The Middle s08e11 Episode Script

Hoosier Maid

1 [Crow caws] [Telephone rings] Why do we even have a landline anymore? Mm, they say you should have one to call 911.
At this point if anything happens, don't bother calling 911.
- [Beep] - I just want to go.
Hi, this is Gail from Happy Hoosier Homemakers, and I'm happy to say this is your lucky day.
- Hear that, Mike? It's our lucky day.
- and this month, it's you.
We picked your business card out of the fishbowl at Don's Oriental, - What a load of crap.
- and we're calling to schedule They tell you you put a business card in a fishbowl, and Wait, I did that.
when you get this message.
You can reach us at Hi, hi, hi.
Yeah, this is Frankie Heck.
You're kidding.
What, seriously? Well, great! Thank you! T-Thank you so, so much! [Beep] Oh, my God.
This is life-changing.
What'd we win? Free maid service twice a week for a month.
And I let myself get a little bit excited.
No, Mike, you don't get it.
I have been fighting a losing battle with this house since we moved in, and now someone who is not me is gonna come in here and clean.
I mean, our house is gonna have a pine scent at the end of the day, and not from someone spilling the bottle by accident.
Yeah, we're not doing it.
I don't like the idea of some stranger poking around in my stuff.
You listen now and you listen good.
I'll get rid of you before I get rid of her.
Just don't get anybody friendly.
Okay, Bin people.
Listen up.
A room has opened up for Scott.
Whoo-hoo! So long, suckers! I feel like we're puppies no one wants, and Sarah McLachlan should be singing a song about us.
This is ridiculous.
They said three months.
It's gonna be spring, and we're still trapped here.
I know, right? Kind of makes you wish you had any other options.
I'm sorry, Sue.
I just can't.
Okay, look.
I know you didn't want your dad to put us up at an awesome apartment because you wanted the college experience, but I think we've had the college experience.
And the orphanage experience.
- And the prison experience.
- [Sighs] Sue, I know we'll get out of here, if we can just stick it out a little longer.
I'm building so much character.
Look at me.
I'm eating ramen out of a Tupperware.
You should come to my house.
You'd go nuts.
Frankie: I figured if you're gonna have a maid, you got to have a good vacuum, so I sent Mike to the place with the biggest inventory at the best prices.
Hello? - [Door opens] - Hello? Hello? Dad? Dad? What happened to you? Nothing happened.
Well, something happened.
You're walking with a cane.
I know how I'm walking.
What What do you want? Just came by to borrow a vacuum cleaner.
Oh, I-I'm not sure I can spare one at this juncture.
You got 15.
You counting my vacuum cleaners now? Are you sleeping down here? What are you, a cop? What's going on, Dad? How long you been like this? Oh, a couple of weeks.
I I don't know, a month.
I don't write everything down in some kind of lady diary.
Did you see a doctor? Oh, pfft.
Look, Dad, this is nuts.
Clearly, you can't drive.
How you getting to the grocery? Why didn't you call me? Or Rusty.
Or me.
I don't need a grocery.
I got these gumballs.
[Gumball machine clicking] When I run out I'll let you know.
It was all my "Downton Abbey" dreams come true.
I was gonna relax while my very own housemaid whipped this sorry house into shape.
[Knock on door] You guys got a lot of stairs.
Well, hi.
I'm Frankie.
You can call me Frankie.
You don't have to call me Mrs.
Heck or anything.
I'm not fancy.
Come in.
Come in.
Your house isn't on the bus route.
It's hard to get to.
[Sighs] [Grunting] [Sighs] [Panting] [Breathing heavily] Mike: Frankie! I'm in here.
[Door opens] What are you doing in Sue's room? Hiding from the maid.
Why? Is she friendly? No, I feel guilty.
She's old, Mike.
She should be retired.
Clearly, she made some bad life choices.
Worse than us? Time will tell.
How's your dad? - [Vacuum cleaner starts] - Bad.
What do you mean "bad"? Well, he can barely walk now, so he's using the cane.
He's sleeping in his chair 'cause he can't get upstairs.
Oh, my God! What happened? - Whatever it is - [Vacuum runs loudly] What? Whatever it is, I think it might be time to get him out of that house.
So you think it's that serious? That place has always been a deathtrap, and the way he is now, if something were to happen, I'm scared he can't get out.
I'm so sorry! I know how hard it'd be for your dad to move! Honestly, it's amazing he's lived alone for this long.
When my mom goes out of town, my dad has the paperboy make him a grilled cheese.
I got to talk to Rusty about this.
[Vacuum cleaner continues] [Thump] [Groaning] - [Vacuum cleaner shuts off] - I got this, Esther.
[Panting] Why don't you go lie down? [Groans] Hutch, the tarp didn't hold! Gee, imagine that.
Two of your flannel shirts tied together with rubber bands and Scotch tape didn't hold.
What kind of attitude we gonna have today a good one or a bad one? Oh! Crap! Kenny's gonna kill us for getting snow on his computer.
Aah! Both: Kenny! Oh, he better be alive! We were gonna be Donkey and Shrek next Halloween.
Pffft! We can't live like this anymore.
It's not like we got a lot of options.
Sue! My favorite sister.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! I'm telling you, he can barely walk.
Man, to see such a strong man like Dad laid so low.
It's like an emotional punch to the package.
Oop! What's going on? - You Bryan? - Yes.
Well, I'm your driver Juan.
And this is my brother Lancelot.
I learned it's best when they can't trace anything back to you.
Now, where were we? Oh, right.
Talking about our dying pop.
Well, he's not dying.
And I'm not talking about it in front of Bryan.
He's cool.
He got four stars.
Now, listen.
I got something that'll solve this whole deal.
We send all the old people to war.
We need somebody to fight the wars, and old people, they need something to do.
They're gonna die soon anyway.
This way, they go out with a real sense of purpose.
We're not sending Dad to war.
Well, I don't see any other option.
Really? You don't see any other option? Look, we'd all like to think peace would work, but I don't see it happening in our lifetime.
He's just gonna have to move in with you.
He can't move in with me.
We don't have any room.
Brick still has three more years of high school, Sue's always there, and Axl's about to graduate college, so you know he's coming back.
Clearly, we're at an impasse.
So there's only one logical thing to do.
Bryan, you've been awfully quiet back there.
This affects you, too, you know.
We're not letting a stranger decide what we do with our dad.
You don't want to send Dad to war.
You don't want to consult with Bryan.
[Sighs] You're just like Mr.
You You know, my uncle likes the place he's at Twilight Estates Assisted Living.
Food's decent, and they take Medicare.
Oh, yeah? I don't know.
Maybe it wouldn't hurt to take a look.
That is not how you break a tie, Bryan.
That's a whole new idea.
Now we're right back to where we started.
Don't mind Juan.
So, lucky for me, Happy Hoosiers was sending me a new free maid, which was pretty nice considering I broke the first one.
[Foreign accent] Missus? I need to show you something.
This is very bad.
Yeah, I know.
It was like that when we moved in.
I scrub and I scrub, but I can do nothing.
You know what? Just forget it.
I'll deal with it.
Missus? I need to show you something.
[Sighs] Food is old.
Everything is rotten.
Yeah, I know.
It's not cold enough, and the kids leave it open.
You know what? Just leave it.
I'll take care of it.
Missus, I need to show you some I know, I know.
Just show me.
Oh! Oh! Here we go.
Oh, get that weak sauce out of here! Okay.
You guys need to be quiet.
We are so close to getting our forever room, but if they catch you here, they'll throw us out.
And I really want my forever room! Relax.
No one will know we're here.
We are shadow.
We are wind.
Listen to me.
There is an R.
here Dan.
He's very by-the-book.
I always thought I was by-the-book, because of my fear of authority and sense of social responsibility, but this guy takes the cake.
He actually took a guy's cake, because there is no joy allowed in the Bin.
Juh! Oh.
[Laughs] White men can jump! Ooh! You know, when I look at you, I don't see color.
I just see a truly sucky basketball player.
Well, I'm sorry, but it's impossible to concentrate when Lexie's undressing me with her eyes over here.
- Mm.
- [Clicks tongue] Tell me, Axl, what is it exactly that you think makes you so irresistible? Is it that you live in your truck? Is it that you share a toothbrush with Hutch? I'm orange.
I'm orange.
You're right.
You're right, Axl.
I am undressing you.
I am fantasizing about you taking your shirt off, and then your pants, and then your underwear Mm.
which you also share with Hutch.
I'm orange.
I'm orange! What? Okay.
Look, Lexie, I get it.
I'm a divorcé, which makes you want me more 'cause you think you can fix me where other women couldn't.
But I am still dating my ex-wife, so you need to move on.
This is why they invented libraries.
Oh, is that why they invented libraries? R.
in the hall! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I told you guys you were being too loud.
Now we are gonna get caught, and I'll get kicked out of school, and it'll be a black mark on my permanent record for life.
What if I want to run for office someday?! Just shut up and read a book, dummy! - [Door closes] - [Sighs] Ha ha! [Sniffs] Yeah.
Mom, seriously? Look what the cleaning lady did to my new, dark-wash, not-from-the-cousin-box jeans.
It's hard to get good help, Brick.
We never knew that 'cause we never had help, but whenever I read about rich people, they always said it was hard to get good help, and they were right.
[Sighs] I liked it better when you washed my clothes and everything was still a little damp and it smelled weird and it was balled up in Sue's drawer.
We got a new one coming.
Can I help you? Hi! I'm April.
I'm looking for temporary housing.
My ex-husband is staying there.
It's totally against the rules, so I'm supposed to keep a lookout for some jerky R.
named Dan.
I'm Dan.
[Grunts] Ah ha ha! Welcome, ladies.
I know I speak for Hutch and Kenny when I say mi 'Bago es su 'Bago.
[Chuckles] [Gasps] I told you we were gonna get thrown out, but you didn't listen, because you always play everything so fast and loose! Look, Sue did you a favor.
You said the Bin was the worst place you ever lived.
Well, booyah! Totally listened.
So I think the words you're looking for are "Thank you, Axl.
" Oh, I think the word I'm looking for is [Grunts] [Gasps] Babe, it might be a little icy in here, - so watch your step.
- [Chuckles] Dad, Rusty and I want to talk to you about something.
This place is a lot to take care of, and you're having a tough time moving around now.
I can't help but notice you're running low on gumballs.
So me and Rusty checked out this great place called No! Well, that's that, then.
What? No! It's not that.
Well, I don't know, Mike.
Dad's making a lot of good points.
He said, "No.
" [Chuckles] You can't argue with that.
Yeah, you can! That's part of the plan, remember? I said, "Dad's not gonna take this well.
" United front.
You're supposed to have my back on this.
Oh, yeah? Well, you were supposed to have my back the time I stole the lawnmower and drove to the Dairy Queen, but you squealed to Mom like a little girl.
That was 40 years ago.
Yeah? Well, it's like they say "Vengeance is a dish best served after a really long time.
" [Sighs] I am not going to a nursing home.
Meebles Department Store is going out of business.
I'm gonna try and get their jewelry display cases.
What What does that have to do with anything? You can get good money out of selling them.
But that's the thing, Dad You don't.
You just keep stuff and you hoard and hoard.
And now this place is one spark away from turning into a pile of ashes.
And you couldn't walk out of here if you wanted to.
Look, you're going someplace where they're gonna take care of you, whether you like it or not.
And that's the end of the story.
Well, Mike's also the one that put the two fingers in your birthday cake that time.
Do you want me to go cut a switch for you, Dad? [Sighs] I'll give you half if you don't tell Sue I have Fluff.
She's like a jackal.
Sue's my best friend.
And I think that's selfish.
But I'm starving, so hand it over.
You are not subtle.
What are you talking about? You just happen to be up when I'm up? It's obvious you've been tracking my snack schedule over the past couple days.
How can you live in such a small place with such a huge ego? Got a hole in the roof.
I'm gonna say this real slow, because I think that will help you.
I do not like you.
I don't think about you.
I don't look at you.
I want to get as far away from you as possible because Oh! Uh Next time, just let me fall.
What are you doing? I'm just ready to get out of here.
What? Why? It's just too close, too tight quarters.
I hope you're not mad, but I told my dad we want the apartment at The Villas at Gumford Falls.
You did? W-Wait.
Oh, is the "We" me? Are we "We"? Of course.
But it's got a doorman, a gym, and a hot tub, so it won't be the college experience.
I hope you don't mind.
Can I just say I am the happiest I have ever been.
I didn't know there were jets just for your feet.
Not just for your feet.
Ahh! Mm! Okay, seriously, you guys.
We said half an hour.
Your time is up.
I'd go, but I can't leave until the concierge finishes polishing my shoes.
[Sighs] What happened here? The new maid with the face tattoo came and pulled out all the appliances to clean them and then mumbled something about life being too short and left.
[Sighs] Uh, I-I wouldn't go back there, Mom.
It's a hamster killing field.
[Sighs] I don't get it We've been living like this ever since the Fergusons returned me.
Why do you suddenly care so much? [Sighs] Because, Brick You think I like having a messy house? You think I feel good about what this says about me? I want to be one of those people who have spoon caddies, where all the spoons are stacked up like little spoon soldiers.
Guess where my spoons are.
Oh, look.
Here's one.
Propping up the microwave.
Here's another one still in the yogurt.
[Sighs] I'm only one cleaning person away from a whole different life, Brick.
If I give up, then this is who I am.
But as long as I'm trying there's still hope.
I get it.
Well, let me help by taking care of my dirty plate.
[Garbage disposal grinding] [Grinding stops] Found another one.
Hey, Mike! We got your mail again.
I don't trust our new postman.
[Whispering] He has that chin hair, like a jazz musician.
I'll keep an eye on him.
[Normal voice] I ran into Rusty when he was over at your house.
He said your dad's having some health problems? Yeah.
He's on a cane now.
We're trying to move him into a place, but [Sighs] he's being a real pain in the butt about it.
Ugh! So sorry.
I went through the same thing with my dad.
He just refused to admit that he couldn't take care of himself.
We fought like cats and dogs toward the end, but now that he's gone I'd pay a million dollars to have him back just one day.
- [TV plays] - [Sighs] Dad can live with me.
- [Grunts] - [TV turns off] What? I just got to clear out one of the kids' rooms and figure out a way to get him Good! You're here.
Now the both of you can help me stack my new load of microwaves.
Dad, what's going on? Where's the cane? Oh, well, I don't need it anymore.
Dad's all better now.
- He pooped! - [Laughs] You what? Yeah, the darndest thing is something was gumming up the works.
So don't go eyeballing my microwaves.
I've still got a few miles left on me.
So, you're perfectly fine? You went to the john, and now you have no trouble walking at all? Feel better than ever.
[Chuckles] Just like I told you, son.
You don't have to worry about me.
When the time comes, I'll just walk out into the woods, lie down, and die.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hmm? You ever think of going to war? [Sighs] Brick, did you? Oh, no.
Of course not.
Hi! You must be Frankie.
I'm Colleen.
I waxed the floors, cleaned the refrigerator, reorganized your spice rack, and steam-cleaned the carpets.
I know my time is up, but if it's okay with you, I really want to finish getting that ring out of the tub.
[Gasps] [Telephone rings] Hello? Hi, Frankie.
It's Gail from Happy Hoosier Homemakers.
I was just calling to see how Colleen was working out.
[Sighs] I love her with all my heart, Gail.
She's like the daughter I never had.
I mean, I have a daughter, but Colleen's better.
That's fantastic.
Well, this was your last free cleaning, so would you like to continue with Colleen for $350 a month? [Voice breaking] I would, Gail.
I really, really would.
But I can't.
Wait, do you know how much kidneys are going for these days? [Laughing] I'm just kidding! Hey, before you go, Gail Are you only in Don's Oriental, or are you in any other fishbowls around town? I'm sorry.
You can't win twice.
[Splash] [Sighs] That's truer than you know, Gail.
I guess when it comes down to it, home isn't about how clean it is or knowing where your spoons are.
It's where you make memories.
It's where you get through hard times together.
It's where you're comfortable.
But if you ask me, it all boils down to this Home is where the crap is.
[Shoes crunching]