The Munsters (1964) s01e18 Episode Script

If a Martian Answers, Hang Up

Here's the okay from Washington on our latest ham operator application.
Call letters are W6XRL4.
These two-way radio rigs are getting to be quite a popular hobby.
I just hope this man realizes that being able to communicate with people all over the world carries a serious responsibility.
What's the name on this one? Uh, "Herman Munster.
Mockingbird Heights.
" Oh, I'm sure he's a solid citizen with both feet on the ground.
? One bright and shining light? ? That taught me wrong from right? ? I found in my mother's eyes?? [Airwave Static, Transmission Ends] [Switches Clicking] That's funny.
The man in Australia cut me off in the middle of"My Mother's Eyes.
" [Airwave Static] Oh, Herman.
Will you knock it off with that thing? Look, if you wanna communicate with people around the world, here, use my crystal ball.
You put over $400 into that thing, and you can't even get the roller derby on it.
Yes, Herman, come on to bed.
You've talked to six countries, and nobody wants to hear "My Mother's Eyes.
" I'll come to bed later.
Lily, I've always wanted a ham radio set.
And now that I've got one, I'm gonna listen in on distress signals and notify the authorities and prevent disasters and noble things like that.
Aw, Uncle Herman, you're all heart.
Oh, no, I'm not.
There's lots of other junk in here.
Come on, Marilyn.
Let's go upstairs.
Look, Herman, take my advice.
Don't try to be noble.
Just learn to mind your own business.
That's just what I've been doing ever since I told that Napoleon fellow to take that shortcut through Waterloo.
[Switches Clicking] [Airwave Static] [Man Over Radio] Calling W6XRL4.
Calling W6XRL4.
That's me! That's-That's me! [Switch Clicks] Hello, hello? This is W6XRL4.
Come in, come in.
[Switch Clicks] [Man Over Radio] This is Milan, Italy.
Are you the one who was singing "My Mother's Eyes"? [Switch Clicks] That was me.
That was me.
Hmm! That is correct.
[Switch Clicks] [Man Giving Raspberry] That is all.
Over and out.
[Laughing] Well, I don't call that very neighborly.
[Airwave Static] Calling CQ.
Calling CQ.
Uh, come in, please.
[Switch Clicks] [Airwave Static] How do you like these new walkie-talkies that I got for my birthday? Boy, they're great.
We can play some neat games with them.
Let me have one.
Aw, they're no fun.
I'd rather go home and watch my Grandpa blow up things.
Aw, go on, Eddie.
I don't think you have half the fun at home you say you do.
Hey, Walt, you go over on the other side of the wall, and we can talk to each other.
We'll pretend we're spacemen.
Can you read me? Can you read me? I read you loud and clear.
Hey, where you goin', Eddie? Aw, I'm goin' home.
This is kid stuff.
See ya later, Roger.
Bye, Walt.
You know, sometimes I just don't dig that Eddie.
Me too.
I wouldn't mess around with him except for the neat way he opens up cans with his ears.
Hey, Walt.
I got an idea.
Why don't I be a spaceship, and you be a control tower on Mars? Okay.
Get over there behind the wall.
[Clears Throat] [Lowers Voice] This is spaceship X-14.
Now circling spaceport.
Come in, spaceport.
[Airwave Static] [Switch Clicking] [Switches Clicking] [Static Continues] Ah.
[Switch Clicks] [Walt Over Radio] This is Spaceport Mars calling X-14.
Tracking you on gamma beam.
Stand by at plutonium layer for landing instructions.
[Transmission Breaking Up] This is spaceship X-14.
Vector reading: 9-0-3.
Now firing retro-rockets in sequence.
It is Mars.
It is Mars! That's a spaceship! [Switch Clicks] Hello! Hello! Hello! This is W6XRL4, planet Earth.
Hey, Walt.
What's this "planet Earth"junk? What do you mean? Listen.
[Switch Clicks] This is W6X4L W6XRL4, planet Earth.
Calling Mars.
Calling Mars.
[Switch Clicks] Some other kid must have one of these things, too, and he's trying to get in on the game.
Yeah, but it's getting late.
We gotta get home.
Just a minute.
Just a minute.
[Clears Throat] [Lowers Voice] Planet Earth, this is spaceship X-14.
Now in landing pattern for Spaceport 7, Mars.
Will have to break off.
Will have to break off.
[Switch Clicks] But you can't break off.
L-I've gotta talk to you.
Please, fella, don't break off.
[Switch Clicks] Sorry.
Will resume transmission same time tomorrow, That is all.
[Switch Clicks] But I got Mars.
I got Mars.
I got Mars! I got Mars! [Whoops] And Lily and Grandpa said this was a kid's toy.
Hah! Wait till I break this news to the world.
[Laughing] Your Majesty, ladies and gentlemen, it is with a great deal of pleasure that I modestly accept this Nobel Prize in Science.
[Laughing] Herman! Will you please come to bed? I'm dying to get some sleep.
Lily, I'm much too excited to go to go to sleep.
And besides, I just may be sitting on top of one of the biggest scientific breakthroughs in history.
[Chuckling] Well, whatever it is you're sitting on, get up off it and come to bed.
Lily, I was speaking figuratively.
And that's no way to talk to a future Nobel Prize winner.
Oh, Herman.
! Come to bed.
! Yes, dear.
[Snoring] [Continues Snoring] Herman.
Herman! [Yelps] Oh! Oh, Grandpa.
You gave me such a fright.
I thought you were a man from Mars.
What are you talking about, Herman? What's going on down here? You've been sitting down here for hours.
What would you say if I told you that in two minutes at the stroke of 4:00 I, Herman Munster, am gonna be in communication with the planet Mars? [Laughing] I'd say that if you keep talking this way, they'll take you away to the funny farm.
[Ringing] There.
It's 4:00.
You'll see.
You'll see.
[Laughs] [Switch Clicks] [Airwave Static] Boy, Roger, we'll have more fun playing spacemen than ever now that your father bought you this genuine synthetic plastic spaceship.
Boy, I hope we can get that kid who we talked to yesterday on the walkie-talkie.
We said we'd call him back at 4:00.
[Clears Throat] [Lowers Voice] Calling W6XRL4.
Come in, Earth.
Come in, Earth.
This is Mars.
I've got them! I've got them! Are you trying to tell me that's Mars? [Switch Clicks] It's not the weather report.
Hello, Mars? This is W6XRL4.
Where are you? [Switch Clicks] We have just penetrated through substratosphere and made our first landing on Earth.
[Switch Clicks] They're here! They're here! They-They've landed on Earth! All right.
All right, Herman.
Don't get so excited.
It's only people from Mars.
People from Mars? Grandpa! Grandpa! [Switch Clicks] Don't go away.
I'll be right back.
Will you wake up, you dummy! We're making history.
Come in, Earth.
Come in, Earth.
I guess somethin' happened to our friend from Earth.
Maybe the kid's parents made him go take a bath or somethin'.
Aw, let's come back after supper.
Maybe we can get him then.
You really think it's a kid? He must be.
He sounds so stupid.
Now, Grandpa, Grandpa.
You heard them.
They're men from Mars, and they've landed on Earth.
We have to go call the air force.
They have a department that checks on unidentified flying objects.
Not so fast, Herman.
We can't just go and call the air force.
You want 'em to think we're a couple of nuts? Oh.
Heavens, no.
Before we call the air force, we have to have concrete evidence.
But where are we gonna get evidence? All we have to go by is a voice on the radio.
Don't worry, Herman.
I'll find that spaceship with my direction finder.
Come on.
I've got it in here somewhere.
Let me see.
What do we have here? Oh.
A rabbit's foot carried by General Custer.
Mother's Day card from Lizzie Borden.
Compass off the Titanic.
Ah! Here it is! [Laughing] Yeah! My radio direction finder.
Direction finder? Grandpa, that's just an old-fashioned divining rod.
True, true.
But I had it transistorized last month.
Yeah? If we find this spaceship, you and I will be famous all over the world.
[Both Laughing] Hey, Mom.
How come Grandpa and Dad aren't having dinner with us? Well, Grandpa said they had to go out tonight on important business.
But Grandpa didn't even take his shovel.
Something's up, Aunt Lily.
They weren't their usual selves.
They looked very strange when they went out.
I don't know what's the matter, but Herman's been acting funny ever since he got that ham radio set.
Oh, but he does need a hobby.
He works hard all week.
[Sighs] That's true, Marilyn.
You know, Herman took up golf once, but he had so much trouble getting together a foursome.
Hey, Mom, maybe Dad's out playing poker with some men.
When he comes home, you'll have to yell at him and make him sleep on the sofa.
- Eddie.
Where do you get ideas like that? - From television.
You see, Marilyn, it's just the way I told you.
Those shows on television about horrible families have a definite effect on children.
[Steady Clicking] Grandpa, we've been following that divining rod for over an hour now, and we haven't seen a Martian yet.
Don't worry, Herman.
We'll find that spaceship before the night's over.
Well, I certainly hope so.
The only thing it's led us to so far is a shortwave diathermy machine.
That lady looked very upset when she saw us peering in her window.
Will you stop worrying, Herman? She'll be down off the chandelier before morning.
[Loud Clicking] Look, Herman! It's found something.
[Laughing] You see? I told you it'd work.
[Laughing] Grandpa, they're down there.
The Martians are hiding down there.
[Chuckles] Hi, Martians.
Are you down there? [Clicking Stops] [Gasping] You big dummy! Why didn't you tell me it was set for "Water"? What are ya squawking about? You could've got a face full of scrap iron.
Calling W6XRL4.
This is spaceship X-14.
Would somebody come in? Would somebody please come in? Please? Gee, Rog, I wonder where that other kid is.
He hasn't been on the air since 4:00.
Maybe he's a little shrimp and can't stay out this late.
Let's keep on trying for a little while longer.
[Clicking] [Clicking Louder] Hey, Herman.
We're getting something.
It's over here.
Oh, boy! I hope it's not another false alarm.
Come on.
Look! Herman, a spaceship.
We're making history.
We're Galileo, Columbus and David Susskind all rolled into one.
Look, Herman.
There are two Martians by the ship, and look how little they are.
Just like in the comic strips.
Come on.
We'll welcome them to planet Earth.
Hello there! Ahoy, Martians! [Screaming] Go! Go! They ran away.
I guess they're just not used to Earth people, but can you imagine anyone being afraid of us? Well, maybe their standards of beauty aren't as high as ours.
What? I'm getting scared.
Those Martians might come back with a ray gun and disintegrate us.
I'd feel like a perfect fool if they did.
Let's at least get some concrete evidence.
We'll take a picture of the ship we can show to the air force.
Good idea.
Say "cheese.
" Will you knock it off and take the picture! "Cheese.
" Hmm.
And you say you and your son-in-law took this photo last night.
That's right, Captain.
You see, he's been in voice communication with Mars for the past few days.
You mean he's been talking to the little people up there.
He has a ham radio.
A radio.
That must have made it a lot easier.
Oh, of course.
As soon as the Martians told us that they were going to land, I got out my divining rod to help track them down.
You have a divining rod.
Yes, and it's transistorized.
All I have to do is set it for "Martians," and it led us to their spaceship on a vacant lot.
There were two little men there, and, as soon as they saw us, they ran away.
I wonder why.
You see, I don't know either, but we felt it our patriotic duty to bring it to the attention of the government.
Well, I can't tell you how much we appreciate your coming in here and taking up our time like this.
What? [Stammering] You mean that's it? We discover a spaceship and Martians, and it's just "How do you do, hello and good-bye"? Oh, no.
I can assure you that this photo will be processed through proper channels.
Uh, Captain, if you don't mind, this is very important to me.
- I'll wait outside.
- Excellent.
Sergeant, come in, please.
Aunt Lily, that was Uncle Herman's boss on the phone.
They're looking for him down at work.
He didn't even go to work today, Marilyn.
He's playing with that ham radio again.
They said they were taking inventory down at the parlor, and Uncle Herman's the only one who knows where things are.
Hello? This is W6XRL4 calling spaceship X-14.
Come in, please.
Come in, please.
[Switch Clicks] [Airwave Static] [Switch Clicks] X-14, X-14.
Come in, come in, wherever you are.
We were standin' here playing Martian last night, Pop, and those two big guys came along.
They had on real scary masks and yelled at us, and one of them was carrying a big stick.
Why, they oughta be ashamed of themselves.
One thing I can't stand is a wise guy bully.
Listen, Roger, I want [Herman Over Walkie-Talkie] Calling X-14.
Come in, please.
Come in, please.
That's the guy now, Pop.
Here, give me that thing.
This is X-14.
[Switch Clicks] Oh, I'm so very glad I got you.
It was very rude of you to run away last night.
[Switch Clicks] - Look, who is this? - [Switch Clicks] Why, I'm W6XRL4, one of the Earth people.
You sound very, uh, big.
Are you the head Martian? [Switch Clicks] Yeah, I'm the head Martian.
You know what I'm gonna do, buster? If I ever run into you, I'm gonna break your arm off and shove it down your throat! [Switch Clicks] Hmm.
Well-Well, you just can't do that, Mr.
Martian, because you don't know where I am.
So there.
Well, in that case, I guess I'll just have to blow up the planet Earth.
Oh, my goodness! Lily! Lily! Lily! The world's coming to an end.
And it's And it's all my fault.
[Whimpering] There, there, dear.
Herman? Lily? Is anybody home? Marilyn? Herman, what are you doing? Grandpa, the world's coming to an end, and we're hiding out till it's over.
Herman, will you let us out of here! He keeps talking about men from Mars blowing up the world.
It's true, Grandpa.
While you were out, I talked to the head Martian, and he got mad at me and started calling me names and said he was gonna blow up the world.
Herman, will you pipe down a minute and listen? That was no spaceship we found.
The air force identified it as a child's toy sold in every department store.
And those two Martians we saw? It wasn't them.
It was two kids playing spacemen.
- You're kidding.
- Kidding? Look.
"Made in Japan"? There you are, Herman.
No Martians, no spaceship, no end of the world.
Now what do you have to say for yourself? Well, that's the way the ball bounces.
[Airwave Static] [Switch Clicking] What's this, a delegation? We just came down here to get you away from that radio.
That's right, Herman.
It's caused us nothing but trouble.
Don't worry.
I'm just trying to get some music so I can relax.
Maybe Lawrence Welk or someone.
But, Uncle Herman [Man Over Radio] Come in, spaceport.
Come in, please.
This is spaceship Astro-70 calling Mars.
Calling Mars.
[Airwave Static] Hmm! Will you listen to that? [Switch Clicking] Hello, spaceship Astro-70.
Spaceship Astro-70.
This is Earth.
Lay off it, you big dummy! [Laughing] No one's gonna fool me the second time.
[Laughing] My, those Earth people are getting rude.