The Munsters (1964) s01e15 Episode Script

Herman's Rival

[Slurping] No more, Kitty.
[Sighs] You're getting the appetite of a lion.
[Roars] Marilyn? Marilyn? Oh, it's terrible.
It's a disaster.
Well, what's wrong, Aunt Lily? We'll be disgraced, ruined, wiped off the face of the earth.
Your Uncle Herman is overdrawn at the bank.
Uncle Herman? I can't believe it.
Down through history this only happened once before in our family when Grandpa overdrew his account at the blood bank.
Did Uncle Herman say anything about this? Oh, no.
He's too proud.
Why, if he found out that we knew he was broke, he'd never be able to look himself in the face again.
Well, maybe Grandpa could help us out.
He's very well off.
He was.
He was.
But you know the expression "You can't take it with you"? Well, Grandpa did.
The only trouble was he forgot to bring it back.
Herman, say it isn't so.
Say I heard you wrong.
Grandpa, you heard me right.
Ah, I lent $5,000 to Lester.
You lent money to my son, Lester? Herman.
Herman, please help me sit down.
You look terrible.
All the blood's drained out of your eyeballs.
Quick, Herman.
Mix me something.
There.
Put in that stuff in in the blue beaker first.
Yeah.
And then that little jar with the green stuff.
Yeah.
And And then that that yellow stuff in the beaker.
A-And top it off with that white stuff that white stuff in the jar.
Yeah.
[Fizzing] [Liquid Gurgles] [Sighs] Ooh.
Oh, there's nothing like a little celery tonic to make you just right.
Grandpa, do you think Lester would lose that money? It was an investment.
H-He said it was a sure thing.
Herman, you'd better not let Lily hear about it.
She'll be furious.
That Lester is a born loser.
You remember that time he was gonna promote the Patriot of the Year Award for Benedict Arnold? And that advertising slogan he was gonna make a million dollars with "Don't be half safe take the Titanic.
'" Grandpa, are you trying to tell me that your son Lester is somewhat lacking in business acumen? No, no.
I'm just trying to tell you that he's a bum! Aunt Lily, how noble of you to go out and get a job to help Uncle Herman when he's so broke.
Oh, Marilyn, the women of our family have always stood behind our men.
We've always been ready to put our head on the block and our shoulder to the tombstone.
Well, what kind of job are you gonna take, Aunt Lily? Well, I found the address of this employment agency in the newspaper.
I thought I'd go down and see what they have to offer.
Oh, and, Marilyn, be sure not to say a word to your Uncle Herman.
I don't want the poor lamb ever to know.
Oh, I won't say a thing.
[Wind Howling] Well, we'll notify you if anything turns up.
Next.
[Door Opens] Uh, won't you sit down, please? Thank you.
Oh.
Sorry.
Name? Mrs.
Lily Munster.
Lily But, uh, if you don't mind, I'd rather use my maiden name.
Well, that's entirely up to you.
Uh, what is your maiden name? Dracula.
Dracula? That's a unusual name.
Not at all.
Back in the Old Country the woods are full of them.
I don't want my husband to know that I'm working.
Yes.
Of course.
- Age? - 137.
No, no.
Not your weight.
Your age.
That is my age.
Uh, what, uh What kind of wor uh work have you done before? Well, during the war, I did some volunteer work.
In a defense plant? No, I was an airplane spotter.
Oh.
Yes, you stood on the roof, and you watched for planes with binoculars.
No, I sat in the dungeon and watched for planes with a crystal ball.
Oh, it was quite exciting to help out.
Grandpa used to fly test patterns for us.
H-He had his own plane? Why would he need a plane just to fly? [Man] Mr.
Haggerty.
Mr.
Haggerty, a new job just came in.
Uh, I'll take it myself.
Calm yourself, Mr.
Haggerty.
You're quivering.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, I'll I'll be all right, Fred.
Now, uh, what about this new job? Well, a gypsy tearoom called.
They want somebody to read palms.
I told them naturally we couldn't fill a position like that You won't believe this, Fred, but I think we can handle it.
What? Madam.
- Did you ever read palms? - Read palms? Why, of course.
Doesn't everybody? You're leaving for the parlor early today, pussycat.
Uh, we're going to have a meeting.
We've gotta go out and drum up some new business.
Uh, no more of this waiting around for people to drop over.
Don't worry, dear.
Everything will turn out just fine.
Remember, every silver cloud has a dark lining.
Thank you, dear.
It's little inspirational thoughts like that that keep me going.
He's gone.
Now, if I'm not home in time, you put the cauldron on to boil.
Maybe I ought to quit school and get a job too, Aunt Lily.
Oh, no.
No, no.
You need an education.
You'd be surprised at the number of men who will marry a girl for her brains.
Well, is the work hard at your job? Very easy.
Why, I could read palms with my eyes closed.
Ramon is very pleased with my work.
Ramon? He's the owner of the tearoom.
Well, what is Ramon like? Well, he looks a little bit like Cary Grant.
Poor man.
I better get going.
Now, I'll be home before your Uncle Herman.
Well, now, if Uncle Herman knew you were working for a man, don't you think he'd hit the ceiling? No, no.
He doesn't do that anymore.
The last time he did, the rain came in, ruined the rug.
[Wind Howling] [Door Closes] Hi.
Anybody home? Oh.
What are you doing home? I thought you just left for the parlor.
I did, but things are awfully quiet down there.
Uh, you can't tell the salesmen from the customers.
So I decided to take the day off.
Well, that's the way it goes in your business.
You know, you can't always operate in the black.
Uh, Lily She's not home.
Where is she? Uh, Herman [Clears Throat] I'd like to talk to you.
Sit down.
Go ahead.
Now, Herman, I wasn't going to tell you about this, but I think it's best for all concerned that it be brought out into the open.
Now, I've been watching Lily for the past few days.
She's been leaving the house just after you do and doesn't get back until just before you come in.
Uh Uh Uh, where does she go? Well, that's just it.
She doesn't say.
Well, she's probably just going shopping or something.
Wearing her best clothes? Her finest jewelry? Her most exotic perfume Chanel Number 13? Grandpa, I just couldn't believe that Lily would do anything wrong.
Oh, I don't either, but if you did suspect something was wrong, I have a little plan that would enable both of us Grandpa! A-Are you suggesting that I would stoop so low as to check up on Lily? That's just what I'm doing.
What's your plan? Right.
Tomorrow morning you leave for work just as usual.
And then I will be able to go down outside Grandpa.
Uh, uh, uh, she just went by.
I know.
I saw her.
Good morning, Ramon.
Buenos días, señora.
Herman, your wife just went into that tearoom with a man.
I know.
Doesn't that strike you as strange? Yes, it does.
She's never been a tea drinker.
Herman, let's you and I sit down here and have a little talk.
You know, Lily, I can't tell you how pleased my wife and I are at the way you've been reading palms.
Oh, thank you.
You've both been so kind to me.
[Metal Clanking] Look at that manhole cover.
I never saw that happen before.
I hope there's nothing down in there getting ready to explode.
Lily, things are a little slow today.
I thought maybe if the passersby saw you sitting here in the window reading my husband's palm, we might stir up a little action.
I'd be glad to.
I'll get you some hot tea.
Well, 20 years in the tearoom business and I've never had my palm read.
Huh? Oh.
[Chuckles] Well, now.
Let me see.
Can you see her? Yeah.
I can see her.
Can you see what they're doing? Yes, I can see what they're doing.
- They're holding hands.
- Why would they be doing that? Well, l I don't think they're exchanging fraternity grips.
I always like to check both hands.
Can you see what they're doing now? He's holding both her hands.
Grandpa.
Uh Uh, you you know something? - What? - They don't even have any tea on the table.
I've seen enough.
Let's get out of here.
It's okay with me.
[Crash] What was that? Uh, perhaps something did explode.
What did you have to go and do that for? Herman, this is no time to be writing a letter to Dear Abby.
That tearoom Casanova is moving in on your wife.
Uh Uh Grandpa, let's keep a cool head.
It's just that I want to give Lily a chance to come to me and explain the whole story.
Uncle Herman, you're here.
Yes, I'm here.
Why shouldn't I be? Uh, this is still my house, isn't it? Yes, but I'm surprised to see you.
Oh, by the way, Uncle Lester called, and he's very anxious to get in touch with you.
Oh? Uh, it's probably about the, uh, m-o-n-e-y.
Uh, Marilyn, dear, we have a more important matter to discuss right now.
Uh, I'll talk to Cousin Lester later.
[Door Opens] Oh.
Aunt Lily.
Hello, Marilyn.
Oh, I was so afraid I wouldn't get home before Herman that I practically ra Oh.
Well, hello, dear.
Can you spare it? Uh, aren't you home rather early? Uh, husbands are apt to do that occasionally.
Come home unexpectedly.
Can I make a cup of tea for anybody? Uh, Grandpa, why don't you relax? I'll go in right now and fix some supper.
Uh, Lily.
Yes, Herman? Uh, Lily, I'm not one to pry, but I was just wondering where you've been today.
Who, me? Oh, well, I just went downtown shopping.
Oh, shopping.
Uh, did you see anything you liked? Oh, my, yes.
At this time of the year there are all kinds of goodies to catch a girl's eye.
[Clears Throat] Well, I was just, uh I was just wondering if you did anything unusual today.
No.
No, I didn't do anything today that I haven't done every day for the past two weeks.
Come on, Marilyn.
Well, that does it.
I'm going right down to that tearoom and have it out with that home-wrecker face-to-face.
Good boy.
Uh, but there's just one thing, Grandpa.
This may lead to bloodshed.
Ooh, Herman.
This is no time to be looking at the bright side.
Get down there.
[Chuckles] Uh, just a moment.
Aunt Lily, Cousin Lester's on the phone.
I wonder what he wants.
I haven't heard from him since the last time he went bankrupt.
Hello.
Lily, this is your brother, Lester.
Is Herman there? No.
He He just went out for a little walk.
Well, I guess it's all right to tell you now, Lily.
A while back Herman loaned me $5,000.
And now a big deal has come through for me, so I have the money to pay him back.
Herman loaned you $5,000? That's right.
I'm coming right over there with the money now.
Uh So that's why our bank account is empty.
I'm gonna tell Grandpa.
Grandpa.
I'm busy down in the lab.
! Well, drop whatever you're doing and come on up here.
[Explosion] And so, thinking that Herman was broke, I got this job reading palms in the tearoom.
[Chuckles] So that accounts for that fellow we saw holding your hand.
Right.
[Laughs] And all the time I was just reading his palm.
Oh, the joke is on us.
Oh, no.
What's the matter, Grandpa? Herman is on his way over to have it out with that fellow you worked for.
Oh, that's terrible.
I'd better phone Ramon and warn him.
[Phone Ringing] Hello.
Oh, yes, Lily.
What? Your husband's coming over to do what? Now, Lily Now, now, now.
Lily, don't you worry.
No.
My wife's gone home, but, uh, I've handled jealous husbands before.
Mmm.
What sort of a looking fellow is he? Tall, good-looking, average typical family man.
All right.
Fine, Lily.
Lily.
Lily, now don't you worry about a thing.
Good-bye.
Is everything okay, Lily? Well, he said not to worry about a thing, but I think we ought to go over there just in case.
Aunt Lily, is something wrong? We have to go out for a while, Marilyn.
Now, when Cousin Lester comes, you ask him to meet us at the Golden Earrings Tearoom.
Chihuahua.
Uh, uh, please, sir, I have to talk to you.
Uh, uh, please, sir.
I have an important matter to discuss with you.
Now look here.
I just want to [Groans] Oh, dear.
Oh, my goodness.
I must have spoken too harshly to him.
Mister.
Mister? Uh, uh, say, mister.
Uh, look.
Uh, uh, uh, mister We're too late.
Herman clobbered him.
Mister, uh, I wouldn't have hurt you.
But, you see, I was a little upset.
And you'd be upset too if your wife, the loveliest person in the whole world, uh, uh, started falling out of love with you and started chasing after somebody else, you see? We Mister? Uh, mister.
You're You're not even listening.
Herman.
Herman, I'm listening.
And believe me, he doesn't mean anything to me.
I was just working for him reading palms.
Herman, Lily knows all about you lending money to Lester, but everything's okay now because he's on his way over to pay you back.
Well You mean you thought I was broke? Th-That's why you came to work here? That's right.
Lily.
Oh, Herman.
Baby doll.
Pussycat.
[Mutters] Sister, dear.
I'm here! Oh, Lester! Lily! Oh, my baby brother.
Herman! Lester, you're a sight for sore eyes.
My boy! Daddy! [All Laughing] [Groans] And according to this line, you will live a long and prosperous life with the woman you love.
Golly.
Oh, uh uh, don't quit now.
More fortune-telling? No, more hand-holding.