The Millers (2013) s01e11 Episode Script

I feel like I have an unfair advantage over you since I grew up in a house that was falling apart.
Nathan, we've got a problem.
Yeah, Mom, it's tragic that they're turning the Yarn Barn into a Starbucks, but I am not gonna spend another weekend in a crocheted poncho chanting, "Are we gonna fight?" You're gosh yarn right.
" This is bigger than that.
Debbie's having money problems, and she's worried about the future of her and Adam's yoga café.
Yeah, of course she is.
The café is meat-free, gluten-free and customer-free.
I had their seaweed smoothie once.
First time I ever had a drink that tasted better coming up.
Yeah, well, anyway, she she hasn't mentioned anything about it to me.
She hasn't mentioned it to anyone.
Then how do you know about it? Oh, no, Mom, no.
Come on.
When Debbie turned 18, we vowed that we'd never read her diary again.
You read her diary? That's a sin! At school, I wouldn't even read Anne Frank's because she didn't give me permission! Look, Ray, I promise, we only ever did it to help her.
When she was eight, she cried a lot but wouldn't tell us why, so I bought her a diary that had a secret key, the secret being that I had another copy.
Hmm.
And that's how I learned that she was wetting the bed.
And like a good older brother, I wet my bed, slept in it, and in the morning Mom told the whole family it was no big deal.
You spent the night in pee?! Why didn't you just pour some water on the bed after you woke up? Nobody likes a Monday morning quarterback, Ray.
Anyway, according to her diary, Debbie's thinking about selling her diamond necklace.
Wait.
The one she inherited from Great Nana Ruth? Yes.
Come on, Nathan.
Debbie needs us.
Well, I guess I could convince my boss to do a story about healthy living.
We could feature Debbie's café.
Be like a free commercial.
Perfect! But before I go, the secret pledge.
If family's in trouble, we're there on the double.
Mother and son combine as one.
Should've kept that a secret.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
- Hey, listen, uh, can you do me a favor? I'm doing a story on healthy living, and I need to feature a place that has food and exercise.
Are you serious? I mean, being on the news is like free publicity.
We could really use that right now.
Wow.
Here I was thinking that you were doing me a favor, but if it helps all of us, even better.
Great.
Okay.
Uh, I guess we'll just ask you guys a couple questions about the café.
Wait.
Hold on a second.
Wait.
We're gonna be on TV? Okay.
Should I do glasses or no glasses? All right.
I'll be sexy.
Smart.
Sexy.
Smart.
Sexy.
Oh, man! That Great Nana Ruth's necklace? Look at it, around your neck, where it should always be.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Hey, I'm gonna get Adam's Whispering Frog costume.
Do you think there's a way we can work our slogan in? "Come for the yoga, namaste for lunch"? Sure.
Anything to take the focus off the food.
Hey, Tom.
Playing yourself in chess, huh? Who's winning? Too early to tell.
He is.
You should bring some of your buddies down here.
I think they could use the business.
I don't really have a lot of buddies.
At my age, all the decent men either get swept up - by women or God.
- Well, if you're looking for a friend, there's a guy in my building, Walter.
Real cool cat.
He's divorced like you, dapper, listens to jazz.
I don't know much about jazz.
I did watch a jazzercise class once, and I I remember enjoying that an uncomfortable amount.
Great! There's jazz in the park every Saturday.
The three of us should go.
Sounds good.
Uh, listen, uh Ray, do you mind not telling Nathan you're setting me up? He'll tell Carol.
It'll be a nightmare.
- What are you talking about? - Well, Carol always teased me for being awkward around people, claimed that she was the only reason we had any friends.
So, anyway, if she finds out you're having to set me up, she'll know she was right.
I'll never hear the end of it.
It'll be like that that time I got Krazy Glue on my hand.
Mmm.
I reached down to scratch my I just don't want to hear about it.
Yeah.
So if you Leesburgers are looking for something other than cheeseburgers, well, the Whispering Frog Yoga Café h has a healthy list of daily specials all made from organic ingredients.
Like their slogan says, come for the yoga and And come for the yoga.
She means "and namaste for lunch.
" And come for the yoga.
It's great.
I love it.
Can't believe they aired it four times today.
Thank you so, so much.
Oh! Business was great today.
We got to do that thing where you take money to the bank.
Anyway, here's a little token of our appreciation.
Adam turned some leftover mung beans into thank you muffins.
Oh, great.
I'll just I'll put these in the kitchen.
Inside some Tupperware.
Inside more Tupperware.
Inside my garbage.
- Debbie, I'm so glad business is booming.
- Yeah, thanks.
- I mean, Nathan's the best.
- Well, you know what they say.
Behind every good man is a good woman.
Usually his mother.
Okay, I got to go.
Thanks again, Nate! Uh, Debbie, with all those new customers running around, you may want to tuck your great-grandmother's necklace into your shirt.
That's a family heirloom we should never be without.
It's just I wear this necklace all the time, no one says anything about it, and then suddenly both Mom and Nathan mention it? Did you tell them we were thinking of selling it? Did I tell your family, who still wishes you had married that lawyer Richard, that we may have to sell a precious heirloom in order to save our failing business? No, I did not.
Well, if you didn't say anything, I mean Adam.
I think Mom and Nathan might be reading my diary.
Hey.
Is this too much? I want to make some friends, so Ray is setting me up with a guy in his building.
Oh.
Well, that's nice.
Just don't tell your mother, but Ray said this guy is very dapper, and I want to impress him, so I've been digging deep in my closet.
How 'bout this? Dad, is that from Mikayla's Girl Scout uniform? Damn it! I hate all my clothes! You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd think your dad has a crush on this guy.
What if you read it in my diary? Would you believe it then? - Why would you write it - Listen, if Mom and Nathan are reading my diary, they're never gonna admit it.
But if I put something fake in it, you know, maybe I could trap 'em.
Okay, wait a second.
You don't actually think you can convince Nathan and your mom that your dad is gay, do you? Mikayla's doll had some clip-on earrings.
Does this make me look as cool as Harrison Ford? Cooler, Dad.
- I'll get a pen.
- I'll get my diary.
What? I was reading Debbie's diary again.
And? And we might be going to a lot more parades.
Wait, you're telling me that Dad is gay? That's what Debbie wrote.
Well, maybe she just misunderstood.
I mean, maybe he was just agreeing with her about something.
He has a really weird way of saying "okay.
" "Mmm-kay.
" Kind of sounds like "I'm gay.
" "Mmm-kay?" "I'm gay.
" "Mmm-kay.
" "I'm gay.
" "Debbie, I need to tell you something.
Mmm-kay?" Listen, when I read it, it was hard for me to believe, too.
But now, thinking back, I can't deny that there were signs.
He was always primping in the bathroom, almost as bad as you.
Hey.
I got carded buying beer last Friday, so whatever I'm doing is worth it.
You know what? Your father was always a little awkward trying to make friends with other men.
I used to make fun of him, but I never realized he might've been sizing them up for sex.
Oh, come on.
Dad's awkward with everybody.
He spent 45 minutes talking to Tommy Lee Jones at a wax museum.
It all makes sense now.
All the years of fighting, his impatience with me.
This is why our marriage fell apart.
Ah! I feel like a weight has been lifted.
He wasn't divorcing me.
He was divorcing his heterosexuality.
Wait, you're actually giddy about this.
You want him to be gay, don't you? I won't deny that there are upsides, not just for me.
When he falls asleep on the couch after dinner, he deserves to be with somebody who's strong enough to carry him up the stairs.
I'm gonna call and tell him it's okay.
No, no, Mom.
Stop it.
Stop it.
No, no, no.
Come on.
Look.
There's no way that Dad is gay.
Besides, if you just ask him, Debbie's gonna know that we've been reading her diary.
Oh, fine.
Debbie invited us over for that thank you dinner.
We'll just dig around then.
Oh, I thought of another sign.
During sex, when he called out my name, I swear, sometimes instead of "Carol," he was saying "Carl.
" Wait, wait.
Wait a second.
That was sex? I used to hear Dad through the wall and just thought he was on the phone with a guy named Carl who was taking a long time to finish something.
Come on down, Dad! Let's see how you look! Are you sure you bought me the right shirt for tonight? Do guys really dress like this? Sure.
Yeah.
Certain guys do.
Yeah.
Oh, that must be Ray with my new friend.
Oh, no, no.
No, no.
It's it's Carol and Nathan.
What are they doing here? Dad Dad, just tell her you're going to a jazz concert with a friend, okay? She doesn't need to know anything else.
She won't ask and you don't tell.
Nathan, Mom, hey, come on in.
You remember Dad.
Hi, Tom.
Uh, cute outfit.
Looks like you wrapped a rainbow all around you.
Well, a guy gets older, he wants to experiment, try new things.
Stop acting so surprised, mmm-kay? What what did you say? Oh, that's my quinoa casserole.
Just chat amongst yourselves.
So? Did they read your diary or what? Shh, shh.
We'll know in a minute.
So, is there, um, a reason you're all dressed up? I'm going out to meet a friend whom I met on my own.
And that's all you need to know.
Okay, Tom.
I'm sure your friend's gonna love the outfit, although a little word of advice from one diva to another those pants scream out for a lighter color shoe.
Damn it! I hate all my shoes! I can't believe it.
A gay in the family.
This is so exciting.
I wonder if we'll get to go on Elton John's boat.
Just calm down.
Debbie's diary could still be wrong.
That's it.
I'm gonna kill 'em! They're about to make fools of themselves.
Please, Debbie.
They have enjoyed ten years of me doing stupid things.
Let me just enjoy this.
Please.
- Ray.
- Oh.
I didn't know you were gonna be here.
Hi.
I'm Walter.
Here to pick up Tom.
Hi.
I'm Carol.
And I want to encourage you and Tom to have a great time together, no matter where the night takes you.
Just be safe.
I brought a raincoat, just in case.
Confident.
Hey, Ray! Good to see you guys inside.
When I was clearly yelling from the window that I'd meet you at the curb.
- Hi, Tom.
- Hey.
I'm Walter.
This group I'm gonna introduce you to tonight is amazing.
There's this one dude called Golden Lips.
You're gonna love the way he blows.
I don't know.
He's pretty particular about that.
Okay.
This is gonna be fun.
I'm so glad Ray hooked us up.
Great.
Well, Carol, I guess my secret is out.
I'm sure you're thrilled.
Well, judge all you want.
So what if Ray set me up with a guy? I couldn't meet one on my own.
I can only play solo chess for so long.
I've never heard that euphemism before, but I just I just want you to know that we understand.
I guess you must've been playing solo chess the whole time we were married.
It's not like I could play with you.
You don't even know where the pieces go.
I know where they go, Tom.
I just don't have the one you're looking for.
The penis.
Excuse me? Because you're gay.
Who's gay? - He's gay.
- I'm gay? You didn't tell me he was gay.
I didn't know he was gay.
Who told you I was gay? Mom told me you were gay.
Why did you think I was gay? Because she read it in my diary! I made it up as a test, and she failed.
Debbie, how dare you lie to me in your diary! Oh! But my deepest, darkest secrets are in that book! How dare you invade my privacy like that! Ooh, it's the quinoa casserole! This isn't over! Well.
Well, Walter now you've met the Millers.
Okay, yes, we read your diary.
But we only did it to help you out.
Oh, well, here's some news for you.
I don't need your help.
Excuse me? Debbie, if we hadn't stepped in, you would've sold the necklace and been miserable.
Just like you'd been miserable if we'd let you stay ashamed of wetting the bed.
You knew about that? Come on, we know about everything.
I mean, we're the reason you didn't smoke pot with Skunky.
Or get that boob job so you could look like Jessica Rabbit.
You're welcome.
For what? Manipulating my entire life? No, not your entire life.
We stopped when you were 18.
But I think we all know how that turned out.
What do you mean by that? My life is great.
Sweetheart, you drive a car with a beanbag as a backseat.
Let's face it.
Your last ten years would've gone better if all your life decisions had been made by a drunk monkey using a Magic 8 Ball.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Wait a minute.
Debbie and I met and got married in the last ten years.
Do you consider me a mistake? Am I a drunk monkey decision? Yeah, Mom.
Do you consider the husband I love to be some awful choice? Not awful, no.
But if I'm being honest No, please don't.
If I'm being honest, I was always a little surprised that you broke up with Richard and started dating Adam.
- Mom! - I knew it.
Richard was in law school.
Adam worked in the grocery store.
I'm a mother.
These are the laws of nature.
It's not personal.
I told you! See, I knew your family never liked me.
At our wedding, your mother had a seating chart that had you and me at different tables.
I wanted you near the emergency exit.
You're so big, I was worried you would trample people if there was a fire.
He's not a giant, Mom! My Aunt Ethel weighs 85 pounds.
If she got caught under one of his shoes, she would shatter into a million pieces.
She'd be like a puzzle in a bag of skin.
Okay, enough, Carol.
We get it.
You never would've chosen me.
No.
I chose you.
What? Mom, I lied.
After you moved, I read Debbie's diary alone.
Debbie had been really upset lately and she wouldn't tell me what was wrong, so I had no choice but to snoop again.
Dear Diary, Richard brought me to his family's Thanksgiving today.
Since it was a holiday, he let me have a dessert.
But only after I promised to split it with the trashcan.
That doesn't sound like the Richard I knew.
Yeah, well, it was.
Just entry after entry, he treated Debbie like a doormat.
And then I read this.
Dear Diary, we went to the grocery store today, and Richard was up to his normal tricks when I saw him again.
Adam.
Rocking the sexiest set of male pigtails I've ever seen.
Not only is he handsome, but he's as graceful as a gazelle.
She went on for eight pages.
And I could tell she really cared about this Adam.
So I had to see him for myself.
Luckily, even though I was in my early 30s, I could easily blend in with the kids who hung out at the store.
As I watched Adam, I learned that he was kind to old people.
He was kind to young people.
He was even kind to old people pretending to be young people.
Behind the overalls and ineffective organic deodorant, he was a great guy.
I knew that was the kind of guy who would make my sister happy, so I decided I had to help Debbie bag this bagger.
You know how you met Adam at that yoga retreat? Yeah, it was fate.
We couldn't believe that we both got randomly selected to go by Q106's morning show with Johnny Cranks and, uh, Pirate Bob.
Ahoy there, lucky listener.
If you're feeling flexible, today's your lucky day! Oh, my God.
You were the one who called? Yar, that be true.
I paid for you guys to go on that yoga retreat 'cause I wanted to see I wanted to see if it was meant to be.
And I guess it was meant to be.
Because nine months after that yoga retreat, I had a niece.
I always thought you didn't like me because I wasn't good enough for your sister.
No, Adam, I love you.
'Cause you've made her smile more than well, more than we ever have.
Nathan, that's so sweet.
Thank you.
Adam, I'm sorry.
I see now that you're the perfect man for my daughter.
And I'm sorry I made you cut your pigtails before the wedding.
Come here.
Debbie, I promise that we'll never read your diary again.
Although you should probably find a new hiding spot.
We'll see.
It's kind of nice having superheroes watch over me.
Shall we? If family's in trouble, we're there on the double.
Mother and son combine as one.
Good God, your family is so cool!