The Mindy Project s01e09 Episode Script

Josh and Mindy's Christmas Party

Estimated wait time: There will be no Wi-Fi access on the ice.
Josh, I can't.
I can't.
I could faint.
I've been waiting too long.
Please, my blood sugar.
You don't look like the type of girl that could faint.
- What? What does that mean? - I--look.
I'm not happy about this either.
I spent all night sharpening my skates.
Cut a rib eye with these things.
There is no divisive political language on the ice.
- Okay, let's go.
Come on.
- Yeah? Yep, we're leaving.
Executive decision.
Oh, my boyfriend's an executive.
waited till I saw the sun So for the next hour, the Fairview Municipal Rink is all ours.
Josh, this is incredible.
I don't know how you did this.
You know what? Don't even tell me.
Gave the guy a hundo.
Would've gone 250.
Didn't have to.
You don't have to tell me how much it costs.
It's amazing.
Let's just skate.
I didn't come I don't know why - You're good.
- Yeah? Yeah, you're pretty good.
I may have practiced.
- Pretty cool, right? - Yeah, really cool.
When I saw the break of day Whoa! Okay, okay.
I guess the guy I gave money to was just some guy.
Oh, it's okay.
As long as I'm with you, Josh, doesn't matter.
It's still romantic.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, they're swarming.
Fellas, I paid for the time here! - Can you protect me or something? - Get off the ice! Oh, God.
Ah, gah! Ow.
Ugh! God.
Still having fun, right? calendar picture, frozen landscape So we're just gonna sit here and listen to Christmas music? Well, Danny, we are discussing the annual Christmas party, and I thought it would help to set the mood.
Would have been good to go for lunch I don't need to be in the mood for things.
I just do 'em.
I didn't mind that.
It was cozy.
All right, this is our first Christmas as heads of this practice, and it is important that we do it right.
That is why Josh and I have volunteered to host the annual Christmas party at my apartment.
Ooh, mindy, you know how you get at Christmas parties.
Last year, you passed out inside the food drive box.
First of all, I was just resting there because I had had a little bit too much to drink.
Not a defense--just a description of what happened.
And second of all, I am not the same person that I was last year, all right, guys? I am a owner of a small business.
All of us are, yeah.
And I am in a stable relationship with a handsome, wealthy attorney at law, esquire.
We never even met this guy.
I mean, are we sure that he's even real? Maybe he's real in the same way that Santa Claus is real, Danny In our hearts.
No, no, no, he is not real in the way that Santa Claus is real.
He is real like I had sex with him this morning.
Whoa, that's unnecessary.
Okay, that's too much.
Fine, fine.
Yeah, yeah, okay? Have the party at your "Hello Kitty" dorm room with your little boyfriend.
I never go to the Christmas party anyway.
So Does this cover my share? Hey, Danny, please don't throw 20s at me like I'm doing lap dances.
You're a partner here.
The least you can do is show up to the party.
And, actually, you should do more, like contribute something.
You could do the party playlist.
No, never again.
I did that once, and I didn't put enough Rihanna songs on it, and I'm party Hitler all of a sudden.
To be clear, there was no rihanna on it.
It was simply three hours of listening to Jakob Dylan's dad? Bob Dylan.
How about I bring a gingerbread house? - Okay, that would be great.
- Perfect.
Guys, this was a great meeting.
Meeting adjourned.
Hey, you look great.
Oh, what a happy time of year when the little snowflakes reappear Oh! - Hey, Morgan.
- Hey--mm.
Uh, that was unexpected.
You're looking very Christmas-y.
Yes, I am.
Did you bring karaoke? Oh, yeah! Awesome.
Fun fact-- only plays songs in Spanish because I found it in the garbage behind a Mexican restaurant.
It's Christmastime Shauna! I am so glad you're here.
Now it's just like we're at work.
- Hey, Bets.
- Hey, Dr.
- Hi! - Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
This is my boyfriend, - Officer Stassen.
- I'm Barry.
- Whoa.
- Hi.
He's hot.
What the hell are you wearing? You look very religious.
- I mean, you're not gonna dress like this at work, right? - Oh, no.
We have, like, a level of cool at the office that I want you to Oh, my God.
- Hey.
- Hi! I didn't even know you were gonna show up at the party, let alone bring the most beautiful gingerbread house I've ever seen.
It's my take on the Hansel and Gretel cottage.
I love it.
I made it myself, so I just--I came to just drop it off, then I got to split.
No, you're not going anywhere.
You're, like, cool to me now I mean, until you say something weird.
No, no.
You have to stay for a drink.
All right, I'll have one drink.
Hey, hey, that's not for eating.
Well, it's too small for living in, isn't it? It's so beautiful, Danny.
What's everybody looking at? He looks like an example photo at the barbershop.
Come here, rude boy, boy, can you get it? Get it? come here, rude boy, boy, is you is enough? take it, take it, baby Damn.
Take it, take it, love me, love me This is Josh.
Everyone, everyone, this is Josh, my boyfriend.
Yep, he's really real.
He's not fake, as some of you would say.
Honey, look over to the side, so they can see you.
Okay, all right.
You don't know this, but the insulation's made of cotton candy, so Oh, everybody's looking at some guy.
Are you heading out already? Yeah, I got to go meet up with someone.
You're not the only one dating somebody.
Yeah, I can see that.
Wait, wait, before you go, you have to tell me a little bit about her.
What is she like? Female you? No, not at all.
Oh, she sounds cool.
I'm sorry.
It came out wrong.
Thank you so much for coming, Danny.
- I didn't think you were gonna show up.
- You're welcome.
You are released for your hot date.
Thank you.
Oh, God, two messages.
I hope it's not a delivery.
- Can you help me find my coat? - Yeah, okay.
- You have two unheard messages.
- you hiding it? Yeah, Danny, I'm hiding your coat.
Hi, Josh.
How's San Antonio? I'm just lying here in bed without you.
I can't wait till you're back home.
Love you.
I don't think that's your phone.
Don't play it again.
Hi, Josh.
How's San Antonio? I'm just lying here in bed without you.
I can't wait till you're back home.
Love you.
Mindy, don't jump to conclusions.
You don't know the whole situation.
The situation, Danny, is that my boyfriend - is cheating on me.
- Now, come on.
The--the lying in bed, the whole San Antonio of it all.
There's a million different-- Yep, he cheated on you.
Okay, uh, Danny, you should head to your party because, uh, I'm gonna go murder my boyfriend.
You will probably read about it in the New York Post tomorrow.
The headline will probably be a pun on the word "slay.
" No, whoa.
No, no, no, no, no.
You got to play it cool.
You got to play-- - I don't want to play it cool.
- Mindy, play it cool.
You go out there right now-- listen to me, listen to me.
- Yeah.
- You go out there right now, you make a big scene, you're gonna ruin your Christmas party.
- Danny, who cares? - The staff cares.
Just get through the party and work it out with Josh later, okay? Don't play it again.
I put up posters all over my neighborhood, but no one has claimed it.
Should I turn it in to the police? Betsy, my two cents-- you've done your civic duty.
Keep the umbrella.
You see, Shauna, this is the type of girl that you should be hanging out with.
I don't understand how you can drink so many energy drinks.
It's not a problem, as long as you drink a glass of milk - Milk.
- Every three hours.
Yeah, keeps your heart from exploding.
My theory.
Hey, babe.
Easy, babe.
That's my lucky shirt for clients' paternity hearings.
Eight for ten in this puppy.
- Nice.
- I'm so sorry, Josh.
I know when you have something really nice, you wouldn't want to wreck it.
Well, that's one way of putting it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Kind of a weird way.
How's everybody doing? Good? Mindy? We good? So good.
Josh, did you know that Jeremy and I used to have a thing? Oh, God.
Uh, no.
Didn't know that.
- Oh, big-time.
- Okay.
One night, he came over and, um, right here on this kitchen island.
- I'm just saying.
- Okay, all right.
Yeah, I'm gonna Go check out the dessert "staish.
" - Okay.
- See you, Josh.
Don't you find that interesting? It's not interesting.
Josh is so cool, Mindy.
He offered to take me Nascar riding.
I know how to pick 'em.
Hi, Josh.
How's San Antonio? I'm just lying here in bed without you.
Okay, I'll see you in a bit.
Sorry I'm late.
Hi, Josh.
- How's San Antonio? - Oh, God.
- I'm just lying here - Hey! In bed without you.
What the hell are you doing? - Get away from me.
- Hey, no.
Just get out of here, Danny.
It's not any of your business, all right? This is my phone.
Just give me the-- it's not yours! Give me the phone.
Okay? You can't just keep doing this.
All right.
Fine, fine.
Oh, my God, you dialed her.
You dialed her! Uh No, talk to her.
Talk to her.
- You talk to her.
- No, you talk to her! - Hello? - Hello? - Hello? - Hello? Why are you sleeping with my boyfriend? - What? - Find out.
- Uh, hi, sorry.
- Find out.
Some crazy woman just entered my flower shop.
- I'm not crazy.
- And she thinks I'm sleeping with her boyfriend.
- What? - Oh.
Well, are you? UhYes.
And that's a bad thing, right? - What are you saying? - Well, obviously.
Hey, why are you calling from Josh Daniels' phone? Because he's a stupid son of a bitch, that's why! Wait, who is? Um, I am a son of a bitch.
Look, this guy Josh entered into my barbershop.
- Flower shop.
- Flower shop.
And--and then I stole his phone.
Um, can--let me ask you a question.
- How do you know Josh? - Yes.
Well, I'm not going to tell the gay philanderer - who robbed him.
- Okay! Hi, do you want to tell me a little bit about how you know Josh? Just because I would-- I'd love to get his phone back to him.
Josh is my boyfriend.
AhI'm sorry.
Josh is not your boyfriend.
Josh is my boyfriend.
What? Okay, who the hell are you? I'm Mindy Lahiri, M.
, you stupid bitch! Okay, sorry.
Sorry about that.
We'll call you back.
I'd like to find out a little bit more information.
Take a-- Mindy, calm down.
Okay? Look at me.
Take a deep breath, go back inside, and you'll deal with this another day, okay? Everything's gonna be fine.
I promise.
- That's good advice.
- Are we cool? - We're cool.
- Give me a hug.
- Okay.
- It's all good.
- Not tonight.
- Yeah, okay.
Hey, Mindy.
Mindy! Don't go up there.
A little bit, there's three different things-- - Hey, babe.
- Hey.
I can't reach something in the closet.
- Will you help me? - Sure.
Is this real, or is this, like, code for some mid-party delight? What do you think? 'Cause I have been drinking.
So it might take me a little longer to get the old lawnmower started, but It will function.
Hey, Josh How's San Antonio? I'm just lying here in bed without you.
I can't wait for you to come back home.
Love you.
Oh, God.
Who is she, Josh? How did you find out? You left your stupid phone in my phone charger, - and I thought it was mine.
- This is not what it looks like.
I promise.
Why do you have a bowling ball? Couple years ago, I joined a league of all-female OBs.
The name of our team was storks and strikes, like "Stars and Stripes.
" It was clever.
Josh, who is she? She's an ex! She's almost an ex.
We started dating, like, a year ago, and I tried to break up with her.
I did, a couple times.
But then her dog started having these kidney issues, and when a dog has kidney issues-- - I'm sorry, a year ago? - Yeah, a year, year and a half, tops.
We haven't been dating that long.
Are you telling me that she's not the other woman, I am the other woman? No, I wouldn't put it that way.
This is horrible.
You are horrible.
Please fake a work emergency and get out.
Oh, here, and you have a message from your credit card company.
Early fraud warning.
I'm only now realizing the irony of that.
Everyone say good-bye to Josh.
He has to go immediately, so Ohh.
Big sports emergency.
Kobe Bryant has been shot.
- What? - - No, it's fine.
- Kobe Bryant is a famous basketball player.
- Yeah.
- He'll probably never play basketball again.
- No.
- Oh, no, wait a second.
- Yeah.
It--it's fine.
Is he going to live through the night? It's touch and go.
Gonna be fine.
Then you are gonna stay here Appreciate it.
I appreciate it actually.
He wishes he could, but he has to help kobe.
Gotta go.
Mindy's Christmas speech! Morgan The Bryant family needs Josh right now.
Phil Jackson can help the Bryants.
I want you to personally guarantee me you will stay for this speech.
You're gonna love it.
Say yes, Josh.
Come on.
Come on, Josh.
Oh, boy, he's in! Ahem! Joan of Arc, Eleanor Roosevelt, Margaret Meade Are all literally scum compared to the woman that's about to take this microphone.
I call her the thunder from down under.
Give it up for Dr.
Mindy Lahiri! No, no, get up on the stage-- the stairs right here.
Everyone can see you.
- I think someone's a little shy.
- I'm not shy.
You're a little shy.
Let's give her another round of applause.
Please stand on the stairs.
There you go.
Gotta get a good seat.
Is this high enough? I think that's great.
Um, "Thank you all for attending" Please speak up.
Share your voice.
"Josh and my Christmas party.
"Josh came into my life this year "as "kind of my own Christmas miracle "because "I wasn't expecting it, "and I didn't think I deserved it.
"With the warmth that I feel in this room, "it is like you are all my coziest and softest blanket.
" Come on, this is the worst Christmas speech I've ever heard.
Come on.
Christmas speech.
That's an important thing, right? - Yes! - Yeah! Big deal.
Title of this speech is "I love you guys so much, I can't even deal.
" - Ohh.
- Oh, boy.
Okay, "Thank you all for attending" Josh and my Christmas party.
" Okay, let's-- let's just keep this Uh, "and in that spirit, we could all gather close" and join Han--" I'm not gonna-- I'm not saying that.
Join hands? Okay.
No, don't join hands.
Yeah, let go.
Uh, skipping down.
How many pages you got here? Um, like, eight or nine pages.
Eight or nine.
Yeah, that's a lot for a, uh, party.
- I had a lot to say.
- Yeah.
Well, that's good.
I love that.
That's great.
I'm gonna just, uh Should I go to the conclusion? "In, uh, in conclusion, "to paraphrase another great woman of color, "Mariah Carey, "'all I want for Christmas' "gesture to the crowd 'is all of you.
'" okay? Ohh.
I love you.
You all right? - Who's Mindy? - Heather? Yeah! I'm here to meet your mistress, Josh.
How did you know I was here? I used the phone tracker app.
We have the same password, remember? You share a password? Damn right we do.
It's our dead dog's name.
You co-owned a dog, Josh? - Come on.
Now, wait.
- The kidney dog? She knows about Princess Buttercup? Princess Buttercup is the name of your dog, Josh? - Come on-- - Great! Now I have to change my password! Oh, my God.
Oh, my G-- - Oh, my God.
- Do you have a key necklace? Okay, she has a key necklace, everyone, except hers is encrusted in diamonds, and mine just features diamonds.
Danny, did you see that? Okay, so this is where you've been on all those last-minute trips to Sacramento Shacking up in the village with some chubby Indian girl! Whoa! Excuse me? That's not cool.
- I will kill you.
- No, you're not gonna kill her.
- I will kill you in my house.
- That's not called for.
- Okay, lady? - I will go to prison for life.
You sound familiar.
You--you are that philandering gay florist! Yeah! So what if he is, all right? At least he's not some psychotic monster bitch who crashes a party and calls a hostess chubby when she's not! She's just normal American woman size.
- And healthy.
- All right, this is a culture of anorexia, - starting right here.
- Oh, I'm so sorry I flew off the handle when I found out that my boyfriend of two years is cheating on me! What? Two years? Way to go, Josh.
Now, it's two years since we met.
You ruined my life.
Well, you ruined my party, okay? This is my home.
Oh! What about my home? You're a home wrecker! What are you doing? Hey! Whoa! Whoa! What is wrong with you? Nothing.
I'm just fine.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Just gonna wash up! That's fine, put more water on the floor 'cause it was dirty anyway.
Josh, come here.
I was just feeling kind of horny.
Ew! Oh, that's not gonna help.
Oh, you know what? We do that too, except we-- we do it naked.
This is a family affair.
You cannot talk like that.
Don't--don't throw-- That was amazing.
Oh, look.
Another home I can wreck.
No, no Not the house! Please-- no, no, no! - Not the house! - No! Hey, you know what? I was wrong.
Hey, hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just get down there.
Get down! I said I was sorry! - Eat a pretzel! - Aah! The bummer is, under different circumstances, you two would've totally hit it off.
My eyes! I can't see! I'm sorry! Take her down, Stass! That's enough.
That's enough! That's enough! - I can handle this, Morgan.
- Yeah.
You know what trespassing is, right? Yeah, I've been charged with it, like, five times.
Not you.
I just think that everyone at this party needs to know this woman sleeps with other people's boyfriends.
- Okay, no, that was you.
- Not true.
Actually, uh Technically, she is right.
I thought she was the mistress, but in fact, I am the mistress.
You honestly didn't know about me? I swear I didn't know.
I guess it was too much to ask that I have a great, monogamous boyfriend and that I throw a great Christmas party, but them's the breaks.
I'm feeling a little tuckered out, so I'm gonna just, uh, call it a night.
Make sure that you take a gift bag on your way out.
Do me a favor, though.
Just cut Josh's face out of the--the bag.
It's no longer applicable.
I'm gonna go drink some, uh, cough syrup, and I'll see you in the new year's.
Right here.
Right--right here.
You need to cool out for a little bit, mama.
You're too hot.
I'll handle-- I'll watch her.
- You take five.
- Okay.
Gee, you're strong.
What? Can't a guy sit? Please go.
I thought my presence would be comforting.
- Not really.
- No? You have this rattle when you breathe.
I-I just didn't want you to be by yourself.
We should leave.
I'm sure Dr.
Lahiri wants to be alone.
Everybody, stop.
You can't leave.
Betsy! When your turtle got salmonella, who pumped his stomach out with a little straw? Dr.
Shauna, when you wanted to wear short, tight-fitted skirts to work, who told you to be yourself and go for it? - Dr.
- Wait.
What? Morgan Where would you be without Mindy? I'd be working at that fake Popeyes on Queens Boulevard.
Mindy has always been there for us, now we're going to be there for her.
Betsy, gloves.
Shauna, apron.
Morgan, spatula, stat.
You're gonna be okay, little guy.
Thanks, doc.
- I'm talking to the house, Morgan.
- Yeah.
I thought I'd made progress, but I was wrong.
No one will ever love me.
I'm such a loser.
I'm back to zero.
No, no.
Come on.
Stop crying.
- Buck up.
- Danny! Danny! Stop hitting me! When you're sad, you're supposed to cry.
Look, you're never gonna get to a place where bad things don't happen to you.
You handled this pretty well tonight Well, not that well, but a lot better than you would've when I first met you.
That's progress right there.
And I know you're gonna meet some guy, and--and whoever that guy is He's not getting a terrible deal out of it.
Danny If we're still single in five years and we haven't found anybody, can we make a pact That we will kill each other? Yeah.
But the very next day you gave it away you gave it away Hey, Mindy! Oh, grab a drink.
Thank you.
I can't believe you guys stayed.
Get this arm out.
There you go--ohh! I'm handcuffed, so it's not gonna come off.
Yeah, just I don't know if the frosting is load-bearing.
What? You know what, man? Thank you.
I appreciate it.
It looks really beautiful.
Danny, does it remind you of your broken home? Listen, is anybody else sick of this Christmas music? Can we just do some-- just karaoke? Oh, doc, that only plays music in español.
Oh, perfect.
Or should I say, perfecto? Whoa.
Para bailar la bamba Let's go.
Para bailar la bamba se necesita un poquito de gracia Everybody dance.
Un poquito de gracia y otra cosita y arriba y arriba y arriba y arriba por ti sere, por ti sere, por ti sere Come on, everybody! Bamba, bamba Everybody! Bamba, bamba That's right.
Bamba, bamba Go to bed.

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