The Mindy Project s04e04 Episode Script

The Bitch is Back

After a lifetime of searching, I've finally found my perfect man.
He's cute, fun, and he loves to cuddle.
He's a little young, but we have so much in common.
We watch all the same shows.
Thanks for turning me on to this show, Leo.
I just wish the mysteries weren't so hard.
And when we go out, he always gets me special treatment.
Do you mi thank you, thank you.
Here, take those.
You're such a nice guy.
If do you mind putting this in the back.
Would you? Thank you.
But when we stay in, that's when it gets real intimate.
Do you like bath time? And he's really into my body, especially my boobs.
Hey, come on.
Don't talk about the kid like that.
- It's gross.
- I'm sorry.
I'm just I'm so obsessed with him.
I didn't think it was possible to love someone more than you, but then Leo came around, and I was like, "Danny, who dat?" I know what you mean.
I'm excited for you to stop by work tomorrow.
Be good for everyone to get to know the little guy.
It'd be good for Leo's immune system to be around Morgan.
Oh, I miss the old gang.
Tamra, Jeramery - Jeremy.
- Hmm.
My God, is maternity leave over that soon? It went by so fast.
You're not ready to go back yet? 'Cause you don't have to go back to work if you don't want.
- Ever? - Sure, why not? I don't know, Danny.
Be a stay-at-home mom? What would the stay-at-home moms that I cyber-bully on Pinterest say? Look, I just think it's gonna be a lot harder to go back than you think.
Being a working mom is really tough.
I don't know.
According to movie posters, it's just like carrying a briefcase and a baby bottle at the same time.
Well, look, I just want you and Leo to be happy.
- That's it.
- Danny, I love working.
I've always worked.
I didn't change just 'cause I had a kid.
I'll always make time for Leo, my sexy little boy-toy that - Okay, I heard it then.
- Yeah.
[hip-hop music.]
[baby crying.]
Oh, sweetie.
You're hungry again? I just fed you.
All right.
Well, you certainly got Mom's appetite.
God, what's in these? Chocolate milk? Ugh.
My God.
Sir? Is everything okay? Were you were you groining at moi? No offense, ma'am, but there is a time and a place - for that.
- Okay.
Like it's so horrible for you to have to stare at my gorgeous cans.
It's just that, most people consider the subway a public space, except for you, and this Asian fellow clipping his toenails.
Okay, that Asian fellow's name is Henry, and he happens to be my friend.
Keep doing you, Henry.
And guess what, pal? No man tells me what to do with my body.
Only women's magazines can do that.
Well, that's the trouble with women like you.
You confuse exploitation with empowerment.
Are strip clubs empowering? No.
Is Hooter's restaurant empowering? I don't think so.
For my 40th birthday, when I hired two Georgia State cheerleaders to wrestle in barbecue sauce, was that empowering? It most certainly was not.
It was fun, though.
Those girls had a good time.
So, I ask you, ladies and gentlemen, now how is what this woman is doing any different? Is it? All: Yeah.
Okay, first of all, I do think Hooters is empowering.
I've been there several times and had a great meal.
Second of all, God gave me these breasts.
Well, God and Dr.
Yim's Miracle Breast Cream, but I can do whatever I want with them, okay? Put them away.
[chanting "Put them away".]
- You know what, I'll do it.
- Thank you.
If I wanted to see a Gauguin painting, I would have gone to the museum.
- [laughter.]
- Yeah! Guess what, pal? Joke didn't land, 'cause I don't know who that is.
[all booing.]
Okay, that's not nice.
Hey, Tamra, I need your help.
I got Mindy a little present for enduring the pains of labor.
It's called a push present, Grandpa.
I thought you said push presents were B.
propagated by the "Today" show and "Big Bracelet.
" Yeah, that was before Mindy squeezed out the love of my life.
Anyway, this is what I got her.
Check this out.
[Smokey Robinson's "Tears of a Clown" plays.]
Stop the damn music.
What the hell was that? It's a dance.
Worked before.
L just had your baby.
No woman wants a dance as a push present.
I don't care how good a dancer you are.
I don't care if you're Michael.
Jackson? Flatley.
The Lord of the Dance, ugh.
You're racist.
Look, I'll I'll get her a nice present.
Thanks for the help.
I appreciate it.
Two days of choreography down the tubes.
I have never been so offended in my life.
Oh, how I have missed that sound.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Jeramery.
So today, when I was on the subway, I was shamed for breastfeeding.
Oh, my God.
Finally some class in this [Leo babbles.]
What is Leo doing here? - What? - Why did you bring him? I thought you were rolling solo.
- Huh? - Nothing.
Hey, what's up, Leo? How you doing, dude? Ooh, look at the cute little baby.
There he is.
Put her there, partner No! Get off! Get off! - Everybody get off.
- Okay.
- Purell, okay? - Really? - Just washed minutes ago.
- Let's do it again.
- Okay.
- Congratulations.
He's very dark.
All aboard the Daddy Express.
I just want to say, I've worked here for years, and I've never been offered a ride on Dad Express.
Mindy, I'm sure Danny told you we hired a new doctor and nurse, - Jody and Colette.
- You're gonna love them.
Jody wears cool-ass suits, and Colette started Thirsty Thursdays.
Oh, yet, when I suggested we do Martini Monday Mornings, I was called a "alcoholic.
" You know what? They must be really cool.
Well, naa they're they're kinda cool, but they're not they're not this cool.
Ho! - Ugh, ugh.
- [gasps.]
- Oh! - Aah! What were you even trying to do? Hey, why is all the extra toilet paper - in my office? - Okay.
When you're not around, we just don't go through - as much.
- How is that possible? - There's two new people here.
- I know.
I don't know what to tell you.
I'm sorry.
Oh, my God, I missed you so much! Your maternity leave has been hell for me.
As it should be, but don't worry.
I'll be back next week full-time.
That's what I'm talking about.
I thought you were gonna wuss out and cut your hours like those moms who love their kids.
[laughs softly.]
Well, I mean, some nights I'll want to go home early.
Go home early? What are you, crazy? For the past two months, I have single-handedly been running that fertility practice of yours.
I know, and I really appreciate it.
No, you shouldn't.
I've been doing a bad job.
I mixed up the eggs.
- What? - Yeah, it's a bad situation.
You need to come back here full-time, dude.
I just know I've been spending so much time with Leo, I hadn't really thought about coming back to two full-time jobs and raising a baby.
And yeah, I just, I don't I don't think putting Leo up for adoption is the right answer.
- What? - "It's not the answer," - is what I said.
- No.
- No, obviously.
- You know what Danny said? He said that maybe I should be a stay-at-home mom.
Yeah, but, you're all about work.
That's why you don't give me holidays off.
I don't know, Morgan.
Maybe Danny's right.
I mean, I'm already so stressed out.
You should have heard that jerk on the subway this morning.
- [scoffs.]
- Good morning, everybody.
If I did, knuckle sandwich on rye.
- Hey, Tamra.
- Wait, I can hear that jerk.
- He's here.
- Oh, it's punching time.
Oh, my God, it's him.
It's him.
Hey, man.
Hey, hi, remember me? What the hell are you doing here? I'm Dr.
Jody Kimball-Kinney.
I'm the new doctor here.
That's Jody.
Everyone loves him.
What's up, dog? Oh, no, no, no.
This will not stand.
My subway shamer can not work here.
Mindy, I see you've met our new doctor and nurse, siblings Jody and Colette Kimball-Kinney.
I told you about them, remember? They moved here from Georgia.
Yeah, when you told me about Jody and Colette from Georgia, I thought they were an older black couple, whose love has seen them through America's most turbulent decades.
Not this jerk.
Hey, I'm Colette.
Sorry for the misunderstanding.
If it helps, I do go to a historically black hair salon.
- Yeah.
- Okay, I took her.
I didn't really want to, but she's such a good listener.
You, on the other hand, are exactly what Jeremy described to me.
What is that supposed to mean? You know, you think you're so cool with your awesome suit, and your superior attitude.
Hey, man, guess what? The picnic table called, they want their tablecloth back.
- [sighs.]
- Up here.
Um, Jeremy, why did you hire these clown? [sighs.]
Look, Mindy, I'm sorry that you've gotten off on the wrong foot, but I've know these two since I was a boy.
As a foreign exchange student, I stayed with their family - in Georgia.
- [laughs.]
We had us some adventures, didn't we? Yes, I was quite the rebel.
I ate a hushpuppy, I used paper napkins, walked barefoot in grass - Mm-hmm.
- Got a flatworm.
- No big deal.
- And every afternoon, we'd wrestle till supper.
Come on.
- Aah, don't.
- They're doing it.
Cowards forfeit! Cowards forfeit! It was a golden time.
And, uh, when we told Jeremy we were looking to move to New York, he was kind enough to fix us up with a job.
Ah, being a nurse in New York is cake compared to the South.
Way less diabetes, and you never have to cut anyone out of their house.
Plus, I love my new co-workers.
These two really brought this whole office together, Dr.
Oh, on the other hand, the pace of a city doctor is nowhere near as languid.
If you'll excuse me, Mrs.
Morrison just went into labor.
Wait, Mrs.
Morison? That's my patient.
- You have a pleasant afternoon.
- You too, Jody.
- Bye, Colette.
- I'm sorry.
Don't talk to me like I don't know who Mrs.
Morrison is.
I invented Mrs.
Hey, guys.
What happened? I ain't working with no hillbillies.
We gotta figure something out.
Listen, I will kill anyone you ask me to, but I think I might be team Colette and Jody on that one.
- I can't.
- Mindy.
What's going on? Danny, I can not work with that guy.
He is the antithesis of everything that I stand for.
The freedom to hate-watch strangers' wedding videos? No, like, women's rights or whatever.
Well, there is one way you wouldn't have to deal with Jody.
Yeah, frame him for murder, but where would we find the body? The morgue.
You're right.
- I call Justin.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm talking about if you stayed home.
I mean, you wouldn't have to work with Jody or anybody.
Danny, there's no way that I'm staying home now.
I mean, Jody would love that.
I don't know.
Is it smart to make such a big decision based purely out of spite? That's why I do everything.
The only reason I became a doctor is because my bitch guidance counselor told me I couldn't.
Miss Parsons.
Look, I'm not crazy about Jody either.
He talks really slow.
He hates New York.
He keeps calling me "Biscuit.
" - Well, what should I do? - [sighs.]
Well, you need to weigh all your options.
I mean, you were happy and calm yesterday, now only a couple hours back at work, and you're so stressed out, you can't stop clenching your fists.
Okay, one, that's not true.
Two, I'm calm as hell [playful music.]
Okay, fine.
Yes, I am stressed, but I'm stressed because of Jody, not 'cause of work.
Well, I don't know what to tell you.
He's a great doctor.
Unless he gives Jeremy a reason to fire him, Jody isn't going anywhere.
So he just has to make one mistake.
Can you plot to yourself? We're still not married.
I'd have to testify against you.
Yes, sorry, sorry.
So he just has to make one mistake.
You're still doing it.
Hey, what ever happened with the push present, Dr.
C? Ugh, don't worry about it.
I took care of it.
I just Googled "perfect gifts for mom.
" - Oh, no.
- Yeah, I got her a luxurious cranberry turtleneck.
I left it for her as a surprise this morning.
Oh, boy.
Do you mean "oh, boy," like, in an excited way? Because your inflection was way off.
A turtleneck is, like, what you get your aunt when she graduates from court reporter school.
Aw, you're crazy.
If you saw the garment, you'd understand.
The one I gave her is a cable-knit, merino wool, cranberry turtleneck.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry.
Did you say you got Dr.
L a cranberry turtleneck? That's crazy.
L gave me this cranberry turtleneck today.
What what are the chances? She gave that to you? Yeah, I dropped off her dry-cleaning this morning, and she said, "Here, this is trash that someone left on my bed as a prank.
" So win-win.
Well, it obviously looks bad on Morgan.
What does? My haircut.
I know.
I know, okay.
I fell asleep in a fan.
Everyone happy now? I knew they'd notice.
Push present? More like, based on the novel "Push" by Sapphire in that these gifts are an endless series of tragedies.
You're really not good at this.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I mean, no dance, no sweater.
- What about a bread maker? - Oh, fine.
I'll help you find a present.
- Meet me in the sewers at dawn.
- No.
I'm taking him to the jewelry store.
All right, Jody, you're going down, and that's coming from the queen of going down.
Okay, Leo, we're gonna find out the dirt on Jody, and you are the lookout.
Cool? Okay.
[playful music.]
- Hey! - Oh, God! - Oh, uh, hey, Jody's sister.
- Hey.
I was just looking for your brother.
He said he had an old book he he wanted to give me.
- Oh.
- So, I was just looking through all of these.
- [sniffles.]
- Hey, are you okay? - Are you crying? - No, I'm I'm just allergic to the big city.
Hey, man, I hate it here.
Oh, God, did a pigeon steal your pretzel? - You always have to buy two.
- No.
This place is just so different from our town.
Back there, I had so many friends.
I was head cheerleader and captain of the football team.
- Well, why did you leave? - Jody wanted to, and we do everything together.
At least we did, until an Uber driver ran over our tandem bicycle.
God, this city sucks.
Hey, it doesn't suck.
It just takes some getting used to.
When I first moved here, I was so lonely, I started dating a statue in Central Park.
- Oh.
- But, eventually, I made human friends, and so will you.
I mean, look, you already made friends with me, and I think Leo thinks you're pretty cool.
He's he's pretty cool too.
All right.
That's awesome.
My first New York friends.
Let's body-five and make it official.
- Come on.
- You know, in New York City, we don't body-five.
- We give quick, courteous hugs.
- Oh.
- Let's try it.
- Okay.
- Oh, that was nice.
- Has the same impact - as a body-five, right? - Yeah.
Oh, and, uh, my brother actually went home.
He just finished up Mrs.
Morrison's delivery.
It sounded like it was pretty difficult, so - I'll see you later.
- Bye.
Hey, Mrs.
Morrison, I had to come and see you because I heard that you had such a hard delivery.
Yeah, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.
You want to just maybe tell me everything that Dr.
K did wrong? Um, this will be recorded for quality assurance.
No, he didn't do anything wrong.
Sure, not medically, but, kinda creeped you out, right? He was, like, a little inappropriate, little handsy with the nurses.
No, that's what you do.
Actually, Dr.
K was a perfect gentleman.
Perfect gentleman? You want to tell me that guy was a perfect gentleman? Okay.
So, you were saying, you had a repressed memory about Dr.
K molesting you.
I loved Dr.
K, and my husband loved how old-fashioned he was.
When Bob came in the room after the birth was over, the doctor handed him a cigar and a savings bond for the baby.
How cute is that? Yeah, well, we're not really supposed to give gifts like that, so that was, like, weird, but great to see you.
Wait, so your husband wasn't there when you gave birth? Yeah, Dr.
K thought that that way my vagina could remain a beautiful mystery for my husband.
What? Your vagina is not supposed to be a mystery.
That is so sexist and kinda fireable.
- Come here, you.
- Okay, okay.
We talked about the kissing, Dr.
How about this ring with the diamond baby on it? I don't know.
Ooh, you can get her a necklace that says, "100% Mom Realness" in jewels.
- Yeah, nah.
- Okay.
Well, you're not allowed to cheap out on this like you did on my birthday.
No Yogurtland gift card for $15.
What about this? Those are amazing.
- Yeah.
- [gasps.]
What did you do, you son of a bitch? - Did you cheat on her? - No.
No, look, I want to get Mindy something good because I love her.
You're lying.
Oh, my God, it's Beverly.
I knew it.
You guys are the same age.
What? No.
Look, I want Mindy to stay home with Leo, so I thought if I bought her something nice, it might help convince her.
You're trying to buy Dr.
L's freedom? What the hell is wrong with you? Well, she love being a mom, and work stresses her out, and I make enough money for the both of us.
So what? Jay-Z's so rich, he throws his car out when it runs out of gas, and he doesn't stop his wife from working.
If you want to give Dr.
L a gift, don't tell her to quit her job.
She's already bled and sacrificed for you, what have you sacrificed for her, huh? I don't know.
That's a good question.
I never thought about that.
Now buy me that ring with the diamond baby on it.
I'm furious at you right now.
Excuse me, I need some help with this ring.
I see your point about the new speculums, - but if if I may - Jeremy, Jeremy.
- You should fire this guy.
- What? He told my patient that her husband should not be there for the birth of her baby, because it was "unladylike.
" - He's such a sexist.
- Please, Mindy, - Jody is not a sexist.
- Oh, yes.
- I most certainly am a sexist.
- What? - See? See? - Hey, man, let me explain.
[disgusted murmuring.]
Now what is the definition of the word sexist? Is it that I believe there are traditional differences - between men and women? - Yes.
Well, if anyone should be offended by that comparison, it's men.
We all know that men are dirty, disgusting rascals.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes, they are.
Why, when I was a boy, I pulled a frog out of the creek, and I lit it up with dynamite.
- Ugh, typical.
- He had to go to a therapist for that.
Whereas my sweet Colette found an orphan skunk pup and raised it as her own, so sweet was her feminine disposition.
Jody blew him up, too.
Had to go back to the therapist.
Now, this woman think I detest women, yet I've devoted my life to the study of the feminine biology.
That's how much I cherish them.
- Yep.
- That's sweet.
- Yeah.
- Now, the scriptures would have us believe that Eve was the source of all sin.
Well, I hope the Lord will forgive me if I beg to differ.
For was not the serpent a man? [approving murmurs.]
- Technically, yeah.
- What? That got applause? Are you out of your minds? Even Harper Lee's health aide - wouldn't publish that.
- I think I'm sexist.
- I'm sexist.
- Do racism next.
G-g I can't believe you guys.
All right.
You either fire him, or I'm gone.
Okay, Mindy, come on.
[objecting murmurs.]
Well, maybe that would be for the best.
Hey! [disapproving murmurs.]
Dude, you shouldn't have said that.
Oh, you would love that, wouldn't you? You would love it if I packed up my bags, went home, took care of my baby, and hit out, 'cause you think I should be more demure.
You think I should be more ladylike.
Want to see ladylike? How's this for ladylike? - [all gasp.]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, God.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, God.
- What are you doing? I meant to flash him.
I didn't mean to spray milk - in his face.
- [gasping.]
- Calm sorry.
- I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
There, there, old friend.
- I've got it all.
- It's gonna be okay.
Okay, it breast milk is the most nutritious substance in the whole world.
I mean, at a spa, that would probably cost, like, $200, that treatment.
Mindy, I think you should apologize to Jody right now.
- An apology, at last? - Mm-hmm.
Well, let me get my slippers, make myself comfortable.
You know, don't bother.
I quit.
You quit, and I kill myself.
- Okay, sit down, sit down.
- [sighs.]
Hey, Min, you don't really want to quit, do you? I think I do, Danny.
I don't fit in here anymore, and I don't even know if I want to.
And honestly, there's someone at home who loves it when I squirt breast milk in his face.
I'd rather be with him.
So, thank you, Jody, for making this so much easier for me.
Danny, I will see you at home, when you finish your work day with these penis-brains.
I'm sorry.
We're not penis-brains.
Hey, Dr.
L! Wait up.
Oh, God.
Is my skirt tucked into my underwear again? Every time I think I make a cool exit.
No, no.
Your underwear's fine.
I wanted to apologize for my brother.
He's having a hard time adjusting to New York like I am.
He still says hey to everybody that he walks by.
It's New York.
There's like a million people.
He was three hours late to work yesterday.
Okay, well, it's not 100% his fault.
I've been agonizing over whether or not I should come back to work at all.
It's been making me a little crazy.
Listen, if you're gonna quit, fine, but don't do it because my brother got under your skin 'cause you got under his skin too.
The only time I hear him speechifying things like that is when he feels threatened.
Like when they said they were gonna cancel "Duck Dynasty.
" I love those boys.
I would have freaked out too.
"Duck Dynasty" not withstanding, I can't believe that he was threatened by me.
Yeah, and for what it's worth, I think you seem pretty cool, and I want you to stay.
Aw, Colette, I think you're great.
And if this were just a little different, and, I don't know, we were on vacation together, - like - Pfft.
What? No, I'm not hitting on you.
[elevator dings.]
Well, I think we have a great chemistry, but I that's neither here nor there.
No, just make your own decision.
- That's all I'm saying.
- Thanks for saying that.
And who knows? Maybe you'll see me here - back at work next week.
- Good.
And as for this, we'll just see where this goes.
It's not going anywhere.
- I don't know, maybe.
- Ah, not going anywhere.
[playful music.]
[door unlocks.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Listen, I think earlier I overreacted when I said that I wanted to quit.
I wasn't going to say anything, 'cause Tamra said it was uncool.
It was a whole thing, but I am overjoyed that you want to stay at home.
- Yeah, but I-I cha - You're gonna be there for all the big moments, and Leo's gonna feel so loved.
And so secure because he's gonna know that someone's always at home with him.
Babe, when I was growing up [sighs.]
I never had that, and I'm just so happy that Leo will.
Thank you.
[solemn music.]
I'm so happy, too.
[laughs softly.]
I got you a little just a little push present.
You know, you bled and you you suffered for me, and I felt like it was only right if I did too.
[laughs softly.]
- Oh, my God, I love it.
- Yeah? Yeah.
I cried when I got it, but not just because it hurt [sentimental music.]
Thank you so much, babe.

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