The Mindy Project s05e09 Episode Script

Bat Mitzvah

1 Wow, I cannot believe it's our one-month anniversary.
- Mm-hmm.
- It feels so much longer.
It feels longer because it's our second one-month anniversary, remember? We broke up - 'cause you cheated on me.
- I ignore things that don't follow my emotional narrative.
It's the whitest thing about me.
So what are you doing this weekend? Oh, my God, my friend Peter's coming to town.
You are going to love him.
He's like if Bud Light was an OB/GYN.
Well, at least I have you to myself for one more night.
[whimsical music.]
And I think you should take advantage of it.
Ooh, that's very sexy.
Should we play - "boy band/sleazy manager"? - Yes.
Come here, kid.
I'll make you a star.
- [screams.]
Oh! - What? - There's a man in your window.
- What? Anyone order a fried egg? Peter! That's not a man, that's Peter.
[half-hearted laughter.]
- Peter, you're early.
- You know it.
And Lauren didn't want me to meet the baby till its immune system was a little stronger.
- Hi! - Hey.
- Hey.
- How's it going? - Also, I came through your - Okay.
Fire escape because your elevator is broken.
- # IBrokeYourElevator.
- Okay.
Best entrance ever, by the way.
Ben, yes, I've heard - so much about you.
- Oh.
And I've heard so much about that Hebrew National.
I do wanna let you know that I will be completely out of your hair.
So go back to your lovemaking, and I shall retire to Mindy's abode for some lovemaking of my own.
- Is he really - Staying here? Masturbating? A doctor? Yes.
[hip-hop music.]
[whimsical music.]
Hey, big guy, how you doing? Yeah, it's Da-doo.
Peter, what are you doing? - I'm Skyping with Henry.
- Stop it.
Look, Henry, I gotta go.
Mindy's being a buzzkill.
Remember that word I told you to call Grandma.
Hey, last night was fun, wasn't it? - What'd you think of Ben? - I really liked him.
He didn't get mad about my racist jokes, even though I could tell he was getting uncomfortable.
I finally found a guy as perfect as I am.
Enjoy it while it lasts.
What is that supposed to mean? Nothing, it's just there must be a catch.
- He's so attractive.
- Peter, I am a 12.
That's why women can't stand me and men don't take me seriously.
Rack him up against all the other guys you've dated.
It's like, he's by far the most handsome.
That is not true.
What about Danny or Casey? Sweaty Smurf or DJ Paleface? Come on.
I'm not gonna listen to a guy who thinks that the freezer cleans his jeans.
- Are you using my toothbrush? - How do you want me - to answer this? - Ugh.
Before we get going, I just want to remind everybody that I'm hosting a Born movie marathon tomorrow night.
Just to be clear, that is the three classic film versions - of "A Star is Born.
" - Boo, boo, it's so boring! - Let's go.
- Once again, Peter, morning meeting is reserved for current employees.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I was helping.
Yeah, say "thank you.
" What the hell? Thank you.
Now, I'm sad to report that our receptionist Ida is retiring.
Her Cosby money finally came through, so we're looking for a new receptionist.
No need, boss.
The position is filled.
Everybody, meet our new receptionist, - my girlfriend Karen.
- Hi, I'm Karen.
I posted a list of my allergies in the kitchen.
Colette, you don't have the authority to hire anybody.
- But Peter said it was okay.
- Peter doesn't work here.
And nonetheless, I'm doing your job for you.
Say "thank you.
" Jeez.
I would love to sit there with you guys, if that's okay.
- I don't think there's any room, man.
- There's no room.
Can we move on? Can we please Oh, how long is this meeting gonna be? Because I have - a dentist appointment.
- Duly noted.
- Okay, our next or - Sorry I'm late, Jeremy.
Is it true Peter Prentice is here? - In the flesh.
- Son of a bitch, I give up.
[light music.]
Come on, come on, come on.
How genius was it for us to combine - our mid-day hookup with lunch? - It wasn't great when you dropped your meatball on my head, but yeah.
That is a testament to your talents.
I never drop food.
I can't wait - to tell Peter about this.
- Okay, we're still at work.
Let's just act casual.
How you doing? So what's Peter doing all day? Is he a real doctor? Or is like when colleges give out honorary degrees - to Kermit the Frog? - It's terrifying, I know.
Oh, hey, do you wanna hang out with us this weekend? We're gonna stay in, and we're gonna create a YouTube channel that's just us prank calling pizza places.
Wow, that sounds amazing, but I actually have Lindsay's bat mitzvah this weekend.
- What? - Yeah.
That's huge.
She must be so excited.
Okay, that means I only have a couple days to get one of those necklaces that's in the shape - of a Jewish sheriff's badge - No, no.
You don't have to come.
It's not like one of those fancy New York bat mitzvahs where Derek Jeter is lighting the candles and Drake's performing.
This is this is very small, very boring, - plus you have Peter in town.
- Okay, if you think that's for the best, then sure.
We'll just celebrate next week.
Oh, my God, she's a woman now, right? So I can take her to the clubs.
Are Jell-O shots kosher? - No, you're not doing that.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- [crunch.]
- Is that your lunch? - Oh, no, this is my dessert.
- What'd you have for lunch? - I went for a run.
- Weird.
Oh, someone's happy.
I wish I could whistle.
My teeth are too loose.
- Mm.
- Mm.
I'm just so excited about my new lady, but if it's bothering you, I will hum.
Well, I could actually hum a duet with you as I am so happy that you're over Mindy.
Time heals all wounds.
Except real wounds, those require Western medicine.
- [humming.]
- Oh, I'm so glad he's not pining over Dr.
L anymore.
He spent a lot of time polishing his rifle in the dark.
So how's the new lady? Describe her body and spare no detail.
Ugh, that's the weird thing.
I have not met her, and I meet all of his girlfriends.
I ask her the three Kimball-Kinney questions: Where's your daddy from? Where's your granddaddy from? And we're not allowed to ask the third question anymore.
Let's go.
I don't want my edible to kick in before we get to the Tenement Museum.
I wanna see history come to life.
Okay, I just need to finish my happy bat mitzvah text to Lindsay.
Mazel tov! Israeli flag emoji.
Today you are a flamenco woman emoji.
Dollar sign emoji.
Ow, oh, I bit my tongue trying to bite my tongue.
Just say it.
Look, I get it, I have hair on my face.
It's 'cause I'm anorexic.
I think you be at that bat mitzvah, Mindy, with Ben.
Oh, no, Ben said it was gonna be awkward and weird - and he wanted to spare me.
- All bar mitzvahs are awkward and weird.
At my bar mitzvah, I did my Haftorah in an Adam Sandler voice.
- It sucked.
- [phone buzzes.]
Oh, my God, Ben told Lindsay that I was busy at work.
You know I ain't busy.
We're a couple of losers.
Ehh, something's up with that Ben guy.
Isn't his ex gonna be there, the same ex that he tried to get back with last month? And you're not gonna be there? - Uh-huh, girl.
- Lindsay wants me to go, so I think we should just crash it.
That's a horrible idea, so I am in, and who knows? Maybe even Opera Man will make an appearance.
A-Mindy-o ruin bat mitzav-o [cheerful music.]
Gotta tell you, I love our roommate situation.
My life's gotten so much better since we started sharing - boxers and tube socks.
- We do? Oh, look, look, it's your brother.
You know, from work.
Oh, I bet that's his new girlfriend.
Ooh, oh, okay.
Let's take a look.
Come on.
Ugh, Jody's back with Dr.
No wonder he didn't - want me to meet her.
- Come on, come on.
Shh, shh, shh.
Hey, come here.
Come here.
We can get a better look over here.
Come on, come on, come on.
Wait a minute! That's not Dr.
For one thing, she's eating with utensils.
Bar-khu et Adonai ham-vo-rakh - all: Ba-rukh Adonai - Blah, blah, bom-bom-ba-dom all: Ham-vo-rakh l'o-lam va-ed - Ba-rukh Adonai - Marv, Irv, Silvia, Rose.
How do you know all their names? I don't know their names, I'm just playing the odds.
V'na-tan la-nu et To-ra-to Ba-rukh a-ta - Adonai no-tayn - Oh, snaps, that must be his ex-wife.
She's really hot.
You see that's the kind of woman that makes sense for him.
Okay, you don't know that that's his ex-wife.
It could be, like, a hot seat-filler, like at the Oscars, and his real, ugly ex-wife is in the bathroom.
Right here, whenever you're ready.
Okay, that's his ex-wife.
That's her.
Facacta my life.
Now that they're all standing together like that, I'm really getting a picture of the family, and it's quite beautiful.
I hate how height appropriate they are.
Yeah, it's like someone decided to draw a modern-day American love story, and this is - what they came up with.
- Ben is a dead man.
This is gonna be a red bat mitzvah.
- Shh.
- Thank you all for sharing in this special day with us.
As you know, we've had some ups and downs, but we'll always be a family.
Ben, me, Lindsay, and the newest member of our family, Lindsay's cell phone.
- [laughter.]
- This is funny.
Patricia and I just wanted to say that everyone here invited today, you guys are here because you're the most important people in our lives.
Um, of course, there's other people here who weren't invited, and those people are amazing too.
Great, sexy not, not sexy, of course, that's totally inappropriate.
But, really, in this day and age, people are so busy it's a relief not to be invited to these things.
I mean, you should take that - as a compliment.
- Honey, you're rambling.
No, I I might be rambling 'cause I'm so proud of you, baby.
And and as you are a true testament to um, uh, patience.
Can you wrap it up? - Hey, Morgan, Colette.
- Hey.
- What? - I thought you were - at soccer practice.
- Oh, yeah, my soccer game got cancelled the forward cheated on the sweeper, but in her defense, she didn't use her hands.
- [laughter.]
- Soccer joke.
Do you wanna introduce us to your date? - Yeah, who who are you? - This is Claire.
We met when I bought a sweater she was folding at the men's store, and she honked my rear end until I promised to follow her on Twitter, - and now she is my lady friend.
- "Lady friend," ex-squeeze me? What are you, a thousand years old, pedo? - [laughs.]
- Claire reminds me of somebody from work, don't you think? Well, she doesn't remind me of anyone.
She is unique and perfect and oh, my word, Claire, you took down that lasagna in a hurry.
Hey, do you guys wanna join us? I was just about to tell the story of why I'm not allowed to live in the same state as Jessica Chastain.
Oh, oh, love to.
We we gotta go though.
- Yeah, I think we have to go.
- Yeah, let's go.
We might be stuck in, like, another dimension or - Smell you later.
- [laughs.]
[klezmer music.]
I wanna make sure I'm holding some kind - of machine gun or Tommy gun.
- Yeah, and I'd like to be wearing a bikini, but I don't wanna look silly.
Yeah, make me look handsome, but funny.
Mindy, Peter, what are you doing here? I am sitting with this artist getting my portrait done, sir.
Can I talk to you for a second? I guess.
You have some nerve.
- I have nerve? - Yeah, your daughter texted me.
She wanted me to be here, and you told her I couldn't come.
You know I'm never too busy to come.
Hey, will you just keep it down, all right? - I'm sorry, you look super hot.
- You look amazing too, but this is a bat mitzvah.
People only argue about how drafty it is.
And by the way, would it kill you to close a window? Mindy, can we talk alone, please? I don't know, I wouldn't trust it, Mindy.
This is some classic hot Jewish guy stuff.
You know, you come in here with your Adam Levine swagger to take advantage of the fives of the world while the Eugene Levys gotta come down from Canada - and clean up the situation.
- I think you're underestimating both of our looks, but yes, yes, I agree with that point.
I should have been more honest with you.
I apologize, but I'm just trying to protect you from Patricia.
She's kind of crazy.
- [scoffs.]
- Oh, Patricia's crazy? - Yes.
- Okay, she can't - be crazier than me.
- This bitch nuts.
Yeah, I crashed a little girl's bat mitzvah with a guy who's high on shrooms.
I am tripping balls right now.
- Benjamin.
- Hey.
- Hi, where have you been? - Uh Hello, I'm Lindsay's mom, Patricia.
I don't remember you from the seating chart.
Um, that's [laughs.]
actually, it's funny.
- She's, uh, this is - It's funny? Ben? - I know I know him because - She's, um - Ben? - I'm, um, I'm, um - She's a rabbi.
- Yes, I am a rabbi.
- You're a rabbi? - She's a rabbi.
From a very progressive temple in Manhattan.
We're actually conjoined with a mosque which turned out to be a bad idea.
That's why I didn't introduce myself.
I think that is so cool.
You know, I also converted to Judaism.
I'm not crazy about the spreadable fish, but it was worth it for someone special.
- Heh.
- Rabbi, nice meeting you.
- Benjamin, we should go.
- Okay.
- Face painter's drunk.
- All right.
I'm sorry.
- I'm a rabbi? - I'm on mushrooms, Mindy, at a bat mitzvah.
- Let's just get out of here, okay? - Excuse me, are you - the rabbi from the city? - Uh, yeah, shalom.
I need your advice.
I have a secret family.
Shh, guys.
I can barely hear our "Star Is Born" -a-thon.
I mean, Jody is basically dating Dr.
L all over again.
It's just plain weird, even for Jody, a man - who collects historical teeth.
- And that woman is a lame imitation of Dr.
I heard her say yesterday, - "I'm full.
" - Stop talking.
We haven't got through the Janet Gaynor "Star is Born" yet, let alone the Judy Garland "Star is Born," or the Barbra Streisand "Star is Born.
" It's just that Jody's new girlfriend is a spitting image of Dr.
L, by which I mean they both spit a lot.
Okay, fine, but Jody's not gonna make the same mistake twice, is he? He is, and if you don't believe us, just come to the men's store where Claire works and see for yourself.
Plus I gotta get new cargo shorts.
[light music.]
I know this store.
I cried in the dressing room once.
- Oh, there she is, guys.
- She is the very picture of Mindy, right down to that strip of ankle hair she missed shaving.
Oh, yeah.
- both: Ahh - Hi.
- Oh, hi.
- Hey! - Oh, hi.
- Claire, what a coincidence.
We were just here shopping, uh, for a wood sign that says "beach.
" That's just a decoration, psycho.
Uh, Claire, I'm Jeremy Reed, Jody's best friend 1994 to 1996.
I'm sure he's probably mentioned me.
Honestly, I usually use the time he's talking to think up interesting facts - to make up about myself.
- Mm.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
So you guys having fun? You and Jody, it's going well? Or is it kind of, like, a creepy situation, you just can't put your finger on? Like you're competing with a ghost, a shrill, high-pitched, Indian ghost? - No, it's it's okay.
- Mm-hmm.
But honestly, I usually go for small Italian guys.
Yeah, I'm such a perv for those soft, pillowy lips, ooh.
- Ooh, Marone.
- Oh.
Jody's going through something right now, and he cannot take another heartbreak.
- Are you sure you're into him? - Well, actually, no.
I've been trying to break up with him, but every time I do, he showers me with gifts.
Yesterday, I texted him "We need to talk," and he bought me a Mercedes.
- Not again.
Not again.
- Oh.
My guests are praising your wisdom.
Rabbi, thank you for letting me pull you away.
I'm having a crisis of conscience.
Does he need to be here? He smells weird and his fly is down.
Oh, God.
Yeah, she's right about both things.
I should go.
There's, like, barely any line at the photo booth right now.
I'll I'll get my sombrero - and mustache on.
- He has to stay.
He's a rabbi trainee.
This is Peter, he has a green yarmulke, but he's training for his purple one.
Yeah, it works like karate belts.
Fine, well, a month ago, it seemed like Ben and I might get back together.
I'd even begun re-gluing - our family photos.
- Would that God wanted that to be the case.
He's got a new girl.
I don't know how serious he can be about his new girlfriend if he didn't even invite her - to Lindsay's bat mitzvah.
- I think they're just having a little bit of a a dip.
I heard their sex life is crazy.
Here's what I wanted to ask you, Rabbi.
I want to reconcile with Ben.
Can a relationship ever recover after an affair? To be honest with you, I think not.
I think once you get a taste of that strange, there's no point in going back to, like, the regular every day.
You know what I'm talking about.
Okay, okay, I didn't love the way that Rabbi Peter put that, but he's right.
You know, if you had an affair, I don't think there's a way that Ben could ever trust you again.
Oh, I didn't have the affair, Ben did.
- Mm? - Hey, Trish, we gotta - take those family photos.
- Mindy, you came! - Hi, Linds.
- Wait a minute, you're Mindy? Ben's girlfriend? - Yeah, we told you that, didn't we? - We went over that.
- I thought we talked about that.
- Yeah.
- I made that very clear.
- No, this is unacceptable.
And your fly is still down.
Oy gevalt.
I can't believe you lied.
Is that man even a rabbi trainee? Who, me? Actually, I'm I'm a stay-at-home dad from Texas, and I'm not circumcised even, so Okay, Linds, why don't you go talk to Nana Reneé about - how much movies used to cost.
- I want to stay.
I'm a woman now.
Oh, great, so you're gonna get a job, then? [quirky music.]
Trish, I need you to relax.
I should've told you who Mindy was, but I didn't - know that you were coming.
- You crashed a little girl's bat mitzvah? What an irrational, violent act.
Okay, that's a lot.
We all make mistakes, right? I crashed a bat mitzvah, some of us have affairs - when they're married.
- Why did you tell her that? See, it's always the handsome ones.
Me? I never cheated.
Been cheated on, bunch of times.
Mindy, you need to leave.
I'll go.
With just a million unanswered questions about my boyfriend.
Come on, Peter.
What do you mean? He didn't say, "Peter, you have to go.
" both: Peter, you have to go.
Well, what an unexpectedly giant group of visitors.
- Uh, can I fix anyone a drink? - I'll have a vanilla milkshake - or nothing at all.
- Nothing it is.
- Why are you all here? - Jody, you know I'm so excited - you're dating again.
- Me too.
This is an intervention.
L and Claire are like the same person.
You're a weirdo.
I thought this was about the bottle of scotch - he drinks at lunch every day.
- No, we're not going to talk about that, that's cultural.
Mindy and Claire are the same? Well, they're as different as eggplant and aubergine, as tangerine and clementine.
As yam and sweet potato.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, yes.
Face it, Dr.
K, you're trying to recreate this relationship with Dr.
L that you didn't - have in the first place.
- It's not that I can't get over Mindy.
I can't get over the way she made me feel.
She challenged me, she made me grow.
Oh, those brown eyes and those - strong laborer's hands.
- Hey, we all love - Dr.
L's big, gnarled hands.
- Yeah, you need to work backwards from how a person makes you feel, - not the way they look or squawk.
- Okay, Colette, I suppose you're right.
I'll talk to Claire, and I guess this means I'll lose my store discount, but Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You stay with Claire.
Sorry, guys, this was all for naught.
I'm not giving up the discount, okay? I bought this outfit at that store, now look at this.
- Sad.
- Look at this.
You got to back up when I spin, dude.
[people speaking indistinctly on TV.]
[doorbell rings.]
Hey, can we talk? - Is Peter still here? - We had cake for dinner, and he fell asleep during "Ant-Man.
" I carried him to bed.
Can I help you, sir? You didn't take your gift bag.
There's a tube of Proactive - and a pamphlet on bullying.
- Yeah, I could use - both of those, good-bye.
- Hey, hold on, one second.
Come on, Mindy, I'm sorry.
The truth is I didn't want you to come to Lindsay's bat mitzvah because it was easier for me.
I get wanting to make things easier for our exes, okay? I hope Danny dies of old age before he ever meets you.
- What worries me is the affair.
- I get it.
- It's scary, right? - Yeah, I know, that's why I was kind of hoping you'd never find out about it.
Look, I made a mistake.
The marriage wasn't working, it was over, and Patricia wouldn't even talk about getting a divorce, so, yeah, I I did what I did.
But you need to know I am not that guy.
I know that.
Look, can we just make a deal that if we ever break up, which I hope we never do, it's not gonna be because one of us cheated? Deal, because if we ever do break up, it's probably because you killed me.
Oh, 100%, especially with all these guns around and how my vision's been declining.
[cheerful music.]
This has been the best week.
Thank you so much, and I'm pretty sure I heard you and Ben in the living room last night, hmm? [as Borat.]
I like.
Very nice.
It was very nice.
I did like.
Lahiri, are you back to work, or is day ten of your friend visiting? Holy shit! She works here? And I've been whacking it to Colette this whole time.
Anyway, I have a pile of work for you for when your slovenly friend leaves.
Thanks, Anna.
Do you feel like we had a connection just then? Dr.
Prentice, your wife is on the phone.
She's wondering why it's taken you seven days to run out for diapers.
[quirky music.]
I gotta get back to Texas.
- I love you, dude, bye.
- Sometimes I get so sad, - I wish you never came.
- I will definitely hit you up next time I need a break from my life, which seems to be always.
Bye, Peter.
I'm trying to do some work here.
Can you get off my jock? Charming.
Hello, Mindy.
Oh, uh, Patricia.
You're here, - at my place of work.
- I just wanted to come here and say that, despite everything that happened, I really hope we can have a good relationship moving forward.
Shouldn't be too hard, I'm extremely likeable.
And you live in Missouri, so I'm sure we'll - never see each other.
- Actually, I've been thinking, and it's time for me to move back to New Jersey.
- Ex-squeeze me? - If this weekend taught me anything, it's that Lindsay really needs me, and so does Ben.
I guess we will be seeing a lot of each other.
Have a great day.
[dramatic music.]

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