The Middle s09e10 Episode Script
The Christmas Miracle
1 Okay, who wants to help build the gingerbread house? We gotta do it fast 'cause last year I ate the gingerman and lady first and they never even got a chance to move in.
Uh, yeah.
Brick can do it.
BRICK: I'm trying to eat better.
Cindy wants me to do a full push-up by the end of the year.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
What happened? Glossners.
They deflated it yesterday, and now they stabbed a hole in it.
I won't tell you where.
Why'd you buy a big, giant snowman, anyway? Eh, there was a cute salesgirl at Lowe's.
I'm not letting those Glossners win.
I'm gonna duct-tape this guy's business back up and send him right back out there onto the front lines again.
This is my house.
I'm not gonna let those little punks call the shots.
Hmm.
Well, at least someone has a passion for the holiday.
The kids are just so blah.
So, we start later in the day.
- Who cares? - Don't you get it? Now that they're not little anymore, the magic is gone.
Remember when they used to wake us up at 5:00 a.
m.
and jump on our bed? I remember you cursing into your pillow.
"Damn it" isn't a real curse.
You didn't say "damn it.
" You said The point is, once you made me get up, I just loved how they couldn't wait to open their presents.
And now all they want are gift cards.
I remember you cursing about having to go out and shop The holidays are stressful! That doesn't mean you don't like 'em! ["DECK THE HALLS" PLAYS.]
Hey, Mike, listen.
I was thinking, and you know what? We can't do a little-kid Christmas, but we could do a big-kid Christmas.
We could give Christmas a little zhuzh.
Do you know what zhuzhing is? It's like giving it a little kick in the pants.
So, let's just take advantage of the fact that the kids are older.
We could have a cocktail party on Christmas Eve just us and the Donahues.
So, instead of serving hot cocoa, we could do mixed drinks.
And instead of these crappy ornaments that the kids made in school, I could hang seashells and have a beach-themed tree.
So, it would still be magic, just adult magic.
That sounded dirty, but you know what I mean.
A-A-And instead of giving out toys, we could just do a Yankee Swap with adult toys not adult toys.
Toys that adults would like that are not sexual.
Could you move? I need eyes on the snowman.
What's a Yankee Swap? Oh, it's this really fun party game where everybody brings a present, and then you get to pick one from a pile or steal someone else's.
Why is it called "Yankee Swap"? I don't know.
I'm assuming it has something to do with the slave trade.
What? No! They would never name a party game after that! Depends who "they" is.
It's fun, and we're doing it, so everybody has to buy something Christmasy and wrap it up.
I get to buy my own present and wrap it up? That's what I said.
By myself, using paper, tape, and scissors? Am I allowed to use scissors? Can I do that? Go to town.
Well, now you've made it interesting.
Hey.
We're gonna zhuzh up Christmas Eve.
So, the Donahues are coming over for a party, and then we'll go to the midnight service.
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
What? Oh, come on.
We're We're gonna have appetizers and adult drinks.
Don't say "no" to fun.
If you're not careful, you're gonna turn into your dad.
No, I'm all for adult drinks.
I'm just gonna skip the church thing.
What do you mean? I'm just not feeling it lately.
Feeling what? Church, belief, the whole enchilada.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, wow.
That's a big enchilada, señor.
Yeah.
Just seems like, if I'm not feeling it, it's kind of hypocritical to go.
What? No.
Sometimes I don't feel like going to Curves, and I still go.
No, you don't.
But I believe in Curves.
And I believe, if I went, it would do me good.
Probably help you not be so winded when you get up from chairs.
[SIGHS.]
H-How long have you been feeling this way about church? A year, maybe two.
I mean, it's healthy.
Aren't you the one that told me to ask questions and think for myself? - No.
- Oh.
Well, I've been traveling the world, seen a lot of religions out there.
I mean, who's to say which one's the right one? Ours is.
Ours is the right one.
Let's go to church.
Mom, this is about me.
It's not your problem.
It shouldn't bother you if I don't believe in God.
FRANKIE: Flush with the power of holding scissors, Brick set about trying to wrap his gift.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow.
Okay, Axl, what are you up to? Trying to figure out how all this plumbing stuff works so I can sell it for my new job.
Also, this thing, it's called a ball cock.
I got to be able to say that [LAUGHING.]
without laughing.
It's gonna take some time.
I heard you're not going to church on Christmas.
What are you trying to pull? Nothing.
I'm not feeling it, so I'm not going.
What exactly is it you're not feeling? Faith? Are you saying you don't have faith? I'm saying I'm older now, Sue.
I've traveled the world.
I've seen things.
I envy your small-town naiveté, but I cannot shut off my intellect.
- Ugh.
- Okay, I just don't understand.
How could you not have faith? I never don't have faith.
I am filled with faith.
If you cut me open, I'd be like 80% faith, 20% all the stuff you need to live.
Why? What proof is there? [SCOFFS.]
What proof? Uh, ever hear of miracles? Like what? [SCOFFS.]
Like what? Uh, like rainbows? The ability to taste chocolate? A baby's laugh? A baby's cry?! A baby's poop?! Anything to do with babies, really.
Hmm.
What else you got? Uh, trees, clouds, sun.
Should I go on? Moon! I went on! Science, science, science.
Should I go on? Science.
Okay, there are plenty of miracles that happen every day that can't just be explained away by science.
And the next time I see one, I am going to point it out to you, and you will have faith coming out of your God-given eyeballs.
Scissors.
Am I right? Ooh.
Ow! Damn Glossners got to it again.
Who was on watch duty last night? I made up a whole schedule.
Yeah, nobody's doing that.
We gotta call it on Frosty.
Putting him out there is a suicide mission.
Might as well just put a target on his back.
That's never where they get him.
[SIGHS.]
Those kids are messed up.
Oh, shoot.
I'm all out of roof.
Pace yourself.
You've been hitting that house a little hard.
I need comfort food.
Our son doesn't want to go to church.
What did we do wrong? We didn't do anything wrong.
He's older now.
He's starting to think for himself.
What is this "think for himself" crap? Did you put that in his head? You're spitting gingerman.
You're the one that was always saying, "We gotta bring the hammer down.
" Well, now it's time for you to bring the hammer down and bring it down hard.
He's an adult.
You can't tell an adult what to do.
[SCOFFS.]
Like hell I can't.
I'm telling you what to do right now.
I want you to bring that hammer down.
Yeah.
That's right.
I'm looking at you.
I don't care how tall you are.
You don't scare me.
You're gonna do what I say and get your boy to church.
Frankie, who am I to force him? I don't even know how much I believe.
I basically just go for you.
["THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS" PLAYS.]
What am I looking at? A miracle.
There is no scientific reason why a plant would be growing from the laundry-room floor.
Yes, there is Mom doesn't clean.
Now, if she cleaned, that would be a miracle.
Come get me when that happens.
Wha [SIGHS.]
Hey, you.
[GROANS.]
Mom, I am not in the mood for a guilt trip about church.
No, no, no.
I just wanted to hear about your job.
Oh.
Well, I start officially after the holidays.
I'm about halfway through the plumbing manual.
Ironically, it's good bathroom reading.
Or is that the opposite of ironically? Doesn't matter.
Don't need grammar for plumbing.
Hmm.
Think about it, Axl.
Of all the people trying for this job, you got it.
Something to be thankful for like a blessing.
- SUE: Or a miracle! - I got this, Sue! I knew you couldn't help yourself.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry.
I just don't know why you don't want to go.
Well, why do you want to go? No, no, no, no, no.
Don't turn this around on me.
I'm not the one on trial here.
- Oh, so I'm on trial? - Nobody said you're on trial.
You just said you're not the one on trial, so that makes me the one who is on trial.
Well, if one person wants to go to church and the other doesn't, you can bet your bippy that the one who doesn't is on trial.
That's just the way it works.
I don't make the rules.
Why can't you just have a normal, healthy dialogue about this? I mean, come on.
Why do you go to church? A million reasons.
I'm asking for one.
Uh [SCOFFS.]
'cause I'm supposed to.
Duh! Yeah.
You're supposed to go to Curves, but you don't do that.
Stop using my Curves example against me.
Um, okay, I also go 'cause church is social, and I get to see my friends.
What else? Uh, there's doughnuts after.
I get to dress up.
I already said you're supposed to, right? Singing! I get to sing.
Mm.
Yeah, I mean, these are all surfacy reasons.
Come on.
What's the real, deep-down reason you go to church? Mike was running out of patience and duct tape.
But he was gonna do whatever it took to beat the Glossners.
[SNORING.]
[SHIVERING.]
What's happening? [MOANING, SHIVERING.]
Oh, my God! You're freezing! Shh.
Warm me up.
Oh, get away from me! [SHIVERS.]
Just let me put my hands between your thighs.
I'm not interested in anything.
I promise.
I finally fell asleep after my head was spinning over Axl, and now I'm awake.
Thanks a lot.
They got us again, Frankie.
Oh, my God.
I could not even come up with a good reason why I go to church.
I mean, who am I? Is my whole life a lie? Just keep talking about it.
Don't No, don't mock me now, Mike.
I'm very upset.
I have to talk about this.
No, I want you to.
Your breath is hot.
- It feels good.
- No, you don't understand.
I'm the mother.
I'm supposed to be the spiritual center of the home.
Like, while you're out hunting and gathering, I'm supposed to make them righteous.
They're not righteous.
"Teach your children well.
" That's from Corinthians.
That's Crosby, Stills & Nash.
Why does it feel like there's sand in the bed? It's gingerbread window crumbs.
No, this whole time when I'm supposed to be caring about their spirituality, all I ever prayed for was for the girl I liked the most to be picked on "The Bachelor," which is a terrible waste of prayer.
By the time it airs, he's already picked her.
You tell me you have faith, right? You're a person who believes? - Yes.
- Okay.
Then you should believe that whatever happens is maybe the way God wants it to work out.
[SIGHS.]
You're right.
You're right.
I mean, at a certain point, it's out of my hands, and and all I can do is have faith that when we go to church tomorrow night Axl will be with us.
[SIGHS.]
Thanks.
That helps.
You're welcome.
Now I need you to help me.
I'm gonna put my feet on your feet.
It's gonna be bad for about 10 seconds, but then you're gonna start to breathe again, and everything's gonna be fine.
Just have faith.
After a fifth attack on the snowman, Mike finally found a spot where the Glossners couldn't get it just in time for the Christmas party.
Sue, the Donahues are here.
You need to bring out your Yankee Swap gift.
Okay.
[GASPS.]
Oh, no! Ohh, I stopped by the apartment yesterday after I bought my gift I must have left it there.
Well, you need to find something that's Christmasy.
Oh! How about the snow globe? My snow globe? You found it in the trash, Sue.
I like to think it found me.
Okay, well, whatever, but ticktock.
We're starting.
that was so deep [LAUGHTER.]
- Whoo! - Hi, Sue.
Merry Christmas.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
We drew numbers.
You're 5.
Sean's about to pick.
- He's number one.
- Ooh! Uh, yeah, he is.
Number-one son/ almost-doctor.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Whoo! Who should I see about a martini refill? - Ooh! - [LAUGHTER.]
Hmm, which one will it be? Oh! Really? Did you not see this bad boy right here? Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yum! I made those.
They're full of gluten and sugar and dairy and nuts.
I'm taking back dessert! - Ooh! - [LAUGHTER.]
Okay, Sean, now whoever goes next can either pick a new gift from the table or snag yours.
Who's second? That'd be me, and these be mine.
- [ALL CHEER.]
- Our first steal! - Ooh! - And it's mine! It's mine! I'm sorry.
Are the rules to not pick the nicest one? This is so much fun! Oh, gosh.
Yankee Swap, going to church.
It's almost like if you missed any one of them, it wouldn't be Christmas.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, Sean, pick again.
All right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Which one you gonna get? - Hmm - [CHUCKLES.]
Ooh, that one's pretty.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Wow.
Must be the old pretty-girl-at-the-prom syndrome that I've read about.
I'll never be at prom.
All-in-one tool.
Oh! Who bought that? I did.
It's supposed to be Christmasy.
It's red.
- I like it.
- Yeah! And I'm number three, so [LAUGHTER.]
I'm in upside-down land.
Things are getting exciting! Are they? Oh.
Me again.
[CHUCKLES.]
Um Ooh! Oh! Yay! Oh, that one's mine! I think you'll like it.
It's really special to me.
I'll tell you the whole story after you open it.
All right.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Oh.
Um I'm sorry, everybody.
I will be right back.
- Hmm.
- Doctor stuff.
Hmm.
[CHUCKLES.]
[THUD.]
What was that? I don't know.
[FOOTSTEPS ON ROOF.]
- Glossners.
- I hate those kids! You should see what they did to my Mrs.
Claus.
I'll get the front.
You get the back.
That's what they did to Mrs.
Claus! I-I don't know where Sean went off to.
It's not like him to be rude.
I'll go find him.
I'm next.
Should I just pick? I don't know.
We're kind of in a Yankee Swap holding pattern.
Isn't there a rule that if someone doesn't open theirs, we just move on to the most meticulously wrapped one on the table? I'll open Sean's for him.
He won't care.
Okay.
Here we go.
- All right.
- Let's see what it is.
What is it? [GASPS.]
Ooh! Aww, the snow globe.
Okay, Shelly, do you want Sean's, or do you want to pick a new one from the table? I'll take the snow globe.
- Okay! - I knew it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Here you go, sweetie.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, Sean.
Are you okay? Everybody's waiting for you.
What? Oh, I, uh I just got a text from a buddy, said grades were posted, and I checked them, and I didn't do so well.
Oh! Oh, gosh.
I'm sorry.
But it's probably not as bad as you think it is.
Sue, I got three B's and two two of those things that come after "B.
" Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[SIGHS.]
Okay, look.
I know this has gotta be really hard for you, but don't worry.
Axl got lots of C's, and he just got a job selling plumbing supplies.
[SIGHS.]
[GRUNTING.]
I'm gonna get you! Thanks, Mike.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I'm not at my physical best.
They tell me I got hit by a car last week.
Let go of me! Where's the snowman? Somebody took it off the roof.
- None of your damn business! - Hey, you little jerk! I saw what you did to Mrs.
Claus, and I can't unsee it.
Do you respect nothing?! You tell him, Mike.
I'm about to throw up Bwine.
[SIGHS.]
Look, you want to know why I kept putting the snowman back out there? It's not because I need a snowman in my front yard.
I'm not that guy.
It's 'cause I thought, at some point, you would realize that what you were doing was not right, but you never did.
Look, you're not in diapers anymore.
Okay, scratch that.
The point is, you've gotta figure out what kind of man you're gonna be.
[SIGHS.]
Sorry.
I just never had no daddy to tell me right from wrong.
I thought maybe you could tell me.
Well, you can blame your parents all you want, but at some point, it's on you.
But you didn't let me finish.
I thought maybe you can tell me, but you can't 'cause you're a woman! Should we go after him? No point.
But for a kid carrying a full load, he sure can run.
[SIGHS.]
Great party, Frankie.
I'm sorry we didn't get to finish the Yankee Swap, but we don't want to be late for church.
It's my favorite part of Christmas.
The whole family sitting together in the pew.
Yeah, us too! SHELLY: I really like the snow globe.
I want to give it to my friend Juliette.
She said some mean things to me, and I want to turn the other cheek.
Aww.
That's my sweet angel.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ron! Warm up the car! We're leaving! [SIGHS.]
Oh, Brick.
I'm actually happy nobody picked it.
They'd just rip it apart like a Philistine.
I'm gonna keep it just like this, put it up on my shelf, and admire it forever.
- Mm.
- [RINGTONE PLAYING.]
Is that your phone? I hate this game.
[GUITAR PLAYING.]
Okay.
So, uh, we're going to church.
Okay.
Okay.
[PLAYING RESUMES.]
Ma! No.
I'm not.
I'm not gonna get on your case anymore.
[SIGHS.]
Look.
I get it.
You know? I-I didn't want to go to church when I was your age, either.
It can be boring.
It can be super boring.
I mean, half the time, I don't even want to go now.
But, um, you asked me why I go, and, you know, I don't know.
Why the hell do I go? I mean, I guess I go because it makes me feel better when everything goes to crap around here.
You know, when the sink explodes or the dishwasher explodes or fill-in-the-blank explodes.
God has certainly given us a lot of opportunity to seek him out.
And, you know, if someone wants to lighten the load on my shoulders, then I am all for it.
It's just nice to know that somebody's got my back, and, um, I don't know, just to feel like I'm part of something bigger than this.
Yeah.
So, I guess that's a good reason to go.
It's good to know I don't go just for the doughnuts.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Anyway What's happening? Don't ask questions.
Let's just go.
What? Really? Are you gonna wear that? Never mind! It's all good! Donahues don't do this.
I've always been at the top of my class.
Maybe I shouldn't be a doctor.
I just T-The whole semester's been a struggle.
Well, yeah, of course it is.
It's supposed to be.
It's medical school.
It's hard.
I wouldn't want a doctor who went to an easy one.
But I got C's.
It's so average.
I've never been in the middle of the pack before.
Oh, well, I am all about the middle of the pack.
It happens to be my area of expertise.
Okay, and here's what I have learned You cannot compare yourself to anybody else.
You are your own unique you.
Everyone has their own path.
Yeah, but Okay, look.
You once told me I was a very special snowflake.
But you know what? So are you.
There is no one else like you.
You are gonna be so great.
And not because you're a Donahue, because you're you.
["WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS" PLAYS.]
Yep.
Sue was right.
Miracles happen every day.
Uh, yeah.
Brick can do it.
BRICK: I'm trying to eat better.
Cindy wants me to do a full push-up by the end of the year.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
What happened? Glossners.
They deflated it yesterday, and now they stabbed a hole in it.
I won't tell you where.
Why'd you buy a big, giant snowman, anyway? Eh, there was a cute salesgirl at Lowe's.
I'm not letting those Glossners win.
I'm gonna duct-tape this guy's business back up and send him right back out there onto the front lines again.
This is my house.
I'm not gonna let those little punks call the shots.
Hmm.
Well, at least someone has a passion for the holiday.
The kids are just so blah.
So, we start later in the day.
- Who cares? - Don't you get it? Now that they're not little anymore, the magic is gone.
Remember when they used to wake us up at 5:00 a.
m.
and jump on our bed? I remember you cursing into your pillow.
"Damn it" isn't a real curse.
You didn't say "damn it.
" You said The point is, once you made me get up, I just loved how they couldn't wait to open their presents.
And now all they want are gift cards.
I remember you cursing about having to go out and shop The holidays are stressful! That doesn't mean you don't like 'em! ["DECK THE HALLS" PLAYS.]
Hey, Mike, listen.
I was thinking, and you know what? We can't do a little-kid Christmas, but we could do a big-kid Christmas.
We could give Christmas a little zhuzh.
Do you know what zhuzhing is? It's like giving it a little kick in the pants.
So, let's just take advantage of the fact that the kids are older.
We could have a cocktail party on Christmas Eve just us and the Donahues.
So, instead of serving hot cocoa, we could do mixed drinks.
And instead of these crappy ornaments that the kids made in school, I could hang seashells and have a beach-themed tree.
So, it would still be magic, just adult magic.
That sounded dirty, but you know what I mean.
A-A-And instead of giving out toys, we could just do a Yankee Swap with adult toys not adult toys.
Toys that adults would like that are not sexual.
Could you move? I need eyes on the snowman.
What's a Yankee Swap? Oh, it's this really fun party game where everybody brings a present, and then you get to pick one from a pile or steal someone else's.
Why is it called "Yankee Swap"? I don't know.
I'm assuming it has something to do with the slave trade.
What? No! They would never name a party game after that! Depends who "they" is.
It's fun, and we're doing it, so everybody has to buy something Christmasy and wrap it up.
I get to buy my own present and wrap it up? That's what I said.
By myself, using paper, tape, and scissors? Am I allowed to use scissors? Can I do that? Go to town.
Well, now you've made it interesting.
Hey.
We're gonna zhuzh up Christmas Eve.
So, the Donahues are coming over for a party, and then we'll go to the midnight service.
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
What? Oh, come on.
We're We're gonna have appetizers and adult drinks.
Don't say "no" to fun.
If you're not careful, you're gonna turn into your dad.
No, I'm all for adult drinks.
I'm just gonna skip the church thing.
What do you mean? I'm just not feeling it lately.
Feeling what? Church, belief, the whole enchilada.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, wow.
That's a big enchilada, señor.
Yeah.
Just seems like, if I'm not feeling it, it's kind of hypocritical to go.
What? No.
Sometimes I don't feel like going to Curves, and I still go.
No, you don't.
But I believe in Curves.
And I believe, if I went, it would do me good.
Probably help you not be so winded when you get up from chairs.
[SIGHS.]
H-How long have you been feeling this way about church? A year, maybe two.
I mean, it's healthy.
Aren't you the one that told me to ask questions and think for myself? - No.
- Oh.
Well, I've been traveling the world, seen a lot of religions out there.
I mean, who's to say which one's the right one? Ours is.
Ours is the right one.
Let's go to church.
Mom, this is about me.
It's not your problem.
It shouldn't bother you if I don't believe in God.
FRANKIE: Flush with the power of holding scissors, Brick set about trying to wrap his gift.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow.
Okay, Axl, what are you up to? Trying to figure out how all this plumbing stuff works so I can sell it for my new job.
Also, this thing, it's called a ball cock.
I got to be able to say that [LAUGHING.]
without laughing.
It's gonna take some time.
I heard you're not going to church on Christmas.
What are you trying to pull? Nothing.
I'm not feeling it, so I'm not going.
What exactly is it you're not feeling? Faith? Are you saying you don't have faith? I'm saying I'm older now, Sue.
I've traveled the world.
I've seen things.
I envy your small-town naiveté, but I cannot shut off my intellect.
- Ugh.
- Okay, I just don't understand.
How could you not have faith? I never don't have faith.
I am filled with faith.
If you cut me open, I'd be like 80% faith, 20% all the stuff you need to live.
Why? What proof is there? [SCOFFS.]
What proof? Uh, ever hear of miracles? Like what? [SCOFFS.]
Like what? Uh, like rainbows? The ability to taste chocolate? A baby's laugh? A baby's cry?! A baby's poop?! Anything to do with babies, really.
Hmm.
What else you got? Uh, trees, clouds, sun.
Should I go on? Moon! I went on! Science, science, science.
Should I go on? Science.
Okay, there are plenty of miracles that happen every day that can't just be explained away by science.
And the next time I see one, I am going to point it out to you, and you will have faith coming out of your God-given eyeballs.
Scissors.
Am I right? Ooh.
Ow! Damn Glossners got to it again.
Who was on watch duty last night? I made up a whole schedule.
Yeah, nobody's doing that.
We gotta call it on Frosty.
Putting him out there is a suicide mission.
Might as well just put a target on his back.
That's never where they get him.
[SIGHS.]
Those kids are messed up.
Oh, shoot.
I'm all out of roof.
Pace yourself.
You've been hitting that house a little hard.
I need comfort food.
Our son doesn't want to go to church.
What did we do wrong? We didn't do anything wrong.
He's older now.
He's starting to think for himself.
What is this "think for himself" crap? Did you put that in his head? You're spitting gingerman.
You're the one that was always saying, "We gotta bring the hammer down.
" Well, now it's time for you to bring the hammer down and bring it down hard.
He's an adult.
You can't tell an adult what to do.
[SCOFFS.]
Like hell I can't.
I'm telling you what to do right now.
I want you to bring that hammer down.
Yeah.
That's right.
I'm looking at you.
I don't care how tall you are.
You don't scare me.
You're gonna do what I say and get your boy to church.
Frankie, who am I to force him? I don't even know how much I believe.
I basically just go for you.
["THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS" PLAYS.]
What am I looking at? A miracle.
There is no scientific reason why a plant would be growing from the laundry-room floor.
Yes, there is Mom doesn't clean.
Now, if she cleaned, that would be a miracle.
Come get me when that happens.
Wha [SIGHS.]
Hey, you.
[GROANS.]
Mom, I am not in the mood for a guilt trip about church.
No, no, no.
I just wanted to hear about your job.
Oh.
Well, I start officially after the holidays.
I'm about halfway through the plumbing manual.
Ironically, it's good bathroom reading.
Or is that the opposite of ironically? Doesn't matter.
Don't need grammar for plumbing.
Hmm.
Think about it, Axl.
Of all the people trying for this job, you got it.
Something to be thankful for like a blessing.
- SUE: Or a miracle! - I got this, Sue! I knew you couldn't help yourself.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry.
I just don't know why you don't want to go.
Well, why do you want to go? No, no, no, no, no.
Don't turn this around on me.
I'm not the one on trial here.
- Oh, so I'm on trial? - Nobody said you're on trial.
You just said you're not the one on trial, so that makes me the one who is on trial.
Well, if one person wants to go to church and the other doesn't, you can bet your bippy that the one who doesn't is on trial.
That's just the way it works.
I don't make the rules.
Why can't you just have a normal, healthy dialogue about this? I mean, come on.
Why do you go to church? A million reasons.
I'm asking for one.
Uh [SCOFFS.]
'cause I'm supposed to.
Duh! Yeah.
You're supposed to go to Curves, but you don't do that.
Stop using my Curves example against me.
Um, okay, I also go 'cause church is social, and I get to see my friends.
What else? Uh, there's doughnuts after.
I get to dress up.
I already said you're supposed to, right? Singing! I get to sing.
Mm.
Yeah, I mean, these are all surfacy reasons.
Come on.
What's the real, deep-down reason you go to church? Mike was running out of patience and duct tape.
But he was gonna do whatever it took to beat the Glossners.
[SNORING.]
[SHIVERING.]
What's happening? [MOANING, SHIVERING.]
Oh, my God! You're freezing! Shh.
Warm me up.
Oh, get away from me! [SHIVERS.]
Just let me put my hands between your thighs.
I'm not interested in anything.
I promise.
I finally fell asleep after my head was spinning over Axl, and now I'm awake.
Thanks a lot.
They got us again, Frankie.
Oh, my God.
I could not even come up with a good reason why I go to church.
I mean, who am I? Is my whole life a lie? Just keep talking about it.
Don't No, don't mock me now, Mike.
I'm very upset.
I have to talk about this.
No, I want you to.
Your breath is hot.
- It feels good.
- No, you don't understand.
I'm the mother.
I'm supposed to be the spiritual center of the home.
Like, while you're out hunting and gathering, I'm supposed to make them righteous.
They're not righteous.
"Teach your children well.
" That's from Corinthians.
That's Crosby, Stills & Nash.
Why does it feel like there's sand in the bed? It's gingerbread window crumbs.
No, this whole time when I'm supposed to be caring about their spirituality, all I ever prayed for was for the girl I liked the most to be picked on "The Bachelor," which is a terrible waste of prayer.
By the time it airs, he's already picked her.
You tell me you have faith, right? You're a person who believes? - Yes.
- Okay.
Then you should believe that whatever happens is maybe the way God wants it to work out.
[SIGHS.]
You're right.
You're right.
I mean, at a certain point, it's out of my hands, and and all I can do is have faith that when we go to church tomorrow night Axl will be with us.
[SIGHS.]
Thanks.
That helps.
You're welcome.
Now I need you to help me.
I'm gonna put my feet on your feet.
It's gonna be bad for about 10 seconds, but then you're gonna start to breathe again, and everything's gonna be fine.
Just have faith.
After a fifth attack on the snowman, Mike finally found a spot where the Glossners couldn't get it just in time for the Christmas party.
Sue, the Donahues are here.
You need to bring out your Yankee Swap gift.
Okay.
[GASPS.]
Oh, no! Ohh, I stopped by the apartment yesterday after I bought my gift I must have left it there.
Well, you need to find something that's Christmasy.
Oh! How about the snow globe? My snow globe? You found it in the trash, Sue.
I like to think it found me.
Okay, well, whatever, but ticktock.
We're starting.
that was so deep [LAUGHTER.]
- Whoo! - Hi, Sue.
Merry Christmas.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
We drew numbers.
You're 5.
Sean's about to pick.
- He's number one.
- Ooh! Uh, yeah, he is.
Number-one son/ almost-doctor.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Whoo! Who should I see about a martini refill? - Ooh! - [LAUGHTER.]
Hmm, which one will it be? Oh! Really? Did you not see this bad boy right here? Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yum! I made those.
They're full of gluten and sugar and dairy and nuts.
I'm taking back dessert! - Ooh! - [LAUGHTER.]
Okay, Sean, now whoever goes next can either pick a new gift from the table or snag yours.
Who's second? That'd be me, and these be mine.
- [ALL CHEER.]
- Our first steal! - Ooh! - And it's mine! It's mine! I'm sorry.
Are the rules to not pick the nicest one? This is so much fun! Oh, gosh.
Yankee Swap, going to church.
It's almost like if you missed any one of them, it wouldn't be Christmas.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, Sean, pick again.
All right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Which one you gonna get? - Hmm - [CHUCKLES.]
Ooh, that one's pretty.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Wow.
Must be the old pretty-girl-at-the-prom syndrome that I've read about.
I'll never be at prom.
All-in-one tool.
Oh! Who bought that? I did.
It's supposed to be Christmasy.
It's red.
- I like it.
- Yeah! And I'm number three, so [LAUGHTER.]
I'm in upside-down land.
Things are getting exciting! Are they? Oh.
Me again.
[CHUCKLES.]
Um Ooh! Oh! Yay! Oh, that one's mine! I think you'll like it.
It's really special to me.
I'll tell you the whole story after you open it.
All right.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Oh.
Um I'm sorry, everybody.
I will be right back.
- Hmm.
- Doctor stuff.
Hmm.
[CHUCKLES.]
[THUD.]
What was that? I don't know.
[FOOTSTEPS ON ROOF.]
- Glossners.
- I hate those kids! You should see what they did to my Mrs.
Claus.
I'll get the front.
You get the back.
That's what they did to Mrs.
Claus! I-I don't know where Sean went off to.
It's not like him to be rude.
I'll go find him.
I'm next.
Should I just pick? I don't know.
We're kind of in a Yankee Swap holding pattern.
Isn't there a rule that if someone doesn't open theirs, we just move on to the most meticulously wrapped one on the table? I'll open Sean's for him.
He won't care.
Okay.
Here we go.
- All right.
- Let's see what it is.
What is it? [GASPS.]
Ooh! Aww, the snow globe.
Okay, Shelly, do you want Sean's, or do you want to pick a new one from the table? I'll take the snow globe.
- Okay! - I knew it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Here you go, sweetie.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, Sean.
Are you okay? Everybody's waiting for you.
What? Oh, I, uh I just got a text from a buddy, said grades were posted, and I checked them, and I didn't do so well.
Oh! Oh, gosh.
I'm sorry.
But it's probably not as bad as you think it is.
Sue, I got three B's and two two of those things that come after "B.
" Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[SIGHS.]
Okay, look.
I know this has gotta be really hard for you, but don't worry.
Axl got lots of C's, and he just got a job selling plumbing supplies.
[SIGHS.]
[GRUNTING.]
I'm gonna get you! Thanks, Mike.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I'm not at my physical best.
They tell me I got hit by a car last week.
Let go of me! Where's the snowman? Somebody took it off the roof.
- None of your damn business! - Hey, you little jerk! I saw what you did to Mrs.
Claus, and I can't unsee it.
Do you respect nothing?! You tell him, Mike.
I'm about to throw up Bwine.
[SIGHS.]
Look, you want to know why I kept putting the snowman back out there? It's not because I need a snowman in my front yard.
I'm not that guy.
It's 'cause I thought, at some point, you would realize that what you were doing was not right, but you never did.
Look, you're not in diapers anymore.
Okay, scratch that.
The point is, you've gotta figure out what kind of man you're gonna be.
[SIGHS.]
Sorry.
I just never had no daddy to tell me right from wrong.
I thought maybe you could tell me.
Well, you can blame your parents all you want, but at some point, it's on you.
But you didn't let me finish.
I thought maybe you can tell me, but you can't 'cause you're a woman! Should we go after him? No point.
But for a kid carrying a full load, he sure can run.
[SIGHS.]
Great party, Frankie.
I'm sorry we didn't get to finish the Yankee Swap, but we don't want to be late for church.
It's my favorite part of Christmas.
The whole family sitting together in the pew.
Yeah, us too! SHELLY: I really like the snow globe.
I want to give it to my friend Juliette.
She said some mean things to me, and I want to turn the other cheek.
Aww.
That's my sweet angel.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ron! Warm up the car! We're leaving! [SIGHS.]
Oh, Brick.
I'm actually happy nobody picked it.
They'd just rip it apart like a Philistine.
I'm gonna keep it just like this, put it up on my shelf, and admire it forever.
- Mm.
- [RINGTONE PLAYING.]
Is that your phone? I hate this game.
[GUITAR PLAYING.]
Okay.
So, uh, we're going to church.
Okay.
Okay.
[PLAYING RESUMES.]
Ma! No.
I'm not.
I'm not gonna get on your case anymore.
[SIGHS.]
Look.
I get it.
You know? I-I didn't want to go to church when I was your age, either.
It can be boring.
It can be super boring.
I mean, half the time, I don't even want to go now.
But, um, you asked me why I go, and, you know, I don't know.
Why the hell do I go? I mean, I guess I go because it makes me feel better when everything goes to crap around here.
You know, when the sink explodes or the dishwasher explodes or fill-in-the-blank explodes.
God has certainly given us a lot of opportunity to seek him out.
And, you know, if someone wants to lighten the load on my shoulders, then I am all for it.
It's just nice to know that somebody's got my back, and, um, I don't know, just to feel like I'm part of something bigger than this.
Yeah.
So, I guess that's a good reason to go.
It's good to know I don't go just for the doughnuts.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Anyway What's happening? Don't ask questions.
Let's just go.
What? Really? Are you gonna wear that? Never mind! It's all good! Donahues don't do this.
I've always been at the top of my class.
Maybe I shouldn't be a doctor.
I just T-The whole semester's been a struggle.
Well, yeah, of course it is.
It's supposed to be.
It's medical school.
It's hard.
I wouldn't want a doctor who went to an easy one.
But I got C's.
It's so average.
I've never been in the middle of the pack before.
Oh, well, I am all about the middle of the pack.
It happens to be my area of expertise.
Okay, and here's what I have learned You cannot compare yourself to anybody else.
You are your own unique you.
Everyone has their own path.
Yeah, but Okay, look.
You once told me I was a very special snowflake.
But you know what? So are you.
There is no one else like you.
You are gonna be so great.
And not because you're a Donahue, because you're you.
["WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS" PLAYS.]
Yep.
Sue was right.
Miracles happen every day.