The Middle s09e03 Episode Script

Meet the Parents

1 [CROW CAWS] [SIGHS] Look at this.
I am looking at it.
I've looked at it all 400 times you've dragged me out here to look at it.
It's a mud pit.
We got to take care of this.
Hey, you're the one that wanted to get rid of the pool.
And you should know never move anything in this house because what's underneath is gonna be way worse.
Look, it's gonna be a hard winter.
I got to get this thing tilled, I got to bring in dirt and seed, maybe put down some sod Why are you talking like a farmer? We got to get to it this weekend, Frankie.
Can't wait any longer.
Well, it'll have to.
We're going up to Sue's for parents' weekend.
[SIGHS] So pick some other day then.
[SIGHS] How about Thursday? All right.
Be out here with your boots on.
Oh, that's not the day we're doing it, that's the day we're picking a day to pick a day to do it.
Finally.
Feels good to get something done.
Well, the sophomore hijinks are finally starting to kick in.
I was starting to think that sophomore year wasn't going to be everything I'd seen in books and movies, but, boy, was I wrong.
Things are poppin', whirrin', and a-crackin'.
Okay, I'll bite.
Why are things poppin', whirrin', and a-crackin'? 'Cause I'm about to be arrested.
See, the sophomore president organized this fundraiser where classmates come and arrest you, lock you up at the school, then your friends come to bail you out.
It's called the Sophomore Slammer.
And all the money goes to charity Hoosiers for Head Injuries.
Just to be clear, they're against 'em? I didn't ask, but I'm assuming they are.
Anyway, this is a serious charity.
It's proven that people with head injuries have a lot of trouble later in life.
Hello! Oh, my pants are on backwards.
[CHUCKLES] I was wondering why I had to tie 'em in the back.
Well, I'm off the prepare for my big weekend.
It was definitely a good move to break up with Cindy so now I'm free to participate in all these sophomore shenanigans.
Worst mistake of his life.
Dumb as hell.
Soooo, how was your weekend with Lexie and her parents? Oh, my God, I thought their regular house was great.
You should see their lake house.
You can fit four of our houses in there, but you wouldn't want to 'cause this place is a dump.
Hey, our house is Oh, forget it.
You can't believe it, they've got everything a speedboat, a dock house, an arcade.
Oh, and hey, guess what? Lexie's parents are gonna be at parents' weekend, too, so we were thinking maybe we could, uh, get dinner or something? You? Want to have dinner with us? With Lexie's parents? You know they'll see us, right? I know, but you didn't get to meet April's parents until we got married, so now you can meet Lexie's parents before I get married.
But I'm not getting married.
[CHUCKLES] Unless you piss me off.
Then I will.
So be nice.
Well, wow, Axl, I'm thrilled.
I would love to meet Lexie's parents.
Okay, great.
Don't forget to wear your good bra.
Your pants are on backwards.
[SIGHS] I don't want to meet Lexie's parents.
What are you talking about? You always want to meet the people our kids are dating.
Yeah, but Lexie's parents are all richy rich.
They come from a completely different world.
What are we gonna talk about? Cleaning people's teeth and our mud pit? Who cares how much money they make? You just talk to them like you would talk to anybody.
Says the guy who talks to nobody.
Do I even have a good bra? We're home! People entering the apartment! I have to do that now.
Just so you know, I'm not gonna be doing this at home.
I'm only doing it here 'cause well, look at her.
So, how'd it go today? Oh, well, it was something.
We walked through every day of Sue's classes even though Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are all the same.
Mm-hmm.
It was amazing.
We got ice cream in the quad, had a picnic in the gazebo, Dad got an "F" on his parents' Econ quiz.
I think the only thing we missed was that beer tasting.
Yep.
When you guys came up for me, the only thing we used to do was go to my football game.
Yep.
Isn't it so great how much more time we have now that you don't have to sit in front of some boring football game all day? Yep.
Oh, hey, awesome news so, these friends of Lexie's got some wicked stomach bug and we got their Chance the Rapper tickets, so it looks like we're gonna have to bail on dinner.
Aw, no.
Oh, no, it's still happening.
My parents are dying to meet you.
They can't wait.
They'll be at the restaurant at 8:00.
Well, we got 20 minutes to come up with a whole new life.
FRANKIE: So while we were getting ready to meet the parents, back home, the sophomore shenanigans were in full swing.
[CLEARS THROAT] [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] [CLEARS THROAT] I'm telling you, Mike, we're at the wrong place.
There's no way these people would eat at some dumpy barbecue joint.
- I mean, we would, but - [CHUCKLES] [GASPS] You must be the Hecks.
Oh, my God.
I love your son.
I love your daughter, too.
Get up, get up.
I'm a hugger! Ohh! Hi.
- Hi! - Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi! Oh, I hope you didn't want to go to someplace fancy.
We just love the barbecue here.
They have Flintstone-sized ribs here.
I love a hunk of meat that'll tip your car over.
Yeah, no, are you kidding? This is great.
Sorry we're late.
We were at the game.
What an ending, right? Yep.
Uh-oh, check it out, TamTam, we're already a beer behind.
Not fair, Mike.
Frankie, I got to brag about your son.
Axl is the perfect gentleman.
You did something right.
What is it? Tell us.
[LAUGHTER] Well, we had him up to the lake house last weekend, and he was such a helper.
It was amazing! I just love that about Axl.
I wish he was that way around our house.
- Yeah.
- Hey, tell you what.
You take Lexie, we'll take Axl, and we can report back to each other about how great our kids are.
[LAUGHS] Deal.
- Oh.
- Cheers! - Cheers to that! - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Whoo! So, Mike, what kind of work do you do? I work at a quarry.
No kidding.
See, Tammy? This guy is salt of the earth.
- Mm-hmm.
- You got a man's job.
I like that.
I spend half my time on airplanes.
Listen, we're trying to decide between granite and marble for the bar in the game room.
What would you do? Well, granite's stronger.
Depends on how many bar fights you plan on having.
[LAUGHTER] Well, wouldn't you know, we went with marble for the house in Colorado.
Well, we only go there once a year, so it's not that big a deal.
Tammy, I love your necklace.
Oh, I got this on our first trip to Hong Kong.
You know, next time you get pearls, you've got to get them in Hong Kong.
You save so much money, it pays for the plane ticket.
It would have to.
[LAUGHTER] So what do you do for fun, Mike? - What do you mean? - You know, fun? Uh, I play tennis, some extreme skiing Uhhh, I don't know, I like extreme TV.
Also I like to barbecue.
- I love barbecue.
- Mmm.
Do you have a smoker? Uh, only when the grease builds up on the grill and it catches fire.
- [LAUGHS] - Oh! You have to get a smoker.
They can be a little expensive, but they're worth it.
Wait till the end of the season, though, when they're marked down.
You can get one for a couple thou.
So, pretty slim hotel pickin's here in Gumford, huh? - Yeah.
- Where are you guys staying? Oh, with Sue and Lexie.
Oh.
You're so lucky.
A sleepover! Oh, I just knew we would love you, and I do! Don't we just love them? Uh, let me have another beer before I decide if I love him.
Oh, he loves you.
[LAUGHTER] I mean, how great were Tammy and Bennett? You know how some people are better than you and they want to let you know that they're better than you? I mean, they're definitely better than us, but they didn't make us feel like they were.
I really had them pegged wrong.
And how attractive were they? Hello! I didn't think they made people like that in Indiana.
You seemed to be really hitting it off with Bennett.
Eh I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know? Can't put my finger on it, but I wasn't impressed.
You weren't impressed? How could you not be impressed? Did you see his teeth? I just wasn't, okay? No, it's not okay.
Give me one reason why you weren't impressed.
[SIGHS] Okay, fine.
I didn't like it when he ordered fried pickles for the table.
But you loved the fried pickles.
I did, but I don't think people should order for the table it's a power move.
Oh, you're nuts.
Give me another reason.
How about I give you a "thou.
" What? A "thou.
" He was telling me how I should get a smoker.
You know, it would only cost me a couple thou.
He's on a nickname basis with thousands of dollars.
Okay, they might be rich, but they weren't throwing it around in an obnoxious way.
And anyway, how cool was that move when Bennett went to the bathroom and picked up the check? Power move.
No, it wasn't.
It was classy.
I mean, he went to the bathroom, and it was taken care of.
You couldn't even argue about it, it was done.
Not like when we go out with our friends and Bill Norwood pulls out a calculator to tally up how much everybody got.
And Bennett even made a joke about it, "Oh, we'll pick up the cheap one, you'll get the expensive one.
You don't really think they'd do that, do you? Ah, Mr.
Wolman, get used to this.
Principal Cameron, I got to get out.
I've got band practice this afternoon.
Well, I'm sorry, but you know how it works.
You have to call a friend to come down and make a donation to charity to bail you out.
I, on the other hand, do not have that option.
My prison has no bars.
And I'm serving a life sentence.
[LAUGHTER] So Brick figured, if no one would arrest him, he would arrest himself.
How about sophomore year, am I right? Knock, knock! Hi, new best friend! - Hi! - Hugs! - Hey, Bennett.
- Hey.
We were just on our way back to Carmel, and we brought some goodies for the girls and a new laptop for Lexie.
They just slow down.
You almost have to get a new one every year.
Eee, thanks, Daddy! What should we do with the old one? Well, you could always give it to someone needy.
Hey, there's mister jet ski! Yeah.
Hey, we went to this restaurant on jet skis.
Super cool.
These have these Game's back on.
Watching the Colts? Oh, are you a Colts fan? Not these last few years.
I just got tired of losing, so I jumped over to the Patriots.
Jumped over? Yeah, it's more fun to throw a Super Bowl party when you're cheering for the winner.
[CHUCKLES] Am I right? Frankie, I've got to tell you, we had a blast last night.
Oh, us too.
Mike is still talking about those fried pickles.
And next time, dinner is on us.
Oh, you got it.
We know a great steak-and-lobster place.
Or the barbecue place again.
That's hard to beat.
[BOTH LAUGH] You know what? Why don't you guys come to the lake house next weekend? Oh, it's settled, you're coming.
And not to worry you're gonna have plenty of privacy.
Rowena can make you anything you want for dinner.
Or, wait, is it Josephina? We have a family of sisters, they rotate.
Bennett, we should give Rowena the old computer.
She could sell her baskets on Etsy.
Great idea, TamTam.
Thanks again for my laptop, Dad.
Aww.
Hey, Sue, come here.
Here's, uh here's $5.
Why don't you get yourself one of those fancy coffees.
What? Why? Eh, no reason.
Really? I don't have to change a tire or crawl under the house to check a leak? - No.
- Oh, my God! $5! Mom! Dad just gave me $5! $5! [LAUGHS] - Sue, it's not that - Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! I am gonna go get a fancy coffee right now! Wait.
Does it have to be a fancy coffee? No.
That was just a suggestion.
I can get anything?! Oh, but what? I know.
I am gonna get a package of those mini umbrellas to make my smoothies festive.
Or an off-brand fidget spinner.
Or five things from the 99-cent store and still have a nickel left over! That's good, I'd do that.
Quick, before I spend it, someone get a photo of Dad giving me the $5 for the scrapbook! Uhh Now, Mr.
Heck, you've been here for hours and no one's come for you.
So who ya gonna call? And don't say Ghostbusters.
It's just not that funny anymore.
I'm gonna try my good friend Troy again.
He's on the football team, too.
We're best friends.
He's gonna crack up when he finds out I'm in here.
- Oh, Tango? - Mm-hmm.
He's on a Future Farmers of America field trip this weekend.
[BEEP] MIKE: I'll tell you why I don't like that guy.
- Who? - Bennett.
Richy rich, Bennett.
What? What are you talking about? Bennett's great.
They're both awesome.
Hey, they're a fun couple who like us, so please don't spoil it by showing them the real you.
It doesn't bug you at all that he abandoned the Colts for the Patriots? [LAUGHING] No.
Why would it? Because that's not the way it works.
You're born the fan of a team, and you stay a fan of that team until you die good or bad.
How would you like it if I pledged my allegiance to you in marriage and then just gave you up for some winner? You know what I mean.
It goes to character.
He's just slick.
That's what I was picking up at dinner.
- That'll be $5.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, damn it.
I gave Sue my last five.
That's all you had? You only carry around $5? Hobos carry more.
Well, how much do you have? Start looking for loose change.
You know what, I bet you Bennett didn't start his own business.
I bet he inherited it from Daddy.
That's not what TamTam said.
She said he started it with only $40.
Well, no one ever gave me $40.
[HORN HONKS] BENNETT: Everything okay up there? Yep, fine! Everything's fine! Here's what I don't get, why would you up and give Sue $5 for no reason? I don't know.
I felt like it.
That's all.
No, I think you were being competitive.
Bennett brings Lexie a new computer, and all of a sudden, you're tossin' around fivers like you're Fiddy Cent.
Hey, he brought her that laptop knowing full well we would be there to see it.
Oh.
He was showing off.
He's a showoff.
Hey, Mike.
No cash on you? - Uh - Happens to all of us.
I already got the guy.
You're good to go.
[MIRROR CLATTERS] Huh.
That's funny.
That never Yeah.
Okay, Mr.
Heck, let's wrack our brains and think.
Is there anybody else that you could call? Like a kid from another school that doesn't know you very well? Or a janitor that you're inappropriately close with? Well, I didn't want to have to play this card, but I guess I can call my ex-girlfriend.
You have a girlfriend? Ex-girlfriend.
And I dumped her.
You dumped her.
But that was a while ago.
I'm sure she's over it by now.
Hello, Cindy? It's me, Brick.
Hello? Hello? Okay, Mr.
Heck, it's late, and I'd like to go home.
I mean, it isn't much, but I'd still like to go there.
Is there anybody else that you can call? You know, just like, any body? Ahh! Brick, I got your text! I came as fast as I could! Hi, friend! Good to see you, friend.
Thanks for bailing me out.
I haven't seen you since we ate French fries at the designated meeting location while watching ribald videos on the Internet and talking about our other friends we have.
Oh! Oh, right.
I am a good friend bailing out my good friend from the Sophomore Slammer.
That is what I am here to do.
And so on and so forth and what have you.
Wait a minute.
I know you.
You're Ana Hajarajanaan.
Welcome back! Uh-huh.
That's right.
I am Ana Hajarajanaan, and it is nice to be back.
- You ready to go, Brick? - Mm-hmm.
All right, just pay the bail money and, uh, we will put a bullet in this thing and go home.
Oh, I don't have my wallet.
Oh, wait.
I forgot.
I do have $5.
I really don't need that fancy coffee or the fluffy pom-pom you can hang on your purse.
And that puts an end to the weekend.
But before you know it, I will be back in the morning to dress up with the Vice Principal as Crockett and Tubbs for '80s week.
Only seven more years till my student loans are paid off.
[MOTOR WHIRRING] Mike? Mike! Mike! Mike! Come and eat! Why are you even doing this now? We didn't pick a day to pick a day yet.
Yeah, well, I got tired of waiting, so I picked a day to pick a day, and today's the day.
[MOTOR WHIRRING] [ LAUGHTER ON TV] Hey, Brick.
Fun outfit.
How's '80s week? It was not a thriller.
[CHUCKLES] That's funny.
Why? [THUNDER RUMBLING] Okay, come on, Brick.
It's gonna be okay.
I have no evidence to support that theory.
Okay, look.
I'm gonna tell you something that may surprise you but it's the truth.
Sophomore year isn't what you think it is.
There is nothing special about sophomore year.
I don't even know where you heard it was.
It isn't.
No one ever in the world thought that.
In fact, it's probably the least exciting of all the years.
What?! Then why did I break up with Cindy? No one knows.
I thought this was supposed to be a pep talk.
It isn't very peppy thus far.
Look, you're better off than me.
I never even saw the Sophomore Slammer.
Remember that dinner where I kept looking out the window and I was so sad I was using the curtains to dry my tears? Can you be more specific? The point is, that was Sophomore Slammer weekend, and I never even got to the school.
You want to know the good thing about you and me? We may not be arrested, but we never stop believing we could be arrested.
You realize I'm using arrested as a metaphor for good things like friendship, marriage, and success in our respective careers.
- Yeah, I got that.
- Okay.
[CHUCKLES] [SIGHS] It's nice to have friends.
But it's better when your friends are family.
[MOTOR WHIRRING] Come inside! It's raining! You're not gonna finish this whole thing now! I'm not planning on finishing today.
I'm just gonna till the soil now and lay down the seed this weekend.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! You know, you you you can't do that! You can't do that 'cause we're going to the lake house this weekend! What? No, we're not.
But this the last weekend before they close it up for the winter.
It's now or never.
- Never.
- What? Just 'cause we got invited, doesn't mean we got to go.
Why wouldn't we want to go? It's a fabulous lake house with rotating sisters who cook for you.
Give me one good reason why we can't go.
How 'bout I give you a thou? Oh.
Okay.
I get what's happening.
You're jealous.
I'm not jealous.
There are just not a lot of weekends left, and it's gonna turn cold and the ground will be too hard to till, and then it'll be another whole year before I can get this done.
Which is the exact reason why we should go to the lake house.
I'm not worried about the lake house.
I'm worried about our house house which is the only one we have which is why I would like it to be nice! Oh, really? Nice.
You mean as nice as Bennett's? Just admit it.
You're jealous.
I'm not jealous.
That's what jealous people say when they don't want to admit that they're jealous.
I'm not jealous.
Oh, my God! It's okay to admit it.
Look, I'm jealous, too.
But I channel my jealousy in a healthy way by sucking up to them and taking their handouts.
Show an emotion, Mike! Come on! Show an emotion! It's okay! People have them.
It's acceptable.
Be human.
Y Just admit that you're jealous of him.
You're not a bad person because you have feelings.
Say it.
Come on, just say it! Fine! I'm jealous! You don't think I want a lake house? I want a lake house! I want a canoe! I want to fish! I want all that stuff! I want dividends from Disney stock.
I want a box at the Pacers game.
I want his teeth! But what am I complaining about? I got all this.
All this is mine.
Congratulations, Frankie.
You got the mud-hole guy.
[MOTOR STOPS] I married the mud-hole guy because I love the mud-hole guy.
Hey, anybody can be happy with a boat and 20 houses.
It takes a lot of love to be happy in a mud hole.
You still want to go to that lake house, don't you? Oh, I was never not going.
So we went to the lake.
And it was more fabulous than I imagined.
Unfortunately, I ate a bad roadside corn dog on the way up and spent the whole weekend sick.
But Mike had the time of his life.
At least the bathroom I barfed in was unbelievable.