The Millers (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

Hey, guys.
Hey, Uncle Nathan.
Hey, you want breakfast? Adam just made smoothies.
Yeah, this is a new thing we've been cooking up down at the cafe.
It's got seaweed, fish oil, kelp and plankton.
And a little splash of blueberry.
Is it too sweet? Tastes like somebody dropped a Popsicle in a tide pool.
How come he gets to spit out his food but I can't? Your uncle's given a lot of money to help our business.
Not given.
Loaned.
And as a partner Not a partner.
Guilt tripped at a barbeque.
He can spit out whatever he chooses.
Now finish that, please, and go get ready for school.
Speaking of loans Oh, thanks.
Mom's been asking about the rent money.
Yeah, we'll pay you back.
It's just been a little bit slow down at the cafe.
But you know what they say: Every new business loses money for the first ten years.
Oh, turn this up.
It's gonna be me.
What do you do when conventional parenting just isn't doing the trick? Our own Nathan Miller reports.
While this type of discipline may seem unorthodox to some, not everyone in the neighborhood sees this as cruel and unusual punishment.
It's about time his parents did something.
I'd like to see his jackass brother wearing a sign that says, "I say mean things about mature women's breasts"" well, apparently gravity is not the only one who can be cruel.
Ooh, Myrtle Beach area code.
Hello? Your father flooded the basement.
- Again? - Yep.
Same way.
Left the hose on all night.
Claims he got distracted by a skinny squirrel.
Dad flooded the basement again.
Nathan's here.
I'm gonna put you on speaker.
No, no, no.
Hey, hey! Mom? Hey.
Debbie, we're driving up to stay with you until the landlord dries things out, but your father said he needed to ask you something.
Tom, pick up.
Whoa.
You're coming here today? Good lord.
Could you pick up the phone one time without hitting the redial button with your chin? It's like your idiot trumpet fanfare announcing the king of stupidity has arrived.
Hello? Hey, dad.
What kind of toothpaste do you have? The tube kind.
Are you not packing toothpaste? Your mother said not to waste ours 'cause I can use yours.
I can't believe we're paying long distance for this.
It's toothpaste, Tom.
You can use whatever they have.
Cinnamon hurts my tongue.
This is ridiculous.
We'll see you tonight.
Tom, hang up the phone.
She never answered about the toothpaste! It's not cinnamon, dad.
Okay, good.
'Cause cinnamon hurts my tongue.
Tom, hang up! Debbie, we'll see you tonight.
Nathan, did Janice read the article I sent her about fertility tips? Um uh, yes, I think she did.
Were the positions helpful? They looked dangerous.
Have a safe trip, mom.
I got to say, when you first told me not to tell mom and dad about the divorce, I had my doubts.
But lying to them has been really fun.
I feel like I'm back in my shoplifting days.
Well, thanks.
I got to say, I'm a little surprised you haven't told them yet.
Are you kidding me? The golden child gets a divorce and now he's hiding it from them? Suddenly, getting knocked up at a yoga retreat by the mid-Atlantic hacky sack champion doesn't look so bad.
Let's just get through this visit.
I know that I have to tell them sooner or later, but later just feels so right.
So the next time your kid blurts out a naughty word, instead of reaching for the soap, maybe send him outside for a little public humiliation.
Did you learn your lesson, Zachary? Shut up, , before I wrap your around your And shove my in your.
I'm Nathan Miller, walking your streets.
Come on, just one little party.
I'll invite some girls over.
You didn't get a divorce from Janice so you could sit around the house alone every night.
I just don't know if I'm ready to get back - into the whole dating game.
- You're on TV and you are wasting it! You think when I was on assignment with Geraldo in Afghanistan, he wasn't using his celebrity status to get some mideast tail? You're telling me that Geraldo Rivera slept with a lot of Afghani women? Well, I'm not really sure 'cause they put him in a different hotel than me.
But if he didn't, he's a fool just like you.
All right, you're right.
- Maybe I can have one little party.
- Good.
- Invite some girls.
- Yes.
Yeah, maybe it's yeah.
Maybe it's time for me to get back on that horse.
Get on that horse! Giddyup! What are you doing here? You're supposed to be staying at Debbie's.
We had a fight.
She painted my purple room green.
It's called "the purple room.
" How can it be green? She thinks just because she pays us rent and don't think I don't know where that money is coming from she's allowed to redecorate my house all willy-nilly.
Can I have some water? After all this rigmarole, I'll never get to sleep without my pill.
Yeah, I'll get it.
Just have a seat, both of you.
Check your pedometer.
The doctor said 10,000 steps a day.
Eighty-nine.
No, no.
Wait a minute.
I it's upside-down.
Sixty-eight.
Get some exercise and take the bags upstairs.
I don't want you to die before your life insurance matures.
What are you doing? Getting you water.
I don't want to use up all your fancy bottled water.
It's the same thing that comes out of the faucet for ten times the price.
Pour it back.
Look, mom, what does it matter? It's already I've I've already poured God, it's not worth it.
It's so not worth it.
Don't spill it! It's expensive! I'm doing the best I can! It's not engineered to go in this direction! Where are all those colonial Williamsburg throw pillows I gave Janice for Christmas? You didn't get rid of those, did you? No.
No, no, no.
I I think half of them are still here somewhere.
Where's Janice? She's not upstairs.
Y yeah.
A about Janice.
Wh why don't you both sit down for a sec.
Why would we need to sit down? Where's Janice? Is Janice dead? It wasn't one of those dangerous sex positions, was it? No.
No, Janice is not dead.
- Please, just sit down.
- No.
People always tell you bad news when you sit down.
I'm gonna stand.
Okay, but whether you're standing or sitting, I'm still gonna say the same thing.
We'll see about that.
I'm gonna stand.
Great.
Fine.
Stand.
Janice and I split up.
What?! Janice and I got divorced.
What?! No, no, no, no, no, no! You're not getting divorced! Well, we already did and it's okay.
I'm very happy.
I'm very, very come on, dad.
Don't be like that.
Dad, don't you want your son to be happy? I'm very happy.
What are you doing? I'm trying to get the sleeping pill up.
I can't fall asleep now.
We're in the middle of an emergency! Mom, we're not in an emergency.
This happened three months ago.
Three months? I have to call her.
What's her number? - What's her number?! - No, please.
Just don't throw up.
I can't believe this is happening.
You got married in my church.
You were both so happy! For your first dance, you danced the dance from Dirty Dancing.
That's not the kind of marriage that ends in divorce.
We only danced to that song because it's your favorite movie.
And don't forget, you refused to come unless we agreed to do it.
And it was so romantic, people cried.
You're welcome.
Look, mom, it's it's a lot - Dad, what are you doing? - Leaving.
Oh, Tom, stop it.
I'm not crawling back to Debbie's house.
Oh, you're not coming with me.
Excuse me? blabbity blah blah blah.
And every time I brought up divorce, you convinced me we had to stay together for the children.
First they were too young, and they needed both their parents.
Then they were in college, and that kind of turmoil could disrupt their education.
Then, after they got married themselves, God forbid we set a bad example and show them that divorce is an option.
Well, apparently it is an option.
This one gets divorced after three years just because he wants to be happy?! Happy?! Well, guess what! I want to be happy! Come on, dad, you can't do this.
You've been married for 43 years.
Let's call it 33, since we haven't had sex in ten.
That's not true.
Last year, on your birthday, in the shower.
Oh, my God.
You walked in on me masturbating! Oh, please stop.
Please And I stayed until you finished your business! That counts! I think I'm gonna black out! No, it doesn't count.
It doesn't count because you were criticizing me the whole time! You were doing it wrong! Who holds it like that?! Your child is in the room! I'm done, Carol.
If he gets to be single, so do I.
And find someone else to put cream on your feet, since I never could do it right anyway.
You run your fingers between my toes like you're sawing a piece of wood! I wish I was sawing a piece of wood.
I'd get less splinters! Look what you did.
So far, being single has been amazing.
I didn't have to make his coffee for him this morning.
I didn't have to remind him not to put metal in the microwave.
I swear to God, I should've gotten a tax deduction for living with that man.
Mom, did you clip my toenails while I was sleeping? Just a smidge.
Not enough to wake you.
But now that you're up, I'd like to have another shot at that left pinky.
Oh, will we be here between 10:00 A.
M.
and 4:00 P.
M.
a week from Saturday? I don't know.
Why? Who are you tag to? Oh, some woman named Achudalic or Achugala or Achu Sweetheart, I hear you, but every time you say it, it sounds different to me.
She works for the moving company.
I'm having all my stuff shipped from Myrtle Beach.
What?! She doesn't need her stuff! Mom, you and I can't live together.
No, I I didn't get divorced from one controlling woman just to turn around and become roomies again with the original puppet master.
You're getting a call.
Hold on, Appaloosa.
Hello.
You're gonna have to get over here.
Ow! Oh! You're gonna have to get over here now.
I didn't know it was a rule for all microwaves.
I thought it was just the one at our house that you couldn't put metal in.
Why do my parents call you Forrest Gump? I don't know.
Maybe they think I look like Tom Hanks.
What happened to lying? I like lying.
Why did you tell them about Janice? Look at what you started.
Me? You're the one who painted the purple room green.
You lit the fuse.
You lit the fuse.
Okay, well, we have to fix this.
I can't take care of dad.
Great.
You want to switch? I'll take dad.
Oh, no.
You and mom should be together.
You're very similar.
Well, that was uncalled for.
Check it out.
Band-aids! If your cheap mother was here, she'd fold up a little square of toilet paper and stick it on with scotch tape.
Or maybe she would have stopped you from putting metal in the microwave and flushing your bathrobe belt down the toilet this morning.
That was crazy.
Spun me around like a top.
So when someone asks you what it looks like when they fill a sinkhole back up Well, now you know.
I'm Nathan Miller, walking your once-again sturdy streets.
Oh, you were just on TV! When are they gonna give you any of the real stories? Well, you know what? You got to work your way up, mom.
Even old Brian Williams started Did you fart? Yes.
Gross! Go outside or something.
Well, I didn't know about it.
You'll see.
This happens when you get older; they just slip out.
Oh, my God.
Oh, relax, it's a fart.
Some people think they're funny.
Yeah, but when you can hear them.
When you can hear them, they're funny.
Without sound, they're just gross.
You're acting silly.
You're a silly Billy.
Silly Billy Beary, that's you.
Have you been drinking? No.
I took a sleeping pill.
All this change has my head full of snakes.
Can't relax.
Party time! Whoo! Aw, man.
If that's the girl I met on the Internet, she was lying to me big-time.
That woman is not Tahitian.
Ray, this is my mother.
Mom, this is Ray.
Nice to meet you! Well, nice to meet you.
Apparently, I passed gas recently, so if that's made its way over into your area, I apologize.
I definitely walked into something over here, but I wasn't gonna say anything.
Your mother raised you right.
Listen, I don't think I can have a party here tonight.
I kind of got some family stuff going on.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Have your party.
I'm going to bed.
No, you won't bother me.
I like her.
Whee! I'll open the wine, you open a window.
Hey, what are you doing? I'm watching my dad try and figure out how to work the TV.
There is no way he's gonna figure that out on his own.
You should've seen me earlier when I was trying to teach him how to use the ice dispenser.
You know, I started yelling at him and he was panicking, and I just I felt really bad, so I started crying a lot, you know, and there was ice all over the pla it was like the last ten minutes of Titanic in here.
Because if he gets frustrated enough, maybe he'll realize he can't live on his own, and he'll go running back to my mom.
Yeah.
I think he just opened the garage door.
Uh, that closed it again.
Uh, it's opening.
And closing.
You know, he really must hate what he's watching right now.
I found one that still watches the news.
She's really cute.
Yeah.
She's a student-slash-barista- slash-personal trainer- slash-amateur trapeze artist.
She's got a lot going on.
Indeed.
She also owns a saltwater fish tank.
Those are not easy to maintain.
So, Ray tells me you haven't had sex since your divorce.
Did he say that? God, it's nice of him to share that information.
Don't worry, I think it's cool.
I've always wanted to be someone's first.
Do you think "first after a divorce" could count? Well, I'd I'd be willing to bend the rules if you are.
Hey-hey! Look who's up! Let me ask you a question.
If you were tarragon leaves, where would you be at? God bless 'em.
Old white women love their ice cream.
Hello.
I'm recently single.
And I can't get pregnant.
Oh, my God.
- What the hell are you doing? - Mingling.
I'm single now.
And I can't get pregnant.
- Right.
Oh, this music's awful! If I'm gonna meet someone, we need something more romantic.
Look, mom, you took a sleeping pill and you're acting kind of nutty, so you need to go back to bed.
Oh! Dirty Dancing! My favorite! Who wants to dirty dance? Nobody! Look, mom, you're making a sure thing a very questionable thing right now.
I need a spoon.
Spatula was a bad choice.
I'll get you a spoon, and then you're gonna go to bed, okay? One second.
Sorry.
Live-in housekeeper she's a bit of a handful.
Hey! I think your dad found the lost remote for the bed.
What are you doing? No one wanted to dance with me.
I think I have to get in shape.
You're gonna hurt yourself, mom.
You live with your mother? What? No, it's a term of endearment.
All I ever wanted was someone I love to dance with like you and Janice did at your wedding.
I wasted 43 years of my life with the wrong man.
It's okay, mom.
Starting over is hard.
Trust me, I'm scared, too, but we're gonna get through it.
That's easy for you to say.
You're young; you can still find someone to dance with.
My life is over.
No, it's not.
Look, we're both starting over in a world that we know very little about.
Don't give up.
You're gonna get to do that dance.
With someone who loves you, I promise.
You're a good son.
You're a liar, but you're a good son.
Enjoy your party.
I'll stay out of your way.
Mom? I'm not a liar.
This is either gonna be very sweet or very creepy.
Creepy! Did you fart? Probably.
Nathan and his mother's house.
Well, well, two times in one morning what now? It's not the remote this time.
I can't figure out their coffeemaker.
What kind is it? It's a white one.
Okay, you're gonna have to start reading all the buttons to me.
Let me find my glasses.
The only reason I'm helping you with this is so you'll learn to live on your own.
I know.
Did you find them yet? No.
Are they on your head? Nope.
I, uh, think I left them in the bathroom.
Hold on.
Found them! Long live the king.