The Munsters (1964) s01e09 Episode Script

Knock Wood, Here Comes Charlie

Morning, dear.
Well, finally.
His Majesty has condescended to grace us with his presence.
Be seated.
Please, Lily, spare me the jokes.
Today's starting out to be one of those days.
Good morning, Uncle Herman.
Good morning, dear.
Good morning! Morning, Grandpa.
What smells so good? I cut myself shaving.
[Banging] Front door.
I'll get it.
No, dear.
Uh, not the way you're dressed.
I'll get it.
You can never tell when Mr.
Right is gonna come along.
If you go to the door looking like that, you're liable to scare him off.
[Banging Continues] Front door.
Well, bless me.
If it isn't Herman.
[Laughing] Oh, no.
I knew it was gonna be one of those days.
Ah, Lily.
[Chuckling] Herman's twin brother.
Charlie, it's good to see you.
Lily, you look just wonderful, my dear.
A lot of people would just die to have a complexion like that.
Don't tell me.
This is little Eddie.
The last time I saw you, my boy, you were this high.
Ah, Marilyn.
Don't you look pretty, uh, uh, pretty How do you do in school, dear? Just fine, Uncle Charlie.
Good, good, good.
And now, Uncle Charlie has a little something for each of you.
Now, let me see.
What have I got here? Eddie, this is for you.
Oh, boy, a bat in the box! Thank you, Uncle Charlie.
And Lily, this is for you.
Oh, Charlie! A new shroud! Oh! Ooh.
A girl can never have enough of these.
Marilyn, this here's for you.
[Croaking] [Gasps] Oh.
Greatest thing in the world for warts.
[Clearing Throat] Don't worry, Grandpa.
Old Charlie hasn't forgotten you.
Oh! It's a box of cigars.
And the box, you see, is a great place to keep your ashes.
[Laughing] But, uh, tell me, where's Herman? He can't still be nursing a grudge against his own twin brother.
Of course not, Charlie.
He loves you.
He'll be right down.
Oh, no, he won't.
What's in the other suitcase, Uncle Charlie? That? That, Marilyn, my dear, is a little invention that is going to make your Uncle Charlie a million dollars.
[Lily] "A million dollars'"? [Grandpa] Oh, an invention.
By the way, I happen to be a bit of an inventor myself.
Do you mind if I take a look at it? Delighted.
What does it do, Uncle Charlie? It extracts uranium from seawater.
"Extracts uranium from seawater"? I don't believe it.
If you will allow me Marilyn, please.
I'll show you how it works.
See? Good old everyday garden variety seawater.
It contains .
047 grains of uranium.
Now, let me see here.
I turn the machine on.
Now I add the water.
Oh! Is that really uranium? There's one sure way to find out.
I'll fly down to my laboratory and get my Geiger counter.
Oh, no, no, no.
Uh, Grandpa, don't do that.
It's not necessary.
I mean, I have my own.
I always carry a Geiger counter with me.
[Soft Crackling, Grows Louder] [Laughing] You'll make a fortune.
Why, do you realize that uranium is worth its weight in gold? Well, what do you know? [Chuckling] Well It's getting late.
I'd better find me a hotel.
Say "how do you do" to Herman for me.
I have a feeling that boy's been avoiding me.
- You're darn right I am.
- You're going to stay here with us.
After all, you're Herman's only living relative.
Oh, Lily, how sweet.
Well, if you insist.
Eddie, come along, my boy.
You and me are going to dig up a little snack first.
It's easy to see who got all the personality in that family.
[Clearing Throat] [Clearing Throat] Guess what, Herman.
Charlie is staying with us.
He's doing no such thing.
I want him and his phony uranium machine out of this house this instant! Herman Munster! How can you talk like that about your own flesh and blood? Because I've known him longer than you.
Charlie Munster is a scoundrel and a con artist from way back.
The doctor who put him together didn't have an honest bone in his whole laboratory.
Oh, Herman, you're just jealous.
Why, having Charlie here in the house is like a breath of fresh earth.
I agree with Uncle Herman.
There's something not just right about Charlie.
Marilyn's right.
Just why is he showing up now? I'll tell you why.
Lily, he's heard about that $5,000 your grandmother left you the last time she died.
And he's here to cheat you out of it with that uranium machine.
Why, shame on you, Herman.
And just because of that, I'm gonna check this machine and prove how wrong you are about Charlie.
Meanwhile, I insist he stay here.
All right.
All right.
But you will regret it.
I keep telling you Charlie's always been the white sheep in this family.
- When are you gonna believe me? When? - Nevermore.
Just a minute.
He's right here.
Uncle Charlie, telephone.
The man says it's important.
Well, I wonder who that can be.
I distinctly instructed my secretary not to tell anybody where I was.
- Munster here.
- This is Leo Kraus.
[Coughing] Oh.
Oh, uh, hi, Knuckles.
Where's that thousand bucks I put up for that phony machine of yours? I gave you 24 hours to pay me back.
Well Well, now, a-as as a matter of fact, I'm in the process of taking care of that little matter right now.
You've got exactly 24 hours to hand over the dough; otherwise, you'll get your head broken.
[Chuckles] It's my head broker.
L I mean, my head broker.
Well, thank you very much for the advice, Mr.
I don't think it's gonna be too difficult to arrange.
You mean to tell me you actually found a sucker to buy that machine? - There can't be anybody that stupid.
- Oh, but there is.
Which brings me to a very important point.
- I hope you don't mind me selling one of our machines for $5,000.
- $5,000? I realize it's a ridiculously small amount, but you see, it's for a member of my own family my favorite sister-in-law.
But why not? Charlie says his partner gave him special permission to sell it to us.
He says I couldn't make a safer investment.
He says the ocean is full of uranium.
The ocean is also full of suckers, and I'm gonna see to it that you're not one of them.
After all, Grandma did leave that money to me.
And Grandpa's testing the machine.
He saw it work.
It's a silly idea.
If your grandmother were alive, she'd be turning over in her grave.
As long as Charlie stays in this house, I'm gonna see to it that that money stays in the wall safe.
Let me see.
What was that combination again? Oh, yes.
Two turns to the left.
Right to 14.
Back to six.
Now all we do is add a little water from the ocean and wait for the results that will prove to Uncle Herman how wrong he was about Uncle Charlie.
[Chuckling] ?? [Humming] [Laughing] Eddie, quick, quick, get my Geiger counter.
Okay, Grandpa.
?? [Humming Continues] [Soft Crackling] Huh.
[Loud Crackling] Maybe I used the wrong ocean.
- Grandpa, this is nothing but sand.
- Sand? Plain sand? To the scientific mind, this means just one thing.
- Yes, it means that Uncle Charlie - Broken.
I broke Uncle Charlie's machine.
[Herman] Left three.
Right 16.
Two turns to the left.
Stop at 24.
Aw, it's only gold again.
Oh, I've gotta fix this machine before good old Charlie finds out.
[Herman] To the right.
Seven left.
Sixteen right.
Two turns to the left.
[Clicks] And presto! There.
I'd like to see Charlie get his hands on it now.
[Laughing] Oh, Charlie, I'm afraid the answer is still no.
You know how Herman is.
I talked to him until I was pink in the face.
That sort of puts me in a funny position, Lily.
After all, my associates were only doing it as a favor to me.
Well, in case anybody wants me, I'll be down in my laboratory.
I've got a little work to do down there.
[Coughing] I wish he wouldn't do that.
It gets ashes all over the floor.
Can I heat this up for you? Oh, thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
We're all out of sugar.
I'll run over to Mrs.
Cartwright's and borrow some.
Cartwright? She's the woman next door.
She's very fond of Herman.
He helps her a lot around the house.
She's a bit eccentric though.
Been that way ever since her husband died.
- A widow? - Yes.
Poor dear.
But fortunately, her husband left her well provided for.
Well, that is fortunate.
Lily, I'll get the sugar.
Allow me.
Sit right down.
Thank you.
I'll just pop right over.
And I may pick up enough sugar for both of us.
[Knocking On Door] Come in.
Excuse me.
[Gasps] Oh.
Oh, it's it's you, Mr.
Oh, hello.
Uh Mrs.
Cartwright? Oh, of course.
Come in, Mr.
Oh, my, don't you look grand.
What have you done to yourself? Oh, you mean the suit? Like it? Oh, it's very handsome, and I imagine very expensive.
Custom made.
You see, I made an investment recently on a little invention that turned out rather well.
Well, on to a good thing and you didn't even tell me about it.
That isn't very neighborly, Mr.
Call me Herman.
That's right, Knuckles.
I got the five grand.
You can call off your boys.
I unloaded that crazy machine.
Some old biddy named Cartwright.
I'm on my way now with the loot.
I gotta blow town quick before my brother finds out.
And, Charlie, don't do anything cute or your frame will float.
Charlie sold that machine to Mrs.
Cartwright? I was just talking to her through the barbed wire fence.
She's floating on air.
She'll make the fortune we missed.
Lily, that machine is just what I told you it was a phony.
- "A phony"? - That's right.
I just sent Marilyn downtown to the National Chemical Institute, and they told her that while seawater is full of uranium, there's absolutely no way of extracting it.
Oh, Herman, you were right about Charlie.
- What are we gonna do? - We're gonna have to buy back that machine.
But that will take every last cent of Grandma's legacy.
The good name of Munster is more important than any amount of money.
Oh, serves me right for trusting Charlie.
If you don't learn to be more careful, the next time Grandma dies, she'll leave her money to someone else.
After I'm finished with this, I'm gonna kick Charlie out of here every lock, stock and monocle of him! Two turns to the left.
Right 14.
Left Oh, the heck with it! So you see, Mrs.
Cartwright, the machine is actually worthless.
So I wouldn't want you to get stuck with it.
If it's worthless, why did you sell it to me? That wasn't me.
That was my twin brother.
Your twin brother? Oh! Oh, no, no, Mr.
There couldn't possibly be two like you.
It's really true.
But that's not important now.
Cartwright, I'll pay you back your whole $5,000.
I don't know.
I mean, if you'd go to all the trouble of changing your clothes and making up that story about a twin brother, you must want that machine pretty badly.
I'm just trying to do the right thing.
Well, in that case, you can have it Good.
For $5,500.
But, Mrs.
Cartwright, you only paid 5,000.
I know.
I know.
But a poor, defenseless widow like me has got to make a teeny-weeny bit of profit.
That's the democratic way.
[Grandpa] Charlie.
Charlie, you're not leaving without saying good-bye? Charlie, I guess you're mad because they told you.
Told me what? That I broke your machine.
But I didn't mean to.
I was just trying That's quite all right, Grandpa.
That's not my problem any longer.
You see, I sold that old machine to Lady Cartwright.
But she'll be glad to know that I fixed it.
It works just fine now.
But, you see, someone took it out of the lab, and I still have a few adjustments to make.
Forget the machine, Grandpa.
I'm leaving now.
"Fixed it"? What do you mean, "fixed it"? Well, look, just a few minutes ago, I made this with the machine.
Huh? Look at this.
[Crackling Loudly] What do you think? That's uranium? It ain't bat feathers.
Ah, Mrs.
Cartwright, I've decided not to sell you my uranium machine.
I have to have it back.
Yes, I know.
Oh, fine.
So, here's your money.
Let me have the machine.
Munster, you've already given me the money back and taken the machine.
When did I do that? Just before you changed your clothes.
But I didn't change my clothes.
Wait a minute.
This fellow who gave you the money back, was he about this tall? Yes.
Was he built like me? Uh-huh.
Well, that explains it.
That was my twin brother.
Now that we own this thing, what are we gonna do with it? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do with it.
I'm gonna smash it into 5,500 pieces.
- Don't do that.
- Why not? It's mine.
I paid for it.
And at least I'm gonna get the pleasure of smashing it.
Charlie Munster, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
How could you do this to us after the way we trusted you? Charlie, you proved one thing.
Water is thicker than blood.
I suppose you're right.
I ought to be ashamed of myself.
Charlie, you're no good.
And I'll tell you another thing.
You What did you say? I said, you're right.
I am no good.
For the first time in my life, I've been forced to look myself in the face, and it's a pretty frightening picture.
I get the feeling I've just been insulted.
Being here with all of you has, well, shown me the error of my ways.
If you'll just give me another chance, I'll do my best to make it up to you.
Well, if you ask me, it's a little late for that now.
- It's 2:00.
- Shut up! Nevermore.
I realize I've done a lot of rotten things, but, you see, I've changed.
And to prove it, I'm gonna buy that worthless machine back from you.
Oh, yeah? - W-When do I get paid? - Nevermore.
[Squawks] - Oh, do shut up.
- He's wound up too tight.
I'll pay you this very moment.
Oh, well, l Here's the money.
Well, Charlie, l Well Charlie, I guess I misjudged you.
We all make mistakes.
[Laughing] We're only human.
Well, cheerio.
At least let me drive you to the station.
Oh, uh, not necessary, old boy.
I already phoned a cab.
Well, ta-ta, all.
Don't forget your old Uncle Charlie.
Eddie, here's a little something for your piggy bank.
[Door Opens] Good-bye, Charlie.
You made the right decision.
After all, you can't always get by on your good looks.
I suppose you're right.
[Chuckling] Good-bye.
Good Good-bye.
Good-bye, Charlie.
! Good-bye, Charlie.
Charlie! Was that Charlie? He just left.
Oh, I wanted to talk to him.
You know, he's been acting kind of strange since I fixed his machine.
- "Fixed his machine"? - Yeah.
I showed him this batch of uranium I made, and he hightailed it over to Mrs.
Cartwright like a bat out of heaven.
[Groans] He tricked me again with that sob story of his.
Darn it! Look, Pop, the quarter's fake too.
He gypped us all.
That machine was a phony until you made it work.
I'm glad he took it with him.
I wouldn't want that machine around this house.
- Why not? - Well, I'll tell you.
If he starts fooling with that machine, there's no telling what may happen.
- Driver, to the airport, and step on it.
- What's the hurry, Charlie? Knuckles.
Where's the five "G"s? I haven't got it.
But, Knuckles, I've got something much better.
Both you and I are going to be millionaires.
Just let me show you this machine.
You see, now it really works.
But this time it better be good.
He's in the cab, Grandpa.
What was that about the machine? Oh, nothing.
It's just that the machine [Explosion] The machine's still got a few bugs in it.