The Mindy Project s03e09 Episode Script

How to Lose a Mom in Ten Days

Danny, my beloved sex partner, get in here.
Welcome to your erotic bath.
I don't know.
Baths? Isn't that like marinating in your own filth? Danny, come on.
Cosmo says that taking a bath together is the #9 way to have a horny autumn.
Don't you want to have a horny autumn? I don't know.
I don't think it's for me.
I'm good.
Yeah, you know what? Why would you wanna take a bath? Only losers take baths like Scarface.
I'm in.
Scarface never sat on Michelle Pfeiffer's lap.
He should've.
Maybe in Scarface 2 they will.
I feel like I'm in a baby bjorn.
I'm like a kangaroo and you're in my pouch.
Ow! Your knee's in my butt cheeks! Well, you just elbowed me in the breast! Ow! This is nice.
What? This sucks.
I could take a bath with Beverly like this.
This is kind of nice.
It's nice, right? Mm-hmm.
I told you we should take a bath together.
Daniel, are you in here? That's ma.
She can't see us like this.
Pretend I'm in the bath and you're on the toilet watching.
What? That's so much worse! I'm coming in! Duck! You're taking a bath? Isn't that just marinating in your own filth? It's sexy and cool.
Well, Ellen had on these two little British girls, you know, those girls? And they're not even that good! I mean, one of them doesn't do anything.
I should've had you and Richie on when you were that age.
Ah! Okay, ma, I'm gonna need a little privacy right now.
I gotta clean my bathing suit area.
All right.
But remember: The bathroom door can't block God's eyes.
Good-bye, ma! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! What is the matter with you? Let me say something.
I am really impressed at how long you can hold your breath.
You're like a navy seal, babe.
I'll see you later, Danny.
Enjoy your bath, Mindy.
You blew it! Danny, I still have bubble bath up my nose.
That was the worst.
Your mother has to learn some boundaries.
I sent you a dirty text the other day.
You know what I got back? "You should be ashamed of yourself.
This is Annette.
" Sometimes ma goes through my phone.
You've gotta stop sending me all those nudies.
Oh, I will never stop sending nudies.
That's my first amendment right.
Danny, I feel like since we've started dating, your mom's been around a lot more.
Look, whenever I'm in a serious relationship, you know, she gets territorial.
Look, she still wants to know that she's my number one girl, that's it.
She's your number one girl? If a train was coming and you could only save one person Ma.
You shouldn't have been playing on the tracks in the first place.
Look, here's the thing.
My ma and I, we don't have a normal mother-son relationship.
I mean, since my dad left, I've been the only man in her life.
That is very sad.
And sweet.
I get it.
"Remember, you're not married.
It's a sin.
Love, Annette.
" Hello, Dr.
Ledreau, how I love these long, comprehensive chats.
Now the trick with aphids is, you have to Catch them before they hatch.
Yes, you did mention that, and it's very interesting.
Oh, Mindy, hello.
Come on in.
Take a load off.
Just giving Dr.
Reed here some gardening tips.
Cool! Wait, Jeremy, you said being outdoors was for, "peasants.
" What? No! She must've misheard my thick foreign accent.
Well, I have a delivery, but to be continued.
Fair thee well, Dr.
Fair thee well.
Why are you being such a kiss-up to Dr.
Ledreau? He's so boring.
But he is about to retire.
Which means His parking spot is free? I don't have a car, but I don't want anyone else to have it.
No, no, no.
Ledreau is gonna have to refer all his patients to a new practice.
So I have been buttering him up to get my hands on that sweet patient list of his.
Don't do that, Jeremy.
It's dorky.
Oh, sorry.
I can't wait until I get my greasy mitts on that parking spot.
Voila! How is that not dorky? I look cool.
Everyone, I have an announcement to make.
I know that you don't like when I drag my personal issues into the office That's all you ever do.
It's unprofessional.
But you all deserve to know the truth.
Tamra? I dumped Morgan last night.
How come no one's gasping? Hey, what happened? Did you see the two of you in a mirror together? Wait, wait, what? No, what? No, I just felt like we were better off as friends who don't hang out or talk.
Why do you keep nodding? This is a terrible thing.
Morgan! Yes.
Why is your desk and all your stuff in my office? Obviously, I'm too heartbroken to work in Phlebotomy with Tamra.
So you and I will be office mates unless Dr.
L, you wanna take me in? No.
C? My man? Absolutely not.
L? Maybe Danny does? Dr.
C? Nope.
It's all me and you, buddy.
No I It's fine.
Look, we'll make a few adjustments.
We can The sign, we'll just add Like, I have a bumper sticker that says "Oregon".
And we can use a sharpie and make it "Morgan".
No! No "Moregon.
" Okay, can we please talk about this in our office? Stop saying "our office.
" You just spilled all the blood samples! Son of a bitch! Hey, I made a reservation for two tonight.
In my pans.
He can't.
He's putting up my Christmas lights.
You're gross.
Hey, Peter.
Hmm? Did you ever date a girl and her mom's always hanging around? Oh, yeah, it was super awkward.
And in your situation, are you also secretly dating the mom? Oh, my God.
And Danny won't do anything about it because he's this creepy, Norman Bates-style son-husband.
So why don't you get her a real husband? If finding a husband was that easy, I would not be here working.
I'd be married and in Connecticut.
Wine-drunk all day, and working on my smug mom-blog called "diapers and daydreams.
" Well, you could get her a date.
You know, someone to take her off your hands.
That's what my friends always do with me.
But it never works because the women they set me up with always hate me.
That's a good idea, but I don't have any friends to set her up with.
Damn it! Why is my posse so young and fresh? And right after that Robin left my birdbath, you'll never guess who showed up.
My friend bill.
He's also a Robin.
I said, "come on in, bill, the water's fine.
" Oh, look! Another person is here! Hello, Dr.
I have a question for you.
Would you like to get set up on a date with Dr.
Castellano's mother? Well, that sounds lovely.
Boy, everyone in your practice is so darn nice.
Just me.
I'm just a little nervous.
I haven't been on a date since 1974.
Has a lot changed? Do people still do cocaine? Here's some tips.
Do not bring up your ex-boyfriend and start to cry.
Sounds easy, but it happens.
Also, if he makes a joke, go "You're bad.
" That sounds slutty to me.
I know, exactly.
And most importantly, wear an outfit that makes you feel beautiful.
You don't like what I got on? Dot picked it! A it's a new England aquarium sweatshirt and tan pants.
It's nice.
It shows she travels.
I think I might have something in my closet.
You're a lot smaller than me, but this one time, I had a stomach parasite and got real skinny.
Eat your heart out, Sofia Vergara.
I feel so beautiful.
I think a date is exactly what I needed.
What did Danny say when you told him? What the hell is this? Why's ma dressed up like the tart of Staten island? I didn't exactly tell him.
I said it was slutty.
This is unbelievable! Your poor, sweet mother seemed lonely.
So I thought I would set her up on a date with Dr.
What? No! No, no, no, no, no.
Ma, I do not like this.
Why not? What's the big deal? Yeah, you're acting as mad as that time I used your shoehorn to get my phone out of the toilet I had no way of getting my shoes on that day! I had to walk around with flip-flops.
Stop pimping out my ma.
She's nothing but cleavage right now.
Danny! This is nothing compared to that v-neck that gay guy from the mall tricked you into buying.
Oh, and I get hit on non-stop when I wear that thing.
And I don't want that for ma.
Would you just relax? It's one date, and I'm going! Your date! He's here.
And it looks like he has sex on his mind.
That's not helpful.
If he has a heart attack, it's because he took one of those sex pills.
Just leave him, ma.
Danny, I just want your mom to have a boyfriend so Valentine's day isn't you, me, and ma kissing at the top of the empire state building.
That would never happen because ma and I like to get Chinese food, and then we watch goofy movies.
You know what, Danny? I think that you are part of this problem.
What are you talking about? Yeah, your mom is overbearing and she's clingy, and she constantly leaves weight loss pamphlets in my purse.
But she only does those things because you let her.
I think you like her being around all the time.
No, I don't! She's not my best friend.
You know, we don't know who this Ledreau guy is.
He could be a killer.
They never caught zodiac.
Okay, Dr.
Ledreau is a sweet, nice man.
If anything, I'm afraid he's not gonna like her.
What? Why wouldn't he like her? Ma's a perfect ten.
Kate Upton is a perfect ten.
Who's this Kate up-town? Ooh, a message from Annette.
Oh, God, help me! Please, help! Oh, no! He was a murderer! Sorry, Mindy, I'm in the garden center.
Some of these guys no speak-a the ingles.
Anyways, had a great date last night.
If you see Danny, tell him I might not do sunday dinner because I'm going on another date.
Yes! Also, Ellen had this dietician on the show No.
Oh, my God! Dude, how long are you gonna be here? Well, normally the amount of months I date someone, that's how many years it takes me to get over them.
So seven years.
I think that I would like to help you create an online dating profile.
What do you say, huh? So that you can meet the woman of your dreams.
Yeah, I already met Markie post one time.
And her publicist said stop sending her emails.
Come here.
The trick to online dating is You wanna bold-faced lie.
So for example, "what are your interests?" Dog husbandry and spending time with grandmother.
I will say surfing.
Now, "professional income"? Impoverished.
I heard, "rather not say.
" Yeah.
Now, we need to upload a photo.
Oh, my God! I got one of me collecting bones at the dump.
It's great.
I look really good.
The trick to online dating is finding a photo of you surrounded by two uggos so you look hot by comparison.
I'm gonna go get Dr.
Reed and Dr.
I'll be right back.
Just get Dr.
Paging Dr.
Please report to Mindy! Just kidding.
Ledreau, I heard that you had a great date with Annette.
Well, I thought we did, but she's not returning my calls.
Wait, what? She told me that she had another date on sunday.
Hey, Dr.
Ledreau, fancy joining me for a spot of breakfast? You can tell me facts about toast.
I'm not really in the mood.
What did you do to him? Nothing, I was just my normal, charming self.
Ledreau, wait! How is your grandson doing with the trumpet? Dr.
L, you gotta come here and see this.
Morgan, I don't want to see your ice bucket challenge.
It's like 80 years too late.
Yeah, but I did mine with hot water.
It doesn't matter No, but come here, look, look, look! This is my online dating profile the matches came back in.
Your first match is Sarah.
Yes! I love you.
I'm in.
Dude, you gotta see them all.
I feel like she's the one.
Your next match is Annette.
Oh, my God! Seems a little o-l-d.
Now, she picked an excellent choice of uggos.
Oh, no! I've turned her into the tart of Staten island! Mindy, dot and I are watching QVC.
Now, the safari Vixen collection.
Can white women wear that too? Hey, why are you doing online dating? I thought you had a good date with Dr.
Oh, I did.
I love dating! But I figured, if I had such a good time with that fuddy-duddy, I wanna see what else is out there.
Hey, there is nothing else out there.
Take it from me, New York City is just all hot gays and bald straights.
Says you.
I've already been twixting online with a couple of cool guys.
A plumber from the Bronx, and a blue-eyed black fellow who's a model! Blue-eyed black guys are not real.
They're always a catfish.
Oh, my God.
Danny's gonna kill me.
Relax! She's just having a sexual awakening.
Like when Stella got her groove back.
That doesn't exist! You go to the crib and you get natalee holloway-ed! Is that what you want, Annette? These online guys? They're all murderers or weirdos Hey! Hey! Welcome to Porgan's office! Peter and Morgan Oh! Very cool.
Have I ever told you the story about these glasses? Yeah! Got them at the Salvation army.
Salvation army.
They were throwing Gonna throw 'em out.
And I swooped in and said "not on my watch.
" Hey, I need a favor.
Will you take Danny's mom out on a date? Really? You take her out on a horrible date, and then she realizes that Dr.
Ledreau isn't that bad.
Oh, you want me to throw the date.
No, no, no Women I just want you to be yourself.
First you tell Tamra she can do better than me, and now this? You know what, forget it.
But to have you Give you 200 bucks.
She can pick me up at 8:00.
Hey, sweetheart.
Oh, hey, babe.
These are for you.
They're so beautiful! Wait, did you cheat on me? What? I'll kill you.
Ow! I'll plow through all your friends! Mindy, relax! No, of course not.
I wanted to thank you.
I think you're right.
I do need to Let ma go a little.
I'm sorry.
You don't have to apologize, Danny.
I didn't apologize when I ran out of plates and used your records to eat off of.
Oh, yeah.
Well, the good news is, I think she really liked Dr.
She's got another date tonight.
And you have a date tonight, with Dr.
Dan, foot masseuse of the stars.
Tell your arches it's judgment day.
Hello? Hey, Annette.
I'm just calling to find out how your date went last night.
Mindy, you were right.
I don't want to play the field anymore.
I'm too old to be making it with randos.
Oh, I am so happy to hear that.
I just want to go on another date with Morgan.
Wait, what? Beverly? Where's Morgan? He's out in the courtyard playing catch with Dr.
Oh, God.
You know, I'm glad we did this.
Usually come out here to smoke.
This is much healthier.
Great idea, Morgan.
You know, my dad left when I was a kid, too, so I didn't even know what catch was.
Turns out it's just like fetch.
But both people are the person.
That's a good point.
Getting so big.
I gotta lay off the creatine? It's like I'm watching you become a man, before my eyes.
I love ya.
Maybe next Halloween we can hang out together.
Yeah, sure.
Maybe I'll be Barney rubble, you be bam bam.
I'll take you trick or treating, the whole thing.
Yeah, I don't really trick or treat anymore, though.
Morgan, I need to talk to you, right now! Listen, I can't do this anymore.
We have to tell him.
No, we're not telling him anything.
Babe, you're sorry.
Stop, stop, stop.
Stop it! Stop it! What's going on? Danny.
Yeah? I'm dating your mom.
You're what? Do not freak out, Danny! Do not freak out, Danny.
What?! You shut up.
Shut up.
What did you just say to me? Danny, do not freak out, I just set them up to teach your mother a lesson so that she wouldn't want to play the field.
Okay, this is all your fault, okay? You put those floozy ideas into ma's head! This is what Morgan's gonna do.
He's gonna call Annette, right now, and he's gonna end things with her.
No! Yes! No, you guys think I'm not good enough for Tamra, and I'm not good enough for your mom.
Well, you know who likes me the way I am? Nettie.
"Nettie"? I can't break up with her.
Danny cannot have another Father walk out on him.
Another Father? No, no, no What are you doing? I'm so proud of you.
I forgive you.
I forgive you.
Okay, okay, that's it.
Calm down.
Danny, I'm so sorry! You know, this is all your fault, Mindy.
Stay away from my ma! Got a temper like his dad.
Shut up.
Hey, Dr.
Do you know where Morgan is? Tamra casually asked.
He's on a date.
Some older chick he's really into.
Ew, why? Older women are horrible.
Didn't you see Jacqueline Bisset's golden globe speech? Why do you care? Didn't you break up with him? I know, Dr.
I feel bell jar as hell right now.
I'm gonna go win him back.
Yes! You know what? Yes.
Go win him back, and while you're doing that, I'll move his desk back into Phlebotomy.
Son of a bitch bolted it to the floor! Hi! Sorry I'm late.
A store was selling discounted fall decorations.
I'm talking gourds! It's way cool We're gonna put that back in the bag right now, thank you.
But you said we needed cool Okay, the reason we're here, ma This is an intervention.
You can't just be going out with any rando you meet online.
You can't do that, okay? Hey! Whoo! I ran here.
All right! Oh! Hi! Hi! What the hell is he doing here? I invited him! Like fun double date.
This is fun, you know? It's so hard for a family to sit down, you know, for a meal these days.
I'm gonna kill him.
Ah, cool it.
Eat an ice cube.
I have never said this in the history of my life, but I think that we should skip dinner.
Ma, you're not going out with him anymore, okay? Daniel, don't talk to your mother that way.
- No, that's it.
- Thank you.
Annette Luiga Castellano, come on, get up.
We're going outside, we're talking.
You don't tell me what to do.
Get outside, we're gonna talk right now.
Family talk.
Sit your ass down.
I was I wanted to sit down anyways.
Want you to shut up, I want you to button up your shirt.
What are you doing, going on dates? Playing the field? Come on! This isn't you.
Well, maybe I want it to be.
Mindy says that there Mindy's a sex maniac, okay? It's not her fault, it's a cultural thing.
The spices, the colors.
Why do you think those gods have so many hands? But you you're a good catholic.
Behave like one.
Maybe too good a catholic.
The only reason I didn't date when you and Richie were growing up was because I felt too guilty.
What? You wanted to date this whole time? It's not like men weren't interested.
Why do you think Father Frank was always over the house? To aid my religious education and do crafts with me.
And there were others, too.
Oh Yeah.
There was the butcher, three of your gym teachers Okay Mayor Dinkins Okay, I get it, I get it! People were into you, ma.
Why didn't you go out with any of these guys? Huh? Why didn't you go out with them? Because you and Richie were so let down when your dad left, I just couldn't bring another guy into the house who could disappoint you again.
You're a saint, ma.
No, you are.
Not the BS kind, like mother Teresa.
You You are a real saint.
I didn't mind giving up dating.
You know why? Why? 'Cause I had you.
My number one boy.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
You hurt my feelings.
I know I'm not Brad Pitt or George Clooney or Matt Damon or Casey Affleck or James Caan's son Okay, please stop naming the cast of ocean's eleven.
Ocean's thirteen.
Look, I am sorry that I said that Tamra could do better than you.
You're a good guy.
What if I can't do better than Tamra? What? Of course you can, Morgan.
You're thoughtful and kind, and you're the best at lifting things of anybody at the office.
Yeah, that's really funny and cool.
Ah forget about Tamra.
There's many girls who would be lucky to have you, I swear.
Ow! Uh-uh! You're the old lady who stole my man? Stop it! I knew it! I see the way you look at his body! I look at all men like that! I'm kind of a pervert! I hate this, I hate when ladies fight over me.
I am not dating Morgan! Look at me! Look at him! And he's not even dating.
Danny's mom he's just doing it to prove a point.
Oh! A prove-a-point date, okay.
I went on one of those once with Yao Ming.
Morgan I made a mistake.
Will you take me back? No.
What? I'm sorry, tam, but someone told me that I'm a good guy.
And there's a lot of other ladies out there that I need to experience.
Danny's mom.
Maybe Dr.
Reed's got a hot mom.
I understand.
Do you? Mm-hmm.
I understand I have two new enemies.
Hey, move! Ah! Sir? Can we wrap this up? Mindy, Mindy! Annette just called, and she wants to go out again! Oh, Dr.
Ledreau, that's such great news! You know, I've been feeling kinda down recently.
Actually thinking of retiring.
No! Really? No! But now I feel so doggone young, I could work forever! Plus, Annette's got some body on her, huh? Bye, old girl.
End of an era.
Morgan! I'm working in here! Sorry.
I left half a Reuben sandwich in here.
No idea where it is.
P, I can't work in Phlebotomy anymore, because Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just move your desk in here.
Thank you.
Is there anyone else that would like to work from my office? Yup.
Even though your mother and I are not together anymore, I still love you.
And I want you to know nothing happened.
But she tried.
The twins are looking good tonight.
And if you got me that boob job I've been begging for, they'd always be this buoyant.
God, they look huge.
Danny, are you in there? I brought dot.
Hi Danny! We're having an erotic bath! You want me to bring you in some ziti? Mm, ziti's perfect bath food.
Yeah, ma, bring in the ziti.
At least she knocked.

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