The Middleman s01e10 Episode Script
The Vampiric Puppet Lamentation
and he had to run outside naked.
Could you hand me the Subway Collapse? He covered himself with the tarp from the neighbor's Slip 'N Slide while he waited for the fire department to show, but his sister Marjorie was so busy listening to her Miguel Bose records, that she never realized there was a fire at all.
Hey, this is Impending Doom.
So how's Tyler's trip with his family going? The trip I've been talking about for the last five minutes? Huh? Oh, sorry.
I'm a little out of it.
Tell me you didn't eat another hot lunch on the day of our party.
You know how that saps your energy.
I had a sex dream about Pip.
Could you rewind that? 'Cause it sounded like you said you dreamt you were knocking boots with the malignant nematode son of our building owner who copied my artwork and tried to pass it off as his own.
That's just it.
And he was kinda [laughs.]
I'm still a little dizzy.
You have to walk me through this because I do not see it at all.
It started pretty normal, for that kind of a dream.
- Hello, Lacey.
- Hey.
How could a sex dream with Pip possibly start normal? Hello, Lacey.
Oh, God.
Why are we even talking about this? - Oh, God, you are hot for him.
- Hot for Pip? - PMGO.
- PMGO? - "Puke my guts out.
" - He ripped your clothes off? Grow up, Dub-Dub.
He is a being of the purest and darkest evil.
You and I have a party to throw and this discussion is getting in the way.
Wait, wait, wait.
I just have one thing I have to know: Was Pip packing? The seventh grade called, they want their maturity back.
[dance music plays.]
- Hey, have you seen Noser? - No sir.
[laughs.]
Joe, I'm serious.
He's not in the hallway, Anvil hasn't seen him in forever.
No one knows where he is.
- Hey, am I my Noser's keeper? - Oh Hey, Lacey.
Have you seen Noser? So, I see the being of purest evil that no part of you is even remotely attracted to somehow got invited to our party.
He never gets invited anywhere.
Doesn't mean I wanna do him.
Can I interest my gracious hosts in a free reading? Tarot cards are for the spiritually vulnerable and intellectually weak.
Come on, it'll be scintillating and revealing of all your darkest secrets.
Do it for Wendy, she's the one that looks way too into dreams.
Empty your thoughts.
No party, no music, no friends.
- Can you do this? kick serious ass? - That's a yes.
- Then look far within yourself until you see nothing but the deepest yearnings of your soul.
Ah, it's The Lovers and The Chariot.
You recently were in a long relationship, yes? - Yeah, with Ben.
- It'll continue for many years.
Yeah, he dumped me on camera and then used the footage to score a movie deal.
Oh, well, the pairing can also mean The Lover has left you.
Permanently.
[speaking foreign language in deep voice.]
- What? - [continues speaking.]
English, woman! Young Noser will be rent limb from limb to save you! And, after years of silence, you finally hear from your mother.
Um, could you go back to the part about Noser being killed? I didn't say anything about that.
Oh! Temperance and The Emperor.
You spend too much time with your father.
Hey, Noser.
I know this is like the fourteenth message I've left, but, uh, I just wanna make sure you're OK.
So call me back.
Or text.
Or, you know, come over.
Bye.
Why do you hate me? Noser never showed up for the party and he still hasn't come in to drink our coffee.
He's officially MIA.
He's a grown boy.
What's the big? Jamie the Tarot girl, she told me he was gonna die.
I think.
I'm pretty sure.
Do I have to read you Carl Sagan's book again? Even if the universe decided to communicate via playing card images of antiquated archetypes, do you really think it would use that CK One-cologne drenched charlatan as its mouthpiece? I really want to believe you, but your subconscious desire to do Pip calls all your advice into question.
- That was one dream.
- Really? You didn't have one last night? No.
- No! - Whether the universe speaks through Jamie or not, I still wanna know if my friend's OK.
- Maybe I should go ask his roommate.
- Anvil? Are you crazy? He'll sell you for decongestant money.
I guess I'll just go door to door.
- [watch beeping.]
- [sighs.]
Or get called in to work and leave Noser abandoned and defenseless.
- [sighs.]
- [laughs.]
Go to work.
- I'll find Noser.
- Thanks, Lace.
- Hello, Dubbie.
- Ooh! Is it 4:20 already? Please tell me we're hunting vampires.
- Einstein strikes again.
- [Wendy.]
Yes! At my Confirmation, I prayed I would one day grow up to kill a vampire.
And now I can.
Wait.
Vampires don't rend people limb from limb, do they? Not traditionally.
Try this on for size.
- Oh.
I'm-a get my Buffy on.
- Hopefully, you won't.
Vampires have been extinct ever since a Middleman killed the last one in the late 1800s.
Let's just say that Van Helsing might as well be Dutch for "The Middleman.
" But if vampires are extinct, what's with the wooden stake? Not just any wood, Dubbie.
You can only kill a vampire with a stake carved of purest Carpathian wood.
OK, what's with the stake of purest Carpathian wood? And what's Ida doing with that pile of money? Marked bills.
Don't get any bright ideas.
- Ever hear of Vlad the Impaler? Fifteenth century Wallachian duke, impaled 80,000 Ottomans? And feasted on their blood.
Vlad was the king of all vampires.
His army once killed 15,000 peasants in a single afternoon.
Just to be clear, he did that by impaling, not by rending limbs? Today, a vast collection of Vlad's personal artifacts has come up for auction.
O2STK believes that, in the wrong hands, any one of those artifacts could trigger a vampire resurgence.
So we're buying the whole collection.
I'll be darned if vampires come out of retirement on my watch.
This auction, some pretty gnarly stuff, huh? Like, uh, torture devices, that wheel they use to rend people from limb to limb? Dubbie, I can't help but notice you seem to have rent appendages on your brain.
That's the hippie lettuce talking.
This annoying girl gave me a Tarot card reading, and I'm kinda sure I saw her get all creepy and tell me that Noser was gonna be rent limb from limb.
Pretty silly, huh? Not necessarily.
The way I see it, A, you overdid it with the tipple, B, your experience in the underworld opened your third eye, putting you in direct contact with prophetic voices from the great beyond.
- Thanks for ruining my life.
- If you want to help Mr.
Noser, you'll dedicate yourself mind, body and soul to preventing undead creatures of the night from rising from the grave to suck him dry.
You don't talk to other humans much, do you? - What did you say? - You heard me.
Tell me where Noser went! - Hey, now, what's going on? - Pip was about to eat my fist for lunch.
- Bring it.
- Before we bring in the first responders, mind if I ask you boys something? I'm looking for Noser.
So am I, but vocational school here won't tell me where he is.
Ask God when you see him in five seconds.
Actually, Anvil, I haven't seen Noser in a few days, and I'm getting freaked out.
You're his roommate, can you remember the last time you saw him? Come to think of it, Lacey, I haven't seen Noser in a few days either.
[sighs.]
Thanks.
Nice going, flower power.
Noser owes me three months rent, plus interest.
Dude was this close to telling me where he is.
Dude was this close to giving you a manual lobotomy.
- Why do you want him? - Wendy got a reading that said he was gonna die.
Tarot's for the spiritually vulnerable and weak.
It sure is.
I have to go.
- You're not going anywhere.
- I have to find Noser.
I do too, and until I get my rent money, you're getting more than you bargained for.
I'm your [beeps.]
partner.
Complete the following statement: "Vampires cannot be detected by A, mirrors, B, cameras, C, cameras or mirrors, - or D, none of the above.
" - You do get it that I have reprints of Marv Wolfman and Gene Colan's entire run on Tomb of Dracula, an encyclopedic knowledge of Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing's work for Hammer Films, and have laid eyes on at least three of the major Canadian syndicated vampire detective shows? C.
Gold star.
"Vampires have the ability to turn humans into vampires, true or false?" - Do you want me to leave? - Actually, this one's tricky.
The Middle organization does have an anti-vampire vaccine.
Once a vampire tastes your blood, it knows your entire life story, your hopes, your fears, your dreams.
I get it.
Don't let them bite me.
Check.
[clears throat.]
"If a vampire offers you soup, what does this mean? - A" - [phone rings.]
- Find Noser yet? - No, but we're still looking.
I mean I'm still looking.
- Alone.
- You're with Pip, aren't you? - It kinda just happened.
- Oh, Lacey, you didn't.
I'd rather lick money.
He's just looking for Noser, too.
And, by the way, he agrees that Tarot is a total joke.
I'm glad you have so much in common.
It's the foundation for a lasting and loving relationship.
Anyway, we're looking through the whole building, so I'm sure we'll find Noser soon.
Keep me posted.
And with Pip, you know, just keep your pants on.
Lacey's seeing Pip? What? No.
I'm making fun of her because she had a sex dream about him.
- Lacey had a sex dream about Pip? - It's not that big of a deal.
- But he's a plagiarist.
- What happened to dedicating mind, body and soul to the task at hand? "If a vampire offers you soup" Ladies and gentlemen, please be seated.
Thank you.
Good afternoon, my name is Nikolas Pherides.
I'll be your tour guide today for the most terrifying auction in history.
Actual items actually owned by the actual Vlad the Impaler.
Who knows what foul sights our first item has seen, what unheard cries for help, what splatters of blood it must have felt.
Presenting lot A, - this door hinge! - [crowd gasps.]
Shall we start the bidding at, say, $666? [scoffs.]
Like anyone's gonna pay that much for a door hinge.
Rich people.
Seven-fifty.
Do I have $800? Eight hundred, do I have $850? $850? $850.
Do I have $900? $900.
- We don't have to buy that, do we? - Of course.
- But it's just a door hinge.
- And perhaps it opens a door to the vampire underworld.
- There's a vampire underworld? - Do you want to find out the hard way? 1,300 to the gentleman here.
1,300 going once, going twice.
Sold to the gentleman with the green Eisenhower jacket.
for $1,300 [applause.]
4,005? 5,000? 5,000.
Do I have 5,005? 5,005! Do I have 6,000? 6,000.
6,005? 6,005 going once, going twice.
Sold to the young lady in back.
[applause.]
That's one expensive spoon fragment.
You said it yourself: vampire soup.
I just hope we have enough money left for the last item.
- We're down to $400,000.
- What's the last item? - A surprise.
- Sadly, ladies and gentlemen, we've reached the end of our journey of terror.
But don't despair, we've saved the best for last.
Vlad the Impaler had two loves: Feasting on the blood of his impaled victims, and puppet shows.
Say hello to Little Vladdy.
A mere puppet? Perhaps.
But legend has a different story.
Throughout history, his owners' lives have been fraught with madness, fever, pestilence, matri-, fratri-, patri- and sui-cide.
- [laughter.]
- I have a bad feeling about this.
How many of you would like to see what Little Vladdy has to say about his bad reputation? [cheering.]
[puppet gasping.]
Where am I? Who are you people? - [laughter.]
- That's not the auctioneer talking, is it? Dare you laugh at me? The eternal night of blood shall soon be upon you! A seemingly possessed auctioneer? A puppet ranting about an eternal night of blood? - It's go time.
- You mortals will either join the cult, or serve as food for your new masters! [screaming.]
- Out of my way, you fools! - [screaming.]
Sir? Sir, put down that dummy! I obey no man! Looks like we're gonna have to do this the hard way.
Dubbie, did he just turn into a bat puppet? Man, I don't even have an opinion.
I don't suppose our coping guide has a chapter on vampire puppets.
We'll have to write it ourselves.
Why didn't he turn into a crispy fritter in the sun? - Isn't that vampire 101? - For flesh and blood vampires, but Vladdy's made of wood.
- Wait.
- [both.]
Shellac! All bets are off, Dubbie.
The only thing I'm sure of is we need to stake Vladdy's heart before he turns people into whatever a vampire puppet turns people into.
Ida, glue your ear to the police radio.
It's only a matter of time before the puppet-attack 911 calls start pouring in.
I'm not sure Vladdy's gonna start biting anyone just yet.
Look, it's trying to think.
I've seen all the Blade movies.
I know my way around suckheads.
Vampires live to feast on the blood of the living, right? There were plenty of throats at that auction.
Why didn't Vladdy bite anyone? I figured he didn't want a chestful of purest Carpathian wood.
No.
He said something about "the eternal night of blood" and he was out the door before he realized anyone was chasing.
Maybe he has to do something to bring about that "eternal night of blood," and maybe one of his previous owners already tried.
Bram Stoker's widow! Dubbie, that's a very canny observation.
Ida, course correction.
Hop on the HEYDAR and search down every previous owner of Little Vladdy.
Hopefully, someone who tried him on in the past has lived to tell the story.
Way to see clearly in this bog.
It hasn't been easy wiping the vision of Noser's agonizing dismemberment from your mind.
And thanks for putting it right back in.
Vampires have killed more Middlemen than any other threat.
- Really? How many? - Two.
Okey-dokey, how's this sound? Renfield Rehnquist tried Little Vladdy on on national television 15 years ago.
We're here at the home of everybody's favorite ventriloquist to take a look at some of his favorite dummies.
Renfield, this is quite a collection.
What's your most valuable puppet? I'd have to say it's this guy, by a long shot.
- Wow, he looks pretty scary.
- I'm not sure that's the best idea.
I mean, I don't wear him.
He's quite old, and delicate.
- He's scared to put him on.
- I'll say he is.
- Just wait.
- [laughs.]
Think of all the kiddie fans watching from home.
You really want to disappoint them? - Don't do it.
- What the heck? - [laughs.]
- I have always wanted to try him on.
Here we go.
Where am I? Who are you people? [host laughs.]
Hello there, little fella.
How dare you laugh at me! Don't you know who I am? Easy, easy.
Maybe it's time to take off the puppet.
- Never! Away from me! - [screaming.]
a - PMGO! - Goes on like that for a while.
After killing the camera guy and the van driver, the boom operator managed to chop off Renfield's arm.
He's been spending his days at the laughing academy ever since.
Ida, would you hit pause on that, please? Ugh! You do understand the concept here? We want people to talk to us.
- So we can find Noser.
- News flash, Pollyanna.
The problem ain't me.
Keep giving people sugar, they're gonna keep walking all over you.
- Let's go talk to Joe 90.
- He doesn't know anything.
- I talked to him this morning.
- Did you make fun of his glasses? Yeah? So? Time to see what Pollyanna can do.
Oh.
Care to make this interesting? - Twenty bucks? - Done.
- Hey, Lacey, what's up? - Two things: One, did I tell you how much I liked your latest sculpture? You liked Obelisk at Dawn? [chuckles.]
I thought I'd be in for another one of your lectures on the art community's need for phallic symbol reversalism.
[laughs.]
Nope, I'm good.
Anyway, number two: have you seen Noser lately? Weird.
Pip came by this morning asking me the same thing.
I'll tell you what I told him: No.
Now, I'll you the truth: Yes.
[laughs.]
Like I'd ever rat out the Nose to that smug little self-loving ponce.
- So you wanna see the surveillance tape? - Surveillance tape? Pip's dad gives him money to pay for the building's security, but he keeps the cash and lowers my rent to do it instead.
Seriously, I don't know how that tool case looks at himself in the mirror.
I'll get the tape.
Looks like boy owes girl 20 bucks.
Small price to pay for being the laughing stock of the building.
You know, Pip, maybe if you were a little nicer to people, they'd be more willing to let you into their lives.
You so wanna do me.
We don't get many visitors from the Department of Education.
If you can teach the criminally insane, you can teach anyone.
When that boom operator chopped off Renfield's arm, he lost blood, so much so, he went brain dead three times on the operating table.
He now suffers from a rare condition called acute-borderline-hyper- cerebral-dysplasia.
It's destroyed his ability to tell where he stops and where the machinations of his deranged psyche begin.
- And you give him needles? - Needlepoint can be a valuable tool for the relief of stress.
- Talk to him all you like.
- Thank you, Dr.
Judd.
Sir, time is of the essence, so I'll skip the pleasantries.
Little Vladdy, the puppet that sent you here, has come back to life.
We believe you might know where we can find him.
Hey.
Look here, buddy.
- It's OK, Wendy.
- What are you doing? There's only one way to speak to an insane ventriloquist.
Where has Little Vladdy gone? - Elizabeth Rousset.
- Elizabeth Rousset? His heart will guide him to her.
- Who is she? - The vampire queen.
Vlad the Impaler married her on the witch's Sabbath, 1459.
But a mob of villagers scaled the castle walls and murdered the lovers with crude farming implements.
Vlad and Elizabeth's blood spilled onto their two favorite puppets, Vladdy and Lizzie, exact replicas of themselves.
Their souls were damned into the wood for all time.
- Unless - Unless what? [sighs.]
[high-pitched voice.]
Unless what? If Vladdy and Lizzie remarry on the arms of two people who share true love, they will regain the form of flesh and blood and create an undead army that will plunge earth into an eternal night of blood.
[laughing.]
Ida, Vladdy's looking for a puppet named Lizzie, and he's got a huge head start.
We need to find her yesterday.
Start by cross-referencing Lizzie with Vlad the Impaler in every database - Found her.
- That was fast.
Ha! Didn't even have to look outside my local memory bank.
Are you telling me the puppet bride of Vlad the Impaler is right there at HQ? Yeah, a Middleman bought her in 1895.
- Should be in the fifth floor archive.
- Dubbie, let's go! We have Einstein's brain? I thought that was at Princeton Hospital.
Transylvania 6-5000, Dubbie.
You really think we'd leave that hanging around a bunch of frat boys with mono? So whose brain does Princeton have? The only woman smart enough to kill Einstein.
[phone rings.]
Hey, Lacey.
Good news? Pip and I found Noser on the building's surveillance footage.
Please tell me you're not alone in our apartment with Pip.
And on that footage, Noser's outside and he's pacing, he looks kinda on edge.
Then this knock-out Eastern European-looking chick gets out of a cab and hands him a shiny metal briefcase.
- Oh, no.
- What? Action movies from the '90s taught us anything, no good can come from anyone of Eastern European descent carrying or exchanging a shiny silver briefcase! That sounds suspiciously like racial profiling, Dub-Dub.
OK, we can handle this.
This doesn't necessarily mean Noser's gonna be rent limb from limb.
See if you can read the cab number.
Hey, can I use the HEYDAR to help find Noser? I can't lie, Wendy, this Pip business bothers me.
The thought of her dating that thievish entitled ne'er-do-well, - it just smokes my skillet.
- So I can use the HEYDAR? All right.
Ah.
Good work, Middleman 1895.
Hey, Lacey, I'll use my connections at work to track down that taxi cab.
The woman in the surveillance video is Irena Dubrovna.
- 1010 Holmwood Drive.
- Get the stake! - [shouting.]
- [grunting.]
Unhand me! Now, Dubbie! - Ah! - No! - Would you hold the [beep.]
still? - There's no time.
This is a code blood red.
We have to move and we have to move now.
Oh, you are not going anywhere without a dose - of the Montesi Formula anti-vampire vaccine.
- Yeah.
I don't want you turning into a vampire, or a vampire puppet, or whatever.
Besides, we don't even know where Vladdy and Lizzie went.
Oh, you slipped him the Middlewatch to track him.
Very nice.
- Ida, ETA on the vaccine? - Sixty seconds.
- Make it thirty.
- I know you're upset about Chucky's grandfather sneaking in and biting you.
Dang vampires, not showing up on surveillance monitors.
- How could I have missed it? - Could you take it down a notch? Dubbie, ten minutes ago this fight was just like any other.
Now Vladdy has a tummyful of my red stuff.
That bite gave him front row seats to my being.
He knows the way I think now.
So we know he won't be hiding out in any dairies or G-rated movies.
My ability to fight may have been permanently compromised.
You need to ready yourself to finish this fight alone.
- Bend over.
- The whole me fighting the fight without you, that's like a worst-case scenario, right? Dubbie, as much as it pains me, at this moment I'm unable to give you any guarantee this will end well.
No pressure, hon.
I fully expect you to fail.
How'd Wendy find this briefcase chick, anyway? She's got crazy access to stuff at work.
Crazy access to her boss's pants.
Don't touch my stomach.
Or my legs.
Then how do you want me to sit? OK.
Lessons are $65 per session, with a four week mini Excuse me, I'm sorry.
We're friends of Noser's.
- Do you know where he is? - How did you find me? - Just tell us where he is! - What are you? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's just, Noser's my best friend, and he's in really big trouble with his entitled tool of a landlord.
- Pip? - Yeah, he's a monster.
And he's gonna sell all of Noser's guitars.
Do you know what that would do to him? Music is his life.
- Noser swore me to secrecy.
- No, Lacey, it's OK.
This just isn't meant to be.
- Wait.
- Yeah? You know Noser as the carefree guitar strumming poet, no? But I tell you, he's got the talent of a god.
His family hired me to tutor him.
By age five, he was writing his own material.
By age six, he humiliated all of the great masters.
It was marvelous.
We saw the world, one royal palace at a time.
Of course, by then I had nothing to teach the boy.
But the family took pity, allowing me to care for the instrument.
Then one day, Noser turned 13.
He asked to retire.
His family respected his wishes, moving to a goat farm in Monaco.
I vowed to heaven I would guard the instrument, knowing in my heart of hearts that one day he would perform again.
- And that's what was in the briefcase? - Yes.
Where is he performing? The trail stops here, Dubbie.
You ready to puncture some puppet heart? I'm not sure it's gonna be that simple.
A crazed man walking around with two ventriloquist dummies? He'll stick out like a sore thumb.
Oh, phooey.
- Lacey? - Hey, Wendy.
- And Wendy's boss.
- Hello, Lacey.
- Oh, have you met Pip? - It's a pleasure.
Boop.
So, what brings you here, Lacey? Irena said this is where we'd find Noser.
- At a ventriloquist convention? - Oh, this is way too good to be true.
Noser doesn't play guitar.
He's a ventriloquist.
I gotta go home and get my camera.
So, Lacey, how have you been? I've been fine.
You know, I mean [laughs.]
OK.
I guess.
Oh, my God, what happened? Oh, it's all right.
- Sorry.
I'm sorry.
- I cut myself shaving this morning.
- With a machete? - [both laugh.]
- Hey, I think I see our client.
- Oh.
Um You'll have to excuse us, Lacey.
Careful with that razor.
Lacey, find Noser and get him out of here.
He's not safe.
- Why not? - Just trust me.
Sir? Sir? Where did the puppets go? - Puppets? - Uh, Vladdy from the auction.
- Where am I? - Excuse us a moment.
- What's going on? - Clearly, this man's suffering from some sort of vampire puppet-induced amnesia.
Vampire puppet-induced amnesia? Sheesh! Wait, if Vladdy's not on his arm, he could be anywhere.
In a convention center full of puppets.
Excuse me, I'm looking for a guy named Noser.
- Noser? - He's about this tall - You're kidding.
- No.
He's got an Afro The Noser? I know what he looks like.
- Have you seen him? - If I'd seen him, do you think I would have flown across the country to enter this contest? Do you have any idea where I could look to find him? Sure, wherever they hand out the gold [beeps.]
medals.
[Vladdy.]
Excuse me, young pretty girl.
- I know where Noser is.
- Aw! He's cute.
- What's his name? - Vladdy.
- Where's Noser, Vladdy? - Follow me.
I'll take you.
You're really good.
I didn't see your lips moving at all.
We should keep our eyes peeled for couples, Dubbie.
Now that Vladdy has his fiancé, he'll be looking to get married.
Hey, look.
I think she found Noser.
- Lacey? - Lacey? - [growls.]
- Get your fangs away from my best friend.
I have a different idea.
Put me on.
I thought the puppets had to get married on two people in love Oh, boss.
- Stay your weapon, Dubbie.
- What are you doing? - Saving Lacey.
- We can do that by putting a stake in Vladdy and Lizzie's - cold black hearts.
- He knows I can't let Lacey get hurt.
- The blood does not lie.
- Pipe down, Pinocchio.
You can't do this.
What about the vampire army and the night of eternal blood? Stop him alone.
I warned you this might happen.
Wendy, if this comes down to the wire and you have to make a choice between me or Lacey, save her.
[Vladdy.]
Don't get any ideas when I'm between arms, or the girl dies.
- Where am I? - Hang back and you'll be cool.
Prepare to reap the whirlwind.
Now, Wendy Watson.
Hand over the stake.
No way.
I'm using you for kindling.
I have a few friends standing behind you who might disagree.
That one might have worked in 1459, but today's woman is a little more savvy.
You created vampire puppet minions and they're all standing behind me, aren't they? Guilty.
Eat her slowly, my children.
Ah! - [cackling.]
- That is so not cool.
Hello.
We'd like to get married.
It's a ventriloquist thing.
Will there be a problem marrying us with our puppets? Goodness, no! I always have time for two people in love.
Sorry, dude.
- [puppet screams.]
- And sorry in advance.
This ring I give you, in token and pledge of our constant faith and abiding love.
- Noser? - Wendy Watson? What are you doing here? - You gotta get out of here.
- I need the prize money.
Look, I sank all my money into my concept album.
I came out of retirement to do this, to pay the rent and finish my record, and Young Noser and I are taking the stage.
Noser, if you don't leave immediately you're gonna Wait, "Young Noser?" Young Noser will be rent limb from limb to save you! Young Noser is my dummy.
The whole point of my act is that he looks exactly like me.
Trust me, Wendy Watson, I get on that stage, this prize money is mine.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
They're about to call me to stage.
Anything else I can do? Not unless you have some purest Carpathian wood handy.
That's weird.
Did you just say purest Carpathian wood? - Yes.
- My old ventriloquism tutor used that expression all the time.
I carved him for you myself, out of the purest Carpathian wood.
[both.]
Minions of the night, arise from your centuries of sleep to feast on the blood of all mankind! You give love a bad name.
[screaming.]
Where's Lacey? - So I guess we, uh - Yep.
- What's going on? - Uh, Lacey got a little overheated in the convention center.
So we brought her here to cool off.
Really? I don't remember that at all.
It's not uncommon for a fainting victim to experience a brief period of forgetfulness.
Save it for class, teach.
Help me stand her up.
My car's parked just outside in the handicapped spot if you want a ride home.
Get a good night's rest.
You'll be fine.
Oh.
[laughs.]
Yeah, of course.
Hey.
Where'd I get this ring? Wendy, why don't you ride home with your friends? I can see to things here.
Good idea.
- Ride lonesome, huh? - Yeah.
That's right.
So, Young Noser, I can't help but notice you look a little different.
Why don't you tell the nice people here what happened to your arms? Oh, three-picture deal, here I come.
- Hey.
I'm watching that.
- Show's over.
- What are you doing? - I want the footage.
Then watch it on-line when I put it on MyFaceInATube.
Noser's very protective about his past, Pip, and it should be his decision whether or not to come out of the - ventriloquism closet.
- Oh, well.
You got your rent money.
Now, you're just being mean.
Can't you do a solid for your friend? Noser's not my friend, remember? Apparently, no one in this building is.
Uh here.
You done good, Pip.
Hey.
Wanna do some more good? - Ow! - [laughs.]
See you around.
So, looks like I'm rooming with your ex-wife.
That was just an evil ceremony, Wendy.
It wasn't legally binding in any way.
I know.
Just thought a spoonful of funny might help the unbearable awkwardness go down.
Oh.
Thanks.
So, you and my best friend True love.
Uh, the success of our demonic puppet marriage would seem to validate that, yes.
You know, you're the one who told me to open the door if true love comes knocking.
None of this would have happened if what you felt for Lacey wasn't real.
Even true love doesn't always work out.
You're one of the good guys.
So is Lacey.
You deserve each other.
What if it's fate? Like my message about Noser.
God knows what it was, but something wanted to get me a message that would save the day.
Who are you to say that something doesn't want you to be with Lacey? If I wanted to be with Lacey, nothing could stop me.
No enemy, not Pip, not you, not even fate.
But, uh - Well, she's not - She's not what? 'Cause from where I'm sitting, she looks pretty good.
She's not the only woman I love.
Good work today, Dubbie.
Hey, Lacey and Noser, and everyone in our building.
We had to celebrate Noser's return to the land of the living.
And there was plenty of green punch left.
Gotta love a recipe that yields nine gallons.
To Noser: our resident man of mystery.
So, I assume the building doesn't know your little secret.
I rushed out of town to spend a few days with my grandmother? - Nah, they know.
- Oh, my gosh, Noser, you'll never believe this.
While you were gone, I totally did your reading and it said you were with your grandmother.
Isn't that insane? - My thoughts exactly.
- I still have the cards laid out.
Come on, I'll show you.
I'm telling you, he's a ventriloquist.
I have everything on camera.
- And where's the tape? - Lacey stole it.
You actually expect me to believe someone as pure-hearted and loving as Lacey could out-manipulate someone as conniving and evil-hearted as you? She distracted me with a kiss.
[laughs.]
Yeah.
This story's getting easier and easier to believe.
- I can't make this stuff up! - [laughing.]
[gasps.]
Wait, - you kissed Pip? - It was for a good cause.
And believe me, it officially eradicated any confusing subconscious attraction - that may have been going on.
- Seriously? You didn't have a sex dream during your pre-party nap? Hello, Lacey.
Nope.
I'm good.
Then that's even more cause to celebrate.
[piano music plays.]
Could you hand me the Subway Collapse? He covered himself with the tarp from the neighbor's Slip 'N Slide while he waited for the fire department to show, but his sister Marjorie was so busy listening to her Miguel Bose records, that she never realized there was a fire at all.
Hey, this is Impending Doom.
So how's Tyler's trip with his family going? The trip I've been talking about for the last five minutes? Huh? Oh, sorry.
I'm a little out of it.
Tell me you didn't eat another hot lunch on the day of our party.
You know how that saps your energy.
I had a sex dream about Pip.
Could you rewind that? 'Cause it sounded like you said you dreamt you were knocking boots with the malignant nematode son of our building owner who copied my artwork and tried to pass it off as his own.
That's just it.
And he was kinda [laughs.]
I'm still a little dizzy.
You have to walk me through this because I do not see it at all.
It started pretty normal, for that kind of a dream.
- Hello, Lacey.
- Hey.
How could a sex dream with Pip possibly start normal? Hello, Lacey.
Oh, God.
Why are we even talking about this? - Oh, God, you are hot for him.
- Hot for Pip? - PMGO.
- PMGO? - "Puke my guts out.
" - He ripped your clothes off? Grow up, Dub-Dub.
He is a being of the purest and darkest evil.
You and I have a party to throw and this discussion is getting in the way.
Wait, wait, wait.
I just have one thing I have to know: Was Pip packing? The seventh grade called, they want their maturity back.
[dance music plays.]
- Hey, have you seen Noser? - No sir.
[laughs.]
Joe, I'm serious.
He's not in the hallway, Anvil hasn't seen him in forever.
No one knows where he is.
- Hey, am I my Noser's keeper? - Oh Hey, Lacey.
Have you seen Noser? So, I see the being of purest evil that no part of you is even remotely attracted to somehow got invited to our party.
He never gets invited anywhere.
Doesn't mean I wanna do him.
Can I interest my gracious hosts in a free reading? Tarot cards are for the spiritually vulnerable and intellectually weak.
Come on, it'll be scintillating and revealing of all your darkest secrets.
Do it for Wendy, she's the one that looks way too into dreams.
Empty your thoughts.
No party, no music, no friends.
- Can you do this? kick serious ass? - That's a yes.
- Then look far within yourself until you see nothing but the deepest yearnings of your soul.
Ah, it's The Lovers and The Chariot.
You recently were in a long relationship, yes? - Yeah, with Ben.
- It'll continue for many years.
Yeah, he dumped me on camera and then used the footage to score a movie deal.
Oh, well, the pairing can also mean The Lover has left you.
Permanently.
[speaking foreign language in deep voice.]
- What? - [continues speaking.]
English, woman! Young Noser will be rent limb from limb to save you! And, after years of silence, you finally hear from your mother.
Um, could you go back to the part about Noser being killed? I didn't say anything about that.
Oh! Temperance and The Emperor.
You spend too much time with your father.
Hey, Noser.
I know this is like the fourteenth message I've left, but, uh, I just wanna make sure you're OK.
So call me back.
Or text.
Or, you know, come over.
Bye.
Why do you hate me? Noser never showed up for the party and he still hasn't come in to drink our coffee.
He's officially MIA.
He's a grown boy.
What's the big? Jamie the Tarot girl, she told me he was gonna die.
I think.
I'm pretty sure.
Do I have to read you Carl Sagan's book again? Even if the universe decided to communicate via playing card images of antiquated archetypes, do you really think it would use that CK One-cologne drenched charlatan as its mouthpiece? I really want to believe you, but your subconscious desire to do Pip calls all your advice into question.
- That was one dream.
- Really? You didn't have one last night? No.
- No! - Whether the universe speaks through Jamie or not, I still wanna know if my friend's OK.
- Maybe I should go ask his roommate.
- Anvil? Are you crazy? He'll sell you for decongestant money.
I guess I'll just go door to door.
- [watch beeping.]
- [sighs.]
Or get called in to work and leave Noser abandoned and defenseless.
- [sighs.]
- [laughs.]
Go to work.
- I'll find Noser.
- Thanks, Lace.
- Hello, Dubbie.
- Ooh! Is it 4:20 already? Please tell me we're hunting vampires.
- Einstein strikes again.
- [Wendy.]
Yes! At my Confirmation, I prayed I would one day grow up to kill a vampire.
And now I can.
Wait.
Vampires don't rend people limb from limb, do they? Not traditionally.
Try this on for size.
- Oh.
I'm-a get my Buffy on.
- Hopefully, you won't.
Vampires have been extinct ever since a Middleman killed the last one in the late 1800s.
Let's just say that Van Helsing might as well be Dutch for "The Middleman.
" But if vampires are extinct, what's with the wooden stake? Not just any wood, Dubbie.
You can only kill a vampire with a stake carved of purest Carpathian wood.
OK, what's with the stake of purest Carpathian wood? And what's Ida doing with that pile of money? Marked bills.
Don't get any bright ideas.
- Ever hear of Vlad the Impaler? Fifteenth century Wallachian duke, impaled 80,000 Ottomans? And feasted on their blood.
Vlad was the king of all vampires.
His army once killed 15,000 peasants in a single afternoon.
Just to be clear, he did that by impaling, not by rending limbs? Today, a vast collection of Vlad's personal artifacts has come up for auction.
O2STK believes that, in the wrong hands, any one of those artifacts could trigger a vampire resurgence.
So we're buying the whole collection.
I'll be darned if vampires come out of retirement on my watch.
This auction, some pretty gnarly stuff, huh? Like, uh, torture devices, that wheel they use to rend people from limb to limb? Dubbie, I can't help but notice you seem to have rent appendages on your brain.
That's the hippie lettuce talking.
This annoying girl gave me a Tarot card reading, and I'm kinda sure I saw her get all creepy and tell me that Noser was gonna be rent limb from limb.
Pretty silly, huh? Not necessarily.
The way I see it, A, you overdid it with the tipple, B, your experience in the underworld opened your third eye, putting you in direct contact with prophetic voices from the great beyond.
- Thanks for ruining my life.
- If you want to help Mr.
Noser, you'll dedicate yourself mind, body and soul to preventing undead creatures of the night from rising from the grave to suck him dry.
You don't talk to other humans much, do you? - What did you say? - You heard me.
Tell me where Noser went! - Hey, now, what's going on? - Pip was about to eat my fist for lunch.
- Bring it.
- Before we bring in the first responders, mind if I ask you boys something? I'm looking for Noser.
So am I, but vocational school here won't tell me where he is.
Ask God when you see him in five seconds.
Actually, Anvil, I haven't seen Noser in a few days, and I'm getting freaked out.
You're his roommate, can you remember the last time you saw him? Come to think of it, Lacey, I haven't seen Noser in a few days either.
[sighs.]
Thanks.
Nice going, flower power.
Noser owes me three months rent, plus interest.
Dude was this close to telling me where he is.
Dude was this close to giving you a manual lobotomy.
- Why do you want him? - Wendy got a reading that said he was gonna die.
Tarot's for the spiritually vulnerable and weak.
It sure is.
I have to go.
- You're not going anywhere.
- I have to find Noser.
I do too, and until I get my rent money, you're getting more than you bargained for.
I'm your [beeps.]
partner.
Complete the following statement: "Vampires cannot be detected by A, mirrors, B, cameras, C, cameras or mirrors, - or D, none of the above.
" - You do get it that I have reprints of Marv Wolfman and Gene Colan's entire run on Tomb of Dracula, an encyclopedic knowledge of Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing's work for Hammer Films, and have laid eyes on at least three of the major Canadian syndicated vampire detective shows? C.
Gold star.
"Vampires have the ability to turn humans into vampires, true or false?" - Do you want me to leave? - Actually, this one's tricky.
The Middle organization does have an anti-vampire vaccine.
Once a vampire tastes your blood, it knows your entire life story, your hopes, your fears, your dreams.
I get it.
Don't let them bite me.
Check.
[clears throat.]
"If a vampire offers you soup, what does this mean? - A" - [phone rings.]
- Find Noser yet? - No, but we're still looking.
I mean I'm still looking.
- Alone.
- You're with Pip, aren't you? - It kinda just happened.
- Oh, Lacey, you didn't.
I'd rather lick money.
He's just looking for Noser, too.
And, by the way, he agrees that Tarot is a total joke.
I'm glad you have so much in common.
It's the foundation for a lasting and loving relationship.
Anyway, we're looking through the whole building, so I'm sure we'll find Noser soon.
Keep me posted.
And with Pip, you know, just keep your pants on.
Lacey's seeing Pip? What? No.
I'm making fun of her because she had a sex dream about him.
- Lacey had a sex dream about Pip? - It's not that big of a deal.
- But he's a plagiarist.
- What happened to dedicating mind, body and soul to the task at hand? "If a vampire offers you soup" Ladies and gentlemen, please be seated.
Thank you.
Good afternoon, my name is Nikolas Pherides.
I'll be your tour guide today for the most terrifying auction in history.
Actual items actually owned by the actual Vlad the Impaler.
Who knows what foul sights our first item has seen, what unheard cries for help, what splatters of blood it must have felt.
Presenting lot A, - this door hinge! - [crowd gasps.]
Shall we start the bidding at, say, $666? [scoffs.]
Like anyone's gonna pay that much for a door hinge.
Rich people.
Seven-fifty.
Do I have $800? Eight hundred, do I have $850? $850? $850.
Do I have $900? $900.
- We don't have to buy that, do we? - Of course.
- But it's just a door hinge.
- And perhaps it opens a door to the vampire underworld.
- There's a vampire underworld? - Do you want to find out the hard way? 1,300 to the gentleman here.
1,300 going once, going twice.
Sold to the gentleman with the green Eisenhower jacket.
for $1,300 [applause.]
4,005? 5,000? 5,000.
Do I have 5,005? 5,005! Do I have 6,000? 6,000.
6,005? 6,005 going once, going twice.
Sold to the young lady in back.
[applause.]
That's one expensive spoon fragment.
You said it yourself: vampire soup.
I just hope we have enough money left for the last item.
- We're down to $400,000.
- What's the last item? - A surprise.
- Sadly, ladies and gentlemen, we've reached the end of our journey of terror.
But don't despair, we've saved the best for last.
Vlad the Impaler had two loves: Feasting on the blood of his impaled victims, and puppet shows.
Say hello to Little Vladdy.
A mere puppet? Perhaps.
But legend has a different story.
Throughout history, his owners' lives have been fraught with madness, fever, pestilence, matri-, fratri-, patri- and sui-cide.
- [laughter.]
- I have a bad feeling about this.
How many of you would like to see what Little Vladdy has to say about his bad reputation? [cheering.]
[puppet gasping.]
Where am I? Who are you people? - [laughter.]
- That's not the auctioneer talking, is it? Dare you laugh at me? The eternal night of blood shall soon be upon you! A seemingly possessed auctioneer? A puppet ranting about an eternal night of blood? - It's go time.
- You mortals will either join the cult, or serve as food for your new masters! [screaming.]
- Out of my way, you fools! - [screaming.]
Sir? Sir, put down that dummy! I obey no man! Looks like we're gonna have to do this the hard way.
Dubbie, did he just turn into a bat puppet? Man, I don't even have an opinion.
I don't suppose our coping guide has a chapter on vampire puppets.
We'll have to write it ourselves.
Why didn't he turn into a crispy fritter in the sun? - Isn't that vampire 101? - For flesh and blood vampires, but Vladdy's made of wood.
- Wait.
- [both.]
Shellac! All bets are off, Dubbie.
The only thing I'm sure of is we need to stake Vladdy's heart before he turns people into whatever a vampire puppet turns people into.
Ida, glue your ear to the police radio.
It's only a matter of time before the puppet-attack 911 calls start pouring in.
I'm not sure Vladdy's gonna start biting anyone just yet.
Look, it's trying to think.
I've seen all the Blade movies.
I know my way around suckheads.
Vampires live to feast on the blood of the living, right? There were plenty of throats at that auction.
Why didn't Vladdy bite anyone? I figured he didn't want a chestful of purest Carpathian wood.
No.
He said something about "the eternal night of blood" and he was out the door before he realized anyone was chasing.
Maybe he has to do something to bring about that "eternal night of blood," and maybe one of his previous owners already tried.
Bram Stoker's widow! Dubbie, that's a very canny observation.
Ida, course correction.
Hop on the HEYDAR and search down every previous owner of Little Vladdy.
Hopefully, someone who tried him on in the past has lived to tell the story.
Way to see clearly in this bog.
It hasn't been easy wiping the vision of Noser's agonizing dismemberment from your mind.
And thanks for putting it right back in.
Vampires have killed more Middlemen than any other threat.
- Really? How many? - Two.
Okey-dokey, how's this sound? Renfield Rehnquist tried Little Vladdy on on national television 15 years ago.
We're here at the home of everybody's favorite ventriloquist to take a look at some of his favorite dummies.
Renfield, this is quite a collection.
What's your most valuable puppet? I'd have to say it's this guy, by a long shot.
- Wow, he looks pretty scary.
- I'm not sure that's the best idea.
I mean, I don't wear him.
He's quite old, and delicate.
- He's scared to put him on.
- I'll say he is.
- Just wait.
- [laughs.]
Think of all the kiddie fans watching from home.
You really want to disappoint them? - Don't do it.
- What the heck? - [laughs.]
- I have always wanted to try him on.
Here we go.
Where am I? Who are you people? [host laughs.]
Hello there, little fella.
How dare you laugh at me! Don't you know who I am? Easy, easy.
Maybe it's time to take off the puppet.
- Never! Away from me! - [screaming.]
a - PMGO! - Goes on like that for a while.
After killing the camera guy and the van driver, the boom operator managed to chop off Renfield's arm.
He's been spending his days at the laughing academy ever since.
Ida, would you hit pause on that, please? Ugh! You do understand the concept here? We want people to talk to us.
- So we can find Noser.
- News flash, Pollyanna.
The problem ain't me.
Keep giving people sugar, they're gonna keep walking all over you.
- Let's go talk to Joe 90.
- He doesn't know anything.
- I talked to him this morning.
- Did you make fun of his glasses? Yeah? So? Time to see what Pollyanna can do.
Oh.
Care to make this interesting? - Twenty bucks? - Done.
- Hey, Lacey, what's up? - Two things: One, did I tell you how much I liked your latest sculpture? You liked Obelisk at Dawn? [chuckles.]
I thought I'd be in for another one of your lectures on the art community's need for phallic symbol reversalism.
[laughs.]
Nope, I'm good.
Anyway, number two: have you seen Noser lately? Weird.
Pip came by this morning asking me the same thing.
I'll tell you what I told him: No.
Now, I'll you the truth: Yes.
[laughs.]
Like I'd ever rat out the Nose to that smug little self-loving ponce.
- So you wanna see the surveillance tape? - Surveillance tape? Pip's dad gives him money to pay for the building's security, but he keeps the cash and lowers my rent to do it instead.
Seriously, I don't know how that tool case looks at himself in the mirror.
I'll get the tape.
Looks like boy owes girl 20 bucks.
Small price to pay for being the laughing stock of the building.
You know, Pip, maybe if you were a little nicer to people, they'd be more willing to let you into their lives.
You so wanna do me.
We don't get many visitors from the Department of Education.
If you can teach the criminally insane, you can teach anyone.
When that boom operator chopped off Renfield's arm, he lost blood, so much so, he went brain dead three times on the operating table.
He now suffers from a rare condition called acute-borderline-hyper- cerebral-dysplasia.
It's destroyed his ability to tell where he stops and where the machinations of his deranged psyche begin.
- And you give him needles? - Needlepoint can be a valuable tool for the relief of stress.
- Talk to him all you like.
- Thank you, Dr.
Judd.
Sir, time is of the essence, so I'll skip the pleasantries.
Little Vladdy, the puppet that sent you here, has come back to life.
We believe you might know where we can find him.
Hey.
Look here, buddy.
- It's OK, Wendy.
- What are you doing? There's only one way to speak to an insane ventriloquist.
Where has Little Vladdy gone? - Elizabeth Rousset.
- Elizabeth Rousset? His heart will guide him to her.
- Who is she? - The vampire queen.
Vlad the Impaler married her on the witch's Sabbath, 1459.
But a mob of villagers scaled the castle walls and murdered the lovers with crude farming implements.
Vlad and Elizabeth's blood spilled onto their two favorite puppets, Vladdy and Lizzie, exact replicas of themselves.
Their souls were damned into the wood for all time.
- Unless - Unless what? [sighs.]
[high-pitched voice.]
Unless what? If Vladdy and Lizzie remarry on the arms of two people who share true love, they will regain the form of flesh and blood and create an undead army that will plunge earth into an eternal night of blood.
[laughing.]
Ida, Vladdy's looking for a puppet named Lizzie, and he's got a huge head start.
We need to find her yesterday.
Start by cross-referencing Lizzie with Vlad the Impaler in every database - Found her.
- That was fast.
Ha! Didn't even have to look outside my local memory bank.
Are you telling me the puppet bride of Vlad the Impaler is right there at HQ? Yeah, a Middleman bought her in 1895.
- Should be in the fifth floor archive.
- Dubbie, let's go! We have Einstein's brain? I thought that was at Princeton Hospital.
Transylvania 6-5000, Dubbie.
You really think we'd leave that hanging around a bunch of frat boys with mono? So whose brain does Princeton have? The only woman smart enough to kill Einstein.
[phone rings.]
Hey, Lacey.
Good news? Pip and I found Noser on the building's surveillance footage.
Please tell me you're not alone in our apartment with Pip.
And on that footage, Noser's outside and he's pacing, he looks kinda on edge.
Then this knock-out Eastern European-looking chick gets out of a cab and hands him a shiny metal briefcase.
- Oh, no.
- What? Action movies from the '90s taught us anything, no good can come from anyone of Eastern European descent carrying or exchanging a shiny silver briefcase! That sounds suspiciously like racial profiling, Dub-Dub.
OK, we can handle this.
This doesn't necessarily mean Noser's gonna be rent limb from limb.
See if you can read the cab number.
Hey, can I use the HEYDAR to help find Noser? I can't lie, Wendy, this Pip business bothers me.
The thought of her dating that thievish entitled ne'er-do-well, - it just smokes my skillet.
- So I can use the HEYDAR? All right.
Ah.
Good work, Middleman 1895.
Hey, Lacey, I'll use my connections at work to track down that taxi cab.
The woman in the surveillance video is Irena Dubrovna.
- 1010 Holmwood Drive.
- Get the stake! - [shouting.]
- [grunting.]
Unhand me! Now, Dubbie! - Ah! - No! - Would you hold the [beep.]
still? - There's no time.
This is a code blood red.
We have to move and we have to move now.
Oh, you are not going anywhere without a dose - of the Montesi Formula anti-vampire vaccine.
- Yeah.
I don't want you turning into a vampire, or a vampire puppet, or whatever.
Besides, we don't even know where Vladdy and Lizzie went.
Oh, you slipped him the Middlewatch to track him.
Very nice.
- Ida, ETA on the vaccine? - Sixty seconds.
- Make it thirty.
- I know you're upset about Chucky's grandfather sneaking in and biting you.
Dang vampires, not showing up on surveillance monitors.
- How could I have missed it? - Could you take it down a notch? Dubbie, ten minutes ago this fight was just like any other.
Now Vladdy has a tummyful of my red stuff.
That bite gave him front row seats to my being.
He knows the way I think now.
So we know he won't be hiding out in any dairies or G-rated movies.
My ability to fight may have been permanently compromised.
You need to ready yourself to finish this fight alone.
- Bend over.
- The whole me fighting the fight without you, that's like a worst-case scenario, right? Dubbie, as much as it pains me, at this moment I'm unable to give you any guarantee this will end well.
No pressure, hon.
I fully expect you to fail.
How'd Wendy find this briefcase chick, anyway? She's got crazy access to stuff at work.
Crazy access to her boss's pants.
Don't touch my stomach.
Or my legs.
Then how do you want me to sit? OK.
Lessons are $65 per session, with a four week mini Excuse me, I'm sorry.
We're friends of Noser's.
- Do you know where he is? - How did you find me? - Just tell us where he is! - What are you? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's just, Noser's my best friend, and he's in really big trouble with his entitled tool of a landlord.
- Pip? - Yeah, he's a monster.
And he's gonna sell all of Noser's guitars.
Do you know what that would do to him? Music is his life.
- Noser swore me to secrecy.
- No, Lacey, it's OK.
This just isn't meant to be.
- Wait.
- Yeah? You know Noser as the carefree guitar strumming poet, no? But I tell you, he's got the talent of a god.
His family hired me to tutor him.
By age five, he was writing his own material.
By age six, he humiliated all of the great masters.
It was marvelous.
We saw the world, one royal palace at a time.
Of course, by then I had nothing to teach the boy.
But the family took pity, allowing me to care for the instrument.
Then one day, Noser turned 13.
He asked to retire.
His family respected his wishes, moving to a goat farm in Monaco.
I vowed to heaven I would guard the instrument, knowing in my heart of hearts that one day he would perform again.
- And that's what was in the briefcase? - Yes.
Where is he performing? The trail stops here, Dubbie.
You ready to puncture some puppet heart? I'm not sure it's gonna be that simple.
A crazed man walking around with two ventriloquist dummies? He'll stick out like a sore thumb.
Oh, phooey.
- Lacey? - Hey, Wendy.
- And Wendy's boss.
- Hello, Lacey.
- Oh, have you met Pip? - It's a pleasure.
Boop.
So, what brings you here, Lacey? Irena said this is where we'd find Noser.
- At a ventriloquist convention? - Oh, this is way too good to be true.
Noser doesn't play guitar.
He's a ventriloquist.
I gotta go home and get my camera.
So, Lacey, how have you been? I've been fine.
You know, I mean [laughs.]
OK.
I guess.
Oh, my God, what happened? Oh, it's all right.
- Sorry.
I'm sorry.
- I cut myself shaving this morning.
- With a machete? - [both laugh.]
- Hey, I think I see our client.
- Oh.
Um You'll have to excuse us, Lacey.
Careful with that razor.
Lacey, find Noser and get him out of here.
He's not safe.
- Why not? - Just trust me.
Sir? Sir? Where did the puppets go? - Puppets? - Uh, Vladdy from the auction.
- Where am I? - Excuse us a moment.
- What's going on? - Clearly, this man's suffering from some sort of vampire puppet-induced amnesia.
Vampire puppet-induced amnesia? Sheesh! Wait, if Vladdy's not on his arm, he could be anywhere.
In a convention center full of puppets.
Excuse me, I'm looking for a guy named Noser.
- Noser? - He's about this tall - You're kidding.
- No.
He's got an Afro The Noser? I know what he looks like.
- Have you seen him? - If I'd seen him, do you think I would have flown across the country to enter this contest? Do you have any idea where I could look to find him? Sure, wherever they hand out the gold [beeps.]
medals.
[Vladdy.]
Excuse me, young pretty girl.
- I know where Noser is.
- Aw! He's cute.
- What's his name? - Vladdy.
- Where's Noser, Vladdy? - Follow me.
I'll take you.
You're really good.
I didn't see your lips moving at all.
We should keep our eyes peeled for couples, Dubbie.
Now that Vladdy has his fiancé, he'll be looking to get married.
Hey, look.
I think she found Noser.
- Lacey? - Lacey? - [growls.]
- Get your fangs away from my best friend.
I have a different idea.
Put me on.
I thought the puppets had to get married on two people in love Oh, boss.
- Stay your weapon, Dubbie.
- What are you doing? - Saving Lacey.
- We can do that by putting a stake in Vladdy and Lizzie's - cold black hearts.
- He knows I can't let Lacey get hurt.
- The blood does not lie.
- Pipe down, Pinocchio.
You can't do this.
What about the vampire army and the night of eternal blood? Stop him alone.
I warned you this might happen.
Wendy, if this comes down to the wire and you have to make a choice between me or Lacey, save her.
[Vladdy.]
Don't get any ideas when I'm between arms, or the girl dies.
- Where am I? - Hang back and you'll be cool.
Prepare to reap the whirlwind.
Now, Wendy Watson.
Hand over the stake.
No way.
I'm using you for kindling.
I have a few friends standing behind you who might disagree.
That one might have worked in 1459, but today's woman is a little more savvy.
You created vampire puppet minions and they're all standing behind me, aren't they? Guilty.
Eat her slowly, my children.
Ah! - [cackling.]
- That is so not cool.
Hello.
We'd like to get married.
It's a ventriloquist thing.
Will there be a problem marrying us with our puppets? Goodness, no! I always have time for two people in love.
Sorry, dude.
- [puppet screams.]
- And sorry in advance.
This ring I give you, in token and pledge of our constant faith and abiding love.
- Noser? - Wendy Watson? What are you doing here? - You gotta get out of here.
- I need the prize money.
Look, I sank all my money into my concept album.
I came out of retirement to do this, to pay the rent and finish my record, and Young Noser and I are taking the stage.
Noser, if you don't leave immediately you're gonna Wait, "Young Noser?" Young Noser will be rent limb from limb to save you! Young Noser is my dummy.
The whole point of my act is that he looks exactly like me.
Trust me, Wendy Watson, I get on that stage, this prize money is mine.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
They're about to call me to stage.
Anything else I can do? Not unless you have some purest Carpathian wood handy.
That's weird.
Did you just say purest Carpathian wood? - Yes.
- My old ventriloquism tutor used that expression all the time.
I carved him for you myself, out of the purest Carpathian wood.
[both.]
Minions of the night, arise from your centuries of sleep to feast on the blood of all mankind! You give love a bad name.
[screaming.]
Where's Lacey? - So I guess we, uh - Yep.
- What's going on? - Uh, Lacey got a little overheated in the convention center.
So we brought her here to cool off.
Really? I don't remember that at all.
It's not uncommon for a fainting victim to experience a brief period of forgetfulness.
Save it for class, teach.
Help me stand her up.
My car's parked just outside in the handicapped spot if you want a ride home.
Get a good night's rest.
You'll be fine.
Oh.
[laughs.]
Yeah, of course.
Hey.
Where'd I get this ring? Wendy, why don't you ride home with your friends? I can see to things here.
Good idea.
- Ride lonesome, huh? - Yeah.
That's right.
So, Young Noser, I can't help but notice you look a little different.
Why don't you tell the nice people here what happened to your arms? Oh, three-picture deal, here I come.
- Hey.
I'm watching that.
- Show's over.
- What are you doing? - I want the footage.
Then watch it on-line when I put it on MyFaceInATube.
Noser's very protective about his past, Pip, and it should be his decision whether or not to come out of the - ventriloquism closet.
- Oh, well.
You got your rent money.
Now, you're just being mean.
Can't you do a solid for your friend? Noser's not my friend, remember? Apparently, no one in this building is.
Uh here.
You done good, Pip.
Hey.
Wanna do some more good? - Ow! - [laughs.]
See you around.
So, looks like I'm rooming with your ex-wife.
That was just an evil ceremony, Wendy.
It wasn't legally binding in any way.
I know.
Just thought a spoonful of funny might help the unbearable awkwardness go down.
Oh.
Thanks.
So, you and my best friend True love.
Uh, the success of our demonic puppet marriage would seem to validate that, yes.
You know, you're the one who told me to open the door if true love comes knocking.
None of this would have happened if what you felt for Lacey wasn't real.
Even true love doesn't always work out.
You're one of the good guys.
So is Lacey.
You deserve each other.
What if it's fate? Like my message about Noser.
God knows what it was, but something wanted to get me a message that would save the day.
Who are you to say that something doesn't want you to be with Lacey? If I wanted to be with Lacey, nothing could stop me.
No enemy, not Pip, not you, not even fate.
But, uh - Well, she's not - She's not what? 'Cause from where I'm sitting, she looks pretty good.
She's not the only woman I love.
Good work today, Dubbie.
Hey, Lacey and Noser, and everyone in our building.
We had to celebrate Noser's return to the land of the living.
And there was plenty of green punch left.
Gotta love a recipe that yields nine gallons.
To Noser: our resident man of mystery.
So, I assume the building doesn't know your little secret.
I rushed out of town to spend a few days with my grandmother? - Nah, they know.
- Oh, my gosh, Noser, you'll never believe this.
While you were gone, I totally did your reading and it said you were with your grandmother.
Isn't that insane? - My thoughts exactly.
- I still have the cards laid out.
Come on, I'll show you.
I'm telling you, he's a ventriloquist.
I have everything on camera.
- And where's the tape? - Lacey stole it.
You actually expect me to believe someone as pure-hearted and loving as Lacey could out-manipulate someone as conniving and evil-hearted as you? She distracted me with a kiss.
[laughs.]
Yeah.
This story's getting easier and easier to believe.
- I can't make this stuff up! - [laughing.]
[gasps.]
Wait, - you kissed Pip? - It was for a good cause.
And believe me, it officially eradicated any confusing subconscious attraction - that may have been going on.
- Seriously? You didn't have a sex dream during your pre-party nap? Hello, Lacey.
Nope.
I'm good.
Then that's even more cause to celebrate.
[piano music plays.]