The Middle s05e11 Episode Script

The one thing all parents look forward to is their kids coming home from college for winter break.
Until they've been there a couple weeks.
Axl.
How many times have I told you stop leaving your stuff everywhere.
Seriously, this house is so much cleaner when you're not here.
Fine! Why are you always thinking things are gonna get better, huh? Just give up, mom.
This is your life.
Because of that comment, you're also gonna go clean up your room.
I want you to get rid of whatever you don't need anymore.
You have junk in there that you haven't used since you were 5.
Oh, my God.
I go to college, and you want to erase any trace of me, like I never even existed.
Now you're getting it.
Mm.
How are those "Found Dog" fliers coming? - Oh, you know, I haven't heard anything.
- Hmm.
'Cause you haven't done anything yet.
Saw a big stack of them just sitting in your trunk.
You know, you're the only one that has a problem with Colin Firth anymore.
It's not his fault.
He just barks at you 'cause he's scared of your face.
You have a hostile resting face.
A what? A hostile resting face-- HRF, Mike.
It's a thing.
See? Right there.
You always look like you're just a little pissed off.
Good.
That's what I'm going for.
Hey, buddy! How would you like to play this new game I invented? I call it "Extreme Room Makeover, Brick Edition.
" - Ahh! - If it's anything like your other games, Hamper Hostage, Drier Ride, and Toilet Explorer, I think I'll pass.
Besides, I've got a new book I'm very excited about and wish not to be disturbed.
"Unsinkable" by Debbie Reynolds? It's on the branch librarian's list of winter must-reads.
She was dead-on about Nora Ephron's "I Feel Bad About My Neck," and this is supposed to be just as good.
Mm, okay.
Here's the thing, Brick.
It's not exactly a choice.
Now, you can help me, or your book can be the next contestant on Toilet Explorer, and I'm guessing it's really not that unsinkable.
Frankie! You leaving? Oh, hey.
Yeah, just thinking about packing up.
I can't believe it's the end of the day already.
Time just flew, huh? So, I'll see you tomorrow.
Ah, okay.
Well, just always seems like you're running out the door, so No, you know what? I'm not actually running.
I'm just low to the ground, so it seems like I'm moving faster than I really am.
Well, you're not running anywhere tonight except to grab a burger with me.
Oh, you don't have to do that.
Nonsense.
You had me over for Thanksgiving, and I haven't even taken you out for a single meal.
Okay, then.
G-great.
Yes, it would be much more fun going to dinner with my boss instead of just going home and watching The Bachelor.
Super! Keep.
- Keep.
- Keep? Whatever.
Just keep.
I don't care.
Just keep it.
Hey.
Have some respect.
That's only my city championship jersey from the most glorious moment of my life.
Duh, keep.
You know, Memory Lane Adventure actually sounded fun when you first came up with it, but now I'm starting to think this was just another scam to make us do your work for you.
I'll give you five more minutes and I'm done.
I need to find out how it all pans out between Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher, and also who Eddie Fisher is.
There's something big stuck back here.
Ew.
Wedged Oh right! That's hilarious.
- I totally forgot about that.
- Axl.
You stole my Thundering Hens mascot head? It was you? Pretty awesome prank, though, right? You totally thought it was Roosevelt High.
O-objectively speaking, you got to appreciate how genius it was.
Do you realize what you did to me? I suffered incredibly intense humiliation because of this.
Brad got into a very dangerous dance fight because of this.
I was a Chicken Bear instead of a Thundering Hen for a whole year because of this! Oops.
You are dead.
You are so, so dead! No! Ow! No! Oh! I didn't mean to be out so late.
Turns out Dr.
Goodwin has a long story about everything.
On the plus side, I brought you dinner.
Well, that's something.
All I could find in the fridge is an old jar of salsa and Axl's pants.
- Bleu cheese! - Dr.
Goodwin likes it.
And, hey, if you don't want it there's a dog here that would be more than happy to eat it.
Yeah, speaking of that, you can't go out carousing with your boss till 9:00 at night when you got a dog here that needs to be walked.
Look, Dr.
Goodwin's a billion times nicer than Mr.
Ehlert, but he could still fire me, Mike.
I'm really not that good at my job.
- Mm.
- It was a joke! God! Let it go! You're so lame you can't even take a joke? No, I am done, Axl! I am not gonna let you hurt me anymore! Ohh.
The point is, you could have walked the dog.
It's really not that hard.
Look, I'm not carrying a poop bag for a dog I never signed off on.
And I'm not buying your excuses about those fliers.
Aah! The tape won't stick in this weather? Really? Look, I understand that Colin Firth is causing some disruption in our house.
And I will entertain the idea of giving up this dog I love very much.
But I think you are a decent person.
And as a decent person, you would see that it wouldn't be fair to-- to make me do it unless you really tried, because you're so decent.
Because you have a lot of qualities, but decency is the one that really comes across.
Please, Mike? It would make up for the hostile resting face.
Thank you! You give it a shot with the dog for two weeks.
Really try, and if you guys don't bond, we'll seriously talk about finding him a different home.
Yeah, I'd love to say that a cutting board to the face was the end of Axl and Sue's epic fight.
But unfortunately, it was just the beginning.
No! This did not just happen! Oh, yeah, it did.
Uh, you brought this on yourself, Axl.
You not only hurt me, y-you hurt the lives of all the innocent fans - who root for the Thundering Hens.
- What? Besides, Axl, it's just a prank.
Where's your sense of humor? You'll find out when my butt's in your face! Oh, God.
Hey! Unlock the door right now! Still at it? - Yep.
- Huh.
So, hey.
I'm gonna assume you haven't researched how to get a dog to like you, but I have.
You can research how to get a dog to like you? Is that what the internet's for? Mm-hmm.
A lot of good tips here, Mike.
Oh, this is something that seems made for you and your face problem.
It says you should make sleepy eyes and then yawn so it makes the dog feel like you're not intimidating.
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
Next.
Okay.
Give it treats.
Keep little pieces of meat in your pocket.
Frankie, I ate salsa for dinner.
Any meat in my pocket's going in my mouth.
Okay, well, here's the list.
You may peruse it at your leisure.
I didn't put this much effort into raising our kids.
You're so dead! Clearly.
Dad, you are not gonna believe what Axl did to me.
Made you brush your teeth? This is so unfair.
He doesn't even have a reason to be mad.
I'm the one with the reason.
- He started this last year with-- - Sorry, Sue.
Can't hear any complaints that go back a year.
Oh, look.
The ugly bot has a new attachment-- toothbrush and tooth paste.
You! You are done! The days of me being your doormat are over! While Sue was standing up to Axl, I caved and said yes to shoe shopping with my boss.
Well, once we narrowed it down between dull black and shiny black, things really picked up.
Yeah.
Hey, Frankie.
You know what shoes and people have in common? You know, I love suspense, - so why don't you tell me tomorrow? - Tongues! Cat got your tongue? No, I do.
'Cause I'm checking you for oral cancer.
'Cause I'm a dentist.
Shoot, should have ended on cancer, right? 'Cause that's the joke.
What are you talking about? I'm giving stand-up comedy a whirl.
- You are? - Yep.
I'm gonna be performing down at The Giggle Gulch on Wednesday night, and I'd sure love to see your friendly face out there in the audience.
Uh, I can't think of a reason why not.
Just give me a second.
Oh, shoot! That's the back-to-school rally booster concert.
It's big.
It's so big.
Well, no problem.
They said I could also go up on Thursday.
Catch me now before I'm on "Jiminy Kimmel.
" I mean, who wouldn't want to give up a night at home to go see their boss try stand-up? Sue! Yeah, Mike's not the kind of guy who tries new things, but he is a man of his word.
So, going against his own judgment, he tried to befriend Colin Firth.
"Unfortunately, though, after the demise of yet another marriage, the Debbie Reynolds Hotel and Casino fell on hard times, and she was forced to declare bankruptcy in 1997.
" No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! Don't worry.
She got back on her feet.
_ Sue knew this had gone too far.
Someone had to take the high road, and she knew it would never be Axl.
What are you doing? Let's end this, Axl.
No more bubbles, no more superglue, no more embarrassing pictures.
All you have to do is apologize for taking my Hen head, which is what you should have done in the first place, and then we can forget all about this.
If not - the jersey gets it.
- Whoa, hey.
- Don't mess with that.
- Wow.
This city championship jersey was signed by your entire team, making this item irreplaceable.
Uh-oh! I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I took the Hen head.
I thought it would be funny.
Clearly, it wasn't.
I'm sorry.
See? Now, was that so hard? - Oh, no! Oh! Aah! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh! My-- Oh, Axl! I am so sorry! I didn't mean it.
I was just trying to scare you and threaten you.
This was just supposed to be an empty threat.
Axl, say something! You have to say something! I have no sister.
What? Of course you have a sister.
You have to have a sister! I am your sister! Eh.
I don't get you.
I mean, I-I'm sorry.
What is that? What-- what-- what are you barking at? Half a potato chip? The President's at the door? All the same level with you.
Yeah.
Okay.
Remember, if I'm not home by 10:00, call my cellphone and pretend something horrible happened.
You really doing this? Going to see your boss do comedy? What choice do I have? He signs my paychecks, and he seems to enjoy my company.
I'm not like you.
I don't scare people off with my stony disposition.
I'm warm.
I exude warmth.
You don't know what that's like.
It's a curse, really.
You know, you don't have to talk to people.
It's your choice.
Yep, another night out on the town with my boss.
Well, good thing there was a two-drink minimum.
'Cause I needed about three.
Well, good evening.
My name is Dr.
Ted Goodwin, and I'm a dentist here in Orson, and guess what.
Four out of five of us hate you, too.
Hey, did you know that mouth cancer causes 45,000 deaths per year? Can you believe that baloney? I need to read you something.
Oh, God, not the old-lady book again.
No, this is from a young lady who's in a lot of pain.
"My dearest brother.
I know you're going back to college tomorrow.
But before you go, I want you to know that I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, very, very, ver--" Basically, she's sorry.
- Yeah.
- "In exchange for your forgiveness, I will allow you and a chili dunk.
" She does stipulate that all this be done on a weekend - so she has time to recover.
- Mm.
Look, Axl, I really don't think you'll get better than this.
My advice would be to accept the offer.
No.
Come on, West, get in the game.
Can you believe this guy? Four turnovers in a half.
Get him out of there! That's a foul! Ref, call it! They never call a foul on Lebron.
Never.
All right, let's play some defense now.
Come on, defense.
Get in his face! Hands up! Here we go.
Well, thanks so much for making me come out tonight.
I really needed a good laugh.
This was a bad idea.
I mean, I just did it 'cause I've been feeling kind of lonely, and stand-up seems so popular.
But dentist? I mean, who wants to hang out with their dentist? Well, you've only been in town for a little bit.
It takes a while to make friends.
I've been here 20 years.
Yikes.
And I'm sorry, Frankie.
I know I've been taking up a lot of your time.
I guess ever since Toffee disappeared, I've just been looking for something to fill the void.
Who's Toffee? Oh, just my dog who went missing.
And I know, as a dentist, I'm not supposed to name my pet after a sugary treat, but aww, he's white with these adorable brown spots, and he's so sweet-- just like toffee.
Wow.
So, um, roughly how long ago did you lose him? Huh, let's see.
About two months ago.
You'd think if somebody found him, they'd do the humane thing and put up fliers, right? Well, you know, tape doesn't hold very well in this weather.
There you go, West.
See? Good things happen when you shoot the ball.
Who's got the best power forward in the league? We do.
Yes, we do.
Yes, we do.
I'm trying to watch the game.
You want to get your dog? Colin Firth.
Colin Firth? Toffee? Oh, crap.
Yeah, so, I have some bad news.
Well, good news for you, I guess.
This isn't our dog.
What are you talking about? It's Dr.
Goodwin's.
His dog ran away two months ago, and Colin Firth is the exact description of him.
So, we have to take him back to Dr.
Goodwin's 'cause he belongs to him.
You believe that baloney? Oh.
Well good.
Looks like it all worked out, then.
Okay, Colin Firth.
I got your chewy bone and your chewy monster and your chewy Mike's shoe.
Where's your leash? Take care of yourself.
All right, well, we are off.
I guess it's all for the best, huh? You two never really hit it off, anyway.
Come on.
Ugh.
Okay, I know you still hate me.
And I know you think I'm not your sister anymore.
But you didn't respond to my note, so I don't know what else to do because now you're going back up to school.
And I was thinking-- because I destroyed something so important to you, the only way to make it up to you is if I destroy something just as important to me.
So, forgive me, Woofy Dog.
Everything just got so out of hand.
I am not proud of it.
I have never known my life without you, and I don't even want to think about what that would be like, and these last few days when you said I wasn't your sister anymore, I honestly thought I was going to die! Okay! Fine! Stop! God! You're my sister again.
Are you sure? Because there's some people who use the word "Sister," but it doesn't really mean anything, and they just go off to college and they never see each other again and they only call when it's time to put their parents in a home or exchange Christmas cards, and that's it.
But that's not the kind of sister I want to be.
I want to be the kind of sister you call all the time and we laugh about how crazy mom's being.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! And your kids look a little like me and my kids look a little like you and we all go to King's Island every year together and wear matching t-shirts.
I'll agree to everything, except the t-shirts.
No matching shirts.
You got it.
Here, let's, uh try to fix this thing.
I think I still might have some glue left over from your toothbrush.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Hey, Dr.
Goodwin.
I found something I think you might like.
Oh, my stars! Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness! I heard about this family who found a lost dog, and they treated him very well and he loved them so much.
They called him Colin Firth after the handsome and emotionally vulnerable British actor.
So, this should make you feel good, huh? Oh, are you kidding? He's amazing.
Yes, you are.
Just amazing.
He really is.
And he looks so much like Toffee.
Excuse me? Oh, well, Toffee only had three legs.
But other than that, they're twins.
Wait, what? Are you kidding me? This isn't Toffee? Oh, no, ma'am.
But I can already tell this little guy's gonna fill the giant gaping hole in my heart.
Well, you know, having a dog with four legs could be quite an adjustment.
I'd certainly be willing to help out.
Hey, you know, there's a great dog park nearby.
We could all go after work.
It could be fun.
No, thanks.
Some things are hard to let go of.
Some things are easy.
Sorry, Margie.
Just not my cup of tea.
I don't think I'm the target audience.
Really looking forward to "Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood," though.
Ya-Ya.
And some things, you never should.
So, I'll, uh, text you some dates when you could maybe come to visit, you know, like, uh, when no one else is around.
Oh! I have a brother again! I really don't know why you love me so much.
I've done nothing to deserve it.
Yeah, okay.
You can let go now.