The Mindy Project s03e20 Episode Script

What to Expect When You're Expanding

Hey, babe, what do you want in your panini? Mm, preferably another panini if possible.
I don't know if your press can handle that.
Can my press not handle it? Of course my press can handle it.
This is a restaurant model.
I should not have gotten you that press for Christmas.
- My God.
- What's that big fancy letter? It's from Texas.
- Oh, you know what I bet it is? - Hmm? A thank-you note from George W.
Bush for buying one of his paintings.
Oh, yeah? "To my closest bros and hos, "you are cordially invited to the most epic "Wedding of the century "Mine.
That's right, amigos.
"Your bwaby bwoy did it.
"I finally wore Lauren down, and she's gonna be "My wife.
"When? Saturday, March 28th.
"6:00 p.
until blackout o'clock.
"Where? Lauren's family's ranch.
"Turns out she's loaded.
"Her family's cattle farm is inhumane but profitable.
"Score! We are registered at my weed dealer's website.
" No, we are not.
"JK, JK, JK, JK.
" Much better.
"Please sext your RSVP.
" - What? - Okay.
We're going, right? Unbelievable.
Damn it, Danny.
Ugh, none of my clothes fit anymore.
This is the fattest I've ever been.
And that's coming from a girl who, in middle school, had a chocolate fountain in her bedroom.
Babe, come on.
You're pregnant.
You got a great glow.
Do not start with the pregnant lady glow.
That's all made up, you know.
And do not call me radiant.
If one more person calls me frickin' radiant, I'm gonna kill someone.
- Okay.
- Okay? This isn't a glow.
This is sweat from exertion from trying to pull these jeans around my fat ass.
You know what, I know what would make you feel sexy.
Yeah? We haven't taken the D-train to Seduction Junction in a while Oh, no.
Danny, I'm not in the mood.
You're not in the mood? You're always in the mood, no matter what.
I mean, after we watched Schindler's List, you were, like, really in the mood.
How 'bout this? That's a sleeping bag.
You were with me when I bought that at Target.
It's hot.
No? Yeah.
Oh, God.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
A tracksuit? That's my look.
What, are you trying to Single White Female me? No, this tracksuit is the only thing that fits me in my current state.
I think it's unprofessional.
I hear you, sister, 'cause I don't know if you guys have noticed, but I've put on a little bit of weight since I started dating my girlfriend, Jessica.
You know, it's so funny.
When you have a girlfriend, all you want to do is watch a chick flick, and then your girlfriend comes home and goes, "Morgan, you fat son of a bitch, get up" All right, we get it, Morgan.
I didn't call this meeting so everyone can rub their girlfriends in my face.
I called it because we need a new staff photo.
- Oh, yeah.
- What? What's wrong with that photo? I look so skinny in it.
Half these people don't even work here anymore.
I, for one, am sick of staring at the insufferable smug faces of our ex-colleagues.
Is this 'cause Dr.
P is marrying your girlfriend? No, that's ridiculous.
Also, I'm not in the photo.
That's probably for the best.
Well, anyway, prepare your best American smiles.
- Harry.
- Wait, what? - Harry.
- What's up, Harry? - What's up, man? - What the hell, man? Get that thing away from me.
I can't be photographed like this.
- Whoa.
- I need to have therapy.
All right? I need to get my hair dyed.
I need to get a colonic.
I need to get tasteful cheek implants if there's time.
Min, pregnant women can't do that.
The kid will come out glow-in-the-dark.
Oh, wait, my skinny dress is at the cleaners.
Can we just wait so I can go pick that up? It makes me look hot no matter what.
Fine, we'll do it tomorrow.
Harry, I'm so sorry.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, woman.
Thank you so much for moving me back East to help out with the new practice.
I'm just setting up my new reception desk.
You don't mind if I sell my rap demos there, right? Absolutely not.
Rishi, you cannot sell your single Ho, It Ain't Mine at my women's fertility clinic.
- Okay.
- Wait, wait.
Before you go.
Do I look gross? Oh, I don't know.
I mean, I knew you when you had a perm and overalls on, and that was nasty, so you look better than that? - Hello.
- Uh, hell, no.
L, I couldn't help but overhear.
If you're trying to look good, my cousin Sheena is an aspiring personal stylist.
I'm just gonna wait for my skinny dress to come back from the dry cleaners.
You should think about it.
Sheena made my next-door neighbor look hella sexy at her retirement party, and my next-door neighbor has to be weighed at the zoo.
Damn it, Tamra, I can still be weighed on a human scale.
Think about it.
- Good morning, chums.
- Hey.
How would the two of you care to accompany me to a singles pajama party that my friend is throwing tonight? - Ooh.
- Oh, tonight I can't.
Ray and I are putting in wiring in the brownstone that I'm renovating.
I would love to go to a singles mixer, but I don't know if you heard, I have a girlfriend right now.
You you're both coming.
Okay, how 'bout that? Yeah, you're helping me find a girlfriend.
I'm sick of it, guys.
I'm sick of being the office pushover who just turns up to everybody else's stuff and allows his colleagues to marry his girlfriend.
Well, that's it.
No more.
From now on, I'm aggressive, and I'm confident.
I'm an all-new Jeremy.
You can call me Jer.
Okay - Jer.
- Wonderful.
Then I'll see you both tonight at the singles pajama party.
All right, Jer-Bear.
- I mean Jer.
- Jer.
Oh, my sweet dress.
Hubba-hubba, foxy lady.
Oh, God.
I know you think you're a big, fat pregnant monster, Dr.
L, but pregnancy is weird for all women.
My mom actually lost weight when she was pregnant with me.
Cool origin story.
Hey, we need to start the beautification process.
On the way over here, someone called me "sir," and another person said, "Hey, big guy.
" Dang.
Where's your cousin? Somebody looking for Cousin Sheena? Oh, my God.
Where did you come from? In a sense, I've always been here.
- What? - She's messing with you.
She snuck in while you were in the bathroom.
So Tamra tells me you're pregnant.
You need to be careful.
Babies are shady.
They'll steal your youth and beauty and keep it for their own damn self.
Well, that ship has sailed, Cousin Sheena.
Where were you three months ago? On a cruise.
It's not just the photo.
I don't even want to have sex with my boyfriend.
How long has it been? Two weeks.
Tamra, get me my juice.
It's not just that.
I don't feel confident anymore.
You want to know what happened yesterday? My butt knocked over an aquarium.
Mindy, confidence comes from From within.
Yeah, I know.
Within? Who the hell told you that? Confidence comes from amazing outfits and perfect makeup.
Listen to her, Dr.
She's the expert.
She had to overcome a lot to be the beautiful woman she is today.
Oh, yeah, like what? Having too hot a face and body? Come on.
Well, well, well.
A lot of fit birds here.
Time for Jer to make his move.
This is dumb.
Adults shouldn't have to put on pajamas to meet each other.
They should just let their parents introduce them to their second cousin.
You know, someone who has the same values they do.
I lo Jessica? Oh, boy.
- Oh, that's Jessica.
- Um Oh, man.
- What? What? - No, no, no.
What do you mean, "No, no, no"? - It's not bad.
- No, you're right.
It's not bad.
Maybe it's, like, her, like, really hot brother, you know? Okay.
Hey, can you go over there and just kind of suss out the situation? Just give me just a good sussing? - No.
No, Morgan.
- Suss it for me.
I don't want to suss it.
I didn't even want to come here in the first place.
You hooked us up.
This is your responsibility.
You have to make sure that her and I are together forever until we are two skeletons holding hands in a couple's grave.
- Please.
- Okay, fine.
- Thank you.
- Fine, I'll go.
- Okay.
- Just be cool.
I'm gonna be here.
Hey, what's up, Jess? Oh, h-hey, Danny.
How you doing? Morgan isn't here, is he? Uh, Morgan? Yeah, I saw him I saw him around.
- Oh, cool.
- I think he's hanging out.
Everything all right with you guys? - Mm-hmm.
- Great.
No, to tell you the truth, I'm actually thinking of breaking up with him.
This is gonna sound awful, but he's really let himself go.
Really? I didn't even notice that.
Yeah, he's gained, like, 30 pounds.
He brings turkey legs to bed with him.
Jess, don't don't break up with him, okay? Because Because? Because Jeremy's gonna fire him tomorrow.
- What? - Yeah, he's firing him.
- Maybe I should wait.
- Yeah.
You know, sleep on it for a while.
Okay, now tell me what you see.
Two hot black girls and a fat load in a track suit.
That's cold.
Now, if the person in the mirror was your best friend, would you be as mean to her as you're being to yourself? No.
Well, I got news for you.
You are talking to your best friend.
Sheena, you're deep as hell.
I know.
I used to work in a bookstore, and I read a sentence out of every single one of them books.
Now, let's get to work.
Strike a pose.
Okay, that gets an A.
Really? A complete disaster.
Okay, well, I think you could've just said F then.
You know what? Let's just not do this anymore.
I'm just gonna look bad in the photo, and I'll never have sex again.
You look fine.
It's your attitude that's terrible.
Now, we all have insecurities we need to get over.
But you need to own it and be as confident and as beautiful as any other bitch in the room.
I can be as confident as any other bitch in the room.
Tamra, go down to my car and get me Veronica.
Veronica's a push-up bra.
Let me show you how it's done.
Now, don't try this.
That baby'll pop right out of you.
I'm owning it.
Owning it.
The strange thing is, in England, it just means "cigarette," but here, it's a hate term.
That's so cool and funny.
- Hey, lady, watch out.
- Excuse me.
I'm the next-door neighbor.
Oh, good.
You're in your pajamas.
Time for bed.
I've already called the cops.
This party is over now.
I'm shutting it down.
Was that garbage? You're garbage! Excuse me.
Is there any way we could just turn the music down? It's just I'm kind of I've come to meet somebody and Aw, did you make a friend? Tough luck, King's Speech.
I have to wake up at 3:00 a.
with the European markets, so unless any of you know how to stabilize the Norwegian kroner, then What if have you thought I said "kroner," not "cronut," okay? All of you have to go right now.
Closing time.
- Bye.
- Come on.
Sorry, Jer.
You know, I know a widow at my church.
Ooh, widow.
She doesn't speak any English, but menopause has really brought out her inner beauty.
No, Danny, I don't want your mustachioed widow.
How'd you know she had a mustache? How dare she throw us out? You know, Old Jeremy, he would have gone home and taken it out on his pottery wheel.
But Jer, he stands up for himself.
She's getting a strongly worded note.
Hey, babe.
Hey, sweetheart.
Why don't you come into the bedroom? I have a little surprise for you.
I'll give you a hint.
It's curvy, soft, brown, but it's not a chocolate Santa.
Ooh, la, la.
Daddy like-y.
Come here, bad boy.
Are you laughing at me? Danny, I am trying to be sexy for you, and you're laughing at me? I I no.
It's funny.
I mean, it's nice.
You are the worst.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm not.
I'm What are you doing? Do you need help there, sweetheart? I'm fine! - You okay? - No, I'm not okay.
- Don't follow me in here.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Mindy Don't change.
Come on.
Come on, I really like that thing.
It looks like slutty Spider-Man.
What? I don't need you to try to be sexy for me.
I like how you look.
I just want to have sex.
I am very pent up, and I'm saying crazy things.
I'm so happy, Danny, that you would have sex with anything, even me.
What? Babe, I know you're not feeling it right now, but eventually, you're gonna lose the weight, and you're gonna look great.
Will I? Since I was 15 years old, I've been saying I'll lose weight and feel great.
I don't know if it's gonna happen, Danny.
It never has before.
I mean, I guess there was that one time on spring break when I accidentally had that Cancun puddle water.
But that doesn't count.
It was diarrhea weight.
Mindy, I don't care what you look like.
To me, you're always beautiful.
And that outfit right now? You should put that back on.
That was really hot.
Danny, I care what I look like, and it doesn't help that I'm dating someone who's so much better-looking than me.
What? What are you talking about? That's not true.
It is true.
And now I'm pregnant, it's just gonna get worse.
- No.
- Yes.
And you're gonna get hotter and hotter like George Clooney.
I'm gonna get fatter and fatter like Rosemary Clooney.
Excuse me? Rosemary Clooney? She's very sexy, Mindy.
Did you ever listen to Mambo Italiano? That is a hot song, babe.
You want me to put it on? Ugh, I just want to sleep.
Maybe in my dream I'll be skinny.
Okay, fine.
L, what's up? Why are you back in the tracksuit? Look, I appreciate what you and Sheena were trying to do for me, but it's hopeless.
When Danny saw me last night, he laughed.
When you presented yourself for sex? No, it is never okay for a man to laugh at a woman.
I don't care if he's at a Mo'Nique show, he better politely smile and nod.
I had a back wedgie and a front wedgie.
Uh-uh, this is sexist, it's Everybody, chop, chop.
Come on.
The photographer's here.
I'm going to opt out of the photo.
Mindy, you're coming, okay? Put down the pie, and let's go.
What are we waiting for? I got something bleached for this.
I'll be in the picture, Dr.
Reed, but not if this man is.
Why are you mad at me? For the last time, I didn't call you "sister.
" I said you look like Sister Joyce from church.
Everybody's gonna be in this photo whether they like it or not.
Who are we waiting for? I got something bleached for this.
You already said that.
Well, I guess I'm not in the staff photo.
What now? Dr.
C told Jessica that you were gonna fire me, and then she dumped me.
If I didn't fire you for kissing that baby before it was fully out, I'm not gonna fire you now.
- Thank you.
- Why did she break up with you? She wasn't supposed to do that.
What the hell are you talking about? Look, I told Jessica that Jeremy was gonna fire you because she was gonna dump you.
I was just trying to buy you some time.
Why would she dump me? Was she intimidated by my "intelli-gince"? Who knows? Maybe.
Danny's lying.
His lips are poutier than normal when he lies.
What? Can I talk to you alone in my office? - No, you cannot.
- Fine.
Jessica said she was gonna break up with you because you were gaining weight.
What the hell are you talking about, dude? Well, you you have been getting a little heavy, right? What? - What? - Oh, no.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- No.
No, sir.
You have some nerve fat-shaming Morgan for being fat.
I'm just the messenger.
Why is everybody yelling at me right now? You know what, I knew this was gonna happen, because Jessica is a hot doctor, and I'm just some fat slob who lost his life savings to a teenage grifter who said he could cast spells.
Never play above the rim is what I've learned today.
It's an important lesson.
Thank you for that.
Morgan, no.
Don't feel that way.
We cannot let the Dannys and the Jessicas of the world make us feel less than just because we don't have thigh gaps.
I actually do have one of those.
That's obviously not true.
We're out of here.
Mindy? Mindy.
I guess the photo's not happening.
I'm sorry, guys.
I wasn't fat-shaming anyone.
Reed, can I ask you a question? I need to take this year off.
No more questions today, Beverly.
Well, I have a question.
Who the hell do you think you are? Got your little note.
"You have the manners of a Blackpool dockjob"? What the hell does that even mean? It's like a Tynemouth stevedore only ruder.
I'm nothing like a stevedore.
Good shot.
You're gonna apologize to me right now.
I will not.
If you'd look to the bottom of the note, you would see that it says, "Good day.
" Good day.
Don't let him talk to you like that, Dr.
- Excuse me.
- Mm.
You can't talk to me like that.
I am the highest female earner on Wall Street non-Jewish.
Excuse me, I have a delivery.
That's too bad, because I have more yelling to do.
Well, you're not wasting any more of my work day.
You can meet me for dinner tonight.
- Fine.
- I'll pick you up at 8:00.
No, I will pick you up at 8:00.
By God, Jer, you've done it.
Oh, boy.
How dare you laugh at your? You should be worshipping the ground her swollen feet stomp on.
Cool it, T.
That's your boss.
Yeah, I'm your boss.
- But he's not mine.
- Oh.
Mine is Mr.
Reyes at the limo company.
I don't know him.
You better make things right with Mindy, or I will devastate your self-confidence.
She ain't playing, Dr.
Sheena tears people down just as good as she builds them up.
She made Chris Christie cry at a parade.
I tell Mindy she's beautiful all the time, but she doesn't believe me.
A real man makes her believe it.
She's building a whole baby in there.
Making her feel pretty is your only damn job.
Okay, well, how how do I do it? Tonight, I want you to look her in her eyes and tell her the most beautiful thing about her.
Like this.
- Danny.
- Yeah? You're a beautiful man.
Thank you so much.
But the most beautiful thing about you is your heart.
Oh, God.
That's good.
That's real good.
I'm done.
Bye, Felicia.
Oh, no, don't give me the "bye, Felicia.
" Okay, Jessica.
Jessica, we need to talk.
- Oh.
Hey, you know what? - Whoa.
I thought you got your hoarding under control.
What? What are you talking about? This is just stuff that I really need.
Hey, why are you guys wearing matching tracksuits? What? No, we're not.
Do you like it? I thought it could be fun.
Are you kidding? We came here to make an impressio Okay, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
You cannot just break up with someone because he got fat.
Hey, fat-boned.
Hey, Mindy, are you okay? You don't look so good.
Oh, no, you did not.
Now you made her mad.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey! Not my coaxial cables.
There's more where that came from, sister.
Oh, what, so because I'm a hoarder, I have to put up with someone who let's be honest has become a little bit of a tub? - Oh! - Oh, you did not! Oh, God.
You know what else? - Ooh! - No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not my old candy wrappers.
You cherish these? - Oh.
- Say good-bye! Okay, we'll get back together.
Okay, okay.
We'll get back together.
Whatever it takes.
Please, Mindy, just stop.
So now you want to get back together, huh? - Guess what.
You can't.
- No, no, no, no, no.
'Cause he doesn't want you back.
No, I do.
We can.
We're back in love.
It's all fine.
This was a wash.
No, you're not.
You know what, Jessica? Morgan might not be perfect, and he might never be perfect, but he's a good guy.
He's a caring guy.
He's healthy, and Well, I not really healthy.
I have this wound on my gut that won't close up.
The point is, he's beautiful, and he's strong, even if he himself can't see it right now.
How can I say this about Morgan, who's basically a lowly dirt man, but I can't say it about myself? Sheena was right.
I'm sorry, am I beautiful, or am I a dirt man? - Why am I getting so mad at Danny? - Which one is it? How are you not answering Danny would never try to judge me or break up with me.
He just told me he loved me no matter what.
You know what, you guys? Just go.
Hasta la vista.
Hey, babe.
I left a little early, made some dinner for us.
God, you're so nice.
Hey, I want to apologize to you for acting so crazy.
It was wrong of me to be angry with you.
I realized the only person that can make you feel better about yourself is yourself.
Or, like, a gay hairdresser named LaChiquito, but, I mean, how would I even find that guy? No, a real man makes his woman feel beautiful.
Ooh, I like how urban you're being right now.
And the thing that's most beautiful about you is your confidence.
- Really? - Yeah.
'Cause everyone I've ever met says it's the most annoying thing about me.
For me, I mean I don't know.
Maybe I'm crazy, but it really turns me on.
Well, I'm not gonna say that I'm prettier than Gisele, but there is a quality in my face that I think is kind of more appealing.
There it is.
I like that.
And I'm really smart at the news.
Yeah, you are.
I can tell you all about Iraq and Iranistan.
- Just no one asks me - Shut up, shut up.
Because they think I'm too cute.
Shut up.
Kiss me.
Harry, is it okay if Mindy and I, we just we hang out over here for the picture? Sure.
And I thought it would be kind of cool if he held my breasts like Janet Jackson.
Harry, I'm just gonna kind of linger in the back, okay? I'm a little self-conscious about my body.
I think you look good.
Fat guys are sexy.
They keep you warm in the wintertime and make big cannonball splashes in the summer.
Harry, Harry, Harry, I'm so sorry.
- Wait.
Do excuse me.
- Oh, whoa.
Ooh, doing that walk of shame.
Okay, yes, Tamra.
And Jer has never been happier.
Harry, take the photo.
Oh, I had my eyes closed.
Try it again?
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