The Mindy Project s05e03 Episode Script

Margaret Thatcher

1 Oh, he finally stopped crying.
Thank you.
So, how did that happen to Leo? I couldn't really understand from your message.
What? I thought I was very clear.
I got stuck under my own butt trying to do yoga, and Leo tripped when he was running to get help.
Yeah, no, you were clear then.
Well, it's just a bump.
Nothing a Popsicle can't fix.
I love Popsicles.
Hey, look, just one favor.
Don't tell the nurses I was here.
We can't hang out with the doctors during the strike, especially not you.
I mean, no offense, but you're not well-liked.
I ain't well-liked? Okay, you know what, I have a solution to your problem, sir.
Why don't the nurses end the strike and get your lazy asses back to work? Lazy? I've just been picketing for 12 hours before I came here.
Look, I don't wanna fight.
It's clear we're on opposite sides of this.
I think we should be paid a living wage.
You think that we're Commies that need to go back to Russia.
Agree to disagree.
Just please don't say anything.
Yeah, I'll keep your precious secret, Jason Bourne.
For the record, it's not such a great look for me to be hanging out with a nurse.
People could get mad at me, all right? It doesn't matter.
I'm probably never gonna see you again.
Hey, Leo shoved a nickel into his ear and he won't let me take it out.
I need it to get to my gumballs.
- Okay, yeah.
- Come in, come in.
How do I cut his nails without him freaking out? He's a straight-up Wolverine.
Oh, no, Wolverine actually has bone claws coming out of his knuckles, and then adamantium You don't care.
Where is he? Come in, come in.
Crowd: [chanting.]
Come on, docs, negotiate! One, two, three, four.
Nurses need to make some more.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Come on, docs, negotiate.
One, two, three, four Can you believe these nurses? Asking for more money for the same job they've done for years? Who do they think they are, the cast of "The Big Bang Theory"? Crowd: [chanting.]
One, two, three, four! Nurses need to make some more! Five, six, seven, eight What's that look? I know that look that's the look you gave when we walked past that Latino pick-up basketball game.
Or when I wear my skinny jeans to work.
No, no, no, guys! I was just smiling because I was thinking if the strike continues for long enough, it's really gonna ruin the nurses' Christmas.
Good point.
Yes, you'll be eating boiled boots for Christmas dinner! [laughter.]
Boo, boo! - Run! - Oh, my God! [shouting.]
Stop it! Boo! [mouthing words.]
I'm sorry.
Boo! [music.]
Hey, Jeremy, this strike is getting real old, okay? I got more eggs on me than in me.
Please, as the head of the hospital negotiating committee, I understand that the true victims in strikes like these are always the defenseless rich.
I'll tell you how we deal with organized labor where I come from.
We send their jobs to Malaysia and watch the town slowly fade away.
All right, I assure you a deal is imminent.
Well, it better come quick.
Business is bad and Shulman can't go under.
It's the only job that forgot to do my background check.
I'm sorry.
Are we poor poor? Oh, no, you know what? This is beyond the pale.
And you know what I blame our unnecessary magazine subscriptions.
Jody, does an OBGYN office really need a subscription to "Guns & Ammo"? I believe the right to bear arms begins at conception! I can't.
Yes, the strike has affected business, but we're financially sound.
It's the nurses who are living on borrowed time, like the bloody European Union.
- Yes, Troy.
- So, about how much longer is the strike gonna last, Dr.
Reed? That's another thing, okay? I don't need no randos like Troy here, okay? I need my Morgans, my Tamras, my Colettes.
We present our final offer to the nurses on Wednesday.
All being well, Thursday, we're back to work.
Collette's birthday is Tuesday.
And since the strike's almost done, could I spend it with her? This is the longest we've been apart since I caught her from betwixt Mother's thighs.
Absolutely not.
This is our most delicate hour.
We must remain strong! It's hard for us all without the nurses here.
Who am I supposed to gab about "Dance Moms" with now that Tamra's not around? Well, if this is almost the end, I just want to thank you all for the opportunity to Shut up, Troy! Just shut up! Morgan, I've been picketing for 12 hours, I'm starving! You know how easily I lose weight.
This morning I almost blew away.
Okay, you know what? I don't know what to tell you.
Someone decided it would be a good idea to use my eating eggs as throwing eggs.
I guess we could eat the throwing eggs? - I don't know.
- Look, I know that it's hard.
I had to take a side job at Dave & Buster's.
Do you know how many drunk guys play Whac-A-Mole with their penises? Too many, but we gotta keep fighting.
Yeah, I took a job as a dog walker.
Do you know how humiliating it is to do something for money that you're supposed to do for love? And without Jody to curl my hair each night, I'm a monster.
Yesterday someone thought I was one of the Hemsworth brothers.
Look, I hear ya, but with any luck, we can get an acceptable offer by Thursday and we can go back to work with the dignity that we deserve.
Guys, it's all about dignity.
It's all we have left.
Oh, God, my toenail fell off.
Both: Eww! Tam, can you help me get it out? No! You're warriors, we're fighting, we're gonna kill 'em! Not literally.
Morgan, why do you have a picture of Dr.
Lahiri on your fridge? I have a picture of her in every room in my house, Doc.
- Why wouldn't I? - Oh.
Amazing doctor, my mentor, my best friend.
Why do you ask? What? Uh no reason.
I just saw the picture, thought it was kind of weird.
You think that's a weird picture? I have one of her under a fluorescent light that will chill you to the core.
It's next to my bed, come here, two seconds.
Uh, next time.
Gotta head to my shift at Dave & Buster's.
Oh, can you get me a job there? - I'm a felon.
- No time.
- Got you.
- Take care.
Reed! Oh, uh, yeah, Beverly! Thank God! I-I-I found that cigarette of drugs and I didn't know what to do with it.
You're getting high? You're cool? I thought you were a loser.
I'm not cool! I'm freaking out, man! These negotiations are killing me! I've got no nurses, I've got thrice the workload.
Do you think I enjoy going down to Little Colorado to buy that? - Oh, God! - Okay.
Hey, why does it smell like Rishi's apartment when he watches "Planet Earth"? That's just our fearless leader smoking cannabis.
Can't say I'm surprised, what with a Clinton headed for the White House.
Well, I'm sorry, but it's either that or completely give in to my stress-related alopecia.
I'm becoming Mr.
Potato Head as it is.
Ah! Oh, my God! I'm sick.
Plus I've been having chest pains.
Sure, the strike has been hard on all of us.
Without the nurses, I have to pour my own bourbon.
My hand's not steady enough for that.
But you told us, "Stay united.
" Yeah, but I didn't realize the nurses would be even more united.
Ugh, I thought I was Maggie Thatcher in her prime, but I'm more like Quintin Hogg.
Quintin Hogg is Okay, we know who Quintin Hogg is, okay? The Lord Chancellor under Margaret Thatcher.
We all went to your stupid one-man show.
You gotta pull it together, man.
You're right, Mindy, as long as the nurses remain ignorant of our situation, we have the upper hand.
We must remain vigilant in our separation! - Oh, God! - [gasps.]
Well, we should probably go now.
Hello, yes, what sort of women's golf themed birthday cakes do you have? Well, that sounds perfect! But don't mention my name.
The cake should say, "Happy birthday, Colette, love, your anonymous brother.
" Hold, please.
Hey, who were you on the phone with? Can you talk? No one I was, well, it's a bakery, birthday cake bakery.
They make other things too, but they specialize in birthday cakes for men.
Okay, you know what, it doesn't matter.
I need you to cover a patient.
I have to go home early.
My nanny called.
She said that Leo has a raisin stuck up his nose.
This is why I like a fruit-free home.
We're all busy with the nurses gone.
Can't you just text the nanny and ask her to remove it? [phone alert chimes.]
There soon.
Leo will be fine.
I gotta go meet my nanny and no one else.
Thank you, Jody, bye.
I apologize for the wait.
Hello? Thanks, Bridget.
Good night, Leo.
Good night, buddy.
So, I don't understand, you're a doctor.
If you knew this raisin was stuck up his nose, why didn't you just take it out yourself? I can't.
My fingers are huge look at them.
They can't fit up nostrils, they're like bratwursts.
You know, I'm starting to think these house calls aren't for Leo.
They're for you.
Huh? Oh, please! You think I need a man to come into my house and do things for me? I have Leo.
He kills spiders for me.
He thinks they're delicious.
No, that's not what I mean.
[quirky music.]
What? You like me.
Ex-squeeze me? You keep inviting me over here because you're attracted to me.
Attracted to you? I'm sorry, sir, you're a nurse, I am a doctor.
We do not exist in the same realm, okay? You're like a chimney sweep and I'm like Mary Poppins' hot OBGYN.
Okay, princess, so if I was to kiss you right now, you'd hate that.
If you were to kiss me, I would be so disgusted that I would kill myself.
Then I would come back as a seagull I'm Hindu, by the way and I would fly into a jet engine.
[sentimental music.]
I hated that.
I hated that.
Yeah? That sucked.
Is that why your hands are still on my butt? Oh, God! Oh, God! I'm sorry, I I just, I lost my balance, I needed something to hold onto.
Let me know if you have any more dry fruit emergencies.
- [door shuts.]
- [whispers.]
Oh, damn it.
Whoa, hey, everyone needs to calm down.
You know what, we are not allowed to talk to Dr.
L, but I'll tell you this much, we can walk right by her house.
Look at that, look at that right there.
That's where she kicked me out.
She said, "If I ever catch you napping in my bed again, I'll kill ya!" Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's Ben.
He's the one who told us we're not supposed to hang out with the doctors.
What is he do [gasps.]
Oh, my God! They're knocking Crocs! [dog barks.]
How are you not impressed by this? Meanwhile, you see a squirrel, you won't shut up.
Whatever, you know what, why am I even talking to you? Let's go.
Oh, what a day, am I right? I got some food.
You know, I'm gonna pop in right there.
- Where? Right here? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, jeez, there's not a lot of room.
Ah, great! There's a chair right there.
Ben, my man, I got you some chips.
I think you're gonna like 'em 'cause they're from "Traitor" Joe's.
There you go.
Thanks, Morgan.
Colette, I'm so excited about your birthday party.
Not excited enough to get you a gift, but still excited.
Yeah? [high-pitched.]
Yeah, it's gonna be dope.
- Gonna be so dope.
- Who's all coming, by the way? Is Ben-adict Arnold coming? No, he's dead.
It's just gonna be my softball team, girls from the bike shop, and, of course, my brother.
What? No, no, no, no.
That's a really bad idea.
Jody has to come! He'll be the only person there who isn't trying to get me in bed.
You guys, the doctors' final offer is in two days.
Until then, we all need to be like old white guys on election day unified.
Yep, we all need to be unified.
In fact, let's make a vow that none of us start dating any of the doctors, okay? I know I won't.
Morgan, for the last time, the doctors aren't trying to date you.
- They're trying to study you.
- Can I have a word with you - outside, please, in that room? - Only if you give me a chip.
- Please come with me.
- Give me a chip.
- Fine, fine! - Give me a chip.
You take the bowl! Close the door behind you.
Okay, all right, okay.
Just invite Jody to your party, man, all right? He can help me tie my tie.
I can't do it I hung myself last time.
Ben said I can't, and Ben is basically my coach and I always do what coach tells me to do.
Okay, well, you're coach is straight-up Frenching on Dr.
My boxing coach? He doesn't have time for a dalliance! He should be focusing on Tokyo 2020.
No, Ben and Dr.
L are hooking up.
And don't take my word for it, ask Noodles.
- [dog barks.]
- [gasps.]
Yeah, need I friggin' say more? Hi, sir.
I'd like three pepperoni slices blended into a smoothie.
I'm juicing.
Okay, don't look at me like that.
It's a perfectly normal thing to order, okay? - Get to it.
- Yeah, okay.
Hey, could I get a slice of veggie, please? Ugh.
Veggie? Yuck.
Next time you force me to kiss you at least you could have pepperoni breath.
Oh, it looks like someone's been thinking about our kiss.
The kiss was fine, okay? Mostly because I did all the work.
Kind of like what I'm doing now while you guys are out doing cardio all day.
You know what? Picketing is not a party for us.
Our feet are covered in blisters, and we gotta be nice to all these dirty hipsters who are there to support us.
We'd rather be back at work, helping our patients.
Then why don't you just get over yourselves and sign the deal tomorrow, all right? I need my nurses back.
The office doesn't run the same without you.
So you need us.
I didn't say that! I don't need them.
What I need to do is get back to my job, which is bringing life into this world.
So, have a nice day being unemployed.
Forgot your pizza.
Thank you.
I normally eat salad, but I'm anemic.
[clears throat.]
[country music.]
Well, hello, my sweet, sweet Colette.
- Come here.
- [groaning.]
This isn't a straight bar, you perv! [groans.]
Or correct bar, you brave trans-man.
Jody! But what about the strike? Screw the strike, get over here.
[upbeat music.]
Oh, thank God! I'm me again.
We'll take a birthday photo and send it to Mother in the lobotomatorium, but then I should go.
As a doctor, I shouldn't be here.
Oh, Jody, relax.
A doctor going to his sister's birthday party is nothin'.
L's smushing on Nurse Ben.
What? She turned me down so she could be by herself, and now she's with another? I'm sorry, Colette, you're gonna have to feed yourself cake tonight.
There are matters afoot.
Ugh! - [bird chirps.]
- Ah, Roger, Roger.
Final negotiations with the nurses tomorrow and I'm feeling pretty relaxed, thanks to this adult coloring book.
[knock at door.]
Jody! Sorry to arrive unannounced, Jeremy.
I brought you a to-go margarita, but I drank it out of anger.
Hold on a second.
Cowboy hat? Bettie Page handstamp? You were at Colette's birthday.
I thought I saw you in the back of some instas.
I assumed it was maybe Jane Lynch.
Jane and I were both there, but I have something far more scandalous to tell you.
Mindy's been betraying our cause by consorting with a pediatric nurse named Ben! Whoa, um, Ben? He's on the nurses' - negotiating committee.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, God, our ranks are crumbling.
I know, it's terrible, isn't it? Makes what I did seem pretty forgivable, wouldn't you say? Well, she's gonna tell the nurses that we're in disarray, and that I'm a weak leader, and the negotiations are tomorrow.
Yeah, she's really cooked our goose.
Hey, since we're screwed anyway, you mind if I go back to Colette's birthday party? [groaning.]
My heart! Roger, call 9-1-1 like I taught you.
- [bird squawks.]
- Jeremy? Jeremy! Oh, poor Jeremy.
I feel terrible.
I am really sorry I gave you a heart attack.
That's all right.
I kind of knew it was coming from the moment I met you.
Okay, guys, look.
I was not fraternizing with the enemy.
At least, I don't think so.
What's fraternizing? Then how do you explain Morgan seeing a nurse come out of your apartment? And don't say he was from Postmates.
Postmates banned you for overuse.
Okay, guys, it's true.
Ben, the nurse, was in my house.
But it was just because there was something wrong with Leo.
Okay, so it was professional.
That's not so bad.
Come on, now, Mindy's never been professional in her life.
To that point, I will say there was some incidental mouth-on-mouth touching.
Oh, God, here we go again.
Lube the paddles.
Come on, come on, come on.
It was just a kiss, okay? Nothing more.
Largely because my sheets are disgusting and I didn't want him to see them.
I didn't tell him anything.
One of you is going to have to replace me on the hospital negotiation committee.
Okay, who's it gonna be? Fine, I'll plead our case.
I'm an excellent negotiator.
I always pick the movie our family watches on Christmas Day.
"Bridge of Spies," no complaints.
Thank you so much, Jody.
And you really think you can look your sister in the eye and reject her demands? I think I can be objective and not give my darling Colette all that she wants, all that she deserves.
I can look into that sweet, cherubic face and deny I might have to recuse myself.
- Oh.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
All right, Mindy, that leaves you.
Do you think you can represent our cause in the boardroom? Oh, no, guys, I am not good at negotiating, okay? One time, I bought a date with myself at a silent auction.
Right, well, you're our only choice, okay? And no negotiation necessary.
The offer is final.
All you have to do is make sure the nurses don't leave the room without signing.
Now, look, if you think it'll help, take my Thatcher pearls.
No need.
Guys, I just have to sit there and be quiet? I'm hella good at that.
That's why I'm such a good Peeping Tom.
Wish me luck.
[light music.]
The room where it happens.
I'm Hamilton as hell.
Where's my genius grant? Oh, hi, Dr.
Ledreau! Oh, Mindy, glad you could join us.
You know, if a woman is good for anything, it's wringing every last dollar out of some hapless sucker.
Am I right or what? [chuckling.]
Oh, yeah.
But the deal we're offering the nurses is fair, though, right? Fair? I hope not.
I didn't pay all these lawyers to make it fair.
Shh, here they come.
Oh, I know that guy.
Look at 'em fish in a barrel.
Blam! Blam! Blam! Okay.
So, you can see, we've agreed to a very generous 3% raise over four years, and one union parking spot at the Brooklyn campus.
Now, that's a good deal.
It's not, but I appreciate you trying.
All right, who's got a pen? Wait, you're signing it? Yeah, we don't have a choice.
We can't afford to keep going.
We've got house payments, car payments, children.
We owe it to the patients to get back to work.
They need us more than we need two weeks paid vacation, so congrats.
You win.
[phone buzzing.]
It looks like you got a text, I think.
Yeah, I'll just check it later.
I don't know, I think you should check it now.
Don't sign the deal! What? Why? - [phone buzzing.]
- Son, hurry up and sign! My girlfriend gets her bandages off today.
I'm just double checking all of the legal jargon.
Doctors are falling apart.
Jeremy's heart legit exploded.
Hold out and they will cave.
Are you sure? They seem so calm.
Oh yeah? Look under the table.
They're so nervous it's like f'n Riverdance with their feet down there.
[phone buzzing.]
Oops! [chuckling.]
Dropped my pen.
Whoa, you weren't kidding.
Also, you aren't wearing any underwear.
Morgan does my laundy, we are not speaking.
Look, if your name's too hard, legally you can just make an "X.
" You know what? This deal is terrible.
We're not signing anything, and we're prepared to wait as long as we need to get what we deserve.
What the hell? Hey! Mindy, how are you doing? How were the negotiations? I hope they went well.
It turns out my surgery is not covered by insurance.
Apparently, English frailty is a pre-existing condition.
Well, you know, I will say that I think the negotiations went great.
Oh, oh, thank God.
It went great for the nurses, I meant.
They got everything they asked for almost everything, I'm not sure.
They kicked me out for ruining everything.
Let me tuck you right in.
What are you talking about? I didn't follow your instructions 'cause - No.
- I had a crisis of conscience.
No! - Ah, Mindy, my chest.
- Oh, no.
Oh, my God, I'm having chest pains.
No, you're being theatrical, you're fine.
Mindy, call the doctor.
Actually, I can't 'cause they're all really mad at us right now.
But I can get you a nurse, 'cause they love us.
- Okay, don't die.
- Mindy! - I'll be right back.
- Mindy! [all cheering and clapping.]
Yay, it's so good to have a job again.
Unemployed people in Manhattan just talk about cold brew coffee and "Mr.
Robot" all day, it's awful.
Oh, God.
Hey, I am so excited to see you, and I have something for you that is even better than a gift.
Oh, errands? I haven't run an errand in over a month, and you need eye-bag concealer.
What's going on? My eyes are perfect, stop, stop, don't guess.
It's a hug.
Like a real hug where my breasts push against your chest.
Just don't get a boner.
Too late.
Well, it's official.
Absolutely no good came from this strike.
All the doctors hate me.
I've been kicked off the hospital ballroom dancing team.
Oh, yeah, Dr.
Reed, we just wanted to say we're sorry you got what you deserve for fighting our strike.
Thank you, Tamra, that means a lot.
See, Jeremy? All this time you thought you were Margaret Thatcher.
Turns out, you were an even better Prime Minister.
Oh, uh, Winston Churchill? Huh? Who dat? No, Hugh Grant, from "Love Actually.
" - Ohh.
- Oh, yeah.
Another great movie, "Taken," starring Liam Neeson, also in "Love Actually.
" Get back to work.
Back to work.
I love you.
Ben? What are you doing here? I know the nurses' deal is good, but I still don't think you can afford this neighborhood.
I came to see you.
Oh, to thank me for my selfless act.
Oh, I guess I'm not the rich, entitled princess you thought I was.
I'm more like the hooker with the heart of gold, - and hot bod - Will you shut up? And great No, I didn't come here to thank you.
Then why are you here? It turns out I've been thinking about our kiss.
A kiss? Did we kiss? Oh, I forgot.
Oh, you forgot? Well, maybe I should remind you.
[sentimental music.]
- [dog barks.]
- Pfft.
Handsome nurse lands temperamental doctor.
Look at that, Noodles, look.
Look, you little pervert.
See, what you do is licking.
That's a kiss.
Those two are falling in love, I'm talking to a dog.
Everyone's happy.
All right, come on.
[dog barks.]
Let's get back to the subway.

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