The Mindy Project s04e24 Episode Script

My Kid Stays in the Picture

1 [imitating train.]
Mail, mail All right, I got your magazine, bill, bill, cease and desist, adult catalogue.
- [gasps.]
- And this Oh, my God.
The $150 every year that I pay for "Showbiz Digest East" is finally paying off.
Okay, I got a patient hooked up in there, but I kind of want to hear this.
"Tides of Tomorrow," only the best soap opera ever made, is casting for a biracial baby.
Guess who I'm the mom of? Okay, um, I'm just gonna say this.
Being a child star is not all it's cracked up to be.
I mean, when I was a child, I was trapped in three different wells.
Never even got an agent.
Morgan has accidentally made a good point.
Child actors don't always turn out so well.
Look what happened to Leonardo DiCaprio.
He just won an Oscar.
But it took him a really long time.
Hey, Morgan, I need you to get some baby lifts for Leo before his audition.
Just find the store where Danny gets his Colette? What are you doing here? Morgan and I are switching the doctors we assist.
I'm with you, and Morgan gets my stupid brother.
Yeah, what is going on with you and Jody, anyway? We're not speaking at the moment.
We happen to disagree about how boring a loser his girlfriend is.
Yeah, brothers can be annoying.
My brother Rishi and I are not speaking right now, because he won't admit that I'm hot.
So cool.
Where's my lunch? I'm a nurse.
I don't get lunch.
I take people's vitals and then keep them calm with my chill-ass bedside manner.
Okay, sweetheart.
[clears throat.]
I have come to expect kind of a more holistic approach to how I am served.
- Okay.
- Can you handle that? Yeah, totally.
I can do that.
- All right, I like it.
- Yeah.
Now brush my hair.
200 strokes.
Righto, boss.
[instrumental music.]
Oh, what are you doing? Just it's it's your midday brushing, and I just I got to do it right now.
All right.
- I don't need you to do that.
- Okay, all right.
You're free to go on about your normal medical duties.
Okay, but what do I do when I'm finished with my medical duties? That would be up to you.
But just, um just try not to stand on this side of the desk.
I hear you, but you know what? I actually I have to stand here, just so I can be at your beck and call.
You won't even notice I'm here.
- Well - Just go ahead.
[nut cracks.]
I'm like a ghost.
There it is.
[hip-hop music.]
Leo, these babies are so professional.
That one's wearing a CAA onesie.
Mommy might have to find the casting couch.
[clears throat.]
It's your baby's first audition? Is it that obvious? This is actually the first time for both of us, if you have any tips.
Actually, I'd recommend rouging his cheeks so he looks a little rosy in his audition.
Here, this is what I use on my Noah.
He didn't get cast as "E-Trade Baby's Ethnic Friend" by looking all pale and washed out, so - That was him? - Yes.
- Very nice to meet you, sir.
- [chuckling.]
No, no, no.
God, no.
Yes, but not for this.
Too Asian.
Not Asian enough.
Drooling too much.
Uh this one, and this one.
[muffled yelling.]
I did it.
I mean, he did it.
My son did it.
To be clear, he used my hot genes, but oh, my God.
Everyone, we need to celebrate.
Colette, I need you to get a cake.
I need the cake to say "Break a leg, Leo.
" Then, I need you to get a photo of him and put it on the frosting.
I already have to go to Chinatown to get your breast growth cream.
Yeah, and hurry up, by the way.
I already feel them shrinking.
Yeah, we were all talking about that.
Mindy, did I did I hear that Leo scored a TV role? Yeah, "Tides of Tomorrow.
" Leo's going to be on "Tides of Tomorrow"? I love that show.
Yeah, we're excited too.
So is Leo prepared? Prepared? He just has to sit there and not cry.
I'll probably put a little Jaeger on his gums before they say "action.
" Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
There's much more to acting than that.
Mindy, if Leo is fussy on set for even a second, they're gonna replace him with the next pretty young thing.
Well, they did cast two babies in the role.
Well, maybe you could use the help of one of the stars of "Law & Order: SVU.
" Oh, my God.
You were on "SVU"? Yes, yes.
I played "Fondled Man.
" And you were so good.
Do your line.
[New York accent.]
I don't want to talk about it.
I have a wife and kid.
- Um, that was amazing.
- Was it? Do you think you can come over later tonight? - Of course I can.
- Great.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
Leo has an acting coach.
Wait, Dr.
Reed, do your other line.
This isn't supposed to happen to me.
- I'm a carpenter.
- Yes.
Come on.
Ooh, how's it going? How am I supposed to get this photo on the cake for Dr.
L? Oh, yeah, no, that's the least of your problems.
You know she refuses to eat round cakes because there's no edges that have extra frosting, right? But I got to tell you, I love working for your bro.
He gave me this thing called a "break.
" Mm, good for you.
Where is he, anyway? Hanging out with Fartney? Relax, okay? They drove out to the outlets.
Courtney needed more Yankee Candles.
What? The only thing he hates more than Yankees is candles! [groans.]
Oh, my easy.
Oh, for God sake.
Child acting is much more about the parent than the baby.
Couple of tips.
First, don't act starstruck.
When I was on "SVU," and Mariska was five glorious feet away, you know I wanted to fangirl out.
You didn't grab at her? But she's famous.
How did you resist? Well, I remembered I was there to do a job, and I laid in that shower, and I cried, just like the script said.
Damn, you are professional.
Here is the most important rule: don't cause drama on set.
You're there to support Leo, nothing else.
Okay, so just to fade into the background and be ignored? I do that at nightclubs all the time.
Now, the most important baby is the "hero baby.
" He'll be the one used in the majority of the shots.
The other baby is the backup.
- [cell phone rings.]
- Oh, excuse me.
- I got to take this.
- Okay.
Now Hey.
Did you get my sext? Was it too gross? No, it was just gross enough.
Hey, listen, I'm about to leave.
I thought maybe I could get up there a little bit early, and we could hit one of those museums you aren't banned from.
Why don't you just come here instead? We can celebrate.
Leo got the part in the soap.
What? No way.
Hey, that's great.
And, best part is, Jeremy is teaching him how to cry on cue.
But a boy is what you got, Mother.
It's all about truth.
It's incredibly moving stuff.
You know, why don't we just wait till another night, then? I don't want to come over there and interfere with you guys prepping Leo for his big day.
You wouldn't be in the way.
You could help us rehearse.
It's fine; I'm gonna be up there in a couple of days doing some recruiting stuff, so we can just get together then.
Okay, yeah.
Great, okay.
Well, tell Leo I said good luck tomorrow.
So northern English is like that, all right? It's a bit more sort of common, right? It's Billy Elliot.
He's a scamp.
He's a good, charming lad, right? [exaggerated British accent.]
If you've got to use an accent, you could have just asked me.
Get out.
Okay, scales.
La la la la la la la You.
[upbeat music.]
Wow, Leo, so many amazing things have been shot here.
A Boston Market commercial, reshoots for "Sex and the City 2.
" Get ready to take your place in Hollywood history.
Have you seen so many plaid shirts in your life? It's incredible.
All right, so I'm just gonna have you guys wait in here, and wardrobe will be by in just a few minutes.
Thank you.
Hey, Kathy.
Hey, girl.
Welcome to the green room.
Yeah, we hang out here all day.
And later, some extras will come by, and they will take a shower with that bottled water.
Very cool.
Come on, let's show the babies to the showrunner.
This is it, Leo.
And try to improvise some lines if you can.
Hey, don't feel bad if my Noah ends up the hero baby.
He's got a lot of experience.
He was the face of colic for Mount Sinai Hospital.
Oh, my God.
So Leo is gonna be our hero baby.
We're gonna go ahead and get him through the works.
What? Oh, my God, Leo.
Oh, my God, Leo, you did it.
You're gonna to be famous.
Don't forget about me, and don't let me steal all your money.
I love you.
[dramatic music.]
I waited for you as long as I could, but I had to return to our lives here in Sedona.
Someone had to run Santangelo Industries.
I've had enough of that damn corporation running our lives.
We don't need it.
It's time you learned the truth.
I haven't been taking Desmond Jr.
to the tanning salon.
He is not your son.
- And cut.
- [bell ringing.]
- Wasn't that incredible? - Yeah.
Hey, I just want to say, I hope you're not bummed they didn't pick Noah.
No, good for Leo.
He's obviously really talented.
Talented, great genes, the mom factor.
- It's a lot.
- Okay, everyone.
We got that.
Moving on! Next scene is the boat crash.
I need galoshes on standby! [scoffs.]
Another boat crash? Give me a break.
Is something wrong? They did a boat crash on this show, like, a month ago.
It's how the twins got amnesia and woke up as each other.
Yeah, that that that's really important.
You should probably tell somebody.
I don't know.
My friend told me to keep a low profile, and I already stole this bag from wardrobe, so Yeah, well, if you're not gonna say something, then I think I probably should.
That could be really embarrassing for the show.
- Hey, come on, Noah.
- No, no, no, no.
It's my idea, my idea.
I'm gonna do it.
Someone? Someone from the script department? Or a grip? A focus puller? Dr.
My main man.
The best doctor ever, looking fly in that suit.
Oh, sure.
I was wondering if it would be possible for me to work with you and for Tamra to take over for Dr.
I'll make it worth your while.
In home repair, not sex.
Yeah, that's that's pretty clear.
- Oh, okay.
- Here's the thing, Colette.
Tamra and I, we have such a close rapport.
You know, when I tell her to do something, she immediately tells me why she's too busy to do it.
I mean, can't you go back to working with Jody? Not while he's dating Barfney.
This feud has to stop.
It's affecting the whole office.
You know who could sort this out? Your brother Forbes.
Well, Forbes is the ultimate peacemaker.
When he was in Iraq, he got the Sunnis and Shi'a to work together on a town water pump.
They blew it up when he left, but still.
Well, Forbes isn't here, you know, and this feud has to stop.
All right.
You and Tamra can switch duties.
Thank you, Dr.
You are so awesome.
[upbeat music.]
Excuse me.
Hi, you're Gabe Mueller-Green, the head writer, right? I'm Mindy.
My son is one of the babies.
Oh, cool.
He's adorable.
I'm a huge fan.
The episode where Piara got locked in the cage? Ah, perfection.
Emmy all over it.
Thanks a lot.
We've had that cage sitting around.
We've been trying to use it for months.
Wow, that's so smart.
You know, I actually noticed a little thing in the script.
Sure, I'll sign your script.
No, um You have Marguerite getting injured in a boat crash, but the same thing happened last month.
This is a boat crash.
That was a shipwreck.
Pretty different when you think about it.
Really, 'cause they they feel pretty similar to me.
I'm a writer too.
My erotic memoir "Tussled Sheets" was printed out at a Kinko's, so Oh, well, cool.
Appreciate it.
- Yeah.
- Thanks very much.
You're welcome.
What a nice guy.
He took my note.
What's next, directing? Nah, that's a man's job.
Soup train coming through.
- What up, Colette? - [gasps.]
Aw, damn, Tamra.
You made me spill my soup.
I'm covered in chicken nood.
Aw, do you not like surprises? 'Cause I don't.
Like when I found out someone took my job with Dr.
Oh, yeah.
Is that all right? No.
I'm not working for Dr.
She's crazy.
She made me go to her high school reunion as her.
She's not that bad.
If you catch the stuff she throws at you, you get to keep it.
- We're not switching.
- [sighs.]
Yes, Tamra.
I'm back working for you again, okay? Wonderful.
Sorry for any confusion.
How about an extra hour at lunch for your troubles? Tight.
- Morning, guys.
- Hey, Dr.
How'd Leo's big day go? It was amazing.
Guys, I think my son is a celebrity.
This morning, he trashed his crib.
Hey, Jeremy, thank you so much for your help.
It was an honor to introduce a fellow thespian to his instrument.
I can act too.
"I like my job.
" - See? - Okay, well.
Guys, his episode airs today, so we are having a viewing party.
Colette, you're gonna take care of it.
We're gonna need hot eats, cool treats, cocktails, mocktails, and the show takes place in Arizona, so Arizona theme.
So, like, John McCain? I don't want to be involved in the process.
Just read my mind the way that Morgan would've.
- Old people.
- Pool noodles, meth.
- What - Quietly.
[cell phone rings.]
- Hi.
- What up, Coach? How's recruiting? Well, I met a great left tackle.
Now I just got to keep him from joining the marching band.
How's it going with you? Well, Leo and I are hosting a little viewing party for his episode at work.
You should come.
Colette's making a baked brie.
COLETTE: What? Well, I got an early morning meeting tomorrow.
I got this campus group trying to push us to make our fight song less aggressive.
- How about a rain check? - Oh.
Okay, yeah, sure.
Just please try to catch his episode.
Oh, of course.
You kidding me? He's already my favorite soap star, with zero competition.
All right, come in.
Hey! What do you think? I finally got all the decorations up, and I got the baked brie right on the third try.
I love it.
I don't want the baked brie anymore.
I think it's just gonna be really heavy, and I thought we could do, like, a Mediterranean platter.
A little baba ghanoush, fattoush, flatbread.
You can put that on my desk, though.
I'll eat it for dinner.
I can't do this anymore.
You don't need a nurse.
You need a wife.
I had a wife, and his name was Morgan.
He was a frickin' angel, and he got taken away from me, and if you don't like this, why don't you go work with Jody again? What's the big whoop? Courtney's fine, and she's definitely a step up from the other women he was sleeping with.
College skanks, tequila reps, his sister-in-law What? Oh, my God.
You knew about that, right? Oh, that that Jody had an affair with Anne-Marie? Our brother's wife? I knew that.
I knew the hell out of that.
Oh, thank God.
I'm just gonna go see about those appetizers.
Thank you.
Oh, and I want mini-quiches, but, like, the big kind.
Can't hear you.
- [knock at door.]
- Hey.
You busy? Well, if it isn't Colette, here to beg me for her job back.
Excuse me while I make myself comfortable.
[door slams.]
You know how I said there was no other person in the world who was worse for you to date than Courtney? Yes, and so does Courtney.
You said it in front of her.
Well, I was wrong.
Ah, Colette.
I knew you'd come around.
I was wrong, because sleeping with our brother's wife is worse.
Way worse! Okay.
Okay, everybody, be quiet.
It's time for Leo's scene.
Are you as nervous as I am? I can barely keep down my scone.
Where are Jody and Colette? Ooh, they're not coming.
I've arranged for them to have a little visitor.
It's time you learned the truth.
I haven't been taking Desmond Jr.
to the tanning salon.
[dramatic music.]
He is not your son.
Wait a second.
That isn't Leo.
Now that's a baby.
I can't believe they used the other kid.
Shh, some of us are still trying to watch.
Who's gonna run Santangelo Industries? [instrumental music.]
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Colette, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.
Our our brother was away in Iraq.
Anne-Marie was very lonely.
I was very aroused.
[knocking at door.]
No Morgan, not now.
[door opens.]
Then I guess I'll just go back to Kimball's Hollow.
Both: Forbes? Hello, siblings.
You want to tell me what all this fighting's about? [stammers.]
Jeremy was right to call me.
This is worse than I thought.
But, Colette, I think you're in the wrong.
Why shouldn't Jody have a girlfriend? He's been so good to both of us.
He took such good care of my Anne-Marie while I was away in Iraq.
Oh, he took care of her real good.
Thank you for repeating my point for clarity, Colette, but you're acting like a brat.
Come on, now, Forbes.
I think that might be a little harsh.
No, you're too soft on her 'cause she's the baby.
Mother let her get away with just about anything, including dressing up like Shaft during Halloween.
Well, but she won a prize at the church party.
"Can you dig it?" - Remember? - No.
Now, Colette, I won't let you treat your brother this way.
There are worse ways to treat a brother.
Colette, you're acting very strange.
What are you trying to say? I'm not saying anything.
- Nothing.
- [door slams.]
Jody, what has gotten into her? Kimball-Kinney women don't go insane until their 40s.
I can't believe you gave a note to the head writer.
I don't get it.
Who wouldn't want friendly criticism from someone outside of their profession? Writers are sensitive creatures, Mindy.
But my friend Kathy, the other mom, said that it was a good idea.
"Friend"? What was number nine in my rules of stage mommery? 10-1 is pee, 10-2 is poop.
That was eight.
What was number nine? Stage mothers don't have friends.
They just have enemies Both: They haven't stabbed in the back yet.
That bitch set me up.
Jeremy, I need a vendetta day.
Where are my brass knuckles? No, no, no, no, no.
Leave it, okay.
You're clearly not cut out for this.
I don't know; maybe Leo can get into something less challenging.
So much for dreaming big.
Guess he'll just have to be a stupid doctor like us.
Jody, I know you're upset, but she'll be fine.
She'll go to her CrossFit gym, and she'll push a couple of truck ties around.
Yes, I suppose so.
Jody, I also want to thank you for the good care you took of my Anne-Marie while I was overseas.
There's no need for that.
It was it was my pleasure.
Not my pleasure.
It was my duty.
I knew that no matter what my Anne-Marie needed, you were there to give it to her good.
All right.
Forbes jeez.
There's something I got to tell you, something you're not gonna like.
While you were away, Anne-Marie and I What are you saying, Jody? It's Leviticus 20:21.
You lay with your brother's wife? Yes.
Can you ever forgive me? Oh, no.
That's between you and the Lord, Jody.
Thank you so much.
- I - Shh, shh, shh.
You're gonna want to get a new island in the kitchen, because it has been tainted [groans.]
Dang, you look worse than when Daddy tried to put me in my Easter dress.
Is there someplace private we could talk? - Yeah, come on in.
- Thank you.
Sleeping with Anne-Marie is the worst thing I ever did, and I once shot and ate a bald eagle.
Courtney's an adult.
She's not on her parents' cell phone plan.
She's got her own printer.
I just wish you weren't so jealous.
I am not jealous of her, and I am jealous of a ton of stuff: Beverly's knife, Dr.
Lahiri's massive hands Well, then what's the problem? You deserve more than just a normal girl.
You deserve someone awesome, like Jessica Rabbit or Brandi Chastain.
I do not deserve anyone like that.
Hey, guys? I enjoyed listening to this when it was juicy, but now it's just sad and boring, okay? Why are you even in bed at 8:00? 'Cause I don't have plans tonight, okay? And I'll thank you not for bringing it up.
Oh, I tell you what.
We found this great kid today.
Boy, he'd be a great running back.
He wants to be a rabbi, but I think we can flip him.
Hey, what's wrong? You're barely eating my food.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm still thinking about "Tides of Tomorrow.
" Oh, yes.
Leo was so good.
- What? - Yeah.
So talented.
I get it, you know? I I understand why you're trying to get him into the business.
Drew, Leo wasn't on the show.
They used another kid.
Are you sure? I think it may have been him.
You think I can't recognize my son? Yes, I took home that Greek boy from daycare one time, but they have the same olive complexion.
It was confusing.
How could you not watch? I'm sorry.
I was working out, and I forgot.
It was leg day.
Look, I don't want to make a big deal about this, but how could you forget? You know how important it was to the two of us, and I don't want to bring this up, but I felt like the other night, you didn't want to come over because Leo was here.
What? That is absolutely not true.
I put in my time in with Leo over the weekend, and I figured, you know, I'd like to have a little time to focus on the two of us.
Drew, I like you a lot, but I can't be in a relationship with a guy who thinks he's "putting in his time" with my son.
He's the most important person in my life, and I want to be with someone who's as excited about him as I am.
I don't know what to say.
Hi, Mindy.
Go away.
I'm very humiliated.
I broke up with my boyfriend, and my son will never win a Golden Globe, and I don't want to talk to anyone right how.
All right.
Oh, my God.
What happened to you? Oh, no.
Did you ask Tamra about her hair? You're not supposed to ask black women about their hair.
It was just a little tiff.
I just wanted to tell you that I saw "Tides of Tomorrow," and I was very disappointed not to see little Leo in it.
You watched it? I watched it on my home computer.
I must say, it was very difficult to navigate the network website.
I had to register.
I saw the same Lipitor commercial three times, and then to top it off, I see they've cast some kid without an ounce of Leo's star power.
I know, right? Thank you for saying that.
Well, it's nothing but the truth.
These Hollywood phonies don't know anything about acting.
I think little Leo should stick with it.
He's a special boy, and I think he might Wild hungry arms Wild hungry arms You give me all the love I need Girl, you say you want it And I have no trips about it And these played-out faces around me Want you to know where they go But they ain't got nothing on you To say I'd open your mouth for me Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh
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