The Mistress (1985) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

Thank you.
Thank you very much.
They're really nice.
Can I speak to the manageress, please? Will I do? I'm the owner.
Ah! I want some advice, please.
I want to buy something special for a lady.
Something special - is it a birthday or an anniversary? An anniversary.
I met her on a Thursday, you see.
Something special? Let me see.
Exquisite! Thank you.
How much? 60p, please.
Would you like it wrapped, sir? Please.
Thank you.
I'll see you tonight.
30? I can't be late.
I know.
Oh! I bought you this.
How lovely! It must have cost a fortune.
Well, I don't like to discuss money.
Yes, yes, I know, but £129 is exorbitant, don't you think? After all it's only a small garden, not Hyde Park.
The point is, your young man arrived here with a few bulbs and a trowel, took two hours for lunch, trod soil and fertiliser all over my house, ate all my cake, drank several vats of coffee and left! What? Excuse me Jo! Jo! I'm on the phone.
The phone.
Me on the phone.
I'm sorry.
The thing is for £129 I could have had Percy Thrower.
Well, for a start, the tree you sent me is ridiculous.
I know it's a flowering cherry, but it leans.
All I get is a stem.
The people next door get the blossoms.
They're already hanging nuts on it for the birds.
I'm stuck with the tub, the watering and the bill.
Thank you.
I'd be most grateful.
Please don't bore me with your overheads.
I don't bother you with my mortgage, do I? The entire human race is on a rising tide of greed.
Is bad? You know, Jo, we're like jungle creatures devouring each other.
Is very bad? Soon we'll all be hanging from our balconies, hunting each other down for lunch.
Is very bad.
- Helen.
- Hello, darling.
Did I tell you I was going to be late home tonight? No.
You haven't cooked anything special, have you? No.
So you don't mind? No.
I'll see you tonight then late.
Are-are you alright? Look, why do you keep asking me if I'm alright, darling? You're doing it all the time.
It makes me feel you feel I may not last until tonight.
Habit, I suppose.
Are you alright? Yes, fine, fine.
Good, we're both alright then.
Aren't we lucky? - Bye - See you.
What's your problem? - Work, money, women - Life! How is Nancy? Oh, she makes it so difficult! I feel as if I'm a racehorse, but there's the post and all I've got to do to please her is get there.
So I go eyes rolling, nostrils flaring, heart bursting, and there she is with a giant wrench raising the fences.
Up, up they go! One of these days I'll hit my head on a passing jumbo-jet and, bang, that will be it.
Time, that's my problem.
In 20 years I'll be 60.
Up, up they go.
When you're my age, I'll be dead.
If only she didn't complain.
Funny how being dead doesn't appeal to me.
Does Helen complain? No.
What, never? Never.
You lucky sod.
Even when she's hysterical, her words land gently like little paper aeroplanes.
Oh, it must be nice to go home to little paper aeroplanes.
When Nancy and I first lived together she was soft and gentle.
As soon as I put my key in the door she'd call out, 'ls that you, honey? ' And she'd be there to meet me in the hall with a little pink thing on and we'd fall in a pulsating heap on the carpet.
Every hall has its day.
She's about as soft and gentle as rabies now.
'Where have you been? You're late.
Your suppers ruined.
Don't you look at me like that! ' No little pink thing.
No, something long and menacing with a security lock at the neck.
That's the trouble with passion, it's nature's firework display - a few quick bursts of light and fire and you're left with a mess.
Well, I'm going to tidy up my mess.
How? Well, I'll l'll talk to her first.
And? Well, then I'll act on-on-on what we talked about.
So she says, 'You're right, darling, I make things difficult for you.
All passion is lost.
Gone are the days of the little pink thing.
' How will you act? Everybody's in a mess, Simon.
We're all stuck with our own particular mess.
Even the lucky ones, the ones who are just beginning, the ones who know it all - even they are building a nest in which to dump their own little mess.
Well, except you.
I mean, you with a tranquil wife.
Well, my mess is not immediately noticeable.
It's like the untidy cupboard.
You know it's there, you just hope nobody opens it.
You're early! - Yes.
- How lovely.
I think rabbit three is pregnant.
She's a bit fat.
Rabbit five looks rather smug, and rabbits one, two, three and four are saying nothing.
Everything's ready, all I have to do is serve it.
Well, it's alright, there's plenty of time.
Well, there's, er, quite a bit of time.
You pour the wine, I'll get supper.
There you are.
Shouldn't you, er, segregate them? - What? - The rabbits.
Oh, I do most of the time but they find a way somehow.
Go on, get supper.
I thought we might take a weekend, the country or, er, something.
Oh, thank you.
Whoops! Thank you.
There's yogurt and banana afterwards.
Oh, wonderful.
Er, couldn't we eat at the table? Yes, of course, if you want to! No, no, I'm sorry! It's-it's fine, it's lovely.
It's-it's you.
You said something while I was in the kitchen.
Did I? Mm, I couldn't quite hear it, something about I thought - we might - I can't remember.
I didn't hear it because I was in the kitchen.
Oh, I expect it will come back.
It won't come back, will it? What? You don't want it to come back.
'I thought we'd take a weekend, ' you said.
You did hear then.
Are you sorry you said it? No, I'm not sorry I said it.
I was going to say it again later.
When? I haven't decided yet.
Well, there isn't much time.
Planning weekends isn't easy and after the yogurt and before the banana we usually go to bed.
Well, I'll say it then - then.
You won't say it then because I'll be all mellow and ridiculous, and sort it out until next time.
Oh, Max.
Then you'll look at your watch, search for your socks, climb into your clothes muttering, 'My God, is that the time? ' If you didn't go through that front door at nine o'clock, you'd turn into a pumpkin.
I can't help the way it is.
You knew the situation.
What brought this up? I had lunch today alone and I saw other people being free and being together.
Well, we'll be together one day.
When? When she finds out? But we go to great lengths to make sure she doesn't, don't we? Oh, God! No good calling God.
He's out a lot.
Tell me what you want.
I don't know what I want, but I don't want this.
That's not an answer, is it? That is not a! Look! Will you get this rabbit away from me? HE lives here! I know he lives here.
So does the cat live here and the bloody canary.
It's not a bloody canary, it's a singing finch.
Even if I could get away from my life for a weekend, we'd never get away from this lot.
I even have to eat like them.
You don't have to eat like them, you don't have to eat at all! Look, I told! I told you it wouldn't be easy.
You didn't say who for though, did you? For either of us.
Oh, yes.
It's very hard for you, I know.
A nice wife waiting at home, no questions asked.
A nice meal waiting on a table! A little tumble here and then back to your nice life, the one you had before we met.
At least you don't have to eat two dinners.
Well, that's because I don't have two people! I thought we'd take a weekend.
Look, don't say anything, just don't try and make it up to me.
Don't say a thing When? Soon.
Where? Anywhere.
How? Somehow.
Oh, it's not my fault, you know, we're in this mess.
You could have ignored me that first day.
You gave me the come-on.
Oh, yes! I go to bed with everybody who comes into the shop to buy flowers for his wife.
And when you were wrapping them you kept glancing at me.
It was roll, glance - roll, glance.
Then you gave me my change and pressed it into my hand.
I mean, I was prepared to ignore the whole thing but when I looked through my driving mirror and saw you running after my car taking all your clothes off Well.
It's not going to be easy.
I'll get the yogurt.
Don't bother about the banana.
You keep asking me that.
I don't know why I go on seeing him.
It's just, there doesn't seem to be any future in it.
I know, I know! For heaven's sake, what are you doing? Relax! We're just talking, friends talking, that's all.
Right, now let's discuss this thing sensibly.
Tell me things you hate about it, and then tell me things you love about it and we'll add up the score.
Things I hate about it are the secrecy, the tension - The deceit.
- The deceit.
The not the not being able to go anywhere together.
The not being able to talk about it.
The wondering what he's doing the weekend.
The picturing him with her.
The doubt.
The deceit.
The deceit.
Thing I love about it is the agony.
There's nothing in it really, is there? You disapprove, don't you? I will mind your rabbits at the weekend.
You can't wait for the day to come when you can say, 'I told you so, ' can you? - And your cat and your bird.
- I know! You're right! I went out with a married man once.
He couldn't come to my place because his boss lived just up the road, so we used to go to a little hotel outside town.
It sounds wonderfully romantic.
Yes, it was.
We used to book in at nine in the morning, have lunch in bed, and then we'd book out again at six in the evening.
I hadn't got a car, so he used to drive me to a taxi rank.
He used to pull up his collar, look all round, give me the OK and he'd be off before I set foot on the pavement.
It went on like that for ages.
How did it end? I thought I was pregnant.
I told him on the way to the taxi rank.
It threw him a bit - went over a roundabout, through a few red lights.
When we got to the taxi rank, he hugged me, ruffled my hair, helped me out of the car and into the taxi, kissed me, waved, oh, everything.
I never saw him after that.
Were you pregnant? No, even Mother Nature went off him.
Why do we do it, Max? That's why, Jenny.
Where are you going for the weekend, by the way? Oh, a little hotel outside town.
And that's not all We're meeting at a taxi rank! Helen! Yes? Are you ready? Oh! I thought you'd cut your throat.
Why do women have to take so long? I won't be a minute.
Can't you finish what you're doing in the car? Why, do you have a dishwasher in there? What the hell are you washing dishes for now? I'm not washing dishes now, Luke.
I'm washing dishes when I always wash dishes.
But I thought the dishwasher did all that.
It does, but it hasn't quite got the hang of clearing the table and loading itself yet.
Helen, why is it every time I'm in a hurry you have to run round as if you're dressed for open-heart surgery? Darling, have you seen my hand cream? And I appreciate that life in this house would not to survive if it was not for the hourly application of hand cream! Did you lock the back door? I haven't used the back door.
I'd better check.
No! You-you stay there.
Hurry up.
I'll check it.
There's no need to get in such a state.
I can't help it if my car's broken down, can I? Hello? No, I'm sorry.
I think you must have the wrong number.
What number did you want? No, this is 729.
Well, you must have made a mistake.
Well, thank you! Yes, I much prefer the dial Helen! Your fingers can easily slip off those little buttons, can't they? Excuse me.
Look, could you discuss the merits of British Telecom some other time? Because we're in the shower right now and I'm in danger of losing my spontaneity.
Jen! Did you call the taxi? Mm-hm.
Now then.
Pay attention because this is very important.
This is the cat food, this is the bird food and this is the rabbit food.
Will you listen? This is the cat food, this is the bird food and this is the rabbit food, and this is extra for rabbit and bird, not cat.
Cats don't like carrots, alright? Now you must keep all the rabbits separate.
I haven't had time to sort them out yet and rabbit three is pregnant, so somebody is up to no good, alright? That's the taxi now.
Rabbit seven is the house-rabbit.
He's perfectly all right running free.
He goes in the cat tray.
But you must give him lots of cabbage leaves, otherwise he eats the curtains, alright? Will you go! Bird likes a bath and cat likes a piece of cheese.
Cat also likes bird, so don't put chairs near the cage.
Oh, and don't leave the washing machine door open.
Rabbit thinks it leads to a field.
Have you got that? Yes, yes, yes.
Cat food, bird food, rabbit food.
Extra for rabbit and bird, but not for cat.
Cats do not eat carrots.
Cat wants cheese.
Bird wants bath.
Cat wants bird.
Keep rabbit separate.
Give rabbit seven plenty of cabbage, keep the washing machine closed, and watch the bloody curtains! Now will you go! You're wonderful! Mwah! I'll have to have a new car, Luke, that wretched thing is always breaking down.
Yes, yes, we'll see to it.
Where did you say you wanted dropping off? I said anywhere in town, but we seem to have gone right through it.
In fact, I think we might be in Scotland.
God, what am I doing?! Thank you, darling.
What time will you be home for dinner? Oh, I'll ring you.
Oh, Luke! I've forgotten to leave the key in my car.
They won't be able to fix it.
Well, can't you take it in with you on your way home? Darling, it's Saturday.
They were doing me a favour rushing it through.
Helen, I'm It's Sunday tomorrow.
I can go to Mum's in your car.
Ah, no, no! Give it to me.
I'll take it.
Thank you, darling.
What am I doing? Taxi, keys, Maxine.
Oh, God!! Miss Mansel? Yes? From a Mr Carpenter.
'Darling, can I meet you at the hotel? Something's cropped up.
I have paid the taxi driver to take you.
See you soon, love Luke.
' Okay, love? Have a nice day, sweetheart, and watch him and all! Hi! 'Darling, we are booked in our own names, separate rooms next to each other.
Collect your key and I'll see you up there.
' Luke! I'm moving in.
Good, I thought there was something missing.
Shall we? Unpack.
- Just in case of, er - Fire.
Er, why did you book two rooms? Oh, I just thought it was safer, that's all.
I thought we'd go for a walk and then come here and have dinner.
Lovely! Good.
So when you're ready I'll meet you in the car park.
Car park? Well, just in case.
Of course! So no one will recognise me, I'll be wearing pink tights over my head and carrying a pink carnation! Hello.
Would you like to join me for dinner, Miss Mansel? But, Mr Carpenter, you're a married man.
Ah! Only in real life, Miss Mansel, only in real life.
Damn, I've left my other shoes next door.
Won't be a moment.
Er Well, I know it's a nuisance, darling, but I gave a colleague a lift out here with the intention of picking some important papers up, and the bloody car's broken down.
Well, he's going on holiday tomorrow, that's why.
Well, I don't know why both our cars have broken down, do I? Oh, it's just one of those days, that's all.
No, no, don't do that.
I'll stay overnight.
I'll get a train back in the morning.
Yes, I suppose that's right, the best thing to do.
Alright? Yes, fine.
Did you find your shoes? Er, no.
Er, they must be here somewhere.
Will they do? Thank you.
Er, Max It's all going wrong, isn't it? It's my fault.
I didn't plan properly.
I thought the best thing to do would be to ring Helen from here, tell her some dreadful story about the car breaking down and giving a colleague a lift, and, er, well that would be that.
Is it? Er, no.
Er, she's going to see her mother tomorrow.
This place is, er, on the way.
So we'll have to leave early in the morning? No!! There'll be plenty of time for breakfast.
Er, she's not coming to collect me until about ten o'clock.
Then we're both going to see her mother.
What about your broken car? Are we going to spend tonight sitting in it vandalising the carburettor? - Don't be silly, Max.
- What then? Well, I thought maybe that you could drive it home Great!! Well, she thinks she's doing me a favour.
Couldn't you stop her? Oh, now don't you start.
I've had enough for one day.
Enough of what? It can't be me.
All you've done for me is leave notes.
Well, I told you how it would be.
Now look, at least we'll have the night together.
Are your sure, Luke? Are you sure we should spend it together? Don't you think you ought to move next door in case she turns up in the middle of the night? She can't do that.
I said I hadn't found a hotel yet.
I'll tell her where I am in the morning.
You mean, while I'm having breakfast alone, you'll phone her.
You won't be having breakfast alone.
I'll ring her after we've had breakfast.
One weekend, that's all I wanted.
Just a few hours of pretending! And what happens? I travel down here alone, I wander round the reception alone, I come and sit in this bedroom alone, and now I'm going to have breakfast alone, and I'm travelling back alone in your car! You won't be having breakfast alone! You couldn't even book us in together.
You passed me downstairs and thrust a note into my hand as if I'm some Russian spy! How do I know we're not having dinner tonight at separate tables? Alright, alright, look! Let's do it your way.
I'm apparently alone on this trip, let's keep it like this.
You go back to your room and I'll sleep alone! Hmm.
Why don't you phone her up and ask her to come and get you now? She might as well bring her mother along too!! Well, it's alright for you, you don't have to think about anyone else but yourself.
All you have to do is put your hat and knickers on and that's it, out through the door! 'Hello, world! You can stop turning.
Everyone change, I'm here now.
' Oh! And what about you?! What do you think about? You don't think about me, you don't think about her.
All you think about is that body of yours and its endless needs! 'Hello, world! You can stop turning.
Everybody change, I'm feeling randy now! ' And you needn't think crying will get you anywhere!! Because I know about women and crying! Of all the creeps! Of all the pigs! Of all the slimy slugs in the world, I should end up with you.
'At least we'll spend the night together.
' Do you think that's all I want, that stupid body of yours? It's taken you over.
Well, look, you can't even zip it up properly! You're just using me! Well, that makes two of us! Isn't it time you looked at your watch? - I love you.
- I love you.
Alright, darling? Hello.

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