The Middle s09e13 Episode Script

Mommapalooza

1 Stop listening to my phone calls! What Cindy and I discuss is private! Well, if you don't want me to listen, don't talk so close to the wall hole! Oh, yeah? Well, do you have to pray so loud at night? W It was for the dwindling rhino population! Oh, thank God.
You're finally gonna fix the wall.
Would you mind fixing my side first? I'm working on a rousing speech to stem the inexplicable mass exodus from font club.
I'm not fixing either side.
You are.
- What?! - Uh-oh.
I'm sick of you two fighting.
You're either patching the hole or patching your mouths.
I don't care which.
W But I came home to relax for the weekend.
You know, college students today are suffering record levels of anxiety due to the rise in parents' unrealistic expectations for success.
Let me put your mind at ease.
We don't care.
But this kind of repair is way out of my league.
I was only recently cleared to use scissors.
Hey, you two put the hole in the wall, you two are the ones that are gonna fix it.
[SIGHS] You know, we're still in the system with Child Protective Services.
I make one phone call Get it done.
Okay, here's your hat, backpack, lunch.
But I'm tired.
I was up all night watching Randy Poteat how-to-drywall videos on YouTube.
Can't I just stay home? Nope, gotta go to school.
That's the way the world works, Brick.
I can't just stay home all day and watch TV 'cause I'm tired.
FRANKIE: I lied.
[SIGHS] I was totally staying home all day and watching TV 'cause I was tired.
CISSY: Good morning, Orson! You picked a great day to join us.
Are you over 50? Ugh.
Yes.
Do you feel overwhelmed with clutter? Well, our friends in Sweden may have a solution for you.
It's called dostadning otherwise known as Swedish death cleaning.
- Swedish death cleaning? - Yeah.
Apparently, in Sweden, when you hit 50, you're supposed to start decluttering your life so you don't burden your loved ones with a bunch of stuff when you die.
I can't go back to the grocery begging for boxes again.
Even they know you're never gonna clean.
No, of course not.
I'm saying, as I was watching it, it hit me I'm that age.
I'm the age where the Swedes want me - to prepare for death.
- Come on, Frankie.
Last week it was the Greeks - and eating more olive oil.
- [SIGHS] Why can't we just live like Americans and die with a garage full of crap? No, you're missing the point.
I can't be at the stage where I'm supposed to start shutting everything down.
I haven't even started living! My life is halfway over and I don't have anything to show for it.
- Half? - [SIGHS] Look, haven't we already had this conversation? Didn't we go through this when you decided to quit selling cars and become a dental assistant? No, that was a job.
This is about my life having meaning about it being more than just what I do for work.
Well, you didn't really go to work today, so No, I'm telling you, Mike, vegging out on the couch all day was a real wake-up call.
It is time for me to start my third act.
Okay, just so I know, how many acts do you think are in this thing? [SIGHS] Okay, I've watched every Randy Poteat instructional drywall video on YouTube.
I know exactly what we have to do hire someone else to do it.
What? No, Brick, Dad is trying to teach us a lesson here.
This is our fault.
We busted the wall.
We should pay the consequences.
Well, you should.
I gotta go.
Oh, no, you're not getting out of this.
Well, I have an early class tomorrow.
You're the one who's done the research.
Just get started and I'll help you finish up when I can get back.
Am I the only one who believes in you? Yes.
Yes, you are.
Well [SIGHS] Oh, my God.
You are not gonna believe this.
Some of my equestrian friends from Carmel are going skiing in Sun Valley for the long weekend.
They wanna know if we're in on the condo.
We also have to send them a few of our favorite après dinner drinks.
I don't know what that means.
- It means "after.
" - Ah.
Well, then I can afford to go skiing après I win the lottery.
What? Come on.
We have to go.
It's my birthday! It was your birthday a week ago.
Yeah, that was one night, but at my house, we usually declare it Lexie Brooks month and we celebrate for 30 days.
Ah.
Well, at my house, we usually forget it's someone's birthday, then make a quick run to The Frugal Hoosier, where we end up with a cake that says, "Happy First Birthday, Joey.
" That actually happened once.
Okay, I understand.
It's just are we [SIGHS] Are we gonna have to, like, not do anything fun ever forever? What does that mean? I mean, I was totally fine staying in and getting pizza every night when we were both in college, but now that you have a real job and you're gonna be getting paid [SCOFFS] Do you have any idea how little entry-level plumbing supply salesmen make? Here, take a look at my bank account.
Oh, my God.
Where's the rest of it? Look, hopefully someday my balance will eventually reach a non-embarrassing level, but I will never be a big baller like your dad, with four different vacation houses.
- Five.
- Seriously? He just bought a ranch, but it's tiny.
It doesn't even have a motor court.
S-See what I'm saying? You've got ranches.
I'm sitting here gluing my shoe back together.
And it's not even Super Glue.
It's Frugal Hoosier Okay Glue.
I understand.
I really do.
That's why I wish that you would just let me pay for stuff.
Uch, I told you I'm not gonna be the guy who takes money from his girlfriend.
Sorry, Lex, but if you're with me, you're not getting someone who can go skiing and do all that "après" stuff.
But everything else you're getting is "après" -tty good.
[SIGHS] I'm gonna go get us some dinner I can afford.
I know it sucks for you not to be able to do all of the rich people stuff you like to do, but at least I have my dignity.
Okay, get this.
I was at the mall and I was walking by the area where all the kiosks are, and next to the hair-braiding one, in front of the old Ann Taylor Loft, there was this woman with a new kiosk, and she was a life coach.
That's where all your best life coaches are working a kiosk at the mall.
I'm telling you, this woman was incredible.
I told her my situation, and she got it, Mike.
She really got it.
We started talking, and she was able to pinpoint - all of my strongs.
- Your "strongs"? Yeah, it's a more forceful word for strengths.
It's a life-coaching thing.
You wouldn't understand.
So what do they call your weaknesses, your "weaks"? No.
They call those "stretches.
" Huh.
So what's it gonna be now? Restarting your beading business? Baking organic dog biscuits? Nope.
I'm gonna be a life coach.
W-Wait, what? You just went to see a life coach.
Yeah, I went to a life coach, and the life coach told me I should be a life coach.
So, four hours ago, you didn't know what to do with your life, but now you're gonna be telling other people what to do with theirs? Look, she said I was very empathetic and understanding, which are the exact qualities you need to be a life coach.
See, you are not empathetic.
I would identify that as one of your stretches.
Okay, just so you know, Randy Poteat is a fraud.
I should've been suspicious when he also had a video on how to give your cat a shot.
Brick, what are you talking about? Well, Randy said straightening the lines of the hole will make it easier to put on the drywall, so I made a few small cuts.
Brick, what have you done to my room? Tina? [GASPS] Brick! Yeah, but look how straight the lines are.
[SCOFFS] FRANKIE: So I set out to find clients for my life-coaching business and after a near arrest in the Dairy Queen parking lot, decided to try a place where people definitely needed to get a life.
G-55.
G as in Genesis.
Adam and Eve were in the book of Genesis The garden of Eden is where they met their nemesis Don't be tempted by the serpent.
[CLEARS THROAT] How would you like to wake up excited every day? Hi, I'm Frankie Heck, life coach.
N-31.
Yeah, I'm gonna need that card back, though.
I only made one till I know if I'm really gonna stick with it.
N as in Noah.
The ark was built by a guy called Noah He gathered up all the animals and said, "Let's go-ah" 40 days and 40 nights.
Bingo! Okay! Well, let's, uh let's take a short break so everybody can get some punch.
One announcement we found a lost denture plate in the women's room, so, ladies, keep your eyes on your teeth.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] Frankie Heck, I haven't seen you in a while.
And, uh, just so you know, there's no soliciting in the multipurpose room of the Lord.
Oh, hey, Reverend Timtom.
Oh, I wasn't soliciting anything.
Just making conversation.
[CHUCKLES] So, how ya been? Um, yeah, good.
Really good.
Uh, oh, Axl got his first real job, and it's Brick's big sophomore year, and, of course, every year is Sue's big year.
She gave it a name, something or other.
I can't remember, but it's good.
Well, you just told me how everybody else was, but I was really asking about you.
Oh, um Yeah, I'm great, I guess.
How are you? Oh, I'm a week away from opening my new show for teens I've been working on "Listen to your preacher.
Don't date your teacher.
" Really? Oh, that sounds great.
I love singing.
I used to sing you know, in the church choir.
And then I got some pretty good reviews as Ozian number 2 at the local theater.
I don't know if you happened to catch that.
Well, now, this could be God opening the window of opportunity.
I've got some harmonies in the new songs I wrote.
I always think that the message gets across better when sung in multiple tones.
Maybe you'd consider joining me.
Oh, pssh.
You don't want some old lady Singing songs [LAUGHS] I'm singing with Reverend Timtom! What happened to being a life coach? Yeah, that's out.
- I don't get it.
- What's not to get? I went to a life coach, I became a life coach, and I life-coached myself into becoming a singer.
Good thing I only made one business card.
[WHIRRING, HAMMERING] How's it going in there? Hey, Dad.
Everything's going good.
- You guys are getting along? - Yep.
Yep.
- We are in this thing together.
- That's right.
Whatever credit there is for this is shared equally between us.
Oh, no, Brick's being modest.
He's really done most of the work.
I'd say like 80%/20%.
Mm.
Okay, well, whatever you're hiding in there, just make sure you clean up afterwards.
We will.
But remember, quality takes time.
Measure twice, cut once.
A good carpenter never blames her tools.
Here's to good friends.
Tonight is kinda special.
All right, I'm out of here.
Hey, you wanna watch a movie when I get back? My treat.
I got Kenny's Hulu password.
- Sounds good.
- [CHUCKLES] Whoa! [LAUGHS] $100.
Oh, my God! That happens to me all the time! You know when you find money in your pocket from like a year ago? Lucky you! Huh.
Hey, Axl, did you order some steaks? Uh, no.
Hmm.
They must've been delivered here by accident.
Oh, well, we better eat 'em before they go bad.
Good thing I bought baked potatoes and a salad.
[DOOR CLOSES] What's this? Whoa.
Two tickets to see Demetri Martin.
For tonight.
Oh, my gosh.
Someone must have dropped them.
How lucky are we? We love him! At home or school or on the bus There's always a better word than a cuss You can check the Bible God never worked blue He used clean alliteration and so should you Don't curse.
[APPLAUSE] You guys! You guys! It went so well! The church liked our duo so much that they booked us for a run of shows every Tuesday in Multipurpose Room B until the Easter musical! That's pretty much residency, like Celine Dion in Las Vegas.
I can't believe this.
I am living my dream! To be fair, she works in a dental office.
Anything else is gonna seem fun.
- That's true.
- Yep.
I had never felt more alive.
And our gig that's what it's called "a gig" was going so well that Reverend Timtom booked us on a worldwide tour! Be careful on the World Wide Web Be certain of your Facebook friends That dreamboat you're in love with might not exist You've been catfished [APPLAUSE] So keep it clean and use your brain And be profound and not profane Don't curse! Sometimes it can seem like a chore Family dinner Uncomfortable and such a bore It's a winner So we ended our whirlwind tour, and I was exhausted.
We had traveled over 63 miles.
[ HORN BEEPS] Can I interest either of you in dessert? Um, I don't know.
Lexie, is it included in the "free dinner for two" gift certificate you just happened to win from the radio station? Which also just happened to be to the restaurant we both said we'd always love to go to.
It is.
Uh, we'll have two chocolate molten cakes.
Whoa! Where ya goin' with that, buddy? I'm gonna need that.
Axl, in a nice restaurant, they bring you another one.
Oh.
It's okay.
You don't know fancy places, but I'll teach you.
Oh, yeah? Planning to win a lot more contests for fancy dinners? All right, what is with you? You've been weird all night.
[SIGHS] I'm not an idiot, Lexie.
I've only seen $100 bill once in my life, concert tickets don't just fall on the ground, steaks don't magically appear at your door, and I don't know anyone under the age of 50 who listens to local radio.
Uh, I do.
I totally listen to local radio.
It's my jam.
Look, you either want to be with me and my bank account or you don't.
Of course I want to be with you.
I just don't understand why you have to be so stubborn.
I just don't want to be your trophy boy, okay? Well, I'm sorry, but when you love someone, - you want to be able to sh - Wait.
You love me? Oh, God.
Oh, it just kind of slipped out.
Is it too soon? Should I not have said it? Oh, my God.
Oh, um pretend I didn't say it.
I'm just gonna go die in a hole somewhere.
Lexie In nice restaurants, are you allowed to kiss? I, uh I love you, too.
Okay, so, what do we do? Dad didn't give us enough drywall to fix a hole this big.
He's gonna freak out.
I'm not gonna lie.
It's gonna be really rough for you.
Me? You're the one who did this.
Well, you're the older sister who left her little brother to do major home repair on his own.
Besides, if Dad flips out, I can just play the quirk card.
I shrug, I look confused, throw in a few whoops and whispers, lick something if I have to I'm off scot-free.
Oh, my God.
You're diabolical.
I am not diabolical.
[WHISPERS] Diabolical.
[NORMAL VOICE] It's so easy.
[WHISPERS] It's so easy.
[NORMAL VOICE] Okay, that one wasn't planned.
Ugh! Come on, think, Sue, think! [SIGHS] [GASPS] Wait! Ah "Sue Heck for Historian".
"Sue Heck for Library Representative".
"Sue Heck for Cafeteria Liaison"? Yeah, I tried to create an office for myself, and I still lost to a write-in.
Some guy named Joe Schmo.
How's this gonna help us? We use the poster board to fix the wall.
If we patch and paint it right, no one will ever know.
"Sue Heck for East Indy Student Council"? Oh, that one's for next week.
I really think I'm gonna get it.
Hmm.
- Ohh.
- Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh! I almost forgot.
I finally got my birthday card - from my parents.
- Mm! Today is the last day of Lexie Brooks Month.
"To our daughter on her 21st birthday.
The world is better because of your smile.
" Aww.
What's this? "Dearest Lexie.
When I turned 21, my dad gave me $40 and cut me off, and it was the greatest gift he ever gave me.
We believe in you and can't wait to see what you do.
Go out into the world and make us proud.
Love, Dad.
" Is this for real? They're not cutting me off, are they? I mean It's okay.
You're not used to being poor, but I will teach you.
[WHISPERS] What are you doing? - Sue? - SUE: Wait, so Lexie's cut off? Does this mean no more apartment? No more name-brand cereal? No more beignets flown in from New Orleans? No, Lexie talked to her parents.
They're still paying for the apartment and her tuition, but that's it.
But, hey, we shouldn't worry about Lexie 'cause Mom's gonna be a rock star, right? Then we'll all be rolling in it.
BRICK: I know, right? I don't get it.
It's like she's trying to recapture something she never captured in the first place.
I always thought of Reverend Timtom as a one-man show.
I'm worried this is gonna hurt his brand.
How 'bout that face she makes when she sings? The thing she does with her jaw? It looks like she's being electrocuted.
[LAUGHTER] Oh, did you guys see her in my hat? She looked ridiculous.
It's clearly a guy's Italian hat.
Worst part? She thinks it looks good.
[LAUGHTER] - She does.
- [DOORBELL RINGS] She does.
Just down the hall.
Hello, there, Frankie Heck.
Ready for our gig in Greencastle? Oh, I had to add a new verse to the anti-vaping song.
The studies are coming out faster than I can write.
Yeah, I-I don't think I'm gonna go.
I-I just have too much going on around here.
There's this whole Swedish cleaning philosophy I've been meaning to get into.
And, hey, you're better off without me.
Really? Huh.
Well, cheese and crackers.
That's too bad.
And I was working on a new song for us, too.
Oh, my God.
Reverend Timtom, you're here! Oh, I mean, oh, my gosh.
What the hell is with me? Oh, I mean, heck! What the heck is with me? Geez.
I mean Sue, it's fine.
I was just here to pick up your mom for our gig, but for some reason she thinks I'd be better off without her.
Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.
The whole thing's kind of silly.
I'm just gonna put on a robe and make dinner.
Oh, uh, grilled cheese and tomato soup for me.
- Make it two.
- Can I have one with tater tots? [SIGHS] Yeah.
Hey, you know, uh, before you do that, would you all mind giving a listen to my new song? I'd love to get some feedback on it.
Sure.
Moms are people, too She had hopes and dreams before she had you Like maybe The Virgin Mary wanted to play soccer Or travel the world on a whim But when Jesus came along, it all became about him And all the angels sang, "Moms are people, too" And how often do we say thank you? She could've been a shepherd or a fisherman Or maybe starred in a Broadway show But her family came first and she let it all go To drive you to school through the rain, sleet, and snow And use her own sleeve to wipe your runny nose It's not often a song hits that double sweet spot of being super catchy, while also making your family feel horrible for how they've treated you.
Yep, after that, they really supported me.
Moms are people, too She had hopes and dreams Okay, yeah, that didn't happen.
They weren't that supportive.
But they did give me a gift.
Of course, after a few weeks, it got left by the phone and turned into a message pad.
Then it got jelly spilled on it.
And then I dropped it in the tub and then I lost track of it.
And then I started dodging Reverend Timtom's phone calls 'cause it's a lot, you know? Plus, there's so much good TV on these days.
Wall-a! See, it sounds like I'm saying voilà, but I'm really saying wall-a.
Wall Anyway, the wall is done.
Thanks for stopping by.
Fantastic.
Couldn't have done it any better myself.
It's a little wet.
Okay.
Well, congratulations.
I'm impressed.
Yeah.
No need for compliments.
We learned our lesson, and that's all that really matters! Whoop! Whoop! Not my fault.
[WHISPERS] Not my fault.