The Millers (2013) s02e07 Episode Script

- Thanks for letting me crash.
- Mmm.
- I couldn't spend another night in my apartment.
- Mmm You keep cooking like this, I hope your landlord never fixes the problem.
How did your apartment get infested with cats? Oh Well, there's an exotic bird shop on one side of the building and a fish market on the other.
Once the yarn store moved in, we were doomed.
Oh, man.
This is so good I've been eating it too fast and got it all over my shirt.
Oh, that's gonna happen.
When I'm alone, I usually eat this meal with my shirt off.
Oh.
I guess I could get a napkin.
But they're all the way in the kitchen.
Ow.
- You all right there? - Here, let me get it.
- Let me get it.
- Little help in the back.
Let me get it.
Let me get it.
I told you they were more than just friends.
You owe me a foot rub with lotion.
No, no, I just didn't want to get any of Ray's sauce on my shirt.
Don't share a look! It's not a euphemism.
Can I help you guys with something? Kip needs ice because of his carpal tunnel.
Syndrome.
It's a syndrome.
I have a syndrome.
A syndrome is worse than a malady but not as bad as an infirmity I'm sorry, let me put this in words you can understand.
These feel ouchy.
We haven't been able to pinky swear in weeks.
I don't know when he's lying.
Oh, look.
Chuck Manners from Channel Three.
I love that guy.
Turn it up.
Chuck Manners here, reporting live from the parade route in Washington where in just six short days, Pope Francis will be making a visit.
And I can't believe I'm here talking with supermodel Tyra Banks Wait, you're not Tyra Banks.
You're prettier than she is.
Come on! I can't believe him.
A six-day Pope watch? Five is the industry standard.
There are rules to mid-day human interest beat reporters.
I should know.
I'm the one who printed 'em up and sent 'em around.
Nathan, you've been spooned! Your rival has totally spooned you.
Well, it's "scooped," Mom.
I I've been "scooped.
" God, I hate this guy.
You know, we were both covering the Leesburg wishing well and he threw my keys in the well and wished me good luck beating him to the next story.
Joke was on him, though.
'Cause the next story was "local reporter stuck in wishing well.
" When did you guys get a cat? Oh, no, they got in my suitcase! Don't worry, I'll get 'em out! Don't worry! The Millers - 02x07 When The Pope Comes Marching In From the Pope's parade route, this is Nathan Miller reporting.
That was great.
Let's try one more, without the hat.
Yeah, good idea.
Still get a lot of angry letters from the time I dressed as Super "Mare-yo" at the Italian-American Festival.
It's "Mario.
" And in three two one.
With just four days remaining until the Pope's visit, people have begun lining up already.
People like Sarah Davis, who and with four days left until the Pope's arrival, the streets are already crowded with "papal.
" Excuse me.
What are you doing? We're doing a stop-and-chat here.
Well, we are doing a walk-and-talk.
Oka, well, you can't do a walk-and-talk through our stop-and-chat.
It's just like when we did the meet-and-greet at the pitch-and-putt.
Or the hit-and-run and the park-and-ride.
We have this side of the street, you have the other side.
You know damn well the light on the other side of the street goes bad after 2:30.
Maybe a little shadow is just what your face needs.
Funny, coming from a man who uses eye shadow.
It's eye shadow for men.
It's guy shadow.
Get it at the Home Depot.
Doesn't matter.
Ray, let's just go again.
In five In three One! - Ma'am, you've been here - Ma'am, you've been out here - for a few days.
- for seven whole days.
- What have you been eating? - You notice anything - Is that a donut? - You know what? You don't have to give him a taste.
- Just gonna get a taste of that.
- Okay, right over here, ma'am, - that would be fantastic.
- Just a bite of that donut.
Hey, you know what? Can you get your own bystander, please? No.
I really want to interview her.
It's one thing the Pope is coming to town, it's a whole 'nother thing supermodel Gisele Bundchen is out here waiting to see him.
What? You thought I was Gisele? These teeth whitening strips are a miracle.
Oh, come on.
You don't look anything like Gisele.
because you look so much like Heidi Klum.
I was just Don't pander to me.
I look nothing like Heidi Klum.
I want to be interviewed by him.
Fine.
Tell the station I want to go live with this.
Ma'am, if you could just step over here, we can frame out that homeless guy eating a pigeon.
You're just going to give up? Oh, I didn't give up.
This is Chuck Manners on a glo rious day on the Pope's parade route.
That's it! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! It's too bad the car alarm ruined his report.
I hate it when bad things happen to good-looking people.
Me, too.
It's why the Paula Deen scandal hit me so hard.
Oh! Don't mind us, we're just taking a pit stop in the middle of training for the parade.
Yeah.
I plan on power-walking the entire Pope parade.
We're dressed like Power Rangers because I can't wave to get his attention.
And time.
- Oh - Whew.
Hopefully, the Pope can help.
I can't use the clapper my mom got me for my birthday.
My bedside light has been on for three weeks.
Well, if you want, I could ask him for you.
Francis and I are old friends.
You're friends with the Pope? He's not friends with the Pope.
You're not friends with the Pope.
She says you're not friends with the Pope.
Are you friends with the Pope? He's not friends with the Pope! I met him at a bar once on a business trip to Argentina.
We instantly hit it off.
He's the one who taught me how to talk underwater.
And because they're friends, Grandpa and I can do whatever we want and still get into Heaven.
I said I'd put in a good word for you.
I didn't make any guarantees.
Tom, I'm begging you to come to the parade and introduce us.
All I need is one touch, a graze, a wet cough on my wrists He can sneeze and I'll walk under it.
Do you think the Pope will remember you? Of course he will.
I still send him my Christmas list every year.
I thought I smelled hot glue.
What's going on in here? Just a little arts and crafts project.
I see that.
With my craft supplies.
There are three things of mine I don't like people touching.
My craft supplies, my coupon scissors, and if you want to know the third thing, ask your father, but prepare to be embarrassed.
Don't worry, Carol, we'll pay you back.
This is an investment, okay? We're selling all our leftover merchandise from the cafe in the Pope parade.
Yeah, yeah.
Check it out.
So we took those organic soaps, carved them into crosses, put a piece of yarn through it, slapped a Pope's hat on it and bam, Pope on a Rope.
What? Yeah.
And get this.
We had a ton of extra yoga mats and no way to get rid of them.
So we just dressed them up with a little bit of glitter, glued a Pope hat on there and bam, Holy Mat! Look, Mom, you were nice enough to help us invest in the cafe and since that didn't work out, we really want to pay you back.
Oh, sweetheart.
You don't have to pay me back.
It's like giving money to the Girl Scouts.
Part of it, I want to help, but mostly it's because I want you out of my house.
Just put everything back when you're done and I know exactly how many pipe cleaners I have, so stay away from them.
We will.
But just so you know, - we are going to pay you back.
- Mm-hmm.
That's sweet.
It's a good thing the Pope's in town, because it'll take a miracle to sell any of those things.
Pope on a Rope? What's next? Mr.
Pope-tato Head? Well, that was a little rude.
Yeah.
But I am glad that we didn't show her this.
Yeah.
Hey, Ray.
Nathan, I just wanted to return the ice I borrowed and get some more.
It's all here, if you want to count it.
Unknown number.
Ooh, you should answer that.
It could be Greg Kinnear.
I know for a fact his number's unlisted.
Hello.
Can I speak with Ray? - This is him.
- Really? Because you sound just like Denzel Washington.
Hey, Nate, it's Chuck Manners.
You're kidding.
Put him on speaker.
Ray-rover, Ray-rover, how'd you like to come over and work for the number one local news human-interest field reporter in northeast Virginia? Unless you like working for peanuts.
Which is what I call Nathan, because of his tiny nuts.
I understand.
Mine are huge and it's no picnic, either.
Especially at a picnic.
Hey, Chuck, I'm flattered, man, but Look, you're an unbelievable cameraman.
I know what you make over at WXD-Lame and I'll increase it by 20%.
Think about it and call me back.
Hurry up, Dad.
I have a dinner date.
Oh, my God, Ray.
A 20% raise? You could buy that house you always wanted.
Yeah.
Or hair.
Look, Ray's not taking the job.
Chuck's just trying to piss me off.
Is that what you think? You know, maybe it wasn't just to piss you off.
I mean, he did say I'm an amazing cameraman.
Well, yeah, but come on.
I mean, he's just trying to get back at me.
Wait, so are you saying Ray's not an amazing cameraman? Are you saying that Ray is not an amazing cameraman? That's not what I'm saying.
I look, no one is as steady as you.
I still tell people how you held your sneeze at the pepper festival.
I don't know.
This sounds like you're not appreciating how hard Ray works.
Is that how you feel, Nate? You don't think my job is hard? No! No, I think it's hard.
You're lying, your voice just went up like this.
No, it didn't.
You can't even stop it.
There's nothing to stop.
I don't even know what you guys I think he thinks you just point the camera and press record.
You think all I do is point the camera and press record? No, you know I don't think that.
I get the feeling Nate thinks that cameramen aren't much more than glorified tripods.
Come on, I never said that.
You think my job is easy? All you do is stand around and talk.
That's what I do when I'm taking a break from my job! You take that back.
My job is very hard.
I have to deal with wind trying to mess up my hair.
Rain trying to mess up my hair.
Birds, handsy children, fans all trying to mess up my hair.
Exactly, all you have to do is look pretty and wear a suit.
Hey, I resent that, but I also appreciate it.
Thank you for saying I look pretty.
You know what? Maybe I should work for someone who respects me a little more.
Like 20 percent more.
Oh, come on, man, you wouldn't leave me during Pope week.
Watch me.
Watch him.
I can't believe he just left you during Pope week.
Whose side are you on? Oh, I make it a point to stay out of other people's fights.
Don't! Don't help.
No, you're not I need to learn how to do this.
And, lastly, I'd like to send a shout-out to my son, Dustin.
I'm sorry I didn't get to see you this month.
That judge is a jerk.
And cut.
How was that, Ray? I think maybe we could, uh Great, great, keep the ideas coming.
Hey, Nathan Miller.
Does your face hurt? 'Cause it's killing me.
No, does your face hurt? 'Cause it's killing me.
Touché.
So, who'd they replace me with? Fast Eddie? Short Stan? White Ray? Nope, they hired an amazing new girl.
She's firm, thin, and has great legs.
Three of them.
Yeah, like you, she, uh, has her ups and downs, and has a screw loose.
But unlike you, I can tighten it.
Which means she'll never abandon me during Pope week.
With only days remaining until the Pope arrives, the city is ready to greet a noble man who, although surrounded by people, must feel so alone.
I mean, what other color could it be? Just call your restaurant "Lobster.
" Hit me, Nate, I'm wide open.
Mmm.
Ah-ah-ah, bad for your figure.
Bad for your face.
Mmm.
Come on, man.
You're getting that spaghetti sauce on your shirt.
Here, let me help you take it off.
Holy mats! Pope-on-a-rope! Nobody wants any of this stuff.
Give it to me straight, am I out of my cute phase? Oh.
Honey.
That's such a good question, 'cause these are really cool items.
Here's my idea.
We'll start on the church in the distance, we'll pan down from the steeple, to find you here with all the people.
Why don't you use your creativity, and go get me a colorful snow cone.
Pope's gonna be here in five, got to do my face yoga.
Whoa, there's a lot more cops here than I thought.
I don't think we can get close to him.
Tom, I am in constant, low-level pain that's alleviated by simple aspirin.
We have to meet him.
I don't know Okay.
Some of this is gonna be hypothetical because of my syndrome.
Tom! I am grabbing you by the lapels right now.
Snap out of it! I just slapped you.
Do you understand how important this is to me?! I'm shaking you.
Now, when that Pope comes, you get out there I'm pointing to the street.
And introduce me! You got it? - Okay.
- Good.
I just gave you an encouraging pat on the bum.
That shot sounded pretty cool.
Huh? That-that shot with the steeple, it sounded pretty, you know - Yeah, cool, huh? - Yeah.
That's what I thought, you know, kind of like Yeah, um, I thought it might be good when you, when you come down, you find the people Just him talking.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, and then you just sort of snake through the crowd.
Exactly snake, snake, snake.
And then bam! Hero shot.
Yeah.
Well, I guess those days are over.
Ah, Ray, this is stupid, man.
- Come on, I'm sorry about what I said.
- Yeah, I am, too, man.
I'm sorry about all those rumors I spread about you.
Wait, what rumors? Stay away from zoos, weirdo.
Ah, man, this sucks.
I asked the boss about hiring you back, and he said he likes the tripod.
Saves the station money, and, as long as he gets a decent shot, he's not changing a thing.
Damn, we really screwed ourselves.
You know, maybe it's time that we unscrew ourselves.
What are you doing, man? Getting my cameraman back.
Wrap it up, Ray.
Pope is coming.
I'm gonna pee one more time.
Don't let anyone look down that alley.
Oh, gotcha, gotcha.
I can't let you do this, Nate.
This is too big of a news story for you to blow.
You know what, Ray? Sometimes friendship is more important than the news.
Okay.
The moment is finally here, folks.
The crowd is buzzing with electricity as Pope Francis approaches.
The-the the Pope is said to be forgoing his usual armored Popemobile because he says he wants to be among the people.
Today is just one of those days where everyone here will always remember the day they saw the Pope.
And wasn't it glorious.
Francis! Long-time prayer, first-time shouter! I need your help! Jorge, it's me, Tomas! You told me about the wisdom of Saint Francis, I sold you a broken camera! O-Ouch, ow, ow! This is Chuck Manners, still with you live from the Papal parade where we now have the Leesburg exclusive.
I have a syndrome, I have a syndrome, sir! I have a syndrome! I Oh! Pope down.
Those mats just saved the Pope.
Bless these mats.
He just blessed these mats.
I want a mat.
O-Oh.
Oh.
Oh, I told Mom these mats would sell, I was right.
Yeah, but she said it would take a miracle, so she was right.
Oh, God, she always wins.
Damn it.
Oh, I mean, "darn it.
" Sorry, Pope.
Shh, be quiet.
My part's about to be on.
And I'm joined by one of the men who accosted Pope Francis in Sunday's parade.
Sir, I understand that you were trying to get the Pope to heal your carpal tunnel.
Yes, syndrome.
And it worked.
Now I can go back to my volunteer work.
Uh, helping people parallel park.
This goes to show that even when things seem the darkest, there's always a light at the end of the carpal tunnel.
Syndrome.
I don't remember the rainbow.
Did you add special effects? Let's see a tripod do that.
I'm sorry the boss wouldn't give you a raise, and you got to stay in that cat-infested apartment.
Yeah, I'm sorry, too.
I can't open a can of tuna without starting a riot.
Man, you love your tuna.
Yeah, I miss it, man.
Last night, I tried to make a tuna melt with no tuna.
That's just a damn grilled cheese.
Hey, why don't you move into my apartment? Yeah, with the money that you save on rent, it'll make up for the raise you didn't get.
Come on, man, you just got your mom out of there.
Yeah, but still this is a step up.
I mean, you cook better than her, you won't go through my stuff.
And if our underwear gets mixed up, I won't get embarrassed at the gym.
You know what, here, here, here, perfect.
Look at this.
Got one here.
This is for the front door, and this one Ah, man.
I knew it, they're engaged.
You owe me another foot rub.
But no lotion this time, that was weird.
No.
Guys, we're not This is just so he can get in my back door.
Don't share a look, that was not a euphemism, I