The Mistress (1985) s02e05 Episode Script

Series 2, Episode 5

There's your grub.
I'll leave it there.
I'm going to have a cup of tea now.
See you later.
Jamie? Hey.
I saw the van.
I thought you were asleep.
I've been creeping about.
What happened? When I got to the cottage, it had a sold notice on it.
I told you I was out of touch with Jenny.
She's obviously sold it, so I had to come straight back here last night.
Oh, sweetheart.
- Cup of tea? It's already made.
- Oh, wonderful.
Oh, will you let the cat in from the garden? Yeah, will do.
'I'm sorry our lunch hour turned into an argument.
Still we do a lot of that lately, don't we? ' 'Lt's only because we can't be together properly.
You're always playing hide and seek with the world, it's so shady.
' 'You knew the drawbacks.
I never kidded you.
' Do you know, I've heard so many theories about what it's like in heaven.
All I hope is I can get a cup of tea up there.
- What are you going to do? - Oh, I don't know.
We don't seem to be able to talk to each other any more nowadays and when we quarrel, he says silly things like, 'Okay, okay, why don't I just go out and get run over? ' Ooh.
It'll be alright, sweetheart.
I tried to call him last night from a phone box.
He was out.
Or didn't answer.
I didn't know what I was going to say to him.
It was just a sudden need.
Never mind, if he can be out or not answer through a few more of those, I'm home and dry.
Hurts though, doesn't it? Oh, Jamie.
It hurts.
I love him, you see.
Oh, he's aggravating, thoughtless and selfish.
He never even said, 'One day it'll be us, or I'll leave Helen and come to you.
' When he said I love you, I thought I'd get more emotion out of a speaking clock.
Robert's moving out.
Oh, Jamie! You too.
Yes, he'll be back.
He likes to pack and leave about every four weeks.
He likes the turbulence.
Another row? I don't row with him any more.
He rows with himself.
And then he packs and leaves.
And then he comes back.
I just sit back and let him do it all.
Every time he leaves he takes this plant.
It's the only thing in the flat that belongs to him, so he takes it with him.
Up the stairs, down the stairs, bits of it keep falling off.
Poor thing.
Every time he picks up a suitcase, he tries to jump out of its pot.
He's a silly one.
Come on, sunshine.
Let's see what the world's got to throw at us this morning.
I'll open the shop.
I'll see you later.
I love you, Jamie.
Oh, stop it, you sexy slut.
When you talk like that I don't know which way I'm going.
There must be somebody else.
There must be somebody in this great big world.
Somewhere out there.
There must be somebody else.
So what you are saying is that after the age of 30, a woman needs to pay special attention to her skin? Yes.
For instance, she can avoid things like butter, sugar, tea and coffee.
And the skin needs water, not cream.
So she can get into the habit of spraying the skin with pure mineral water before applying her moisturiser.
Thank you for that information.
Now what about body skin? We don't hear much about that, do we? She can do the same.
Or instead of towelling herself after a bath, she can let the water dry on her body.
It says here in your article that milk is very good for the skin.
Milk is very stimulating.
And diluted lemon juice is very good.
It takes away those nasty brown patches.
And of course we mustn't forget the most fragile skin is beneath the eyes.
For this, a little slice of cold cucumber works wonders.
And finally we come to the breasts.
Most women worry about this part of themselves, don't they? Yes.
They do.
And splashing with cold water is recommended.
Or something cold like a towel soaked in ice water is very good for firming the breasts.
The colder, the better.
Thank you very much, Eileen Harrow.
The colder the better.
The colder the better.
I'm sorry, I didn't know you were back.
I just thought I'd call in, that's all.
Well, how are you feeling? Your stitches out? Yes, yes, they're out.
They make a good job of it, did they? Still be able to wear the old bikini.
I'm worn out.
Trying to work things out.
God, I feel as if I've got three heads.
I looked at Nancy's face last night.
I thought if I looked at it long enough I might be able to think out why it was I hated her.
It was, you know, pale, smooth, and quite attractive.
And I was just warming to it when she looked up from her prawn curry, 'Must you make that noise when you eat? ' she yelled at me.
And suddenly that face looked like a balloon with all of the air left out of it.
And I realised that thinking things out doesn't work.
The three most complicated things in life are a woman's face, a woman's mind, and a folding deck chair.
Oh, it's a brave thing though.
I mean, having an affair.
Right or wrong.
- It's brave.
- It's crazy.
I smiled at a woman on a train once.
And Nancy must have picked up the vibes on her antennae.
She didn't eat her curry that night.
No, she sat and played with it for hours.
Oh, I know about those silences, Simon.
Sometimes when I've been out with, um I felt as if Helen knew.
But she couldn't, of course, then.
But she used to sit there with an innocent glow all round her, like a religious painting.
God, it unnerved me.
Why didn't you tell her? Press the button? Blow it all up? Cause I wasn't sure.
I'm still not sure about anything.
I'm not sure whether my other person loves me, or that I love her.
I'm not sure that I've stopped loving Helen.
Or that Helen stopped loving me.
I'm not sure this is me talking.
You're right in it, aren't you, mate? Right in it.
- I wish I could help.
- That's all right.
No one can.
I need all my energy for hating Nancy.
- So what's on the agenda? - Nothing.
- You got no plans then? - They'll have all the plans.
- All I got to do is wait.
- For what? Who knows, Simon? Who knows? Sorry, won't be a minute.
'Now he would do wonderfully.
He's a sensible age.
He has style, looks, charm.
And a wife.
' 'Hm, bit young.
Daring though.
Good looking.
Sense of humour.
Take your eyes off him for five minutes, he'd flirt with your mother.
' 'Oh, yes, he'd do.
Right age, animal lover, nice upright walk Let's face it.
The world is full of them.
' Oh.
You're back.
I mean, you're not back.
But you're here.
I've decided not to go.
Good, I'm pleased.
After all, it is my house too.
It is, indeed, I wanted to say that.
It's me who has cared for it, polished it, cleaned it, slaved in it.
Formidable task, I've learned that.
So you can go.
- Me go? - Yes.
You want me to walk through that door? I don't care how you do it, you can go through the windows if you like.
Where? Where do I go? To her, isn't that the obvious place? Do I get any say in all this? I mean, I know it's my life you're conducting, but don't I get to choose any of the music? I don't want a scene, Luke.
Oh, you don't want a scene, you just want to blow up the mountain, but you'd prefer it if nobody noticed? Don't you think a conversation's a good idea? You know, words, sentences, those noises we make with our mouths? The only noises your mouth makes are lies.
Have I lied? When do I lie? I don't know.
I can't tell any more.
Your mouth makes the right noises, but your face lies.
I have no control over my face.
Has nothing to do with the rest of me.
I have no doubt it will smile whilst you are feeding me slowly through the emotional mangle.
Oh, so you're the hurt one now, are you? Yes, as a matter of fact, I think I am.
After all, it's me who's been working my balls off trying to please Both of us? I don't think I want to hear the details of your sordid other life.
Sordid? Isn't that how people describe adultery? Couldn't be described, I suppose, as romantic, or moving, or sad, or love? Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Well at least you've admitted it.
At last.
You know, I used to worry about me.
I mean, about me being right for you.
Me being the proper little wife.
Everything clean, everything standing to attention.
I love that part of you.
Do you? Wouldn't you have liked to come home and find me languishing on the sofa among the washing and ironing with a sequin in my navel and my garters on fire? Wouldn't suit you.
- Does it suit her? - Doesn't suit me.
If I'd done imaginative things, like leaping into bed with my boots on.
I used to arrange my dressing gown, so that when I leaned forward, you would thunder with excitement.
But you were always in a hurry.
Or asleep.
I ended up fighting off that awful little man from number 27, who kept losing his gerbil.
You did everything perfectly.
Then why, Luke? Why? I don't know.
I don't know.
Where did you meet her? In a café.
Oh, God, Luke, you're not one of those men who go around all the tables checking for dessert, are you? No, course not.
She sat by me.
I couldn't stop it.
I didn't want to stop it.
Oh, for God's sake, you must have seen someone.
Someone must have moved you at some time.
Oh, yes.
I fancied the butcher round the corner.
Why else do you think we've got a herd of cows in the freezer? Well, then.
How do you mean, 'Well, then'? At least you know what it's like to to You mean, I should have gone to bed with him? No.
Not unless you wanted to.
But I did want to.
But I didn't.
But you're a woman.
It's different.
Nature made it that way.
A man is supposed to be responsible for the continuation of the universe.
Then you haven't done much towards it, have you? We've no children.
You nearly had a nervous breakdown when I brought a kitten home.
If left to you, the universe would come to a dead stop.
Did you love her? I think so.
- And now? - It's finished.
Don't worry, I've paid my dues.
Oh, you mean, she left you? And I'm left with the remains of you.
- No, I don't mean that.
- Okay.
I left you.
She didn't want the remains of you.
She left the remains of you, and left me a blob.
If that's the way you see it.
I couldn't bear it at my sister's.
I'd rather live here with a mess, than somewhere else with someone else's mess.
And I couldn't live here on my own with our mess.
We're trapped, aren't we? Until sanity returns, yes.
How's your appendix? It's fine.
It's fine.
- Excuse me, is this seat taken? - No.
Can I help you? Um, yes, I'd like, uh, a toasted cheese on brown and a chocolate gateau with ice cream and a coffee, please.
Thank you.
Uh, excuse me, could I have a tea please? Indian, China, herbal, nectar or chamomile? Er, I don't care what kind it is, as long as when I swallow it, I can truthfully say, 'Ah, tea! ' Thank you.
Probably has awful tea bags full of the stuff they sweep up from the factory floor.
That's why I drink coffee.
My boss is a coffee addict.
He never stops.
I said to him, 'The inside of your stomach must look like the outside of a football.
' Still he's, um got problems, you know.
- Relationships.
- Oh, those.
One tea, sir.
He's always tense.
He came the office this morning, said he felt as though he'd got three heads and a headache in each.
I've just been to get some aspirin for them.
Sounds a bit of a mess, this boss of yours.
Well, I said to him, 'Luke, I said, don't try to reason things out.
Move on.
' Where to? Hm.
Somewhere new.
Someone new.
Someone who doesn't love you.
Like my Nancy.
She hates me.
I hate her.
You see, as soon as people start to love each other, they slowly, systematically whittle each other down like a boiled sweet.
What did he, um, what did he say, this, uh Luke? Oh.
Simon', he said, 'I'm confused, I give up.
Why don't I just go out and get run over? ' It's the phrase of the month.
I must get back.
Before he grows a fourth head.
There's not enough aspirin to go round.
I'll see you.
It doesn't stay.
It doesn't wander like a lazy dog through every day.
It is always just ahead or just behind.
' What rubbish.
Is this place taken? Er, no.
No, it isn't.
What? Thanks.
- There you are.
- Thank you.
Hello, what would you like? Oh, um, just coffee, please.
Black, strong, desperate.
Do you mind if I smoke? No.
I'm sorry.
I'll move that.
It's alright.
Does this, does this bother you? - No.
- Thanks.
Black, strong, and desperate.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry, but there are dozens of empty tables, God knows why I sat here harassing you.
There's room in the world for all of us.
So you want to sit at this table, so you want to smoke, so you want to play with your Walkman, so you need the sugar.
No one would even notice if you didn't keep apologising.
I'm in a state.
You're in a state too? Oh, yes.
- A man? - Mm-hm.
A woman.
- A woman.
- What else? She's much older than me.
33, in fact.
Oh, dear.
She hasn't got anything going for her, has she? But she doesn't look it.
I'll listen to your problem, you tell me her secret.
I've known her for two years, closely.
- You know what I mean? - Oh, I know what you mean.
She's married.
Her name isn't Helen, is it? No.
Why do you say that? Oh, nothing.
My sense of humour struggled back to life for a minute.
Forget it.
It just died again.
Well, that's it, really.
We just carry on seeing each other, closely.
The strain is getting to me.
I had to talk.
I'm Please, don't apologise.
I keep wondering what it'll be like when everything's out in the open.
And will her husband kill me? Will I kill her husband? Will she kill us both? Will we all kill each other? No, it's not as tidy as that.
I suppose I should stop seeing her, really.
Yes, you should.
- I can't somehow.
- I know.
Sometimes I think if I hadn't met her, I'd be like the rest of the chaps now, having fun, being free.
Well, you are free, it's only the fun that's missing.
Suppose you're happily married with kids and a dog and a Barclay card? What's your name? Leon.
Leon, would you like to order two more coffees? I think this conversation is going to last a while.
Do I get paid for this? Of course not.
Where else would you get free psychiatric treatment? Oh, God! Oh, there's more.
Never mind, I'll buy you a coffee on the way back.
Can I have a beer, please? I'll pay the extra.
Go on, up you get.
Up that hill, round the corner.
- Past the Alsatian.
- And that bull.
What about the bull? He didn't do anything.
It's lucky.
I had to clear the fence.
I bet when I go back there, it's standing there with its head down, and its horns honed in on my bum.
Never mind, it'll take your mind off things.
It'll transfer my mind from one catastrophe to another.
Oh, God.
My back's gone now.
Oh! Oh, my God! How much did you say these cost you? A fortune.
You go and tell him.
I'll do this.
Um, excuse me! Excuse me, we, uh, we seem to be having a bit of a problem here.
Hello? Have you ever thought of going into the manure business? Did you let the cat in? I opened the door.
Something wandered in.
I'll say goodnight then.
Oh, right.
Will you be all right in the spare room? Yes.
Only I'm smaller, perhaps I should have the single bed.
It's alright.
It's fine.
See you in the morning then.
Yes? My watch.
- It's here.
- Thanks.
There is one other thing.
What? There a couple of dead earwigs on the window sill.
Oh, they're always coming in.
It's the dahlias in the window box.
Well, the thing is, I don't like earwigs.
They can't harm you, they're dead.
No, you don't understand, I don't like them dead either.
Well, put them down the loo then.
I don't want to, for Christ's sake! Why do you plant dahlias right under the bedroom window when you know they bring earwigs in? I didn't know you were going to sleep in that bedroom, did I? There aren't any under this window.
They travel for God's sake.
Like you, you mean.
There are no earwigs in this bedroom.
It's alright.
I don't want you, but I know you.
Knowing each other is all there is left now.
I thought it'd be lonely in there.
It's lonely everywhere.
That wine was lethal, wasn't it? No.
We just had a lot.
What are you doing here? Oh, I'm sorry I woke you.
I thought you needed a teddy bear.
Platonic teddy bears.
Who's making breakfast in the morning? The first one to find the kitchen.
That's good.
You know where it is.
I forget.
Well, at least we've stopped thinking about them for a while.

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