The Millers (2013) s01e04 Episode Script

Hey, sorry we're late with the snacks.
We left the house late, plus we had a little situation at the grocery store.
Yeah, thanks to that uppity cashier.
You should have seen her face when I asked her to double-bag our ice cream in plastic.
It was like I was using a chain saw to cut my way through the Amazon.
How dare she? I'm the original recycler.
This shirt used to be a curtain.
Oh, God, let's just keep the curtains closed, huh? Wait, you guys haven't ordered a movie yet? No.
Dad's taking forever to pick.
The alternative is to let Mikayla pick, and then we end up watching The Muppets - for the 20th time this month.
- Yeah, and frankly, I think Mikayla's too young to be seeing Gonzo's nose.
Tom, please let me cut your hair.
You look like you got a mullet on backwards.
The only person I trust to cut my hair is Carol, and she said I lost that privilege in the divorce.
Your dad had a little bit of an incident with a barber a few years ago.
The guy wasn't paying attention and he stabbed me in the eye! He nicked him.
He almost blinded me.
There's still three shades of green I can't see.
I go from mint to hunter.
Emerald, kelly and forest? Gone! You can use my barrette if you want, Grandpa.
Ah, thanks, sweetie.
Mom, come on.
Would you please just cut the man's hair? He looks like he's in some sort of senior citizens boy band.
He should have thought of that before he left me.
Besides, I'm too busy taking care of the new man in my life.
You.
How do I look? Like someone who's about to watch The Muppets.
No! No, it's fine with me.
That little gray frog is a hoot.
But what the birthday boy doesn't realize is that the costumed bear is actually his decorated father returning home from a second tour in Afghanistan.
Dad! Son! So heartwarming.
Look at you, Nate.
This is not the first time this has happened.
If you keep yawning, we're gonna get stuck doing traffic, and you know how I feel about helicopters! They defy the laws of nature.
No wings! Name one thing in nature that flies around with a giant propeller on its head and a smaller one sticking out of its ass! I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm not tired.
My mom takes her bra off at 7:30 every night to watch Jeopardy, so I try to make sure I'm in bed by 7:29.
Well, according to the Internet, if you're not tired, yawning can be a sign of stress or anxiety.
Okay, so maybe I'm stressed.
Life can be stressful.
What am I gonna do about it? Well, lucky you know me.
I got a guy.
Yeah, last time you had a guy, I ended up getting my teeth whitened in a van.
And? And viewers wrote in about my dazzling smile.
You're damn right they did.
So trust me when I tell you, I got another guy.
He's a therapist.
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
No, hear me out.
It's not what you think.
This guy's real cool.
No couches, no tweed jackets.
And he already likes you.
That argument that you and I had about sharing ChapStick he totally took your side.
Look, I don't know, man, I've always felt secretly superior about the fact that I've never been to therapy.
If I lose that, all I've got is the fact that I have a nearly imperceptible sneeze.
God bless you.
Thank you.
Miller, you interested in anchoring the 4:00 news this Saturday? Phillips has the stomach flu.
He's blowing it out both ends like some kind of Chinese firecracker.
Well, yeah, are you kidding? I'd love to anchor the news.
I mean, any chance to get behind that desk would be very, very exciting.
Really? Because you look about as excited as my wife watching me undress.
And believe me, the feeling is mutual.
Oh, sorry, the yawn.
Yeah, n no, I just I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
Well, make sure you get to bed early on Friday.
Nobody wants to see their anchor yawn.
The last thing we need are people realizing that the news is boring.
Hey, why didn't you tell me that he was coming? I didn't hear his tiny footsteps.
He's so little, he must have came from under the table.
So, I I think that's everything that's been going on with with my work and my family, and and I just I just can't figure out why I'm yawning so much.
Thanks for sharing, bro.
Life is a salad bar, and you got a lot on your plate, man.
What do you feel is stressing you out the most? I don't know, it's it's kind of hard to pinp Oh.
Shh.
Don't rush to words.
Use your music.
Tell me with the tambo.
Yeah.
Get a beat.
Yeah, yeah.
When you're making music, you're making progress.
You got a beat, now add the lyrics.
Since I'm paying you, maybe you can just Tell me what's wrong.
It's your mom, bro.
Whoa come on, really? D doesn't that seem like the easy answer? Dude, you told me yourself, she lives with you in your house, all up in your biz.
Well, I'm pretty sure I said "business," but doesn't everybody come in here and just "tambo sing" about their mom? I don't want to be that guy.
Would it make you feel better if we called her your roommate? How is it living with your roommate? It's awful.
You know you can take your own turn, right? And if you could, uh, direct me to a coffee place nearby, that'd be great.
Sure, no problem.
Mom, would you please put the map away? I will not.
It makes no sense to pay all this money to get advice from some stranger who could easily send us careening off a bridge because she's too busy changing her baby's diaper.
Hey, Mr.
Miller, I can call you back if now is not a good time.
Oh, that's okay, thanks, it'll never be a good time.
Tea tree oil shampoo.
Keeps your hair from going thin.
I'm in the shower.
So what? You're wearing your bathing suit.
Because of the last time! Has your mom always been this smothering? Well, uh, she's in my driver's license photo with me, so Yeah, I guess it's a pattern.
All right, well, have you ever suggested that she move out? No, I I couldn't do that.
I mean, she's she's she's seen enough change already.
I mean, I mean, it can't be easy being single again after 43 years.
When I think about it, it's actually amazing how brave she's been.
That's a really nice thing to say, bro.
Have you ever thought of cutting your mom off a healthy slice of that truth pie? Well, it's kind of hard giving her compliments when she's so busy criticizing me.
I haven't even told her about the anchor gig, 'cause I don't want to spend two hours hearing how I pronounce my T's a li'l weak liddle little.
Look, dude, I think that maybe she's concerned about you because she thinks she's made such a mess out of her own life, and maybe if you made her feel better about herself, then she'll back off on you.
I guess I guess if we're gonna stop arguing, somebody needs to make the first move.
I I could be nicer.
A whole lot of nice never stressed anyone out.
Well, I am finally getting a chance to anchor the news this Saturday, and I can't yawn my way through that.
I mean, I've already got one strike against me.
I, uh, I threw my 40th birthday party at Six Flags, and my boss couldn't ride any of the rides.
Nathan, don't get mad at me, but I had to rinse my underwear out in the bathroom.
So don't get your panties in a wad when you find my panties in a wad.
You know what? We're all human.
As roommates, it's good that we can all be comfortable around each other.
Good, okay.
Happy to hear it.
What? Mom, I want you to know I know you are going through a lot right now, and I think that you are an amazing woman, and I think that you're very, very brave.
Nathan, that is so sweet.
Why are you telling me this? Well, just just because.
Because what? I don't know, because because I love you.
I don't understand what the big deal is.
Nathan's always nice to you.
Oh, sure, he'll hold the door for me or help me get my pantyhose off after a long hike, but but this was different.
He held my hands, looked me in the eye, and told me I was brave.
Who does that? Well, I don't know.
I mean, I told Dad he was brave earlier when he agreed to let Adam get near him with the scissors.
Actually we're not quite there yet.
We're still on finger scissors.
If he does well, we'll move up to chopsticks.
Something's going on with your brother, and if you know what it is, a mother has a right to know.
Is he on drugs? Is he sick? Am I sick? With what? No virus would want to live in such a hostile environment.
Am I right, Adam? Ow! You poked me! You turned, man.
I made a joke at my ex-wife's expense.
You're the only other guy in the room.
You got to anticipate the turn! We're done here! Mikayla, get the big box of crayons! I got to see what colors I lost this time! Seriously, you need to tell me what going on with your brother.
Yeah, I told you, Mom, I don't know, okay? Why don't you just hide in his trunk and see where he's going, like you did with me in high school? That was a long time ago.
Things have changed since then.
Oh.
Welcome to On Demand Assistance.
How can I help you, Mr.
Miller? I need to speak to someone who's a mother.
Natalie has children.
Natalie, please.
Welcome to On Demand Assist My name's Carol, and my son's been acting strange.
I'm worried sick.
I'm asking you, mother to mother, to tell me where he's driven lately besides work and home.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
That's against regulations.
Carol, are you still there? I had to stop recording.
Yeah, I'm still here.
Good, let's do some mothering.
How about 6342 Park Road? It looks like an office complex.
That could be anything.
I've got an idea.
Thank you for calling Brayton Credit.
My name is Trisha, how may I help you? Do you have children, Trisha? Seven.
Then you can help us.
We need to know any charges made by Nathan Miller at a billing address of 6342 Park Road.
Nathan's my son, and he's been acting strange.
Say no more.
I just need his card number and, for security purposes, his mother's maiden name.
At least your son has a job.
My son invested all his money in a pool cue with a laser at the end of it.
Now he spends all day on the couch driving the cat crazy.
Dr.
Johnson's office.
Did she say doctor's office? Oh, my, this could be bad.
Shh.
Uh, excuse me? Sorry, I need to see a doctor about my foot problem.
Would that be something this type of doctor could help me with? Well, not unless you want to talk about how your foot is making you feel.
Dr.
Johnson is a therapist.
- A therapist? - Thank you.
Why would he need to see a therapist? He has a mother.
Well, it looks like Natalie's not the only one with a son on the couch.
Huh? Am I right? I hope I have provided you with excellent customer service.
Dr.
Johnson, it's nice to finally meet you.
It's wonderful to meet you, too, Carol.
You, too, Tom.
She said if I came, she'd cut my hair.
Our son Nathan says you're great, and I was hoping Tom and I could work towards a healthier divorce.
Mm.
Not just for us, but for our children.
And our children's children.
I just need an inch and a half taken off the bangs.
Therapy is like a big body of water.
You can dip your toe in the little stuff, but if you want to make a real splash, you got to cannonball right into Lake Iwannatalka.
I think our biggest problem is that Nathan's coming to talk to you because he's depressed? In debt? Being bullied? Is someone picking on my little boy? All right, how about we just focus on you two? Tom, what's in your heart right now? - I don't think Tom really - I guess it all started the day I was born.
Uh, I was raised by a cruel woman, I married a cruel woman, I get my dry cleaning done by a cruel woman.
Meet Herbie.
This little guy isn't just adorable.
He's also a hero, after alerting his family to a house fire.
Tragically, not everyone made it out alive.
Their nine-year-old son lost his goldfish.
Damn, Nate! I thought you fixed this! I I saw your therapist.
I'm trying.
Do I need to pull up images of helicopter crashes? I saw one yesterday of a guy who lost just his lips.
He's smiling, but I promise you, he's not happy.
But to be honest, there's a reason she's the only person I trust to have scissors near my eyes.
That's lovely, Tom.
Carol, you ready to dive in? Water's warm.
Tom, I had no idea you felt that way.
And I do want to be friends, but I just I just I'm sorry, Doctor.
I have something I want to share, but I don't feel comfortable saying it in front of you.
All right, all right, that's cool, guys.
Take your time.
I'll just be right outside working on my rock opera.
What are you doing? I thought you were about to tell me something.
I'm telling you to shut up and watch the door.
Whatever Nathan's been telling him has got to be in this notebook somewhere.
I thought we were here for therapy.
Oh, please.
Therapy is something celebrities do to fill their days between colonics and adultery.
Ah.
Here it is.
"Nathan Miller".
Found him.
Hey, man.
Did we have an appointment today? No.
I was hoping that maybe you could squeeze me in.
Oh, actually, uh I'm in the middle of a couple's sesh right now.
There's something about me.
More stuff about me.
Come on, Nate.
Enough small talk about Mom.
Let's get to the problem.
Sure is a lot about you in there.
I'm his mother.
He loves me.
Ah.
Oh, here it is.
His roommate is driving him Never mind.
Crazy? Is his roommate driving him crazy? I used to have a roommate that drove me crazy.
Let's just get out of here.
Yeah, man, circle back in half an hour, and we can fit you in.
See Zip me into a beanbag! Quick! What are you doing here? Oh! We're we're we're going to therapy.
Right, Tom? No.
No, she tricked me into coming here so she could read your therapist's notes.
Which she did when he left the room.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Feels good to get things off your chest.
Carol, good luck.
I'm gonna buy some goggles and go to the barber shop.
What is wrong with you? Me? You're the one complaining about me to a stranger! Apparently, I'm all "up in your biz.
" I asked you repeatedly to change that to "business"! What's so wrong about a mother taking an interest in her son's life? You have an opinion about everything.
What I'm wearing, how I hang my toilet paper, what kind of dreams I should have.
I don't like you falling all the time! It makes me nervous! And excuse me if I like being helpful to my son.
You never seemed to mind the extra attention when you were younger.
Well, of course not.
I was a kid who needed help to survive! But now I'm a grown man who's supposed to be living on his own, but every time I turn around, there you are with that harsh, judging look.
Yeah, that's the one.
Most sons appreciate having a mother in their lives.
They don't hate it! I don't hate it.
I just I just hate feeling like I always have to put on a face for you.
Oh, baloney.
You don't have to put on a face for me.
I do, Mom.
I do.
I do.
Otherwise, all you're gonna see is a stressed out, 42-year-old divorced dude with with no kids and a career that's nowhere near where he dreamed it would be.
And I just I don't want to be that guy, because because I know that you worked so hard to put me through school and to give me opportunities, and sometimes I feel like I'm just like I'm letting you down.
Put that damn thing away! Nathan, never in a million years would I have known you felt this way.
Yeah, well, it's it's kind of news to me, too.
It kills me to think you'd ever feel ashamed around me.
Every day you give me a reason to be proud of you.
You're a wonderful son.
Local celebrity on the news every night Mom, stop it.
Unless you had more.
And handsome.
So handsome.
Plus, you had the courage to end a marriage before it turned sour.
You say I'm brave? You're the one who's brave.
I guess I get it from you.
Wow.
What a breakthrough.
I guess someone's gonna be yawning a lot less.
So, Nathan, I guess I'll see you Wednesday for our weekly therapeutic jam sesh? I don't think so, Doc.
You come near my boy again, and I'll drown you in Lake Iwannatalka.
So after spending five days on a raft without food or water, the captain and his crew are now resting comfortably at an area hospital.
Yeah.
Way to not eat each other, fellas.
Thanks for choosing us for your Saturday afternoon news.
Stay tuned for an infomercial about dehydrating fruit.
He didn't yawn once.
Can't believe your father is missing this.
Where did you say he was again? Uh, I'm not sure.
He said he wanted to take Adam somewhere, but he was being pretty secretive about it.
All right, I think we're making some real progress.
Let's take it again from the top.
Oh, I accidentally poked you in your eye Oh, did you "accidentally" Poke me in my eye? Perhaps I really meant to poke you 'Cause you always eat my cereal And I get stuck with the last bagel which is rye And I hate rye.