The Mistress (1985) s02e03 Episode Script

Series 2, Episode 3

1 - Hello? - Hello, sweetheart.
Oh, Jamie.
- I was going to phone you, but - But you slept in.
Yes, what I was going to ask you was - Will I open the shop? - Yes, please, because It's the last day of your week together and you'd quite like the day off? Oh, Jamie, how do you know all these things? Oh, it's in the voice, sweetheart.
It's always truthful, the voice.
No matter how much of a liar the rest of you is.
I'm already in the shop.
- But it's only eight o'clock.
- I've been here all night.
You've quarrelled with Robert again, haven't you? He went on and on all through dinner last night about his health.
First, we had his nerve rash, then his hay fever, then his rheumatism.
For pudding, we had his eyes, his back and his knees.
I thought, if I hang on long enough, his throat might pack up.
But no.
During coffee, he discovered a pain in erogenous zone.
So I left before he collapsed and died over the cheese board.
Oh, Jamie, I'm sorry.
Are you alright? I'm fine, sweetheart.
I'm fine.
I slept with the flowers.
At least they don't snore.
But I think I might have been pollinated.
How's thingamajig? Oh, he's fine.
He's upstairs trying to sing in the shower.
Now I've got the day off, we'll drive off after breakfast.
Oh, Jamie, it is wonderful.
Oh, make the most of it, sweetheart.
Come back soon.
- Yes, all right.
See you.
- Bye.
You can't sing, my darling.
You might be good at some things, but you just can't sing.
See if you're any better at laying the table.
I don't think I feel like any breakfast.
Why? I don't know.
I think I overdid that gooey stuff with the thingamajig sauce and the chocolate, um, whatnot on it.
Oh, well, just have some coffee then.
- Right.
- Jamie's minding the shop.
So where are we going today? - Anywhere you like.
- Let's just get in the car and go.
I've got to be back at three.
Yeah, I know.
Well, we've still got plenty of time.
Helen's plane lands at 4:30.
I know.
In fact, two would be better.
Well, that gives us still six hours.
Well, it takes an hour to get to the airport.
I know.
I haven't been near the house, it's just as Helen left it.
It's obvious I haven't been there.
I'll have to call in and, uh, - untidy it a bit.
- Yes.
And I've got to collect the cat.
We've had a wonderful week, haven't we? Yes.
- No worries.
- No, no worries.
Oh, it's been heaven, seeing you every evening.
Racing home to get my omelets right.
Knowing that I'm going to hear your key in the door, knowing you're going to be there at breakfast time, phoning you at the shop, you phoning me at the office.
Oh, it's it's been.
Oh, it's, it's, if we were Nothing.
So it's been nothing? - Silly.
- Something? I told you, I told you all the things it's been.
But you didn't tell me the last bit.
- Why are you looking at my watch? - Ah! I left mine upstairs.
- It's eight o'clock.
- I know that now.
Why do you want to know what time it is? It's eight o'clock in the morning.
Why? Is there a rule about that? You didn't look at it yesterday morning or the morning before.
- How did you know I didn't? - Well, I just do.
When you look at your watch, bells ring in my head.
A siren goes off in my knees.
A whistle blows in my stomach.
My ears clang.
My brain gongs.
There isn't a single little bit of me that doesn't know when you're looking at your watch.
Come on.
It's because she's coming back, isn't it? Everything's got to change now, hasn't it? His wife is coming back from Paris, get back into your little box, Max.
You know it isn't like that.
Being with you this past week has been the happiest time we've had together.
I want it to go on and on, my darling.
- But it can't, you know that.
- Why? Because she, as you insist on calling her, does exist, I can't hurt her.
You're hurting me.
But we knew we were going to hurt each other.
We planned it, for God's sake.
Oh, so I'm never going to be anything but your mistress? We don't know that, do we? I'm never going to spend Christmas, Easter, birthdays with you.
I'm never going to go on holiday with you? I'm never going to go to a party with you.
I'm never going to do anything.
I'm just going to be eat, bed, and run, is that it? Okay.
Tell me what you want me to do.
Go on, tell me.
- You know what I want.
- Tell me.
I want every week to be like this week.
Where do we begin? - With Helen, I suppose.
- Fine.
Go on.
Well, you, you, you, uh, you explain to her.
I see.
By the way, I've got a lover and when I work late at the office, I don't work late at the office, I go to her.
Okay, then what? Then you leave her.
Well, somebody has to suffer, why is it always me? - And then comes you.
- Yes.
I didn't realise it was as easy as that.
Well, I'll call the airport now and leave a message to say that I won't be there.
Might as well plunge in.
- You can't do that.
- Why? Well, because it's unkind.
Oh, I see, it's unkind not to meet her.
But leaving her is alright? You know, you are making it deliberately impossible! I am not making it impossible.
It is impossible.
Don't you see? I think you'd better go.
You'd better go back, collect the cat, sort yourself out, take your time.
And I'll see you next time round.
Max, I love you.
- I want babies, Luke.
- Of course, darling, of course.
I'm going to be too old to have them soon.
- No, you won't.
- And you'll be too old for anything.
We're going to limp up the aisle with our bifocals.
And our dentures.
And our hormone implants.
What are you talking about? I didn't mean to love you like this.
I know.
I know.
Mwah! That's what they all say.
Oh! - What's the matter? - I can't move.
- Luke, are you serious? Luke? - Oh! What is it? Going to Mars, are we? I'm taking him to the hospital.
He's very ill.
Why have you got him all parcelled up like that? He's in pain.
He can't straighten up.
Please, officer, he's very sick.
All right.
Off you go then.
But take it easy.
If you brake suddenly, he'll go through that windscreen like an air pellet.
Cottage Hospital, sorry to keep you waiting.
Could I have ward seven, please? - Ward seven? - Yes.
Could you please tell me how Mr Mansel is? He's just been admitted, uh, for a, appendicitis.
Who's enquiring, please? Well, um, the thing is, um a friend.
He's down in theatre.
Perhaps if you rang back in say half an hour? Yes, alright.
I will.
Thank you so much.
'I haven't been near the house, it's just as Helen left it.
It's obvious I haven't been there.
' Well, well, it's lift-off Lil again.
You're just going to find this very hard to believe.
I am, yes.
I'm taking his clothes, the man who was ill, I'm taking his clothes back to his house.
Well, he was in a dressing gown, you might have noticed? I might, yes.
He's, he's just a friend.
He was just visiting, um, staying, that is, um, it's not what you think.
It's not sordid.
Not exactly Janet and John stuff though, is it? I'm sorry.
Just book me or fine me, or whatever it is.
I'm just in such a hurry.
Will you be turbo-ing this way again? Or can we let the children out now? Oh, this is it, I promise.
- Go on.
- Oh, thank you.
You're wonderful.
Orange juice, orange juice Spoon.
Uh, uh, oh, help, help, I'm all alone! My wife's away.
And I'm going to bait.
Help, help! Oh.
It was all so cozy, so - Married.
- Yes.
Her nightie was on her bed.
Her creams, her jars, her everything was everywhere.
It was clean and tidy and shining.
I felt like an intruder.
Come on, sweetheart.
She's going to spend a fortune.
I can feel it in the water.
Can I help you, darling? Or do you want to browse? How much is that plant young man? That one? ï½£6.
33, madam.
I'll have it.
Thank you.
- How often do I water it? - Oh, twice a week.
- Does it like sun? - Sunlight, not actual sun.
A window sill? Uh, yeah, providing it's not too drafty.
With a radiator underneath.
Oh, I'd keep it away from radiators, if I were you.
Does it need anything else? Yes, spray it once a week, twice if you remember.
Oh, yes.
Um And a little plant food.
Once a fortnight.
Can I have some flowers instead? 'Love, Max and family.
' Tomorrow, perhaps.
I'll wait with baited breath, madam.
Thank you.
For God's sake, what am I wrapping this for? He'll never get it.
Oh, come on, sweetheart.
I can't go to the hospital, in case she's there.
I can't send him a flower in case she sees it.
When I ring, they ask who I am, and I have to say I'm a friend.
If he died, I'd be the last to know.
Well, a mistress role's to do with life, sweetheart.
When he's dead, he's his wife's problem.
I feel jealous, Jamie.
Ah, now, I know that feeling.
Robert went off with a Spanish guy once.
I felt like destroying everything.
The Spanish Tourist office, the little waiter at Dino's, Mexico, Argentina, and anybody who ate garlic or had a balcony.
Don't you think you ought to phone the hospital? Must be all of ten minutes.
Uh Good morning, Cottage Hospital.
Oh, uh, uh, ward seven, please.
Ward seven.
Could you tell me how Mr Mansel is, please? Who's enquiring, please? A friend.
I see.
Well, since you're not family, I can't give you any details, but, uh, Mr Mansel's had his operation and he's quite comfortable.
Oh, oh, good.
I wonder if you could.
Could you give him a message for me, please? I suppose that would be alright.
Well, could you tell him, it's very important, that Max rang and there's nothing to worry about.
I've untidied everything.
Max rang.
There's nothing to worry about.
I've untidied everything.
That's, that's right.
Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
Luke? Luke, darling, it's me.
How are you feeling? Oh.
Thank you for getting me here.
I didn't get you here, darling.
I've just come back from Paris.
The hospital left your message at the airport.
Oh, uh, sorry, I, I feel, uh Yes, just rest, darling, just rest now.
How did you get here? Hello.
Well now, Mr Mansel, how are you? I'm fine.
I'm just fine.
I'm, uh, just going to pop this into your mouth, okay? Could I take my husband's clothes with me when I go? He didn't have any clothes, he came in his bathrobe.
Well, I'll take his pyjamas then, if I may, and bring some clean ones back later.
He didn't have any pyjamas on.
Poor darling.
It must have been awful for you.
Of all the times for me to go away.
It's alright.
It's alright.
Did you call an ambulance? No.
A taxi? No.
A friend? No.
You didn't walk here? No.
I drove here.
Drove? Darling, that was dangerous.
I managed.
You brave, clever man.
Don't worry, darling, we'll get it right between us.
You're tired.
I think I'll go now, darling.
Let you get some rest.
I'll come back soon when I've unpacked and tidied the house a bit.
Oh, the house.
Oh, my God, the house! Darling, don't worry about that.
It doesn't matter.
I'll come back soon.
It's all tidied.
I did it just before.
- I know.
- I did the house.
It's all tidy.
Yes, all right, just rest now, darling.
I left the house tidy.
It's all tidy.
I forgot to tell you, Mr Mansel, a Max rang, she said, nothing to worry about, she's untidied everything.
Nurse, you think you could arrange for my sudden death? Did you have a nice week off, Jo? Your holiday, was it nice? - It no good.
- Oh.
Why? My husband, he rubbish.
I thought things were getting better? Things no better.
Things more bad.
Oh, dear, I am sorry.
He nice man, your man.
Before I went away, people kept ringing up and saying, 'I'd like to talk to Mr Mansel before he leaves for Australia.
' He never was going to Australia.
And at the airport, a woman rang.
It's very good.
While I was away, he used the red toothbrush.
He never uses the red toothbrush.
I gave it to him, but he said it was unlucky.
And yet he used it.
He nice teeth.
And he slept on the wrong side of the bed.
The side he hates.
My rubbish, he sleeps all over the bed.
Soon I go, whoosh, like that.
You mean leave him? Soon.
I go whoosh, like that.
How brave of you.
Oh, Max.
Is this alright? Are you expecting anyone? Oh, Max.
- How are you? - I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Isn't this silly? - Yeah.
- I brought you a daisy.
- Right.
- I got it from me, so I got it cheap.
Anyway, I was going to send it, but it looks a bit obvious, doesn't it, a single daisy? I love you.
I love you.
I want to touch you.
- A week.
- A week? I nearly died.
Oh, oh, I'm glad you didn't.
Cause I'd only have followed you, you know.
Oh, God.
And then we were both dead, and you finally asked me to marry you, we could live in this great big, enormous house, you at one end, me at the other.
And we'd meet in the middle secretly.
We wouldn't actually be married then.
Oh, yes, we'd be married.
But we wouldn't spoil anything by admitting it.
Hang on.
Hang on.
It sounds ecstatic, but I have a question.
- Oh, what's that? - Would the bloody rabbit be there? Oh yes.
And the cat.
I'm only talking, you know, it's, it's just not Alright.
Alright, Mr Mansel? Yes, yes, I'm fine.
Thought I heard voices.
No, no, that was - Shall I put that in water for you? - Yeah.
Luke, darling.
You look wonderful.
So do you.
Are you getting up? Yeah.
They get me out of bed from time to time.
You can leave the day after tomorrow, they tell me.
Oh, home, can't wait.
How was Paris? You're having an affair, aren't you? I know some people would say, 'Let him get better, Helen.
Not now, Helen.
Now is not the right time, Helen.
' But it is the right time for me, Luke.
You needn't worry.
I'm not going to shout or cry.
I'm not going to say, 'Why? How could you, you bastard? ' I'm going to help you.
Help me? To go.
Go? Yes.
Go where? Wherever you want to go.
Aren't you going to explain to me why you think I'm having an affair? No.
You've just made up your mind that I am? Yes.
Do I have custody of the cat? Or you? It's not a time for joking, Luke.
No jokes, please.
Helen, I'd be glad to talk to you, but not now.
I mean I, wait till I get home, we'll talk then.
She can have you.
She can have all of you.
The bits that are nice, the bits that are rotten.
The bits that love.
The bits that lie.
She can have the whole lot.
And when she's sitting at her dinner table proudly serving the meal she's taken her whole life to make, spoon feeding your mind with endless trivia, just to get a conversation out of you, she might realise that the actual affair was the best bit.
Poor unarmed, unaware, unsuspecting cow.
Hi, Mrs Mansel, you can have him back soon.
- Hello? - Max.
Oh, Luke, how are you? - Max, I've got to talk to you.
- Listen, listen, listen, I've been thinking.
Now, listen, you're married, you have a duty and I must accept the situation and I will, I will from now on.
I mean, if we tried to change anything the magic would go.
Imagine you and I living together.
We're meant to be lovers.
I think it's beautiful the way it is.

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