The Middle s01e18 Episode Script

The Fun House

FRANKIE: There are lots of famous houses known for the fun times going on inside: the Playboy Mansion, Animal House, wherever George Clooney is living.
In Orson, that house is the Donahues'.
- Hey, where you been? - Donahues'.
You're sure over there a lot.
Yeah, they got a flat-screen TV.
Ours is all thick and stupid.
Yeah, well, ours is all paid for.
I have to do a report for school where I interview my family.
Okay, shoot.
BRICK: When you were young, what did you wanna be? What were your hopes and dreams and how did you see it benefiting mankind? And how close would you say you've come to achieving those goals? Um, okay, well, hmm When I was little, oh, I wanted to be a Golddigger.
- You wanted to work in a mine? - Oh, no.
Dean Martin had this cool show and he had these dancers who wore go-go boots and they were called Golddiggers because well, their values weren't very good.
Hi, Mr.
Hi, Mrs.
OMG, it's so good to see you.
- Hi, Brad.
- Brad.
FRANKIE: Brad was Sue's ex-boyfriend.
She broke up with him after she discovered him smoking.
There might be one other thing they've had left to discover but we weren't about to tell them.
- Mr.
Heck, I love your haircut.
You have to give me the name of your stylist.
Uh, I go to this guy Al, and I think if I called him a stylist, he'd punch me.
Well, kudos to Al.
And kudos to you for rocking it.
Ha, ha.
Brad, why don't you go look for the CD in my room? I'll be in in a sec.
It's Brad.
- Yes, it is.
So are you two? - Oh, no, no.
We're just friends now.
And don't worry, his parents sent him to a special religious camp where they cured him of his [WHISPERS.]
No more urges, ha, ha.
Mom? Did you wanna be anything that wasn't on TV? Oh.
When I was in college I thought a career in banking or finance.
I used to be good at math.
But here I am just selling cars.
Ask your dad some questions, he's getting bored.
No, I'm okay.
FRANKIE: But you just got home.
Hey, you and your friends can hang out here sometimes.
We have some fun stuff.
We've got most of a Jenga set.
I'll be back tomorrow.
Maybe Tuesday.
He's always at the Donahues'.
I never see him anymore.
I miss him.
That's why you're the mom.
I don't.
Yeah, but, Mike, think about it.
He's 16.
He's only gonna be living here for a few more years.
Don't worry, honey.
When the outside world gets a load of him, they'll send him right back.
Axl's right.
This house is lame.
If we had a cooler house, he and his friends would hang out here more.
That's not a bad thing.
We could keep our eye on him.
Didn't you get in trouble with friends when you were his age? Yeah.
We got these fake IDs and took these girls in my friend's dad's car Hey, Dad, could you talk slower? FRANKIE: At the moment, about the only place lamer than our house was work.
We hadn't seen a customer all day.
Hey, somebody sell me a freaking car.
Thank God.
Hi, I'm Frankie.
How can I help you today? Well, Frankie, my name is Abby.
This is your lucky day.
I'm ready to buy a car.
Sell me a car.
Wow, well, I'd love to.
Any particular car you were interested in? Yeah.
How about a red car? Okay, well, I was thinking make or model, but we can start with color.
- Oh.
Did you have a few drinks this morning? I haven't had one single drink today.
Oh, my God, you got pretty eyes.
My grandmother says they're my best feature.
Are you sure that now is best to be shopping for a car? You're right.
I should test-drive it first.
Give me the keys.
Given her five cups of coffee, she just seems drunker.
How horrible a person am I to sell a drunk woman a car? Do it, you gutless wonder.
I'd have sold her matching RVs by now.
She's totally into my eyes.
You think I should make my move while she's still hammered? [FRANKIE SCOFFS.]
Ah, is that the paperwork? Give me, give me.
Sorry, Abby.
I can't let you buy this car.
Not when you're not fully aware of what you're doing.
You should have sold me the car.
You should have made the deal.
What? Yep, you screwed the pooch on that one, Frances.
Drunk customer: the easiest sale in the book.
Meet Abby Michaels, a motivational consultant I hired to whip you losers into shape.
You got your work cut out for you, Abby.
I'm gonna turn off the security cameras, and you do what you gotta do.
Oh, good, you've got your hammer out.
Do me a favor, smack me in the head with it.
I'm getting a beer.
I'm guessing you would like one too.
Ehlert has hired this whackadoodle motivational consultant who has decided to zero in on me and my terrible sales record.
Or maybe it's because I'm a woman.
I've got something that might make you feel better.
It's in the basement.
That was fun once, but that old mattress is so icky.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
Come on.
I wanna show you something in the basement.
- A pool table? - Yep.
And I got that weird smell out of the mini fridge too.
I can't believe how awesome you guys are.
Well, it's the shock in your voice that makes it all worthwhile.
- You are awesome, honey.
- I'm not gonna argue with you.
- Can we afford this? - Can we afford free? [FRANKIE GASPS.]
- Cheaters went out of business.
- Oh.
You know the economy's bad when the bars go under.
Is it okay if I bring my friends over? We were thinking this was more of a family thing, but I guess if you wanna make it kind of a home base I don't see why not.
Who's got the cool house now? Brick, are you licking the chalk? I'll never eat white chalk again.
FRANKIE: While the family was having fun playing pool at what is now sure to be the fun house I was doing my damnedest to get out from behind the eight ball at work.
Which wasn't easy since Abby seemed to be focusing on me.
- I see you've been eyeing this little - Freeze.
Bear with us.
She's in training.
Go again.
Try using our customer's appearance to get to his hot-button issues.
Hot-button issues? Issues you can connect on to gain their trust and ultimately exploit to make the sale.
For example, if you walked into my dealership and I looked at your appearance, I would think tired obviously doesn't care about appearance, must have kids: Boom.
- It's such a smooth ride.
- Boring.
Bear with us, Rhonda.
Your patter's like a sleeping pill with a shot of Scotch.
Am I right, Rhonda? No need to spare her feelings.
It's for her own good.
And the gear shift is Freeze.
Bear with me.
The feel of the wheel seals the deal.
Say it.
- The feel of the wheel - Seals.
- Seals the deal.
- The deal.
Feel of the wheel seals the deal.
The feel of the wheel seals the deal.
Resume selling.
Bear with me.
Outstanding job on the pool table.
On behalf of the neighborhood, thank you.
You're welcome.
Glad you're having fun.
We're out of bean dip.
One step ahead of you.
Made a snack run yesterday.
Excellent foresight and planning, Mr.
Your dad set you up with bean dip over at your house? No, sir, he does not.
Axl, your dad rules.
Yes, I do.
Saw Nancy Donahue on her porch, looking over at our house.
- Think she's jealous.
- She should be.
It's pretty fun over here.
- Oh, hey, Carly.
- I came over to check out the pool table.
Mike, you're lucky.
I'm at work with a lunatic, and you're the cool dad.
I wanted to be the cool parent.
Well, if you want, I can let you take down the pizza rolls.
Ah! Could I? Yes, but you have to let them know that I'm the one who cooked them.
ABBY: Frankie.
Have a seat.
I'm only late because some kids spent the night.
Put your feet up.
Uh Okay.
You might think a woman like me doesn't understand a woman like you.
I mean, sure, my life is glamorous.
One town after the next.
Des Moines, Dayton.
An expense account at Cracker Barrel.
Free USA Todays with my continental breakfast.
I mean, really, the list goes on.
It took a lot of hard work.
- You know what I'm saying? FRANKIE: Nope.
I sure do.
Then get your feet off that desk and move some metal.
Ehlert wants me to get rid of one salesperson before the end of the week.
It'd be a shame if it's you.
Bob, she's firing someone.
Abby told me that Ehlert told her to fire someone.
- What? - Yeah.
It's gotta be one of us.
- Pete's the top seller.
- Can't be me, I'm sleeping with her.
What? Or it could be me because I'm not all that good.
FRANKIE: With me trapped at work with Looney Tunes Mike was beginning to think the fun house wasn't all that fun.
Heck, please, let us help you with that.
Thanks, guys.
BOYS: Ha-ha-ha.
- Hey, there's raw chicken in there.
Never mind.
Question 17.
Now that you're the mom of the house, I Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm not the mom of anything.
You got chalk on your face.
Come here.
Go to your room.
Hey, Brad.
How's it going? Good.
I think Sue and Carly are downstairs.
Oh, yeah, I know.
Heck, can I ask you a question? You know, man to man.
Well, Mr.
Heck I guess I'm confused about certain feelings I've been having.
Brad, I'm not sure I'm the person you wanna talk to about this.
- You see - There's your parents, your minister Lots of people, really.
BRAD: See, when Sue and I were dating, it was really fun, you know.
But we both sensed something was missing.
- Well, mostly I did, I guess.
- Mm-hm.
And now, I've been having these new feelings.
Very intense feelings.
But I'm afraid if I act on them it might be surprising and might hurt people I care about.
I don't know if it will be as surprising as you think it will.
People kind of sense things about people.
In my experience.
Good talk.
I'm just so conflicted.
It's like I don't know which end is up.
What do I do? I think you follow your gut.
If you make a decision by following your gut, it can't be bad, right? Can we be done? Frankie.
Abby's been looking for you.
She's in the service center.
Since someone's getting fired I'll just take this opportunity to say I think it's you.
You're always running from conflict, aren't you, Frankie? That's your style, avoid and retreat.
Oh, that's not true.
I run toward conflict usually.
Right smack into it.
Attack and collide, that's my style, actually.
Glad to hear it.
Then you won't have a problem deciding who gets the boot.
- What? - Show me what you're made of, Frankie.
I'll fire whoever you tell me to.
You got 24 hours to give me a name.
I'm off in the morning.
There's a struggling video store in Topeka that needs my help.
MIKE: Thank you.
Yeah, they're easier to pick up when they're in little pieces.
Why did you tell Brad to go out with Carly? - What? - He said you told him to follow his gut and now he asked her out on a date to the Pie House.
In their own booth.
His parents are gonna walk the mall until they're done.
Carly? That is not what I thought we were talking about.
Well, what did you think you were talking about? BOY: I'll get you back.
- Uh Hey.
Mom's home.
Dad told Brad to date Carly instead of me.
And I'll let him tell you about the Pie House.
Why would you do that? You know she likes him.
Do I? I don't know anything.
I got kids running around all over the place, you're not here.
Seriously? Carly.
I would love to be here.
I'm at work dealing with this nut bag.
Now she wants me to pick somebody to fire.
Well, then fire Pete and get back here and help me clean these chips off the floor.
FRANKIE: It wasn't that easy.
I was faced with an impossible choice and the clock was ticking.
It was like my own reality show.
Not the one where people eat live spiders or something.
That would actually be more fun than this.
In any case, I did have my final answer.
Fire me.
MIKE: Oh, no.
Hey, Brad.
Listen, yesterday, when we had our talk I might have given you wrong advice.
You told me to follow my gut.
How could that be wrong? Ah, it was so freeing.
Well, I don't think I really knew what we were talking about.
What did you think we were talking about? Yeah.
That's not important.
The thing is, Sue's crushed, so, what I meant to say was if you're choosing between two girls, pick Sue.
Everyone else has been at the dealership longer than me.
I have the worst record.
So fire me.
What does this say, Frankie? - "Fire me.
" - That's right.
I wrote down what I knew you would say.
That's why I made up this charade of someone being fired.
To show you how you don't value yourself.
Wait a minute.
Ehlert's not firing anybody? You made it up? I didn't sleep at all last night.
I have been in agony.
You are crackers, lady.
Or am I? If I hadn't brought you to this point, would you hear what I'm about to say? I don't know.
- Maybe.
- I know you.
See, you've got this tape playing in your head: "I'm just a person who didn't finish college.
I'm just a mom.
" Let go of the "justs," Frankie.
Just let them go.
Empower yourself to be who you wanna be and love that person.
Because now you're living paycheck to paycheck and the sad thing is you're working really hard.
I am.
I'm working really hard.
I know.
You have a choice.
You can say, "I get up every morning, I deal with a mean boss the economy sucks, and no one's buying cars.
" Or you can say, "I get up every morning, I deal with a mean boss the economy sucks, and no one's buying cars.
That's what gets me up in the morning because I am Frankie Heck and I can do it all.
I get my family dressed and fed send my kid off with his science-fair volcano and I find the missing car keys, then I get the stain out of the jersey.
I walk in the door of the dealership: Pow.
Bring it on.
I can sell 10 cars today.
I'm not scared.
I'm a mom.
I can do anything.
" I can.
I can do anything.
She's good.
She's like the woman whisperer.
I've seen this.
The chick's a dude.
Really? - Who are you? - Logan.
How do you know Axl? Who's Axl? BRAD: Sue, do you think we could talk? I feel bad about how things turned out with you and me and Carly.
SUE: Me too.
BRAD: I wanna make sure we're still friends.
SUE: Yeah, we're friends.
BRAD: Because I talked to your dad Oh, no.
BRAD: and he said you were crushed.
Dad? You told Brad I was crushed? I was just trying to help.
Hey, Dad, my interview report is due tomorrow and you still haven't checked it.
Checked it.
- I'm sure it's fine.
Why were you even talking to my ex-boyfriend? You didn't even look at it.
He didn't give me a choice.
Mom always checks.
- Mom's not here.
Why can't you just leave us all alone? You got it.
- What are you doing? - I ordered a pizza.
Get in and shut the door before the kids smell food.
Okay, so guess what.
I'm not fired.
And not only that, but Abby thinks I have potential.
My problem is I have been undervaluing myself.
There's no reason I couldn't be selling All right, well Not maybe 10, but five at least.
It's about my attitude.
I just have to get up and say, "Yes.
I get to get up early and make everybody's lunches and look for the car keys, and bust my butt to get to work where nobody's buying cars" I'm not saying it as good as she does but There was something about Lego cleaning.
A "pow" in there so It seemed to make so much sense before now it just sounds like it's gonna take a lot of energy.
Maybe I should just try to get to work on time.
I just wanna get back to work.
I'm not cut out for this, Frankie.
Entertaining teenagers, getting sucked into their drama checking Brick's homework FRANKIE: Actually, Mike really should have checked Brick's homework.
"My mom wanted to be a gold digger.
My dad didn't think my brother was playing enough pool.
The end.
" I need them to reopen the quarry.
I need them to reopen it now.
I miss my trailer.
I miss my desk.
Around here, I don't get a minute of peace.
You could say it that way, Mike.
Or you could say, "I don't get a minute of peace.
" - Heh.
- Aw.
Come on inside.
Didn't you hear? We're the fun house.
This is my room now.
I've had enough of the fun house.
I tried to make you happy, but I'm done with that.
I'm sorry.
I thought it would be more fun.
Let's ship them all back to the Donahues'.
Good luck.
We're out of food and they still won't leave.
I say we flood the basement.
I have a better idea.
Heck? Can I talk to you? - Absolutely not.
BRAD: Oh, ha, ha.
I've decided to take a break from girls for a while.
Probably wise until you figure things out.
Good luck.
Party foul.
What are you doing down here? Oh, we just thought we'd check out the haps see what's going on down here.
GIRL: This sucks.
BOY 1: Let's go, man.
BOY 2: Let's get out of here.
GIRL 1: Yeah.
GIRL 2: Let's go back to the Donahues'.
: And do the next thing that you feel We were so in phase I'm glad we cleared the place out, but the speed was disheartening.
I know.
I didn't even get to do my moonwalk.
FRANKIE: So after that, we went back to being the house across the street from the fun house.
We still got to see Axl a couple times a week and that was plenty.
And we still managed to get a lot of use out of that pool table.
: Dance hall days
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