The Mindy Project s03e18 Episode Script

Fertility Bites

Building a business from the ground up is difficult.
From filing permits to picking the right Georgia O'Keeffe poster for your waiting room, the process can be overwhelming, especially when you have to constantly supervise your hired help because they get so easily distracted.
No, no, no! Uh! Ah! - Oh, God.
- Ah! Oh, God.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Plus, ironically, burning the candle at both ends leaves almost no time for your personal flames.
Here you go, babe.
Thank you, sweetheart.
I've also learned that even when you seek friendly advice from business pros, they can feel threatened by your talent.
Kris Jenner, hi! My name is Mindy Lahiri.
I started the Lahiri fertility clinic.
Again? How did she get in here? Please, please.
Your womb is a national treasure! If you could just tweet about my clinic But at the end of the day, there is nothing more satisfying than seeing the results of all of your hard work.
Okay, get to it, babe.
Are you guys ready? Hell yeah.
I've been ready since I woke up here.
The Lahiri Fertility Clinic has purchased some primo advertising space in a very cool spot for movers and shakers.
Ta-da! Okay.
Sir? Sir, I'm obviously trying to unveil something.
Could you please move? Thank you, thank you.
Ta-da! "We got you, girl!" I cancelled cardio ballet for this? Doesn't that just make you want to come get impregnated by me? Is that even you, Dr.
L? The eyes on that woman are hella blue.
Tamra, I have told you a million times, my eyes photograph blue.
She has blue eyes, Tamra.
You look like a werewolf.
I once knew a werewolf.
Can I fix it with a Sharpie? Can I get one for my bedroom? I am so professionally excited this morning.
I have to doff my cap to Dr.
Adrian Bergdahl, who has done more procedures this week than all the other doctors combined.
It is amazing what you can accomplish when you don't spend an hour planning your two-hour lunch break.
I think it's really cool that Dr.
Bergdahl is able to do his one job while also not being pregnant.
Meanwhile, in addition to my responsibilities here, I have started my own business, the Lahiri Fertility center.
Yes, we know.
You made us all buy merch.
I just want to say, I love the color.
This is the longest I've ever gone without being hit by a car.
The setup over there is sick.
My patients are like, "Are we at a spa?" I mean, they will say that once I get my first patient.
I think we should send all our referrals her way.
Well, that sounds like favoritism, but there is a kernel of truth in it, and I would like to take this opportunity Oh.
To invite all of you to our grand opening gala.
There is a dress code.
It's risqué red carpet.
Have fun with it.
But take it seriously, okay? You come looking like crap, you're gonna leave looking like crap, 'cause I'm not gonna let you in.
Excuse me, everyone, I have an interruption.
Morgan, Beverly, and I are doing a walk-a-thon to raise money for a problem that affects us all nurse obesity.
What? You're all skinny as hell! Yeah, due to poverty.
We're looking to raise $250,000, so it'd be great if I could put each of the doctors down for $50,000 to start.
$50,000? Hey.
Bergdahl, I feel like you're not giving us your undivided attention here.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
It's just that I don't care about this at all.
Hey, hey, hold up, let me just tell you how this office works.
An office is a family.
No, a family is a family, and between my beautiful wife and my kids, who look more like me, my plate is full with my own business.
Okay, fine, we get it.
You're rich, and you own a plate.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
No, my bagels! - Hey! - Those are my bagels! Those bagels are Morgan's weekend food! - Hello? - Let him have 'em.
I'll starve to death, and my death will thaw his icy heart.
Did you see it? He took the bagels.
Yes, Dr.
Bergdahl is gruff, and he is rude, but you know who else is? Chris Christie, and he's our vice president.
Well, I can't handle being treated like dirt.
That's why I quit my dream job doing customer service at the cable company.
If I can tolerate dress sneakers at the Met, you can tolerate a prickly doctor, who happens to be our best worker.
The guy stinks, and that's coming from a man who sleeps with a dozen wet dogs every night.
Okay, Danny, Jeremy, they're not completely wrong, and we cannot have our entire support staff up and quit.
That's how we ended up with these guys.
- What? - Hey, I'm slammed.
Can one of you nurses make me a sandwich? Nothing fancy, just ham, mustard, avocado.
Anybody else want anything? Nurses are making sandwiches.
Do I like I work at Au Bon Pain? Fine, I'll talk to him.
Will you quit snoozing? Hey, hey, hey.
Hey! We have our first patient.
Oh, God.
How do I look? Do I have drool? Relax, you've never looked more beautiful.
How do I look? Nobody cares! Just send her in.
This way.
Please have a seat.
Thank you.
So are you accompanyg your daughter to her appointment? No, I don't have a daughter.
That's where you come in, sweetheart.
Morgan, we've been pranked again! - Prankster? - Yeah.
Think it's funny to prank us, huh? Wait, I don't understand this.
Yeah, I bet you don't understand.
- Get outta here.
- Get your ass up, come on.
You're done for the day.
I've never been so insulted.
You are in big trouble, and I love older women.
It's nice to see you, Dr.
I'm really glad to hear you're moving forward with your fertility treatment.
Why don't you have a seat inside, and we'll get started? Now, of course there's a variety of top-notch specialists here in Manhattan.
Excuse me a second.
Top-notch specialists right here in Manhattan.
Where were we? Psst, pamphlet.
Ahem, pamphlet.
I left a pamphlet.
Get away from the door! Are you okay? There's a cold going around the office here.
Mindy Lahiri, for instance, opened up a fertility practice right here on this floor, and she just finished a fellowship at Stanford.
Has she helped a lot of your patients get pregnant? Sh uh, she's a very experienced OB/GYN.
So she has helped patients get pregnant? She has helped them be pregnant.
What what does that mean? No, she hasn't had any fertility patients of her own.
Well, thank you so much.
Thank you.
So when does she want to make an appointment? I'm supposed to see a psychic about my missing shoe, but I think I can move that around.
Babe, I told her all about you You're the best.
And she wanted me to recommend a more established practice.
And she went with them.
What? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, stop, stop, okay, look.
What was I supposed to say to the woman when she asked me how many patients you got pregnant? Do you want me to lie? I lie for you all the time! Remember when I told that cop in the park that we were just two male friends wrestling? That's different.
I mean, this whole thing.
This is professional.
Look, I believe in you, but you're just getting started.
Would you get your hair cut by Vito's trainee, Little Vito? No, you go to Vito.
Are you comparing my practice to Little Vito, the barber trainee? This is my dream, and you're supposed to be helping me.
Look, I'll make you a salad tonight, right? Kale, grilled chicken, a little asparagus.
You love my corn on the cob, right? A salad? I thought you were gonna buy me some jewelry.
I actually don't have time, because I have to go work on my practice, because I'm not getting any help at all.
Babe, come on.
Little Vito's gonna be a great barber someday.
Adrian, have you seen the Whew.
Oh, that's bad.
Oh, wow, would you look at this? I got an extra deodorant in my two-for-one deal.
It's from the Al Pacino fragrance line, "Scent of a Man.
" Nah, I'm good, man.
I couldn't even handle it when my wife put potpourri in the bathroom, but luckily, the stupid cat ate it, and that solved two problems at once.
- Yeah.
- Hi, Adrian.
I wanted to talk to you.
The support staff have been complaining about you.
Really? They complained to you? Maybe the best thing would be to take them out for a chat.
Yeah, take 'em out for coffee or deodorant.
I am so, so sorry you had to get involved.
I'm on it.
- All right, pal.
- Okay, take care.
Have a great day.
I haven't called my lawyer yet, but put a sub sandwich in the fridge and you label it Hey, you got a problem with me, you bring it to me.
I did not become an OB/GYN just to deal with a bunch of whiny babies! Don't be coming in here yelling at us.
You don't even talk to us.
Yeah, do you even know what my job is? I mean, I definitely know it.
I just want to hear someone else say it.
B, we're willing to overlook this incident, if you are willing to make a sizable donation to our fund-raiser.
Yeah, I'll donate to your fund-raiser.
From the cold depths of an icy hell! I don't know how much we've raised now.
Okay, calm down.
- You need to fire Dr.
- Yeah.
Either he goes or we go.
Fine, I'll talk to him.
In fairness, he does seem genuinely disturbed.
I don't feel safe.
Oh, this stinks, Morgan.
No, they smell like feet.
It's fine.
What is to become of me? My modeling days are over.
You got nice feet.
You could pose these on some decent foot fetish websites.
Thank you, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You're welcome.
If only I knew but one couple that was having fertility problems.
Ugh, why are all my friends glamorous and 21 years old? Oh, my God! I know just the person! Okay, I'm pregnant.
I know, so you got to be careful, girl.
I okay.
I actually know someone who could really use your help.
He and his girlfriend have been having a very hard time getting pregnant.
What? That's so great! And the best part is, you already know 'em.
My sperms are bad.
I'm sorry to hear that, Cousin Lou.
It took a lot of courage for me to come in here today.
Usually that's something that I say, but I think it's because he always refuses to wear the apron at the dentist.
My reasoning is that aprons are for girls, and it's ironic that, in trying not to be a girl, I became less of a man.
I'm not an orthodontist, but I wouldn't be too hard on yourself.
I have a tendency to do that.
I'm going to do whatever I can to help you.
I can't believe I'm gonna be a first cousin once removed.
Now, before I hand over the Tookers family jewels to pay for my new testicles, I need to know, you have done this before, yes? This? Lou, I'm offended you even asked.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just doing my dude diligence, and Sandra is doing her chick diligence.
Now, may we ask, how have your patients fared in the past? My patients will have done very well.
Wait a second, did you just use the future pluperfect? I was a substitute English teacher.
Yes, technically I have not had a patient yet.
Okay, Sandra, we're just gonna have to figure out another way to get a baby.
Oh there's that drunk nanny down at the park that always falls asleep.
I mean, look, if Mindy can't get someone pregnant Wait, wait, wait! Stop, stop, stop! Um, what if I told you that I got myself pregnant? Yeah.
Danny and I are expecting.
Wait, you were having problems with fertility just like us? Yeah, just like you, and now we're doing great.
Well, if you could get yourself pregnant, then that's good enough for us.
We're in! Really? I mean, great, my first patient.
To think, Dr.
Castellano's shooting blanks just like me! - Yep.
- His sperm's no good either! Have to pay for this in installments, but if it's good enough for the Puerto Rican guy at the couch store, it's good enough for you, I assume.
- Okay, yup, time to go.
- Thank you.
Our first patient! - Hey.
Ce here, come here.
- Wow, first - Ow! My ear! My ear! - Over here, over here.
Come on, how could you tell Cousin Lou that Dr.
C has issues with infertility? When I signed on to be a partner at this practice Okay, you are not a partner.
You are a handyman, and you're not even good at that.
Oh, my God! - Oh, ho, ho, ho! Oh! Ah! - Stop, stop, get off of me.
For the last time, you cannot jump into my arms when you're surprised.
Okay, look, I can't be party to any kind of deception around here.
Okay, yes, I let a white lie go a little too far.
- Yeah.
- But Danny never needs to know.
Okay, you have to come clean and be mature, because - Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! - Ah! I'm so glad we're getting rid of Dr.
That guy better not ask me to write him a recommendation.
I mean, I will, but Wait a minute, what the hell is that? It's Dr.
Oh, my God, is he dead? All his clothes are hanging in the backseat, he's grumpy all the time, and he smells bad.
Dude is living out of his car.
That's why he's hoarding the bagels he's broke.
And thanks to us, Dr.
Reed's gonna fire him.
Gosh, I've never felt this guilty before, and I'm the one who told de Blasio not to care what the po-po thinks.
We need - Ohh.
- Really? Can you believe the turnout at this party? Oh, yeah.
There's more people here than were at my trial.
I placed an ad for the clinic on Goop.
Oh, my God, that's a great idea.
It cost 10 grand, would've paid 20.
What? Relax, don't worry, we'll expense it.
I pay for the expenses.
You and I are the only people who work here.
You gotta take this up with business affairs.
I'm business affairs.
I'm gonna go get you some lobster.
Chill out.
You got lobster? Okay.
Hey, Dan.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, look, man, I always knew that we were close friends, but I always used to think that all we had in common were good looks and brain smarts.
You're Lou, right? Yeah.
Hey, look, man, we can do anything that regular guys can do.
Yeah, I never thought I couldn't.
Hey, that's the spirit, chief.
Hey, you know what? You and me are gonna grab a couple of motorcycles, file off the serial numbers, head down to Baja, see what kind of trouble we can get into.
Couple of masculine guys like us, right? Uh, maybe you should leave that sort of thing for Morgan.
No, no, no, he wouldn't understand our situation.
You and I, we're cousins now.
Cousin Dan.
Hey, Cousin Dan.
This is so exciting.
When I heard your story, I had to come see for myself.
A pregnant Indian-American woman starting her own business.
I'm hoping that they do a documentary series about me.
I mean, it's so brave that your boyfriend is so public about his problem.
Most men would be mortified.
Go, go, go, go.
- Hey.
- Hey, there you are.
When we told you to fire Dr.
Bergdahl, you weren't dumb enough to listen to us, were you? Yeah, you cannot fire Dr.
You insisted that I fire him, so I f I fired him.
- Oh! Damn it! - Oh.
You really stepped in it now.
Do you know the guy is living in his car? Yeah, just goes to show you, hot guys have problems too.
What are you talking about? He's living in squalor.
He's a total Beverly.
I didn't want to get rid of him in the first place, but if you want to hire him back, please, go hire him back.
- Yes! - Yes! Go.
Can we hire anyone or just him? Just him! Just him.
Everybody, excuse me, I'm sorry sorry to interrupt the night.
Just gather around just a minute, grab a glass.
It's a really, really important night, and I just want to say a few words about an honest, hardworking woman.
Sorry, excuse me.
You don't need to do this.
In fact, I think we should go.
This party's lame as hell.
Hey, babe, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
I want to take this opportunity to congratulate the mother of my child, Mindy Lahiri.
How she pulled this off all on her own, I can't even conceive.
Oh, no.
That was then.
You can now.
She didn't need me.
This all started with this guy in San Francisco.
Actually, he was a friend of mine.
Oh, God.
Very cool.
She came back, boom, the seed was planted.
Okay, that's good.
Thank you very much, honey.
Those were such great words.
Why don't you go wait in the elevator and grab our coats? Okay, well, I'm not actually done talking.
I just want to say a few more things.
I'm honored to sit on the sidelines.
I'll sit on the sidelines as she grows and grows, and I watch her, and she's growing.
You're a good man.
I would like to make a toast.
Just pop this out here.
Watch out, guys, this thing's gonna pop.
You gotta be kidding me.
That's funny, I just popped a cork, and nothing came out.
Don't worry, happens to the best of us.
To Mindy Lahiri.
- Salud.
- Mindy.
You want me to say anything else? You good? No, no, that's great.
Yeah, thank you.
- Okay, all right.
I'm gonna - Go to the corner.
- Don't talk to anybody.
- Okay, yeah.
I want to encourage everyone here to, you know, keep to themselves and maybe not talk about things like who impregnated who or who is infertile and who isn't.
Mindy said I what? Oh, God.
Everything works fine better than fine, okay? I got her pregnant all by myself.
You know what, it was a total accident.
Honey! Everything I know about your reproductive health is a lie! Okay, that's a little dramatic, Lou.
I took a drama class at the Y.
Does everybody here want to hear the story of how it happened with me and Mindy? I'll tell you how it happened.
It was a beautifully romantic night.
He made me a gorgeous candlelit dinner, and then, holding my hand, he took my virginity.
That's how I became pregnant with this little guy.
No, it was New Year's Eve, Times Square.
Mindy and I are there, and I'm feeling good 'cause I just estimated my tax returns.
She's got the 2015 glasses on, and she looks hot.
The next thing you know, we're knocking boots under the Lion King billboard.
I guess we were a little Hakuna Matata about protection.
I should have been more Matata! I'm gonna get a slice.
You know what? You're a real scumbag, and that's coming from me.
Let's get out of here.
Well Oh, no, no, no, no.
We're too late! That's how Grandma looked when she swallowed her tongue! We gotta save him! Ah! What the hell? Oh, my God.
I didn't do it.
I didn't do it.
What you got the What are you doing? You get me fired, you break my window, and then you wake me up from a good dream? I got hit by a city snowplow, and I was living off the settlement money, man.
It was like a dream come true.
Look, Dr.
Bergdahl, we're not here to antagonize you.
We actually got you rehired.
Also, we've decided to be our most Oprah selves, and we're gonna give you all of our fund-raiser money.
What? Come on.
You're actually gonna give me $250,000? No way.
It's $187, but the gesture is just as generous.
Also, all the money's pledged, so if you really want it, you probably have to call and follow up Oh, it's very nice of you, but I can't accept.
Hey, why don't you stay at Dr.
L's? She has an apartment she doesn't even use.
Hey, can I ask you a random question? Why would a successful doctor need to sleep in a car? I'm kind of on the outs with my wife, Alice.
It's why I'm not staying at my place, and yes, I could probably go get a place of my own, but I feel like that would kind of be admitting that my marital problems are more than just temporary, so That's it, that's all my dirt, you got it all, so I hope you're happy.
My turn.
Pretty sure my grandmother's my mom.
No, I don't need to hear this, really.
But I do want to apologize to you, Tanya, and you too, Mervin, and especially you, Madison.
Well, it's about time you learned our names.
Adrian's coming.
Hey, Mindy, I've been thinking, and I've decided I'm gonna give all my patients the hard sell to go to your fertility practice.
Really? Is it because, in your short time here I've become a kind of mentor to you? What? No.
It's because you have an apartment you never use.
So you let me crash there, I give you patients.
Ooh, horse trading.
We're like two fat-cat politicians smoking cigars in a political cartoon.
You know, I do have a sash that says "Wall Street.
" Yeah.
Do we have a deal? Yeah.
We have a deal.
You can stay at my apartment as long as you want.
And you can use whatever you like.
You know, my TV, my shower, my stereo, my shower.
I get it, I get it.
There's a spy cam in the shower.
Don't worry, I'll put on a show.
Hey, made your favorite dessert, cut-up apple.
I don't like apples anymore.
My friends all know that.
That's obviously not true.
I saw you eating an apple earlier today.
Look, I'm sorry.
How could you spread lies about my guy? My guy's the best.
Sweetheart, I am really, really sorry.
To think that I spoke ill of an organ that has brought so much happiness to me and other women Too many women.
Oh, God, why did I go down this path? You know it's just, this new practice makes me nervous.
I mean, we're both always really busy, but I could always see you at work, and now I can't count on that anymore.
Well, if you want to see more of me, I have some good news.
What? I think I'm ready to move in.
You are? That's fantastic.
That's fantastic.
Do you really want to move in, or is this just an excuse not to clean your place? Uh, it's a little bit of both.
- Okay.
- But I found a perfect tenant.
He stinks real bad, and he doesn't pay rent.
- Bergdahl.
- Mm-hmm.
Now, what do you think about us having a housewarming party even though I'm just moving into my boyfriend's apartment? Absolutely not.
We have to rethink the decor in here.
I was thinking Arabian Nights.
No, no, too political.
Okay, Moulin Rouge.
Romeo and Juliet? - Nope.
- Great Gatsby? Okay, enough with Baz Luhrmann.

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