The Mindy Project s04e15 Episode Script

2 Fast 2 Serious

1 [all cheering.]
So, I've never been set up by my Postmates before, but it makes sense because I see Carlos F.
almost every night.
Yeah, Carlos is cool.
Hey, man, the show is down here.
Right, right.
So Carlos mentioned that you [crowd cheers.]
Yes! - And one! - I'm gonna go.
If I wanted to be treated badly at a wings place, I'd go by the one by my house where I don't tip.
W Well, wait, I-I-I'm sorry.
Truth is, I haven't been on a date in a while.
I'm a bit rusty, and right now, we are in the middle of a category five Sportz-icane.
What's a Sportz-icane? It's a day when a bunch of great sporting events happen at the same time, and we've got a game seven in the NHL, Lebron versus Kobe, and the biggest MMA fight of all time, Soto Diaz versus Diaz Soto.
I actually kind of like MMA.
I think it's cute when those guys 69 each other.
Come over here and sit on my side.
I'll explain everything, and, uh, I'll be so busy yammering away that you can have all the wings.
[elevator bell dings.]
Oh, that was very interesting.
I did not know that they held sporting events at Madison Square Garden.
I thought that's just where Billy Joel lived, so Um, well, this is me.
You know, it started off bad, but I had a really nice time.
I had a really nice time too.
- It was fun, right? - Mm-hmm.
I mean, even though you choked on a wing and I had to give you the Heimlich maneuver.
Yeah, sorry about that.
I'm just such a foodie.
No, I liked it.
I mean, I got to cop a feel on the first date, you know? [both chuckle.]
Well, I have delivered you safely to your apartment.
I'm not gonna make it weird and ask to come in.
You can come in.
I'd love for you to come in.
Easy, tiger.
Maybe I've earned myself a nighttime date? Definitely.
Well Morgan, I had the best date.
He's cute, he made sports tolerable, he paid for three figures' worth of chicken wings.
See, I told you, it's not impossible to date as a single mother.
Oh, my God, I'm a mom.
I didn't tell him I have a kid.
Did you tell him about me? No, of course not.
Don't cry.
Come on, that's not [both crying.]
Don't encourage him.
[hip-hop music.]
Hey, guys.
How do I tell a man that I am dating that I have a kid? How many children does he have? - None.
- Well, then it doesn't matter how you tell him, because it's over.
- What? - I don't know.
I think I would date a woman with a child.
Thank you.
- A female child, though.
- What? Well, if it was a boy, it would only be a matter of time before he was big enough to kill me.
Yeah, I could totally see a little boy killing Dr.
- Right? - Yeah, for sure.
Oh, my God, you guys don't know what you're talking about.
Kurt Russell got with Goldie Hawn when she had two kids.
Well, with all due respect, Mindy is no Goldie Hawn in "Overboard.
" How dare you? I have fallen off of several ships.
Hey, man, you're out of line.
Yeah, this one has a child, all right? But, maybe there's something wrong with this guy.
He could be ugly or deformed or have a scarred penis.
No, stop.
I thought you were going to say that it didn't matter because Leo's such a great kid and anyone would be lucky to be around him.
Leo's okay.
- All right, that sucked.
- Honest.
Just honest.
Colette, you need to get your ass in there and fix this.
I am all in.
If you bail on me, I'm ruined.
- [both muttering.]
- Hey! What the hell's going on in here? Beverly's trying to sleep out there.
- Sorry.
- Okay, okay, listen.
Colette and I have decided to move in together, and now this one is bailing.
I know, I just I have a hard time telling my brother that I got to move out 'cause he's really protective of me.
Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize that you were gonna have to have a difficult conversation with your bother.
- Thank you.
- I'm so sorry.
I mean, 'cause I went to see my grandmother, the woman who saw me through prison and my soda addiction, and I told her I'm out of here, yo, bitch.
Why would you do that? 'Cause I was hopped up on Sprite 'cause I'm using again.
- Hey, Colette.
- Yes.
Forget Jody.
Where do you want to live? With Morgan.
With all my heart.
He's my friend, and we wear the same Croc size.
Okay, I was trying to give you a way out, but if that's really how you feel, and again, I find that very hard to believe, then you need to talk to your brother.
You're right.
Hey, I need to talk to you about something.
I have a kid, and I know that it's a deal-breaker, so I'm just gonna take my food and eat in the ladies' room on the toilet.
Whoa, hold hold on, hold on.
Wait, wait, wait.
Can we maybe sit down? We've got, like, 30 more plates of tapas coming.
- I - Please? - Okay.
- Okay.
All right.
Guess what? - I like kids.
- Really? Look, we're both in our 30s, we have our histories.
I mean, I was engaged once.
Didn't work out.
My God, I was engaged too.
That's where my kid is from.
It's actually kind of a sexy story.
We were in the alley next to a Dumpster behind the Bubba Gump just kind of going at it.
Cool, yeah, do you maybe have any stories that don't involve you having unprotected sex with another man? Yes.
Once, I got a turtleneck caught over my head in a changing room, and, uh, they had to call the fire department.
- Made national news.
- Wow.
Good morning, co-workers.
Look out.
Here she comes.
Everybody be nice.
- She just got dumped.
- Uh, would a guy who's dumping me give me five minutes of tongue - last night? - Whoa, what? He knows you have a son and he's still interested? By God, hold on to him, Mindy.
Like a flagpole in a tornado.
Guys, check this out.
He's taking me to a wedding this weekend.
A wedding? On your third date? No, that's too fast.
No, he'll see how you dance.
How you eat shrimp.
Oh, God, this thing's over.
Oh, my God, what is everyone's problem? You worry he doesn't like her, now you're worried he likes her too much? You should just not care, like me.
Thank you, Tamra.
Thank you.
Jody, you know I'm grateful for everything that you've done for me, and I love you.
Well, I love you too, Colette.
That's why I'm so happy that we live together.
Ah, yeah, uh but aren't we lucky that we get to - work together, too, right? - Yes.
So even if we didn't live together, we'd still see each other, like, all the time.
Well, I don't really consider this you-and-me time, but I'm okay with that, because we live together.
I'm moving out.
Yeah, Morgan and I are gonna be roommates.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
But, why? I just want to try being more independent, you know? All right, I guess I guess that's that.
So you're okay with this? Well, it doesn't really matter.
Once a Kimball-Kinney's made up their mind, that horse is as good as glue.
Thank you.
Thank you, bro.
I love you.
Oh, I I love you, too.
- Best brother ever.
- Oh, best sister Best brother ever! - You! - A man could wish for.
Morgan, would you come to my office, please? Hey.
I understand that you and my sister are going to be living together.
Okay, she told you.
I it's not like I'm replacing you.
I'm just kind of taking the place of you.
Well, that's great.
Listen, would you do me a favor? Find me an empty box.
Oh, God, yeah.
Nothing beats a nice box.
Good, and then grab all the effects from your desk and put them in the box, because you're fired.
Got it.
Oh, God, I hope we're not too late to get good seats.
I need my own hymnal.
I actually want to floss with the ribbon.
I don't think we have to worry.
- I know people.
- [chuckles.]
Oh, my gosh, it's Mindy.
We're so excited to meet you.
Oh, hi.
Thank you so much.
This happens all the time.
I actually review cereal on YouTube.
I'm Janice.
Thank you so much for tuning in.
Keep crunchin'.
No, Mindy, this is not one of your YouTube followers.
Um, this is my mom.
Oh! Oh, my gosh.
It's so nice to meet you, Mrs.
I didn't know you were going to be here.
Yeah, my whole family's here.
Why are they here? Because it's my brother's wedding.
- Surprise! - What, now? - [Pachelbel's "Canon" plays.]
- Oh, we're starting.
Have a seat.
I'll be right back.
I'm the best man.
[jazzy music.]
Your husband killed a lot of Nazis.
Yeah, you know, I don't have much time left, and the fact that my Bryant found you gives me great comfort.
Hold up.
Bryant? With a T? Mm-hmm.
Oh, babe, have you tried this salad? It's got candied walnuts in it.
I haven't, and I actually want to ask you Oh, oh, oh, the slideshow - is about to start.
- Okay.
[Muzak plays.]
guests: Oh! - Oh! - Oh! [guests murmuring.]
Oh, my God.
That's us.
Bryan t? That photo is from the cocktail hour.
Yeah, look.
I know this does seem like it's moving a bit fast, and, hell, I wish my brother's wedding was, like, six months from now.
But I knew that when I looked back at these photos that I'd want you in them.
That's sweet.
[tapping on glass.]
Oh, we have to give our toast.
- Okay.
- All right, let's do this.
I have to I'm O-okay.
- [screams.]
- [groans.]
- Oh, God! - Why don't you watch - where you're going? - God, it reeks! Oh, I'm sorry.
I've been here for days.
Get up, get up.
- Ah.
- God, what is going on here? I'll tell you what's going on.
I'm gonna paint you a picture of an honest, hard-working American immigrant doing his job 9:00 to 5:00, and one day, the powers that be say, "Morgan, you're fired.
" Oh, Morgan, so what? You know that we fire you every couple months 'cause we don't want to have to contribute to your 401k.
Yeah, I know, but guess what? This time I wasn't re-hired.
Wait, who did this? I'm not gonna say who did it 'cause I don't dime, but his name starts with a J and it ends with Y.
It was him.
I didn't fire Morgan.
Now that I think about it, there's two people with the name J and ending in Y.
Sorry, Jeremy.
What a waste of time.
I should have said Jody.
Jody? Oh, hey.
You cannot fire Morgan, all right? He's a good nurse, and we need his Jack Nicholson impression for the hospital skit night.
Yeah! You do! Hey, you have to let Colette do her own thing.
She's a grown woman, Jody.
She's 28.
48? 38? Okay, you know, I can't tell with that one.
Would you want your little brother to live with Morgan? - Of course.
- Absolutely not.
Because you would suspect that his apartment is just an extension of Morgan himself loud and rotting from the inside.
Hey! My inside rot has nothing to do with this.
Talk to this man, please.
Okay, all right.
Look, Jody, you and I both know that this place probably sucks.
What? No, I can hear you.
It's good.
I'm telling you, it has wall-to-wall floor.
And that's what I'm telling him.
- I got to do it my own way.
- All right, fine.
For whatever reason, your sister wants this.
So you can at least take an hour and go out and look at it.
Then at least I can say I tried.
I'll look at it.
- Thank you.
- Yeah! Hey, Dr.
How was the wedding? You didn't do the worm, did you? I did.
And his grandparents loved it.
Why were his grandparents there? Because it was his brother's wedding.
Hey, did you hear about Morgan and Colette wanting to live together? Hold up.
Back, back.
Your third date was his brother's wedding? Okay, Dr.
L, you know I was on Team, "Eh, Give This a Chance," but I think I'm switching to Team "Nuh-Uh, This Bryan Guy is Weird.
" Actually, his name is Bryant.
That's another cool thing I learned from this weekend.
Why would a normal, good-looking guy want to move so fast? You're not going anywhere.
Tamra, what do you want from me? When you're a single mom, which you will never be because that is racist, it's not like there's guys pounding on your door.
But you have to at least do your research on the guy.
I tried.
His name is too common.
There's a million Bryan Greens, and most of them are just pictures of Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox sunbathing in the nude.
I mean, we could look at those.
Did you look up Bryant Green, because apparently he was engaged to a woman named Theresa, and he never got married.
Yeah, I know.
He told me that.
Yeah, well, did he tell you they just broke it off two months ago? Oh, my God.
I'm still wearing nail polish from two months ago.
We're gonna have to get to the bottom of this, and we're gonna go straight to the source.
This right here is the media room.
Probably going to take out that wall, that wall, take out the ceiling maybe.
And it's super-safe.
There's smoke detectors in all the rooms, locks on all of the doors.
Now, locks can be dangerous.
What if you fall asleep on the toilet? Wouldn't be the first time.
We'll take the lock off the door.
Yeah, we'll take the door off the wall.
Also, I'll be in there with her, probably.
- Yeah.
- Brushing my teeth.
Well, I can't say I'm wild about the neighborhood.
Awful lot of shawarma carts.
But I can see you want this.
I say yea.
Yeah! Yeah! - High five.
- All right, all right.
Oh, you know what this means? - Both: Housewarming party! - Oh, oh, oh.
Well, perhaps I could take you out for pizza and a Co-Cola to celebrate? Oh, God, I got to I got to pack, and there's so much to do.
Of course, of course.
I I'll just go home, make myself a little salad.
- Okay.
- Remember Spuds MacKenzie? - Oh, my God.
- I have, like, 30 posters.
- Thank you, Dr.
- Bye, bro.
We can have just like a bunch of Kathy Irelands - just like hanging - Or, like, a rug.
[elevator dings.]
I don't think this is a good idea, Tamra.
Confronting Bryant's ex at her place of work? Well, of course it's a bad idea for Mindy and Tamra, but we're not.
We're Isabella and Barb.
Am I Barb? I know that I'm Barb.
Oh, my God, Tamra.
This woman is a big-time venture capitalist.
Look at this place.
If security comes, I'm gonna run.
I'm not getting tased again.
That cannot be good for me long-term.
We're not gonna get tased.
Just let me handle this.
We're Isabella and Barb van Amsterdam.
We're here to pitch a business idea to Theresa Miller.
Uh, do you have an appointment? We don't have an appointment.
Just an incredible opportunity.
It's a line of nude underwear.
I'm sorry.
She's very busy.
- Of course, yeah.
- [whispers.]
T-t-t-t Nude underwear for women of color.
One moment, please.
Okay, so right now the industry standard for flesh-colored underwear is somewhere between Kate and Rooney Mara.
It's like every morning when I wake up, my underwear drawer is telling me I'm not important.
That is the most empowering underwear pitch I've heard today.
I'd love to invest.
Well, we need to know a little bit more about you.
Well, we're a mid-level firm with investments ranging Not so much about your firm.
More about your personal life.
Have you ever been engaged? What was the guy like? Who ended it, you or him? Wait, I know you from somewhere.
Have you ever cleaned my house? What's that, bitch? Oh, wait.
You're dating Bryant.
Oh, my God, that's me.
I had fallen asleep during "Spotlight.
" I hope those nosy journalists got what they deserved.
"Dear Tess, I'm sorry that my last voicemail was so frantic and long.
" Bryant: I'm doing much better now.
I actually met somebody.
I hope seeing me with another woman doesn't give you second thoughts about your decision to end things.
[camera clicks.]
Mindy and Bryant: Love, Bryant.
Oh, shit! Okay, I feel that I have been misrepresented.
Bryant and I have only been on three dates.
I'm beginning to think this isn't about venture capital.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is all a part of our vetting process.
So, what happened between you and Bryant? Well, we started dating freshman year.
When he proposed, I said yes, and then I realized he was the only person I'd ever dated, and I wanted to see what else was out there, so I broke up with him.
Oh, so now Bryant's trying to prove to everyone that he's moved on, so he'll just date any old thing.
I thought that Bryant liked me for me.
Not just because I was a souped-up version of his ex, no offense.
I got to go talk to him.
Come on, Tamra.
Let's go.
Take the waters.
Try some carrots.
Dug them out of the earth this morning.
Go nuts.
I never thrown a party before, but I think this party is awesome.
I think it stinks! The eighth grade jazz band you hired, they play two songs.
Okay, I can't hear "The Pink Panther" again.
Talk to them, please.
[doorbell rings.]
All right well, they have a lot of pizzazz.
Okay, well, I can't hear that song again.
It's making me crazy.
Hello, everybody.
Hi, how are you? - Hi! - That's what you're wearing? - Okay, I don't need this.
- Oh, oh, no, no, no, no.
So sorry [murmurs.]
It's supposed to be like a classy party.
Like, I'm wearing I'm wearing a matching vest and pants.
It's not that great.
Well, it's better than what Dr.
Reed's wearing which is like straight-up gym clothes.
Your apartment's really nice.
Not a million dogs everywhere.
I don't see any garbage.
Aw, thanks.
The dogs are in their room.
They're watching, uh, "Beethoven's 2nd," starring Charles Grodin.
L, we need to talk.
Your boyfriend was the first person here and immediately broke a chip in the salsa.
Didn't even fish it out.
- Wait, he came? - Mm-hmm.
- To this? - Yeah.
Yeah, at, like, 4:00.
We were still in our bathrobe.
Oh, my God.
There's my girl.
I love your friends.
Jeremy and I made plans to go for a walk when the weather gets nice.
Uh, okay, this is weird.
I have to talk to you.
- Come on, let's go.
- What? Come in here.
Oh, for God sakes.
Sit down.
Excuse me, pop off.
- Hey, hey.
- What? Why are you here? Um, because it's my girlfriend's co-worker's housewarming party? I'm not gonna miss that.
Listen, I know that you were engaged two months ago.
I met Theresa.
You met Tess.
How's she doing? She looked awfully sunburned in those Instagram photos from her girls' trip to Cancun.
Okay, her tan was obviously perfect, like ooh-la-la.
I think you still have feelings for her.
No, I don't.
I'm totally over her.
I just I just follow her on social media to see what a loser she's turned into.
Bryant, nothing would make me happier than if a successful, handsome guy like you were actually interested in me.
But you're not.
I think you are still in love with your ex.
And listen, I've been there, but fast-tracking our relationship is not gonna help you.
How am I supposed to find someone as good as Tess? What if settling for you is my best shot? Okay, we're both nines, so I take issue with your logic.
But I'm not gonna sit here and help some good-looking guy in their 30s lament their dating prospects in New York City.
I'm actually about to turn 30.
Okay, how dare you? How dare you be in your late 20s? Meanwhile, I'm 35 with a kid and a bad personality.
I'm never gonna date again.
I guess you should go.
[gentle music.]
[all dogs barking.]
I'll say, a lot of people thought this wasn't going to be possible.
- But we did it.
- We did it Oh, no, no, no, no! Aaaaaah! [commotion.]
Cinnamon has ringworm.
Don't touch Cinnamon! Keep playing this is not what you're being paid for.
None of the dogs have their shots.
Keep that adorable bastard away from me.
- Oh! Hey, everybody.
- Hey My brother's here.
So whoever's sitting in the good chair, get up.
What's up, bro? - Uhh! - Oh Listen, I wanted to thank you for your patience with me as I adjust to this new situation.
Change is difficult for me.
Well, I appreciate it, and you're welcome here any time, bro.
We can have a sleepover and prank call girls we like.
Well, I don't know that we need to sleep over, as I have rented a place upstairs.
What? Yes, last night, as I was taking soup in the second dining room alone, I realized this is too much space for one man.
No freaking way! - [dogs barking.]
- Colette, language.
This is just what I was worried about.
I'm fine.
You're the one with the problem, you know that? We shouldn't be living together at our age.
You know that "Grey Gardens" runs in our family.
Honestly, I think that you use living with me as an excuse to avoid a real adult relationship.
And take your stupid wine.
I don't know how to open it.
Colette! Hmm.
Guys, go in that direction.
All right, guys, do me a favor.
Something up-tempo and fun.
One, two, three, four.
["The Pink Panther Theme".]
Not that.
Thank you so much for the ice cream.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I I understand you love your hot fudge.
Listen, about what Colette said earlier, I am not scared to live alone because I am not alone.
I I have a stuffed owl in my study.
Thank you.
And Murgatroyd and I will be fine, so Okay.
I believe you, Jody.
Actually, it'd be kind of easier to bring home women now that you're not living with your sister.
I beg your pardon? You know, now you can be as loud as you want.
You know, when you're having sex.
You can be like, "Oh! Waitress I just met! "Oh! I'm close! Hit me, hit me.
I'm coming 'round the mountain.
" Stop.
Stop it.
This is my neighborhood.
Jessica Seinfeld lives right there.
Jerry Seinfeld lives there? Yeah, well No soup for you! Please.
I beg you.
I beg you.
Please stop.
I don't know how Bryant puts up with you.
He actually doesn't put up with me anymore.
We broke up.
I'm sorry to hear that.
It's fine.
I'm just starting to feel like the only way a normal guy would be interested in me is if he were crazy.
No, no, Mindy, that is not true.
Yes, you dress like the Hamburglar.
Yes, you eat burgers like the Hamburglar.
But I'm not worried about you, Mindy Lahiri.
You'll be just fine.
Well, this is my house.
- This is where you live? - Yeah.
I thought this was the Iraqi Embassy.
This whole building? Just the third floor.
The sundeck is communal.
But A-Rod is always out there.
What the hell is wrong with Colette? I wanna live there.
Well, you want to spend the night? In a guest bedroom, of course.
There are eight of them.
You have eight bedrooms? God, you can do whatever you want to me.
- Bye.
- Good night.
[upbeat rhythmic music.]

Previous EpisodeNext Episode