The Mindy Project s05e01 Episode Script


1 Previously on "The Mindy Project" I need to meet her, because if I keep feeling this way, I don't know that I can stay with Danny.
- Come on in, ma'am.
- It's great to meet you.
- I'm Doctor Lahiri.
- Oh, hi, I'm Mara.
Oh, Danny didn't tell you? We're engaged.
I hope you can come.
You haven't told the mother of your child you're engaged.
You have not moved on.
[elevator bangs.]
- What happened? - It just it stopped.
Hello? Hello? Okay, stop.
Stop screaming.
It's a school on a Friday night.
- No one's here.
- I'm gonna miss my flight.
Did anything ever get serious with the girls you were dating? You go back to her Danny, what are you thinking about? And I go back to It's okay.
Imagine, Mindy, this whole place was yours.
You had all the space in the world for little Leo.
Jody, I can't afford this place.
No, I bought it for you.
It's a normal thing to do for someone I might possibly be in love with.
And I go back To black Mindy.
Mindy, you didn't answer me.
So what do you think? - About what you just said? - Mm-hmm.
Or the apartment? Or my irreverent take on pop culture? I will never see the new "Ghostbusters.
" You know how difficult that was for me to say, right? Kimball-Kinneys do not confess romantic love.
Familial love? Fine.
Love between a man and his horse? Sure.
I've even kissed the Georgia state flag more than once.
What you said and getting me this apartment I mean, that is the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for me.
Kind of the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for anyone.
- Whew.
- So thank you.
And honestly, I am super attracted to you.
- Oh.
- You are handsome and rugged.
Like a lumberjack in a porno.
Great, well, to the bedroom, then.
To the door for now.
- Oh.
- This is a lot.
And I'm not a particularly thoughtful or analytical person, so I need some time.
- You understand.
- Yes, yes, of course.
We waited this long.
Why rush it? [chuckles.]
For the first time, our timing is right.
It's not like either one of us have someone else in our lives keeping us apart, so - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Both: Bye.
[upbeat music.]
This has been the strangest day.
One man gives me a new upstairs.
Another gives it to me downstairs.
And here I am, caught in a love triangle the sexiest of all shapes.
Jody or Danny? Danny or Jody? Jody is genteel and kind.
Danny is getting married? What the fu [hip-hop music.]
Yes, yeah, hold on a second.
Hello? What is wrong with you? Oh, you got the invite.
You're getting married, Danny? Look, I can explain.
I met someone, and we're getting married.
Hey, man, that explanation sucks.
- Yeah.
- [whispers.]
Danny Castellano.
I was having sex with you in an elevator six hours ago.
My mouth was having sex with you seven hours ago.
Look, it's not my fault.
You were acting all sweet.
You got me hopped up on that sugar candy.
You're dressed like Madeline from those kids books.
I couldn't help it.
You never even mentioned this Sarah person before, and now you're getting married to her? Really, you had plenty of time to tell me in that elevator.
I knew it was wrong, but come on, Min.
Like the sex wasn't gonna happen? You and me in an elevator, trapped all night? Our thing was never really deep conversation.
But now you've turned me into an adulterer, Danny.
And I'm barely an adult.
I have done some bad things in my life, okay? I lie about my age.
I pick at the Whole Foods hot bar.
Sometimes I sneeze in it.
I once took a brooch off of a dead woman at a funeral, okay? But I am not an adulterer.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Well, who is she? Her name is Sarah, and she works at my practice, and we started dating a few months ago, and it got serious.
That's so fast.
I was seven months pregnant, and you didn't want to propose to me.
And then I really wanted to marry you, and you ruined my life.
- I ruined your life? - Yeah.
I gave you a beautiful son and jerk-off material for a lifetime.
Is the ring huge? Not as big as yours, if that's what you're asking.
Oh, God, what is wrong with me? What's wrong with me? I got to tell Sarah and call off this wedding.
I think telling Sarah is the right decision.
You're right.
I'm gonna tell her tonight.
So it's settled.
I'm gonna tell her.
But since we're both here and it's basically the same day I mean, I did tell you everything that I needed to tell you.
And I haven't taken a shower yet, so And from a religious standpoint, we'd just be piggybacking on the first sin.
- Right? - Mm.
Mm, whoa, whoa, hey, hey.
- What? - Hey.
- What? - Stop being sexy.
- Okay? - I'm not being sexy.
Hindu gods do not like adultery, and I want to get reincarnated as something cool, like a ladybug or a race car.
I'm already on thin ice.
Just call me when you've spoken to Sarah.
You go.
I'll talk to Sarah.
- Catch up later.
- To be continued.
- Okay.
- Good-bye.
I'm gonna go.
Okay, you sure you don't want to just - I'm gonna go.
- You want to stay? - Okay.
- You gonna go now? - Both: No, no, no.
- You should go.
You should go, and then I'll find you once I talked to Sarah, which is gonna be tonight.
- Nice to see you.
- Great to see you.
[upbeat music.]
Big day.
Decide who I'm in love with and convince everyone I spent the weekend in Miami.
Did anyone RSVP to Dr.
C's wedding? I did.
I hand-delivered it.
It's just more personal.
Plus, I get to keep a stamp.
Danny's getting married? I didn't get an invitation.
- Were you invited, Colette? - Yeah.
But I'm not trying to get with his baby mama.
But I could.
Maybe I'll use the envelope to write Dr.
C and tell him how excited I am about the wedding.
Do you feel any loyalty to Mindy? She's gonna be devastated by this news.
So you're not going to the wedding? Yeah, obviously, I'm going.
I never get invited to anything.
I was turned down by the Chili's birthday club.
It's just, I feel so bad for her, Tamra.
Just to be clear, not bad enough not to go to the wedding.
Hey, everyone.
Back from Miami, as evidenced by my 100% official Dan Marino Dolphins jersey.
Wait, but this tag says "New York Sports.
" It's a national chain.
You know, there could be one in Miami.
I have never been more convinced of anything in my life.
Enough about the Miami trip that I definitely went on.
What's happening with you? The little people? I want to know.
Everyone's real worried you're gonna lose it because Dr.
C's marrying a white woman.
I'm excited for the wedding.
- Even you got invited.
- Yeah.
I'm reading a poem by Pablo Neruder.
Okay, well, you know what, guys? That's ridiculous.
I mean, of course, I was a little shocked at first when I heard, but you know what, the wedding is months away.
Who knows if it's even gonna happen? Uh, it better happen.
I just spent $2,000 on a tuxedo I cannot afford that is not my size.
I wish you made better financial decisions.
What better decision is there than a $2,000 brown corduroy tuxedo? I'm sorry hello? Ah.
Well, you know what, guys? I'm very happy with my personal life right now, so I'm gonna go start my day.
Damn, Jody! You have got Dr.
L on the hook! Ugh! She was all smiling at you.
- All googly-eyed.
- She was.
You guys this weekend, I bet, are gonna be like, - "Uh uh-uh.
" - Oh.
- "Uh-uh-uh.
" - All right.
Right there.
Like, "Bam.
" Like, "Bam.
" Like what? - Like what? - Okay.
Oh, I can't get You know what I've said about your erotic pantomimes.
Although she was very smiley, wasn't she? Mm-hmm.
I thought she was giving me dough eyes.
You know, the way she looks at cookie dough.
When you first told me that you bought Dr.
L an apartment, I was like, "That is really thirsty and emasculating.
" - Thirsty? - But it worked.
So props, bro.
What's next? Well, I am using the classic Kimball-Kinney seduction technique heat up a woman with a romantic gesture, then back off.
Let it simmer.
Works for soup too.
- I'm so proud of you, big bro.
- Thank you.
To be honest, I was getting worried about you.
I thought you might kill yourself out of loneliness.
Oh, my God.
You know, like all of our uncles.
Well, good thing I'm happy, then.
I'm so relieved.
I'm gonna call the groundskeeper.
I'm gonna tell him to seal up that mausoleum.
We don't need it.
Oh, Jody.
Just right there.
Tamra, I'm thrilled that I'm getting to teach you this medical billing software.
It makes processing invoices as easy as brushing off a harmful insult.
[phone ringing.]
Shulman & Associates.
This is Tamra.
Thank God you called.
This is Dr.
Lionel Green from Bleeker Quaker.
Leo's school.
I need to speak to Mindy Lahiri.
Oh, she took a whole "Vanity Fair" into the bathroom.
It's gonna be a minute.
But I would love to talk.
My boss is showing me a manual.
"Hit F3 to automate the medical code filing.
" - Oh, yeah.
- It's poetry.
This is in regards to Dr.
Lahiri and Dr.
Castellano being locked in our elevator on Friday night.
No, Friday night? She was in Miami on Fri She did tell me she saw a manatee but used too much detail to describe it, like it was fake, talking about, "He measured up to 4 meters long.
" I-I can't speak to that, but she was here on Friday, and our lawyers have advised me to extend our apologies without admitting any culpability, which I have now done.
Oh, hey, Tamra.
What's Dr.
L's first name? I'm gonna need to know it if she becomes my sister-in-law.
I don't know.
And I don't think you need to worry about it, 'cause I don't think she's gonna be your sister-in-law.
What? Oh, because she's tan? It's fine.
My daddy's other family is tan too, so No.
It's because Dr.
L and Dr.
C were hooking up this weekend.
No way.
She was in Miami.
Did you not see the Dolphins jersey? Well, what about Leo's principal calling and saying that Dr.
L and Dr.
C were stuck in an elevator all Friday night? Why would she hook up with Dr.
C when she's in love with my brother? And who wouldn't be? He is rugged.
He's got a flat but muscular butt and the sharpest Adam's apple in the game.
- I've seen better.
- How dare you? All right, come on.
We're going to that school - Yes.
- Where I will prove you wrong for the first time in our friendship.
Morgan, why aren't you wearing your scrubs? I have to stretch out my tux for the wedding so I can sit.
I can see everything.
- I don't know what to tell you.
- Yo, yo.
I'm trying to bill this patient of yours, but her insurance isn't coming up.
It was rill frustrating, so I'm gonna need a prescription for weed for my anxiety.
Because [breathing loudly.]
Okay, nice try, pal.
I'd consider a prescription for Adderall, but that's it.
Adderall? What you think I'm trying to do, woman, finish my thesis? Get out of here.
Oh, I remember this patient.
Mara Ashburn, she was weird.
I kind of liked her.
For insurance, she just wrote, "Obamacare, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
" That's pretty strange.
It's like she made it up.
I don't know.
Oh, my God.
That's weird.
My patient has exactly the same handwriting as whoever wrote this RSVP card for Danny's wedding.
I don't I don't I don't see it.
It's different handwriting.
You know what? I think actually your eyesight's gettin' bad.
Maybe the diabetes finally claimed it.
You know what, let me handle this for you.
No, no.
Morgan, it's exactly the same.
Mara Ashburn.
Sarah Branum.
Mara Ashburn.
Sarah Branum.
They're so different, I know.
It's like Morgan and Gorman.
Oh, my God, that's it! Morgan, Mara Ashburn is a Bananagram for Sarah Branum.
Danny's fiancée is my patient.
So Danny's fiancée came to see me under an assumed name? Why the hell would she do that? I don't think it's that weird.
- You know what is weird? - Eh? I recently learned I've been wearing my underwear backwards my whole life.
I thought the slit was a fart chimney.
This is terrifying.
She's gonna kill me.
And you know what? I am going to be season three of "Serial.
" And the worst part is, no one's gonna listen, 'cause season two was so boring.
I'm gonna call the cops.
No, wait! Stop.
Hold on.
It was me.
I'm the one that brought Dr.
C's fiancée into the office.
What? Why would you do that? Doctor Reed knew about it too! Oh, you are in for the pinching of a lifetime.
No, just listen Oh! Oh, God! - Come with me! Come with me! - Wait, wait, slow, slow, slow.
[traditional Oriental music.]
Hey! - [music stops.]
- Konnichiwa.
I'm painting a Japanese fan.
"Kyoto in Cherry Blossom Season.
" - I am mad at you! - No, no, no! Stop! Stop! How could you and Morgan not tell me that Danny was engaged? H-H-Hold on.
We wanted to.
But Sarah made us promise her that we wouldn't, okay, and she's just she's so sweet and pretty, and I just I I get why Dr.
C's in love with her.
Sarah's pretty? Sarah's pretty? - No one's pretty but me! - Hey! Hey! - Watch the fan.
- What were you two thinking? We did what we thought was best.
Sarah was convinced that you were a glamorous sex bot and that you were about to get with Danny.
How am I glamorous? A police horse licked my hair today.
Exactly! We just we had to show her how plain and nonthreatening you are.
And, look, by the way, as long as there's nothing going on with you and Dr.
C, it doesn't matter.
Yes, of course nothing's going on with me and Danny.
I mean, that would be crazy.
We are Doctor Lahiri's legal counsel.
A woman of color was falsely imprisoned in your broke-ass elevator for an entire night.
She had no food.
She had no water.
She had no dignity.
This could be a $50-million lawsuit and a bad Yelp review.
Oh, no.
This is worse than when we had Robert Durst read from his children's book.
We've been doing this for hours.
There's nothing here.
Wait, is Danny stripping? Hit Play.
He's just peeing.
C is so normcore.
This is so boring.
I thought for sure they hooked up.
See, Tamra? I told you.
Nothing happened.
Why are you making that face? That's your "ooh, that's nasty" face.
Ooh, that is nasty! No! No! Make it stop! Jody.
What do you do when you feel guilty about something? Well, I usually just donate to the NAACP.
Why do you ask? No reason, I just I have spent so much of my life thinking that I was the protagonist in my own movie that I never stopped to think that maybe I'm the villain in somebody else's.
Well, you're certainly not the villain in my movie, Mindy.
You're the amusing ethnic second lead, like that wonderful Oriental boy in "Temple of Doom.
" - Shorty? - Hilarious.
I'm obviously that Indian priest who rips the guy's heart out.
Great, now I'm hungry for heart.
No, I'm actually I'm not talking about you.
I'm talking about Danny.
Oh, you did everything you could to make that relationship work.
You even had a baby.
And that usually makes things last a couple years longer.
Guess what.
Turns out Dr.
L wasn't in Miami at all.
She was too busy hooking up with Dr.
C in an elevator.
Get up, Jody.
You are sitting next to a home wrecker.
Everyone, just relax.
I didn't know that Danny was engaged when I slept with him.
Pretty disappointing, yeah, my friend? I would never hook up with Dr.
I would hug him all night, kiss that little forehead.
Oh, what a time we would have.
Hey, who did that help to say that? - I don't know.
- And Jody is never gonna forgive you.
He takes a grudge to the grave.
[clears throat.]
Going by the strict laws of Southern morality, which are proudly engraved in stone outside the courthouse, Mindy has done nothing wrong.
She was unaware that I'd purchased this apartment before her innocent elevator dalliance.
Thank you, Jody.
You see? I am blameless, for what is probably the first time in my entire life.
But we were going to slut-shame her.
Who can we slut-shame now? - [knocking.]
- Yep? Hey, Dr.
I need you to sign something.
- Okay.
- A boat loan for me.
Ugh, fine.
But don't sink this one.
So which one are you gonna pick? I don't know.
Ten-piece McNugs.
Quarter-pounder with cheese.
Big Mac.
Truth is, I'll probably get all three.
No, Dr.
K or Dr.
C? I think those are their names.
Well, it's a good question, Beverly.
Danny makes the most sense.
You know, I care about him.
We have a son.
Our sex life is great.
And that's the most important thing in life.
Except he slept with me and he didn't even tell me he was engaged.
Plus, we broke up for a reason.
K it is.
He's got a huge wiener.
Yeah, I really like Jody.
He's such a good friend, and he's a great business partner, but honestly, I don't feel a spark with him.
Well, you need a spark.
That's what kept me and Bernie Sanders together for so long when we lived in Moscow.
You're saying pick neither? Beverly, are you insane? I'm a single mother barreling towards 40.
I should pick one of the rich, handsome doctors that will have me.
Why? I should be happy with whatever I can get.
I mean, picking neither would be irresponsible.
If neither one of these guys is right, wait for someone special to come along.
Until then, get escorts.
Or crank it.
So don't operate out of desperation.
That never occurred to me.
I'm bored talking about this.
Could you just sign the damn thing so I can get my boat? Yep.
Both: Hey.
How'd Sarah take it? Is she coming to kill you? Is she coming to kill me? No.
No one's killing anybody.
- What are you doing with this? - It's my machete.
Danny, you know that's the only thing that can cut through the corns in my feet.
Danny Trejo actually signed it for me at Comic-Con.
I didn't tell Sarah yet.
What? Why not? Min, I need to know what what's happening with us right now? I mean, if we get back together, is it gonna be different than what it was? Because I'm gonna be honest with you.
I can't go through that again.
Yeah, me neither.
So are you willing to change? Am I are you willing to change? No, I don't want to change.
I don't need to change.
Well, I don't think I need to change either.
And that's what I thought, so it's, uh It was worth a shot.
What we have, what's between us, it's it's you know, it's Hot as hell.
Sexual dynamite.
Stuff that creams are made of.
Interracial porno.
- Something like that.
- Sexual volcano.
Think about you in the shower sometimes.
Yeah, I love you.
I love you too.
[melancholy music.]
So what happens now? Uh, it means I guess I'm getting married.
Danny, I don't think that's a good idea.
Maybe it isn't, but you don't have to worry about it.
I need someone to take care of me, and for whatever reason, you don't need that anymore.
But I do.
I should go.
I got to pick up Leo at Ma's.
[pensive music.]
[Sia's "Elastic Heart".]
[electronic music.]
Well, I've got thick skin And an elastic heart But your blade, it might be too sharp I'm like a rubber band Until you pull too hard I've got an elastic heart [panting.]
Did you run here? In the rain? In a bra that fits? Damn it, I didn't have time to put on my padded bra before I left.
This is not representative of my real rack.
Look, Jody.
I need to talk to you.
All right, I Holy shit.
- This is your apartment? - Yeah.
It's like the friggin' Smithsonian.
Actually, I lent the Smithsonian a few pieces.
All right.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
Look, you're wonderful.
I love having a business with you.
And I care about you so much.
And I care about you.
Wow, they are much, much smaller than they are at work.
It's a good thing I have a healthy imagination.
I can work with this.
Let's get inside.
- Let's get inside.
- No.
- Just stop one second.
- Come inside.
I have to tell you something.
I can't be with you.
You've reconciled with Danny.
Well, he is the father of your baby, so I respect your decision.
I'm not getting back together with Danny.
I just I want to be by myself for a while.
So there's nothing that's keeping us from being together, but you're choosing not to be with me.
Can we still be friends? - No.
- Excuse me? No, I will not be your friend.
A good friend would've fallen in love with me, not led me on for months and then discarded me like bones on a plate of your hot wings.
I think I've been a great friend.
I helped you get into your first real relationship.
I helped you dress cooler.
You know how to use chopsticks now.
Even an okay friend would've had sex with me after all the time and money I spent wooing you.
Okay, well, I'm very surprised by this reaction.
Go on, git.
Take your small breasts with ya.
The rain makes them smaller! [melancholy music.]
Mindy! Mindy, wait! Wait.
I just want to say one more thing, and that's New York! Avoid this woman! - Do not buy her an apartment! - No.
She will pretend she likes you, and then she'll decide she wants to be alone! - Ahh! - Hey, stop it! - Does that hurt? - Okay.
All right.
Run! Get to running, you crazed harlot! [car horn honking.]
You could've had a white boyfriend! Ahh!
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