The Middleman s01e08 Episode Script
The Ectoplasmic Panhellenic Investigation
[woman speaking over radio.]
Units, we have an attempted 374B in progress.
Niner niner, this is control.
We have a 27B-6.
What's up with the droid? - She's listening to chatter.
- Chatter? CIA, NSA, Interpol, local police.
They tend to ignore the important things, so we keep an ear to their frequencies for anything that might require our special touch.
Just how much "special touching" do we do? Remember the mutant llama invasion of '06? The second werewolf administration? - The day without wheat? - Wait.
The second werewolf administration? Vigilance is the name of the game.
There's a bogie in the reception area.
- Tyler.
- What in the gosh darn? [Ida.]
Tyler Ford.
Current address: 1812 Galaxy Avenue.
Relationship to the Middle-organization: former potential recruit who interfered with a covert operation while working as a busboy at The Booty Chest.
The pirate-themed sports bar with scantily-clad waitresses.
Pipe down.
I was just getting to the fun part where he got knocked in the head and stricken with two-day-amnesia while trying to save Wendy's keister.
Hm.
What's he doing here? Hopefully looking for me.
If he regained his memory he probably has a pantload of questions.
Questions I'd rather not answer.
I'll find out.
I'm gonna go say hi.
Wait, no.
Wendy, no, our secrecy.
Secrecy? Come on.
We walk around with fake badges and paper-thin cover stories and dorky uniforms and most people still don't believe any of the things we do.
Precisely.
Most people can be trusted to shrug off our presence, but Tyler Ford isn't most people.
We identified him as a possible Middleman and that makes him a danger.
When people like he start asking questions, - sometimes we have to take measures.
- Define "measures.
" A local reporter once asked too many questions about our parameters.
Days later he received a lucrative offer from a TV station in another town.
- That doesn't sound so bad.
- In Greenland.
I told young Tyler to scram.
You made the cute boy go bye bye? He didn't get his memory back.
Found our address in his appointment book.
Wanted help piecing together his missing two days.
You could have let me talk to him.
If he doesn't remember anything, what's the harm? Ida did right.
Any reminder about the events from that day could open a cerebral floodgate, causing him to regain his entire memory, and that can only mean one thing.
Greenland.
Everything's fine, Mom.
I do not sound "dour and forlorn.
" I'm just popping home to pick up some stuff.
- No, I did not get fired.
- Nice car.
I gotta call you back.
- Hi.
- She's a beauty.
Really.
I think the Smart Car is the greatest act of automotive engineering since the cuter, cuddlier, albeit less efficient Hruck Bugbear.
- Whoa.
- You OK? Uh I just got a massive case of the déjà vus.
Weird.
Anyway, do you live in this building? Uh, yeah.
This is gonna sound totally insane, but you seem really nice so maybe you can help me.
- [Middlewatch beeping.]
- Shoot.
A little while ago I was beaten by Lucha Libre wrestlers, left for dead in an alley and suffered two-day amnesia.
You still with me or did I lose you? I walk beside you.
Anyway, I'm on this quest to piece together my missing two days.
And your quest brought you here? I can't remember anything specific.
I just keep getting these weird feelings.
Like déjà vu? More like intense happiness coupled with a profound sense of giddiness.
This is the crazy part.
I'm pretty sure that during those two days I met my soulmate.
Soulmate? Really? - [Middlewatch beeping.]
- Could you excuse me? So you were saying something about a soulmate? Yeah.
Unfortunately Google can only do so much when you don't have a name.
Or a face.
But I got this in the mail.
- A check for 14.
73? - You ever heard of The Booty Chest? Pirate-themed sports bar with scantily-clad waitresses? Arrr.
I apparently worked there as a busboy for 90 minutes.
The manager confirmed that I flirted with one of the waitresses.
He even gave me her address.
- So you're here to see her? - Yeah.
But now I'm totally losing my nerve.
And I was hoping you could give me the scoop on the girl in 6B.
Is she single? - Do I have a shot in hell? - She's single.
And I'm pretty sure you have an excellent chance.
- Really? - I'm Wendy.
Wendy Watson.
I can't believe you know Lacey Thornfield.
Middleman Remember that dark and soulless day I spent peddling my goods at The Booty Chest? Rings a bell.
Well, you'll never guess who showed up at our doorstep looking for my booty.
Remember that cute busboy, Tyler? Tyler? Wow.
Really? Yeah.
Now here comes the awkward.
He asked me out.
Wow.
Really? That's your second "Wow really?" Which is International Wendy Code for "awkward.
" I sorta figured you'd have a problem with this.
I'm just surprised is all.
I didn't realize you'd gotten to know him.
Please tell Lacey hello from me.
And then tell her goodbye.
I'm afraid this is urgent.
Is that Pillow Lips? Tell him I'm over him.
Lacey says hey.
So, yeah, me and Tyler didn't talk much, but I guess I left an impression.
And to be honest he kinda left an impression on me too.
- Wow.
Really? - You're doing it again.
- Lacey, I gotta run.
- OK.
But call me when you get - What? - Please replay the message.
- [tape rewinding.]
- [man.]
Reitman University campus police.
- What's your emergency? - [man.]
Dude, oh God, oh God, oh God.
There is some seriously crunked up stuff over here! It's a ghost! A ghost! - She's coming after me! - [tape cuts off.]
Ghosts? Sweet.
Dubbie, there's nothing sweet about ghosts.
Spirits only linger in this world when they have unfinished business, violent, vengeful business.
But Casper's such a friendly guy.
It may all seem like light and magic at first, but the next thing you know the walls are bleeding and you've got 25 pregnant women running around screaming, "Mary, Mary, Mary" and clawing their eyes out with knitting needles while your own hair grows to three times its length and tries to strangle you.
That sounds specific.
I've got an address.
55 Ray Parker Jr.
Avenue.
The house is registered to an Omega Theta Nu.
Guys, I cracked the case.
That's a sorority.
This is a pledge stunt.
Good afternoon, sir.
We need a word with your incarcerated ghost caller.
I'm Dr.
Stantz and this is Dr.
Zeddemore with the parapsychology department.
The only people allowed near him are the Metro Police.
- Of the Metro Police.
- Let me go get him.
Is everything OK with Lacey? Yeah.
Totally fine.
I'd hate to think she were upset about Well, anything.
Oh.
Is that our prank caller? - Nice dress.
- You'd wear it too if it got you into Theta Theta Gamma fraternity.
- I seriously doubt that.
- Start at the beginning.
My pledge challenge was to boldly go where no man had gone before.
The third floor of the Omega Theta Nu sorority house.
And that's where you saw the ghost? I don't know if she had legs, but she definitely had arms, because she reached out for me.
- What did she say? - I dunno.
But I definitely heard the words "skank and whore.
" Are you going to arrest me? The campus cops said I'm in trouble for making a phony phone call.
But I swear, these boobs may be fake, but that emergency phone call was real.
Oh, man.
You're gonna rough me up.
I've got rights, you know.
Louis, I would never hit a man in a dress unless I had exhausted all other options.
Now relax and tell me how long you've had the gift.
- [beeping.]
- What gift? The ability to see and hear ghosts.
This was the first time.
Tell me about what's going on in your life.
Anything unusual? My freshman year has been totally normal.
I go to class, hang with the bros This boy has no pineal gland.
That's because I had brain surgery a few months back.
Might've been worth mentioning in the "anything unusual" portion of the question and answer period.
[Ida.]
This is interesting.
Louis' lack of a pineal gland allows his brain to receive low frequency vibrations.
Thus allowing him to see and hear ghosts.
Fascinating.
Can you construct something that duplicates the effect? - Certainly.
Scalpel.
- Ida.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm on it.
So what now? We head on over to Greek row? I wish it were that easy.
I know.
Strangling hair.
Walls bleeding.
Those things I can handle.
Dubbie, I can badge my way into Fort Knox.
I can talk my way into Lincoln's bedroom.
But a sorority house? When it comes to that forbidden stronghold of femininity, I'm afraid penetration is nearly impossible.
That's not what I've heard about the Omegas.
Oooh! Never mind.
I can get in.
- You can? - Sure.
Any out-of-town Omega can show up at the Reitman University chapter, slip the president the secret handshake, and ask to stay in the house.
And I can get the handshake from Lacey.
Her mom was an Omega.
Oh.
So everything is OK with you and Lacey? Yeah.
Everything's fine.
Sisters now We welcome you To Omega Theta Nu From where we come To where you roam Sisters forever You're always home Gonna need you to stop bouncing now.
Hey.
You asked for the full sorority experience.
This is what it was like growing up with Barbara Thornfield MD, PhD, Omega Theta Nu for a mother.
Never realized the full extent to which that woman psychologically damaged you.
Speaking of emotionally stunted - I'm not avoiding the Tyler topic.
- Yeah, you are.
But I get it.
If you like him, I'll back off.
So do you? Like him? - Do you? - I asked you first.
I'm not the one who got asked out.
But you're the one potentially blocking my ask out.
So you do want to go out with him? Yeah.
I do.
Then you should go out with him.
But do you like him? Honestly? I barely even remember the guy.
I hate the idea of sending you alone against an angry minion of the spirit world.
If I had the physique for it I'd pull on pumps, a flowery skirt and a pair of panty hose and go in there myself.
- Are these my Pineal Blockers? - You'll be able to see ghosts but unless you go through a Pineal-ectomy, you won't be able to hear them.
And be careful with those.
Ida constructed them with the last of our Nutrona Wands.
You break it, you bought it.
The girls come in.
They come out.
They talk in groups of variant size.
There's no pattern.
I don't like it.
That's because they are sorority girls, not Soviet spies.
Speaking of the Red Menace, while undercover, you will follow the Cold War spy method known as Moscow Rules.
The tenets by which America's agents of freedom survived under the Socialist yoke.
Moscow Rule number one, assume nothing.
Two.
Build in opportunity, use it sparingly.
Three, never go against your gut, it is your operational antenna.
Four, don't look back.
You are never completely alone.
Five, everyone is potentially under opposition control.
- Six - How many Moscow Rules are there? Fifteen.
Six, there is no limit to a human being's ability to rationalize the truth.
Seven, vary your pattern and stay within your cover.
Eight, any operation can be aborted.
If it feels wrong, it is wrong.
Nine, technology will always let you down.
Did you used to have an Irish Setter? Captain Sparks? Gotcha.
- Can I help you? - You Omega Theta betcha.
I'm Wendy.
I'm an Omega from State.
I'm just in town on vacay.
I was hoping to stay at the house.
That handshake won't work here.
I don't understand.
Here at Reitman we greet our sisters with hugs.
Welcome home, Wendy.
It's drafty in here.
I'll close the door.
[no audio.]
Are you ready for the grand tour? You couldn't have picked a better time to visit.
We're throwing a huge party.
We have a record number of houses coming, making Omega Theta Nu the social hub of the campus.
- I hope you like to party.
- You know it.
- Hey! - Are you OK, Wendy? Yeah, it's a new prescription.
I'm still getting used to it.
- Sorry.
- And you are? Wendy from State.
This is Alley.
- Hi.
Nice to meet - You go to State? I know your social chair from Nationals.
- What's your last name? - Watson.
But I'm not from this state.
I'm an Omega from the great state of, uh Alaska.
- What are you doing here? - Road trip.
Alley, maybe you could give Wendy a chance to relax before inappropriately grilling her.
Besides, I'd like you to meet our president, Dana.
Everything OK? Uh Could I use the little Omega Theta's room? Hey, Bossman, are you there? It's Wendy.
Moscow Rules.
No uncoded names on an open frequency.
This is the Gatekeeper.
Are you in, Keymaster? Keymaster here.
What's your status? My status is I'm in some deep ectoplasm.
I don't think these ghosts are ghosts.
There's human versions of them walking around.
I was just in a room standing next to a perfectly normal flesh-and-blood coed, who was talking to me and next to her, an apparition that looked like her! - Ghosts of the living! - Is that one of your snappy exclamations or are you just defining what we're up against? - A little of both.
- What do I do? I need all your readings and test results as soon as humanly possible.
- Pardon the bad pun.
- [sighs.]
Fantastic.
- Hey, guy I don't know.
- Hi, dude with the guitar.
I'm Tyler.
Friend of Lacey's.
- Special friend of Lacey's? - Hoping to be.
Got any knowledge? A special girl.
You're gonna have to sleep out in the rain if that's the way she wants it.
- Percy Sledge.
Very nice.
- What can I say? The man knows how to love a woman.
Even Michael Bolton couldn't ruin that song.
Don't tell anyone I said that.
Guy I don't know is starting to look like guy I've known my whole life.
OK, I think I've got your PKE Meter assembled.
Now attach the atrial inhibitor into the flux valve modulator.
Long pokey thing into the square stubby thing.
Got it.
Let's hunt some ghosts.
- [floor creaking.]
- Wait.
You hear that? - Our ghost friends? - My gut says human.
Never go against your gut, Gatekeeper.
Your gut is your operational Oh hey, Alley.
Watcha doin'? Hi.
I was just walking by.
That's weird because it sorta looks like you're eavesdropping.
Does it? Why are you all up in my Omega Theta business? Maybe I don't trust you are who you say you are.
[electronic beeping.]
You gonna check that? [scoffs.]
Oh man.
Today officially sucks.
Who's the hottie? You want to know my business? Fine.
"Tyler and me playing Stump the Band with Noser.
How cute is he?" I'm guessing Tyler is the guy you like.
And the girl in the picture is my best friend and roommate.
- Ouch.
- It's totally my fault, because I told her I didn't like him.
I know I haven't really earned the right to give advice, but I am really good at it.
Bizarre love triangles are, like, my specialty.
My best friend, Erica Maynard, is ensnared in the middle of this drama that would blow your mind.
OK.
Uh So last week I stopped Lacey, my roommate, from dating my boss uh, professor.
And you feel like you can't keep getting in her way? That's pretty selfless in theory.
But do you honestly think you can handle seeing Lacey and Tyler together? Not in any sane or rational way.
Look, I'm sorry if I came off harsh before.
Truce? Truce.
You do know the Omega Theta Nu handshake.
- Of course I do.
- We have to talk.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Eleanor.
Oh, is that someone calling my name? - I don't hear anything.
- Yeah, see ya.
Could you excuse me? [gasping.]
I'd like it duly noted that in an exercise of trust, I'm following you guys because you seem to want to communicate.
So please don't abuse that trust by killing me with my own hair.
So you're all officers.
You're all in the picture.
Um you're all walking around downstairs but your ghosts are all here with me.
Is that what you want me to see? - [girls silent.]
- OK.
OK, OK, OK.
Um, OK, uh Wait a minute.
You don't want me to see who's here.
You want me to see who's not here.
El.
.
Eleanor? [grunts.]
- [muffled.]
What are you doing? - [Middlewatch.]
Alert.
[muffled cries.]
Sister Wendy, we are so excited to welcome you to the Reitman University chapter of Omega Theta Nu.
Ladies, OK.
Sisters now We welcome you - To Omega Theta Nu - Theta Nu From where you come To where you roam Sisters forever You're always home Sisters now We welcome you - Act like everything is normal.
- What? This may be our only chance.
They're watching me.
- They don't know the cheer.
- They don't know any cheers.
Or remember traditions.
Not even the handshake.
I wanted to tell you, but Eleanor won't let me be alone with anyone.
The president brought her in two weeks ago.
Right around the time the whole executive board started acting weird.
They're acting like she's in charge.
- Eleanor's behind this.
I know she is.
- Behind what? - [car door slams.]
- Hey! Hey, big bro, what a pleasant surprise! Hey, sis.
Uh Afternoon ladies.
I apologize for the hasty entrance but Mother, our mother Different fathers.
- She had one crazy night in - Tijuana.
Tijuana? Mother asked me to pick you up to attend to a family emergency.
It was nice of you to rush over from your job with the campus police.
Yes, of course.
Keeping you safe.
Take back the night.
Come on, sis.
Hurry back, Wendy.
We'll miss you.
- I'm Cuban.
- Campus police? Why can't you be the illegitimate, disreputable one? Man, that Noser guy is mesmerizing.
He's like a one-man oasis of Zen in a desert of insanity.
I never thought I could play Stump the Band without hearing a single song.
So here we are at last.
- Sweet pad.
- Put your walking shoes on, I'll give you the tour.
Ready? Kitchen, dining room, living room, my room, performance art zone.
Ta-da! Uh-oh.
Oh, I knew you were too good to be true.
I can't even be friends with someone who likes The Zombies of Mora Tau.
Then it's lucky for me zombies are more of a Dub-Dub thing.
- What's a Dub-Dub? - Roommate.
Ah.
Wow.
Very nice.
Déjà vu.
These are the masher chumsuckers that attacked you.
- I'll turn it around.
- No, no, no.
It's good deja vu.
Instead of memories I get feelings.
And this one is really strong.
And it is helping me remember something specific.
That day at The Booty Chest.
I met an amazing girl Well, you already knew that part.
Yeah, but now I remember that I wanted to do this.
Eleanor June Draper.
Kid's got a record a mile long.
National Merit Scholar.
Recipient of the prestigious Egon Spengler Memorial Award for Excellence in Physics.
Short listed for the Ivo Shandor medal.
Fits the evil genius profile.
Fits the Middleman profile.
And we are in the market for someone who can actually complete a mission.
I was attacked.
With flowers and a song.
Wendy is right.
This has all the tawdry stench of a mad scientist.
It's a rare opportunity to confront one still in her nascent stage.
That's right.
How do you like me now? If our theory is correct who knows what Eleanor is capable of.
Or what else she has planned.
Dubbie, I only have one question.
How does an evil physics genius manufacture ghost versions of five women? How in the eyeglasses of Doctor T.
J.
Eckleburg did you manage to break yours when we so desperately need confirmation? Probably tried to smoke 'em.
Moscow Rule number nine.
Technology will always let you down.
We have no way of contacting those supernatural sorority bippies.
Moscow rule 11, always keep your options open.
[Louis.]
I'd better get to see some boobs out of this.
So, are "they" here? Oh.
Yeah.
OK, ladies.
I've brought an interpreter with me, so please answer all my questions clearly and slowly - and Louis here will translate.
- They say "OK.
" So, what the hell happened? [effeminate voice.]
We have no idea.
This whole thing is so crazy upsetting.
OK.
Uh So, what's the last thing you remember before going all ghosty? We all got invited to the Beta Wu Lavender Sweetheart Court.
Which is super weird because If you even say it's because I'm fat Nobody thinks you're fat, Nancy.
Hello issues.
I was going to say it's super weird because instead of telling us to go to the fraternity house, the invite said we should go to the physics complex across campus.
- You get that, Keymaster? Basement.
- Loud and clear, Gatekeeper.
Double doors, 36 steps from the elevator.
How in the hell do you know that? I like to count things.
It's comforting.
OK, superfreak.
And for the record you totally called me fat that time I wore a peasant blouse.
That's because everyone looks fat in a peasant blouse.
I'm totally sorry I implied you were fat.
I would never do anything to intentionally drive you to an eating disorder.
- Really? - Really.
I love you guys.
Group hug? [regular voice.]
They're hugging.
Gatekeeper? Gatekeeper! If you can hear me, I'm looking at five comatose females of a decidedly bookish type.
- I resent that.
- Eleanor Draper.
I see that you've met my friends from the physics dorm.
- Stop right there.
- Don't you want the grand tour before you shoot me? I know exactly what this is.
A Quantum Processor.
You built this to project the souls of your friends into the bodies of the Omegas.
I don't get it.
You're obviously brilliant.
Why attack a sorority? The Omegas are hedonistic, entitled - Wouldn't take you, would they, Eleanor? - I hate those exclusive sluts! So I built this machine and selected the bodies of the five alpha females to bring down their organization from within.
The Omegas are throwing a party, With my friends controlling the bodies of the executive board, the party will descend to a level of drunken carnality and debauchery that would make Caligula blush.
The university will have no choice but to shut down the house, perhaps even the Greek system, forever.
All of this to take down a sorority? My plan is sheer elegance in it's simplicity, isn't it? No! Then try this on for size.
Today Omega Theta Nu.
Tomorrow, the world.
This ends now.
Among other things, my machine runs on a frequency that blocks all radio communication.
Not to mention the neutering effect it has on positron glider blasts.
Moscow Rule number nine! Not all technology.
[machine whirring.]
[gasps.]
[squealing.]
- Boss! You OK? - Ah.
Wendy.
Hello.
I've been trying to get a hold of you.
What's going on? Uh.
Everything's under control.
Situation normal.
Really? 'Cause I just ran here in heels because I thought you were nerd jerky.
Why didn't you answer my calls? Calls.
As in the plural of call.
And heels.
As in why does my required crime-fighting uniform involve heels? Eleanor's Quantum Processor evidently jammed all our communication frequency.
It's an impressive machine on many levels.
- Great.
Let's go blow it up.
- Yes.
Blow it up.
Already done.
It's already done? And Eleanor? Did her too.
You've really got to work on your word choices.
But I'll bite.
- What did you do to her? - She's gone.
- Did you send her to Greenland? - Yeah.
- Our work here is done? - Mission accomplished.
I should check the girls.
They've gotta be having an Omega Theta meltdown.
Let's give them some time.
They're a little suspicious of outsiders right now.
Yeah.
You're probably right.
- Tyler.
- Wendy of The Smart Car.
Tyler of Lacey! And Tyler.
You didn't tell me you were also Dub-Dub of Apartment 6B.
Well, I'm a girl of many mysteries.
- We're going to the Vegan Palace.
Wanna - Wow.
Third wheel at a vegan restaurant? Now there's a Friday night.
But sadly, no can do.
I've got a hot date with The Zombies of Mora Tau.
So it's true.
Someone in the world actually likes that movie.
Something against zombie treasure protectors? How can any human harvest enjoyment from those gore-free sorry excuses for zombies? With a pint of ice cream in one hand and a can of Reddi-wip in the other.
All that movie did was remind the world how boring zombie movies were until [both.]
Night of The Living Dead.
Which is why I worship those gore-free little guys.
Just when I think I can't watch Night of The Living Dead one more time I watch Mora Tau and am so stunned by the sheer awfulness that I forget Living Dead ever existed.
Then I pop my old friend into the DVD player.
And it's like seeing it for the first time.
A zombie palate cleanser.
That's pure genius.
- So - Right.
Dinner.
The lady wants twigs and oats.
The lady shall eat twigs and oats.
- Later, Dub-Dub.
- Later.
Later.
[door shuts.]
[growling, commotion on TV.]
Great.
Now in addition to sucking, you guys also remind me of Tyler.
Awesome.
[dialing.]
I can't believe it's come to this.
- Hey, Alley? - Wendy? I hope I'm not catching you at a bad time, but I'm in serious need of a talk down.
- Tyler drama? - Like you wouldn't believe.
What's that noise? It sounds like Caligula is raging in the living room.
I don't know who Caligula is.
But if she's like a total drunken slut, then yeah.
But I'm all yours.
Tyler.
Roommate.
Bizarre love triangle.
Go.
I thought the party would be cancelled.
I guess you haven't talked to your brother.
My brother is at the party? [people shouting.]
Your brother is the party.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
Louis! What are you doing here? I'm being harassed by your boss.
He accosted me in the middle of OK, man.
Calm down.
He wants me to do this word for word.
Wendy, this is your boss.
Eleanor has inhabited my body and now I'm afraid my communication with you is only possible through this young vessel.
Oh you gotta be kidding me.
We must act quickly.
Now that I've experienced for myself what Eleanor is capable of, I fear she may not only be a threat to the Greek system but to the world at large.
No way.
I never trust a Greek bearing gifts.
I'm not going anywhere until you prove he's with you.
Boss, if you're floating around somewhere out there, say something only you know.
Dubbie, I'm afraid I can't divulge sensitive Middle-secrets through a civilian interpreter.
Let's go.
[dance music plays.]
Omega Theta Nu.
You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Call the campus police.
You want me to call the cops? No way.
I can't rat out the OK.
Stop being such a control freak.
Louis here will call the campus police while you look around for my body and sedate it.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm on Louis' side.
If the cops show up now, Omega gets their charter revoked and Eleanor wins.
Dubbie, there's too much at stake.
I'm afraid Omega Theta Nu is a necessary casualty for the sake of humanity.
This isn't just a house.
It's a home to these girls.
We can't take that away from them.
Oh man.
I really sucked down the Kool-Aid.
But come on.
There's gotta be another way to stop her.
Great Caesar's Ghost.
Does that mean something to you? He says you're absolutely right.
We'll use The Bio-Harmonic Universal Multi Module Emotional Re-Router.
It's in his trunk.
The BUMMER? [funky music plays.]
[laughing loudly.]
[electronic tone.]
[music changes to slow, organ music.]
[person whimpering.]
Stop right there.
Eleanor Draper.
Part of me is impressed you ruined my party with simple physics.
The other part will make you pay.
You're the one who's going to pay.
You're not gonna make me, like, fight that body, are you? Relax, boss.
I've got this one.
Your party's over, Eleanor.
Now get your little nerd soul out of my boss' body.
[chuckles.]
- I'm bigger than you are.
- True.
But you don't have Sensei Ping's training.
Muscle memory, bitch.
[man.]
Fight, fight! Dubbie, use the three terrors! Shut up! [screaming.]
[crowd exclaiming.]
Ouch! Hey! You think you're some hero beating on a girl? Why don't you take me on instead? Uh Uh-oh.
Omega down.
Hey.
You gotta get up.
Your boss is seriously freaking out.
[computer voice.]
Autopilot activated.
Now verify an identity.
Identity verified.
- What is your destination? - Uh What are my options? Church, the Creamery, top secret headquarters, the duck pond.
Top secret headquarters.
Get your filthy frat-boy paws off my unconscious sister.
Dubbie, my body is on its way to Ops.
Your body is gonna be on its way to jail if you don't back it up off my sister.
- Eleanor is on her way to headquarters.
- Pan-Hellenic headquarters? We have to stop her.
She could destroy the world.
We have to stop her.
She could get Omega's charter revoked.
[breathing fast.]
Ida, Ida, please acknowledge.
I'm in the middle of something.
Do not, I repeat, do not, let our boss inside headquarters.
He's being possessed by Eleanor.
I'm only going to say this once.
Lay off the doobage.
Do you need anything else from me before I leave for a nice evening with my husband and children? No.
Leave me.
Good night.
Listen to me.
That is not our boss.
No spit, Sherlock.
The little mutant's in Ops right now getting cozy with The HEYDAR.
I'd love to stop her but I can't very well give the boss' body two in the eyeballs, now can I? But I will take great pleasure in knocking her down with 80 CCs of sleepy-time juice.
[Middleman.]
Thanks for the heads up.
I created a sophisticated Quantum Processor using only raw materials from a public university.
Does it really surprise you that I hacked into your communication system? It's over, Eleanor.
'Cause guess what? You're trapped.
There's no way out of Ops without passing Ida.
Then I guess I won't be leaving Ops.
She's activating the panic room function and overloading the HEYDAR.
She's going to blow the place to kingdom come.
- [alarm blares.]
- [gasps.]
That'll teach you to mess with Eleanor Draper.
In five minutes this place will be nothing but rubble.
And my soul will automatically return to my body.
Too bad your boss' hunky flesh has to be destroyed for that to happen.
Ida? Ida, what's going on? - [bleeping.]
- Eleanor cut us off! It wasn't Eleanor who silenced The Middlewatch.
Standard operating procedure dictates that in case of penetration If you have a point I highly suggest you make it.
Ida ended your transmission.
She is engaging emergency incursion protocol.
Emergency incursion protocol? Right now she's crawling through the air vents, trying to stop her.
So, what do we do? Shots? I'm talking to him, not you, Louis.
God? We operate under a communications blackout until she successfully breaches the internal section of the Dude.
Slow down.
Something about Russia, and Ida getting to his body while we go the physics building to reverse the quantum thingy.
What's a quantum thingy? - [ringing.]
- He says that might be Ida on a secure line.
Is that your roommate and Tyler again? Lacey is dating Tyler? I'm sorry.
I didn't want you to find out like this.
I've had about enough of this.
Give me your phone.
- Hey.
What are you doing? - If you won't deal with this Hi, Lacey.
This is Alley.
I'm one of Wendy's sisters.
- Who? - Omega Theta Nu sister.
Good lord! Would you get off the phone? Wendy is too nice to say anything but I think you should know she really likes Tyler.
- What? - And if you were any friend at all you'd back off.
But I asked Wendy.
She said - Let's go.
- Give me that.
[alarm blaring.]
Holy Wachowski Brothers.
How do I reverse it? You have to trigger a total protonic reversal by crossing - How?! - Hit the red button.
- That's it? - Do it! [machine whirring.]
Ida.
It's me.
I'm not falling for that one again.
Mutant.
[alarm stops.]
Hello, ladies.
Please step out in an orderly fashion.
And if some of you need a reassuring hug, know that I'm here for you.
After careful consideration, the sisters of Omega Theta Nu have decided not to offer you a bid.
Are you gonna shoot her? That would be my preferred method of clean-up.
Unfortunately, my boss says it would be a waste to liquefy a brain with so much potential.
You are gonna love it in Greenland.
I'm sorry I punched you in the face.
Your punches were spot on today.
Really spot on.
- But that's not what I wanted - I know.
I'm avoiding.
But for what it's worth I'm sorry about the whole Lacey/Tyler thing.
I know it sucks.
I only care about her happiness.
But more than that, I care about yours.
If you're carrying an emotional burden It could interfere with the job and jeopardize both our lives.
I want to be there to help you carry it.
Dubbie, you and I are soldiers in arms.
Our lives are intertwined in a way that generally only happens in battle.
I think of you as a brother and in return you should feel comfortable speaking to me as if I were one of your woman friends.
Wow.
That analogy so did not go where I thought it was going.
But I appreciate the sentiment.
Now here comes the non-sentimental part.
Lay it on me.
Tyler is in your life now.
No, he's not.
He's in Lacey's.
And yours by association.
Tyler was a recruit of this organization and I'll admit his personal involvement in your life makes me nervous.
Your mission is to keep a watchful eye on him.
If he ever shows signs that his amnesia is lifting, I need to know about it.
Now, I know what I'm asking isn't easy.
But you can talk to me about it any time.
No avoiding.
No work emergencies.
We're gonna sit down and talk this out like the well-adjusted mature adults I know are in here somewhere.
- Tyler and I broke up.
- What? Lace, no.
He's such a great guy.
And I promise that my personal feelings for him won't deter me from feigning enthusiasm over your budding romance or even keep me from serving as your occasional third wheel at The Vegan Palace.
You would do that for me? Might have taken it too far with the vegan thing.
But the other stuff You're my best friend.
I want you to be happy.
Then I guess it's a shame I don't even have any feelings for him.
- Is that a lie? - You bet it is.
We're ridiculous.
That's just what maladjusted yet intensely loyal friends do for one another.
And for the record, Tyler and I both decided it wasn't working.
There was just no spark.
You know? Whereas you and him I mean, this guy is like your extra-curricular activity soulmate.
You think? He couldn't stop talking about you at dinner.
You might be one of my top five favorite topics of conversation but not on a date.
[sighs.]
It's OK.
You remember that speech you just gave me about putting all your personal feelings aside? I don't remember all the words but it was very lovely.
Just pretend I'm saying that back to you.
I think you're amazing.
But I can't date Tyler.
For a lot of reasons.
Dub-Dub, if you don't go get your man right now, I swear this'll be the last noble act of self-sacrifice you ever see from me.
- I don't think the guy you're looking for is home.
- I'm looking for you.
Then I'm sure he's not home.
Is that a Booty Chest bag? Um Don't judge me.
But after the whole vegan experience I was in desperate need of some animal.
- They do actually have good wings.
- No judgment.
I also needed a place to sit and clear my head.
- At a pirate-themed sports bar with scantily-clad waitresses? - You're judging.
All day long something didn't feel quite right.
So I wanted to go back to the scene of the crime.
See if it jogged some memories.
- And did it? - I still don't remember a damn thing.
But while I was mowing on my wings I got to talking to one of the busboys.
And it turns out that while I was there I didn't just meet a waitress at The Booty Chest.
I also met a girl pretending to be a waitress at The Booty Chest.
- Oh yeah? - It was you, wasn't it? So you're Wendy of the Smart Car.
Dub-Dub of 6B.
And the imposter of The Booty Chest.
I'm also the sorry sack with the busted Hruck Bugbear.
We met twice that day.
You know those vague giddy deja vu feelings I was having? Yeah.
They're kinda not-so-vague anymore.
Oh yeah? - You're not a vegan, are you? - No.
- Good.
Because I've got this bag of wings.
- I'm listening.
And I picked up a copy of The Zombies of Mora Tau on the way home.
If you like gore-free zombie treasure protectors.
Someone told me they make an excellent zombie palate cleanser.
That someone sounds pretty cool.
I think she might be.
[ Camphor: The Sweetest Tooth.]
Pickaxe syntax chipping at the sweetest tooth
Units, we have an attempted 374B in progress.
Niner niner, this is control.
We have a 27B-6.
What's up with the droid? - She's listening to chatter.
- Chatter? CIA, NSA, Interpol, local police.
They tend to ignore the important things, so we keep an ear to their frequencies for anything that might require our special touch.
Just how much "special touching" do we do? Remember the mutant llama invasion of '06? The second werewolf administration? - The day without wheat? - Wait.
The second werewolf administration? Vigilance is the name of the game.
There's a bogie in the reception area.
- Tyler.
- What in the gosh darn? [Ida.]
Tyler Ford.
Current address: 1812 Galaxy Avenue.
Relationship to the Middle-organization: former potential recruit who interfered with a covert operation while working as a busboy at The Booty Chest.
The pirate-themed sports bar with scantily-clad waitresses.
Pipe down.
I was just getting to the fun part where he got knocked in the head and stricken with two-day-amnesia while trying to save Wendy's keister.
Hm.
What's he doing here? Hopefully looking for me.
If he regained his memory he probably has a pantload of questions.
Questions I'd rather not answer.
I'll find out.
I'm gonna go say hi.
Wait, no.
Wendy, no, our secrecy.
Secrecy? Come on.
We walk around with fake badges and paper-thin cover stories and dorky uniforms and most people still don't believe any of the things we do.
Precisely.
Most people can be trusted to shrug off our presence, but Tyler Ford isn't most people.
We identified him as a possible Middleman and that makes him a danger.
When people like he start asking questions, - sometimes we have to take measures.
- Define "measures.
" A local reporter once asked too many questions about our parameters.
Days later he received a lucrative offer from a TV station in another town.
- That doesn't sound so bad.
- In Greenland.
I told young Tyler to scram.
You made the cute boy go bye bye? He didn't get his memory back.
Found our address in his appointment book.
Wanted help piecing together his missing two days.
You could have let me talk to him.
If he doesn't remember anything, what's the harm? Ida did right.
Any reminder about the events from that day could open a cerebral floodgate, causing him to regain his entire memory, and that can only mean one thing.
Greenland.
Everything's fine, Mom.
I do not sound "dour and forlorn.
" I'm just popping home to pick up some stuff.
- No, I did not get fired.
- Nice car.
I gotta call you back.
- Hi.
- She's a beauty.
Really.
I think the Smart Car is the greatest act of automotive engineering since the cuter, cuddlier, albeit less efficient Hruck Bugbear.
- Whoa.
- You OK? Uh I just got a massive case of the déjà vus.
Weird.
Anyway, do you live in this building? Uh, yeah.
This is gonna sound totally insane, but you seem really nice so maybe you can help me.
- [Middlewatch beeping.]
- Shoot.
A little while ago I was beaten by Lucha Libre wrestlers, left for dead in an alley and suffered two-day amnesia.
You still with me or did I lose you? I walk beside you.
Anyway, I'm on this quest to piece together my missing two days.
And your quest brought you here? I can't remember anything specific.
I just keep getting these weird feelings.
Like déjà vu? More like intense happiness coupled with a profound sense of giddiness.
This is the crazy part.
I'm pretty sure that during those two days I met my soulmate.
Soulmate? Really? - [Middlewatch beeping.]
- Could you excuse me? So you were saying something about a soulmate? Yeah.
Unfortunately Google can only do so much when you don't have a name.
Or a face.
But I got this in the mail.
- A check for 14.
73? - You ever heard of The Booty Chest? Pirate-themed sports bar with scantily-clad waitresses? Arrr.
I apparently worked there as a busboy for 90 minutes.
The manager confirmed that I flirted with one of the waitresses.
He even gave me her address.
- So you're here to see her? - Yeah.
But now I'm totally losing my nerve.
And I was hoping you could give me the scoop on the girl in 6B.
Is she single? - Do I have a shot in hell? - She's single.
And I'm pretty sure you have an excellent chance.
- Really? - I'm Wendy.
Wendy Watson.
I can't believe you know Lacey Thornfield.
Middleman Remember that dark and soulless day I spent peddling my goods at The Booty Chest? Rings a bell.
Well, you'll never guess who showed up at our doorstep looking for my booty.
Remember that cute busboy, Tyler? Tyler? Wow.
Really? Yeah.
Now here comes the awkward.
He asked me out.
Wow.
Really? That's your second "Wow really?" Which is International Wendy Code for "awkward.
" I sorta figured you'd have a problem with this.
I'm just surprised is all.
I didn't realize you'd gotten to know him.
Please tell Lacey hello from me.
And then tell her goodbye.
I'm afraid this is urgent.
Is that Pillow Lips? Tell him I'm over him.
Lacey says hey.
So, yeah, me and Tyler didn't talk much, but I guess I left an impression.
And to be honest he kinda left an impression on me too.
- Wow.
Really? - You're doing it again.
- Lacey, I gotta run.
- OK.
But call me when you get - What? - Please replay the message.
- [tape rewinding.]
- [man.]
Reitman University campus police.
- What's your emergency? - [man.]
Dude, oh God, oh God, oh God.
There is some seriously crunked up stuff over here! It's a ghost! A ghost! - She's coming after me! - [tape cuts off.]
Ghosts? Sweet.
Dubbie, there's nothing sweet about ghosts.
Spirits only linger in this world when they have unfinished business, violent, vengeful business.
But Casper's such a friendly guy.
It may all seem like light and magic at first, but the next thing you know the walls are bleeding and you've got 25 pregnant women running around screaming, "Mary, Mary, Mary" and clawing their eyes out with knitting needles while your own hair grows to three times its length and tries to strangle you.
That sounds specific.
I've got an address.
55 Ray Parker Jr.
Avenue.
The house is registered to an Omega Theta Nu.
Guys, I cracked the case.
That's a sorority.
This is a pledge stunt.
Good afternoon, sir.
We need a word with your incarcerated ghost caller.
I'm Dr.
Stantz and this is Dr.
Zeddemore with the parapsychology department.
The only people allowed near him are the Metro Police.
- Of the Metro Police.
- Let me go get him.
Is everything OK with Lacey? Yeah.
Totally fine.
I'd hate to think she were upset about Well, anything.
Oh.
Is that our prank caller? - Nice dress.
- You'd wear it too if it got you into Theta Theta Gamma fraternity.
- I seriously doubt that.
- Start at the beginning.
My pledge challenge was to boldly go where no man had gone before.
The third floor of the Omega Theta Nu sorority house.
And that's where you saw the ghost? I don't know if she had legs, but she definitely had arms, because she reached out for me.
- What did she say? - I dunno.
But I definitely heard the words "skank and whore.
" Are you going to arrest me? The campus cops said I'm in trouble for making a phony phone call.
But I swear, these boobs may be fake, but that emergency phone call was real.
Oh, man.
You're gonna rough me up.
I've got rights, you know.
Louis, I would never hit a man in a dress unless I had exhausted all other options.
Now relax and tell me how long you've had the gift.
- [beeping.]
- What gift? The ability to see and hear ghosts.
This was the first time.
Tell me about what's going on in your life.
Anything unusual? My freshman year has been totally normal.
I go to class, hang with the bros This boy has no pineal gland.
That's because I had brain surgery a few months back.
Might've been worth mentioning in the "anything unusual" portion of the question and answer period.
[Ida.]
This is interesting.
Louis' lack of a pineal gland allows his brain to receive low frequency vibrations.
Thus allowing him to see and hear ghosts.
Fascinating.
Can you construct something that duplicates the effect? - Certainly.
Scalpel.
- Ida.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm on it.
So what now? We head on over to Greek row? I wish it were that easy.
I know.
Strangling hair.
Walls bleeding.
Those things I can handle.
Dubbie, I can badge my way into Fort Knox.
I can talk my way into Lincoln's bedroom.
But a sorority house? When it comes to that forbidden stronghold of femininity, I'm afraid penetration is nearly impossible.
That's not what I've heard about the Omegas.
Oooh! Never mind.
I can get in.
- You can? - Sure.
Any out-of-town Omega can show up at the Reitman University chapter, slip the president the secret handshake, and ask to stay in the house.
And I can get the handshake from Lacey.
Her mom was an Omega.
Oh.
So everything is OK with you and Lacey? Yeah.
Everything's fine.
Sisters now We welcome you To Omega Theta Nu From where we come To where you roam Sisters forever You're always home Gonna need you to stop bouncing now.
Hey.
You asked for the full sorority experience.
This is what it was like growing up with Barbara Thornfield MD, PhD, Omega Theta Nu for a mother.
Never realized the full extent to which that woman psychologically damaged you.
Speaking of emotionally stunted - I'm not avoiding the Tyler topic.
- Yeah, you are.
But I get it.
If you like him, I'll back off.
So do you? Like him? - Do you? - I asked you first.
I'm not the one who got asked out.
But you're the one potentially blocking my ask out.
So you do want to go out with him? Yeah.
I do.
Then you should go out with him.
But do you like him? Honestly? I barely even remember the guy.
I hate the idea of sending you alone against an angry minion of the spirit world.
If I had the physique for it I'd pull on pumps, a flowery skirt and a pair of panty hose and go in there myself.
- Are these my Pineal Blockers? - You'll be able to see ghosts but unless you go through a Pineal-ectomy, you won't be able to hear them.
And be careful with those.
Ida constructed them with the last of our Nutrona Wands.
You break it, you bought it.
The girls come in.
They come out.
They talk in groups of variant size.
There's no pattern.
I don't like it.
That's because they are sorority girls, not Soviet spies.
Speaking of the Red Menace, while undercover, you will follow the Cold War spy method known as Moscow Rules.
The tenets by which America's agents of freedom survived under the Socialist yoke.
Moscow Rule number one, assume nothing.
Two.
Build in opportunity, use it sparingly.
Three, never go against your gut, it is your operational antenna.
Four, don't look back.
You are never completely alone.
Five, everyone is potentially under opposition control.
- Six - How many Moscow Rules are there? Fifteen.
Six, there is no limit to a human being's ability to rationalize the truth.
Seven, vary your pattern and stay within your cover.
Eight, any operation can be aborted.
If it feels wrong, it is wrong.
Nine, technology will always let you down.
Did you used to have an Irish Setter? Captain Sparks? Gotcha.
- Can I help you? - You Omega Theta betcha.
I'm Wendy.
I'm an Omega from State.
I'm just in town on vacay.
I was hoping to stay at the house.
That handshake won't work here.
I don't understand.
Here at Reitman we greet our sisters with hugs.
Welcome home, Wendy.
It's drafty in here.
I'll close the door.
[no audio.]
Are you ready for the grand tour? You couldn't have picked a better time to visit.
We're throwing a huge party.
We have a record number of houses coming, making Omega Theta Nu the social hub of the campus.
- I hope you like to party.
- You know it.
- Hey! - Are you OK, Wendy? Yeah, it's a new prescription.
I'm still getting used to it.
- Sorry.
- And you are? Wendy from State.
This is Alley.
- Hi.
Nice to meet - You go to State? I know your social chair from Nationals.
- What's your last name? - Watson.
But I'm not from this state.
I'm an Omega from the great state of, uh Alaska.
- What are you doing here? - Road trip.
Alley, maybe you could give Wendy a chance to relax before inappropriately grilling her.
Besides, I'd like you to meet our president, Dana.
Everything OK? Uh Could I use the little Omega Theta's room? Hey, Bossman, are you there? It's Wendy.
Moscow Rules.
No uncoded names on an open frequency.
This is the Gatekeeper.
Are you in, Keymaster? Keymaster here.
What's your status? My status is I'm in some deep ectoplasm.
I don't think these ghosts are ghosts.
There's human versions of them walking around.
I was just in a room standing next to a perfectly normal flesh-and-blood coed, who was talking to me and next to her, an apparition that looked like her! - Ghosts of the living! - Is that one of your snappy exclamations or are you just defining what we're up against? - A little of both.
- What do I do? I need all your readings and test results as soon as humanly possible.
- Pardon the bad pun.
- [sighs.]
Fantastic.
- Hey, guy I don't know.
- Hi, dude with the guitar.
I'm Tyler.
Friend of Lacey's.
- Special friend of Lacey's? - Hoping to be.
Got any knowledge? A special girl.
You're gonna have to sleep out in the rain if that's the way she wants it.
- Percy Sledge.
Very nice.
- What can I say? The man knows how to love a woman.
Even Michael Bolton couldn't ruin that song.
Don't tell anyone I said that.
Guy I don't know is starting to look like guy I've known my whole life.
OK, I think I've got your PKE Meter assembled.
Now attach the atrial inhibitor into the flux valve modulator.
Long pokey thing into the square stubby thing.
Got it.
Let's hunt some ghosts.
- [floor creaking.]
- Wait.
You hear that? - Our ghost friends? - My gut says human.
Never go against your gut, Gatekeeper.
Your gut is your operational Oh hey, Alley.
Watcha doin'? Hi.
I was just walking by.
That's weird because it sorta looks like you're eavesdropping.
Does it? Why are you all up in my Omega Theta business? Maybe I don't trust you are who you say you are.
[electronic beeping.]
You gonna check that? [scoffs.]
Oh man.
Today officially sucks.
Who's the hottie? You want to know my business? Fine.
"Tyler and me playing Stump the Band with Noser.
How cute is he?" I'm guessing Tyler is the guy you like.
And the girl in the picture is my best friend and roommate.
- Ouch.
- It's totally my fault, because I told her I didn't like him.
I know I haven't really earned the right to give advice, but I am really good at it.
Bizarre love triangles are, like, my specialty.
My best friend, Erica Maynard, is ensnared in the middle of this drama that would blow your mind.
OK.
Uh So last week I stopped Lacey, my roommate, from dating my boss uh, professor.
And you feel like you can't keep getting in her way? That's pretty selfless in theory.
But do you honestly think you can handle seeing Lacey and Tyler together? Not in any sane or rational way.
Look, I'm sorry if I came off harsh before.
Truce? Truce.
You do know the Omega Theta Nu handshake.
- Of course I do.
- We have to talk.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Eleanor.
Oh, is that someone calling my name? - I don't hear anything.
- Yeah, see ya.
Could you excuse me? [gasping.]
I'd like it duly noted that in an exercise of trust, I'm following you guys because you seem to want to communicate.
So please don't abuse that trust by killing me with my own hair.
So you're all officers.
You're all in the picture.
Um you're all walking around downstairs but your ghosts are all here with me.
Is that what you want me to see? - [girls silent.]
- OK.
OK, OK, OK.
Um, OK, uh Wait a minute.
You don't want me to see who's here.
You want me to see who's not here.
El.
.
Eleanor? [grunts.]
- [muffled.]
What are you doing? - [Middlewatch.]
Alert.
[muffled cries.]
Sister Wendy, we are so excited to welcome you to the Reitman University chapter of Omega Theta Nu.
Ladies, OK.
Sisters now We welcome you - To Omega Theta Nu - Theta Nu From where you come To where you roam Sisters forever You're always home Sisters now We welcome you - Act like everything is normal.
- What? This may be our only chance.
They're watching me.
- They don't know the cheer.
- They don't know any cheers.
Or remember traditions.
Not even the handshake.
I wanted to tell you, but Eleanor won't let me be alone with anyone.
The president brought her in two weeks ago.
Right around the time the whole executive board started acting weird.
They're acting like she's in charge.
- Eleanor's behind this.
I know she is.
- Behind what? - [car door slams.]
- Hey! Hey, big bro, what a pleasant surprise! Hey, sis.
Uh Afternoon ladies.
I apologize for the hasty entrance but Mother, our mother Different fathers.
- She had one crazy night in - Tijuana.
Tijuana? Mother asked me to pick you up to attend to a family emergency.
It was nice of you to rush over from your job with the campus police.
Yes, of course.
Keeping you safe.
Take back the night.
Come on, sis.
Hurry back, Wendy.
We'll miss you.
- I'm Cuban.
- Campus police? Why can't you be the illegitimate, disreputable one? Man, that Noser guy is mesmerizing.
He's like a one-man oasis of Zen in a desert of insanity.
I never thought I could play Stump the Band without hearing a single song.
So here we are at last.
- Sweet pad.
- Put your walking shoes on, I'll give you the tour.
Ready? Kitchen, dining room, living room, my room, performance art zone.
Ta-da! Uh-oh.
Oh, I knew you were too good to be true.
I can't even be friends with someone who likes The Zombies of Mora Tau.
Then it's lucky for me zombies are more of a Dub-Dub thing.
- What's a Dub-Dub? - Roommate.
Ah.
Wow.
Very nice.
Déjà vu.
These are the masher chumsuckers that attacked you.
- I'll turn it around.
- No, no, no.
It's good deja vu.
Instead of memories I get feelings.
And this one is really strong.
And it is helping me remember something specific.
That day at The Booty Chest.
I met an amazing girl Well, you already knew that part.
Yeah, but now I remember that I wanted to do this.
Eleanor June Draper.
Kid's got a record a mile long.
National Merit Scholar.
Recipient of the prestigious Egon Spengler Memorial Award for Excellence in Physics.
Short listed for the Ivo Shandor medal.
Fits the evil genius profile.
Fits the Middleman profile.
And we are in the market for someone who can actually complete a mission.
I was attacked.
With flowers and a song.
Wendy is right.
This has all the tawdry stench of a mad scientist.
It's a rare opportunity to confront one still in her nascent stage.
That's right.
How do you like me now? If our theory is correct who knows what Eleanor is capable of.
Or what else she has planned.
Dubbie, I only have one question.
How does an evil physics genius manufacture ghost versions of five women? How in the eyeglasses of Doctor T.
J.
Eckleburg did you manage to break yours when we so desperately need confirmation? Probably tried to smoke 'em.
Moscow Rule number nine.
Technology will always let you down.
We have no way of contacting those supernatural sorority bippies.
Moscow rule 11, always keep your options open.
[Louis.]
I'd better get to see some boobs out of this.
So, are "they" here? Oh.
Yeah.
OK, ladies.
I've brought an interpreter with me, so please answer all my questions clearly and slowly - and Louis here will translate.
- They say "OK.
" So, what the hell happened? [effeminate voice.]
We have no idea.
This whole thing is so crazy upsetting.
OK.
Uh So, what's the last thing you remember before going all ghosty? We all got invited to the Beta Wu Lavender Sweetheart Court.
Which is super weird because If you even say it's because I'm fat Nobody thinks you're fat, Nancy.
Hello issues.
I was going to say it's super weird because instead of telling us to go to the fraternity house, the invite said we should go to the physics complex across campus.
- You get that, Keymaster? Basement.
- Loud and clear, Gatekeeper.
Double doors, 36 steps from the elevator.
How in the hell do you know that? I like to count things.
It's comforting.
OK, superfreak.
And for the record you totally called me fat that time I wore a peasant blouse.
That's because everyone looks fat in a peasant blouse.
I'm totally sorry I implied you were fat.
I would never do anything to intentionally drive you to an eating disorder.
- Really? - Really.
I love you guys.
Group hug? [regular voice.]
They're hugging.
Gatekeeper? Gatekeeper! If you can hear me, I'm looking at five comatose females of a decidedly bookish type.
- I resent that.
- Eleanor Draper.
I see that you've met my friends from the physics dorm.
- Stop right there.
- Don't you want the grand tour before you shoot me? I know exactly what this is.
A Quantum Processor.
You built this to project the souls of your friends into the bodies of the Omegas.
I don't get it.
You're obviously brilliant.
Why attack a sorority? The Omegas are hedonistic, entitled - Wouldn't take you, would they, Eleanor? - I hate those exclusive sluts! So I built this machine and selected the bodies of the five alpha females to bring down their organization from within.
The Omegas are throwing a party, With my friends controlling the bodies of the executive board, the party will descend to a level of drunken carnality and debauchery that would make Caligula blush.
The university will have no choice but to shut down the house, perhaps even the Greek system, forever.
All of this to take down a sorority? My plan is sheer elegance in it's simplicity, isn't it? No! Then try this on for size.
Today Omega Theta Nu.
Tomorrow, the world.
This ends now.
Among other things, my machine runs on a frequency that blocks all radio communication.
Not to mention the neutering effect it has on positron glider blasts.
Moscow Rule number nine! Not all technology.
[machine whirring.]
[gasps.]
[squealing.]
- Boss! You OK? - Ah.
Wendy.
Hello.
I've been trying to get a hold of you.
What's going on? Uh.
Everything's under control.
Situation normal.
Really? 'Cause I just ran here in heels because I thought you were nerd jerky.
Why didn't you answer my calls? Calls.
As in the plural of call.
And heels.
As in why does my required crime-fighting uniform involve heels? Eleanor's Quantum Processor evidently jammed all our communication frequency.
It's an impressive machine on many levels.
- Great.
Let's go blow it up.
- Yes.
Blow it up.
Already done.
It's already done? And Eleanor? Did her too.
You've really got to work on your word choices.
But I'll bite.
- What did you do to her? - She's gone.
- Did you send her to Greenland? - Yeah.
- Our work here is done? - Mission accomplished.
I should check the girls.
They've gotta be having an Omega Theta meltdown.
Let's give them some time.
They're a little suspicious of outsiders right now.
Yeah.
You're probably right.
- Tyler.
- Wendy of The Smart Car.
Tyler of Lacey! And Tyler.
You didn't tell me you were also Dub-Dub of Apartment 6B.
Well, I'm a girl of many mysteries.
- We're going to the Vegan Palace.
Wanna - Wow.
Third wheel at a vegan restaurant? Now there's a Friday night.
But sadly, no can do.
I've got a hot date with The Zombies of Mora Tau.
So it's true.
Someone in the world actually likes that movie.
Something against zombie treasure protectors? How can any human harvest enjoyment from those gore-free sorry excuses for zombies? With a pint of ice cream in one hand and a can of Reddi-wip in the other.
All that movie did was remind the world how boring zombie movies were until [both.]
Night of The Living Dead.
Which is why I worship those gore-free little guys.
Just when I think I can't watch Night of The Living Dead one more time I watch Mora Tau and am so stunned by the sheer awfulness that I forget Living Dead ever existed.
Then I pop my old friend into the DVD player.
And it's like seeing it for the first time.
A zombie palate cleanser.
That's pure genius.
- So - Right.
Dinner.
The lady wants twigs and oats.
The lady shall eat twigs and oats.
- Later, Dub-Dub.
- Later.
Later.
[door shuts.]
[growling, commotion on TV.]
Great.
Now in addition to sucking, you guys also remind me of Tyler.
Awesome.
[dialing.]
I can't believe it's come to this.
- Hey, Alley? - Wendy? I hope I'm not catching you at a bad time, but I'm in serious need of a talk down.
- Tyler drama? - Like you wouldn't believe.
What's that noise? It sounds like Caligula is raging in the living room.
I don't know who Caligula is.
But if she's like a total drunken slut, then yeah.
But I'm all yours.
Tyler.
Roommate.
Bizarre love triangle.
Go.
I thought the party would be cancelled.
I guess you haven't talked to your brother.
My brother is at the party? [people shouting.]
Your brother is the party.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
Louis! What are you doing here? I'm being harassed by your boss.
He accosted me in the middle of OK, man.
Calm down.
He wants me to do this word for word.
Wendy, this is your boss.
Eleanor has inhabited my body and now I'm afraid my communication with you is only possible through this young vessel.
Oh you gotta be kidding me.
We must act quickly.
Now that I've experienced for myself what Eleanor is capable of, I fear she may not only be a threat to the Greek system but to the world at large.
No way.
I never trust a Greek bearing gifts.
I'm not going anywhere until you prove he's with you.
Boss, if you're floating around somewhere out there, say something only you know.
Dubbie, I'm afraid I can't divulge sensitive Middle-secrets through a civilian interpreter.
Let's go.
[dance music plays.]
Omega Theta Nu.
You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Call the campus police.
You want me to call the cops? No way.
I can't rat out the OK.
Stop being such a control freak.
Louis here will call the campus police while you look around for my body and sedate it.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm on Louis' side.
If the cops show up now, Omega gets their charter revoked and Eleanor wins.
Dubbie, there's too much at stake.
I'm afraid Omega Theta Nu is a necessary casualty for the sake of humanity.
This isn't just a house.
It's a home to these girls.
We can't take that away from them.
Oh man.
I really sucked down the Kool-Aid.
But come on.
There's gotta be another way to stop her.
Great Caesar's Ghost.
Does that mean something to you? He says you're absolutely right.
We'll use The Bio-Harmonic Universal Multi Module Emotional Re-Router.
It's in his trunk.
The BUMMER? [funky music plays.]
[laughing loudly.]
[electronic tone.]
[music changes to slow, organ music.]
[person whimpering.]
Stop right there.
Eleanor Draper.
Part of me is impressed you ruined my party with simple physics.
The other part will make you pay.
You're the one who's going to pay.
You're not gonna make me, like, fight that body, are you? Relax, boss.
I've got this one.
Your party's over, Eleanor.
Now get your little nerd soul out of my boss' body.
[chuckles.]
- I'm bigger than you are.
- True.
But you don't have Sensei Ping's training.
Muscle memory, bitch.
[man.]
Fight, fight! Dubbie, use the three terrors! Shut up! [screaming.]
[crowd exclaiming.]
Ouch! Hey! You think you're some hero beating on a girl? Why don't you take me on instead? Uh Uh-oh.
Omega down.
Hey.
You gotta get up.
Your boss is seriously freaking out.
[computer voice.]
Autopilot activated.
Now verify an identity.
Identity verified.
- What is your destination? - Uh What are my options? Church, the Creamery, top secret headquarters, the duck pond.
Top secret headquarters.
Get your filthy frat-boy paws off my unconscious sister.
Dubbie, my body is on its way to Ops.
Your body is gonna be on its way to jail if you don't back it up off my sister.
- Eleanor is on her way to headquarters.
- Pan-Hellenic headquarters? We have to stop her.
She could destroy the world.
We have to stop her.
She could get Omega's charter revoked.
[breathing fast.]
Ida, Ida, please acknowledge.
I'm in the middle of something.
Do not, I repeat, do not, let our boss inside headquarters.
He's being possessed by Eleanor.
I'm only going to say this once.
Lay off the doobage.
Do you need anything else from me before I leave for a nice evening with my husband and children? No.
Leave me.
Good night.
Listen to me.
That is not our boss.
No spit, Sherlock.
The little mutant's in Ops right now getting cozy with The HEYDAR.
I'd love to stop her but I can't very well give the boss' body two in the eyeballs, now can I? But I will take great pleasure in knocking her down with 80 CCs of sleepy-time juice.
[Middleman.]
Thanks for the heads up.
I created a sophisticated Quantum Processor using only raw materials from a public university.
Does it really surprise you that I hacked into your communication system? It's over, Eleanor.
'Cause guess what? You're trapped.
There's no way out of Ops without passing Ida.
Then I guess I won't be leaving Ops.
She's activating the panic room function and overloading the HEYDAR.
She's going to blow the place to kingdom come.
- [alarm blares.]
- [gasps.]
That'll teach you to mess with Eleanor Draper.
In five minutes this place will be nothing but rubble.
And my soul will automatically return to my body.
Too bad your boss' hunky flesh has to be destroyed for that to happen.
Ida? Ida, what's going on? - [bleeping.]
- Eleanor cut us off! It wasn't Eleanor who silenced The Middlewatch.
Standard operating procedure dictates that in case of penetration If you have a point I highly suggest you make it.
Ida ended your transmission.
She is engaging emergency incursion protocol.
Emergency incursion protocol? Right now she's crawling through the air vents, trying to stop her.
So, what do we do? Shots? I'm talking to him, not you, Louis.
God? We operate under a communications blackout until she successfully breaches the internal section of the Dude.
Slow down.
Something about Russia, and Ida getting to his body while we go the physics building to reverse the quantum thingy.
What's a quantum thingy? - [ringing.]
- He says that might be Ida on a secure line.
Is that your roommate and Tyler again? Lacey is dating Tyler? I'm sorry.
I didn't want you to find out like this.
I've had about enough of this.
Give me your phone.
- Hey.
What are you doing? - If you won't deal with this Hi, Lacey.
This is Alley.
I'm one of Wendy's sisters.
- Who? - Omega Theta Nu sister.
Good lord! Would you get off the phone? Wendy is too nice to say anything but I think you should know she really likes Tyler.
- What? - And if you were any friend at all you'd back off.
But I asked Wendy.
She said - Let's go.
- Give me that.
[alarm blaring.]
Holy Wachowski Brothers.
How do I reverse it? You have to trigger a total protonic reversal by crossing - How?! - Hit the red button.
- That's it? - Do it! [machine whirring.]
Ida.
It's me.
I'm not falling for that one again.
Mutant.
[alarm stops.]
Hello, ladies.
Please step out in an orderly fashion.
And if some of you need a reassuring hug, know that I'm here for you.
After careful consideration, the sisters of Omega Theta Nu have decided not to offer you a bid.
Are you gonna shoot her? That would be my preferred method of clean-up.
Unfortunately, my boss says it would be a waste to liquefy a brain with so much potential.
You are gonna love it in Greenland.
I'm sorry I punched you in the face.
Your punches were spot on today.
Really spot on.
- But that's not what I wanted - I know.
I'm avoiding.
But for what it's worth I'm sorry about the whole Lacey/Tyler thing.
I know it sucks.
I only care about her happiness.
But more than that, I care about yours.
If you're carrying an emotional burden It could interfere with the job and jeopardize both our lives.
I want to be there to help you carry it.
Dubbie, you and I are soldiers in arms.
Our lives are intertwined in a way that generally only happens in battle.
I think of you as a brother and in return you should feel comfortable speaking to me as if I were one of your woman friends.
Wow.
That analogy so did not go where I thought it was going.
But I appreciate the sentiment.
Now here comes the non-sentimental part.
Lay it on me.
Tyler is in your life now.
No, he's not.
He's in Lacey's.
And yours by association.
Tyler was a recruit of this organization and I'll admit his personal involvement in your life makes me nervous.
Your mission is to keep a watchful eye on him.
If he ever shows signs that his amnesia is lifting, I need to know about it.
Now, I know what I'm asking isn't easy.
But you can talk to me about it any time.
No avoiding.
No work emergencies.
We're gonna sit down and talk this out like the well-adjusted mature adults I know are in here somewhere.
- Tyler and I broke up.
- What? Lace, no.
He's such a great guy.
And I promise that my personal feelings for him won't deter me from feigning enthusiasm over your budding romance or even keep me from serving as your occasional third wheel at The Vegan Palace.
You would do that for me? Might have taken it too far with the vegan thing.
But the other stuff You're my best friend.
I want you to be happy.
Then I guess it's a shame I don't even have any feelings for him.
- Is that a lie? - You bet it is.
We're ridiculous.
That's just what maladjusted yet intensely loyal friends do for one another.
And for the record, Tyler and I both decided it wasn't working.
There was just no spark.
You know? Whereas you and him I mean, this guy is like your extra-curricular activity soulmate.
You think? He couldn't stop talking about you at dinner.
You might be one of my top five favorite topics of conversation but not on a date.
[sighs.]
It's OK.
You remember that speech you just gave me about putting all your personal feelings aside? I don't remember all the words but it was very lovely.
Just pretend I'm saying that back to you.
I think you're amazing.
But I can't date Tyler.
For a lot of reasons.
Dub-Dub, if you don't go get your man right now, I swear this'll be the last noble act of self-sacrifice you ever see from me.
- I don't think the guy you're looking for is home.
- I'm looking for you.
Then I'm sure he's not home.
Is that a Booty Chest bag? Um Don't judge me.
But after the whole vegan experience I was in desperate need of some animal.
- They do actually have good wings.
- No judgment.
I also needed a place to sit and clear my head.
- At a pirate-themed sports bar with scantily-clad waitresses? - You're judging.
All day long something didn't feel quite right.
So I wanted to go back to the scene of the crime.
See if it jogged some memories.
- And did it? - I still don't remember a damn thing.
But while I was mowing on my wings I got to talking to one of the busboys.
And it turns out that while I was there I didn't just meet a waitress at The Booty Chest.
I also met a girl pretending to be a waitress at The Booty Chest.
- Oh yeah? - It was you, wasn't it? So you're Wendy of the Smart Car.
Dub-Dub of 6B.
And the imposter of The Booty Chest.
I'm also the sorry sack with the busted Hruck Bugbear.
We met twice that day.
You know those vague giddy deja vu feelings I was having? Yeah.
They're kinda not-so-vague anymore.
Oh yeah? - You're not a vegan, are you? - No.
- Good.
Because I've got this bag of wings.
- I'm listening.
And I picked up a copy of The Zombies of Mora Tau on the way home.
If you like gore-free zombie treasure protectors.
Someone told me they make an excellent zombie palate cleanser.
That someone sounds pretty cool.
I think she might be.
[ Camphor: The Sweetest Tooth.]
Pickaxe syntax chipping at the sweetest tooth