The Mindy Project s04e01 Episode Script

While I Was Sleeping

Previously on "The Mindy Project" You know you're right for someone when they force you to be the best version of yourself.
I love you.
I think I'm ready to move in.
This one is positive.
I am really pregnant.
We're a family.
I have started my own business, the Lahiri Fertility Center.
It's not weird to want your boyfriend to get down on one knee and to meet your parents and to get you a ring.
I've done it.
I've been married, and it didn't go so well.
It means it just Marriage means nothing.
It means something to me.
[phone rings.]
Yes? You don't come to the wedding, and then Dr.
Castellano doesn't come Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Danny's not at the wedding? [pop music.]
For the things that I believe [knock at door.]
I'm Danny Castellano, and I'm in love with your daughter.
I'm the father of her baby, and I need you to know that I will love them and take care of them until the day I die.
But I don't believe in marriage, due to some personal experiences I've had, which I won't get into now.
My father ran out on us and my wife cheated on me.
Father Mike says it's because I didn't pray enough as a kid, and I was too busy applying the handbrake, if that translates.
So, if we're good, Mr.
Lahiri, I'm gonna head back to New York.
I don't think India really agrees with me.
I am servant.
No English.
- What? - Is there a problem? I'm Tarun Lahiri.
There's no problem.
I, um I'm Mindy's coworker.
And I'm here just sightseeing.
You know, Taj Mahal, Temple of Doom, greatest hits.
Are you Morgan? At last we meet! Uh No, no, sir.
Share this mango with me.
No, I'm I'm not Morgan.
I'm Dr.
Danny Castellano.
Morgan has never once forgotten my birthday.
Last year he sent me a poster of the Rat Pack.
Where are you staying, Dr.
Castellano? I'm, uh, st just, uh, just staying, you know, just walking the street, just walking around.
You will come and stay with us.
Oh, no, Mr.
Lahiri, I couldn't Is our home beneath you? Absolutely not.
Come in.
Leave your bag.
[speaking native language.]
Morgan, if Danny isn't at Peter's wedding, then where is he? Oh, God! Hold on.
Hold on! [Velcro tearing.]
Just relax, okay? Don't jump to conclusions.
Yeah, you're right, you're right.
What's the worst thing that could happen? Dr.
C met another woman and fell in love with her, and he's with her now.
Oh, God! [phone beeps and clatters.]
[phone chimes.]
Why would Danny run away? Just because I wanted to get married? I mean, I'm pregnant with his child.
And for what? This stupid apartment that looks like it was decorated by Teddy Roosevelt? And don't get me started on this ugly piano.
It takes up so much space.
Meanwhile my beloved South Park pinball machine rots in storage.
[discordant notes.]
My life would be so much better if I'd just fallen in love with someone else.
[thunder rumbling.]
[anticipatory music.]
Where am I? Oh, no, did I break into Mariah Carey's penthouse and fall asleep again? - Aah! Aah! - Aah! Aah! - What? What? - Oh, my God, oh, my God! Are you a hot home invader? Please don't kill me.
Babe, it's it's me.
It's Matt.
Your husband.
Ex-squeeze me? [hip hop music.]
Uh, I think there has been a misunderstanding.
You're not my husband, because I am not Oh, my God.
This ring is huge.
Yeah, you said if I didn't get you a big enough ring, I could get used to S'ing my own D for the rest of my L.
- That does sound like me.
- Yes, it does.
Morning, babe.
- Hungry? - Yes, always.
Last night I wished I had never gotten together with Danny, and this morning, my wish came true.
It's like "13 Going on 30," except I'm still the same age.
Is that Gramercy Park? I live on Gramercy Park? That's Jon Stewart eating a hot dog! And we are married and he's not wearing a yarmulke? Then how are we so rich? And what's with this guy? Smoking hot, lives in a soap opera set, and he wanted to marry my fat ass? What, am I blackmailing him? Okay, Detective Mindy, just need to focus, be cool, and ask him normal questions.
Hey, honey, can I see your birth certificate? - What? - Never mind.
Do you know what I thought would be kind of a fun game? You and I playing Truth or Dare.
- Okay.
- Right? I'll pick dare.
God damn it.
I dare you to tell me the truth about how we first met.
That's kind of a weird dare.
No, it's good.
It's good.
But okay, so the first time I ever saw you was on that flight from L.
, right? It's, like, two years ago or something, and I came out of the lavatory and there you were.
Judging by your build and your denim jacket, I just assumed you were an old Native American man.
Excuse me, sir.
"Sir"? I'm obviously a beautiful woman, dude.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Can we just start over? I'm Matt Sherman.
Matt Sherman.
Why does that sound so familiar? Oh, were you on the jury for my public urination trial? Thanks for nothing, by the way.
No, sadly that that wasn't me.
But you might recognize my name from the credits.
I'm a producer, actually, on "The Real Housewives" on Bravo.
[bottles clattering.]
"Real Housewives"? That's my favorite franchise of shows.
- Really? Thanks.
- Yeah.
That's incredible.
Do you know Andy Cohen? [laughs.]
Do I know Andy Cohen? Yeah, yeah, that guy's, like, my best friend.
I tell him all my girl problems.
Do you have a lot of girl problems? I'm about to.
[bottles clattering.]
Then we had sex in the bathroom, and we've been together ever since.
That's the most romantic story I've ever heard in my life.
So, Dr.
Lahiri, are you happy to be back in India? No, I miss Boston.
The Red Sox, Freedom Trail, Dunkin' Donut" free small coffee for seniors.
Yeah, Boston, great town.
Love it.
I just wish my daughter had stayed there.
How is Mindy doing? Her mother and I have been concerned.
Any idea who the father might be? Actually, I'm glad you asked Because if I ever saw the man who left my daughter in a vulnerable situation, I would break all his bones.
Yes! He deserves a stern talking to that ends in forgiveness.
Strangers in the night Hello.
I'm Sonu Lahiri.
Exchanging glances Sonu, please.
This is Mindy's coworker, Danny.
Wonderful to meet you, Danny.
- Mrs.
- So how was your flight from Start spreading the news Sonu, my tinnitus.
How was your audition? I decided the part was too small, and I didn't get it.
What a relief.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.
It's so hard being the new kid on the block.
Everyone knew me from the Massachusetts regional theater scene.
I played every part from gypsy to fortune teller.
And here, here I can't even get a callback for "old woman who can't believe that yogurt is fat-free.
" Well, show business is all about who you know, right? Finally, someone who gets it.
You know what, Tarun? Maybe Danny can help us with our special project.
You want me to build something for you? A spice rack? I'm sure you go through a lot of those out here.
No, you can help us select a suitable boy for our daughter.
We are arranging a marriage for Mindy.
You're what? Hmm.
Even though I'm rich, I'm still slumming it with these nobodies.
How noble.
So in this reality, I have the same job, the same giant cans, but if I'm married to Matt, what's going on with Get out of my office.
That's pretty rude.
I need to talk to you.
And it's important.
Something incredibly strange is happening to me and Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Go back on that side of the desk, okay? This is a very intimate space.
Duh, I spend half my life kneeling on this floor.
- What? - Fine, fine.
I'll go sit over there.
Hey How would you describe our relationship? Bad.
Yeah, frosty, hostile, not good.
- Did I say "bad"? - Why? Because I have to work with you and I don't think you're a good person.
What are you talking about? I'm a great person.
I go to church with you every single week.
I'm not even Catholic.
It's boring as hell to wait in a long line for one stupid chip.
What are you talking about? We haven't talked in, like, two years.
You didn't even invite me to your wedding.
I didn't invite you to my wedding? Not that I'd invite you to mine.
Wait, are you getting married? No, never.
I would never make that mistake again.
Ah, yes, there is the Danny I know.
Sorry I wasted your time.
Okay, universe, I guess the lesson here is that, without me, Danny Castellano is a miserable meatball.
But without him, my life is much better.
Might as well enjoy it.
Morgan! Get me my lunch.
I'm not pregnant, so sushi and a 40 please.
So just your regular lunch? Morgan What happened to you? Why are you in a wheelchair? [sighs.]
I was walking down the street with Dr.
There was a lot of traffic, and it was raining a little.
And I stepped on the curb, and Dr.
C turned to me and said, "Your shoes are too squeaky.
I want you to spend the rest of the day in a wheelchair.
" - What? - I'm so embarrassed.
I feel like such a fool.
[shoes squeaking.]
Actually, I found them in a field.
It's like a high-pitched - Get off! - Ooh, ahh, ahh.
Does Mindy know you're finding her a husband? No, but since the father won't step up to the plate, like Manny Ramirez, we have to take the ball and run with it, like Rob Gronkowski.
Come on, an arranged marriage? That's so that's so medieval.
We were an arranged marriage.
You were? But you you you must have known each other a little bit before, right? Like seen each other at the festivals? You know, when you push the the lantern in the water.
- That's Japan.
- That's Japan.
The first time I saw her was when I lifted her veil on our wedding day.
It was the happiest day of our lives.
[inhales deeply.]
All right.
All right, let's take a look at these guys.
Yay, let's do it.
[tap at door.]
Hello, Mindy.
You look happy.
Let me guess, there's a new pop song out celebrating butt size.
Jason Derulo's "Big Ol' Cheekies" is the jam of the season, and I am happy because my life is so great.
What do you want? Oh, nothing, I was just missing the smell of your dandruff shampoo.
Oh, my God! Don't sniff me, you pedo.
You did not call me a pedo on Thursday.
Well, actually you did, but it was in a fun role-playing context.
Role-playing Oh, my God.
Are we sleeping together? I'm not sleeping with you.
I would never cheat on Danny.
I mean, my husband Mitt.
Whoever this person Damn it.
I thought this reality was better.
Well, Mindy, I like to think that I exist in multiple realities as well.
However, in this one, I can tell we are not going to have sex, so I'm gonna go.
What's going on with me? I'm not a cheater.
The only thing I've ever cheated on was my vision test, and that was a victimless crime.
Ow! Damn it.
Why is there a chair here? There's like a million chairs in this room! Danny can't be right about me.
I have to confess to Matt, because I'm a good person.
And if he wants to break up with me, I'll cash out with half his money.
Ooh, a dentist.
They can talk about being doctors.
Fake doctor.
What do you think, Danny? He is a decent man.
Will Mindy like him? Makes a mid five figures, doesn't drink, listens to jazz.
I hope he likes the outdoors, 'cause Mindy's gonna push him right off a bridge.
Danny, you haven't seemed to like any of these gentlemen.
This is Mindy we're talking about.
Is there a binder of white NBA players? Our daughter is a 35-year-old pregnant woman with a Bart Simpson tattoo.
If one of these men will marry her, who are we to say no? Oh, maybe Danny's right.
Maybe this is a bad idea, like Boston hosting the Olympics.
Mindy is too particular for arranged marriage.
Which raises the question maybe, just maybe, the fault isn't with Mindy, but with the institution of marriage itself.
Get out of my way! English, English! I am Morgan of House Tookers.
Both: Morgan! Finally we are together, like Peter Lawford and Joey Bishop.
You framed it.
Morgan, what are you doing here? Thank God you're here.
I've been looking all over for you.
I went to Pakistan first.
Big mistake.
The Taliban tried to recruit me Hey, it's great to see you.
Can I talk to you? No one's ever said that to me before.
- Okay.
- Ah, what'd they say? Did you ask them yet? Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! - Shh, keep your voice down.
- [whispers.]
Ow! Hey, man, how 'bout a hello? [whispering.]
How the hell did you find me? Cousin Lou used to be a detective.
In a porno.
Right now, they're trying to push Mindy into an arranged marriage.
In there? They got a whole binder full of losers.
Oh, is it "The Big Book of American Losers"? I'm on page 275.
Did you ask for Dr.
L's hand? What did they say? No, I'm not doing that, okay? I came here to tell them I love her, but I'm not built for marriage.
Okay, no, no, I'm sorry, I did not use all of Dr.
L's Marlboro points to fly halfway across the globe, tell the Taliban I would "think about it," only to have you say yet again you are not gonna propose to the woman that you knocked up.
"Oh, my feelings! My qualms! I have all these qualms.
" Hey, babe, I have to tell you something very important, and it's been bothering me the whole day Ugh! These chips are terrible.
Whoa, babe, that's a bowl of seashells.
Ooh, this reminds me.
I spoke to Andy, and he is so pleased with my work on "Real Housewives: Black vs.
White," he wants to move forward with our show.
- Our show? - Yeah, our reality show.
About you and me and our real lives, our stresses and struggles, as you start your own business.
Wait, my fertility practice? I don't know what that is.
No, your company! Delectable Desires.
Slutty girdles for the sexually active obese.
That's my company? Okay, I'm sure my parents are gonna be very proud about that.
No, no, just please, Matt, stop.
- I have to tell you something.
- Of course.
Babe, if you can confess to me that you wrote a love letter to Mel Gibson, you can tell me anything.
I slept with someone else.
And I don't know why I did it, but I promise, I'm not that kind of person.
Oh, that's it? That's the confession? Yeah.
Well, babe, I mean so do I.
I sleep with other people all the time.
We have an open relationship.
Ex-squeeze me? Danny, this is the best Italian food I've ever eaten.
Tarun, thank you so much for the sweatshirt.
I love wearing it.
I love the Sox.
You're most welcome.
Morgan, I can't believe you're not eating.
Honestly, it just it looks really disgusting to me.
Like it was made with ulterior motives.
I'm just gonna stick to my PB and naan.
I love it.
You know, I only cook like this for people I love.
That is so sweet, Danny.
Why can't our Mindy find someone like you? Instead she gets taken advantage of by some creep.
Let me tell you something about the guy who knocked up your daughter.
He's literally the worst person I've ever met in my life, and I was in a forced triple cell with the Menendez brothers.
Really? Didn't he float you 5 grand so you could go to nurse practitioner's school? Yeah, but did he come to my graduation party? Nope! It was just me by myself at the Rainforest Café.
A parrot laughed at me.
The waiter kept saying, "Sir" [doorbell rings.]
That's odd.
We weren't expecting anyone.
Yeah, well, I was.
- Who do you know in India? - Who do I know in India? Uh, well, for one, the dogs that stole my luggage.
And for two Dr.
L's future husband.
I went through this binder and I found a real winner.
- Oh, you did? - And there he is, right there.
We're in an open relationship? Are you out of your mind? You only check "open relationship" on Facebook as a joke, like, "I'm in an open relationship with chili fries.
" This was your idea, okay? We saw that Michael Fassbender movie.
You were like, "I'd love to have a three-way with that guy," and I was like, "I agree.
" Yeah, but you're not supposed to agree with every stupid thing I say.
Danny would've been like, [as Danny.]
"Stop being a pervert.
Take a walk around the block.
Cool your loins.
" Oh, Danny.
Danny, your coworker who treats you like an idiot.
You know what? Sometimes I am an idiot.
How are we supposed to explain our open relationship to our kids? Our ki we're not having kids! You said you'd rather have a recording studio and a South Park pinball machine! You know, I just can't believe you're doing this tonight.
Of all nights! The one night my college roommate is in town.
I'm sorry, okay? [sighs.]
Wait, we weren't meeting him for group sex, were we? No, we were meeting him for a nice dinner and to reminisce.
Yes, we were gonna have a three-way with him! I don't even know you anymore! They killed Kenny! [electronic music.]
I get it.
I have to find Danny.
Now, Sendhil, it says here you love to dance.
I myself couldn't walk until I was 12.
Can you speak to that? Hip hop was my entire 20s.
I'd say a highlight was touring with Michael Jackson and meeting the Queen.
Oh! [impressed chuckles.]
I'm a fairly accomplished dancer.
It's not exactly the most lucrative career.
How do you plan to support a family on that? Oh, no, I run a hedge fund.
Yeah, when a man over 30 dances, he only looks foolish.
Amen, brother.
Sendhil, you are such a catch.
May I ask, why aren't you married? - Well, I was married.
- Ooh.
- You're divorced? - [imitating buzzer.]
Thanks for playing, Sendhil.
Too bad.
Really thought you were the one.
I'll walk you out.
[imitating buzzer.]
You were divorced, right, Dr.
C? Uh, no, I was I was annulled.
- It's totally different.
- The same thing, I think.
I wish I was annulled.
Actually, I'm a widower.
My wife was swept away in a wave.
[groaning and gasping.]
I think we got a winner right here, Dr.
L's new husband and my new best friend.
- My main man.
- No, no, no.
He's not the husband, he's not the best friend.
What's wrong with him? Is it the way he's dressed? Or the fact that he's rich or has this frigging beautiful caramel skin? Or is it that he wants to marry the old girl, sight unseen, unlike some people that I know Okay, Morgan, stop, right now.
Okay, just stop? Danny, we know you have high standards, but Sendhil is far and away the best option Mindy has.
No, he isn't.
If not him, then who? Yeah, Danny.
If not him, then who? Me.
I'm the father of Mindy's baby.
And you've come to ask for her hand? Not exactly.
Come again? How could you lie to us? I played Sudoku with you.
We talked about the Red Sox middle relief problems! Guess what? He hates the Red Sox.
He hates Tom Brady too.
I don't hate him.
I just think he's an ugly cheater.
Hold on.
She's pregnant? You didn't tell me that.
Okay, she's a very sexually active like the way condoms feel.
- What do you expect? - 35 and pregnant? You were trying to sell me a lemon.
- Hey! - Ex-squeeze me, sir? Did you just call my daughter a piece of sour fruit? How dare you? Our daughter is a sweet angel that any man would be lucky to be with.
Of course you'd say that.
You're the people who taught her these loose morals.
- [gasps.]
- You don't insult my family! It is the greatest family in the world.
My daughter is a ray of light because this is her mother, the premiere undiscovered Bollywood character actress in the greater Boston area.
And Mindy is a brilliant doctor because she takes after this man, the best chemistry professor to walk the halls of Lesley College.
His office hours are poorly attended because he teaches it right the first time.
Wh If she's so great, how come you won't marry her? Those are my own stupid issues.
If I grew up seeing a marriage like this one, I don't know, maybe I wouldn't have them.
Mindy is amazing.
Yes, she is.
And for the record, people would kill to be a Lahiri.
I'd kill a whole busload of people.
You hear that? [inhales.]
Whew, I'm sorry, that's the Taliban talking.
Now get out! [speaking native language.]
Hey, how come you needed my credit card information? [speaking foreign language.]
Get out.
[suspenseful music.]
Danny, Danny, oh, thank God I found you.
I need to talk to you.
It's very important.
- Are you on a date right now? - Yes, I am.
What are you doing here? I am in a sliding doors for one freaking day, and you are wining, dining, and potentially sixty-nining with this rando - Oh, my God.
- Sorry.
- Are you Freida Pinto? - Yes.
You know, people tell me that we look so much alike.
You must hear that too, right? I don't think so.
I don't see the resemblance really.
Wait, were you ever featured in "Cosmo" in their "Fashion Fails" section? You look so familiar.
I was.
I was actually.
I had a camel toe in corduroy shorts.
So she's not the only famous Indian woman here.
How do you two know each other? Oh, I met Danny in spin class.
- One day our quads touched - Oh, yes.
On a very steep climb.
What a romantic story.
Hey, you know what'd be great, if I could just talk to this guy, and you could get the hell out of here.
Yeah, you should leave.
Yeah, it's weird that you're still here.
I'm talking to you, Mindy.
No, I will not leave.
Okay, you know what, I have to talk to you, - so if you're not gonna move - [gasps.]
I'm just gonna seat myself.
Help, Danny, she's killing me.
Okay, cut the theatrics, Pinto.
Oh, she's so heavy, Danny! - No, I am not so heavy! - You're crushing her.
If you ate more, this wouldn't hurt so much.
You know what? You are rude, you're a jerk, and I'm not going anywhere.
You know why? 'Cause I am pregnant with this man's baby.
[diners gasping.]
What? I know you're very angry, but I'm prepared to make things right.
Now, how do you settle things in this country? I'm going to have to cut off your hand.
Oh, God, I knew it! I knew it! You knew it was a risk! You knew it was a risk! No, you idiot.
Have you not read a single book in your life? Look, I I'm sorry I insulted your arranged marriage.
I mean, you two have a very special relationship.
- Looking back on my life - Stop.
As my son Rishi would say, get a grip, dude.
If you had put as much time into your relationship as you do worrying about it, I'd have six grandchildren by now.
Yes, go and take care of our daughter.
You can call it whatever you like.
Uh Thank you.
Probably see you guys during Brahmadon? That's not anything.
Now you are not getting a farewell song.
- Come on! - No, no.
- I didn't do it it was him! - It was me.
- Both go.
- Tarun? - Out, out.
- Out.
Are you out of your mind? Danny, I thought "Be careful what you wish for" was something that people said in books I've never read.
But it's happening to me! I'm not supposed to be with handsome Matt! This life is wrong.
There is no other life.
This is it.
That's not true.
I lived it! Okay, when we were on that plane coming back from L.
, you were supposed to follow me to the back and kiss me.
But you didn't.
Why didn't you kiss me? [tense music.]
I know you don't believe me, but that's what was meant to happen.
You know I'm right! You know I'm right! Why didn't you kiss me? Then what? Huh? What? We date and you cheat on me like you cheat on your husband? I would never cheat on you, Danny.
'Cause you're the one I'm supposed to be with.
Hey, don't do that.
No, no, no, no, this is crazy.
This is crazy.
Uh Take a walk around the block and go cool your loins, okay? See? That's why I need you.
Because you say annoying stuff like that, Danny.
You make me a better person, and I make you a better person.
No, no, no, no, no, no, you don't know what you're talking about.
Okay, Mindy? Just do me a favor.
Go home.
Go home.
You have a husband.
I don't want a husband.
I want you! [thud.]
- Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey, you're okay.
- Oh, God.
You're just having a bad dream, babe.
It was so awful, my God.
It was like "It's A Wonderful Life," except it was in color and it wasn't boring.
You hated me.
You were dating Freida Pinto.
She was such a bitch.
What? I don't care if we're not married.
I just want to be with you, okay? Me too.
What the hell, man? I was so worried and mad! Where have you been? I was in India.
I was with your parents.
Oh, no.
Did my mom sing? - A little bit, yeah.
- I'm so sorry.
I told them that I love you, but I don't believe in marriage.
I know.
But when two strangers can meet on their wedding day and still be in love 40 years later, maybe I'm wrong.
I'd like to be wrong.
Mindy Lahiri Will you marry me? [laughing.]
Yes, yes.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.

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