The Millers (2013) s01e09 Episode Script

Ooh! Hot apple tarts.
Well, almost hot.
The microwave's acting up again.
Yeah, just chip through the icy crust until you get to the hot apple center.
But be careful because we lost two forks this morning on frozen breakfast burritos.
Why don't you just let me buy you a new microwave? Because I can't keep relying on you every time something breaks.
You already bought us a new dishwasher, a coffee maker, then there was the vacuum.
Well, that one actually didn't break.
Goodwill came to the door, and I, uh, panicked.
When I gave your mother that microwave for our anniversary, she was speechless.
Best $79 I ever spent.
I should've married Burt Reynolds when I had the chance.
You never had the chance.
From the age of 18 to 42, I could've had any man.
Any man.
I haven't had to do this much work for this little reward since Homecoming.
You know what? I'm gonna buy you a microwave.
That's it, I'm done.
Also I'm done with this.
I'll take it! Oh-ho, Mikayla, no.
I said no sweets for a week.
Mikayla was caught twerking on the playground.
Yeah, so she's being punished.
That's how you discipline? No sweets for a week? Your parents are the ones who should be punished for robbing you of a learning experience.
Debbie, why didn't you give her one of my apology reports? Because I'm punishing my child.
I'm not torturing her.
What's an apology report? Well, as a former teacher, I had my kids give a presentation that stated what they did wrong and showed equal parts imagination and sincere regret.
Debbie always had trouble with the sincere part.
"Sorry that I used all your fancy soaps to give my dolls a bubble bath.
I'm also sorry that you're too cheap to buy me new dolls.
" Try again.
Lose the attitude.
Again?! That's, like, ten times! "I'm sorry that I used all your fancy soaps" If you just put a little more effort into them like Nathan did, they would've been a lot easier.
A little effort? He spent the whole day in the basement making an elaborate video.
It was like he was trying to win the Oscar for Best Suck-Up.
That is not true.
We didn't get awards.
Although if we did, I definitely would've won one.
Yo, yo, yo, America! And my-Mom-i-ca.
You're watching Nate TV.
I didn't mean to scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch your car.
From, from, from, from, from, from now on, I'll practice my golf swing in the back, back, back, back, back, back, backyard.
None of the records you care about were hurt in the making of this video.
I'm-a go make my bed.
No matter how much trouble Nathan was in, I could never stay mad at him after one of his masterful apology reports.
He was like a little Bill Clinton.
You know, uh, my dad used to be a cop, so anytime I would have a fight with my sister, he would just handcuff us together until we made up, which worked.
Except now my sister's into some - pretty weird stuff.
- Well, we have our own parenting style, and I'm not making Mikayla do an apology report.
They were humiliating.
That's what made them so funny.
I used to tape 'em and show the guys at work.
Bet I still have the tapes in the basement.
Unless I recorded Matlock over 'em.
Either way, we got a fun night ahead of us.
And you scored a 14, which makes you a "Hot Tamale"! Oh! I don't need a magazine to tell me that.
Hey, Ray, what are you doing here? It's not Downton Abbey night.
Ray's gonna crash here for a couple of nights.
Yeah, I had a big girl over at the house.
It's gonna take a couple of days before my memory foam mattress forgets about her.
Nathan, the appliance store called.
They delivered Debbie's new microwave today and charged your card.
Oh, that's so nice you bought your sister a new microwave.
Your boy is the whole package: Handsome, generous and real gentle with a back-scratcher.
He's the sweetest child a mother could ask for.
That's the reason he's my favorite.
That's very nice of you, Mom, but you shouldn't say that.
- Parents don't have favorites.
- Oh, I'm sure some do.
I heard Jeffrey Dahmer's brother was a smooth jazz pianist.
But even if he isn't, I bet he never ate a foot.
You hear what I said? - I heard what you said! - All right, look, Debbie is not a serial killer.
My mom's just being silly.
She doesn't really have a favorite.
Sure, I do.
You.
All right, I think you've had enough.
Oh, come on! I'm just being honest.
I didn't say I didn't love your sister.
I love you both the same.
But when it comes to like, I think I like you a teeny bit more.
- Okay, Mom, stop it.
Come on.
- Ooh, a teeny-weeny bit more.
All right, all right, all right.
Look, yes, truth be told, I get why I'd be the favorite.
Yeah, and, you know and I'm flattered.
But you just you can't say stuff like that out loud.
If Debbie heard, she'd be upset - and she would definitely overreact.
- Oh, please.
She'll be fine.
She's got your dad.
What do you mean she's got Dad? She's your father's favorite.
Yeah, r right.
Wait, you're telling me that Debbie is Dad's favorite? And you're my favorite.
Yeah, clear on that.
Let's get back to the Dad and Debbie thing.
Relax.
I didn't say he didn't love you.
He just likes her a teeny-weeny bit more.
I can see that.
Oh, really, Ray? You can see that? Well, what possibly prompts you to think that my dad could-could possibly pick Debbie over me? Well, for one thing, Debbie doesn't pop her Ps and get spittle in my Zinfandel.
I can't believe him.
I'm his firstborn son! I mean, Debbie? Come on! Has he even met her? It's no contest! Nathan, you're just being silly.
Mmm.
Don't give it another thought! And don't be so greedy! You're your mom's favorite.
You're my favorite.
How many people's favorites do you need to be?! Everybody's! Did you watch last week's Downton Abbey? Has Lord Grantham lost his mind?! Right! - Hey, guys.
- Hey, Nate.
Thanks again for this microwave.
It's awesome.
It's quiet, it cooks.
It's like the perfect wife.
Huh? Am I right, buddy? Am I Uh Never mind.
I'm not that guy.
So, uh I guess the-the microwave is Adam's new favorite appliance.
Would you agree with that? Would you would you say that Debbie's microwave is your favorite? Oh, yeah, sure.
Oh.
So, uh so you like Debbie's microwave more than mine? Well, it's newer.
Oh.
So newer's always better for you, huh? Even though you've known my microwave longer? Nathan, did you double up on your diet pills again? No, Dad.
Mom told me that Debbie is your favorite.
Wait.
Really? Why-why would she say that? Let me guess.
She was drinking wine from a box.
Yep.
Always does it.
With the bottle, she knows to stop at the label.
With the box, she can't see how much she drank.
She'll just keep going until she starts making prank calls to Chinese restaurants.
So I-is it true? Is Debbie your favorite? Dad, don't be rude.
Nathan's asking you a question.
Is Debbie your favorite? Please say that Debbie is your favorite.
I love you both the same.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's not what I asked.
- What's going on? - Mom told Nathan I was Dad's favorite.
- Nice! - I know, right? Okay, just put your high five back in your pocket.
He hasn't answered quite yet.
Sophie's Choice, Dad, let's do it.
Debbie and I are in a building, it's burning to the ground.
Who do you pull out? I don't know.
What floor are you on? Dad, it doesn't really Second floor.
Whose building is it? It's mine! It's an investment.
Stop stalling.
Why yours? It could be my building.
What-what building are you gonna buy? God, your credit score looks like a speed limit.
I had to co-sign for you to get cable and they still turned you down for Showtime.
Maybe someone in Adam's family died and left it to us.
Yeah, probably my Uncle Nick.
He smokes in bed.
Who cares? There's still a chance to save one of us.
Who is it? Who? Who? Just say it.
I'd save Debbie.
- Ah! Aw - Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh.
Finally.
Finally, I'm number one at something in this family.
Oh.
Oh, I wish I had a tiara.
Ooh.
Ooh, ooh.
You know what? I have one in the garage.
Who's a hoarder now? You're really loving this, huh? Well, guess what.
I'm Mom's favorite.
Why aren't you freaking out? The same reason I don't freak out every morning when the sun comes up.
It's not a surprise.
Dad, how could you pick Debbie over me? She can't even appreciate the majesty of a new day dawning.
I don't know, Nathan.
Maybe it's because you were always hanging on to your mother so I spent more time with Debbie.
Plus, you anl did have that rough patch after the loose change incident.
I was eight.
I took some change out of your sock drawer.
And then you lied about it.
Sure, Debbie got in trouble sometimes, but she never lied to me.
Yeah, because if you don't have your word, what do you have, Nate? Right, Pops? She never lied, huh? Well, how 'bout in high school when she said that she broke your bed practicing a gymnastics routine? Well, the guy she broke your bed with was named Jim, so there were some Jim-nastics involved.
Nathan! Debbie, is Nathan's pun true? Uh, Dad, I can explain.
Oh I-I was young, you know? And I'd just been introduced to peach schnapps and tube tops! Debbie, we had a deal.
You would always be honest with me and I would never embarrass you in front of your friends with my underwater voice.
Well, all bets are off.
What the hell is wrong with you? Look, I'm sorry, okay? It just I was upset, and I shouldn't have said it.
I but Come on, you're a grown-up.
What's he gonna do, ground you? No, but I still have to live under the same roof as him.
You know, I have to see him every day.
How would you like it if? What are you smiling at? Come on, Debbie.
Don't do this.
Where's my mother? She's upstairs in her room.
She's been there since your dad called and told her you broke their bed.
I haven't seen anybody that mad since I heckled Kramer in that comedy club.
I can't believe you would desecrate yourself and your great-grandmother's bed while we were Save it.
In about 20 seconds, you're gonna forget all about your stupid bed.
I love you, Mommy.
She could be telling her anything.
I keep so many secrets from my mom.
I can't believe that my last meal is gonna be egg whites and turkey bacon.
Have fun with Mommy.
Don't worry.
I'm here for you, buddy.
She's not gonna yell at you if you got a friend over.
Good luck.
I know what you did.
Yeah, I know what I did, too.
I did it and-and I'm sorry.
- Sorry about what? - The thing I did.
Come on, we've already gone through this.
Could I? Just, look, let's move on.
I want to hear you say it.
Fine.
I smoked pot once.
Twice.
A handful of times.
I just wanted to understand the drug before I crusaded against it.
Not it.
Okay, the exchange student that we hosted for a semester was just my friend Billy doing a funny voice.
Not it.
Okay, okay.
When I was 20, I got a tattoo, but it was just I didn't tell you because I-I I know your wedding was fake! Debbie told me that you and Janice got married in Vegas three months before you had your wedding in my church.
Want to go back to my tattoo? It's really stupid.
It's just my it's my Donkey Kong high score, and I beat it, like, two days later.
How could you? You lied to me.
The plan was to elope and ditch the big wedding altogether, and I couldn't do that to you, so, maybe you want to thank me? Oh, yeah, Nathan, thank you.
Thank you for robbing me of the opportunity to see my only son actually get married.
Thank you for lying to me about it.
And thank you for making me feel like a fool.
You've broken my heart, Nathan.
But don't worry about it.
Just pretend it never happened.
You're good at that.
I'm still your favorite, though, right? I do.
As my wife, you are the second most important woman in my life.
How'd that look before her head fell off? Pretty good.
Check it out.
This is gonna be my best apology report yet.
It totally looks like we're in a chapel.
Yeah, then we're going to head over to the poolside reception where, using some footage from one of your old home movies, I gave your mom her dream date.
A Mr.
Burt Reynolds.
There's no way she can stay mad at me after this.
Hey.
What are you doing in my basement? Making my apology report for Mom, thanks to you and your big mouth.
All right, now, let's, uh let's get started on my Dad's video.
- Oh.
- Wait a second.
Why are you making a video for Dad? He's mad at me, not you.
Well, he still seems upset about the whole loose change incident.
Oh, my God.
You are such a weasel.
You're gonna use this whole situation and try to become Dad's favorite.
That's not what I'm doing at all.
Oh, please.
Why do you always have to outshine me? The whole reason we're in this mess is because you couldn't stand the fact you weren't everybody's favorite in the first place.
All I'm doing is apologizing.
Feel free to do the same thing.
Oh, really, Mr.
Big Shot? Really? Because the last time I checked, I don't have a fancy camera, or fancy special effects, or a fancy cameraman.
No offense Ray.
You didn't say anything insulting.
I am fancy.
"Mr.
Big Shot"? Where is that coming from? Your coffee mug does say it.
I'm not drinking out of it right now, Ray! I'm surprised you don't put it on a chain and wear it around your neck.
Well, that is ridiculous.
Coffee would go everywhere! Can you believe her talking to me like that? What the hell are you doing? I'm giving back your stupid microwave.
You only bought it for me to look good in front of Mom and Dad anyway.
That thing was brand new.
You can't just be throwing around appliances! And there's your toaster.
Because I don't need Dad to be reminded you're more successful than me every time he feels like heating up his underwear.
Debbie, you're acting crazy! Did you buy your sister a dishwasher? Yeah, a really nice one.
I would get the hell out of the way.
Get out the way! Ugh! Can't believe I have to be here for Nathan's stupid video.
I'm very happy to be here.
Something tells me after I see this apology report, I'm going to be back in the hug business.
This is gonna be my best one yet.
Mom, Dad, Debbie, I give you The Millers News.
We're here in Las Vegas, city of sin, and home to the biggest sin in Miller family history my secret Godless drive-thru elopement.
It all started when Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep as a boy, growing up Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beepady, beep, beepady, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beepady, beep, beepady, beep, beep, beepady, beep, beep, beep, beep, beepady, beep, beep, beepady, beep, beep, beep, beep, beepady, beep, beep, beepady, beep, beep, beep, beep Some breaking news.
Earlier today, a man was almost hit with a flying microwave and a flying toaster and a flying dishwasher.
And it turns out, he deserved it.
What happened to Vegas? So this afternoon, I sat down with that handsome, but flawed man to get to the bottom of why he always needed to outshine his sister.
Nathan, first, thank you for being here.
Thank you for having me, Nathan.
Oh, thank you for thanking me.
All pleasantries aside, your sister said some hurtful things, yes? Yes, she did.
At first, I thought she was crazy, but then, I started to wonder, was she was right? And if so, why was I acting that way? I'll ask the questions here.
Was she right? And if so, why were you acting that way? I'm not sure.
But thl was editing some old home movies, and things started to make sense.
You see, in the beginning, there was just me, the undisputed number one child.
I was the center of the Miller universe.
But then, one day, a bright new star appeared Baby Debbie.
Isn't she lovely? And Debbie, you were adorable.
Perhaps too adorable.
Because before I could realize what was happening, I went from number one to number two.
Nathan, stop breathing on the baby.
I knew that if I wanted Mom and Dad's attention, I had to work harder.
Breaking news! Breaking news! This is Nathan Miller reporting live from the scene of Debbie Miller's first steps.
Oh, how clever.
Tom, are you getting Nathan? Asked to comment on her first steps, the youngest Miller said, "Gaga googoo.
" And that's when I knew I was onto something.
And from there, I ran with it.
Isn't she lovely? Life and love are the same Life is Ais The meaning of her name I wasn't just out shining men's shoes.
I was outshining my sister.
Debbie, what can I say? I've been an ass, and I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
Well, that seems very sincere.
Debbie, whoever you are, your brother seems very sorry, and I think you should forgive him.
This is Nathan Miller sitting in your basement.
You made me an apology report.
Well, I owed you one.
And the whole reason you have to be number one is because you're insecure about me? Well, how can I not be? You're you're sweet, you're cute, you've got those big, adorable eyes.
You're like a puppy made out of kittens.
Got to work pretty hard compete with that.
Well, you've put up a pretty good fight.
Listen, I bet the appliance store downtown is still open.
What do you say we go replace a few items? My treat.
Okay, but, um, I'm only letting you do this to build your self-esteem, Mr.
Big Shot.
Wait a second.
I'm confused.
I thought your mother and I were here for an apology.
Yeah, where's my apology report? No puppet show, no tap dance, not even a lousy poem? For God sake, a haiku's only 17 syllables, and it doesn't even need to make sense.
You know, Mom, after 42 years, I finally realized that I I don't need to be so desperate to please everyone.
So I said I was sorry, and if that's not good enough for you, then, you got to deal with it.
Well, that was rude.
I had a hug all locked and ready to go.
Guess I can just use it to bring in the trash can.
Hmm.
Where are Adam and Mikayla? Her punishment was over, so he bought her a big bag of candy and took her to a movie.
What time was the movie? You wan to have sex? Why not? But this is the last time.
We got to stop this.
- We're supposed to be divorced.
- I know.
Just need something to spice up a Friday night.
It's this, or we could watch your old tapes of Matlock reruns.
- I'll get the tapes.
- I'll get the popcorn.