The Mindy Project s01e04 Episode Script


Autumn in New York the leaves go from green to orange the lattes go from vanilla to pumpkin and girls toss their razors out the window, for there'll be no bare leg seen until April.
And pirates and witches put aside their differences to beg for candy.
Josh, isn't this one of the reasons why you decided to move to Manhattan? I always wanted to live in Tampa, get one of those big, beige houses on the golf course, Jose Canseco on one side, - canal full of gators on the other.
- Okay.
Throw a hot dog at a gator and see if he eats it.
Man, I am really learning a lot about you on this date.
So this is a date? I was wondering.
Because meeting up for coffee at 8:00 AM on a weekday is-- you're really afraid I'm going to attack you, aren't you? No, no, this is a morning date.
It's great.
I get to know you better, I bought a French press, and these world music CDs.
Well, I read about this thing called a night date.
You into that? Weird.
Tell me more.
Well, ESPN is having their Halloween party tonight.
- Cool.
- And these guys go all out in the costumes, so you're gonna have to dress to impress.
I'm sorry, who am I supposed to be trying to impress? I'm just saying, it's a hot ticket.
I mean, last year I took a model.
Well, lucky for you, I was featured in my college admissions brochure holding a test tube.
So I guess you have a thing for models.
Look, as long as you look great tonight, no worries.
You know, I think I'm just gonna have to get back to you about this.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
Then I should line up some backup.
Just in case.
Boop, boop, boop.
All these girls.
Just the Caitlins.
Still on the Caitlins.
- Brrr.
- Relax.
Okay, you don't know that many Caitlins.
You'd be surprised.
It was a very popular name in 1987.
Hey, guys, so I'm gonna go run this errand.
I got you, man.
Got the whole thing on video.
Mm, I had it flipped on me.
Why don't you go back in your office and come out? You know, nothing scary will happen.
I got to run.
I can't.
I got to run this errand for the rest of the day, so Hello, all.
I have to pop out for the rest of the day to run an errand.
I will see you tomorrow.
That's a coincidence 'cause I also have to-- I have to run an errand for the rest of the day.
See, my condo's being reassessed, so I got to go to the assessor's office.
Since we're closing early for Halloween anyway You're sweating.
Oh, am I? If I am, just using the ab roller in there.
Gonna have abs of steel.
But gonna-- go feel it.
- You want to go feel it? - I do not want to do that.
It's still warm.
The handles are probably really wet, but anyway, so that notary republic is-- Danny, it's not notary republic 'cause then it would be a country.
And nobody cares about your boring lies and your sweaty forehead and the notary public that you're clearly not going to.
Who would lie about going to a notary public? Please leave before I have to hear - the words "notary public" again.
- Okay.
So I'm gonna-- - Exit faster.
- Okay.
If anyone calls-- - Oh, my God, go.
- Why won't this end? Okay.
I thought you were right behind me.
Maybe lying doesn't come as easy to me as it does to you.
Hey, I'm happy to tell them where we're going.
- No.
- Oh, my God.
Your hand is sopping wet.
It's from the ab roller.
Oh, my God, Tom.
- Oh! - Oh! Oh, my God.
- Come on.
- Tom.
Oh, Tom.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so-- oh, my God.
Tom, Tom, let me help, please.
- Come on.
- It's okay.
I know him.
We used to date.
It's-- we're fine.
Don't leave me alone with this lady.
Well, don't be theatrical.
- Am I bleeding? - Um - I'm bleeding.
- I'm so sorry.
Please, Tom.
Let me help you up.
I taste pennies.
This looks good.
You're gonna look better than when you came in.
Hey, you wanted, like, Frankenstein stitches 'cause of Halloween, right? Really, it's not bad at all.
If I'd really want to hurt you, I would have sent all your contacts that video of you spitting out that bite of hot pizza.
Hey, you know what? I still owe you a wedding gift.
Is there anything on the registry that you still need? Go back in time and don't ruin my wedding? Tom, I'm sorry, okay? I'm really sorry.
Back then, I was, like, a little messed up, and I think I was kind of drunk at the wedding too - a little bit.
- You were really drunk at the wedding.
I was hurt then, but I'm not now.
I'm dating a blond guy.
And I just-- I wish the best for both you and-- you know, I don't even know her name.
I know I hurt you too, and I'm sorry.
I was recording this conversation in case you threatened me, but now I'm gonna stop.
So tell me about blondie.
Who's this guy? His name is Josh, and he is an attorney for NBA players.
He is definitely confident.
Very confident.
Almost too confident.
Like, he can be sometimes a little obnoxious, I think, but he's very funny.
Not funny in a way that you, like, want to laugh all the time, but you're kind of like, ehh, - "it offends me.
" - So he's a jerk? No, he's not a jerk.
I like him.
He's just-- I wouldn't necessarily, like, curl up with him and watch Breaking Bad.
Don't say anything about Breaking Bad.
I haven't seen season five yet.
You are so weird about spoilers.
No, you're doing it right now.
If you're obsessed with TV, why don't you keep up with it in a timely way? Stop, stop, stop, that's what you do.
I just said Breaking Bad.
Tom, you always freak out - about spoilers.
- You say one word, - it ruins the whole thing.
- I stopped talking about it.
- You done? You done? - Yeah.
We're not talking about it? Okay.
I'm supposed to meet him tonight for a party, but I think I'm just gonna end it with him.
Well, good for you.
Yeah, don't settle.
- Thanks, Tom.
- You're welcome.
Look at us, all mature and evolved.
Who's that? Orderly I asked to tackle you in case you tried to hurt me again.
Fair enough.
You okay? Yeah.
Of course I'm okay.
Let's do this.
The average New Yorker doesn't get his driver's license until he's 26.
Shut up.
I'm trying to study.
I'll knock you out.
I will knock you out, I don't care how old you are.
- Okay, okay.
Come on.
- No, I'm serious.
Now I know if I eat this mummy, I'm gonna regret it.
Nightmares galore.
It was so great running into Tom.
I mean, I was dreading it, but only because I hadn't realized how far I had come.
I'm happy.
He is happy.
It is so weird being my own role model.
- You know, I recommend it.
- Oh, wow.
Okay, I got to see a picture of this Tom guy because I'm trying to imagine you guys making love, and I'm just seeing you, like, climbing up on a giant question mark.
Betsy, why don't you pull up his profile? - Thank you.
- Good idea.
Ooh, Tom changed his profile pic for Halloween.
It's a ghost.
That's not a ghost.
It's a It's a sonogram.
Oh, you didn't say Tom's having a baby.
He didn't tell me.
It's a rough day, Dr.
First I break your chair, and I don't tell you, now this.
I broke your chair, by the way.
Why wouldn't he tell you? 'Cause I was scared, Shauna.
He didn't tell me because he feels sorry for me because I am a pathetic spinster with no prospects.
That's not true! I think someone needs a hug.
She was in a really good place, like, two minutes ago.
I mean me.
I mean me.
Hey, it's me.
Well, well, well.
I guess miss I'll-get-back-to-you got back to me.
What are you doing? Puffing on my electronic quitter cig, drinking an energy drink.
- That's weird.
- Hey, tell me why I shouldn't hang up on you right now and talk to Carmelo Anthony? Because you can talk to him tonight at the party with me? Oh.
You gonna bring it? Yeah, my costume is going to blow your mind.
- Ohh.
- See you there.
Guys, I need a costume that blows people's minds.
Danny, look.
That DMV clerk is dressed up as a vampire for Halloween.
Yeah, I bet on Halloween, actual monsters dress up as DMV workers.
Eh, Danny? My joke, Danny.
Would you shut up? I'm trying to study.
I thought the whole point of coming to Long Island was the test was meant to be easy.
It's still a test.
You can't flirt and spray-tan your way through it.
Why are you so much angrier than usual? It's just a driver's license.
Yeah, no, it's not a license to drive.
It's a license to be a man.
A man goes where he wants when he wants.
I have a picture in my head of me driving through the night, nothing but 1,000 miles of dark empty ahead, and, for the first time in my life, I'm free.
So why do you want to get your license? Tired of carrying my passport around to bars.
It's so bulky.
Hey, bad news.
They were out of all the sexy costumes.
They're the first to go.
Good news, they still had a ton of kids' costumes.
How is that good news? Are you kidding? It'll barely cover your torso.
Which is hot.
Okay, as a nurse, this costume offends me.
It's not skimpy outfits that make nurses sexy.
It's the helping people that make us sexy.
Lahiri, I bought the perfect costume for you.
Is that a fat Albert costume? Linus.
You know, from It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
So he's not even the star of the thing that you know him from? You've never seen it? It's the best.
It's Halloween, and Linus is excited for the Great Pumpkin, who comes every year to bring toys to all the good boys and girls.
Why are you describing this cartoon to me? I'm sorry.
I'm just in crisis right now.
All right? What I really need you to do is to take these scissors and cut a cleavage hole in my crayon costume.
- You passed.
- Yes! Thank you.
Happy Halloween, sir.
Happy Halloween.
Look, Danny.
Same score.
How is that possible? Did you even read the book? Those practice questions are taken from real past exams.
Logic, a dash of luck, and, as always, a little bit of charm.
You charmed a scantron sheet? Oh, Danny, should we head to the road test? Okay.
Attaboy, Danny.
You finally passed the written.
- I knew you could.
- Who's that? I don't know.
Wait, how many times have you taken that test? A few times.
Don't worry about it.
We're all pulling for you, Danny! Thanks, Trish.
- Daniel Castellano.
- That's me.
But can he go first? Of course.
Take your time.
Jeremy Reed.
And you are? Barbara.
I knew a Barbara once.
She broke my heart.
It must be a cursed name, because I feel it may happen again.
Come on.
You know, you know, come on.
Stinks was not an option.
Way to dodge the question, Danny.
God, why does everyone want me to die alone? Okay, Dr.
L, as a hot guy with a fancy job, I think I have some insight here.
Number two sexiest female organ-- the butt.
Number one sexiest female organ-- the brain.
The badonkadonk and the bethinkathink.
Don't look at me like you're teaching me something.
Funny costume trumps sexy costume.
Morgan, I think you're right actually.
I'm like that cool, witty girl who kind of, like, kills it in bed, you know? - I need a funny costume.
- Say no more.
I will go to the store and return with a costume that is the pinnacle of wit.
I am not going on my Halloween date as a urinal.
Come on, it's funny, it's edgy, it's topical.
No? You sure? Oh, okay, well, I anticipated this, so I got some other options.
- Betsy.
- A condom.
A butt, a tampon, Ace Ventura, sperm? All terrible.
You are terrible.
All right, a woman should not have to choose between being hot and funny for Halloween.
So thank you for your help.
I'm okay, I'm just gonna create a costume that is both hilarious and sexy.
Tinker Bell Tailor soldier spy.
Dirty Harry Potter.
Lil Wayne On The Prairie.
You know what? I give up.
Okay? I give up.
Betsy, please text Josh, "sorry.
Patient in labor.
Can't come to the party.
Please take a Caitlin.
" A man goes where he wants when he wants.
A man goes where he wants when he wants.
Right? Barbara, you are too much.
You really are.
Perfect score, Danny.
You're up.
Break a leg.
- Never wink at me again.
- Okay.
How's it going today? Feeling good? All right, let's do this.
Permission to wipe my brow? I'm not a sea captain.
What are you writing? Eyes on the road.
You okay? You know, you're sweating.
A lot.
It's just it's hard to keep your cool when you're driving next to such a beautiful woman like yourself.
You just blew through a stop sign.
Damn it.
Damn it.
What are you writing now? What did you-- what did you write there? - Hey! - What? Hands off the-- oh, brake, brake, brake, brake! Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
I'll get the accident report started.
Always yield to spiders.
You know what, man? I'm so sick of your calm, wry comments.
Why are you yelling at me? Because everything in your life comes easy to you, whereas, guys like me, we have to work our asses off.
Are you jealous of me? What? No.
I'm not jealous of you.
Screw you.
I'm saying there are things about you that I wish I could have.
You're describing jealousy.
How does an Englishman not understand English? That is amazing to me.
Best slice in the city.
All right, are you getting this? Hold on.
I just burnt the roof of my mouth.
Honey, honey, just turn it off.
Why are you still filming? Turn it off.
Well, time to go home.
Until that fateful night when Katie Summers learned who she had really married.
Tonight on In Sickness, health and murder! Ew! What the hell? Who are you? Scram! Scram! God.
Get out of here, you gross cat.
Hello? Hey, sorry, I just got all your messages.
I just-- I stopped listening after number five.
- How you feeling? - Kind of not great.
This random loser cat tried to be my pet.
You know what, I think you guys should come out and trick-or-treat here.
There's this cool Ethiopian lady in my building.
She's handing out doro wat.
It's like this chicken stew with hard-boiled eggs in it.
Kids love it.
No, we've been done with our trick-or-treating for about an hour.
What? It's not even dark out.
- How is that scary? - Well, Riley doesn't want to be scared.
Okay, whatever, just put her on the phone for me, please? Riley, telephone! It's your fairy godmother.
Hewwo? "Hewwo"? Riley, you're in first grade now.
- How 'bout hello? - Hello.
Hey, man, happy Halloween.
Anything scary happen? Did you see a werewolf? I was a princess, and I got candy, and now I'm watching TV.
Sounds pretty good.
What are you watching? It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
What is the deal with the Great Pumpkin? Everyone's talking about it.
Well, Linus waits for the Great Pumpkin all night, but he doesn't show up.
Sounds like Linus is kind of a dummy then, huh? No, he is not! Sorry, babe.
He just sounds kind of dumb.
I've been waiting for a Great Pumpkin, and he never seems to show up.
I think Linus should just give up, go into his house, watch some murder shows.
He'll never give up 'cause he has hope.
Okay, we're just gonna have to agree to disagree.
- Love you.
- Wuv you.
Damn it, Riley.
Don't screw me.
Okay, because there's not a dent on your DMV car.
Maybe some fake cobwebs and pieces of styrofoam ghouls and whatnot, but, look, it's nothing a hose can't fix.
Danny, come on.
Can I tell you a secret? Oh, God, this day is incredible.
I'm actually jealous of you because, unlike me, you actually care about everything.
When the Mets lose a key match, how you scream at your little radio.
When your favorite sub sandwich shop closed, I heard weeping through your door.
- I wasn't weeping.
- You were weeping.
You've got such passion.
I can only imagine the vigor you apply between the sheets.
That's enough of that.
But the point is, caring about things, that's something I know nothing about.
But it's what's given you everything you've got.
And it's what's gonna make you pass this time.
We're pulling for you, Danny.
That's not helping, Eddie.
You pass.
Yes! - Good show, old chap.
- Yes! Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Yes.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I still can't believe you got her to give me a second chance.
You must have promised her a night of "vigor between the sheets.
" No, actually I told her you were molested in a car, which is why the test is so difficult for you.
What? No wonder she was crying - and patting me on the shoulder.
- Ah.
Now, when Ramon takes your photo, you hold your head up high.
Are you Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride? No, I'm an enlightment-era homosexual.
Yeah, you got it.
Diane from Cheers.
- Yes! - Great costume.
Thank you.
I thought that you would think it was lame.
Are you kidding? No.
No, you nailed it.
You know, I think that Inigo is actually better than Wesley.
- Duh.
- What do you mean, "duh," Josh? Is that such a pervasive opinion that it warrants a "duh"? Yeah, he's passionate.
He's persistent.
He's a badass.
He's-- he's good-looking.
Okay, so he's a lot like you then? Maybe.
So what happened to your patient in labor? Oh, yeah, um, she died.
- Actually - God.
I take that back.
She didn't die.
That's a horrible thing to say.
- It was dark.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I just felt embarrassed because I had a lame costume, and I thought you would think it was lame, and I-- stupid.
No, that's not lame.
Lame is tracking down a girl on the internet, finding out what her favorite movie is, and calling all over the city for an Inigo Montoya costume.
Josh, that's, like, really cute.
"Cute" like we can skip the party, move this conversation to the memory foam? Josh, we're going to the party.
Oh, wait, hang on.
- Can't forget this baby.
- Wow.
I have never seen its equal.
What? That's from the movie, The Princess Bride.
Oh, yeah, I've never actually seen it.
Come on, Josh.
Let's get out of here.
Um That's so intense.
It's real.
It's a really, really amazing costume.
It should be.
It cost me 2 grand.
The costume.
The sword was another grand.
Please stop telling me how much everything costs.

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