
All right? She's just trying to get off on some class dynamic power play.
Yeah, he knows that.
TIPPY: Richard! Where are your clothes? - (Tires screech) - Grandma.
What the hell is going on here? Okay, you know what? W-we can explain.
It was Mickey's fault.
Where is she? (Both moaning) What the hell? Unhand that woman! Oh! ooh No.
uh Nah, that's not, it's not what it It's not what it looks like.
It looks like you are raping my 100-year-old mother-in-law.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
that was, uh I was comforting her.
It was a good-bye kiss.
You know? She-she gave me a necklace.
I-I was doing the right thing.
The woman has dementia.
Mickey, what's wrong with you? - Uh - Jimmy: Oh, this is great.
You're having sex with this old bird.
You're banging the Butler.
Ew, gross.
I'm not banging him.
- What are you doing? -You know, just slapping him around and burning him up a little bit.
RITA: Good for you, dear.
I'm a lesbian.
Rita, you're smoking? I'm living my life.
That's it.
I'm calling the police.
- What? - This is elder abuse.
No, no.
No, that's not necessary.
No, no.
After the hellish weekend I just had with the colonel, I come home to a damn Roman orgy? Well, I see that you're upset, but if you just ask Rita, you'll understand; She just had the best weekend of her life.
I mean, look how happy she is! (Screaming, gasping) (Explosion in distance) I think we're going the wrong way.
Thank you, Benito.
You've been a lot of help today.
(Police chatter) Sabrina, can I call you sometime? Ooh, uh Yeah, I don't think so.
You know, the job was kind of the whole thing for me, so now that you don't work here anymore, it's JIMMY: Yeah, and you can't have mine, either.
'Cause you had your chance, and you missed it.
So Well, it all happened very fast, you know? - I bet she didn't feel a thing.
- CHIP: Yeah.
Maybe she'll think twice about trying to kill me next time.
Chip, she's our great-grandmother.
And she's dead.
Chippy don't play.
Uh, what do you think this means for us? Well, it's Tippy's house now.
I doubt she's gonna be as accommodating.
Let's go pack our stuff.
Uh, Mickey? Seems you have a telegram.
"If you can't stop the infection from spreading, "best to let the body die.
"I've had enough of this rotten family, and the colonel's incessant badgering.
" "I hope you'll all be very happy together.
"I'm off to live my life.
" What does that mean? I think it means we get the house.
And the colonel.
That old ghosted us.
ALBA: Mickey! Mickey Oh! Where have you two been? I don't wanna talk about it.
I don't want to be here anymore.
Can just somebody take me home, please? Yeah, well The thing is I think we are home.
You guys wanna go to a maze?
Previous EpisodeNext Episode