The Mindy Project s01e07 Episode Script

Teen Patient

Morning, Parker.
How was your weekend? Oh, it was great, Dr.
I went to a self-defense workshop at the "y.
" Yeah, they let you do it for free if you're a college student or you make less than $3,000 a year, so check and check.
Good for you, Parker.
New York can be a tough place for a little guy like you.
Yeah, you know, they say that bullying stops when you grow up, but that has not been my experience.
Do you think you could teach me some moves? Oh, yeah, sure.
Now, come at me and grab me, okay? Yeah.
Just grab me right here.
Grr! Break the hold.
Lobster claw to the throat.
Knee the groin.
Totally incapacitates them.
Parker, that is so cool.
Can I try it? Just come at me.
I don't know.
Attacking my female boss this Feels weird.
Maybe a scenario would help.
Imagine you're grieving your wife because mindy killed her in a botched operation because she's in love with you go.
Yeah, okay.
What? No, no, no, no, no.
You're a crazed fan, and I'm a Latin pop star that you're obsessed with.
No, do it my way.
I'm ready.
You killed my wife! Yes! I'm gonna make you a dead person! Okay, I can't remember what comes next.
No! (Danny) Break the hold.
Break it.
I forget which way aah! Morgan! You okay? What are you doing? It was fake! (Danny) What are you doing? It was a demo, man.
Oh! Oh, no, no, no! Parker Oh! Oh, Parker! (Morgan) Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God, I broke the intern.
Oh, my God.
I broke him.
I broke him.
We have to stop the intern program.
[Jazzy pop music.]
Hey, mindy.
Hey, Sophia.
Oh, I like your glasses.
They're kind of like mine.
Glasses twins.
Are you near-sighted too? I am near-sighted.
I am far-sighted.
I have astigmatism, pre-cataracts.
I'm actually legally blind in Hawaii and Alaska.
How's school? Good.
Yeah? What are you reading? Oh, this is freedom.
[Elevator dings.]
But it's not for school.
I just love Jonathan franzen.
What are you reading? Uh, this is actually a novelization of the film iron man.
I thought that Gwyneth Paltrow would be in it more.
How's your work going? Pretty good, actually.
I just started this groupon for H.
Vaccinations, and business has been blowing up.
Guess all those hours of online shopping was actually research for work.
I feel like the only time I get to see you anymore is around here.
You know what? When things at work settle down a little bit, I will take you to the American girl store, and we will buy your doll Sally a new friend.
Yeah, actually, I donated Sally to Tsunami victims a couple years ago.
Her name is now Kioki.
God, you are such a good kid.
Um, all right, well, if you ever need anything, Sophia, let me know.
"Hello, this is a formal, anonymous complaint "alerting you to lewd "and inappropriate workplace behavior "specifically, Morgan the nurse ogling shauna Dicanio's breasts.
" Oh, God.
(Mindy) Katie, you are now H.
And I know the shot might've hurt, but the savings did not.
Bye, guys.
I just talked to our lawyer, and we got a big problem.
Yeah? What? I got an anonymous complaint between two employees.
Ooh, anonymous.
No, it's not sexy.
It's claiming lewd behavior.
We can get sued for this.
Yeah, that is a big deal.
Do you remember soho women's health? They went under 'cause that doctor got sued for grabbing all those ladies' butts.
Not a lot of butt-grabbers around here.
And I should know.
Walking target.
I can't believe how little I'm getting from this conversation.
That's rude.
Can you handle this, please? This is a big deal.
I know it is, Danny.
But you're a partner here, right? You can't just do the parts of the job you want to do.
Do you think I wanted to talk to the air-conditioning guy? No.
No but as it turns out, he had a lot of really interesting movie ideas, and now I have a lifelong friend.
I think you can handle this human resources issue.
Oh, God.
[Door opens.]
Hey, mindy.
Hey, kiddo.
What are you doing here? You already had your H.
You're all set.
Um, actually, I just kind of wanted to talk to you about something else.
Okay, what's going on? I'm here to get birth control.
Birth control? Yes.
For sex? Yes.
Come on.
You're way too young for birth control.
You should be, like, drawing on the sidewalk with chalk.
You mean like dead body outlines? No, I don't mean like dead body outlines.
Are you k okay, I cannot raise my kids in the city.
Have you spoken to your father about this? Ever since my mom died, my dad hasn't been much help in the whole girl talk department.
I get most of my information from Chelsea handler books.
Or you.
Um, all right.
Let's talk.
Who is the guy? His name's Henry.
We met in street art class.
Street art? Yes.
Like that criminal banksy? They made a class about him? Okay, I'm sorry.
Keep going.
Keep going.
He's amazing.
I really love him, and we're ready to have sex.
I'm beginning to understand why you did not want to go doll shopping with me earlier.
It has come to my attention that there is a A problem in the office.
I found a stray dog.
I kept him here for three nights.
He had these soulful eyes.
I was not gonna leave him at the quarry.
No, it's not about the dog.
That's a bad thing, so don't do that either.
You know what this is about.
Is this about the other dog? No.
Because that is a bad dog.
It has come to my attention, Morgan, that you've been looking at shauna inappropriately.
I didn't even realize it.
But I-I-I know it's true.
Because if the men in my family have one problem, it's staring at beautiful things.
And gout.
It doesn't matter if we're looking at a beautiful Mona Lisa-type painting or a healthy set of plumpies.
Shauna, I assure you, it will never happen again.
I'm so sorry.
Let's blood-oath it.
I think it's a matter of no, no, put the Morgan, let's not blood-oath anything.
Does that officially satisfy your formal complaint, shauna? Oh, I didn't make a complaint.
It's right here.
No, I didn't.
I'd like to be real clear on this.
Does this office have a policy on dogs? Henry and I are planning on doing this next weekend.
His parents are taking his grandma to an assisted living place in Florida, so it's pretty much a date.
You've described the premise to a national lampoon movie.
That sounds horrible.
I wish that there had been someone like me around for myself when I was your age.
You lost your virginity at 15? I wish there had been someone like me around when I was 23.
I can't give this to you yet.
Come on, mindy.
You know me.
Yeah, but I don't know him.
I just I'm sorry.
I have to meet him.
But he's in school.
Hey, Betsy.
Yeah, can you please see if Dr.
Reed can cover some of my appointments this morning? Great.
Uh, what are you doing? Lucky for you, your gynecologist looks 18.
So I'm gonna come visit you at High School.
[Bell rings.]
[Laughs awkwardly.]
Oh, great, you made it.
Uh, this won't take long, right? No, I'm just gonna ask Henry a couple questions, and if he kills it, I will prescribe you any birth control you want.
And there is this new one from Belgium that comes in the form of a lollipop.
Where the hell have you been? Calculus was a catastrophe.
Ben, this is Dr.
Your shoes are insane, and your top is outta control.
Can you be my doctor? Um, I love you.
You're adorable.
Hello, new favorite person.
Ugh, what is that? Oh, this? It's slime.
Slime as in ghostbusters? No, no, no, slime as in slime.
Everyone has slime now.
Oh, so it's like an accessory.
Um, kind of.
I don't understand.
Is it considered bad or good? Don't overthink slime.
Okay, can we just, like, get this over with? All right, bye.
I'm going to the "cafe teria.
" Nice to meet you.
You too.
[Bell rings.]
Hey, where you been? Henry, this is mindy.
She's my doctor and my neighbor.
It's nice to meet you.
Grab some bean.
Thank you.
Hey there.
I'm an adult.
M-move, 'cause I'm an ad I have to sit down.
Cool lounge.
[Beanbag chair squeaks.]
So, Henry, Sophia tells me that the two of you are considering taking your relationship to the next level.
Yeah, you know, we're in love, and we want to be able to express it.
I want to be with her forever.
[Paper ball thuds.]
I'm s one second.
Hey, can I can I see that, please? Thank you.
Don't don't throw things near a woman's face.
All right, um, but what will happen when you go to college? 'Scuse me, are you gonna stay here for a while, or are you gonna keep going through? All right, sorry.
Why don't you keep yep, you made the right choice.
I'm not going to college.
You don't want to go to college? No.
Why should I load up on debt just to binge drink for four years, when I could just create an app that nets me all the money I'll ever need? Sorry, Henry.
It doesn't work that way.
Well, Mark Zuckerberg dropped out of Harvard.
Mark Zuckerberg got into Harvard, and you know what? If he had stayed at Harvard a little bit longer, then that Facebook, it would actually be a little bit more Popular site.
All right.
Do you need help? It's just a little slippery.
Just give me one second.
I don't need help getting back into a beanbag chair.
I can do it.
Let me oh, God.
I just don't want to do this.
Hang on.
Come on, come on, come on.
Just push my torso up.
Try using your knees.
[Beanbag chair squeaking loudly.]
I'm a surgeon.
I can figure out how to sit in a beanbag chair.
See? I don't even think that sex is that big of a deal.
No, no, no.
It is a big deal.
All right? And as Sophia's gynecologist, I think that when [Snickers.]
Are you laughing at the word "gynecologist"? Oh, my God.
What if you guys had a baby? I don't know.
Sophia could take care of it, yeah? Yeah, I mean, I'm a babysitter, mindy.
No, no, no, you're not babysitting your baby.
You're going to college, all right? While this joker lives in his parents' basement working on some app that tells you what pizza topping you are.
It tells you which superhero you should marry.
Obviously, you would marry Captain America.
You don't need an app to tell you that.
Look, if I wanted to be questioned by some weird old lady, I'd go home and talk to my stepmom.
I don't have time for this slime.
I'm sorry.
I'm obviously younger than his stepmom.
Sophia, I cannot sign off on this guy.
How are you the ultimate judge of guys? I saw you hit on your Chinese delivery man one time.
Okay, it was Valentine's day, and he was lingering.
And now I actually have a boyfriend who is mature and considerate, and he's the kind of guy that's worth waiting for.
And how would you feel if I asked him a bunch of personal questions? I would be fine with that, and the next time he is over, I welcome you to come to the apartment no, now! I want to meet him today.
Okay, well, I am supposed to have lunch with him at 1:00.
I'll be there.
You have class.
Yeah, the history of dubstep.
Yeah, you can skip that.
Dear horizon medical solutions, when the drawstring in your scrubs gets caught in that tiny hole, I find it basically impossible to fish it out.
I'm a busy guy, and I don't have time for this.
Betsy, can you just read that back for me? "Dear horizon medical solutions, "in regards to Have "Drawstring When" Betsy, what are you doing here? Okay, last week, I was in an operation, and the scrubs went down to my ankles.
Castellano, I wrote that human resource complaint about Morgan staring at shauna.
What? Dr.
Castellano, do you think I'm pretty? Ah, boy.
I think I'm having lunch with you.
I don't know that you are.
Hey, mama.
How's it going? Good.
Uh, this is Sophia from my building.
Oh, yes! Sophia wanted to talk to a super cool boyfriend to find out what a good adult relationship should look like.
Fire away.
How did you meet mindy? At a nightclub.
Normally I go for super skinny white girls, but something about this one screamed, "yeah, okay.
" And are you two sleeping together? What do I do here? It's cool.
Yes, we have been physical.
Do you use birth control? Couple different things.
And if she got pregnant, would you, like, totally freak out? Mama Mia.
Blitzkrieg over here.
Hey, she told me I could ask whatever I wanted.
Yeah, I'd freak out.
And then I would help raise it.
You would? I'm not 23 anymore.
Kid sounds kinda cool.
I love playing catch, and it's kinda weird with two grownup dudes.
You see, Sophia, this is the kind of guy that you want to wait for, all right? He is sweet.
He went to college.
He is funny-ish.
So you guys are gonna be, like, together forever? Uhhh, things are going really good.
That's not what I asked.
Henry says that we're gonna be together forever.
It's even his signature at the bottom of all his emails.
Well, my law firm forbids tinkering with the standard confidentiality notice at the bottom of all our emails.
Just answer the question.
Will you and mindy be together forever? Uh, you don't have to answer that.
Actually, you do have to answer that question.
Look, it's a nice idea, but I don't know if I could stay with one person for the rest of my life.
You don't ever want to get married? Maybe I'm not a forever kind of guy.
What does that even mean? Looks like you two have a few things to discuss, so I'm gonna let you guys figure that out while I head back to school.
Catch you on the slime.
What's slime? I can't believe you don't know what slime is.
I just got your messages.
What's up? Josh called me human garbage.
What? Okay, he didn't exactly call me human garbage, but he told me that he is not a "forever" type of guy.
(Gwen) Oh, that's it? Everybody has trouble with the word "forever.
" A week before we got married, Carl disappeared for a few days.
I hiked the appalachian trail! I got lyme disease! That explains a lot, actually.
(Carl) I got bit by a deer! Hold on.
(Mindy) Gwen, I have always known that I was gonna get married and stay married forever.
'Cause that is true love.
Do you remember when I wanted to keep my tennis bag in your closet? It was our worst fight of 2006.
I remember that.
I hated that.
Gwen, what if I had needed to get my snorkel, okay? And I had to lift your dumb tennis bag to get it? Imagine that times a million.
That's marriage, except the closet is your entire life, and the tennis bag is a guy.
And sometimes you will find his toenail clippings scattered around your toilet.
Just to be clear, I use the toilet as a seat.
I don't trim them when I'm going.
Okay, sometimes marriage is great.
But you'd have to be a kid to think that saying "forever" is the same as actually doing it.
Gwen, you are so smart.
I wish that we were lesbians so we could get married.
I'm serious.
I mean, we wouldn't have sex or anything.
Maybe a little kissing.
(Gwen) There you go.
Oh, oh, oh, my God.
(Gwen) Carl, this tree falls off the roof one more time, I swear to God mindy, you deserve the best! [Sighs.]
(Carl) Never settle.
Do you hear me? All right, thanks, Carl.
Damn it.
I just want guys to look at me the way they look at shauna.
Just wish I was pretty.
Betsy, you're very pretty.
Really, Dr.
Castellano? Absolutely.
You're pretty.
You're you're cute.
You're just you're just adorable.
Guys don't want adorable.
They want hot.
Well, you definitely are.
Definitely are what? Just work with me here, Betsy, okay? You're hot.
You're hot.
Okay? You're definitely hot.
I don't know.
Yeah, you're hot.
You got a great you got a great face, and everybody knows that.
You got, uh, legs of steel.
I do live in a fifth-floor walkup.
Well, it's working good, and your whole Your form is just it's very good.
You know, you really look like that movie star, Jessica Rabbit? [Laughs.]
Really? She's awesome.
Hopping along like that.
She doesn't hop, but No? She's so beautiful.
So are you.
Thank you, Dr.
Oh! I think sometimes you just need your boss to tell you that you look sexy.
No, that's, uh that wasn't what I was saying at oh, thank you so much.
Betsy, please oh.
I gotta call a lawyer.
Sophia! Hey! Oh, my God.
How are you here right now? Look Look, I just came here to apologize to you.
Ow! Heads up! I think you're supposed to yell that before it hits somebody in the head! All right, your boyfriend has some stupid ideas about college, and he is literally covered in body spray.
But he's fine.
And I'm not blind.
Henry is crazy bangable.
Thank you.
I'm just not crazy about you guys having sex already.
Ow! You have got to be kidding me! All right, volleyball practice is over.
A smart adult is giving out free advice.
Everyone gather around.
Okay, here is what I've observed about you teenagers.
One, you have terrible aim.
You hit me in the head twice with a volleyball.
That was not cool.
Secondly, you are obsessed with eternity.
Everything is forever.
Best friends forever.
Henry and Sophia forever.
It's probably why you like teen vampires and stupid crap like that.
Guess what.
That stuff's imaginary.
Sorry, babe.
It's true.
All right, teens fall for this all the time.
Hell, even teen-pluses like me fall for it.
Yeah, and maybe you'll be really lucky, and you'll find the perfect guy, and you will stay together forever.
But I'll tell you one thing that always lasts forever friendship? Herpes.
It's gross, and it is horrible.
Google-image-search it.
It's disgusting.
It's not all running through fields and hang gliding, like the ads tell you.
And guess what, guys.
Herpes is one of the better ones.
I cannot keep you from getting your heart broken.
I can't even keep you from having sex.
But I can make sure that you're safe.
Condoms, you guys.
You can't trust the guys in your life to have them.
Here you go.
For you.
Here you go.
You look like trouble.
I'm gonna give you two.
You I'm not worried about.
Uh, can I help you? Are you a parent? I am not a parent.
I am simply a concerned adult woman, helping out some at-risk youths.
And what are you handing out there? Um This feels excessive, and I bet if I were a white male, you wouldn't okay.
Well, maybe you would.
I believe this has been blown out of proportion.
Is it true that you referred to one of our male students as "crazy bangable"? Okay, who told you that? Did Megan tell you that? That was in the service of a point.
You can't just walk into a High School and throw sexual paraphernalia at kids! I didn't throw anything at anyone.
That's tawdry.
And by the way, these are not hey, what's up? This High School is ridiculous.
I mean, it's so swanky here.
It's so nice.
My High School, one window that just the seniors could use just one.
Danny, thank God you're here.
Please just tell them that I'm not some crazy pervert.
I mean, I'm not gonna lie to them.
Danny! [Bell rings.]
So you're here looking for guys? Let the poor bastards finish High School before you start grabbing at 'em.
Okay, first of all, they wish.
They wouldn't know what to do with me with their little teenage hands.
Second of all, Danny, thank you for bailing me out of school jail.
For that, I shall give you one beautiful orchid.
Just give me a slice.
I'm really hungry.
All right, a slice and an orchid.
Mindy, mindy.
So I think Henry and I are gonna wait a while to have That that thing.
Are you serious? Yeah.
Oh, thank God.
I mean, it was totally up to you, your decision, but you made the right choice.
Also, I really wanted you to have this.
Slime? For me? Mm-hmm.
I heard about the drama.
My God, I am obsessed with you.
Ben, you are such a special kid.
And I want to let you know, it gets better.
How could it? (Ben) You wish, Steven.
Who is this person? Hey, what's up? I'm Danny.
Shut up.
That's my favorite name.
Really? Mm-hmm.
I like Ben a lot.
Tell me you and him have happened.
Ugh, Ben! What? No.
Okay, guys, we should leave the premises.
I could actually arrested for real if I stick around too much longer.
(Ben) Bye.
(Sophia) Bye, mindy.
Thank you very much for the slime.
Nice to meet you.
So the florist was closed, but I wanted to get you something girly, so I popped into the pharmacy and got you some of these travel-size deodorants.
Thank you.
I'm sorry about earlier.
You don't have to be sorry.
I was just surprised because I didn't know that this was so casual.
It's not casual.
It's just here's where I'm at right now.
Josh, let me interrupt you.
Can I just tell you what I was thinking? Love it.
Yeah? Yeah.
Want an energy drink? Yeah, okay.
Thank you.
I think this is an acquired taste.
So forever is scary for me too, all right? Do you know in my shower, there's that ledge for shampoo? It's like that big.
I could never share that with somebody else.
Oh, you gotta get a shower caddy.
It falls on you sometimes, but it's worth it.
Well, I guess what I was trying to say was, even though it's scary, I think that if this is gonna keep going, there has to be at least a possibility that we could stay together forever.
I can do that.
No, for real, though, Josh.
Like, when we die, we get buried side by side.
We have matching tombstones, a statue of a cherub crying next to us.
Our grandkids come and visit the gravesite, talk about us.
How cool their grandmother was, how weird their grandfather was.
All right? Let me pitch you this.
We get cremated, right? Mixed together, sprinkled on the Florida marlins' third base line.
All right, well, I guess there's time to talk about it.
Lotta time.
That is slime.
That's pretty gross.
No, it's awesome.
Go to bed.

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