The Mindy Project s06e03 Episode Script

May Divorce Be With You

1 So you need a divorce attorney? Tell me, who is the soon-to-be lucky guy? Okay, Cliff, for your Infowars, his name is Ben, and he's Jewish.
So you're gonna have to bring your A game.
Okay, well, why would you want me to represent you? I actively dislike you.
All my girlfriends think that you made me hate women, which is completely ridiculous.
My mom made me hate women.
Well, you know, I just saw your ad in the subway, and you just looked so hot and competent.
Yeah, people keep saying that.
I was worried it was a little corny.
Oh, no, I love it.
You should wear that monocle.
Well, look, he's gonna want to destroy you.
Trust me, I dated you for a couple months, - and I wanted to destroy you.
- That is unfair.
I've seen you through your darkest family tragedies.
You burned down the church at my grandmother's funeral.
Yeah, a fire which revealed the chilling remains of a murdered nun.
You're welcome "Dateline.
" No, this is gonna get ugly, so don't talk to Ben directly.
You're only gonna fight.
Do everything through your attorneys.
Fight? What am I gonna fight over, half his "Star Wars" collection? The only good one of those movies was "Spaceballs.
" [theme music] Now, before we finish this meeting, I would like all of us to send a lot of love to a woman whose heart battered and cracked like an old baseball glove.
Okay, that's enough.
Yes, I am divorcing Ben, but it's fine.
We weren't even that married.
I barely had time to let myself go.
Is divorce necessary? What if I find Ben a mistress or prescribe you some opium? No, stop.
Hey, look at me.
You let me know when you're your old self again, okay? 'Cause I want to hook up Ben with some girls.
No, no, no, listen.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
The baker didn't want to make this, 'cause it's so depressing.
Guys, I'm fine.
I have a great job, I have a great kid, I have great friends.
Yeah, but you don't have a husband, and that's all you ever wanted.
I'm so sorry, Dr.
L.
You know you can join our team anytime.
I don't have to be gay yet.
Okay, I'm going.
I'm taking the cake, and I'm not sharing it with any of you.
- Oh, that's - Oh, come on! Tam, what's the deal? You haven't spoken to me in weeks, and I think it has something to do with our steamy night of erotic play.
It was only steamy because your dogs were breathing all over us.
I'm sorry, but it was a mistake.
No, no, a mistake is when I cut my scrubs into capri pants.
What we did is beautiful.
Look, no, I was full of hormones from fertility injections, and I was emotional.
- It can't happen again.
- Listen [door rattling] Hey, did you guys lock the door? It's Colette! Come on! Hey, don't make me Kool-Aid Man this bitch.
How are things in the romance department, Jeremy? So recently I bedded a docent in the Georgian room at the Met.
Now, the bed was neoclassical, but the sex, ooh, quite rococo.
Uh Sorry, I just came in here to grab a new hand sanitizer.
Someone touched mine.
Well, that was more awkward than when we ran into Daddy's Hispanic family at dinner.
Nice folks, the Kimball-Rubios.
But I feel bad.
Anna came over to the apartment a few weeks ago.
I think to try and get back together, but, well, I was "entertaining.
" Anna wants to get back together, and you told her no? So now you're just spitting in the face of the universe? You told me I should use the breakup as an opportunity to level-up to hotter women.
That was the gin talking.
Of course you should get back together with Anna.
That's the bourbon talking.
Always trust the bourbon.
Anna wants to have more experiences dating, and I think she has a point.
Well, there's your mistake.
Women don't have points.
They have well-informed hysteria.
Now let's see what Mr.
Jose Cuervo has to say.
Dr.
L! Dr.
L! Karen, knock much? I thought I heard a bear in here.
Uh, does it look like there's a bear in here? Just a beautiful, feminine woman eating an enormous cake.
Well, there's some weird guy out there asking for you.
He's wearing cargo shorts with a beer in each pocket.
Wassup? Ahh! Peter! This is so great.
Hi! - Hey.
How you doing? - What are you doing here? Well, Lauren got a new job as the head of neurosurgery at Lenox Hill, so we're living back in New York, baby! Oh, my God, this is amazing.
Peter, I have missed you so much.
Can my whole family crash with you for a little bit? You see, we bought a condo at Trump Tower, but we don't speak Russian, so it's really hard to make friends.
Of course you can stay with me.
Lucky for you, my marriage just fell apart.
I heard about that, and I want to tell you, that dude, Ben, I never trusted him.
I mean, who doesn't drink beer when they're on antibiotics? You know what, everyone is making a big deal about it, but my marriage was just not meant to be.
I'm doing fine.
Mindy, no, you're not.
I can see.
You let your moustache grow in from the sides.
There's some of that cake that hasn't been demolished yet.
Something's not right, and I am gonna make it better.
Peter's back in New York! Guys, it's great to see you, but you disgust me.
No one is gonna throw Mindy a party to cheer her up? They made me the office party planner because I'm gay, but I'm the wrong kind of gay for that.
Well, I say we throw her a karaoke party.
Oh, yes, oh, my God.
I call "O Holy Night of Bethlehem.
" It's yours.
We're gonna do it at this great place I found in Koreatown when I was chased out of a massage parlor for my demands and I ran into a karaoke bar.
- What? - Who are you again? You have the entitlement of a guy who works here but the demeanor of a guy who gets injured in a viral video.
Thank you.
And may I just say shwing! - Yeah.
- What is that? I'm Peter Prentice.
I used to be a doctor here.
I didn't even work with Peter and I love him.
I think he might be my favorite Jew, 'cause he doesn't rub your face in it.
He doesn't take half of September off - for Rosh this or Yom that.
- Stop.
Wait, so you moved back here, but you don't currently have a practice? Mm-hmm, I was doing the whole stay-at-home-day thing for a bit, but you know what, I want to buy my own weed and my own sneakers, like a real man.
Hey, that's my sandwich.
No, it's not.
This is Karen's.
- I'm Karen.
- Then this is your sandwich.
MINDY: Thanks for treating us to such a fancy dinner, Mom and Dad.
We had to pick a nice restaurant, because we have so much to celebrate.
Oh, you must mean my newly found independence, and it's so nice that you called it a celebration.
- It's very modern of you.
- No, dingus.
We're here so you can meet my girlfriend, Parvati.
I'm sorry.
You're his girlfriend? I thought you were some random cousin from the Pittsburgh light-skins.
Nah.
Parvati and I met when we were sat next to each other at a wedding table, and I was hella charming, 'cause my edible hadn't kicked in.
And we've been serious for, like, a year.
Well, Parvati, what do you do? I'm a pediatric oncologist at Columbia Presbyterian.
- Damn.
- She's changed my life, okay? As a matter of fact waiter.
I think it's time for dessert.
Parvati, this last year has been the greatest year of my life, and I just want you to know that no matter what happens, I will always nah! No, Mindy! - The ring is in there! - [gasps] Okay, I definitely swallowed it.
- No! - Ahh! But I could tell that it was big and nice.
Yeah.
Rishi, I can't give you the ring right now.
All right, tell Parvati I'll give it to her tomorrow.
11:00 A.
M.
on the dot.
I am very regular.
It's cool.
I told her how much the ring cost, and that's all that really matters.
She posted a picture of the receipt on Instagram.
I'm really happy for you, Rishi.
God, what a reversal of fortune, huh? I know.
It's almost like we switched places.
You know, you're struggling; I'm succeeding.
You're getting a divorce; I'm getting married.
I even grew an inch last month; you seem to be shrinking.
So, uh I mean, you're doing great too.
MINDY: Okay, bye.
[knocking] - Hey! - Hi! How's it going? Hi, Henry.
Come on in.
Good to see you.
- Make yourself at home.
- Hi.
Thank you.
Wow, Lauren.
Uh, first of all, it's great to see you.
Second of all, so I guess you got a perm, huh? I know, it looks bad.
It looked much better in Texas where there's no humidity.
- Eh.
- Look, I am so sorry that my apartment is not as palatial as your Texas mansion.
But I will say this.
The rats are starting to eat the cockroaches, so we barely have any cockroaches.
Well, don't even worry about us.
We will not in this apartment that much at all.
Besides, we have your karaoke party.
Karaoke? Peter, just remember not to say the N word this time.
It was in the lyrics.
You were singing "Sweet Caroline.
" You know, I told you, I don't need this karaoke party.
My parents tried to cheer me up.
It completely backfired.
Mindy, everybody already RSVP'd.
Jeremy, Jodi, Anna.
Who's this Anna you keep talking about? There was never an Anna before.
Now all of a sudden everyone's all like, "Anna, Anna, Anna.
" Oh, Anna's so cool.
This is her.
Yeah, I actually stole this from her house, and I was gonna take her photo out, but she's so pretty, I thought I'd leave it in.
She's not that pretty.
I mean, her hair is straight, if that's your thing.
Honestly, straight, curly, it wouldn't matter when it's framing a perfect face like that.
She's pretty, like, if you think Kate Upton's pretty.
- Yeah, I think everybody does.
- You know what, guys? I think I will go to karaoke with you, and maybe I'll debut a new song.
It will likely have the N word in it.
Mm-mm.
Colette: Do you know what's wrong with Morgan? He's been acting so sad.
I don't know.
Why you asking me? Do I look guilty? 'Cause I'm not.
Hey, there are my girls.
Yeah, I don't really know you like that.
My brother and I replaced you when you left.
I know you, but I don't think we ever spoke.
Okay.
Where's Mindy? Last time I saw her, she was in the bathroom.
She put a colander in the toilet and is trying to pass a diamond ring.
It is not going well.
Man, that's such a bummer.
I really wanted to work on my karaoke set list with her at lunch.
Don't be intimidated, but in my frat I was in a singing group called Cockapella.
Peter.
Would you like to have lunch with me? I've been meaning to talk to you.
You want to have lunch with me? - Yes.
- Okay.
I'll have lunch with you, but I have no money, so you'll have to pay.
Anna.
Anna Bo-banna.
[sing-song] Makin' copies.
No, I hate that.
Please put that back.
Thank you.
Peter, I asked you in here for professional reasons.
Professional? You need a pap smear? You came to the right guy.
When I was Mindy's OBGYN, she used to call me Pappa Smurf.
I'm very happy to say I don't understand what that means.
Peter, I would like to offer you a job.
- My job.
- Why, are you leaving? Jeremy has rebuffed my advances, and it's just too difficult to face him every day.
Jerem I'm sorry.
Jeremy turned you down? What, are you some kinda weirdo? No, I'm within the range of normal.
I'd be happy to show you my brain scans.
So what do you say? Will you take my spot at Shulman? I don't know.
Let me think about it.
Let me smoke about it.
And let me stroke about it.
Please leave.
Oh, Morgan, there is a ring in here.
I need you to go to Brooklyn and give it to my brother.
Ooh, I would love to.
Afterwards, I would like you to go to my apartment and pick out a cute outfit for karaoke tonight.
Oh yeah, I'll pull some new looks for the fitting.
- Thank you.
- Hey, I gotta say something.
I'm loving the new attitude, Dr.
L.
You know, Morgan, I was thinking about it, and I have a lot to be thankful for.
I got a great job, I got a great son, and "Will & Grace" is back and bitchier than ever.
- Life is good.
- Damn straight.
These are the best years of your life.
- Right? - Oh, oh! And Cliff, the divorce lawyer, called.
Ben wants half of all your money.
- Hello, Peter.
- Hey, there he is.
I am so excited for tonight.
I don't want to ruin things, but we may be getting a visit from Peter, Paul and Jeremy.
What the hell is wrong with you? Well, how much time do you have? Weak pelvis, soft ankles.
No, you have this girl, Anna, who works in this office, who is so cute.
She's a living, life-size Bratz doll, and she's into you, who is a grade-A Jeremy.
Listen, I admit I might have been a bit of a tit in the past, but things have changed.
I'm cool now.
Look, you're a weird guy, as you've just proved by referring to yourself as a tit.
But that's what's great about you, and if you can find a weird girl whose weirdness matches up with your weirdness, pfft, I wouldn't let that go.
LAUREN: Hey, Mindy, I'm back.
Mindy? Oh, God, she's dead.
I knew it would happen, but it's still sad.
- Ah! Ah! Ah! - Ohh.
- I'm not dead! - What's wrong with you? Help me up.
God.
Why were you on the floor? I was extremely sad.
Oh, are you thinking about your ex-husband? He was very, very attractive.
I had a dream about him.
- What? - I did.
Okay, no, it was the right decision to get divorced from Ben, but it's getting really messy.
Lauren, do you know he wants half of everything I own? - No.
- What's he gonna do with 12 Omaha steaks every month? You know, I was married before to a guy who was horrible, and, man, the years after my divorce were the hardest of my life.
But they were also very valuable, because they gave me a chance to really figure out what I needed.
Which was Peter? Look, I'm as shocked as you, but, yeah.
- Hey, where is Peter anyway? - Oh, Peter.
Last I heard, he was having lunch with Anna.
You remember, blonde, skinny, John Mayer wrote a song about her.
Oh, yeah, I know Anna.
Lauren, I gotta tell you, that was some really good advice.
And now maybe you'd like some advice from me? Maybe about alternate hairstyles or different ways to style your hair? You know, I promised Peter that I wouldn't use his tracking device, but what am I supposed to do here? You have a tracking device on Peter's phone? No, his thigh.
What? They do it to zoo animals.
Okay, what is at 22 West 4th Street? Oh, that's Anna's apartment.
Oh, hell no.
[groans] Lauren, we just okay.
[singing along] I'm coming up So you better get this party started Get this party started on a Saturday Hey, where's Tamra? I got her dumplings.
I'm not letting anyone touch them.
Oh, God, dude! Morgan, Tamra's not coming.
She said she had to do her laundry.
No, that can't be true.
I do her laundry.
Hey, Morgan, we need to talk.
Uh, okay, all right.
I went to your closet, and I hated everything that I saw, so I called my tracksuit guy, Slobomir, and you hate it.
I love it.
It's amazing.
"Charlie's Angels" much? Ahhh! Oh, my God! Ah, can someone take a picture? Someone take our picture.
JODY: Well, if it isn't the lady of the hour.
Sorry to hear that Ben is putting the squeeze on you.
I can't imagine losing half of my fortune, but that's why I always carry a wrapped pre-nup in my wallet.
I can't believe how insensitive you're all being.
- Thank you, Colette.
- Dr.
L, does not want to hear all these happy songs while she's miserable.
We should be singing about her troubles and financial woes.
As the snow flies On a cold and grey Chicago mornin' A poor little baby child is born In the ghetto, in the ghetto Oh, sorry.
Oh, we're stuck together.
Isn't it ironic? We are the two biggest, most single losers in the whole club.
Yet we look like a million bugs.
You mean a million bucks? What? No, bugs.
How would you get a million bucks? Okay, good point.
You know, Morgan, I was supposed to sing "Lady Marmalade" with Peter, but it looks like he bailed after forcing me to attend this party.
Would you like to sing it with me? I would be honored.
- JODY: We love you, Colette! - Someday Yeah, you're done.
Get out.
Give it up.
[cheers and applause] All right, now Dr.
I and I are gonna sing a fun, positive song because your husband might have left you, - but I never will.
- Thank you.
- [phone rings] - Ooh.
Hold up one second.
TAMRA: Hey, Morgan, I just walked by a plus-sized female mannequin, and it reminded me of you.
Come over.
I have to leave you.
I have to leave you right now.
I'm sorry.
Love is alive for me.
I love you, I love you.
- Wait, what about - Thank you.
Go ahead.
We've only just begun [phone buzzes] To live ANNA: Can you come outside? I need to talk, but I don't want anyone to see me.
Oh, hey, Anna.
Oh, my God.
Did you get a nose job? How? Your nose was so tiny.
It must all just be nostrils now.
No, I was punched by Peter's wife.
She thought I had designs on her husband, and when I got physically ill at the idea, she got even angrier.
Anyway, Peter said he'd pay for karaoke, so he sent me to give you this.
It's a hundred dollars from your dresser.
Hey, wait a second.
Why were you and Peter hanging out? [sighs] I've been thinking about leaving the practice and getting Peter to replace me.
He came over to my apartment to work out the details.
What? You were gonna leave the practice? Things have been so awkward with Jeremy ever since we broke up.
I hate not being my normal, easygoing self.
So what? Suck it up.
You can't just leave the practice 'cause it's awkward with some ex at work.
That's, like, the story of my life.
I like having another woman working at the office.
Plus, you're, like, my friend.
Thank you.
That's really nice.
And I'm really sorry that Ben went after your money.
I know how important money can be to people who didn't grow up with it.
Yeah, I mean you went through a divorce last year.
How do I handle these negotiations? Negotiations? Why don't you just talk to Ben? Tim and I hammered it out in one afternoon on our side-by-side ellipticals.
Oh, no, my lawyer says I shouldn't talk to him at all.
You lawyer told you to only talk to lawyers.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, seems like a pretty good way to bill more hours, isn't it? You know what.
I knew it, I knew it.
I hate lawyers.
First they tell me I can't come within 400 feet of Carmelo Anthony, and now this.
Okay, I better go talk to Ben.
Good luck.
You know, Anna, maybe we're lucky.
We both got divorced from men that we weren't really in love with.
Trust me, it's a lot harder to break up with someone you love.
Bye.
[gasps] Okay, okay, I just heard a request for "Pearl Necklace" by ZZ Top.
Excuse me, Karen.
I have to perform a gesture.
- Get off the stage.
- Ow! Jeremy, I know that you have moved on from me, but I have discovered that I cannot move on from you.
I think about the day that I turned you down, and I'd do anything to have another chance to answer you.
In other words If I could turn back time If I could find a way I'd take back all the words that have hurt you And you'd stay Oh, my God, it's happening.
My life is finally becoming a musical.
I'm "A Star is Born-ing.
" I don't know why I did the things I did I don't know why I said the things I said Both: Pride's like a knife, I can cut deep inside Words are like weapons They wound sometimes [cheering] I didn't really mean to hurt you I didn't want to see you go I know I made you cry But baby, if I could turn back time CHER: If I could find a way [all cheering] CHER: I'd take back all those words that hurt you Oh, hello.
Are you the clown to cheer up the patients in pediatrics? Obviously not.
Although, yes, I do have a scarf up my sleeve.
But that's just because of static cling.
I'm looking for Ben.
Ben's in with a patient.
You can sit in the waiting room or just stand.
Those shoes look so comfortable.
Okay, that's enough.
- Lindsay.
- Hey, Mindy.
Hey, it's so great to see you.
I just want to say I am really sorry that I'm not gonna be your stepmom anymore.
And I hope that what your dad and I are going through doesn't hurt you too much, because the truth is, I love you, and I think you're the best.
Thanks.
I heard my dad talking to the lawyer, and it seems like they were asking for some money.
Is it a lot? You know what? It doesn't matter.
Because if it means you get to have a nice life and go to college, then it's money well spent.
Come here.
Oh, hey, and we can still hang out, like, all the time.
No, that's okay.
I've been spending a lot of time with my mom and my dad's new girlfriend, Vanessa.
Exsqueeze me? There's a Vanessa already? Meanwhile, I had dinner with Morgan three times last week, and I loved it.
Vanessa's so cool.
She runs Reality at MTV.
Okay, that's a cool job if it's, like, 1987.
Eh, anyway, I'm gonna let you get back to your book.
Oh, hey, Linds, please don't unfollow me on Twitter.
Yesterday @DollarsForFollowers unfollowed me.
I'm down to single digits.
I won't unfollow you.
Sweet, sweet girl.
Bye, Linds.
Bye.
Dr.
Lahiri, Ben's available bow.
Not available romantically though.
He's really serious with Vanessa.
Actually, I don't need to see Ben anymore.
You can just tell him I lost a lot of weight.
Hey, Cliff, it's your favorite ex-girlfriend.
Well, that's not true.
Fine, your favorite non-white ex-girlfriend.
That would be Agnes Choi from high school.
Okay, you know what, who cares? Just can you please tell me how my divorce is going? Well, you know, normally I don't get to say this, but I've actually got some good news.
Apparently, you went and spoke to Lindsay, who got her dad to back down.
Wow, I tell you, even I've never been cynical enough to go after the kid.
I am impressed.
Okay, it wasn't cynical.
Lindsay and I shared a really tender moment.
Just goes to show you, Cliff, that sometimes in law, the best way to get to people's heads is through their hearts.
Yes, you have quite the legal mind.
- Thank you.
- Get your feet off my desk.
Well, either way, I'm glad I was able to help.
I just wish Danny's divorce was going as easily as yours.
Danny's getting divorced? No, I mean, not your Danny.
No, it's a Danny Italiano.
That was terrible.
Look, just don't tell anybody.
Oh, I won't tell a soul.
MAN: Go to bed.