The Mindy Project s05e06 Episode Script


1 Anyway, Friday will be a half day so we can all get ready for Danny's wedding weekend.
So book your waxing now.
I barely got an appointment with my girl.
It sounds like Dr.
C is dropping hella bills on this wedding, y'all.
I'm talking harpist money.
They're gonna regret that open bar.
Hey, let's ix-nay on the wedding talk, okay? Not everyone's going.
JEREMY: Mindy, we are so sorry.
It must be devastating thinking about how happy Danny is.
- Someday, girl.
- Guys, I'm fine.
L, you don't have to put on a brave face.
We heard you crying in the bathroom.
Okay, I was crying in the bathroom because I dropped my phone in the toilet again.
I'm happy for Danny.
We've both moved on.
Good for you.
Now Dr.
C can get his blushing bride, and you are gonna go on one of those spinster cruises to the Galapagos.
You're gonna meet a bunch of old gals.
You're gonna have fu oh, maybe you fall off the rail.
- Big lawsuit.
- I have a serious boyfriend.
Okay, and I am not going to the wedding because I thought that would be weird for Sarah and Danny, but Leo's going as the world's cutest ring bearer.
Nepotism! Sorry, I have a cold.
I BEN: All right, Leo.
Come on.
Bring me the rings.
MINDY: Oh, Leo.
Come on, Sweetie.
Okay, this is totally my fault.
We should have been practicing for weeks, and instead I let him watch that O.
Are you gonna be all right this weekend? I can get another chaperone for Lindsay's volleyball tournament.
No, I'm gonna be fine.
Thank you for offering.
Just gonna order some Thai food, gonna do some laundry.
I might take that pill that I found on the floor.
No, you won't.
You never do laundry.
That's true.
[knocking on door.]
It's Grandma.
She's here to take you for your wedding weekend.
Nice to finally meet you.
I'll learn your name if you stick.
- Okay.
- Where's my little ring bearer? Enchantée.
- Ben.
Nice to meet you.
- Dot.
Currently single, but not looking to stay that way.
ANNETTE: Leo looks small.
Is he eating? If he doesn't eat, how will he be big and tall like his dad? - What? - I'm sorry.
How tall do you think Danny is? Tallest in his second-grade class.
That's how tall.
He played Abe Lincoln in the Christmas pageant.
That's our tallest president.
Okay, well, you know what? If Leo kisses the flower girl, can you just please give him a treat? Okay.
You know, Mindy, I'm really sorry about this whole mess.
Even though you brought this on yourself, having your son's dad marry someone else is pretty crappy.
I should know.
- She doesn't like the new one.
- Mm.
At least you never let Danny push you around like this one.
DOT: Oh, I don't know.
Some people like being pushed around.
Well, if it doesn't work out with Mindy, - I'll let you know.
- Oh, baby.
Hey, cool it.
All right.
It was very nice to see you again.
I'm gonna get my son.
MAN: M! HOST: Yes.
Two M's.
MINDY: Oh, man, is "Wheel of Fortune" getting harder or am I getting dumber? [phone dinging.]
HOST: Yes, two O's.
JEREMY: Danny's bachelor dinner is quite fun.
Beverly's speech was surprisingly moving.
- You doing okay? - [sighs.]
MINDY: I have $100 of barbeque on the way.
I'm perfect.
Stupid Jeremy.
Doesn't need to check up on me.
I don't need to go to a wedding to get drunk and make a fool of myself.
I can do that right here.
DANNY: You keep telling yourself that you're fine, but you're not.
Who's here? I have a gun.
And I don't know how to use it.
DANNY: Come on, Min, you know who it is.
Danny? DANNY: Right behind you.
That's it.
Getting warmer.
Getting warmer.
You're burning up.
Oh, my God.
Is this photo talking to me? DANNY: Damn right I am.
Look, Min, we got to talk.
Hey, man, this is really, really strange, okay? DANNY: You know what's strange, Mindy? Ending it with me.
Biggest mistake of your life.
That's debatable.
DANNY: Oh, I'm sorry.
You're right.
You're doing great.
Drinking alone and eating full-fat popcorn out of a SkinnyPop bag.
- Who are you trying to fool? - You know what? I don't need to hear any more of this, all right? Enjoy the trash can, you stupid photo.
DANNY: Wait, what are you doing? No! Wow, there's a lot of candy wrappers in here.
Ah! Ah! Ah! [music.]
MINDY: Ah, there's a demonic presence in my home.
I'm gonna need holy water, garlic, a Catholic priest.
Wait, no, Danny loves those things.
DANNY: I'm in here too.
Ah! Get out of my bedroom! I've actually never said that to a man before.
Where are you? Come on, come on.
DANNY: There you go.
Hey, you did this to yourself, you know.
MINDY: What? We were all wrong.
We were like peas and carrots.
Barf city.
DANNY: Really, because all you ever wanted was to be married to a rich guy.
I loved you.
I challenged you.
I did that thing to you in bed you liked.
You liked it more.
DANNY: Now you're sitting here alone while I'm getting ready to be - happy for the rest of my life.
- You know what? I don't need your chilling observations right now, photo.
I am fine, okay? And I'm gonna show everybody just how fine I am.
Okay, I'm I'm going crazy.
I got to get out of my apartment.
I just need to get out of the house and clear my head.
I know, I'll listen to some tunes.
[sad music playing.]
Nope, too sad this is the song I sang when they banned me from Michael Jordan's Steak House.
I'll try public radio.
That'll bore me.
MAN: I'm Ira Flatow.
Tonight on "Science Friday," we look at how female regret can lead to brain tumors.
What the hell? Why is there nothing to listen to? I'm so lame and miserable.
Lame and miserable? I'll just sing the entire "Les Miz" musical to myself.
[clears throat.]
Look down, look down Don't look them in the eye Filling the darkness With order and light I've done no wrong Sweet Jesus, hear my prayer You are the sentinels Do you hear the people sing Singing the song of angry men Whoa.
I'm at my parents' house? I'm in Concord, Massachusetts? How long have I been driving? I guess I really was transported by the sound of my beautiful voice.
Mom? Dad? Is anybody here? Ow! God! Why did you hit me? I said "Mom"! That's what a robber would say! RISHI: Mom, why you making so much noise? Your sister broke into the house.
RISHI: Damn you, Mindy.
I was up there having a dream that I was hooking up with a mermaid.
I was dressed like Prince Errk and everything.
Um, what the hell, you guys? I come here in the middle of the night, clearly in the need of emotional support, and I get full-on Tom and Jerry'd.
Oh, I'm sorry, beta.
Is this about Danny's wedding? I figured you might be emotional.
I mean, I thought I was fine.
And then some not-very-cool things started happening to me, pretty psychedelic, actually.
And I took nothing.
I mean, except, like, an Ambien and Red Bull.
And then I drove and drove, and I wound up here.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
Let's get you upstairs.
RISHI: Man, this sucks.
The golden child stumbles just as the prodigal son steps out of the shadows.
SONU: Stop it, Rishi.
You're both perfect.
I'm better.
[knocking on door.]
- SONU: Wake up, darling.
- [yawning.]
Hey, Mom.
Did you bring me breakfast in bed? No.
MINDY: Oh, no.
Dad isn't doing it, is he? He sucks at it.
He always makes the hollandaise too salty.
No, Baba's not here.
He went to one of his gem shows - in Nashua for he weekend.
- What? So what is your plan for today? Same as always whenever I'm going through hard shit: sleep, cry, watch "Princess Bride," lay in bed all day while you bring me food.
Sorry, beta, I can't just spend my day waiting on you.
But that's your job.
Today's packed; I have to volunteer at the library, then there's disco stretch at the Lexington Women's Center, and tonight I'm having dinner with Priya and Anjuli.
Priya Auntie and Anjuli Auntie? But they're losers, and Priya Auntie has a weird eye.
Mindy, that's not nice.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Her eye is normal and beautiful.
You know what isn't normal and beautiful? My life right now.
Okay, okay, uh, these you can find them at the library.
- Homeless people.
- No! Uh - They're at Barnes & Noble.
- Uh, DVDs.
"Twilight" calendars.
Barnes & Noble gift cards! - Books, woman! It's books! - Books? Why didn't you just say, "These are what - Chelsea Handler writes"? - [verbal shrug.]
- Hey, why are you here, anyway? - [sighs.]
Oh, man.
It got really stressful at DJ school.
So I decided to take some time off and just kind of, like, you know, find myself.
Yeah, well, I wish I had time to find myself, but between raising a son and satisfying my Snapchat follower, I'm pretty worn out oh.
Hey, y'all, it's your girl, Mindy.
I'm a little bummed because my ex is getting married tomorrow.
But later I'm gonna try out the new "Kung Fu Panda" filter.
- Bye! - Oh, man.
That is so hard to watch.
Danny getting married really has you tripping.
MINDY: Yeah, it kind of does.
When we were just broken up and single, I was like, "All right, we're both gonna die alone.
" But now he found someone great to die with.
It's just like, where does that leave me? Are you kidding me? You have your own successful fertility clinic that you started without compromising your own life.
Woman, you could do a TED talk if your voice wasn't so annoying.
Thank you.
Oh, there is literally nothing to eat in here but Indian food! Mom knows I won't eat leftovers.
- Did you call her to complain? - Obviously.
- But she didn't pick up.
- What? Who does she think she is? You know what? She's at Priya Auntie's.
I'm gonna call her.
Oh, hey, Priya Auntie, it's Mindy.
I need to talk to my mom.
What do you mean she's not there? She's supposed to be having dinner with you tonight.
Yeah, yeah, Leo loved the curly Indian shoes you got him.
Look, Priya Auntie, I got to go, okay? I love you.
Guess what, Rish? Mom ain't at no Priya Auntie's house.
Mom went AWOL? Why would she lie to us? [gasps.]
Who is she? All right, first we got to turn on her old-ass computer.
Eh don't touch anything.
I'm 'bout to Mr.
Robot this bi-yi-yatch.
Okay, well, her email's already open.
- We're in.
- Hey, look at this email.
It's from a dude named "Conrad" and the subject heading is "Dinner?" "Dear Sonu, I was dazzled by your audition today.
"The Concord Carlisle Community Theater is rarely graced by such an exotic talent.
" Eww, gross! This guy's perving on Mom! "Before your callback, I thought we could meet to work on the character in a more intimate setting.
I was thinking Bertinelli's?" Both: Bertinelli's? Damn! That's where you go before prom.
I ate so many unlimited rolls I couldn't zip up my dress.
Wait, wait.
She responded? "Dear Conrad, I've been walking on air since the audition.
"I'd love to pick your brain about your time in New York.
Saturday at six? Heart, Sonu.
" [sighs.]
Okay, well, that's where she is now.
But why did she lie to us? Mom's been cheating on Dad.
They're gonna get a divorce.
Where am I gonna have Christmas? MINDY: Hey.
You are being ridiculous.
I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.
RISHI: Yeah, Dad's a loser.
Mom doesn't love him anymore.
Why does he have to buy his jeans at Kohl's? Okay, we all hate Dad's jeans, and I get that you're very upset, but don't jump to conclusions, all right? Let's just go to Bertinelli's and see what's up.
[phone ringing.]
Hey, Morgan.
Is everything okay with Leo? Go put on some pants! MORGAN: Listen, Leo is fine.
I've got an update for you: the rehearsal dinner is amazing.
I just had lasagna for the first time.
Now I know what Garfield's on about.
Hey, man, I ain't got no time for this, all right? I am dealing with the biggest family crisis since Dad's snoring, so you have ten seconds to make this conversation about me or I'm gonna hang up on you.
MORGAN: Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
C, he had a few drinks, and he pulled me aside.
Now, I thought he was just gonna kick me out, but he told me he's been thinking about you, and he thinks he might be making a huge mistake.
Well, okay, I mean, that could mean anything.
You know, grooms always have cold feet.
Checked his feet.
They were warm.
They were sweaty.
Listen, I think if you came here, he wouldn't go through with it.
But if you do come, bring a gift.
We'll say it's from both of us.
Okay, I think I might have to go back to New York.
What? Our family is falling apart.
Plus, I need you to pay for dinner.
MINDY: Rishi, I am very sorry, but something personal came up, and I have to figure it out.
Something more important than your mama? The women who went to a junior high dance with you dressed up as "Cousin Shriv"? Okay, fine, that is some really good guilting.
We're gonna go to Bertinelli's, we're gonna make sure that Mom doesn't get her groove back on, and then I got to go to New York.
Yes! Let's do this! I'm gonna put on some pants! Go put on some pants.
RISHI: Aw, damn.
Mom didn't do my laundry.
There, there, there.
They usually save that booth for Bill Belichick.
My God.
Did you see that? Her coquettish laugh.
The one she uses to get Dad to buy her lawn furniture at Costco.
We may already be too late.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Let's go.
[Mindy clearing throat.]
RISHI: Hey, Ma.
How's dinner with the Aunties, huh? Hey, Mindy, doesn't Priya Auntie look kind of different? Yeah, her eyes are normal, and she's an old white dude with a scarf.
Pssh! CONRAD: Sonu.
Who are these people? I'm so sorry, Conrad.
These are my children.
Uh, I'm sorry.
You're sorry to him? Why don't you apologize to Dad, who is, at this moment, at a gem convention getting lapis lazuli for your bookshelf.
- While you're cheating on him.
- Cheating? I'm here with my colleague to discuss a part in the playhouse's upcoming production.
Oh, yeah? What's the play? Is it a Puccini opera - called "Lying Mom"? - Oh.
CONRAD: You'll have to excuse me.
Drama is my profession, not my hobby.
MINDY: Yeah, you better walk, dude.
And you know what? If you want to cheat with a mom, why don't you go to the Chico's at the Burlington mall? - Ooh, you old.
- Sonu.
If you want to play this role, I would require your complete focus.
I just don't think a housewife trying to manage all this is up to the challenge.
Thank you for paying for dinner.
Mom, real disappointed in you.
RISHI: Yeah, and put a turtleneck on.
My one chance at a truly great role, torn from my fingers by the very children I gave life to.
I curse you! MINDY: Hey, Mom.
Don't curse us.
It's mean.
All right? Why don't you just admit that you were busted, all right? You were obviously gonna cheat on Dad.
- How dare you! I would never.
- Don't you see? That completely proves our point.
Mom, you were ready to throw all of this away for what, one night of passion with Conrad who, for the record, is a con artist, and not very rad at all, ironically.
I wasn't going to have sex.
But I needed the temptation.
- Oh, barf.
- Ooh! You admit you were flirting! Oh, I'm an actress! Every scene is a seduction.
Why am I the only one in this family who's not allowed to pursue her dreams? You're a doctor.
Rishi, you're one quarter of the way through DJ school.
When do I get my chance? - Oh, come on.
- Come on.
You got so much, Mom.
You get to cook and clean for us, and you get to get us dope presents at the holidays.
And you get to pick all the pictures in the family portraits.
Shut up, shut up, you're describing, like, the Taliban.
Okay, listen.
I get it, and I'm sorry that we got in the way of you pursuing your dreams.
You've always helped us pursue ours.
I got to go.
Whoa, whoa.
You're going to New York? No.
Not yet.
I should be, but I'm not.
I'm gonna go help Mom follow her dreams.
Uch, this is Conrad's place? It's like where a witness lives in "Spotlight.
" [knocking on door.]
CONRAD: Oh, look who's rap-rap-rapping at my chamber door.
That's from Edgar Allan Poe's classic poem, "The Raven.
" Well, come in, I suppose.
Did you come here to insult me further? MINDY: No, I came here to say I'm sorry, and I felt it would be best if I did it in person.
CONRAD: Apology accepted.
May I offer you some water? Yeah.
That would be great.
I'm a little parched.
Thank you.
This smells like soup.
I'm cool.
My mother is a great actress, and I would hate if our behavior in Bertinelli's messed up her chance to be in your play.
And I will do anything to make it right.
Maybe I can help you if you help me.
Did you just take a Viagra? No, of course not.
I can't afford those.
This is an herbal male stimulant.
Shall I convert the couch? Oh, my God! You were trying to get my mom into bed! You know what? You're a scumbag.
I'm headed out, and I'm keeping your mug.
In my defense, I'm just a horny old man.
SONU: I should have known he was only interested in sex.
My acting will never be as good as my boobs.
Hey, Mom.
Don't say that.
You're an amazing actress.
I should have just been happy playing servants and trees.
DANNY: Hey, would you hit the road already? Come on! You're running out of time.
Shut up.
This isn't a good time.
When is a good time, Mindy? DANNY: I just want to tell you, I'm slipping away from you.
Tick, tock.
- This isn't helpful! - Oh, I know.
Please just hold me.
MINDY: Okay.
All right, Mom, I I wish I could stay here with you, but I got to go.
I got to go back to New York.
- I'm really sorry.
- That's okay.
I understand.
My life is going nowhere.
Focus on yours.
DANNY: Yeah, focus on yours.
She can take care of herself.
RISHI: You know what, woman? Don't you even worry about it.
'Cause while you're gone, I'm gonna take care of Mom with my sick beats.
Hey there, girl, I know you, your name is Sonu.
I know you feel alone 'cause the old white man - tried to jump your bone - Okay! You know, I think I think that's gonna bum her out a little bit, but I like the gesture.
- Sure.
- Okay.
I got to go.
I love you guys.
I think this will sort itself out, though.
I'm gonna call and check up on you to make sure that you're good.
Again, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
DANNY: What are you doing? Drive faster.
You're not taking the parkway.
Just, I don't need advice how to drive, okay? I'll get there when I get there.
DANNY: Come on! Pedal to the metal! [phone ringing.]
Oh, God.
Hey, Ben.
BEN: Hey, are you in Boston? All the people in the background of your Instagrams are white.
Yeah, you know, I I decided to visit my parents this weekend.
BEN: Oh, that's cool.
I was just checking in on you.
I thought maybe you were taking this wedding harder than you let on.
That's really sweet.
Uh, I think I have been taking it a little bit harder than I thought.
I get it.
Listen, I've been been thinking about you a lot, and I just wanted to say that I think I kind of love you.
And anyway, that's that's what I wanted to say.
DANNY: Yeah, right.
He loves you? Does he know how crazy you are? God, shut up.
Okay, not the response I was hoping for.
- I guess I'll go.
- Oh, no, no.
I wasn't saying "Shut up" to you.
I was saying it to a picture because I talk to pictures sometimes, and I'm a little bit crazy, and I hope that's okay.
You know, believe it or not, I knew that already.
Yeah, I was tipped off when you deleted all the female contacts from my phone.
Not all of them.
I left you mine.
Hey, Ben, I love that you called me.
You're exactly the voice I needed to hear tonight.
Um, and I will talk to you later.
Talk to you later.
Mom? Rishi? Ow! God! Mom! Why do you keep doing that? I just get so scared, I shut my eyes and swing.
- Why did you come back? - Give me that.
Look, I started to make a mistake, and then I didn't.
- I'm I'm sorry I left.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Come into the kitchen.
Let me make you some food.
I'm sorry, darling.
Did I hurt you? Yeah, Mom.
Yeah, Mom! So, are you finally going to tell me where you were driving, sweetie? I was going to Danny's wedding to stop it.
Mom, I think I'm going crazy.
No, stopping weddings is something you've done several times.
MINDY: No, no, Mom, this whole weekend, photos of Danny have been straight-up talking to me, telling me that I screwed up my whole life and that he was my one shot at happiness.
But you're sure it was Danny who was talking? I mean, if you ask me, what the photo said sounds more like something you would say.
Huh? Ex-squeeze me? Look, sweetie.
We've always been so proud of how hard you worked.
Thank you for finally admitting that I'm better than Rishi.
But you've always been so driven and hard on yourself, that somewhere along the line, you started to believe that if someone wasn't hard on you, they didn't care about you.
And eventually, you ended up with a man who did the criticizing for you.
And now that Danny's gone, I'm worried that you're doing the criticizing for him.
Mom, that was, like, really smart.
So I was the Danny photo the whole time.
DANNY: Ex-squeeze me? This bitch is cray.
That sounds exactly like something I would say.
Shut up, stupid me photo! Hey, Mom, you know what? I think this could make a really cool movie.
We're Indian do we know Night Shyamalan? You know who knows M.
Night? Priya Auntie.
MINDY: You know, I never thought how hard it must be for an older Indian woman to try to break into the most unfair profession in the world in the most secretly-racist city in America.
You can't help what you love.
You know, the smartest thing I ever did was start my own business.
Then you get to be your own boss, and the sexual harassment rules don't apply to you, 'cause you're the groper.
Why don't you just do that? I can't become a gynecologist.
- My hands are very cold.
- No! I mean, why don't you write your own play? You know? Based on your own stories.
You know, I have kept very detailed journals.
Care for a taste? - We'd love to, Mom.
- Can I be high for that? There I was, an Indian immigrant in Arlington, Massachusetts, in the blizzard of 1978.
[phone buzzing.]
What is this cold sugar from the sky? America is the land of plentiful! "No," my husband said.
"That is snow, my darling.
" I asked, "Who is that white man in our front yard?" "It's a snowman.
" MINDY: I love you too.
SONU: I barely knew my husband.
To say nothing of the looks I got when I washed my clothes in the Concord river.
And I thought, Will this cold, unforgiving place ever be my home? But as time went on, India became a distant memory, and all of it changed for me.
My adoptive home became simply my home.

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