The Munsters (1964) s01e24 Episode Script

Love Locked Out

[ Car Horn Honks ] Ooh, my goodness! There's your carpool.
You'd really better hurry.
Yes, dear.
[ Laughing ] Just like the Old Country.
Does my heart good to see a man wolf his food.
Well, good-bye, everybody.
[ Together] Bye.
Good-bye, Lily.
Will you be home from the parlor early, dear? Oh.
Well, today we're having our annual office party.
Well, then be careful.
Uh, those office parties can get a little wild.
Oh, y-you don't have to worry about me, dear.
I'm no watercooler Casanova.
As a matter of fact, I'm so square, I understand some of the secretaries are starting to refer to me as ""Herman the Cube.
'' Well, come home as soon as you can.
Eh, I'll be home at least by 6:30.
Uh, good-bye, all.
[ Together] Bye.
You think Munster's wife will let him stay for the office party tonight? We told him it would be over by 6:30-- that way she'll let him go.
Yeah, but it won't really get going till 9:00.
Old Herman will be lucky if he gets home by midnight.
Here he comes.
Hey, Mom, when's Dad coming home from work? He wasn't here for supper or anything.
Well, you see, Eddie, there are times when the social requirements of his job, and the morale of his fellow employees, require your father's presence after closing time.
Another office party, huh? Well, something like that.
Now, don't you think you'd better run along to bed? Okay.
Have you done everything? Have you put away your toys and brushed your fangs? Mm-hmm.
All right.
That's fine, Eddie.
Good night.
Don't forget Woof-Woof.
Oh, of course.
Good night, Grandpa.
Good night, Eddie.
Good night, Woof-Woof.
Good night.
Hey, Mom, can Spot sleep in my room tonight? All right, Eddie, but be careful.
He has a slight cold, and I don't want him to start sneezing and set fire to the drapes.
Good night.
Good night.
Come on, Spot! You get to sleep with me tonight.
[ Growls ] Good boy, Spot.
Ah, there's nothing more touching than a boy and his pet.
[ Footsteps Thudding ] [ Squawks ] [ Squawks ] Correction.
The bum ain't home yet.
Smart aleck.
Oh, I had no idea it was so late.
Now I'm really angry with Herman.
I'm going to call him up again and tell him off.
[ Phone Ringing ] [ Crowd ] ? Camptown ladies sing this song? ?Doo-dah? Hello? This is Lily.
What do you mean, ""Lily who''? This is your wife! Oh, Lily! I'm, uh, I'm glad you called, dear.
? Oh, doo-dah day? Do you know the lyrics to the second chorus of""Shortenin' Bread''? ? Doo-dah, doo-dah ? ?Doo-dah, doo-dah? Herman Munster! I have had enough of this! You come right home this-- ? Oh, doo-dah day? Now what was that, Lily? [ Woman ] Come on back, Hermie baby.
! Eh, coming, Miss Haversham.
- Oh, what was that, dear? - [ Grunts ] Lily? ??[ Continues ] Lily! Guess we were cut off.
??[ Ends ] Say, do you fellas know ""Moonlight on the Ganges''? Grandpa, I'm not gonna wait around here any longer.
If that cornball Caruso calls back, you tell him I've gone to bed! Oh, I'm so mad I could chew nails! Eh, Lily, be my guest.
Thank you.
[ Crunching ] [ Herman ] ?Doo-dah, doo-dah? [ Chuckling ] ? Camptown races doo-dah-doo ? ? Doo-doo, doo-doo doo-dah, doo ?? Grandpa? Grandpa? Grandpa! Oh, Herman, it's you.
Hi, Grandpa.
I guess I must have dozed off while I was hanging around waiting for you.
Where's Lily? Oh, she's upstairs waiting for you.
Oh, good.
I had such a good time at the party.
I'm gonna go upstairs and tell her all about it.
[ Chuckles ] You know, let her in on the fun.
[ Chuckles ] Whoopee! [ Laughing ] Well, there he goes.
In the mood she's in, she's liable to tear him apart.
Well, lucky I'm good at jigsaw puzzles.
I'd better get upstairs and hit the slab before the trouble starts.
?? [ Humming ""Camptown Races'' ] Hmm.
That's funny.
The door must be stuck.
Lily? ? Herman's come back home to stay? ? Doo-dah, doo-dah ? [ Laughs ] Lily? I guess she's not in there.
She's in there, all right.
Lily? Baby.
I-It's Hermie.
Now-- O-O-Open the door like a good little wifey.
No more teasing.
Pussycat wanna go sleepy-bye.
Well, pussycat can just go sleepy-bye on the living room couch! [ Snoring ] [ Grunting ] [ Laughing ] E-Eh, Lily, stop it.
N-No matter what you do, I'm not coming upstairs.
Lily! Lily! [ Growls ] Oh.
[ Growling ] Cute kitty.
[ Soft Tapping ] What's that? It's that leaky faucet in the kitchen.
I'll just ignore it.
[ Tapping Continues ] [ Groaning ] I'll shut it off.
[ Crashes ] What? I'd better light a match.
John Wayne never has that trouble.
[ Tapping Continues ] [ Creaks ] [ Groans ] [ Creaking ] [ Gasps, Screams ] [ Squeaking ] [ Yelling ] Help! Help! Help! Help! Oh, good heavens! Help! Help! Help.
! Help.
! Help.
! Help.
! Help.
! Pop, what happened? Help.
! H-Herman, Herman, wh-what's the matter? A mouse! There was a big, mean-looking mouse, and he was after me.
Herman, will you come down from there? Come down! He made a face at me-- and he showed his teeth and everything.
Herman, look, he's all gone.
Will you please go to sleep and don't worry about anything? Don't be scared, Pop.
Me and Grandpa will be right upstairs.
That's right, son.
Now-Now, get along.
Get along to bed.
[ Groans ] Come on, Eddie.
[ Screams ] [ Grandpa ] Good night.
Oh, good night.
Oh, where is everybody? Everybody's had breakfast and gone off to school.
Grandpa, would you mind telling me why this person is sitting at my table? I'm waiting for breakfast.
Would you tell this person that everybody who was going to get breakfast already had breakfast.
Lily, I'm hungry! Eh, as husband, father and head of the household, I demand breakfast! What's this? Prune pits.
Three of them.
One for the father, one for the husband and one for the head of the house.
Eh-- Grandpa, what am I going to do? I can't spend the rest of my married life sleeping on the couch and eating prune pits.
Herman, if you give in now, she'll have the upper hand forever.
[ Cackles ] But, if you hold out, she'll come around.
That's the way to handle women! Mmm.
[ Crunching ] What are you doing? Well,just in case she doesn't come around, I'm gonna get used to eating prune pits.
Grandpa, this is the fourth night in a row I've slept down here! When is Lily gonna give in? Herman, I hate to say it, but I think we're licked.
[ Chuckles ] I'm afraid you just don't have the personality and warmth you used to have.
In other words, my boy, in that great furnace known as romance, your pilot light has gone out.
Grandpa, you certainly have a way with words.
Thank you.
But how am I gonna turn up the burner? Wait.
I think I have the answer.
Read this.
""Is your marriage shaky? ""Headed for the rocks? ""See Dr.
Harvey Baxter, M.
, Marriage Counselor.
Broken hearts made whole.
'' Ah, Grandpa.
Me go to a marriage counselor? [ Chuckles ] Marilyn, me go to a marriage counselor? Yes.
Well, you and Uncle Herman are getting farther apart every day.
And neither of you are going to give in.
I think it's the only solution.
[ Scoffs ] I wouldn't know who to go to.
Well, Aunt Lily, I read an ad in the paper this morning, and so I called and I made an appointment for you for tomorrow.
The man's name is Dr.
Harvey Baxter.
All right, I'll try on one condition-- that your Uncle Herman never knows.
Now, as I was saying, my name is Mrs.
Mu-- No names, please.
I find that people are less inhibited if they remain anonymous.
Now then, what is your problem? Well, to begin with, Doctor, I'm married.
Don't be ashamed of it.
Virtually every person who's walked through that door has made the same mistake.
Now, tell me something about your background.
- For instance, where were you born? - Transylvania.
My father is a count.
And your husband? No count.
Uh, bitterness is not the answer.
I meant, where was he born? Oh, my husband was made, Doctor, not born.
Oh, oh, yes, of course.
That's, that's fine.
Every woman should think her husband is a self-made man.
Oh, he had help.
Now, madam, tell me, is there another woman? No, the doctor quit after Herman.
Well, e-exactly what is the cause of your domestic trouble? Well, it all started down at his place of employment.
Ah, that is a familiar complaint.
The wife neglected for the job.
I suppose he just buries himself in his work.
Oh, no, no.
Not Herman.
Although there have been a few close calls.
You see, Doctor, the trouble started when they had this party down at the office.
He didn't get home until after 1 2:00.
Aha! This is an old story to me.
Ah, the gay playboy husband.
But, fortunately, there is an easy solution.
You must go home and apologize immediately.
Me, apologize? I'm not the one who came home in the middle of the night and sang ""doo-dah, doo-dah'' through the keyhole.
If you take the first step, it will put the burden squarely on his shoulders, and he will realize what a loving, forgiving wife you are.
Well, I'll try it.
But, remember, you must assume the role of peacemaker and be the first to forgive and forget.
Uh, Doctor, I think your secretary's taking a sunbath.
Uh, she jumped out the window and ran up the fire escape to the roof.
Good heavens, man, what happened to you? Well, you see, my wife and I have had a fight.
You-- You should have defended yourself, man.
No one should stand still and take a beating like that.
Nobody hit me.
You mean there's been no physical violence? No, Doctor.
My problems are purely emotional.
Yes, that's obvious.
Sit down.
Oh, thank you.
Now, uh, let's begin at the beginning.
Well, my wife has locked me out of the bedroom and won't let me in.
But has she done anything unusual? U-Uh, no, you don't understand, Doctor.
She's not only locked me out of the bedroom, she won't feed me.
Eh, she won't even speak to me.
What was the cause of the quarrel? Oh.
Well, a few evenings ago I stayed out rather late for business reasons.
Uh, when I got home, my wife was disturbed.
She rejected me and made me sleep downstairs on the couch.
And, Doctor, for the last four days, the only thing I've had my arms around is a Woof-Woof.
My advice to you is this-- that you go home at once and apologize.
- Apologize? - Exactly.
At any cost you must be the one to take the first step toward reconciliation.
Do not allow your wife to assume the role of peacemaker.
Lily, I want to talk to you.
And I want to talk to you too, darling.
There's something I want to tell you, dear.
Oh, I'll be glad to listen, but I want to tell you something first.
Uh, Lily, dear, if you don't mind, could I tell you what I want to tell you before you tell me what you want to tell me? Eh-Eh, no, dear.
You let me go first, because what I have to say will save our marriage.
Uh, Lily, if anyone's gonna save our marriage, I'm gonna save our marriage.
Oh, no you're not.
Lily, all I'm trying to do is say I'm sorry and apologize.
You apologize? B-But you can't apologize to me before I have a chance to apologize to you.
Lily, all I want to be is the peacemaker.
You the peacemaker? Oh, you big dummy! I'm going to be the peacemaker, so get that through your thick head! Lily, will you pipe down while I'm trying to be sweet and apologize? Ooh.
That does it! I'm not gonna sit around here a-and be apologized to by a poor insensitive oaf!.
Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily! I-I'm sleeping in our bed tonight.
I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! [ Whimpers ] Fiddlesticks! Oh.
Thank you, son.
Oh, Grandpa, why do you keep fooling around with that when we have such a serious problem on our hands? [ Chuckles ] Because, my dear, this is going to solve the problem.
This is a formula for instant measles.
Wait a minute.
Who's gonna have the measles? You are.
But they're synthetic.
No fever.
No scratching.
Just two happy parents reunited.
? Dee-da, da-da, la-da ?? Okay, Eddie, there you go.
You mean I have to drink this stuff? Drink it? [ Chuckles ] What do you mean, drink it? ?? [ Humming ] - Do you think that'll work? - Certainly.
When Herman and Lily think their little boy is sick, they'll be so worried it'll bring them back together.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, Grandpa, you're a psychologist.
No, I'm not.
It's a trick I learned from watching old Shirley Temple movies.
Herman! Herman, come quickly! It's Eddie! [ Footsteps Approaching ] Coming, dear.
! Coming.
! Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily, what is it!? Oh, I brought him in here, Herman.
Look! Now, Lily, dear, don't panic.
Herman's here.
We'll think of something together.
Oh, but look at his face.
[ Crashes ] Ooh.
Oh, Herman.
Oh, you're so kind and sweet and precious and adorable.
And-And sometimes you're a goofball, but I love you.
Oh, Lily, say that again.
U-Uh, um, but this time, dear, leave out ""goofball.
'' It is wonderful-- one minute alone with Grandpa and his measles disappeared.
Not one single mark on that sweet little face.
Oh, it's miraculous.
No, Lily, I understand it perfectly.
Eddie's measles were psychosomatic-- the result of worrying about us quarreling.
[ Chuckles ] Well, he'll never have to worry about that again, will he, pussycat? Never! No more office parties for me.
From now on, I'm having all my fun right here at home! [ Laughs ] ?? [ Organ ] ? Camptown ladies sing this song ? ? Doo-dah, doo-dah ? ? Camptown racetrack five miles long ? ? Oh, doo-dah day? ? Gwine to run all night ? ? Gwine to run all day? ? Bet my money on a bobtail nag ? ? Somebody bet on the bay??