The Mick (2017) s02e15 Episode Script

The Juice

: Knicks inbound.
Porzingis drives.
And one! - Tie game! And the Knicks - Boom! Yeah, baby! That's how we do! ANNOUNCER: on the clock and a chance Porzingis for life, son.
I swear to God I'd take a bullet for that dude.
All right, fellas, time's up.
Why don't you run upstairs and fight over - the last dollop of pomade.
- No, no, no, no, no.
This is more important than anything you've ever done - in your entire life.
- Yeah, please, just, like, one more minute? We've got a lot riding on the line.
Oh, yeah? What's the action? I want in.
Double or nothing my man Porzin-god - just finishes it right now.
- No way.
It's going to OT, dude.
- How much time's left? - Four seconds.
Ah, nah, you're both wrong.
Cavs put it away right here.
- Doubt.
- You're on.
ANNOUNCER: Porzingis shoots.
Off the rim.
Rebound by Love.
He throws it downcourt to a wide-open J.
And Smith jams it home! Cavs win! Damn it, Porzingis! Go back to Latvia, - you Latvian freak! - Told ya.
That was amazing.
How-how'd you do that? Common sense.
You got Porzingis on the line, so there goes your best rebounder.
You know the Knicks are gonna double up LeBron, so that leaves somebody wide-open.
So, how'd you know he'd miss it in the first place? Uh, 'cause he's white, and he's on the Knicks, and they suck.
Anyway, pay up.
What'd I win? You don't have to sniff Dylan's dog's butt.
What? You guys are betting butt sniffs? You should see Humphrey.
He's covered in tumors.
I don't care if he's all tumor.
There's no juice in that bet.
Juice? What's juice? The juice! Come on, guys.
The-the juice is what you're supposed to feel when you gamble, you know? It's this amazing combination of excitement and terror when you've put everything on the line, and you have zero - control over what happens.
- That sounds intense.
- How do we get the juice? - Well, you're not gonna find it in some cancerous dog's festering butt, I'll tell you that much.
Hey, have you guys seen my box? Whoa.
Who's that? Oh, hi.
I'm Alexis.
She's my girlfriend.
Who are you? Ah.
So, you're lez now? Oh, my God, Mickey.
That is wildly offensive.
What are you talking about? It-it's just short for lesbian.
I know what it's short for, okay? I'm not a lesbian.
Of course.
How stupid of me.
Uh, what are you? I'm not anything.
Just stop trying to label me, you ancient bag of sand.
- Come on, Alexis.
- Oh, it was nice meeting you guys.
Here we go, Colonel.
It's a beautiful day to have lunch outside.
Let's see.
Bon appétit.
Now for the old switcheroo, right? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, big stuff.
Aah! Whoa! Damn you, old man! It got in my mouth! Whoa! [SPITS.]
Greatest generation, my ass.
The man contributes nothing.
Uh Uh Colonel, how-how did you get in here? Um Wait.
Hey, hey, Sabrina, did-did you move The Colonel? Ew.
Come on, who cares about practice? You're already the best player on the team.
Coach is gonna kill me if I'm late to another workout.
So what? Tell him that I'll give you a workout.
I promise mine will be more fun.
I wish.
I'll see you tonight.
- JIMMY: Not cool, Sabrina.
Not cool at all.
What the hell? How long have you been perched up there like some perverted gargoyle? [LAUGHS.]
Sabrina, you're like my daughter.
I could watch you have sex, and I wouldn't feel a thing.
Is that how you envision a normal - father-daughter relationship? - No.
That's not how I envision a normal fa Listen, as a former athlete myself, I can assure you that missing a practice is not in Alexis's best interest.
- She any good? - She's Alexis Dara.
Captain of the Junior National Soccer Team.
The Times did a whole write-up on her - in the sports section last weekend.
- There it is.
- What? - You're in it for the celebrity.
- You don't know what you're talking about.
- Yeah? Well, what I do know is that you have nothing to offer her, - and she has everything to lose.
- Whatever, dude, all right? Just, as a rule, don't watch me.
There you are.
- What are you doing? - Oh, nothing.
It just occurred to me a lot of these old houses have, like, um, hidden safes and secret passages and stuff, so I was just, you know That's idiotic.
Don't you have a dog butt to sniff or something? We need you to teach us how to gamble, the real stuff.
- We want the juice.
No, you don't.
You might think you do, but you don't.
- Okay, come on.
Why not? - Look, Chip, I have done a lot of low-down things in my life, but I'm gonna go ahead and draw the line at teaching children - how to gamble.
- We'll cut you in on the winnings.
As your gambling teacher, I'm gonna need you to do everything I say.
- This website seems kind of janky.
- Yeah.
- What language is this in? - [MUMBLES.]
: I don't know.
Russian or something.
Got to go overseas with this kind of stuff, so they don't tax you up the ass.
- All right, who's feeling lucky? - Right here.
I bet Tom Brady hucks up a 60-yard touchdown first play of the game.
That's not a bet.
That's the wishful thinking of a stupid boy.
First rule of gambling: you bet with your head, not your heart.
And my head likes the Bills.
You think the frickin' Bills are gonna beat Tom frickin' Brady? I ought to slap you in the face.
They don't have to beat them.
They just have to lose by less than 17.
- That's the spread.
- But the Bills suck.
Yeah, yeah, I know that.
You know who else knows it? Your boy Tom Brady, so he's probably spending his bye week curled up by the fire in his little slipper booties, eating way too many carbs, but the Bills They're gonna come correct.
Kind of sounds like she knows what she's talking about.
Yeah, I do know what I'm talking about.
- Somebody give me a credit card.
- No way.
I'm not betting against the GOAT.
- Coward.
Dylan? - Why can't we use yours? - 'Cause I don't have one.
- Okay, well, I only have my dad's.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Did I misunderstand, or did you want the juice? Juice or no juice? - Okay.
All right.
Okay, fine.
- Great.
But you know what? I'm typing it in.
You type it in.
If I wanted your dad's money, there are other ways of getting it.
Okay, how much should I bet? I don't know.
You feeling bold? Throw a hunny on it.
- You're positive? - No, I'm not positive.
That's what gambling is.
Just frickin' do it! Okay, I'm thirsty.
I want the juice.
- Okay, okay, okay, fine.
It's it's in.
Now what? All right.
Now we leave it up to the gods.
I feel kind of nervous, like there's butterflies - in my stomach or something.
- Yeah.
That feels good, right? I feel frickin' great.
I can't wait for TB to curb-stomp these fools by less than 17 points.
What are you doing here? I came to watch you practice.
Can't tell if you're amazing or if all these other chicks just suck.
Dara! Get your ass back in the net! Got to run.
Ooh, whew.
Coach is right.
You win the game in practice.
What the hell are you doing here? - Oh, did a little research on your girl.
- Gross.
No, not that.
Oh, listen to me.
Looked up her stats.
It turns out these girls are favored to win the gold.
You're making her choose between her love for you and her love for the game.
That's not fair.
Jimmy, this has nothing to do with you.
This has everything to do with me.
- I was that girl.
- Stop talking.
I know the dedication it takes - to thrive as a student athlete.
- Oh, my God.
That was 20 years ago! Are you kidding, Dara? - Don't think I won't bench your ass! - [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
- He'll do it.
- All right.
COACH: Oh, God, Melissa, come on! Let's go, girls! Knees up! Knees up! [SIGHS.]
Wha? What? Uh Colonel, [STAMMERS.]
how the hell did you get up here? Ooh, uh, wha? Okay.
Well, I must be going.
You listen to me, you son of a bitch.
I am the only person that cares if you live or die in this house.
So if you can move, you better come clean right now.
Very convincing.
: Patriots beat the Bills, 55 to 17.
- I think I'm gonna throw up.
- Yeah.
That's just the juice sloshing around.
It'll settle.
I told you not to bet against Brady.
Dude snaked Gisele from frickin' Leo.
My dad is gonna kill me.
Relax, it's 100 bucks.
We back in black by dinner.
W-What? The bet.
I bet $100,000.
Why?! Why would you do that?! - Because you told me to.
- I did not! I said 100.
I very clearly said 100.
- Who bets $100,000? - Who bets $100? I wouldn't blow my nose with $100.
We're looking for juice.
Well, you got the juice now, don't you, buddy? Oh, my $100,000? Against the Buffalo Bills? With the Russians? - You stupid, stupid boy.
- Okay, okay.
- What are we gonna do? - All right, shut up.
That's what you do.
You just shut up and let me think for a second, okay? Sorry, pal.
This is a big mess, and I can't be involved in it.
Good luck.
You can't just leave him out there.
Uh, yeah, I can.
I just did.
Listen to me.
We don't want to be anywhere near that kid when the Russians come calling.
They are gonna cut him to pieces.
- DYLAN: Oh, my God! - I'm s-sorry, buddy.
I didn't realize you were still hanging around.
DYLAN: Listen, if you don't help me, then I'm gonna tell my dad - this was all your idea.
- Okay, yeah.
- Like he's gonna believe some kid.
- No, he's right.
You were the one that made us thirsty for juice.
You're the one who made the account.
You're the one that underestimated the Golden Boy.
All right, fine.
- Get in here.
It's fine! - Thank you.
Been in-in deeper holes than this.
We just, we just got to pull ourselves out.
We just need a plan B.
What do you got? JIMMY: Numbers don't lie, Sabrina.
All right? Ever since you two have been hooking up, her save percentage has plummeted.
Stop following me! Ah, then do the right thing! U-S-A! - What the hell is your deal? - U Your sister is committing high treason.
Her girlfriend has the biggest game of her life this weekend, and she's gonna get mopped up because Sabrina is putting her own interests above our nation's.
H-Hold on a second.
What game are you talking about? USA versus Canada, Mick.
I mean, these girls have worked so hard.
And now they're gonna be sucking silver for the next four years.
Oh, yeah? Are-are you sure about that? Is that, like, a sure thing? Yeah, it's a lock.
I gotta hand it to you Mick.
You got balls.
You disappear for months, and then you call one day out of the blue, and you want to bet 100 Gs on amateur women's soccer.
Very popular sport.
They're calling it the football of Europe.
You owe me three grand, Mick.
Let's make it an even 103.
I don't know how you fellas got mixed up with her, but my advice to you? Get out before it's too late.
All right.
You're a loan shark.
Get off your high horse.
Tell you what, Mick, I'll take your bet.
But now I've-I've seen where you live.
So if you decide to run, I'm gonna burn this house to the ground.
With these two guys in it.
- Oh.
- All right, relax.
It's an expression.
I meant every word of it.
Do we have a deal? - [HAND CRACKS.]
- [GASPS.]
- Oh.
- Oh, my.
Pay your debts, Mick.
Let's leave town.
No, no, no, no.
No one's going anywhere.
Well, uh, the juice has gone bad.
Dylan's pooping blood.
Hey, I told you not to tell anyone that.
You might want to tell somebody because that sounds like an ulcer.
But don't worry, you guys.
This is good.
This is all part of the ride.
It's all part of the journey, you know? - I got to go to the bathroom.
- Mm.
I'm gonna get some ice.
Where's Alexis? She dumped me.
The bitch dumped me.
What? No, no, no.
- Why? - I have no idea.
She just called me out of the blue and gave me some crap about needing to commit to soccer.
- No.
- JIMMY: Yeah.
Looks like somebody finally talked some sense into her.
- You did this? - Yeah, you're damn right.
Somebody's got to look out for that girl.
Oh, Jimmy, what have you done? I broke it down for her, athlete to athlete.
I told her she's very talented, I told her this is a great opportunity for her.
And that Sabrina sees her as a trophy and she deserves better.
- I can't listen to this anymore.
- Okay, and no.
- Their entire life is about - Shut up, Jimmy! I'm not gonna let her throw it all away on some spoiled locker-room lizard! I hope you're happy.
I'm very happy.
Can I come in? - No.
- Listen.
I think you got to call Alexis.
- Get the hell out of my room.
- She needs to hear your side.
- Why do you care? - I-I don't.
I don't care.
But if you love something, you need to fight for it.
Who said anything about love? Well, she loves you.
- That's for sure.
- She dumped me.
Because she was scared.
Come on.
Think this through.
You know, she spends her whole day rolling around in the dirt with a bunch of meatheads, and along comes this beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent young woman.
Right? That's, that's pretty intimidating, isn't it? - Isn't it? - Yeah.
So it's just, it's her natural defense mechanism kicking in.
She panicked.
- I mean, yeah, maybe you're right, but - Yup.
If she loves me so much, she can call me.
She's testing you.
She wants to see if you're the real deal.
Uh, I mean, it's pretty clear she's begging to be wooed.
All right, yeah, I'll talk to her after her game tomorrow.
No! No.
It's got to be tonight.
It really should be tonight.
She's got some stupid team dinner tonight.
Okay! Okay.
Hey, what says romance more than dinner? You know what I mean? You get down to that romantic dinner, and you take it over.
You make it about you two.
Yes is the answer! Yeah! What are you waiting for? Come on! - Love can't wait.
You get that girl.
- I don't [SIGHS.]
Wha Hey, what are you [GASPS.]
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Okay, that is it! Once? Sure.
: Yeah, it is possible.
I have seen some crazy things.
But three times? No.
Not three times.
You have been caught with your hand in the cookie jar, my friend.
I Oh Okay.
The rules, they are simple.
If you want me to stop, all you have to do is scream.
: Oh! Okay, Mr.
Tough Guy Military Man.
They have trained you well.
Let's find out how well.
- Jimmy.
- Jimmy, you got to help me.
- I'm stuck in a bathroom.
Oh, uh, well, if it's a female hygiene thing, I should probably elevate this to your aunt.
No! No, Mickey told me to crash Alexis's team dinner, and now these thunder-thighed bitches - are trying to kill me! - What? Sabrina, why would you Jimmy, just get your ass down here! Fine! All right, stay put.
I'm gonna come down there and talk some sense into 'em, athlete to athlete.
It is very important that these girls stay focused, so any buzzwor - Jimmy! - Yeah, 10-4.
What's going on? Where you going? Well, thanks to you, Sabrina's about to get her ass smashed by 20 of the most elite female athletes in the world.
All right, I'll go with you.
Let's go.
You've done enough.
This is ridiculous, okay? I-I just came here to talk to Alexis.
- That's all.
Sabrina, go home.
Walk away, bitch.
Go back to Greenwich, Yoko.
All right, you know what, I'm not the reason you guys - have been sucking lately.
That's on you! - [ALL SHOUTING.]
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! She did not mean that, okay? You guys got a big game tomorrow.
So-so, you-you go back inside, you carb up, and you get some sleep.
Eight hours, all right? We're gonna take off, all right? Excuse us.
All right, we'll go this way [GROANS.]
- All right, who did that, huh? - [SPITS.]
Oh, my God.
Darlene, that's disgusting.
- How do you know my name? - Because I did some research on all you guy oh.
All right, you know what? Natalie, that's good physicality.
Guys, let's save it for tomorrow.
- This can't Oh! All right.
Guys Oh! All right.
Guys, we're all athletes here.
There's no Oh! Oh, please stop.
Oh! You know what, that really hurt.
Oh! - Get out of here! - Whoa, whoa! - I am sorry.
- Jimmy, what the hell, man?! - That's a reflex! - [ALL SHOUTING.]
- Come on! Let's go! Come on! Oh, I'm so sorry! [SHOUTING.]
JIMMY: I don't want to do this.
Oh, Officer, Officer, these girls got a big game tomorrow.
I'm not pressing charges.
Get off me, bitch! Hey, Vicky, don't resist, okay? You can still post bail by game time.
Hey, Alexis? Can I talk to you for a second? What do you want, Sabrina? Uh, I just want to clear the air, you know? I-I don't know what my aunt's boyfriend told you, but it's not true.
- Sabrina - Let me just get this out, okay? I-I get that I'm different from the girls you used to hang out with, you know? I'm-I'm cultured and sophisticated and petite.
And I realize that that can be intimidating.
But here's the thing: you don't need to be scared, okay? Because, well [CHUCKLES.]
I love you, too.
Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.
It wasn't your weird uncle's phone call.
You're shallow.
And mean.
And you think that you're better than everyone, but you're not.
I mean, you're hot.
- But your insides are gross.
Your life is a collection of things that you think make you seem interesting.
Like me.
I'm breaking up with you.
You can't do this.
They've worked so hard.
Then they shouldn't have put a guy in the hospital.
What the hell happened here? Some maniac started a fight with my girls.
So, what does that mean for the game tomorrow? There is no game! Half my team is in jail! - So you lost? - Boom, bitch! - We won! We won! - [LAUGHING.]
Yeah! The juice is loose! [LAUGHS.]
You certainly know how to keep things exciting, Mick.
Where the hell'd you come from? Well, I saw you jump in a car and peel out.
Raised a couple red flags.
All right, well, I'm glad it did, 'cause it looks like you owe me some money.
Well, I suppose even a blind squirrel - scores a nut from time to time.
- Yeah.
That's right.
It does.
Minus the three you owe me.
- Yeah.
- I'm sure I'll be seeing you soon enough.
Yeah, I bet you will.
'Cause Mama's got a real hot hand.
Mmm Okay.
Here you go.
That's What do I do with all this? I-I paid with my dad's credit card.
That's not my problem, okay? Stick it in his coat pocket.
O-Or, guys, hold on, hear me out.
What do you guys know about the Montreal Alouettes? I know you can move, Colonel.
And I know you know I know you can move.
You are making me look like an idiot, and I do not appreciate it.
Come on, man! Do the right thing.
Very well.
We do it my way.
Ugh, I don't know, Colonel.
I don't know what troubles me more: that I have to do this or that I'm going to enjoy it.
Hi, Alba.
I would like to take this opportunity to apologize.
MICKEY: Well, you got the juice now!
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