The Mindy Project s06e10 Episode Script

It Had to Be You

1 MINDY: Previously on "The Mindy Project" During my last mammogram, they found a lump.
- It's malignant.
- I talked to Dr.
He wants to do a double mastectomy just to be safe.
And Ma said yes.
Morgan, I tried on the ring.
Does that mean you're gonna say yes? Yes! I've met a woman.
I've fallen in love, and we're moving to Africa together.
And since I won't be drawing a salary from Physicians on the Front, I need to pull my equity out - of Later, Baby as soon as possible.
- Wha Melville, tell it to me straight.
Don't pull any punches.
Can Lahiri Fertility survive with my partner taking out half of his equity? No.
Damn it, Melville.
First you tell me I can't get a boat and now this? There is one bright spot.
Morgan's wedding.
Congratulations, son.
Melville, I'd love for you to join us on this special day.
I would never come to that.
Well, what if I told you I was marrying a black woman? Who cares? I'm about to lose my business! Look, I would've been fine if my business was getting taken away because of something that was my fault like a Roger Ailes situation.
She pinches my ass all the time, and I love it.
But this just sucks because I held up my end of the bargain.
I created this amazing company that helped so many women and it's all getting screwed up because of some white man's whims.
That's actually a good point.
Mindy, you remind me of one of my daughters' friends whom I don't like that much.
My advice: Find another doctor to replace Jody's equity position.
They say dogs are a man's best friend.
But they don't say that 40 dogs are a wife's best friend.
Very true.
Morgan has enough wet breath for one apartment.
So here's the deal.
I've hand-selected a dog for each of you based on your appearance and personality.
Wait, what? You think I look like this joker? His name is Tiny, and you two are basically the same.
Morgan, I have to be honest.
I was a initially angry that you turned this meeting into a no-kill shelter, but then you gave me Penelope.
We're in love! Hey, look! Christie Brinkley and I have the same hair! I know.
That's why I picked you.
Thank you, Morgan.
Thank you, guys.
Now that Dr.
Kimball-Kinney has gone, I am taking suggestions for what to do with his office.
Among the front-runners are wax museum and fart room.
Come on, people! Honestly, we could use both.
Reed, I have a message but I think that I should tell you privately.
Well, Karen, I can't leave these people.
It'll be like "Lord of the Flies" in seconds.
And I can tell that Morgan has more dogs to let loose.
That is simply not true, sir.
Stop it! - [whining.]
- Stop it.
Stop, stop.
Give me the message.
Well, I just got a message that your father passed away this morning.
Give him space.
Clearly, he's devastated.
Karen, get him his calming tea.
It's mostly Klonopin.
No! Get me my celebration tea! These are tears of joy.
Father was a monster.
I'm free! Come, Penelope.
Let's live life off the leash.
[upbeat music.]
[theme music.]
MINDY: Upon being confronted with the biggest professional challenge of her life, can our plucky heroine beat the odds one more time and find a worthy business partner to save her practice? I love fertility.
I love putting babies in women.
You sure like color, huh? I know I'm young and I blush when I see women naked, but I can do anything an adult can do, except drink, fight for my country, and vote.
MINDY: So can our heroine save her practice? The answer: Doubtful.
Hello? When are Jeremy and Anna coming back from England? It's been three weeks.
How long can a funeral last? Three weeks after Princess Diana's funeral, I was like, "Ooh, new Spice Girls album's out.
Who Diana?" Dr.
L, we would be honored if you gave the final toast at our wedding.
Oh, Morgan, I've dreamed of speaking at your wedding, but Tamra doesn't want people to.
She's made that very clear.
No! Dr.
L, I want you to speak.
I mean you hired both of us, and the first thing we bonded over was how annoying you are.
And you are the headliner, so it's gotta be hilarious, right? I want great one-liners but also some really good two-liners.
I want to cry, but I also want to learn something about myself, okay? - Thank you.
- [groans.]
Everyone, Jeremy's about to come in! I just have to warn you he's different now.
Hello, bruvs.
What's going on? What'd I miss with you lot then? Oh, my God.
Reed you look so cool and unprofessional.
You can tell he's not wearing any underwear! You know, since my father's death, I'm free from all his rules.
Wear a suit, talk proper, wear underwear, keep your hair its natural color.
Hey, Jeremy, you need to hear this.
You look friggin' awesome.
I love you, girl.
Does this mean we can wear whatever we want? Bloop! Well, thanks you know, but the only opinion that matters to me is my bird, Anna, and my bird, Roger.
So peace out.
He's nothing like the man I fell in love with, but he's happy.
It's great.
[Anna screams.]
Mindy, thank you for coming to these appointments.
It's such a comfort.
Your hands are so doughy.
I love squeezing it when I'm nervous.
But listen, Annette, I know that you're getting a mastectomy, and I want you to feel free to use my breasts as a model for the reconstruction.
You can take photos, you can feel them.
Feel them now.
They're your best feature! Oh, Ma, cut it out.
No, no, no.
we're not gonna do a show and tell in front of everybody.
Danny, they're okay.
Get one of those mints you like so much.
Look at all these babies you made.
You're like Wilt Chamberlain.
I know.
And to think in two months this will probably be the offices of some diet pill pyramid scheme.
What? You're closing down? You run out of money? Well, no wonder.
Look at that couch.
Too many pillows.
You got to throw them off to sit down.
Don't get me started on the bowl of glass marbles over there.
Danny, I didn't run out of money because of the pillows I bought.
Jody left to follow his dreams and he took out his equity.
And I don't have enough money to keep the place afloat, so I have to sell it.
Well, that's great.
Now you'll have extra time so you can teach your kid some manners.
Yesterday, Leo told me I was old.
I got a news flash for you.
You are old.
I'm basically 50.
Yeah, but we go to the movies and you get $4 discounts.
I'm smart.
Of course I do that.
I've been doing that since I was 30.
Choi, thank you so much for meeting with us.
Ma, this is the best anesthesiologist in the city.
Half-Asian, half-Jewish.
I mean, can you imagine a better doctor? Asian and Jewish? That's a lot of new years to celebrate.
I trust him.
You're in good hands, Ma.
Actually, I don't think I can fit you into my schedule.
I've been so busy since I was featured in "Snooze," the magazine for anesthesiologists.
Come on, Clarence.
We've all been in a magazine.
I had my photo in "US Weekly.
" I was picking my nose behind Margot Robbie.
I'm sorry.
I just have a lot of prominent clients that need my attention these days.
Prominent clients, huh? You got really fancy since med school, 'cause I remember holding your ponytail back when you puked on Halloween.
I don't remember it that way.
Hey, Clarence.
This is my son's only white grandmother.
She means a lot to me.
So you're gonna do her surgery, or I'm gonna post the video of you doing your swing dance routine from the med school talent show.
You wouldn't.
Oh, yes, I would.
And it's a real zoot suit riot.
Okay, fine.
I'll do your surgery.
Someone else will just have to treat the triplets that play Ryan Seacrest.
- Thank you, Dr.
- That's good.
So Saturday's the surgery.
Ma wants you to be there.
Richie's gonna be late.
He's gonna be hungover.
It's leather pride weekend.
Saturday's also Morgan's wedding and I think he might kill himself if both of us aren't there.
But don't worry.
I have a plan.
I'm gonna go to the wedding.
Dot is gonna take care of Leo, so that you and Richie can be with your mom.
And I already talked to Dr.
Richlin and I made sure that they're playing Perry Como when she goes to sleep.
Thank you.
I'm so grateful you figured all this out.
Well, honestly, it was nice to think about something other than losing my practice.
I just wish you could be there.
Sometimes I feel more nervous than Mom.
Hey, I promise it's gonna be okay.
[elevator dings.]
- Okay.
- Okay, okay.
Hey, Anna.
I got a great idea.
Tomorrow why don't you, me, and Penelope slag off work, go to the airport, right? Find the first flight out of here.
Get out of Dodge.
Well, the first flight out is to Cincinnati.
You want to go there? Well, what's the first international flight? - Saskatoon.
- Damn it! The whole point was to get out of the bleeding rat race, not be another cog in the wheel.
It's like Pink Floyd said, "Let's not be another brick in the wall.
" Okay.
You're sounding a lot like a college freshman right now.
Yeah, well, you could be more supportive of my growth.
We cannot go to some random city tomorrow because we have jobs.
And I am trying to be supportive, but this just isn't me, and I feel like it really isn't you either.
Well, that's where you're wrong, right? 'Cause this is the real me.
And he's been there the whole time underneath, yearning to get out.
And you better get used to it, love.
I don't know.
I miss the man I fell in love with.
What [gibberish.]
? I'm missing my best friend's mastectomy to watch your kid.
You owe me, Lahiri.
I do.
Thank you so much, Dot.
And if you could just do me a favor and not teach my son any ethnic jokes while I'm gone, that would be great.
Oh, yeah.
God forbid the kids at school like him.
- Dot.
- I like your dress.
Thank you.
But I hate the bracelet.
You look like a hooker.
I'll take it off.
Wear this.
It's simpler.
Danny gave this to me.
It actually belonged to his grandmother.
There's something written in it in Italian, but I don't know what it is.
I don't wear it very much because my wrist size fluctuates.
Oh, yeah.
I know, I know.
My weight started to yo-yo when I hit middle age.
What? Middle age? I'm basically a teen mom.
What are you talking about, Dot? [church bells ring.]
Oh, hey.
This is actually pretty nice, albeit very segregated.
Hey, where's Jeremy? Oh, I don't know.
Cincinnati maybe.
We're not speaking at the moment.
I can be your date for the day.
Do you have any snacks in your coat or anything? I'm really hungry.
Are you saving that seat, Beverly? I was saving it for my son.
It looks like he's standing me up.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That sucks.
I don't blame him.
I took the kids to steal some copper wiring at a new build.
He wasn't crazy about that.
King James Bible? Did LeBron write this? Who's that? Hello, Anna.
Ugh! What happened to you? - You look terrible.
- Okay.
Jeremy, you look like your old self again.
Like what I signed up for when we started dating.
Well, I realized that by doing the opposite of what my father would've wanted, I was still letting him rule my life.
Feels pretty good to be uptight and repressed again.
Can you sit down? Your butt's in my face! All right, Collette.
Excuse me.
- Just - Oh.
Anna, will you forgive me? I went through a goth phase in high school.
It didn't work because I was too pretty, but I understand the urge.
There was one part about the new you that was kind of cute.
- There's my rebel.
- Mm.
Excuse me.
I personally like the way that you looked before.
- I liked when he was fat.
- Oh, yeah.
- I can't with these mother - What? Dearly beloved, hi! I am Louis Tookers, AKA Cousin Lou Tookers, FKA Mohammed Rashaad Islam.
What a day of miracles.
My cousin Morgan and Tamra have found each other.
I mean, Morgan has been spanking it to her for years, so the fact that he's marrying her Let's just say that doesn't happen to a Tookers.
If I were to marry Kathy Ireland, a woman I spank it to you.
Or you, in the front row.
Another miracle, I am here on furlough after my most recent conviction for aggravated assault.
I stole an Amtrak train.
It wasn't my fault.
I was late for work.
["Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen.]
Oh, thank God.
I thought that was my phone.
Hey, can you hold on one second? I have to take this.
I am so sorry.
It's important.
I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Anyway, the Koran says that the role of a wife [Photronique's "Call Me Superstar".]
Oh, okay.
That is my phone.
What's up? Just chilling with Morgan.
- This might be a few minutes.
- Okay.
Melville, I just interrupted an interracial wedding for this.
What's going on? You don't have to sell Lahiri Fertility.
You have an offer from a surprise investor.
I do? Wait, it's not Mark Cuban is it? He has a restraining order out against me.
No, it's Daniel Castellano.
And then there was my jury.
You know who was on this jury? Eight women, four guys.
And of the four guys, only one true white.
This is like I always dreamed.
[phone buzzing.]
Hey, what's up? How's the wedding going? - What do you think you're doing? - I'm watching "Access Hollywood.
" It's a good one.
The cast of "Blue Bloods" is dishing on the new season.
- They even got Selleck.
- No! Why did you offer to buy equity in Lahiri Fertility? Well, I thought it might be a good investment.
I see exactly what is going on here, Danny.
You want to own a piece of the practice so that you can control me.
Well, I am not going back to that.
You didn't even want me to start the business to begin with, okay? I'd rather just shut it down.
Look, I get why you would think that, but let me explain.
You help so many people, Min, and it hasn't affected you as a mom.
I couldn't see it back then, but I was wrong.
So you want to help me float the practice financially and I can keep doing everything the way I've been doing it? Yeah.
I don't want to tell you how to run your business.
I believe in you.
I don't know what to say.
Thank you, Danny.
That is such a generous gift.
Well, I was thinking about it as more of a loan.
You can pay me back.
I'd prefer not to.
Okay, we can work out the details later.
Selleck's back on.
I gotta go.
MORGAN: This is Uncle Boris, who's also a hitman.
This is Tamra, my bride.
- This is table six? - Mm-hmm.
Why am I at table 28? You can have my son's seat.
Now I know what it feels like to be abandoned.
Oh, Bev.
I'm really sorry about that, but I promise you, I will be great company.
- Mom? - [gasps.]
Mom, hey! Oh, my God, I am so sorry we were late.
We missed the ceremony.
I wanted to surprise you with the girls, but that meant more potty breaks.
Come on over, come on over.
Move it, Dr.
L! Some of us aren't all alone! Okay.
Hey, I'm David.
Yeah, I know.
Remember you pretended to like me to meet your estranged mother? Psst! - You look beautiful.
- Thanks! - Amazing dress! - Thank you! It's going to even look better at your assigned table.
We're really trying to consolidate all the sad people so we don't bum everyone out.
I don't blame you.
And maybe table 28 isn't that bad.
Mm, that's where you're wrong.
It's all of Tamra's single loser friends.
It's a real dork-fest.
I'm sorry.
- Come on, let's go.
- MINDY: This is the dork-fest? Wow.
So it's almost speech time.
I'm very excited.
I'm gonna go table to table and raise everyone's expectations, okay? Okay, okay.
Hey, you want the bread? Take the whole thing.
None of us want any.
I would love to eat all of it.
Hi, everyone.
I'm Morgan, Tamra's friend from the wedding ceremony.
I always thought the greatest day of my life was the day I got out of prison.
I was wrong.
It's today.
Because today I got a new cellmate.
And it's a life sentence.
And when this new cellmate says to me, "Hey, I'm having sex with you," you know what I'm going to say? "Okay.
" See, Tam, the problem is is I wanted to use words to tell you how I feel about you but it was just too dirty.
So I had to find a different way to express myself.
Anatoli, spasibo.
[Jason Derulo's "Want to Want You" plays.]
DERULO: It's too hot to sleep I got the sheets on the floor nothing on me And I can't take it no more it's a hundred degrees I got one foot out the door where are my keys? 'Cause I've got to leave Yeah In the back of the cab I tipped the driver ahead of time, get me there fast I got your body on my mind I want it bad Just the thought of you gets me so hot So hot Girl, you're the one I want to want me What the hell? It's everybody from work except for me? DERULO: Girl you got me There's nothing I wouldn't do I wouldn't do just to get up next to you Yeah, just to get up next to you Just the thought of you gets me so hot So hot Girl, you the one I want to want me And if you want then girl you've got me There's nothing I wouldn't do I wouldn't do Just to get up next to you I would do anything just to get up next to you Get up, get up [cheers and applause.]
Good job.
All right, everybody.
The Gettysburg Address, JFK asked not what you could do for your country, "Mr.
Gorbachev, tear down this wall.
" All those speeches suck in comparison to the speech you are about to hear.
She's the person that is standing between you and the open bar! Give it up for Dr.
Mindy Lahiri! [cheers and applause.]
They're yours.
They're ready! Thank you, Morgan, for setting the bar so high.
My name is Dr.
Mindy Lahiri.
[microphone squeals.]
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I never thought that Tamra and Morgan would work as a couple.
Tamra is so beautiful and cool, and frankly far too talented to work at our practice for very long.
It's true! I've gotten several offers to leave.
And Morgan is, shall we say, a bit of a fixer upper.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me.
But what I didn't realize is how much people can change.
And how much we can help each other change.
Tamra stopped thinking that she was better than everyone.
And, Morgan, you've really matured too.
I mean this is a man who finally moved out of his grandmother's house.
Oh, my God! I forgot to invite Grandmother! Oh, no! I'm very sorry.
And maybe they weren't right for each other then, but somehow they are now.
That's the funny thing about people changing.
It happens so slowly, you know? You don't realize a person's changed until you look at them and they're not the person you thought they were.
Does anyone here speak Italian? Anyone? Anyone? Io parlo italiano! I learned some when I spent a summer in Milan as an apprentice male seamstress.
Jeremy, what does "correre" mean? It means "run.
" I have to go.
Thank you! Happy wedding! Enjoy your dinner! [applause.]
Better than I ever imagined.
Hey! Are you leaving? We haven't even cut the cake yet! It's black and white, to symbolize Tamra and I's love of chocolate and vanilla.
Morgan, I have to go.
I'm so sorry.
I can't explain it.
And I can't even get an Uber because I've been banned for talking to the drivers too much.
All right, take my bike.
Maybe I can get a lift with Tamra.
Oh, my God! Thank you so much, Morgan! Hey, I'm so proud of you.
You did good out there.
Bye! Be careful! ["Indian Summer" by Jai Wolf plays.]
MINDY: I don't think so, pool.
Not making that mistake again.
I'm looking for Annette Castellano.
I'm so sorry.
You're too late.
Oh, my God.
She's been moved to recovery room B.
You know how that sounded! - Oh, hey.
- Oh! What are you doing here? Why are you out of breath? Why aren't you at the wedding? I thought you would be in there.
I stepped out to pee and grab some coffee.
Makes sense.
You're wearing my grandmother's bracelet.
I am, Danny.
"Correre" means run.
And I looked at it My grandfather gave it to my grandmother to get her to run more.
She was 400 pounds.
Come on in.
Hey, look what the cat dragged in.
She's a mess! All sweaty! I'd offer you a seat, but you'd probably ruin the couch.
- Hi! - Hi.
I just wanted to come in and check up on you.
I was great.
Whatever's in this IV bag, it's amazing! Danny, maybe you can get me some more of this some time, eh? We'll talk about that.
The doctor gave her the all clear.
She's already complaining the TV commercials are too loud.
Oh, shh! Mindy, it was so nice that you came.
And you look beautiful in that dress.
Thank you.
Well, we could have texted you all that, right? You knucklehead.
He's right.
So everything's good with you.
Everything's good with you.
Everything's good.
Then I'm gonna go.
All right.
That was weird, right? It's not like her to leave a wedding early, unless, I don't know, unless she's getting escorted out.
- Danny, you're an idiot.
- Mm.
- What? - I said you're an idiot.
I'm an idiot? You dropped out of eyebrow threading college.
Oh, you mahmouts! She clearly ran all the way here from that wedding.
She wasn't here to see me.
- You mean she was here - I can't believe this.
I raised you to be more perceptive than you're being.
It was a romantic gesture, Danny.
It was a romantic gesture.
[upbeat music.]
Sorry about that.
Here, can you hold this for me? Thank you.
What the hell are you doing? Nothing.
I was hungry 'cause I didn't have any dinner at the wedding.
So I wanted candy and I got stuck.
The janitors came in.
They laughed at me.
All right.
Let me give you a hand.
- I don't - You all right? I don't think it's gonna do anything.
I'll do something.
Let me just get my hand in there.
Oh! Oh! You got it! - Yeah, I got it.
- Yeah, you got it.
Oh, thank you.
- Here you go.
- Thanks very much.
It was brought to my attention that you might be here to tell me something.
Oh, no.
I said what I needed to say.
I wanted to check in on your mom, get some sour straws, - and then head home.
- Ah.
Okay, that's that's what I thought.
Have a great night, okay? Wait, what did you think I was gonna say? Uh I don't know.
This is dumb, but I thought maybe you'd say that you loved me again, and that you wanted to try to make things work.
And if I had said that, what would you have said? I would've said that I'd like that.
But I didn't say that.
Well, I really misjudged this.
Have a great night.
I wasn't gonna say that I loved you again.
I was gonna say that I never stopped loving you, and I don't think I ever will.
Hold on a sec, are you gonna move to Tribeca with me? Because I'm not moving to the West Village.
There's too many cupcake shops.
Cup what? I like the cupcake shops! All right.
The cupcake shops are fine.
Are you gonna change your last name? 'Cause I'm not doing one of those joint names.
- I'm not doing that.
- I Can can we just watch TV? We have the rest of our lives to argue.
Yeah, let's watch TV.
What do you want to watch? Let's see.
- Oh, this is good.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay.
["I'm On Fire" by Chromatics plays.]
WOMAN: I've got a bad desire Whoa I'm on fire Tell me now, baby, is he good to you? Does he do to you the things that I do Oh, no, I can take you higher Whoa, I'm on fire Whoa, I'm on fire Go to bed!
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