The Mindy Project s02e15 Episode Script

French Me, You Idiot

Previously on The Mindy Project Mindy, I can't see you anymore.
I don't trust you.
What? "Dear Cliff, I'm so sorry for what I did.
" Can I help you? "I'm sorry I was so stupid and reckless with your heart.
" Oh, my God.
Okay, keep it coming, little Shakespeare.
I need to get Mindy back.
"You know you're right for someone when they force you to be the best version of yourself.
" I'm sorry.
I probably shouldn't have done that, right? Look, I'm gonna count to three.
If you don't kiss me, I'll realize this was a big mistake, and I'll return to my seat in humiliation.
One Two Three Four.
Get it off.
What are you doing? My brother's boyfriend gave me that for Christmas.
I'm the boss now.
- No, no, no, no.
- Mm, I'm the boss.
No, I don't like it.
I'm the boss.
I'm the boss.
I'm the boss.
- Oh! - Whoa! What are you doing? What are you doing? - Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Shut the door.
This is good, Danny.
I like this.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
How is this beneficial for anyone right now? No, it's hot, it's hot, it's making me hot.
No, it's not hot.
It's making me hot.
Ah, Danny! Ah! Oh, Danny, you flushed my hair! My arm is stuck.
I can't get it out, Danny.
Why did you do this to me? Ow! Stop! so do you want to come inside for a drink? I'll come inside, but I don't know about a drink.
It's 6:00 A.
Hey, hey, if this is gonna work, Danny, you have to get used to my rock-and-roll lifestyle.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
I think I might be able to get used to it.
Uno, dos, tres, four.
Cliff? Cliff, what are you doing here? They're playing in your eyes, a romantic gesture.
- I should have trusted you! - What? I'll never make that mistake again.
I don't know what you're saying.
Guys, guys, guys, amigos! Sto it's you got to read the room.
I was wrong, Mindy.
I-I should have trusted you.
I still want to be with you.
Let me get a photo.
Um, well, you just It's so you did so much.
It's such a nice gesture, and it's first thing in the morning.
It would be incredibly mean of me not to.
Look at this.
So beautiful.
A little more Show some teeth.
Don't be afraid.
Maybe one day we will have true love like this.
Ready? One, two, three.
- Took it on two.
- That's very nice.
I'm gonna get going.
You're gonna take off? Yeah.
Danny, uh, you know, thank you so much for seeing Mindy home safely.
Are you tipping me? No, no, no, no.
No, well We're gonna get out of here, guys.
- I'll get your bags.
- Okay.
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro.
Hey, Cliff, um I think that we need to talk.
I don't know, Mindy.
I feel like your I feel like your email said it all.
It was surprisingly eloquent.
"Surprisingly"? Well, yeah, most of your emails are pretty poorly spelled, aggressively vulgar, full of pop-culture references that no one understands.
I don't know about that.
This was different.
No, I mean, this was magical.
"You know you're with the right person when they force you to be the best version of yourself.
" Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I wrote the crap out of that letter real romantic-like.
- I did.
- Come here.
No, see, um, I-I shouldn't.
I shouldn't kiss you or hug you.
An old man coughed up blood on me on the airplane.
I just don't want to get you sick, so - There.
- Oh, my God.
I still feel weird from that, so I should probably rest.
Well, I'll be back.
And, Mindy I'm really glad we're back together.
Cliff, I think we should break up.
I'm in love with someone.
I didn't think we were gonna do this this early.
I'm in love with someone too.
Oh, God.
What's going on? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing? - I'm horny for kisses.
- No, no, no.
- Aren't you still with Cliff? - Technically.
He wouldn't accept my breakup because of that stupid, beautiful letter that you wrote.
He's basically in love with you, so it's your fault.
Now french me, you idiot.
No, I'm not gonna french you.
As long as you're still with Cliff, we can't kiss.
We can't touch.
We shouldn't even be in the same room together.
I'm so catholic, I don't even trust this new pope.
Catholic? There's tons of things that you're not very catholic about.
- Like what? - You're divorced.
I'm annulled.
So you did not have sex before you were married? - I found a way.
- I don't care, 'cause I'm hindu, and we can do basically anything.
I don't care what you say to that giant elephant up there.
According to my guy, this is wrong.
You have a boyfriend.
Danny, I just I really want to kiss you, okay? Why are your lips so scrumptious? I don't know.
They just are.
And those eyelashes I mean, they're just so long.
- They are? - You look like a pony.
Just one kiss, and I will go away.
- One kiss? - One kiss? One's fine.
This is bad.
This is bad! No! No.
It's just very hard for me to dump guys.
It's actually a lot easier for me to get dumped by guys.
Danny, I should just get him to dump me.
Go get dumped.
I'm gonna go get dumped.
So why don't you lube up those smackers? Everyone, everyone I have great news.
Fishbein has had a heart attack.
How is one of our peers having a heart attack good news? She was the OB-GYN to the New York metropolitan ballet.
Now she's gonna retire, meaning Oh, I can figure out what that means.
OB-GYN, heart attack, let me just finish rearranging these letters.
It means their business is up for grabs.
And I've arranged for our practice to pitch.
I'm obviously the cultured one, plus, I own a cape, so I will be running point.
My second will be d-d-d-Danny He's leaving.
Mindy Lahiri, a female woman.
I'm sorry that I have to admit this, but I'm actually banned from Lincoln center, because apparently there is a "three strikes" policy for falling in the fountain there.
I guess we go straight to third place.
Peter, you will be helping me.
Come in for the shake.
You're gonna have to at least meet me halfway.
Just come down and get it.
- Thank you.
- You're the worst.
Reed, I got it.
"Treadmill peacock sings," and the words left over are "h," "g," and "y.
" Come on in.
- Mindy? - Yep.
The door was open.
That's cool, babe.
Come right in.
Are you whoa! - Oh! - Hey.
You want me to close the door? No.
No need for that.
- Hey.
- Just got off the phone with my psychic.
- You have a psychic? - She told me that we were gonna have eight kids.
And I said, "I think after six, - we'll probably go snip, snip, snip.
" - Whoa.
Are you saying you want to break up? I'll kill you.
I'll kill all your friends.
Uh, no, I'm not saying I want to break up with you.
It's just you're talking about Hey, hey.
Kiss me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait.
Okay, all right, this You're acting all crazy.
Oh, hang on.
Oh, I got to I got to grab this.
Hello? Gramps? Hey, can I take this in the bedroom? Yeah, of course.
Watch out for my rescue cats.
What's up? Okay.
Gram's dead.
Who? Okay.
So your grandmother was Was very, very young? No, she was super old.
But she never forgot my birthday Until this year.
And I really let her have it.
I'm gonna put you in a cab and get you home.
- No, no.
- They say the best thing for grieving is to be by yourself.
No, no, no, Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.
No, I can't be trusted to be alone tonight.
- W - If I go home tonight alone, I will kill a homeless person.
- What? - I'm not literally gonna kill a homeless person, okay? - Okay.
- I'm gonna kill something.
Can I stay here tonight, please? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You are the only person that can get me through this.
All right.
Weird beard.
Duncan tells me you are making a play for the New York metropolitan ballet account.
And how does Duncan know that? Morgan tweeted it.
Let us save you a swipe of your metro card, because we are getting that account.
Ballet choosing midwives over doctors.
While it's true we lack your narrow-minded approach to medicine, we are both ballet enthusiasts and gold member donors.
That's $500.
That's more than that.
No, it's not.
Oh, yes, it is.
How much is it? I don't remember, Duncan, but it was significantly more expensive.
Well, you want to redo the taxes? You think you're the only ones that have been around the ballet? Well, I got news for you.
I was dragged to every single one of my sister's ballet recitals.
And they were the worst.
Wait, you don't like the ballet? No, I hate it.
I'm just trying to make a little extra scratch for the practice.
- Please do not be upset.
- Okay.
But I didn't break up with Cliff because someone very close to him died, - and he's devastated.
- Who? - His grandmother.
- No.
No, no grown man is devastated when he loses a grandparent.
Come on, that is an excuse.
You don't want to break up with him.
I'm already broken up with him in my heart.
I have to wait until after the funeral.
You know what? Let's forget this whole plane thing happened.
Let's just forget about it, okay? Let's chalk it up to turbulence and altitude and the blue corn chips.
This whole thing was a big mistake.
No, no, no.
Sit down, sit down, sit down.
Don't be that way.
Don't be that way.
We're not gonna pretend that the plane thing didn't happen.
We're gonna wait a little bit longer until his grandmother is buried in the dirt.
And if you don't believe me, you can go talk to him and see how devastated he is.
Talk to him? Now the woman doing the fouettes is the prima ballerina.
The rest of the dancers make up the corps du ballet.
Now this is fantas - Peter! - I'm awake.
I'm not asleep.
You were talking about ballet and you were a bear.
Well, you're gonna have to at least feign an enthusiasm for dance if we're to get the contract.
Now focus.
Look at her Elegant, athletic.
- Huh.
- What? I think I dated her And her.
And her.
How many ballerinas did you date? When I was going through my Lothario phase, I went through something of a ballerina tear.
They're not gonna let me through the door.
I guess I could go get it.
You thought a pirouette was a type of cookie.
It is, and if you break it in half, it's also a breakfast cereal.
- Hey, Cliff.
- Hey, Danny.
Mindy said you were sad about your grandma.
I'm sorry to hear about that, so I Brought you something to drink.
Dan's funky ale.
" I brew it myself in my guest bathroom.
- What do you think? - It's good.
Mindy says you're really upset? No, I'm not upset, Danny.
Yeah, it's your grandma.
I'm absolutely devastated.
No person should ever have to bury a grandparent.
Thank God for Mindy, though.
She really took care of me last night.
Yeah, she's a good kid.
She took care of you? S-she made you soup? No, she came over and spent the night.
Like, she slept on the couch while you slept in the other room on the bed? Yeah.
No, we slept in the same bed.
So were you, like, aroused? I'm gonna cut this conversation short, Danny.
It's getting pretty uncomfortable.
So, Mindy - Hey.
- Hey.
Did you did you cheat on me with Cliff? What? No.
If anything, I cheated on Cliff with you.
He strongly implied that you two mated.
What? Okay, you two, get out of here.
Go do something useful, all right? Scram.
Sit down.
See this? I want you to show me on this what you did to Cliff last night.
- What? - Show me.
Okay, this is dumb.
Sure, fine, Danny.
His arm was I don't know Like, here.
And his hand was, I guess, a bit cupped.
- Your breast? - Yes.
And what else? What else? - My hand was here.
- His knee? In that region.
That's the, uh That's the groin? I did not sleep with Cliff.
I slept next to Cliff because he was very, very sad.
Nothing major happened.
Okay, wait a minute.
What do you mean "nothing major happened"? I massaged his jeans.
Was he in the jeans? Danny, Cliff might have my hand, but you You have my heart.
And you have to write his grandmother's eulogy for me, because he thinks I'm a great writer because of your letter.
No, no, no, no, no.
You know what? You write the eulogy by yourself, okay? Unless you sprained your hand last night.
You know what I mean? Knock-maste.
I have a proposition for you.
No ballerina is gonna want to jump into the stirrups for a party-hungry bro-dog like me.
Well, you're less dumb than I thought you were.
However, there is no way that a ballerina wants to have their pelvis examined by an unlicensed hippie witch doctor like you.
Well, what is your proposition? I am very busy.
I have to plan Duncan's What I'm proposing is that we team up together.
It's outside the box.
But outside the box is where I choose to live.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna barf.
Hey, what are you doing here? You're barely friends with Cliff.
Ask me anything about him.
Go ahead.
Eyes Deep sky blue.
Favorite beer Dr.
Dan's funky ale.
You made him drink your beer? - Yes, I did.
- It's terrible.
- He loved it.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Boy, thank you so much for coming.
I can't wait to read your eulogy.
You're just you're so great with words.
And I know that gram really would have appreciated it, provided she never actually saw you.
You know, she was Racist.
Yeah, me too.
I'm really excited for this eulogy.
We got quite a wordsmith over here.
Okay, you shouldn't be excited for a eulogy.
That's very morbid.
I am too.
Poor, sweet Cliff.
We are gonna find who did this to her, and you know what we're gonna do? You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna forgive 'em.
I kissed my grandmother so tight on the lips this morning, she said she said, "get the hell off me.
" We got in a big fight.
And she's in heaven right now with her little bows and arrows, shooting people in the butt.
Did you know her? No.
And together, we can serve not just your bodies, but your minds, your souls, your chakras, and, of course, your vaginas.
The "pas de deux" of our two practices will leave your company's health in first position.
I didn't expect such a love of ballet from a man who burped so much in the waiting room.
Well, ballet excites me.
And when I get excited, I belch.
While we're making our decision, you should stay for rehearsal.
Oh, I don't think Excellent.
What a treat.
We'd love to.
We'll be doing the whole run-through.
It'll be four hours of our most subtle work.
What a perfect amount of time for a wordless classical dance performance.
Well, Peter, this is how you die.
I'd like to say a few words, if I may, to honor the woman we all know as gram, which is short for "grandma" Which in itself is short for "grandmother.
" "But her real name wasn't gram, "it was 'find out real name from Cliff.
' okay, I forgot to text him.
"When an old person dies, it isn't as tragic "as someone taken from us too soon, "like Anna Nicole Smith, but irregardless" Mm - What? - "We feel 'sadliness.
'" is that a word? "To quote Kendrick Lamar in his song, expletive, don't kill my vibe" You know what? Let's why don't we Let's just, you know, jump ahead a little bit here.
No, no, Cliff, Cliff "We don't know what tomorrow will bring.
"I'm sure gram had no idea her head would explode.
" Oh, God.
"There's always one reason "more important than any other "that you should just be with that person or persons Because you can't imagine life without them.
" "At any moment, there's plenty of reasons "not to spend time with someone You're busy, you're fighting, "you're surfing the Internet, hold for laughs" Nope.
The Internet can suck up a lot of your time.
Come here.
Wait, Danny.
Danny, I haven't broken up with Cliff yet.
What about bloody Mary? The virgin Mary.
God, give us a sign if you think we're doing something wrong.
Well, the church wasn't damaged, but I guess the service is over.
I guess we're going with cremation after all.
Oh, God.
Hey, Cliff, I am so, so sorry.
How did this happen? I knocked over a candle with my buttocks.
Accidents happen How could I be upset with you when you were probably just trying to light a vigil candle for gram? So sweet.
Oh, God.
I'm gonna get us some soda pop.
- You a root beer man? - No.
- I'll get an assortment.
- Okay.
Cliff I kissed Danny.
And I don't think it's a one-time thing.
I think I have feelings for him, and I want to pursue them.
I am so sorry.
Okay, so When the candle fell over More bad news, Cliff.
I'm sorry.
They're out of root beer.
Oh, my God! My only solace is in knowing that gram was a cruel and unforgiving woman, and her ghost will haunt you for eternity.
I've seen this ballet performed many times, but never quite so slowly.
It's almost more powerful.
Peter, are you crying? I'm crying because I need to pinch a nip to stay awake.
Look, she will cross the stage to join her love.
When she gets there, there will be an intermission, so hang on.
Here she goes.
Oh, my God, get to him.
She's going, but, oh, no, she goes back.
Oh, God.
There she goes.
Go to him! - Peter.
- Move faster! Don't st Go to him! Get there fa How come you're not helping her? She clearly has some sort of disability.
Just walk to him.
There! We all did it together! Intermission! Brava! We can find our own way out.
I don't have an ice pack for your lip.
Just use one of those frozen pizza bagels.
These things have a lot of nitrates in them.
You shouldn't eat them.
Okay, then I wouldn't have something to put on your lip.
You're right.
I'm good.
I'm good.
So, uh Now what? Well, I don't want to hurt your bruised lips.
No, no, they're numb.
There's a Ken Burns documentary on the history of doo-wop.
I saw that one.
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