The Mistress (1985) s02e01 Episode Script

Series 2, Episode 1

Who is it? Me.
Who is it? Me, for God's sake.
I can't use my key.
You got the chain on.
I'm sorry.
I've got to go now.
I just wanted to say hello.
Coffee? No.
I'm just posting an important letter.
Only there isn't an important letter, just wanted to say Hello.
Well, you've said it.
So goodbye.
Why are you so shiny? - Oh, you are so frustrating.
- Why? Well, because half an hour ago, I had some makeup on.
I actually looked pretty.
You weren't here.
And now when I look like something's that's escaped from the chapel of rest, you are.
You look fine to me.
Jamie said I was looking tired.
Jamie doesn't know what he's talking about, does he? Who's Jamie? Oh, he's the new boy I've got at the shop to replace Jenny.
I didn't know that.
Well, she got married, remember? Of course I remember.
I mean him.
I meant him.
The boy.
Oh, he's not a boy, actually, he's I don't know how old he is.
He's, er He's sort of adultish.
I've known him for ages.
Anyway, it doesn't, it doesn't matter.
After all, you've got a secretary.
- You know about her? - Well, I know what you tell me.
I know about her sexy voice on the telephone.
Just a minute, please, I'll get him for you.
Her voice does not represent all of her.
She's big, bossy.
She comes to the office door like Rambo with knickers on.
For goodness sake! I can't run the shop on my own.
You can't be jealous of Jamie.
It's not a question of jealousy.
It's you being secretive.
Well, I've had a lot of practice, haven't I? I mean, you're not exactly open about your life, are you? I've had whole conversations with you and you haven't even moved your mouth.
- That is because - In fact, I feel rather sorry for your mouth being made redundant so soon.
And your eyes, all that swivelling, they must think they belong to Donald Duck.
What does that mean, "Okay.
Fine"? It means subject change.
We don't even speak the same language.
I've posted my important non-existent letter.
Now I'm going to go.
Can I see you tomorrow? Yes.
So what's he like, this old boyish adult? Oh, he's slim.
- All the credentials, I see.
- Oh, yes, yes.
- Married? - No.
And gay as a yellow duster.
Sorry, darling, I haven't got a hand.
Thank you.
Look, I'm in a hurry.
So am I.
That's why I've been rushing about since seven o'clock this morning.
I'm not in the mood for argument.
Let's just go.
We can't.
The car door is open.
Could you close it, please? I'm not in the mood for closing car doors.
Look, I'm late.
I can't cope with being late.
I don't know why you're late.
The reason I got up at seven is that someone has to get you up by eight.
Having got you up, someone has to get you out by half past.
Having got you into the car by 25 past, that leaves me exactly five minutes to get myself out.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- One would have done.
- Okay.
I had two to spare.
You know how generous I am.
I knew you disapprove of the cat.
I do.
Not much to ask.
Something else to glut up our lives.
We have nothing else to glut up our lives.
- No dog, no bird - No children.
I know.
We have your work, of course.
That gluts up our lives.
Work and bed.
Work and bed.
It's like sleeping with a fallen lamppost.
When you're angry, you look like a very old child.
Always the beautiful one.
As long as you notice.
Go on, get your kitten.
Don't forget my cleaning.
What time dinner? Oh, can I talk to you later about that? - I've got a lot of work on.
- If you like.
- Where will you be? - Um I'll be out today.
Uh, I'll call you.
- Fine.
Bye, darling.
- Bye, darling.
'Oh, God, what am I doing? ' Luke.
'Oh, God, what am I doing? ' - If I died - I'd die too.
No, I don't want you to die yet, because I want to ask you something.
Go on, you die first then.
If I died, what would you remember most? Your shoulder blades.
Is that all? Not my voice, or my smile, or other things? I'd remember other things, but not most.
I don't even know what my shoulder blades look like.
They're like little wings.
I think you must have been a sparrow in a previous life.
One of them sticks out more than the other.
I think you must have broken it or something.
Sticks out? You mean they're not the same? You mean one actually sticks out? More than the other, yeah.
You never told me.
I must look very odd from behind.
Only when you stand sideways.
What happens when I stand sideways? Well, it's as though you've got a little hump.
That's all.
I mean, just a little one.
No one else would even notice, unless you're wearing a tight sweater.
- But I often wear a tight sweater.
- I know.
- I'm wearing one now.
- I try not to think about it.
Oh, you! So if I died, what would you remember? Oh, silly things.
Like your silly feet and your silly smile.
And the way you kiss my hand when you want to know what time it is.
That's not true.
Come on.
Time for you to go.
- Well, let's hear this out.
- No.
You know you're not enjoying it.
When it began, you were all soft and warm when you started the story of my shoulder blades.
By the time they turned into a hump, you'd turned into a cardboard cutout.
Come on.
Tidy yourself up.
It reminds me of when I was a kid, my mother used to do that with my blazer.
She was always doing it.
I squashed my pet caterpillar once, cos she was standing there like a matador.
How? How did you squash your pet caterpillar? When I put my hand in the sleeve, I was holding him.
When it came out of the other end he wasn't there.
It's a very horrendous story.
We've had a wonderful day, haven't we? Yes.
I have to make up for tomorrow, all that paperwork.
- When will I see you? - Not tomorrow.
- Wednesday? - Wednesday, the Lawsons are coming.
Why don't you just shoot the Lawsons? I've got to pay my dues.
A day with you equals three hours with the Lawsons.
- It's a pity about Wednesday.
- I'll see you on Thursday.
- It's not the same.
- Why? Well, it's a day later.
Oh, come on.
One day, I mean, you and I have learned to live with that.
Besides, I like Wednesdays.
- Well, look, I'll tell you what.
- No, no, it's all right.
I'm being silly.
You've taken a whole day off work and now I'm being selfish.
And I understand you've got things to do.
I'll see you Thursday.
- Alright.
- Alright.
It's my birthday on Wednesday.
Oh, Max.
I'm sorry.
It's alright.
It's alright.
- Well, I hadn't forgotten.
- I know.
Well, it's just that it's not here yet for me to remember.
You're going to be late.
Look, I'll tell you what.
I'll ring you tomorrow.
At midnight.
The beginning of your birthday.
And then we'll have lunch at noon on Wednesday, the middle of your birthday.
And then I'll ring you at midnight on Wednesday, the end of your birthday.
And then I'll see you on Thursday.
I wish I didn't love you so much or hate you so much.
You're not so bad either.
That was some kind of a day.
You've got six wreaths for tomorrow, Jamie.
Right, I'll do them first thing.
- Do you want some coffee? - Mm, yes, please.
Milk, no sugar.
How's Robert? - Should I cry? Or just groan? - Oh, is it that bad? Put it this way.
I spent the whole of last night gazing at the aspirins.
Oh, poor Jamie.
Luke and I had a lovely day yesterday.
- We spent the day in the country.
- Yeah? We called into this little café.
He pulled up his collar and he put on his dark glasses and he went into this gangster stroll.
I thought he was going to pull a gun and kick the door down before he went in.
It's guilt, sweetheart, that's what he's suffering from.
The devious glance, the bent back.
Next thing you know, he'll start to jump a lot when a door slams, or a car brakes.
You will only have to jangle your bracelet when he's least expecting it, he'll disintegrate.
Oh, well, sometimes I hate all the creeping about, but today I don't mind.
- Because of yesterday? - No, because I love him.
Oh, there's no future in it, sweetheart.
No future.
- But there was yesterday.
- Yes.
But it's so incomplete.
It's like taking a collar and lead for a walk.
I've had an affair, you know, since I've been with Robert.
Tall brown, inquisitive eyes, wall-to-wall smile.
It all fizzled out in the end.
Like a melting choc ice, only twice as messy.
- I don't want to hear any more.
- Okay.
My mouth's on standby.
- So what happened? - Well, it would have been fantastic if it had stayed an affair, but I had to be honest, didn't I? So I left Robert and went to Julian.
Ralph left Julian and went to Robert.
Robert got pissed off with Ralph, drove his car through a mobile library.
I went to see him hospital, Julian got jealous and went back to Ralph.
Robert feigned death, got me to go back to him.
So now we all live in total disharmony forever and ever.
At least you live together, at least he's there when you get home.
Oh, he's there, all right.
With his hypochondria.
We have enough pills in our flat to open up a takeaway chemist.
Oh, Jamie.
It's all so painful.
We've got to take the good times.
What good times? The bits in between the screaming.
This is pathetic.
Isn't this pathetic? I mean, here I am, a fully grown woman in the sunset of my summer, with my 34th birthday thundering towards me.
And the highlight of my evening is going to be a phone call.
Not even a long phone call.
Not a 'I'm coming round, because I love you and you can't possibly spend your birthday alone' phone call.
But a 'happy birthday, mwah, mwah! I've got to go' phone call.
I mean, my mother taught me to play with dolls and little rolling pins.
She prepared me thoroughly for the time when some gallant knight would come galloping along on an Arab steed and whisk me away to a little pink house, with lace curtains and a do not disturb doormat.
And what happens? This silly man comes limping along on a knackered mule, says hello, and that's it.
It's all downhill after that.
All secret.
All underground.
Mr and Mrs Mole.
I must not be upset.
I must not be angry.
It's my own fault.
I will not be upset.
I will not be angry.
It's my own fault.
Come on.
Come to bed.
It's my own fault! Come on.
It's my own fault.
It's my own fault.
I'm not going to be upset.
It's my own fault.
'Happy Birthday, love from Jenny.
' By the time I get this open, I'll be 40.
Ah! Hello? Hello, sexy.
What are you doing tonight then? Hello? Alice? I think you've got the wrong number.
I'm sorry.
One thing for sure, no need to worry about Alice.
Hello? - Hi, Jamie.
- Oh, hello, Jamie.
- Happy Birthday, sweetheart.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Listen, I'll open the shop in the morning, so don't rev up.
Just take things nice and easy, okay? Oh, thank you.
I've had a hell of an evening.
Robert got home early.
He's been turbo-ing round the flat, hurling verbal hatchets at me.
He started during EastEnders, right? He drowned out the Nine O'Clock News.
Thank God, he ran short of breath for Dynasty.
I am shredded, sweetheart, absolutely shredded.
Well, you know what they say about true love never ends? Smooth.
Darling, this lot is doing the Pennines on a pogo stick.
Jamie, I'm, I'm expecting a call.
- Okay, darling.
Over and out.
- Bye.
Thank you.
Aren't you going to get into bed? Yes.
I'm just winding down.
Oh, isn't he sweet? - Luke? - What? Yes, he's all right.
How can you hate a little kit? I don't hate him, he's a responsibility.
What responsibility? He tiptoes round the house, he tiptoes round the garden.
I didn't put a bell on his collar, so you can't tell where he is.
- He's even learning not to purr.
- He's a live thing.
Live things are a tie.
Why are you so afraid of being tied? My mother will mind him if we go away.
I know my mother is a live thing too.
Perhaps we should have them both put down.
Supposing he has kittens.
If HE has kittens, Luke, the whole of science will suffer a major setback.
Oh, come on.
He's a little tiny kitten, you'd think I brought a wild elephant into the house.
I get lonely sometimes.
Does that surprise you? No.
I'm often lonely.
Ah, you see.
We each find a cure for our loneliness.
You work late.
I cuddle a kitten.
You have a way, Helen.
So do you.
How about getting into bed while I have my bath? Eventually.
I'm not tired somehow.
Oh, that's different.
Paralysis usually sets in during the pudding, or on the bathroom rug while you're doing stomach exercises.
I have been known to tow you into the bedroom.
That's why I never had children.
If I got pregnant, towing a man on a rug would be bad for me.
So in order to stop me getting pregnant, I fell for a man who keeps falling asleep on a rug.
Isn't my body clever? Won't be long.
I was just checking the time.
My watch is there.
The clock is there.
And you have another watch on your wrist.
I know.
I know.
I know.
However, we'd better check.
The time is now 12 midnight, so over to the newsroom I'm afraid they are all of the opinion that it's midnight.
We could call Greenwich, of course.
I'm just going to have my bath.
You want to join me? I wonder if they get undressed in front of each other.
Don't be stupid, of course they do.
They're married.
They do everything.
Every single thing he does with you, he does with her.
I bet he doesn't turn to her in the middle of the night, say, Jesus, it's two o'clock, I've got to go.
- Hello? - Hello.
Isn't it exciting? He said hello.
No midnight call.
No card.
Just hello.
Not even a loving hello.
Or an 'I'm sorry, hello'.
Just hello.
Kind of voice you'd use if you were caught blowing up a bank.
- Hello? - Maxine.
Oh, my God! He's doing it in numbers.
There we are, madam.
Thank you.
Are you sure you want to do this, sweetheart? Hm? Delivering wreaths, it's not a barrel of laughs.
It's to do with people who are dead.
- You know, they don't giggle a lot.
- It's all right, Jamie.
I feel like the ride, honestly.
You look after the shop.
If you're sure.
It's no way to spend your birthday.
Happy birthday.
Oh, you're too late.
I've been 34 for 10 hours now.
Try 35.
Would you excuse me, please? I have a dead person waiting for me.
Have you gone mad? I went mad the day I met you.
I stayed mad the whole time I was with you.
Today, I am better.
Could you tell me what I've done, please? I mean, it helps, you know.
'Don't leave me now', he said.
I was with him when he was alive.
I was with him when he died.
I sat with him in the parlour.
I'm here now.
And I'll be with him when they lower him in.
Lucky man.
I ask for no one but me.
Lucky lady.
You don't get loyalty these days.
Men are bastards these days.
He was a saint amongst bastards.
You lost someone? Nearly.
Just you listen to me.
If you think I'm going to let you wander off and suffer another of our long silences, you're wrong! I did try to ring you last night, but couldn't.
I did try to ring you this morning, but couldn't.
I did try again later, but couldn't.
Couldn't? Couldn't? What does that mean? It means that my life is just a little complicated.
For instance, I do have a wife.
I know you don't want to hear about it, but the fact is, I do.
And when you have a wife, she tends to be there, you know.
In the kitchen, in the hall, in the sitting room - In the bedroom.
- In the bedroom, yes.
Especially in the bedroom.
She's more noticeable in the bedroom, because there's this thing called a bed, you see.
And I'm the poor sod who has to lie there asking questions like, what am I doing? How is it going to end? What should I do? Which one of them is going to kill me today? All you want from me is sex.
Oh, God! Look, how can I only want to have sex with you? I'm too tired to have sex with anyone.
Well, of course you're too tired.
You deserve to be too tired.
You got two of us, haven't you? When did we last make love? Well, go on, when? - Epping Forest.
- Epping, that's right! Three weeks ago.
Three weeks ago! It was convenient three weeks ago, wasn't it? You'd had a good day, you'd finished your paperwork, your wife was at her mother's and your vitamins were beginning to work.
The ones I bought you.
I didn't ask you to buy me vitamins.
Did I ask you to buy me vitamins? Well, you didn't exactly ask, you just sat around my house like someone who had a brain operation.
Well, it's not easy you know, having two people, especially when you've only got one of everything.
We've been through all of this, haven't we? Can't we just have fun? Till it's all sorted out? Can't we just be nice to each other? I love you, you see.
Happy birthday.
Oh! Luke! What's the joke? Your car's still outside the cemetery.
There we are.
And 40 pence.
Okay, Jamie.
You can go to lunch now.
Everything all right? Oh, yes.
- Everything's fine.
- Good.
Oh, I am so sorry I'm late.
- You take your time.
- All right.
A lady paid for a plant, she'll call for it later with the car.
And we've got an order for four more bouquets.
Well, I'll see to those, you, you, off you go.
You've seen him again, haven't you? You got a lunch pass.
I know.
Take the good times.
- Can I help you? - Oh, yes, please.
I bought a plant.
But I didn't have the car.
- It was being serviced.
- Oh, yes, yes.
Jamie mentioned it.
I won't be a minute.
It's Mrs Mansel.
It's absolutely perfect.
I've tried everywhere to find a tall one.
I'm so glad I found you.
Can you manage? Oh, yes.
That's fine.
My husband will be at the other end to help me.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.

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