The Munsters (1964) s01e03 Episode Script

[Groaning.]
- [Grunts.]
- Oh, there you are, Herman.
- Why haven't you come to bed? - I'm just going over these bills.
Oh, you've been reading in the dark again.
It'll ruin your eyes.
And then we'll have to get you another pair.
Lily, just look at this.
$103 for electricity! [Circuits Humming.]
[Rattling.]
Well, you know.
Grandpa needs a lot of electricity [Banging.]
To carry on his experiments in the dungeon.
Why can't he have his dungeon in the attic, where there's plenty of light? And that's not all.
There's taxes, food, braces for Eddie's fangs I tell ya.
I just can't sleep! You poor dear.
You do look dead on your feet.
Why don't you take a nice, long walk in the night air? It may help to clear your mind.
Okay, Lily.
I'll give it a try.
I think I'll talk a walk over to Midcity Park.
It's quiet over there.
Chief Harris, we're still getting complaints about that mysterious purse-snatcher who's been seen around Midcity Park.
All right, Sergeant.
Have them put a couple more squad cars in the area.
Yes, sir.
And tell them to pick up anybody who even looks suspicious.
Okay, Chief.
[Muttering.]
Good evening.
[Screaming.]
Oh! [Screams.]
Police! Police! I want to report a monster! Here's your breakfast, Eddie.
Thanks, Mom.
Good morning, dear.
Good morning, dear.
[Kissing Noises.]
Good morning, Marilyn.
Morning, Eddie! Morning, Pop.
! Good morning, everybody! Good morning, Grandpa.
[Lily, Marilyn.]
Good morning, Grandpa.
[Eddie Knocking Back.]
[Lily.]
How do you want your eggs, Grandpa? Gloomy-side up, please! Well, I'm off.
Good-bye, everybody.
Bye! Good-bye, dear.
Oh, the Angels won again! There's a frightening headline.
"Creature Terrorizes Midcity Park.
" "Last night, the police department received several reports "of what was described by eyewitnesses "as a fiendish monster roaming in Midcity Park at approximately 12:30 a.
m.
" Isn't that ridiculous? It just so happens that I was in the park last night, at that time! And I didn't see any fiends or monsters.
Well, I'd just as soon you wouldn't go walking in the park at night for a while.
Ketchup, please.
Gee, Dad.
Can I go with you to see the fiendish monster next time? Oh, for goodness' sakes, Eddie.
What's all this talk about fiends and monsters? There's no such thing.
Sit down and eat your breakfast.
Just to be on the safe side, I think we all ought to stay close to the house for the time being.
Lily, none of this talk is gonna stop me from taking my nightly walk.
I slept like a baby last night.
Walking seems to be the only thing that cures my insomnia.
Don't make such a big deal out of it.
Lots of people have insomnia, and you don't find them losing any sleep over it.
What's troubling you, anyway? Well, Grandpa, we've been having some financial worries lately.
[Chuckles.]
Well it just so happens that right now I am working on a fabulous invention that will make this family some big money.
- What kind of invention? - I'm not talking.
Why, that's the way Edison got the electric light away from me.
[Chattering.]
Quiet! Now, everybody, calm down! Just calm down.
- Now.
What did he look like? - Well, he was about nine feet tall.
And he was all green! [Gasping.]
I know that guy.
! He's theJolly Green Giant.
! It was only a matter of time till he ran amok.
And his hands were ice cold.
Yeah, I told ya.
It's that frozen food he handles.
He had no hair, and his eyes were bright red.
[Drunk.]
Oh, that's not true.
! Only the white parts were red.
[Moaning.]
All right, now.
Everybody please calm down! Calm down here! Now, it'll all be taken care of.
I can assure you, the department will do all it can to apprehend this so-called "monster.
" - I'll drink to that! - The reporters would like to ask a few questions, Chief.
No.
I'm sorry.
Now now, gentlemen.
When we have a statement ready, we'll let you know.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
That'll be fine, folks.
[Groaning.]
Thank you all very much.
[Sighs.]
Why do things like this have to happen just when there's a shake-up in the department? When the commissioner arrives, I'll be in my office.
Okay, Chief.
Chief Harris here.
Give me the radio room.
Mulligan? Chief Harris.
I want an around-the-clock stakeout in Midcity Park.
Tell them to be on the lookout for a greenish man, about nine or 10 feet tall, with bright red eyes and cold hands.
Mulligan, it's remarks like that that have kept you from making sergeant! [Eddie.]
What is it, Grandpa? [Marilyn.]
What's it supposed to do? [Grandpa, Laughing.]
It's an enlarging machine.
It can make anything bigger.
Why, with this machine, I can make an ordinary banana big enough to feed a family of monkeys for a whole year! [Chortling.]
Anything small, I can make big.
Ooh, why with this machine, I could make Rhode Island the size ofTexas! We'll make millions! Then I'll make them bigger.
I could even make the world's biggest Mickey Rooney.
! Here.
Let me show you.
[Electrical Humming.]
?? [Distorted Electronic Music.]
Herman, honey? Lower.
?? [Continues.]
[Explosion.]
What was that? Oh, that's just Grandpa, working on his invention down in the lab.
[Electrical Humming.]
Oh.
[Loud Explosion.]
I don't understand it! Hmm, why you Ooh, allow me.
I think I know what's wrong.
I'm not using enough electricity! There we are, Edgar.
Got a nice, fresh box of goodies for you.
There you go.
Put him in the ca C-Ca Okay.
Wait.
So help me, Commissioner Ludlow, that's what he said: Nine feet tall and green! Oh, ridiculous, Sergeant.
You must have misunderstood him.
Oh, hello there, Commissioner.
Just giving Edgar his din-din.
Harris Do you mind taking that bird off of your head long enough to tell me what all this talk is about monsters? [Scraping.]
Herman? Aren't you ever coming to bed? What's the use? I just don't seem to be able to get any sleep anymore.
Have you tried counting wolves? I've tried everything! The only thing that seems to help is taking a walk in the park.
Herman, I don't want you to go to the park.
Not with that fiend, or monster, running around loose.
Lily.
Honestly, you're worse than Eddie.
In this day and age, no enlightened person believes in fiends and monsters.
Nevertheless, I don't want you to go walking around in the park.
Not until they catch whatever it is.
Lily.
I'm a full-grown man.
I refuse to be caught up in this hysteria.
If a man can't feel safe in the streets of his own town, what's this country coming to? [Humming, Exploding.]
What's that? That's just Grandpa again, working on his invention.
That settles it.
I'll never get any sleep around here.
Lily, I'm going out.
Good night, dear.
[Cackling.]
Terrific, terrific, Eddie.
We'll make millions! Now.
Now.
Just keep your eye on this pencil.
Watch this.
[Sparking.]
Grandpa, that's great! You turned that into the biggest pencil I ever saw! [Chuckles.]
Can you make me bigger too? I want to be as big as Daddy.
Of course! Now, just stand right here.
Don't move! Hold still! [Sparking.]
Look what you did! What happened? L-I must have put it in reverse.
It's all right.
I'll fix it.
Hold still! [Groaning.]
War surplus parts! [Buzzing.]
[Softly.]
Here he comes! Get him.
Now, where the heck is that fuse box? Ah, here it is.
Oh.
Now! [Crashing.]
[Electrical Sparking.]
Maybe I'm not using enough current! Yeah! [Sparking Continues.]
There.
Herman! What's the matter? Don't be frightened.
I'll protect you.
What are you talking about? Th-The thing.
The horrible thing.
You were right, Lily.
It grabbed me in the park.
It was awful.
It had two heads and four long blue arms.
I warned you not to go out there, Herman.
You won't have to warn me again.
Don't worry.
I'm not stepping foot out of this house until they catch that thing! Oh, shush.
Hush, dear.
Hush, dear.
There's no sense alarming the rest of the family.
[Panting.]
We just won't mention this to them.
Now, let's go on upstairs and try to get some sleep.
Sleep? I'll never sleep again.
Oh, at least try.
Okay.
I'll try.
But Lily, is it all right if we leave the lights on? I tell ya, Chief, like they said, nine feet tall and all green! We're lucky to have escaped with our lives! The taxpayers aren't paying you to escape.
You're supposed to capture him.
Like they do in the movies, you know? Now, both of you, get back to your posts in that park.
[Panting.]
But, Chief, it's still dark out! You wouldn't want to walk us over there, would you? Get outta here! Just what in the name of Pat O'Brien do you think you're doin'? I'm holding up the ceiling, Commissioner.
May I suggest that your time would be more profitably spent by trying to catch that monster who has been terrorizing our parks? Now, this is the last time I intend to be awakened in the middle of the night by citizens' committees, demanding to know what's being done.
Yeah, but, Commissioner Unless you take immediate action to apprehend this fiend, you will be back pounding a beat in the most desolate, deserted, law-forsaken section of town that I can find! You got that, Harris? Yes, sir.
I'll get him tonight, Commissioner.
That's my promise, or you can have my badge, sir.
[Razor Buzzing.]
[Bubbling.]
[Hair Dryer Blowing.]
[Igor Squeaking.]
Oh, this is a great moment for me.
[Continues.]
All right, all right.
It's a great moment for us.
All of a sudden, I've got a partner.
Now.
[Electrical Buzzing.]
[Laughing Wildly.]
[Buzzing.]
[Gasping.]
How did this happen? More current! More current! Men, it must have occurred to you by now that we've had absolutely no success whatsoever in apprehending the monster that has been terrorizing Midcity Park.
It's obvious that, in this case, ingenuity, imagination, intelligence do not work.
Therefore, I have decided to handle this matter myself.
That's all, men.
Dismissed.
Is that the box, Sergeant? Yes, sir.
That's it.
What's in it? That box contains a secret formula that will manacle the midnight marauder of Midcity Park! ?? [Organ: "Chopsticks'".]
[Electrical Sparking.]
?? [Concludes.]
Lily, when is Grandpa gonna be finished working in his laboratory? The sound of that machinery is making me nervous.
Now, you're just on edge because you haven't been getting much sleep lately.
He should be turning it off soon.
It's getting pretty late.
By the way, what time is it? [Squawks.]
At the tone, it'll be later than you think.
Nevermore.
I had no idea it was that late.
Where's Marilyn? I'm glad to be able to say she finally got a date tonight.
[Buzzing Continues.]
[Growls.]
Oh! Well, isn't that nice? Where did she go? Oh, they went to a movie, and then they're going for a walk in the park.
In the park? In the park? Eddie.
How could you let Marilyn go to the park with that monster running around? But you said there was no such thing as monsters.
Oh, Herman.
What are we going to do? Well, I guess someone will have to go to the park and protect her.
I'll get my coat! No! Lily, I'll go alone.
Oh, y-you can't go out there alone! Why don't you take Spot with you? - Ha! Spot's afraid of his own shadow.
- [Snarling.]
Come to think of it, I don't blame him.
Chief Harris will be right out, Commissioner.
Oh, what's takin' him so long in there? He didn't confide in me, sir.
He said he was workin' on a secret weapon.
[Buzzes.]
I guess he's ready.
You can go in now, sir.
Oh, hello, Commissioner.
Come in.
It's me.
Why couldn't I have been a fireman, like my mother wanted me to? - [Screams.]
- That's Marilyn.
I'd know her voice anywhere.
[Grunting, Groaning.]
[Groans.]
I'll have some more of these pancakes.
You've had quite enough, Grandpa.
The rest are for Herman.
After what he went through last night, he deserves them.
Sure, sure.
Herman always gets everything.
Lucky stiff.
Good morning, everybody.
Good morning, Herman.
Morning, dear.
[Sniffs Deeply.]
Oh! Good morning! [Chuckles.]
[Eddie Knocks Back.]
Ahh.
[Chuckles.]
Oh.
Thank you.
Good morning, everybody.
Good morning, dear.
Uncle Herman? Yes, dear? I want to apologize again for causing you all so much worry.
Oh! That's all right, dear.
As I told you last night, I wasn't hurt at all.
[Marilyn.]
Fact is, we came right home after the movie.
We never went near the park at all.
I'm glad you didn't.
It was terrible! I've never had a more hair-raising experience.
And if you think my hair was raised, you should have seen the hair on the baldheaded lady.
Herman, I've told you a hundred million times, don't exaggerate.
! I'm not exaggerating.
It really happened.
Ohh! Maybe there's something about it in the paper.
[Sighs.]
You were right, Aunt Lily.
Here it is.
It says, "Last night, the police apprehended the so-called monster "that has been terrorizing Midcity Park.
"The monster was a known purse-snatcher who disguised his features by wearing a woman's stocking over his head.
" See? I told you there was no such thing as monsters.
"Credit for his capture goes to Police Chief Harris, "who used himself as bait by disguising himself as a woman.
Well, I guess that explains your baldheaded lady.
"He was heroically assisted by an unknown citizen who has modestly refused to come forward and reveal his identity.
" Gee, Dad.
Weren't you scared? Well, a little bit.
But remember this, Eddie.
It's the duty of every citizen to protect the police.
According to the newspaper, Chief Harris is getting a medal from the police commissioner at this very moment! Harris, I must admit that in the past, I've been a little leery about your, uh well, to say the least, eccentric behavior.
But, I must say, you do seem to get things done.
Well, thank you, sir.
Tell me, Harris.
Do you have any idea who the citizen was who came to your assistance? Well, I don't know his name, sir, but I think I could describe him.
Oh? What'd he look like? Well, he was about nine or 10 feet tall, with green skin, uh, red eyes and long arms.
Fine.
Right.
Very good.
[Hangs Up Receiver.]
I don't know.
L-I apologize.
I'm sorry.
I thought my machine would make a fortune for this family.
But somehow, I just can't seem to generate enough electricity.
That's all right, Grandpa.
Don't worry about it.
We all love you anyway, Grandpa.
Ah, but one good thing though.
[Laughs.]
It did help cure Herman of his insomnia.
How did you do it? Ohh! With one of these giant sleeping pills I made with my machine! How could he swallow that? Oh, he didn't swallow that.
I accidentally dropped it on his head.