The Millers (2013) s02e10 Episode Script

Hey, Dad, you were in charge of putting away the Christmas lights last year, right? Don't worry.
I put a chocolate in the middle to motivate you.
Dark or milk? Doesn't matter.
I'm gonna get it.
Relax, everybody.
I found it.
My star for the top of the tree.
Oh, thank goodness.
It just wouldn't be Christmas without you shining down on us.
Where was it? You know, Mom, great question.
It was weird.
It wasn't with the rest of the Christmas stuff.
- Oh, gosh, that is weird.
- Yeah.
Luckily, I saw that some dust had been disturbed behind the water heater.
And when I shimmied up the crawlspace, I found it in a box marked "Dangerous chemicals, may cause wrinkles.
" So weird.
Wow, this is amazing! I did not know they had color photography back when you were a kid.
Don't you have your own family you could be annoying? Don't you have some noise hair that needs trimming? Rhetorical question.
I can see it from here.
It looks like speaker wire.
And FYI-- my family takes a cruise every Christmas and I can't go on account of my clinically diagnosed seasickness.
Well, I'm sorry, Kip.
I didn't know.
I'm taking everyone on a cruise.
Boys, boys, stop it! If I wanted to see two grown men fight, I'd wear my red dress and go to a bar.
You've been at each other's throats since the day you met.
So this year, the only gift I want for Christmas is for the two of you to stop fighting until New Year's.
Can you do that for me? - Yes, Mom.
- Yes, Carol.
Thank you.
And in case you misunderstood, I still want real gifts.
There's a Lane Bryant catalog underneath both your pillows.
I told you I'd get it.
Does this mean when Christmas is over we can just leave him at the end of the driveway? The Millers - 02x10 Highway to the Manger Zone Damn.
That's not it either.
What are you doing over there, Dad? Trying to remember my e-mail password.
I forgot I even had this account till the guy at the grocery store called me a yahoo.
Oh, good, you're all still here.
As you know, it's our family's turn this year to put on the living Nativity at church.
Last year, the Muellers raised over a thousand dollars for charity.
And in the true sprit of Christmas, I want the Millers to destroy them.
Listen up for your parts.
Debbie, shepherd one.
Adam, shepherd two.
Ha-ha, I'm your boss.
Mikayla, you'll be a sheep.
Ha-ha, I'm your boss.
And I will continue to play the role of the Virgin Mary.
But now that Tom and I are divorced, I no longer have to suffer through his silent, but deadly nights and will have a new man by my side in the Nativity.
This year's Joseph will be played by Nathan! Oh, uh, wonderful choice, wonderful.
That is why I'm standing.
No other reason.
Kip, Kip.
You and Tom will be the wise men.
Meeting adjourned.
Wait, wait uh, Mom? Do I have to be at the Nativity every night this week? I mean, Ray and I got invited to an ugly Christmas sweater party by this girl Nikki.
Spelled with two K's and an I.
Yes, she's that kind of girl.
No, you don't have to be there.
I'll just tell them Mary got a divorce and Joseph's seeing other virgins.
Fine, I'll be there.
I know the password was something I used to hear all the time! I've tried my pet's name, all the kids' names, the street we lived on.
Oh, shut up, Tom.
"Shut up, Tom.
" That's it! Holy Christmas.
I've got mail.
Did you hear how off-key Mrs.
Mueller was on that last song? More like "Bark the Herald Angels Sing.
" Heard you the first three times you said it.
Well, how about a little courtesy chuckle.
Not every joke is a home run.
Oh, Reverend Fitzgerald, hi! You remember my son, Nathan.
The most profitable baby Jesus in church history.
Oh, yes.
How could I forget when you so generously donated a plaque commemorating the event.
We are just so thrilled to be doing the Nativity Angels sing Glory to the newborn king Who is my grandson.
He's such a beautiful boy.
Oh, look at that.
He's got your eyebrow.
Well, Mom, careful.
It's like a school zone.
Sins are doubled in church.
Well, it's just a shame that it's the Millers' year to do the Nativity when we all know that nothing brings in the real cash like a real baby.
It's true.
Real babies do tend to raise more money.
I'm sure I could dig up a baby.
I mean, not "dig up," but, you know, get one from somewhere fast.
Is she talking about kidnapping? No.
Is she? No.
Are you? No.
Ah.
Well maybe it would be best if we let the Muellers do the Nativity this year.
But we're the ones Ooh, that's probably best.
My little one is too cute not to be adored this season.
Well, he is cute.
He's got a little Tom Selleck in him.
Especially that mustache stretched across his forehead.
Dad, are you still going through those old e-mails? I'm not even halfway through.
You would not believe how many people think I have erectile dysfunction.
Well, they're not too discriminating.
I get those e-mails, too.
I can't believe Lucille Mueller trumped us by having a grandbaby.
Or should I say "grand man"? That thing looks like it's about to go out and fight Popeye.
It does look like a caterpillar crawled across his face and just gave up halfway through.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mom.
But on the bright side, maybe there will be a baby next year, because Adam and I have been doing it a lot.
Like, pretty much every day.
We're really in a zone right now.
How do you unsay things? We can't give up.
If we give up on the Nativity, we might as well give up on Christmas.
And we can't do that because I got us Oprah's favorite frozen croissants for Christmas morn.
Spoiler alert-- you get a croissant! And I get a croissant! And that's it because they're too expensive.
Oh, it's pointless, Kip.
Reverend Fitzgerald already gave the Nativity to the Muellers.
Well, then we take a baseball bat to their knees.
No? All right, I'm just taking the temperature of the room.
A second option is we set up our own rival Nativity scene in that empty lot next to the church.
Ooh, going rogue.
Like this spunky Sarah Palin I just donated campaign money to.
Come on, one trip to the hardware store, and bam-- there's your manger.
And Nativity costumes are easy.
You already have a closet full of stolen hotel bathrobes.
That's all they wore in Bible days.
Jerusalem looked like one big day spa.
Well, thank you, Kip.
Even though it's not wrapped, I'm guessing your gift to our family this year is the worst idea I've ever heard.
Huh, it's almost like someone thinks his mother's happiness isn't worth fighting for.
Huh, it's almost like someone thinks he's part of this family and has a say in what we do.
Huh! It's almost like someone's pretending he doesn't have veneers.
- Huh! - Enough! You guys promised me you'd stop fighting.
Mom, I'm fine being in a sanctioned manger by a church, but I refuse to be some basically homeless Joseph wandering around looking for someplace to stay.
Although, yes, I admit that does sound like the actual Joseph.
But the point is I'm not doing it.
Because, I'm sorry, Kip, it's a dumb idea.
So, you're just gonna have to find someone else to play Joseph.
Well, I might know someone who would qualify for the job.
You're right.
Kip! Who's Kip? I only answer to Joseph! Ah-ha! This is so exciting.
Ooh! We're gonna make the best manger ever.
Okay, I'm gonna go home and shower before I hit The Home Depot.
There's so many hot guys there on the weekends, they should call that place The Homo Depot.
And before you laugh, just know I'm the only one who can make and laugh at that joke.
Thank you for understanding.
Ow.
God, my legs are cramping up.
Told you not to choose such a difficult pose.
Hey, just on our way to Nikki's party.
Thought you guys might want some spiked eggnog, but Ray drank it all.
That was spiked? I just thought eggnog made everyone look prettier.
What's up, Debbie? Yeah, we, uh, we would've been here sooner, but, uh, we got caught in the crowd at that Nativity down the street.
A scalper tried to sell me seats so close I could pet a donkey.
But contrary to popular belief, I am not an ass man.
Well, we don't need eggnog because there was no eggnog back in biblical times, and we're being authentic.
Please, you guys look like you just escaped a motel fire.
Plus, come on, you've made no money.
Look, Mom, maybe it's time to admit that not every idea Kip has is brilliant, okay? And until then, tell Dad to close his robe a little.
Not everyone wants to see his yule log.
Maybe Nathan's right.
We can't compete with the Muellers' Nativity.
Let's just pack it up.
Wha? So you're just gonna give up? It's Christmas! Did little Kevin give into the burglars in Home Alone? Did sweet Ralphie give up on his dream of a BB gun in A Christmas Story.
Did Detective Irwin walk away from his infected, but quite an attractive wife in Silent Night, Zombie Night? All right.
Apparently I am the only one who saw that movie.
But I am not leaving! Yeah, but the Muellers have all the costumes and a real baby and props.
We don't have anything.
You know what, Debbie? You know what we do have? A little something called razz.
Okay? You know what else we got? Matazz.
And you know what you get when you put those two things together? Matazz-arazz? Razzamatazz! Come on, you guys.
I promise you, I will lead us in a performance that will get us a crowd.
Are you with me?! Yes! Sorry, were you saying something? I just found out I stand to inherit a crap load of money from a very powerful Nigerian.
Okay, guys, let's run the ending one last time, okay? Here we go.
Five, six, seven and Okay, okay, yeah, somebody's off, and it's not me.
Have you seen this Elf Yourself thing? Someone just e-mailed it to me six years ago.
That's all my old friends from college dancing.
They can't dance! They're all dead now.
How it be, my ladies? Oh, look at the two of you.
Ray and I are going to a Christmas Pimps and Ho-Ho-Hos party.
Just stopped by to get some of Dad's cheap cologne.
You're in luck.
I just refilled my jug at the kiosk.
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Dress like a pimp, walk like a pimp.
There you go.
Walk like your knees are on backwards.
Mom? Mom? Did you buy and decorate a tree without me? Sorry, you were at your party, and I didn't think you'd care.
I was feeling a little down, and when we drove past the Christmas tree lot, Kip suggested buying one might cheer us all up.
Wait.
Where's my star? Kip had an accident.
He didn't mean to, Nathan.
He just pulled it out of the box too fast, and-and the point was ripped off.
We did everything we could to repair it, but it was old, and it had lost a lot of glitter.
But don't worry, because I made a replacement.
Look.
There it is.
Ta-da.
Wait, this-this has everyone but me in it.
No, no, no, no.
You're in it.
See? Your mom opened her locket that has your picture.
Oh, wait, there's a piece of glitter covering it.
Oh, there you are.
You know what? - We could just take another one - Oh, gosh, look at that time! We got to run! I made dinner reservations at Carol's favorite place.
Come on, everybody.
We need to carbo-load before the big Nativity show tonight.
My treat! Ray, do you see what's happening here? That I'm about to sweat through my mink.
Come on, man! It's hot in here for a pimp.
Kip is trying to steal my mom.
I mean, first he-he-he ruined my star, the he swooped in and took Joseph first chance he got.
Now he's taking them to dinner, and he's paying for it? That's my thing.
I'm the one who pays for dinner and doesn't make a big deal out of it.
This year alone I've already done it, like - 17 times.
- Yes, exactly.
This has been Kip's play all along.
Won't be long before he's sitting in my place at the dinner table, trying to glue his ugly face over my baby pictures.
I got to stop this guy.
Well, fine! I guess I'll just walk to the party.
Ah.
Man, I'm gonna be late.
Okay, places, everyone.
Adam, plug in the lights.
Remember, tonight is a brand-new night.
Okay, and just like Mary forgot the excruciating pain of a drug-free barnyard childbirth, we are gonna forget the excruciating pain of last night's low turnout, okay? Are we all ready? Here we go.
Happy birthday to me.
Nathan, that looks great.
Who's Nathan? I'm Baby J.
Nice to meet you.
Baby J.
This is hilarious.
Look exactly like me when I was a baby.
It's true.
I've seen the pictures.
Nathan, we have a plan, and you're not part of it.
And you're too sun-damaged to be a newborn.
Hey, listen, I'd watch your temper in front of the crowd, Joseph.
Oh, nice try.
What crowd? Oh, hark, there is a crowd.
Sweet Jesus.
No, I mean it; that's a sweet Jesus.
Oh, hey, do you mind if I take a picture with your funny Jesus? Actually, if you make a donation, we'll take the picture for you.
The line starts right over here.
Oh, Kip, run home and get my Polaroid camera.
It's in my bathroom.
Never mind why.
But we're supposed to sing a song.
Who cares about a song? We'll make a fortune for the church selling photos like mall Santas do.
Why can't Nathan go? I can't go.
I'm swaddled.
Fine.
Drive safe, Kip.
I'll be praying for you.
Everybody calm down.
Joseph's coming back with the camera.
You'll all get a turn to take your official photo with Baby J.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Better Baby Jesus coming through here.
Excuse me.
Better Baby J.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
There we are.
Kip, what the hell are you doing? Well, the baby's good, but the song is better, but since you can't sing, I made myself a baby costume.
Yeah, well, we've already got a baby: me.
I'm the big-headed Baby Jesus that people want.
Well, you got the big-headed part right.
Burn.
I'm leaving.
I don't like seeing my savior arguing with himself.
No, no, don't go.
These two Jesuses made a Christmas promise to me, and they are going to stop fighting now.
Look, if you don't get the heck out of here, I'm gonna kick your ass so hard you're gonna be wearing a diaper for real.
Oh, I'm so scared.
Oh.
You don't believe me? I don't.
Hey, back off.
No, you back off.
You back off.
Stop it.
Ouch.
I asked for one thing for Christmas.
One thing.
And now because of your stupid fighting, Lucille Mueller is home, stroking her eyebrow in victory.
It was his fault.
My fault?! Yeah.
You just couldn't stand the fact that I was getting so much attention as Baby Jesus.
In the manger I busted my butt to build for Carol.
You think I like building mangers? No, but I had to because her son was too buy going to parties.
You think I like going to parties?! No, but I had to if I'm gonna give her the grandchild she so desperately wants.
And I lied.
I do like going to parties.
Yeah, well, I like building mangers.
And I can get her a grandson.
There are a lot of options for men these days.
No, I'm her son.
It's different.
We share the same blood.
Yeah, well, I'm her roommate.
We share the same value-sized bottle of Pantene Damage Detox Deep Cleanse Purifying Shampoo! - You don't deserve her! - Neither do you! Boys! Boys.
Is this what you've been fighting about? Me? You two have been acting like complete fools all because of some silly competition over me? Please continue.
You're actually enjoying this? Are you kidding? I thought you guys just didn't like each other, but now I know that the two most important men in my life were fighting for my affection? That is the greatest gift a mother/roommate could ever hope for.
Go ahead! Mix it up, boys.
Well, this is this is just weird now.
I know.
You, uh, want to go get some eggnog? Yeah, why not? Oh, come on! Don't give up! Kip, he doesn't appreciate me enough after all I've done for him.
Nathan, who does Kip think he is, trying to get in between a mother and her son? Has she always been this kooky? No, it's getting worse.
You picked a great time to move in, bud.
Oh, come on! It's Christmas! Fight.
Why do we have to do this? Because we're not quitting until we get more donations than the Muellers.
I got the costumes.
Let's go.
Well, this better work.
Trust me, I've seen this before.
It's gonna blow people away.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Merry Christmas!