The Munsters (1964) s01e01 Episode Script

Munster Masquerade

Uh, Tom? Before we say good night, wouldn't you like to come in for a minute? Mm-hmm! And meet my folks.
Oh, you always bring that up.
Why do I have to meet your folks? Well, I've been out with you a lot, and my aunt and uncle would like to meet you.
And your family.
[Inhales Sharply] They're sort of old-fashioned.
Well, I'll tell you what.
My parents are having that party that you're coming to next week, so why don't I get them to invite your, uh [Door Banging] Uh Aah! Aah! Oh! It is your aunt and uncle, isn't it? Yes.
Are you all right? It is your aunt and uncle? Yes, I've lived with them since I was a baby.
Well, come here, baby.
Mm! [Kissing Sound] They're standing real close, Lily.
Uh, you know, this is the fourth date she's had with that young man.
Oh, yes.
It's amazing how some boys will overlook a girl's appearance.
Sh-sh-sh-sh! [Door Creaks, Closes] Uh, have a good time, Marilyn? Uh-huh.
And guess what? Tom's parents are giving a party next week, and I think you're both going to be invited.
Well! I think it's high time we met this young man's parents.
You can't be too careful these days.
There are a lot of strange people in this world.
A party.
Sounds wonderful.
You know, we don't get out at night as much as we used to.
Well, I'm going up to bed.
[Kissing] See you in the morning.
Good night, dear.
[Herman] Good night.
[Gasps] By the way, Tom says it's going to be a masquerade party.
Well, I suppose we'll just have to go, for Marilyn's sake.
But I wish it weren't a masquerade.
I know what you mean.
If there's anything that disturbs me, Lily, it's the idea of grown people like us dressing up in costume and looking ridiculous.
Tom, dear, your father and I will be happy to invite your little girlfriend to the masquerade party, but really now now, now the whole family.
I mean, just who are the Munsters? Mother, they are simply her aunt and uncle.
[Scoffs] And if they're anything like Marilyn, I'm sure they're lovely, charming people.
All right, but I do so hope the society columns won't misspell the Munsters' name on the guest list.
I'd hate to have my friends read that we'd entertained a couple of Monsters.
Oh, Dad.
Thanks very much for putting in a word with Mom.
[Sighs] If we invite Marilyn's folks, well [Chuckles] It'll really help me out with her.
You know how it is.
Son, I haven't known how it is for years.
If the Dalys are anything like their handwriting, they must fall over backwards a lot.
This party'll give us a chance to look over the boy's parents.
We wouldn't want Marilyn marrying into the wrong sort of family.
I've never heard of these Dalys, and after all, we Munsters are a very old family.
You're right, dear.
It's not as if someone just dug us up yesterday.
Look! They didn't invite me? Why, I've never been so insulted since the day I died.
And besides, as Marilyn's grandfather, I should be there! But, Grandpa, we don't even know Mr.
And Mrs.
We can't just take you along.
If I don't get to go, I'll use my magic powers.
I'll turn myself into chopped liver and show up in the hors d'oeuvres.
Now, Grandpa, will you calm down? I won't! I won't! I won't.
! If I don't get to go, I'll sit here and hold my breath till the color comes back in my cheeks.
You're being a big, spoiled baby.
Well, I suppose I could ask the Dalys to invite him.
It's better than having him come as chopped liver.
Thank you.
Of course, Mrs.
Daly and I will be happy to have dear Grandpapa.
Not at all, Mrs.
You're quite welcome.
[Hangs Up Receiver] Albert, I'm afraid those Munsters are frightful pushers.
Munster just wheedled an invitation for some old grandpapa they've got kicking around the house.
- You couldn't put her off? - How could I? She gave me this sob story.
Said when someone's been living with you for hundreds of years, he's just like one of the family.
Now what on earth could she have meant by that? You must have misunderstood her, dear.
The way things are going, the only worse thing that could happen would be if it rained on the night of our party.
[Thunderclap] Boy, look at the neat lightning.
I sure hope it hits our house.
Eddie, how do you like me as Priscilla? Corny.
Why don't you dress up as a lady gorilla or something pretty like that? I don't think even that would help me.
If you're going to a masquerade party, who am I gonna have for a babysitter? Mrs.
Morton, the mother of one of my girlfriends.
She's a very nice lady who just loves little boys.
[Clanking] Hey, Dad! Uncle Herman, you make a simply wonderful King Arthur.
Daddy? Are you in there? Hello, "dere.
" [Chuckles] [Chuckles] What's Aunt Lily coming as? Uh, she hasn't let me see her costume.
She's being coy.
[Lily] Yoo-hoo.
- Lily? - Guess who? - Who? - Little Bo Peep.
[Muffled] Lily! Uh, uh, you scared me out of a century's growth.
- How do I look? - Positively awful.
Thank you.
[Chuckles] It's amazing what they can do with makeup.
Eddie, don't forget to give Spotty his supper, and then go on up to bed.
Oh, and don't forget to wash behind your points.
Okay, if I have to.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
Good night, Eddie.
Good night, Eddie.
[Squawking] At the sound of the tone, the time is 8:09.
[Squawks] Nevermore.
Why don't you pipe down? [Muffled] Pipe down! [Door Banging] That must be Tom.
[Wind Howling] Hello, Priscilla.
Hi, John Alden.
Where's your raincoat? Why, it's the most beautiful weather all over town.
It's only raining in this block.
Crazy! Tom, I want you to come in and meet my aunt and uncle.
Tom, this is my Aunt Lily.
How do you do? How do you do? [Chuckles] It's a It's a great pleasure.
This is, uh It's uh, uh, uh, quite a house you have here.
Why, there's a fine old relic.
- [Clanks] - Tom, my uncle's in there! Oh, the masquerade! I'm I'm terribly sorry, sir.
L Gadzooks, that smarts.
Well, we'll see you all at the masquerade.
You're going to love my parents.
They're a They're a gas.
We're certainly looking forward to meeting your parents, Thomas.
Now, you children have fun.
Oh, don't worry about us.
I'm I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Oh, uh, quite all right.
Quite all right.
Nice to have bumped into you.
Grandpa? Hurry it up! [Banging] [Bottles Rattling] I'll be there in a minute! I'm still working on my costume! Let me see.
Jack the Ripper, Fairy Godmother, Dr.
Jekyll, Mr.
Hyde Mr.
Hyde! [Laughing] Mr.
Hyde! Ooh, that's quick, sure-fire, and got Frederic March his first Academy Award.
?? [Humming] ?? [Continues Humming] [Bubbling] Cheers.
[Gulping] Ahh! [Sighing] Well, come on already.
You know, I don't have all day! [Winces, Screams] [Continues Screaming] Nothin'! It's still me.
Oh, boy! Somebody up there's been cuttin' this stuff again.
Herman? No matter what these Dalys are like tonight, I want you to remember to be gracious and polite.
Don't worry, dear.
In spite of this silly costume, I'll be my own charming, natural self.
I'm every inch a gentleman.
In fact, several gentlemen.
[Both Laughing] [Armor Squeaking] [Sighing] Ooh.
Ooh! [Laughs] You feel so nice and cold.
Albert, the guests will be arriving soon.
Are you ready? [Albert]Just a second, dear.
And, Albert, for Tom's sake, no matter what you think of those Munster people, I don't want you doing or saying anything to offend them.
You know me better than that, dear.
Our little boy, Eddie, is playing in his room, Mrs.
I'm sure he won't give you any trouble.
Of course he won't.
I've been a babysitter for 20 years, and there's nothing in the world that can faze me.
Why, Grandpa.
You really look like Napoleon.
Oh, it was easy.
I just combined the bottles marked Charles Boyer, General de Gaulle, and Marlon Brando.
Come on, Lily.
We'd better get going.
Oh, Mrs.
This is my husband, Mr.
- Oh, how do you do? - How do you do? Oh, yes, and this is my father, the Count.
My pleasure! Grandpa! Grandpa? L-I think it's stopped raining.
Well, let's try not to let it spoil our evening! Well, good night, Mrs.
Make yourself at home.
Oh! And if Eddie's pet, Spotty, comes scratching at the back door, don't let him in.
Last time he ate the sofa.
[Laughs] Sofa.
[Laughs] Now, Grandpa, I want you to behave yourself tonight.
Don't get silly after two drinks and start telling those shaggy wolf stories of yours.
[Ringing Bell] We want to make a good impression, so let's keep the Munster dignity.
Oh, don't worry.
You can count on me to be in a very dignified vein.
Hello! I'm Mrs.
Juliet for tonight.
Uh, how do you do? We're the Munsters.
So nice of you to invite us.
And this must be Grandpapa! [Herman] Knock it off.
My! Aren't you a sweet little kitty? [Roaring] [Buzzing] [Continues] [Buzzes] [Buzzing Continues] Hello? This is Eddie, calling babysitter.
Can you read me? Yes, Eddie.
What is it? Request permission to skip bath tonight.
Skip your bath? Well, why would you want to do that, Eddie? We're all out of scalding water.
Well, l-I guess so.
You better get ready for bed now.
I'll be up soon to say good night.
Roger Wilco.
Over and out.
?? [Descending Arpeggio] ?? [Ascending Arpeggio] - [Roaring] - [Squawks] Nevermore, you cat fink.
?? [Rock And Roll] [Laughs] Herman.
Allow me.
Thank you.
[Gurgling] Grandpa! Would you do me a big favor? Anything, my dear.
Please dance with Mrs.
[Whimpering] Dance with her? Over my dead body! For me? [Liquid Sloshing] Ah, Mrs.
You make a lovely Juliet.
Oh! [Laughing] You remind me of one of my wives.
Really? I had 167 of them.
Oh! [Laughing] But of course, they're all dead now.
Oh, you must miss them! Oh, no! I visit them very often! You must excuse me.
Mother, what's the matter? I don't know why I let you talk me into inviting those horrible people! The Munsters are bad enough, but don't give that grandfather of theirs anything more to drink! He's positively snockered! Well, Little Bo Peep, I must say, you're light on your feet.
As if you were dancing on air.
[Laughing] Funny you should say that.
Uncle Herman? Have you met Tom's father yet? Uh, no.
It's his duty as a host to introduce himself to me.
Oh, don't stand on formality! Go over and say hello.
Be friendly.
Well Come on.
[Armor Creaking] All right.
Uh, excuse me.
Oh! Oh, hello.
I don't believe we've met.
- I'm Albert Daly.
This is Miss Hansen.
- How do you do? How do you do? I'm Herman Munster.
Uh, I can't quite place you, Mr.
Daly, but you remind me of someone I know.
Oh, really? But it's a shame, Mr.
Daly, you couldn't get a costume for your own masquerade party.
Wha'? What is it? What's the matter, dear? Agnes, that big, stupid King Arthur, he just insulted me.
I don't care if Tom does have a crush on their niece.
Those Munsters are the rudest people I ever met.
[Slow Breathing] [Wolf Howling] [Howling Continues] Eddie? Eddie? It's only me, Mrs.
I always do that when the moon comes up.
Oh! [Eddie] Here, Spot.
Here, Spot.
[Fierce Growling] [Chuckling] ?? [Jazz] Hi! Hungry? Let's skip the buffet.
What do you say John Alden and Priscilla go out on the patio and look for some Indians or something? Tom, I'm worried about my folks.
I don't think they're having a good time, and your parents have hardly spoken to them.
Well, I'll take care of that right now.
Here we are.
How do you do? Happy, happy? I'm sure you'll find something here that'll suit your taste.
Ah! I certainly do.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Eddie? Eddie, I have your milk.
Would you put it under the door? Now, Eddie, I want you to get into bed right away.
Do you hear me? That's just what I'm doing.
All right, then.
Good night.
Good night.
[Loud Clattering] [Thumping] Up we go! Quiet! Quiet, everybody! Please! Quiet! I have a little prize for the most original costume of the evening.
[Cheering, Clapping] [Man] I vote for George Washington! Thanks, boys.
[Woman] I vote for Daniel Boone! I vote for our hostess, Miss Juliet.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, please! No, not at my own party.
I vote for King Arthur! Come on, fella, take your helmet off! - Yeah, take it off.
Take it off.
- [Clamoring] [Laughing] Hey! He's wearing one mask under another mask! Oh, uh, thank you.
[Stammering] Thank you very much.
I'd just like to say that I'm sure, in his illustrious career, even King Arthur never had a more memorable night.
?? [Resumes] Come on, Herman.
We're leaving.
Leaving? But, Lily, I was just having fun.
And I just won a prize.
Oh, sure, sure.
For "wearing one mask under another.
" Lily? Lily! Don't you know when you've been insulted? Those people just tried to make a fool out of you.
[Mirror Cracking] You know something, Lily? This is my face.
I think they did insult me.
Oh, come on, Herman.
Tom Daly, your family did this whole thing just to embarrass my uncle.
Now you take me right home! Marilyn, what's going on? He wins first prize, and now you're all mad! Oh! You told me you had a fun family! [Yawns] Thank you so much, Mrs.
Oh, your little Eddie was no trouble at all.
If he didn't have that peculiar habit of howling like a wolf, I wouldn't have known he was in the house! Good night! Good night.
What did she mean by "Eddie's peculiar habit"? Don't all children howl when the moon comes up? Uh, someone's on the front porch.
Oh, it's probably Tom Daly bringing Marilyn home.
I do hope she's not too serious about him.
I'd hate to have those awful parents of his in this family.
Well, all the lights are off.
I guess your folks must have stopped off on the way home.
[Owl Hooting] You, uh, going to invite me in? I don't think I should.
[Sighs] Now, look.
I don't know what happened at the party tonight, but great big old John Alden just can't let Priscilla go into that cold, dark house all by herself.
Thanks anyway, Tom.
The least I can do is to come in and hold your trembling little hand.
Tom! What are you so nervous about? Listen.
Why don't I go out in the kitchen and fix some coffee? And, uh, you go on into the living room.
Turn on a light.
The switch is right beside the door.
Don't be too long.
Ooh, Tom.
Come right in.
Uh, hello, Thomas.
We just got out of our masquerade costumes, and we're relaxing.
You mean, you He She Oh, no! [Whimpering] Uncle Herman, what happened? Why is Tom running? I don't know.
It-It was extremely rude of him not even to say good-bye.
I'm not surprised.
With a family like that, how could he have any manners? Well, looks like I scared another one away.
But for once, I'm kind of glad.
I must say, there was something strange about that boy.
He had the weirdest hairdo I've ever seen.