The Middleman s01e12 Episode Script
The Palindrome Reversal Palindrome
OK.
Let's clear the boards and start again.
Three days ago an unknown criminal stole a beryllium sphere from a maximum security medical facility.
Two days later, the same man nabbed an oscillation overthruster from DARPA's Midwestern Autolab.
And he left these.
[Wendy.]
An etched-mirror pictogram at each of the crime scenes.
If we don't crack this, we're gonna wind up manacled to a doomsday device while a friendly female voice counts down the seconds to detonation.
Does this scenario involve me wearing a bikini again? Not necessarily, but it will involve a carefully worded monologue which will be the last thing we hear.
Which is why the situation requires That I watch you meat clowns beat your brains for 11 hours straight? That you complete your search across the Obscure Crimes Database.
Oh, button your onesie.
OCD says 1,012 possible scenarios.
One thousand twelve's just too big a number.
Our criminal's leaving us clues because he needs someone to understand his masterwork.
He wants us to figure out his dastardly scheme.
All we need to do is turn up the gray matter.
Remember, there are no stupid ideas.
A man with a light bulb on mirrors.
Which can't help but reflect your true self.
I've got it.
Our mastermind is none other than the great-great grandson of Nikola Tesla.
Driven mad by accounts that Edison robbed Tesla of his greatest inventions, he intends to resurrect Edison, so as to force the confession that Tesla, rather than Edison, truly invented the light bulb.
Wow.
Imagine the pearls we'll be dropping in another 11 hours.
All right.
Point taken.
I'm calling it.
- You are? - Dubbie, your instincts are on point.
Sometimes putting your nose to the grindstone just gives you a bloody nose.
Go enjoy the soothing balm of your date with Tyler.
Well, what about you? Ida, why don't we run one more theory up the flagpole? Ida? Uh [electronic beeping.]
[Tyler.]
Vintage Game Boy.
Impressive.
And what tiny cartridge beasties are we slaying on this twinkly-lit eve? Those would be the beasties of Castlevania Legends.
I'm not gonna lie to you, some of them are subbing for boyfriends who stand up their dates for three hours.
Grayscale dot matrix relationship voodoo nice.
- So, you want a cold pocket? - Oh, for the love of You cooked, too? Hot Pockets are the American empanada.
So, can we start the groveling apology part of the evening now? Tyler, you told me that you loved that I had a job I was good at.
And I'd be a pretty awful girlfriend if I didn't feel the same way about you, right? I brought a bribe.
Fork it over.
Wow.
It's a tennis bracelet.
A diamond tennis bracelet.
You can stay your inner Lacey.
The diamonds are lab grown.
Completely conflict-free.
Thank you, Tyler.
I guess I'll go take a tennis lesson or two.
Look, I know, it's not you.
Maybe I wasted too much of my childhood in Panama watching badly-dubbed reruns of Dallas.
Well, who didn't want to know ¿quién le disparó a J.
R.
? But seriously, I have always fantasized about being able to buy my lady diamonds.
I hope you like it.
Seeing as how it's completely your fault I got it for you.
Because I kinda love you, Wendy Watson.
Really? You kinda love me? That was an unfortunate turn of phrase.
I meant to say I love you.
Well, in that case, I kinda love you too, Tyler Ford.
- [Middlewatch beeps.]
- [cell phone rings.]
- Just this one call, then the watch and the Bluetooth - Taking a nap in the freezer.
Dubbie, it is I, the Middleman.
Really? Calling me on the Middlewatch that only we have? I was thinking, mirrors.
What if he's creating some sort of massive infinity mirror to reflect, and in doing so, trap all light and mankind inside? Uh, boss, can you hang on a sec? Gotta go clean my nose off this bloody grindstone.
Oh, poop.
Enjoy your date, Dubbie.
- Wendy - Oh, no.
I know that look.
I'm usually the one giving that look.
I'm so sorry.
That was Manservant Neville.
Apparently there's a crisis with our One uMaster Per Child Initiative.
It involves train routes and an angry Malaysian regional governor.
My boss is sending someone to pick me up.
This is sucktacular.
They're downtown, right? At least we have a few minutes to do this.
And this.
I don't know about that.
But we may have some time to do this.
[helicopter approaching.]
What the hell is that? Oh, man.
Oh, it's Manservant Neville.
Your boss? You've got to be [beep.]
kidding me.
[man on speaker.]
Tyler, hurry! We're landing on the roof.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Middleman [Wendy.]
Oh, my God.
Are you crying? No just a little.
And what did you say? I said, "I kinda love you, too.
" At least I think I did.
Pretty hard to hear over the thunderous din of rotating airfoils.
Come on, Dub-Dub.
I know last night may have been a different kind of whirlwind of excitement, - but these things happen.
- Really? How many dates have you had unfold like the second act of Miss Saigon? You're in love! You should be dancing and singing, with little animated mice running up your hand.
Well, what if Fatboy changes him? He used to be a musician.
What if he turns into Tennis Bracelet Guy full time? What if he starts calling people "Bubby" and has some assistant named Ingrid call and cancel our anniversary plans because he's detained in Papua, New Guinea with Manservant Neville because he's been rolling out the uMaster to a forward-thinking cannibal tribe.
- Not seeing it.
- It could happen.
I went through the same thing when you started your job.
Ask Noser.
And look, you're still the same old Dub-Dub.
I just had to be flexible and manage my expectations.
Ew! What's that supposed to mean? It means I've taken a few eggs out of my Wendy basket.
I make back-up plans.
Yet, our Wonder Twin powers are still intact.
I don't know.
I can't shake the feeling that I'm gonna kiss Matt Damon in The Bourne Identity good night and wake up to Matt Damon in The Good Shepherd.
Didn't his girlfriend die in The Bourne Supremacy? Yeah, but he really loved her.
And Tyler really loves you.
It's his circumstances that have changed, not who he is.
[Middlewatch beeping.]
Shoot.
- I gotta - Go to work.
- I get it.
- Just circumstances, right? Our near maniac's managed to strike again, this time at a manufacturer of merriment.
Who steals a beryllium sphere and an oscillation overthruster then hits a toy factory? Today we're grief counselors with the United States Police Force.
- You're Officer Russell, I'm Officer Van Cleef.
- [phone ringing.]
Oh.
I gotta grab this.
- Hey.
- Look, about last night, I I'm just sorry, that's all.
- I called to say I'm sorry.
- Tyler, I get it.
You can't exactly control all the circumstances of your job.
Yeah, I know, but I don't want you to think I'm turning into Tennis Bracelet Guy.
- Tennis Bracelet Guy? - You know, the guy who throws fancy baubles at his girl to make up for the fact that he's not even in the relationship.
Keep going like we are, pretty soon you'd run through all the racquet sport-based jewelry.
I meant the things I said last night, Wendy.
So did I.
And, hey, it's not like I have the world's least demanding job, either.
So, what do you say that you and I set aside a block of Wendy and Tyler time that cannot be touched, like tonight? And if Manservant Neville calls, I will tell him that he can find himself a new assistant.
And what do you say you and I pick up right before I Airwolf'ed off the roof? I'd say tonight sounds great.
Um it's gonna have to be tomorrow night.
- I love you, Wendy Watson.
- And I'm sitting next to my boss.
[computer voice.]
Mama.
Mama.
That's not gonna give me J-Horror nightmares for the rest of my life.
Who steals baby eyes? She was so sweet.
Now she's blind.
They're all blind.
- Mama, Mama.
- [man.]
I don't get it.
I work hard.
I support a wife, an ex-wife.
Two ingrate kids.
I went green before Ed Begley, Jr.
made it cool.
Why can't I cut a break? [sobbing.]
What about me? - [sobbing continues.]
- [inaudible.]
Sir, I realize you're in a precarious emotional state, Sometimes it helps with grief to talk through the trauma.
Now, I understand you found a mirror? Looks like a river.
So, he steals 100,000 toy eyeballs and leaves this.
[Wendy.]
A man, a light bulb and a river.
Maybe his plan is to confuse the hell out of us.
A plan? Dubbie, a man, a plan! Not a river, but a canal.
A man, a plan, a canal Panama.
The perfect palindrome.
Same phrase forward, same phrase backwards.
- Who leaves a palindrome? - Typical super-villain horse feathers.
Can't wait to hear this guy's monologue.
"I'm The Palindrome.
Feel my power.
Power my feel.
Palindrome the am I.
" Peter Piping weirdoes.
But why the eyes this time? They don't seem all that nefarious on their own.
Wait a minute.
Hey, Sob Story.
These eyes, you wouldn't happen to know if they're made out of something special, would you? Like I said, I'm green.
The eyes are polydichloric euthimal.
Non-toxic, biodegradable, safe Eyes Without a Face! Polydichloric euthimal? You fool! Do you have any idea what you've done? What kind of grief counselors are you? Ida, run the following through OCD.
Our villain, shall we call him The Palindrome, has a beryllium sphere, an oscillation overthruster and now a near limitless supply of polydichloric euthimal.
Got it.
Uh-oh.
OCD's talking and it's talking crazy.
Then it's as I feared.
Throw in a sufficient power source and The Palindrome will have everything to activate A Quantum Singularity Machine.
Sorry I popped my cork back there, but this is a sack full of eels and coat hangers.
The Palindrome has the power to open a mini black hole.
Like the kind that eats socks in the dryer? The kind connecting different worlds and parallel dimensions.
My little pony.
If The Palindrome lifts up the space-time continuum's petticoats we'll all be trussed up but good.
Ida, jump on the HEYDAR and search for power spikes exceeding 1.
012 gigawatts.
What is this, my first school play? I already got an address.
Dubbie, it's the fourth mirror.
That's not even Panama.
that's just a hat.
I swear, even if he's not opening a Quantum Singularity, I'm still smoking this guy on principle.
There he is.
House of Pancakes.
The Quantum Singularity Machine's powering up.
Can't we just shoot him? You smell that? Ionized polydichloric euthimal gas.
We discharge our weapons, the entire place goes Vesuvius.
- Right.
- All right.
I confront him, get him off on the monologue, you go around Switch off the machine while he's distracted? Dang skippy.
Break.
- [electronic beeping.]
- So, you thought you'd get away with it.
I get it.
You shoot, I die.
I shoot, you die.
I'm willing to die, are you? So, uh, Mr.
Palindrome, maybe you'd like to tell me why you're doing this? - No.
- Really? No twisted evil plan you'd like to get off your chest? No tale of childhood humiliation you need to share in order to elucidate the path of pure darkness that brought us to this inevitable Manichaean showdown? - Shut up! - It doesn't make sense.
Why set an elaborate clue trail if you have nothing to say when you're found? [whirring.]
[maniacal laughter.]
Dubbie, look out! [screaming.]
Boss? Boss! It's me.
I don't know if you can hear me, but I got sucked in and I'm in hot pursuit of Johnny Won't Monologue.
So, if you're here, now would be a good time to say something.
[man on speaker.]
The world is one family.
We are all sons and daughters, brothers and sisters.
The people united, obedient and loyal to the aims of society that works.
I believe in you, my children, and all I ask in return is that you believe in me.
As your father, your architect, your first among equals.
Remember, Manservant Neville serves you.
The world is one family.
We are all sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, united.
- Sorry.
- Hey.
No cutting.
End of the line.
Line? Line for what? For your daily spray of soup, maggot.
I don't want a spray of soup.
Can I have her soup? Shut up, worm.
Got a fighter, huh? Where's your i.
d.
? You know the penalty.
Your Fatboy i.
d.
Where is it? Sound the alarm.
We've got an unidentified! - Shoot to kill! - [alarm blaring.]
[Neville.]
I believe in you, my children.
All I ask in return [man.]
Second level clear.
[man on radio.]
Two-ten status update.
- [clattering.]
- I think I heard something.
[man on radio.]
Bravo Team, any visual confirmation on unidentified? [Neville.]
Assemble for the Pledge! Assemble for the Pledge! Hey, boss? I don't know if you're getting this, but remember when you said the Singularity might lead to a parallel universe? Well, it did.
I'm pretty much trapped in Alan Parker's 1982 theatrical film version of The Wall.
One corporation above all men Finding a place to hide from the roaming death squads is a top priority.
Oh, and also, I want a raise.
- Who's the man? - Noser.
Thank god.
- I said, "Who's the man!" - [cocks gun.]
Um that would be Shaft? What kind of man? Uhcomplicated man? - Who understands him? - Noser, please.
- Answer me now! - No one but his woman.
Right on.
You can go in.
[dance music playing.]
Of course.
Why wouldn't my living room be an exotic dancer lounge? - Hasenpfeffer? - Excuse me? Rabbit stew.
Lacey's secret recipe.
- Best lunch buffet in town.
- Joe.
Joe 90, Esquire.
Attorney to Fatboy.
Yeah, Bubby, I've got a high security clearance.
You don't know me, do you? Ugh.
- Feisty.
- Let's go up to the champagne room, - see if we can change that.
- [Lacey.]
Wendy Watson! I always knew someday you'd come walking back through my door.
Lacey! Ow! That's for my first year in Fatboy darning camp! - Darning camp? - Yeah.
Storm trooper socks and underwear? And this is for my second year! - God, stop, wait.
- Cat fight! - You abandoned me.
- No, I would never.
Then what do you call it? Freshman year of art school, Fatboy takes over and turns it into management training school.
- That's horrible.
- Back-stabbing [beep.]
Look, just calm down.
You were supposed to meet me at the protest rally, but you sold me out, Dub-Dub.
Took that job over at Fatboy and got me arrested.
Now look at me.
Noser, throw her out! Lacey, I swear, that wasn't me.
I haven't seen your face in five years, Wendy Watson.
And I never need to see it again! Let me go, Noser.
I know the way out.
- [men shouting.]
- Fatboy! Man, I hate these guys.
- Shoot to kill.
- Die, pigs! Fatboy can't know I was here.
They'll pull my clearance.
- Then help me.
- An unidentified? You kidding? Sayonara, Bubby.
There she is.
Get her! [tires squealing.]
- Come with me if you want to live.
- Medic! Get a medic! [weapon fire.]
Thanks, man.
I flashed all the way to my quinceañera before you swooped in.
I heard an unidentified was in danger in Theta Sector and Pip! You know me? Forgive me.
I take great care to know all my parishioners.
Wait.
You're You're telling me that you're Father Pip? A man of the cloth? - Celibate? - I can get you out of the city, my child.
Safe from Fatboy.
Of course, there are risks.
We both might not make it.
You're telling me that you, Pip, a priest, are willing to risk your life for me? - We're all children of the Lord.
- I'm in the mirror universe.
I'm sorry? The mirror universe? The parallel universe, where everyone who's good is evil and evil is good.
It's like that episode of Star Trek where Spock had a goatee and Chekhov tried to Star Trek? You mean the sci-fi series from the '60s starring the great George Takei? It is an evil universe.
Look, I need you to take me to see someone.
There's a man in my world, someone so good, so "aw shucks" wholesome that I just gotta believe he's still the same man here.
'Cause if he's not I might as well just take the fetal position and pop in a thumb.
Where can I find this balm in Gilead? How many times are you gonna watch that real-time situation recording archive? As many as it takes to understand what happened while I was knocked out and where Wendy went.
Where are you? What's with your suit? Where's your beard? The Palindrome goes into the Singularity wearing a black suit and a goatee.
And he exits the Singularity in a light colored suit, sans facial hair.
[Ida.]
Well, either he shaved and changed, or that's The Palindrome from a parallel universe.
Wherever that man is, he has a Quantum Singularity Machine.
If anyone knows where Wendy is, it's he.
Come puppet blood, monkey fudge or terracotta, I'm getting her back.
Hey, state your business.
And make it snappy.
I'm working on my tan lines.
Ida? You're Ida.
Congratulations.
That's officially the least intelligent thing I've heard all day.
Oh, yeah.
You're her, all right.
OK, well, this is not gonna make a lot of sense, but I went through this Quantum Singularity You know, something just occurred to me.
- What's that? - I don't give a baboon's butt about your complicated back story.
Here's how it works.
If you got the cash, we've got the action.
Save the rest of it for your shrink.
What? Did your brain separate from your body in the Singularity? Get a move on! Hey.
I found this one crying in the lobby.
I'll be over here exalting in the fact I can't get cancer.
Shut it before I throw a hook in it.
They're real and they're spectacular.
[Wendy clearing throat.]
Nice bike.
Hello? Earth to man in chaps.
It's not a bike.
It's the Middlehog.
- Oh.
- Let me guess.
You're a Middleman-in-training from a parallel universe.
You were chasing an A-number one nut job when he opened up a Quantum Singularity to this world, inadvertently pulling you through with him.
Now little Dorothy just wants to get back home.
- How'd you guess? - Classic gun strapped to that pretty leg of yours.
Gives you away immediately as a Middle-trainee.
I meant the Quantum Singularity part.
The HEYDAR chimed that there was a rip in space time near the soup lines.
And you didn't investigate? It's none of my [beep.]
business.
- It is now.
- Sorry.
Mirror sidekick or not, I'm just The Middleman.
- I don't lift a finger till you give me my chubbies.
- Excuse me? Chubbies.
Oinkers.
Piggies.
- Cash, money.
- Oh.
Money, I have.
[scoffs.]
Yeah, right! Guess your world's ain't down with the sickness.
Meet Mr.
Chubby.
Ever since Fatboy won the Battle of D.
C.
, these little pink freaks have served as official currency.
So, unless you got something else to sell, - Ida shows you the door.
- How can you call yourself The Middleman? Charging people who need help? - You make me want to puke.
- Puke all you want, sidecar.
This is the United [beep.]
States of Fatboy, baby.
Love it or hate it, everyone sings for their supper.
You can't pay, you're [beep.]
out of luck.
Wow.
Profanity really does cheapen the soul and weaken the mind.
Does this feed the greed? Nicely.
Ida, fire up the HEYDAR.
Middlechick just bought herself a [beep.]
partner.
I have an i.
d.
on the man in the real-time situation recording archive.
His name is Ivan Avi.
His home address: 1997 Plissken Circle.
I hacked Fatboy Surveillance and found an ID of the man who left that power plant with the Quantum Singularity Machine.
His name is Ivan Avi.
His home address is 1997 Plissken Circle.
Let's get [beep.]
to it.
Sir, you may want to freeze.
Grab ankle, [beep.]
.
You'll never make me go back to that horrible place! - Put down the machine.
- Please, I just want my partner back.
- Ah, [beep.]
- Oh, phooey.
I'm never going back again, never.
Not on my life! All I'm interested in is your Quantum Singularity Machine.
If I wanted to build another, could it be done? I just want your Quantum Singularity Machine.
Can I build one, or what? Sure, if you could get your hands on a medical-grade sphere of beryllium and a one-of-a-kind oscillation overthruster.
[maniacal laughter.]
Maniacal laughter.
Didn't see that one coming.
I'm a patient man, Mr.
Avi, if that's your name.
But this old fishing line's reached its breaking strain.
My partner's trapped on the other side of that Quantum Singularity and you're going to tell me how to get her.
Hold on.
Did you say someone's trapped in my world? But that's horrible.
I mean it.
It was supposed to be a one-for-one Ivan exchange.
Exchange.
Jimmy crack corn.
See, our plan was sheer elegance in its simplicity.
Save it.
Just help me understand.
I was born an orphan in a world much like this, only as if reflected through a dark mirror.
That's why The Palindrome left those mirrors.
Oh no, that was my idea.
I always wanted to be an artist.
But I was born into an evil world, skies choked with ammonia, seas full of benzene, baby farms, random suffocations, bears.
- Oh.
- All of it run by Fatboy Industries.
Even as a boy, I knew I didn't belong.
And then I turned 13.
During a freak limbo accident at my Bar Mitzvah party, I severed my pineal gland.
That's when I began having psychic visions of a parallel world, with antitrust laws, lead-free toys, non-aerosolized soup.
I soon realized I was seeing through the eyes of my mirror-self, a wicked boy equally trapped in your world who also lost his pineal gland in a freak accident.
And I can see which one of you got the monologue gene.
Over time we learned to communicate.
Pooling our talents, we each built a Quantum Singularity Machine so we might switch places.
That's all.
I never meant to involve your friend.
Your Quantum Singularity Machine.
If it can't be rebuilt, can its effects at least be replicated? Well, my mirror-universe self and I designed it to simulate the effect of firing a phased polaron cannon at a black hole in outer space from both universes simultaneously.
Theoretically, if you and your partner were to stand in the same place, at the same time, and fire a phased polaron cannon at the exact same point in the sky Sounds like we have a plan.
But no, no, it won't work.
Nobody, and I mean nobody, has a phased polaron cannon.
I do.
In my weapons archive.
- But that's impossible.
Niels Bohr died while building it - [both.]
In 1962.
Ah, Bohr, he's anything but.
You should see the Christmas card he sent me last year.
What a gas.
Ida, I need coordinates for the nearest black hole in our corner of the night sky.
If your universe truly mirrors mine, my counterpart should also have a phased polaron cannon.
Is there any way to get a message to my partner, Wendy, through your twin? Of course, we're psychically linked.
Good.
Ahhh.
He's in this room.
He's in this room right now with your partner.
Ohhhh! He's in pain.
[laughing.]
- That was me asking nicely.
- OK.
That's enough.
Stop it.
Last time I tried that move on Sensei Ping he plucked out my eye.
Holy Kill Bill: Volume 2.
Sensei Ping put out your eye? Why? Maybe because he's a psychotic [beep.]
.
- 'Course he got his at the dread pyramid of - Itzilichlitlichlitzl? - You didn't save him? - Save him? I'm the one who dropped the dime with the Luchadores.
- You're sick.
- [gasping.]
I have a message for Dubbie.
- That's what my boss calls me.
What is it? - He says, "Dubbie, fire the phase polaron cannon at coordinates ascension 16 hours, 3 minutes, 32 seconds, declination 9.
483 degrees from the geographical center of the city - at precisely 9:29pm tonight.
- Can you tell my boss I'm OK? Oh, wait.
There's more.
Come closer.
OK.
Now you're gonna let me go or the girl dies.
Ivan, Ivan, did Wendy get the message? I don't know.
But my brother, he He's dead.
Did you lose a chunk of brain with that eye? It had to be done, sweetheart.
You straight up murdered the one guy who could communicate with my world.
Same guy who had a gun to your throat.
I could have handled it.
I was trained by Sensei Ping, same as you! Look, if I have cause to squeeze a trigger, I'm not gonna pull my punch.
This isn't your world, Bubbles.
I don't step out my door each morning into a field of lilacs and candy canes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it.
This is New Jack City.
Might makes right.
Blah, blah, blah.
Well, look what it's gotten you.
Leather pants and a fake-bake robot.
Hey, I'd use the sun if I could see it.
Just get me the phased polaron cannon and I'm gone.
Trust me, I would, just to be rid of your yap.
But I sold it to Fatboy Industries three years ago to pay the rent on this grease pit.
Well, if you didn't have a problem selling it to the enemy, then you're not gonna have a problem helping me steal it back.
Why don't I save us the trouble and just pull this pin, huh? Whoa, cowboy.
Her idea, not mine.
My advice? Fatboy bombed out Delta Sector last week.
- Real estate should be mighty cheap.
- You think I'm gonna stay here? - Over suicide? - I have people counting on me.
How can you hope your gambit's gonna work? I get to hope because I fight for it.
Bet that sounded real pretty in your head.
How can a man like you live in the same skin and have the same brain as my boss? He wasn't always like this.
He used to be a real Middleman.
But then he died.
Who? - Chief.
I'm surrounded by Fatboy agents.
- Tyler was the Middleboy? Why'd you leave? Chief? Please.
No! Never found the trigger man.
The only clue was that red anodized ray gun.
But if that phased polaron cannon's anywhere, it's in Manservant Neville's private control room at Fatboy Command, leaving one question: how are you gonna get it? [dance music playing.]
I need your help.
So, let me get this straight.
After five years, two of which I spent learning more about men's jockey shorts than any woman has ever wanted or intended, you've come back wanting me to help you break into Fatboy Command? I know how much you hate them.
This could be your chance for revenge.
You've exactly ten seconds to throw your [beep.]
into the street before Noser does it for you! Well, don't you want to hear my offer? - What could you possibly offer? - Something I know I couldn't give you before.
An apology.
I need you to listen.
Because every time you look at me I can see how much I hurt you.
And I'm sure I had my reasons.
Everyone does.
But I can't think of a single one that justifies you being in that darning camp.
And I wish I could take back all the pain that I caused you.
All I can do is say I'm sorry.
I wish I'd been stronger.
But I'm a different person now, and I can't imagine a universe where I don't need your friendship.
There's no way we're breaking in, you know.
Fatboy Command's locked up tighter than a public drinking fountain.
Then it's a good thing you've got a man on the inside.
[dance music playing.]
- Not enough Bunny for one day? - What's with the thunderclouds, ladies? There's plenty of Joe to go around.
And you have photographic evidence.
Oh, God.
They're gonna put me in the beard.
Beard? Standard Fatboy employee torture protocol.
It always starts with the beard of bees.
Just keep it together and you'll have nothing to worry about.
- There any cameras in this place? - No.
Corporate policy.
No cameras allowed on Fatboy premises.
[Ida.]
That girl's out there without a Fatboy card.
She won't get far if they haven't got her already.
- I don't care.
- You know, she reminds me of someone.
- Someone else you didn't help.
- I don't care.
She's going to storm that fortress alone.
This is your chance.
You can make good again.
- Hey, Ida, news flash coming up on the wire.
- Oh, no.
What is it? I don't care.
Then I quit.
Even this obstructed bowel of a planet doesn't deserve a Middleman like you.
This is it.
Manservant Neville's private control room.
Sorry.
I don't have a card for this door.
Oh.
There's just something hinky about that combination.
Assault rifle, assault rifle, futuristic metal thing.
That must be the phased polaron cannon.
OK, good.
Let's split.
This place is giving me the Willy Wonkas.
Uh, Lace? Oh, God.
- What's behind me? - Just stay calm.
And don't turn around.
[screaming.]
Man in a bag! - Man in a bag! - No, no, no.
It's Manservant Neville.
Maybe I didn't read my Fatbible close enough, but isn't he supposed to be in charge of this place? - Well, nobody ever sees him because he's so - Cryogenically frozen? Wendy, stay away from that thing.
Come on, Lace, you really think Mansicle Neville It's you? I don't understand.
Please, haven't you done enough to me? All I want is out of this misery.
I tried to return control to the people.
But you betrayed me.
- I did? - [mirror Dubbie.]
No.
I did.
Dub-Dub, why is there another Dub-Dub? Put down my cannon.
- [clattering.]
- You don't seem surprised to see me.
Our HEYDAR picked up the rip in space.
- You have a HEYDAR? - There's little in this world I don't have.
I know that red ray gun.
You killed Tyler? Oh, right.
The hottie.
Hm, let me guess.
You're a "good guy" in your world, just like Tyler? Really scraping the bottom of that sidekick barrel, aren't you? What is going on? Lacey, so typically behind the curve.
Allow me to explain.
When I was 14, my father disappeared, - under mysterious - And as of yet unexplained circumstances.
Control room combination.
- It's the day Dad disappeared.
- So I never forget.
Never let go of the feeling of things happening beyond my control.
When I saw the tide turn to Fatboy, saw them taking over, I figured, why not be on the side of control for once? After a year of assisting the great Manservant Neville, I saw what he really wanted.
To loosen Fatboy's grip, give the power back to the people and go green, whatever the hell that means.
And so, we went our separate ways.
- His was into this cryo-bed.
- You secretly rule Fatboy.
That explains the no-camera policy.
Uh, guys, when I asked what was going on, I meant about you two being twins.
She's me from a parallel universe, you imbecile.
And yes, Joe-90, there are no cameras here.
I can't have anyone seeing me now, can I? - No, ma'am.
- Thanks for sounding the silent alarm.
You killed Joe-90! As I was saying, only my private guards know the truth about me.
Gentlemen, would you please come up to my control room? Wait.
There's just one thing you haven't counted on.
I was trained by Sensei Ping.
The guards will be here any second.
We're fish in a barrel.
Get the phased polaron cannon.
But please, let me go! - Help! I'm sorry! - Miss Watson? Settle down, gentlemen.
I've got everything under control.
Hey, Dub-Dub, there's just one thing you haven't counted on.
I can prove my identity.
I suppose it's fitting that it should end like this after all our history together.
How can you do this? Kill your best friend and someone who shares your body and mind? Is this who you are? You're right.
What am I doing? I can't do this.
- Really? - Psych.
- Guards, ready.
- Well, it was worth a shot.
I'm sorry, Lace.
- Aim.
- At least I got my Dub-Dub back.
- Sorta.
- Fire.
Eat hot death, [beep.]
.
Cover your eyes! - Who is this guy? - He's just The Middleman.
He's kinda hot.
- [Wendy.]
Sorry about the Middlehog.
- It's just a bike.
Guess you're gonna have to storm the gates and take it back? I'm not about to make fighting Fatboy my daily bread.
First order of business after I send you back is turning this city into a dot in my rear view.
I'm gonna hotwire a car.
Well, you gotta do what you gotta do.
But, uh, thank you.
Don't do that.
- Do what? - Make me your hero.
Good grief, is he always like this? With the perma-frown? - Lace - I'm just glad that the Wendy Watson that I used to know is still alive somewhere.
Man, Dub-Dub, you show up, you make them love you, then you're off into a Quantum Singularity.
- What a tease.
- It's time.
[electronic beeping.]
Stay.
Fight.
You're The Middleman.
If you don't, who will? So, I guess you'll be going? You know, I like the way you handled yourself back there at Fatboy Command.
Have you ever considered the exciting field of temporary employment? I hate to leave you at your doorstep after your harrowing ordeal.
At times like these I wish O2STK had some kind of counseling service.
Well, you showed up to get me.
That's all the reassurance I need.
You know, Dubbie, when I saw my mirror self through that gateway, a single question ran through my mind.
No, you would not look cooler with an eye patch.
A man's got to wonder.
But the question was: how far from that other Middleman am I, really? I have to say, I find it a mite unsettling.
Maybe, but it works both ways.
I know if you, all the yous out there, weren't you to the core, I would have never made it out alive.
So, thanks.
- No.
Thank you, Dubbie.
- I just hope he steps up.
That world really needs its Middleman.
That choice is in his hands now.
Yeah.
We're talking about a guy who chooses to wear leather chaps.
Hello, Lacey.
Hi.
Don't you two get any ideas.
This here's no pleasure craft.
[powers down.]
[sighs.]
Fits just like a glove.
All right, kiddies, let's kick some coil-tailed bacon.
Yes, Mother, me and Tyler are doing just fine.
I promise.
The job is going great.
My boss? Well, he's still into guns, just like Dad.
Yeah, I can't wait to go in tomorrow and see what comes up.
Really? I don't think I've heard you say that before.
You think I sound happy? Well, Mother, that might be because all is right with the world.
Let's clear the boards and start again.
Three days ago an unknown criminal stole a beryllium sphere from a maximum security medical facility.
Two days later, the same man nabbed an oscillation overthruster from DARPA's Midwestern Autolab.
And he left these.
[Wendy.]
An etched-mirror pictogram at each of the crime scenes.
If we don't crack this, we're gonna wind up manacled to a doomsday device while a friendly female voice counts down the seconds to detonation.
Does this scenario involve me wearing a bikini again? Not necessarily, but it will involve a carefully worded monologue which will be the last thing we hear.
Which is why the situation requires That I watch you meat clowns beat your brains for 11 hours straight? That you complete your search across the Obscure Crimes Database.
Oh, button your onesie.
OCD says 1,012 possible scenarios.
One thousand twelve's just too big a number.
Our criminal's leaving us clues because he needs someone to understand his masterwork.
He wants us to figure out his dastardly scheme.
All we need to do is turn up the gray matter.
Remember, there are no stupid ideas.
A man with a light bulb on mirrors.
Which can't help but reflect your true self.
I've got it.
Our mastermind is none other than the great-great grandson of Nikola Tesla.
Driven mad by accounts that Edison robbed Tesla of his greatest inventions, he intends to resurrect Edison, so as to force the confession that Tesla, rather than Edison, truly invented the light bulb.
Wow.
Imagine the pearls we'll be dropping in another 11 hours.
All right.
Point taken.
I'm calling it.
- You are? - Dubbie, your instincts are on point.
Sometimes putting your nose to the grindstone just gives you a bloody nose.
Go enjoy the soothing balm of your date with Tyler.
Well, what about you? Ida, why don't we run one more theory up the flagpole? Ida? Uh [electronic beeping.]
[Tyler.]
Vintage Game Boy.
Impressive.
And what tiny cartridge beasties are we slaying on this twinkly-lit eve? Those would be the beasties of Castlevania Legends.
I'm not gonna lie to you, some of them are subbing for boyfriends who stand up their dates for three hours.
Grayscale dot matrix relationship voodoo nice.
- So, you want a cold pocket? - Oh, for the love of You cooked, too? Hot Pockets are the American empanada.
So, can we start the groveling apology part of the evening now? Tyler, you told me that you loved that I had a job I was good at.
And I'd be a pretty awful girlfriend if I didn't feel the same way about you, right? I brought a bribe.
Fork it over.
Wow.
It's a tennis bracelet.
A diamond tennis bracelet.
You can stay your inner Lacey.
The diamonds are lab grown.
Completely conflict-free.
Thank you, Tyler.
I guess I'll go take a tennis lesson or two.
Look, I know, it's not you.
Maybe I wasted too much of my childhood in Panama watching badly-dubbed reruns of Dallas.
Well, who didn't want to know ¿quién le disparó a J.
R.
? But seriously, I have always fantasized about being able to buy my lady diamonds.
I hope you like it.
Seeing as how it's completely your fault I got it for you.
Because I kinda love you, Wendy Watson.
Really? You kinda love me? That was an unfortunate turn of phrase.
I meant to say I love you.
Well, in that case, I kinda love you too, Tyler Ford.
- [Middlewatch beeps.]
- [cell phone rings.]
- Just this one call, then the watch and the Bluetooth - Taking a nap in the freezer.
Dubbie, it is I, the Middleman.
Really? Calling me on the Middlewatch that only we have? I was thinking, mirrors.
What if he's creating some sort of massive infinity mirror to reflect, and in doing so, trap all light and mankind inside? Uh, boss, can you hang on a sec? Gotta go clean my nose off this bloody grindstone.
Oh, poop.
Enjoy your date, Dubbie.
- Wendy - Oh, no.
I know that look.
I'm usually the one giving that look.
I'm so sorry.
That was Manservant Neville.
Apparently there's a crisis with our One uMaster Per Child Initiative.
It involves train routes and an angry Malaysian regional governor.
My boss is sending someone to pick me up.
This is sucktacular.
They're downtown, right? At least we have a few minutes to do this.
And this.
I don't know about that.
But we may have some time to do this.
[helicopter approaching.]
What the hell is that? Oh, man.
Oh, it's Manservant Neville.
Your boss? You've got to be [beep.]
kidding me.
[man on speaker.]
Tyler, hurry! We're landing on the roof.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Middleman [Wendy.]
Oh, my God.
Are you crying? No just a little.
And what did you say? I said, "I kinda love you, too.
" At least I think I did.
Pretty hard to hear over the thunderous din of rotating airfoils.
Come on, Dub-Dub.
I know last night may have been a different kind of whirlwind of excitement, - but these things happen.
- Really? How many dates have you had unfold like the second act of Miss Saigon? You're in love! You should be dancing and singing, with little animated mice running up your hand.
Well, what if Fatboy changes him? He used to be a musician.
What if he turns into Tennis Bracelet Guy full time? What if he starts calling people "Bubby" and has some assistant named Ingrid call and cancel our anniversary plans because he's detained in Papua, New Guinea with Manservant Neville because he's been rolling out the uMaster to a forward-thinking cannibal tribe.
- Not seeing it.
- It could happen.
I went through the same thing when you started your job.
Ask Noser.
And look, you're still the same old Dub-Dub.
I just had to be flexible and manage my expectations.
Ew! What's that supposed to mean? It means I've taken a few eggs out of my Wendy basket.
I make back-up plans.
Yet, our Wonder Twin powers are still intact.
I don't know.
I can't shake the feeling that I'm gonna kiss Matt Damon in The Bourne Identity good night and wake up to Matt Damon in The Good Shepherd.
Didn't his girlfriend die in The Bourne Supremacy? Yeah, but he really loved her.
And Tyler really loves you.
It's his circumstances that have changed, not who he is.
[Middlewatch beeping.]
Shoot.
- I gotta - Go to work.
- I get it.
- Just circumstances, right? Our near maniac's managed to strike again, this time at a manufacturer of merriment.
Who steals a beryllium sphere and an oscillation overthruster then hits a toy factory? Today we're grief counselors with the United States Police Force.
- You're Officer Russell, I'm Officer Van Cleef.
- [phone ringing.]
Oh.
I gotta grab this.
- Hey.
- Look, about last night, I I'm just sorry, that's all.
- I called to say I'm sorry.
- Tyler, I get it.
You can't exactly control all the circumstances of your job.
Yeah, I know, but I don't want you to think I'm turning into Tennis Bracelet Guy.
- Tennis Bracelet Guy? - You know, the guy who throws fancy baubles at his girl to make up for the fact that he's not even in the relationship.
Keep going like we are, pretty soon you'd run through all the racquet sport-based jewelry.
I meant the things I said last night, Wendy.
So did I.
And, hey, it's not like I have the world's least demanding job, either.
So, what do you say that you and I set aside a block of Wendy and Tyler time that cannot be touched, like tonight? And if Manservant Neville calls, I will tell him that he can find himself a new assistant.
And what do you say you and I pick up right before I Airwolf'ed off the roof? I'd say tonight sounds great.
Um it's gonna have to be tomorrow night.
- I love you, Wendy Watson.
- And I'm sitting next to my boss.
[computer voice.]
Mama.
Mama.
That's not gonna give me J-Horror nightmares for the rest of my life.
Who steals baby eyes? She was so sweet.
Now she's blind.
They're all blind.
- Mama, Mama.
- [man.]
I don't get it.
I work hard.
I support a wife, an ex-wife.
Two ingrate kids.
I went green before Ed Begley, Jr.
made it cool.
Why can't I cut a break? [sobbing.]
What about me? - [sobbing continues.]
- [inaudible.]
Sir, I realize you're in a precarious emotional state, Sometimes it helps with grief to talk through the trauma.
Now, I understand you found a mirror? Looks like a river.
So, he steals 100,000 toy eyeballs and leaves this.
[Wendy.]
A man, a light bulb and a river.
Maybe his plan is to confuse the hell out of us.
A plan? Dubbie, a man, a plan! Not a river, but a canal.
A man, a plan, a canal Panama.
The perfect palindrome.
Same phrase forward, same phrase backwards.
- Who leaves a palindrome? - Typical super-villain horse feathers.
Can't wait to hear this guy's monologue.
"I'm The Palindrome.
Feel my power.
Power my feel.
Palindrome the am I.
" Peter Piping weirdoes.
But why the eyes this time? They don't seem all that nefarious on their own.
Wait a minute.
Hey, Sob Story.
These eyes, you wouldn't happen to know if they're made out of something special, would you? Like I said, I'm green.
The eyes are polydichloric euthimal.
Non-toxic, biodegradable, safe Eyes Without a Face! Polydichloric euthimal? You fool! Do you have any idea what you've done? What kind of grief counselors are you? Ida, run the following through OCD.
Our villain, shall we call him The Palindrome, has a beryllium sphere, an oscillation overthruster and now a near limitless supply of polydichloric euthimal.
Got it.
Uh-oh.
OCD's talking and it's talking crazy.
Then it's as I feared.
Throw in a sufficient power source and The Palindrome will have everything to activate A Quantum Singularity Machine.
Sorry I popped my cork back there, but this is a sack full of eels and coat hangers.
The Palindrome has the power to open a mini black hole.
Like the kind that eats socks in the dryer? The kind connecting different worlds and parallel dimensions.
My little pony.
If The Palindrome lifts up the space-time continuum's petticoats we'll all be trussed up but good.
Ida, jump on the HEYDAR and search for power spikes exceeding 1.
012 gigawatts.
What is this, my first school play? I already got an address.
Dubbie, it's the fourth mirror.
That's not even Panama.
that's just a hat.
I swear, even if he's not opening a Quantum Singularity, I'm still smoking this guy on principle.
There he is.
House of Pancakes.
The Quantum Singularity Machine's powering up.
Can't we just shoot him? You smell that? Ionized polydichloric euthimal gas.
We discharge our weapons, the entire place goes Vesuvius.
- Right.
- All right.
I confront him, get him off on the monologue, you go around Switch off the machine while he's distracted? Dang skippy.
Break.
- [electronic beeping.]
- So, you thought you'd get away with it.
I get it.
You shoot, I die.
I shoot, you die.
I'm willing to die, are you? So, uh, Mr.
Palindrome, maybe you'd like to tell me why you're doing this? - No.
- Really? No twisted evil plan you'd like to get off your chest? No tale of childhood humiliation you need to share in order to elucidate the path of pure darkness that brought us to this inevitable Manichaean showdown? - Shut up! - It doesn't make sense.
Why set an elaborate clue trail if you have nothing to say when you're found? [whirring.]
[maniacal laughter.]
Dubbie, look out! [screaming.]
Boss? Boss! It's me.
I don't know if you can hear me, but I got sucked in and I'm in hot pursuit of Johnny Won't Monologue.
So, if you're here, now would be a good time to say something.
[man on speaker.]
The world is one family.
We are all sons and daughters, brothers and sisters.
The people united, obedient and loyal to the aims of society that works.
I believe in you, my children, and all I ask in return is that you believe in me.
As your father, your architect, your first among equals.
Remember, Manservant Neville serves you.
The world is one family.
We are all sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, united.
- Sorry.
- Hey.
No cutting.
End of the line.
Line? Line for what? For your daily spray of soup, maggot.
I don't want a spray of soup.
Can I have her soup? Shut up, worm.
Got a fighter, huh? Where's your i.
d.
? You know the penalty.
Your Fatboy i.
d.
Where is it? Sound the alarm.
We've got an unidentified! - Shoot to kill! - [alarm blaring.]
[Neville.]
I believe in you, my children.
All I ask in return [man.]
Second level clear.
[man on radio.]
Two-ten status update.
- [clattering.]
- I think I heard something.
[man on radio.]
Bravo Team, any visual confirmation on unidentified? [Neville.]
Assemble for the Pledge! Assemble for the Pledge! Hey, boss? I don't know if you're getting this, but remember when you said the Singularity might lead to a parallel universe? Well, it did.
I'm pretty much trapped in Alan Parker's 1982 theatrical film version of The Wall.
One corporation above all men Finding a place to hide from the roaming death squads is a top priority.
Oh, and also, I want a raise.
- Who's the man? - Noser.
Thank god.
- I said, "Who's the man!" - [cocks gun.]
Um that would be Shaft? What kind of man? Uhcomplicated man? - Who understands him? - Noser, please.
- Answer me now! - No one but his woman.
Right on.
You can go in.
[dance music playing.]
Of course.
Why wouldn't my living room be an exotic dancer lounge? - Hasenpfeffer? - Excuse me? Rabbit stew.
Lacey's secret recipe.
- Best lunch buffet in town.
- Joe.
Joe 90, Esquire.
Attorney to Fatboy.
Yeah, Bubby, I've got a high security clearance.
You don't know me, do you? Ugh.
- Feisty.
- Let's go up to the champagne room, - see if we can change that.
- [Lacey.]
Wendy Watson! I always knew someday you'd come walking back through my door.
Lacey! Ow! That's for my first year in Fatboy darning camp! - Darning camp? - Yeah.
Storm trooper socks and underwear? And this is for my second year! - God, stop, wait.
- Cat fight! - You abandoned me.
- No, I would never.
Then what do you call it? Freshman year of art school, Fatboy takes over and turns it into management training school.
- That's horrible.
- Back-stabbing [beep.]
Look, just calm down.
You were supposed to meet me at the protest rally, but you sold me out, Dub-Dub.
Took that job over at Fatboy and got me arrested.
Now look at me.
Noser, throw her out! Lacey, I swear, that wasn't me.
I haven't seen your face in five years, Wendy Watson.
And I never need to see it again! Let me go, Noser.
I know the way out.
- [men shouting.]
- Fatboy! Man, I hate these guys.
- Shoot to kill.
- Die, pigs! Fatboy can't know I was here.
They'll pull my clearance.
- Then help me.
- An unidentified? You kidding? Sayonara, Bubby.
There she is.
Get her! [tires squealing.]
- Come with me if you want to live.
- Medic! Get a medic! [weapon fire.]
Thanks, man.
I flashed all the way to my quinceañera before you swooped in.
I heard an unidentified was in danger in Theta Sector and Pip! You know me? Forgive me.
I take great care to know all my parishioners.
Wait.
You're You're telling me that you're Father Pip? A man of the cloth? - Celibate? - I can get you out of the city, my child.
Safe from Fatboy.
Of course, there are risks.
We both might not make it.
You're telling me that you, Pip, a priest, are willing to risk your life for me? - We're all children of the Lord.
- I'm in the mirror universe.
I'm sorry? The mirror universe? The parallel universe, where everyone who's good is evil and evil is good.
It's like that episode of Star Trek where Spock had a goatee and Chekhov tried to Star Trek? You mean the sci-fi series from the '60s starring the great George Takei? It is an evil universe.
Look, I need you to take me to see someone.
There's a man in my world, someone so good, so "aw shucks" wholesome that I just gotta believe he's still the same man here.
'Cause if he's not I might as well just take the fetal position and pop in a thumb.
Where can I find this balm in Gilead? How many times are you gonna watch that real-time situation recording archive? As many as it takes to understand what happened while I was knocked out and where Wendy went.
Where are you? What's with your suit? Where's your beard? The Palindrome goes into the Singularity wearing a black suit and a goatee.
And he exits the Singularity in a light colored suit, sans facial hair.
[Ida.]
Well, either he shaved and changed, or that's The Palindrome from a parallel universe.
Wherever that man is, he has a Quantum Singularity Machine.
If anyone knows where Wendy is, it's he.
Come puppet blood, monkey fudge or terracotta, I'm getting her back.
Hey, state your business.
And make it snappy.
I'm working on my tan lines.
Ida? You're Ida.
Congratulations.
That's officially the least intelligent thing I've heard all day.
Oh, yeah.
You're her, all right.
OK, well, this is not gonna make a lot of sense, but I went through this Quantum Singularity You know, something just occurred to me.
- What's that? - I don't give a baboon's butt about your complicated back story.
Here's how it works.
If you got the cash, we've got the action.
Save the rest of it for your shrink.
What? Did your brain separate from your body in the Singularity? Get a move on! Hey.
I found this one crying in the lobby.
I'll be over here exalting in the fact I can't get cancer.
Shut it before I throw a hook in it.
They're real and they're spectacular.
[Wendy clearing throat.]
Nice bike.
Hello? Earth to man in chaps.
It's not a bike.
It's the Middlehog.
- Oh.
- Let me guess.
You're a Middleman-in-training from a parallel universe.
You were chasing an A-number one nut job when he opened up a Quantum Singularity to this world, inadvertently pulling you through with him.
Now little Dorothy just wants to get back home.
- How'd you guess? - Classic gun strapped to that pretty leg of yours.
Gives you away immediately as a Middle-trainee.
I meant the Quantum Singularity part.
The HEYDAR chimed that there was a rip in space time near the soup lines.
And you didn't investigate? It's none of my [beep.]
business.
- It is now.
- Sorry.
Mirror sidekick or not, I'm just The Middleman.
- I don't lift a finger till you give me my chubbies.
- Excuse me? Chubbies.
Oinkers.
Piggies.
- Cash, money.
- Oh.
Money, I have.
[scoffs.]
Yeah, right! Guess your world's ain't down with the sickness.
Meet Mr.
Chubby.
Ever since Fatboy won the Battle of D.
C.
, these little pink freaks have served as official currency.
So, unless you got something else to sell, - Ida shows you the door.
- How can you call yourself The Middleman? Charging people who need help? - You make me want to puke.
- Puke all you want, sidecar.
This is the United [beep.]
States of Fatboy, baby.
Love it or hate it, everyone sings for their supper.
You can't pay, you're [beep.]
out of luck.
Wow.
Profanity really does cheapen the soul and weaken the mind.
Does this feed the greed? Nicely.
Ida, fire up the HEYDAR.
Middlechick just bought herself a [beep.]
partner.
I have an i.
d.
on the man in the real-time situation recording archive.
His name is Ivan Avi.
His home address: 1997 Plissken Circle.
I hacked Fatboy Surveillance and found an ID of the man who left that power plant with the Quantum Singularity Machine.
His name is Ivan Avi.
His home address is 1997 Plissken Circle.
Let's get [beep.]
to it.
Sir, you may want to freeze.
Grab ankle, [beep.]
.
You'll never make me go back to that horrible place! - Put down the machine.
- Please, I just want my partner back.
- Ah, [beep.]
- Oh, phooey.
I'm never going back again, never.
Not on my life! All I'm interested in is your Quantum Singularity Machine.
If I wanted to build another, could it be done? I just want your Quantum Singularity Machine.
Can I build one, or what? Sure, if you could get your hands on a medical-grade sphere of beryllium and a one-of-a-kind oscillation overthruster.
[maniacal laughter.]
Maniacal laughter.
Didn't see that one coming.
I'm a patient man, Mr.
Avi, if that's your name.
But this old fishing line's reached its breaking strain.
My partner's trapped on the other side of that Quantum Singularity and you're going to tell me how to get her.
Hold on.
Did you say someone's trapped in my world? But that's horrible.
I mean it.
It was supposed to be a one-for-one Ivan exchange.
Exchange.
Jimmy crack corn.
See, our plan was sheer elegance in its simplicity.
Save it.
Just help me understand.
I was born an orphan in a world much like this, only as if reflected through a dark mirror.
That's why The Palindrome left those mirrors.
Oh no, that was my idea.
I always wanted to be an artist.
But I was born into an evil world, skies choked with ammonia, seas full of benzene, baby farms, random suffocations, bears.
- Oh.
- All of it run by Fatboy Industries.
Even as a boy, I knew I didn't belong.
And then I turned 13.
During a freak limbo accident at my Bar Mitzvah party, I severed my pineal gland.
That's when I began having psychic visions of a parallel world, with antitrust laws, lead-free toys, non-aerosolized soup.
I soon realized I was seeing through the eyes of my mirror-self, a wicked boy equally trapped in your world who also lost his pineal gland in a freak accident.
And I can see which one of you got the monologue gene.
Over time we learned to communicate.
Pooling our talents, we each built a Quantum Singularity Machine so we might switch places.
That's all.
I never meant to involve your friend.
Your Quantum Singularity Machine.
If it can't be rebuilt, can its effects at least be replicated? Well, my mirror-universe self and I designed it to simulate the effect of firing a phased polaron cannon at a black hole in outer space from both universes simultaneously.
Theoretically, if you and your partner were to stand in the same place, at the same time, and fire a phased polaron cannon at the exact same point in the sky Sounds like we have a plan.
But no, no, it won't work.
Nobody, and I mean nobody, has a phased polaron cannon.
I do.
In my weapons archive.
- But that's impossible.
Niels Bohr died while building it - [both.]
In 1962.
Ah, Bohr, he's anything but.
You should see the Christmas card he sent me last year.
What a gas.
Ida, I need coordinates for the nearest black hole in our corner of the night sky.
If your universe truly mirrors mine, my counterpart should also have a phased polaron cannon.
Is there any way to get a message to my partner, Wendy, through your twin? Of course, we're psychically linked.
Good.
Ahhh.
He's in this room.
He's in this room right now with your partner.
Ohhhh! He's in pain.
[laughing.]
- That was me asking nicely.
- OK.
That's enough.
Stop it.
Last time I tried that move on Sensei Ping he plucked out my eye.
Holy Kill Bill: Volume 2.
Sensei Ping put out your eye? Why? Maybe because he's a psychotic [beep.]
.
- 'Course he got his at the dread pyramid of - Itzilichlitlichlitzl? - You didn't save him? - Save him? I'm the one who dropped the dime with the Luchadores.
- You're sick.
- [gasping.]
I have a message for Dubbie.
- That's what my boss calls me.
What is it? - He says, "Dubbie, fire the phase polaron cannon at coordinates ascension 16 hours, 3 minutes, 32 seconds, declination 9.
483 degrees from the geographical center of the city - at precisely 9:29pm tonight.
- Can you tell my boss I'm OK? Oh, wait.
There's more.
Come closer.
OK.
Now you're gonna let me go or the girl dies.
Ivan, Ivan, did Wendy get the message? I don't know.
But my brother, he He's dead.
Did you lose a chunk of brain with that eye? It had to be done, sweetheart.
You straight up murdered the one guy who could communicate with my world.
Same guy who had a gun to your throat.
I could have handled it.
I was trained by Sensei Ping, same as you! Look, if I have cause to squeeze a trigger, I'm not gonna pull my punch.
This isn't your world, Bubbles.
I don't step out my door each morning into a field of lilacs and candy canes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it.
This is New Jack City.
Might makes right.
Blah, blah, blah.
Well, look what it's gotten you.
Leather pants and a fake-bake robot.
Hey, I'd use the sun if I could see it.
Just get me the phased polaron cannon and I'm gone.
Trust me, I would, just to be rid of your yap.
But I sold it to Fatboy Industries three years ago to pay the rent on this grease pit.
Well, if you didn't have a problem selling it to the enemy, then you're not gonna have a problem helping me steal it back.
Why don't I save us the trouble and just pull this pin, huh? Whoa, cowboy.
Her idea, not mine.
My advice? Fatboy bombed out Delta Sector last week.
- Real estate should be mighty cheap.
- You think I'm gonna stay here? - Over suicide? - I have people counting on me.
How can you hope your gambit's gonna work? I get to hope because I fight for it.
Bet that sounded real pretty in your head.
How can a man like you live in the same skin and have the same brain as my boss? He wasn't always like this.
He used to be a real Middleman.
But then he died.
Who? - Chief.
I'm surrounded by Fatboy agents.
- Tyler was the Middleboy? Why'd you leave? Chief? Please.
No! Never found the trigger man.
The only clue was that red anodized ray gun.
But if that phased polaron cannon's anywhere, it's in Manservant Neville's private control room at Fatboy Command, leaving one question: how are you gonna get it? [dance music playing.]
I need your help.
So, let me get this straight.
After five years, two of which I spent learning more about men's jockey shorts than any woman has ever wanted or intended, you've come back wanting me to help you break into Fatboy Command? I know how much you hate them.
This could be your chance for revenge.
You've exactly ten seconds to throw your [beep.]
into the street before Noser does it for you! Well, don't you want to hear my offer? - What could you possibly offer? - Something I know I couldn't give you before.
An apology.
I need you to listen.
Because every time you look at me I can see how much I hurt you.
And I'm sure I had my reasons.
Everyone does.
But I can't think of a single one that justifies you being in that darning camp.
And I wish I could take back all the pain that I caused you.
All I can do is say I'm sorry.
I wish I'd been stronger.
But I'm a different person now, and I can't imagine a universe where I don't need your friendship.
There's no way we're breaking in, you know.
Fatboy Command's locked up tighter than a public drinking fountain.
Then it's a good thing you've got a man on the inside.
[dance music playing.]
- Not enough Bunny for one day? - What's with the thunderclouds, ladies? There's plenty of Joe to go around.
And you have photographic evidence.
Oh, God.
They're gonna put me in the beard.
Beard? Standard Fatboy employee torture protocol.
It always starts with the beard of bees.
Just keep it together and you'll have nothing to worry about.
- There any cameras in this place? - No.
Corporate policy.
No cameras allowed on Fatboy premises.
[Ida.]
That girl's out there without a Fatboy card.
She won't get far if they haven't got her already.
- I don't care.
- You know, she reminds me of someone.
- Someone else you didn't help.
- I don't care.
She's going to storm that fortress alone.
This is your chance.
You can make good again.
- Hey, Ida, news flash coming up on the wire.
- Oh, no.
What is it? I don't care.
Then I quit.
Even this obstructed bowel of a planet doesn't deserve a Middleman like you.
This is it.
Manservant Neville's private control room.
Sorry.
I don't have a card for this door.
Oh.
There's just something hinky about that combination.
Assault rifle, assault rifle, futuristic metal thing.
That must be the phased polaron cannon.
OK, good.
Let's split.
This place is giving me the Willy Wonkas.
Uh, Lace? Oh, God.
- What's behind me? - Just stay calm.
And don't turn around.
[screaming.]
Man in a bag! - Man in a bag! - No, no, no.
It's Manservant Neville.
Maybe I didn't read my Fatbible close enough, but isn't he supposed to be in charge of this place? - Well, nobody ever sees him because he's so - Cryogenically frozen? Wendy, stay away from that thing.
Come on, Lace, you really think Mansicle Neville It's you? I don't understand.
Please, haven't you done enough to me? All I want is out of this misery.
I tried to return control to the people.
But you betrayed me.
- I did? - [mirror Dubbie.]
No.
I did.
Dub-Dub, why is there another Dub-Dub? Put down my cannon.
- [clattering.]
- You don't seem surprised to see me.
Our HEYDAR picked up the rip in space.
- You have a HEYDAR? - There's little in this world I don't have.
I know that red ray gun.
You killed Tyler? Oh, right.
The hottie.
Hm, let me guess.
You're a "good guy" in your world, just like Tyler? Really scraping the bottom of that sidekick barrel, aren't you? What is going on? Lacey, so typically behind the curve.
Allow me to explain.
When I was 14, my father disappeared, - under mysterious - And as of yet unexplained circumstances.
Control room combination.
- It's the day Dad disappeared.
- So I never forget.
Never let go of the feeling of things happening beyond my control.
When I saw the tide turn to Fatboy, saw them taking over, I figured, why not be on the side of control for once? After a year of assisting the great Manservant Neville, I saw what he really wanted.
To loosen Fatboy's grip, give the power back to the people and go green, whatever the hell that means.
And so, we went our separate ways.
- His was into this cryo-bed.
- You secretly rule Fatboy.
That explains the no-camera policy.
Uh, guys, when I asked what was going on, I meant about you two being twins.
She's me from a parallel universe, you imbecile.
And yes, Joe-90, there are no cameras here.
I can't have anyone seeing me now, can I? - No, ma'am.
- Thanks for sounding the silent alarm.
You killed Joe-90! As I was saying, only my private guards know the truth about me.
Gentlemen, would you please come up to my control room? Wait.
There's just one thing you haven't counted on.
I was trained by Sensei Ping.
The guards will be here any second.
We're fish in a barrel.
Get the phased polaron cannon.
But please, let me go! - Help! I'm sorry! - Miss Watson? Settle down, gentlemen.
I've got everything under control.
Hey, Dub-Dub, there's just one thing you haven't counted on.
I can prove my identity.
I suppose it's fitting that it should end like this after all our history together.
How can you do this? Kill your best friend and someone who shares your body and mind? Is this who you are? You're right.
What am I doing? I can't do this.
- Really? - Psych.
- Guards, ready.
- Well, it was worth a shot.
I'm sorry, Lace.
- Aim.
- At least I got my Dub-Dub back.
- Sorta.
- Fire.
Eat hot death, [beep.]
.
Cover your eyes! - Who is this guy? - He's just The Middleman.
He's kinda hot.
- [Wendy.]
Sorry about the Middlehog.
- It's just a bike.
Guess you're gonna have to storm the gates and take it back? I'm not about to make fighting Fatboy my daily bread.
First order of business after I send you back is turning this city into a dot in my rear view.
I'm gonna hotwire a car.
Well, you gotta do what you gotta do.
But, uh, thank you.
Don't do that.
- Do what? - Make me your hero.
Good grief, is he always like this? With the perma-frown? - Lace - I'm just glad that the Wendy Watson that I used to know is still alive somewhere.
Man, Dub-Dub, you show up, you make them love you, then you're off into a Quantum Singularity.
- What a tease.
- It's time.
[electronic beeping.]
Stay.
Fight.
You're The Middleman.
If you don't, who will? So, I guess you'll be going? You know, I like the way you handled yourself back there at Fatboy Command.
Have you ever considered the exciting field of temporary employment? I hate to leave you at your doorstep after your harrowing ordeal.
At times like these I wish O2STK had some kind of counseling service.
Well, you showed up to get me.
That's all the reassurance I need.
You know, Dubbie, when I saw my mirror self through that gateway, a single question ran through my mind.
No, you would not look cooler with an eye patch.
A man's got to wonder.
But the question was: how far from that other Middleman am I, really? I have to say, I find it a mite unsettling.
Maybe, but it works both ways.
I know if you, all the yous out there, weren't you to the core, I would have never made it out alive.
So, thanks.
- No.
Thank you, Dubbie.
- I just hope he steps up.
That world really needs its Middleman.
That choice is in his hands now.
Yeah.
We're talking about a guy who chooses to wear leather chaps.
Hello, Lacey.
Hi.
Don't you two get any ideas.
This here's no pleasure craft.
[powers down.]
[sighs.]
Fits just like a glove.
All right, kiddies, let's kick some coil-tailed bacon.
Yes, Mother, me and Tyler are doing just fine.
I promise.
The job is going great.
My boss? Well, he's still into guns, just like Dad.
Yeah, I can't wait to go in tomorrow and see what comes up.
Really? I don't think I've heard you say that before.
You think I sound happy? Well, Mother, that might be because all is right with the world.