The Nanny s01e08 Episode Script

Okay, kids, everyone go upstairs and hang up your skates, and don't forget to put your wet clothes in the hamper.
No wet clothes for you, Miss Fine? I didn't fall.
/ She didn't skate.
And yet such a lovely ensemble.
Oh, you should see what I wear when I don't play tennis.
Oh, cranberries on a string.
How beautiful.
I wonder who thought of this tradition? / Probably Ocean Spray.
Niles, you old scrooge.
Get into the Christmas spirit.
Spoken by one who doesn't have to clean it all up.
Oh, that's the thing about Hanukkah.
Eight candles and a menorah.
No fuss, no muss.
Is it too late to convert? / Never.
We'll get you a bar mitzvah, and of course a circumcision.
Suddenly I'm filled with the Christmas spirit.
My first real Christmas tree.
I'm so excited.
Miss Fine, what on earth are you doing? / I'm putting on the tinsel.
Not before the lights! / Is that a faux pas? Lights first, ornaments second, and tinsel is always last.
Father is very anal about his tree trimming.
Well, one year we begged my mother for a Christmas tree.
She called it a Hanukkah bush.
P.
S.
, the candles from the menorah set the flocking on fire and the fumes put my father into the emergency room.
A variation on the burning bush classic.
My mother took the whole thing as a sign from God, and from there on in, we spend every Christmas at the Fountainbleu in Miami Beach.
To this day I can't get a whiff of Ban d' Solei without having a yen for eggnog.
Sir.
Oh, Niles, splendid.
Thank you very much.
All right, everyone, stand by.
Three, two, one.
Oh / Beautiful.
Niles, I, I thought we agreed twinkle lights? / Here.
Oh Miss Fine, I, I know it's a holiday, and this is a bit of an imposition, but um, would it be at all possible for you to work on Christmas Day? Oh, are you kidding? To be part of a real Christmas, it's a dream come true.
You see, I'm gonna be in D.
C.
I'm producing a benefit for the Kennedy Center.
You won't be home for Christmas? / He's never home for Christmas.
Oh now, Grace, we've been through all this.
I'm gonna be raising money for children less fortunate than we are.
Yeah, but keep laying the guilt.
We'll get better presents.
Brighton, I'm not canceling it altogether.
We'll simply celebrate it a day early.
He's moving Christmas? You can do that? They do it for Washington's birthday.
/ Well, I never got that either.
I mean, you go to all that trouble fathering a nation and before you know it, you're sharing the third Monday in February with Lincoln and a white sale.
Hey, I know; why don't we make out our list for Santa and then we can bring it to him when we go get our picture taken.
We already did that.
/ Yeah, but I came out a little bloated.
Isn't that cute? She still believes in Santa.
Honey, I believe in anyone that delivers.
Yeah, well, we believe in Edna.
Edna Clause? Would that be the Mrs.
? No, Fran, she's Daddy's personal shopper.
She buys all our gifts.
Oh, so what you're saying is you give Edna your list and she gives it to Santa.
Please, Fran, I wasn't born yesterday.
If you did believe in Santa, what would you want him to bring you? Daddy for Christmas.
Oh Well, how 'bout a nice Easy Bake oven? No? All right, I'll see what I could do.
Oh, Niles, those poor kids, and that Gracie is the anti-Claus.
I gotta go talk to Mister Sheffield.
Well, I hope you're not going to upset him.
He's writing out the staff Christmas bonuses.
Oh, how do you know? / Well, did you think the keyholes polish themselves? So the nanny gets a bonus, too? Oh, that's good news, because you know, I really wanted to buy each of the kids something fabulous.
But have you seen the cost of fabulous nowadays? Please.
I can't even afford wonderful.
Fortunately, Mister Sheffield is very generous.
Well, if he thinks that writing a check is gonna make up for his not being here Four figures, Miss Fine.
/ Oh, well, glory to the newborn king.
Maxwell, look what I'm standing under.
Isn't that mistletoe? I'm not sure.
It looks rather like holly.
It's mistletoe.
And I do believe tradition calls for a kiss.
All right.
Merry Christmas, Nanny Fine.
Oops, I got some lipstick on your cheek.
/ Oh, for heaven's sake Meanwhile that shade looks gorgeous on you.
Oh, Mister Sheffield, do you really have to go out of town for the holidays? Yes, he does.
/ I love the way you throw your voice like that.
I'm afraid I have to, Miss Fine.
It's a very important benefit.
We're raising money for the Who are we raising money for? The poor, right? Miss Fine, I'd love to be with the family Christmas Day, but I'm afraid I just can't.
We can't.
You're going, too? / Uh-huh.
Well, we'll be working the entire time.
/ Well, I think we'll have time for dinner.
No.
No dinner.
The only reason I'm going away with Miss Babcock is for charity.
Thank you, Maxwell.
Well, you know what I mean.
/ No.
No, I don't.
What do you need, to be hit over the head? Uh, yes, Miss Fine, was there anything else? Well, far be it for me to tell you how to do Christmas, but you're doing it all wrong.
The father's going out of town, the kids don't believe in Santa.
And I haven't seen one stinking partridge on a pear tree.
Yeah, well, well that's why we're moving it up a day.
And I want it to be very special this year, so I told my personal shopper to pull out all the stops.
And that's another thing.
This woman doesn't know our kids.
A personal shopper is so impersonal, although not a bad career choice.
Well, I have an interesting idea.
During those many hours when the children are away at school / Yeah? and you basically have nothing to do.
/ I fill my days.
Why don't you get their gifts? That's not the worst idea.
I mean, you would know what they want.
Don't you wanna pick out your own presents? Oh, Mister Sheffield, if it were me I would much rather get a gift that you personally picked out.
A gift from the heart means so much more.
Well, I suppose I could find time to pop into F.
A.
O.
Schwarz.
Trust me.
Whatever you pick out they will love and cherish forever.
Just make sure it's returnable.
Oh, I got the kids great stocking stuffers.
/ Are you putting up a stocking? No, I figured I'd put up my pantyhose.
That way I'll get double.
/ Fran Hello, ladies.
/ Hi.
Looks like somebody else went shopping besides us.
Oh, yes.
We had a wonderful time.
Children laughing, people passing, meeting smile after smile.
He's been doing that all day.
So, what do you think of Brighton's bicycle? Who designed it? Picasso? Yeah, well, well it's not finished yet.
The salesman said that serious cyclers like to build the equipment themselves.
Hmm They saw him coming.
Well, if you need a few pointers, Val here is very mechanical.
I'm a plumber's daughter.
Well, thank you, Val, but, uh, I'm a grown man.
I, I think I should be able to assemble a child's bicycle.
Oh, hey, may the testosterone be with you.
Look at this great sweater that I got.
Isn't it perfect for Maggie? I got great stuff for everyone.
I hope Brighton likes Aramis.
What did you do? Win the lottery? I wish.
More like rubber checks.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna let them bounce.
Tomorrow I'll get my Christmas bonus.
Saturday and Sunday the banks are closed.
Monday I'll make an instant deposit, and I've done my share to stimulate the economy.
Don't you have a credit card? Not since my little run in with Edward Scissorhands at Macy's.
Come on, everyone.
It's Merry Merry morning of the day before Christmas.
Oh, Grace, look.
Santa took a bite out of the cookies we left him.
I didn't know Santa wore red lipstick.
The man gets out of the house once a year, live and let live.
Fran, would you open my present first? Before the family? All right.
I hope you like it.
I made it myself.
I mean, it's okay if you don't.
/ Honey, I'll love it.
Because a gift from the heart is worth more than the present itself.
Right, Mister Sheffield? Absolutely, Miss Fine.
Ohhh It's a pajama holder.
/ Ohhh And I don't already have one.
Because you don't wear any pajamas.
You have polished your last keyhole, mister.
Thanks, Mags.
I love it.
Dad, I love my What is this? It's a bicyclekit.
Bicycle kit? Oh well, half the fun of owning a bicycle is building it yourself.
And this is from me.
Oh, gee, guys, you shouldn't have.
He really wanted Cindy Crawford.
/ At least she's built.
Oh, Daddy, The Screamer.
Thank you.
Well, I'm glad you like it, sweetheart.
And I, I hope you understand why I can't be here tomorrow.
I understand.
/ There's my big girl.
Merry Christmas, sweetheart.
/ Merry Christmas, Daddy.
No hidden hostility there.
So, Niles, what can I say? Year in, year out, you're a friend indeed.
Thank you and Merry Christmas.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Oh, Mister Sheffield, more than generous.
It's hard to express just how much I deserve this.
Well, you're welcome.
And, Miss Fine.
/ Yeah? Miss Fine, your contribution to our family has not gone unnoticed.
Oh, I think I'm gonna cry.
Thank you and Merry Christmas.
What's this? Your Christmas present.
I gave it a lot of thought.
I picked it out myself.
Ohhh Ohhh Me and my big mouth.
Niles, will you come visit me in debtors prison? Miss fine, you should be flattered that Mister Sheffield got you a gift.
I've never known him to give a staff member anything but a check.
Well who the hell needed that distinction? You know, it really is a lovely vase.
Gorgeous.
But will it fit through an automated teller? Niles, if you ever catch me shopping again, I want you to just slap me upside the head.
Oh, Maggie, you're wearing the new sweater I got you? Already? Oh, I just love it.
It's the most beautiful sweater I've ever seen.
Oh, isn't that sweet? You didn't cut the tag off, did you? Yes.
Why? Oh.
That's okay, that's okay.
I got the receipt.
Fran, I'm keeping this sweater.
I love it.
/ No, you don't.
Yes, I do, because you gave it to me.
Remember what you said? A gift from the heart.
Oh, all right.
Wear it in good health.
Go.
Now what am I gonna do? Well, that offer to lend you the money still stands.
Oh, Niles, I consider you my friend, so I'll be frank.
I'm not good for it.
Well, it is a perfect piece to start one's personal art collection.
Thanks.
It should go great next to my limbo trophy from Club Med.
What you got? Something I can unload? A VCR? A nice semi-automatic weapon? Paulie, don't you know a valuable antique when you see it? This here is practically Elizabethan.
Elizabeth Taylor? / No.
Liz the queen.
Uh, no can do.
If you said Elizabeth Montgomery, you know "Bewitched", then I can do it.
Oh, Paulie, will you please buy the vase? The woman owes the world.
She's desperate.
We'll take anything.
And that, Val, is why you cannot find a partner for Bridge.
Cheer up, honey.
Look, my favorite, "It's A Wonderful Life".
I've already seen it six times.
/ Today.
Well, there's a Christmas special on the shopping channel.
Call now and you can own "It's A Wonderful Life" at a wonderful price.
Yuk.
Can you believe that? Although, for nine ninety-five it is a classic.
Niles, did you remember my attache? / Yes, sir.
And my carry on? / Always, sir.
Well, it seems we have everything.
/ Maxwell? Oops, I guess I did forget one old bag.
Daddy, I wish you could come to church with us.
Do you really have to go? / Oh, sweetheart, I'm afraid I have to.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
I'll miss all of you.
Bye, Dad.
/ Merry Christmas, Daddy.
Can't we come with you? / No.
I mean, oh, wouldn't that be fun? But we're gonna be working round the clock.
I'm afraid she's right, Gracie.
I mean, even if you came with me, I'd hardly see you.
You'll have a lot more fun here.
At least he only has to work Christmas.
My sister is a caterer, she has to work every single holiday.
Thank God we fast on Yon Kipper or we'd never see her.
Thank you for that, Miss Fine.
And I hope you enjoy the vase.
/ Huh? Yes, it, it reminded me of you.
One of a kind with just the right accent.
You've been a, a wonderful addition to our family and I hope you cherish the vase as the children cherish you.
/ Oh.
Merry Christmas, Miss Fine.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, Niles, would you watch the kids for while? I gotta go by a vase.
You know, every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.
Who cares? Yeah? Oh, Paulie, I want my vase back.
Fran, you can't do this.
How you gonna pay your bills? Oh, I'll think of something.
That little vase is the most meaningful gift I've ever received in my whole life.
Oh well, except of course for the Polaroid Swinger you gave me for graduation.
Well, I was gonna say.
Where's my money? Uh, Paulie, would you take my watch for the same two hundred? Fran, that's your grandmother's watch.
She gave that to you on her deathbed.
Thank you, Val, you're making this a lot easier.
Well, that's terrible, Niles.
Yeah, well, thank you for telling me.
Yes, Merry Christmas to you, too, old man.
What? Well, I gave Miss Fine a vase in lieu of a check and apparently she's just had to pawn her grandmother's watch to pay for the presents she had already bought for the children.
Oh, that's tragic.
It's positively dickensian.
Oh well.
Wish there was something I could do.
But there's no time.
Our flight leaves in ten minutes.
Flight eight fifty-one going to Washington Dulles International Airport will be delayed three hours.
C.
C.
, I'll be back in time, I promise.
Maxwell, what if you miss the plane? What about all those poor unfortunate people who are counting on us? If you ring that bell one more time, I'll ring your neck Santa.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Silent night, holy night.
Miss Fine, you're late.
I'm sorry.
But I don't have my watch anymore.
Remember? Oh, this place is magnificent.
Did I miss anything? / Here.
This oughta bring you up to date.
Wow, look at the crowds at the confessional.
Boy, there were shorter lines in Gift Wrap at Macy's.
It's been a rough year for everyone.
/ Hmm, tell me about it.
I got a few things I can get off my chest.
Say, Niles, can anyone go to the confessionals, or is it more like the home club? You in a confessional? I'd pay good money to see that.
Excuse me.
All is calm, all is bright.
Where's Fran going? Grace wants to know where Fran's going? What's with Fran? / She's gone to confess.
She went to play chess.
She went to undress.
Forgive me, Father, for I have shopped.
Gee, I don't know the penance for that.
I suppose you could say ten Hail Macy's.
Good one, Padre.
Oh, these benches are really uncomfortable.
I guess you don't want people to stay long, huh? Stay as long as you like.
I'm on till midnight.
Father Donahue got Christmas week off.
Again.
I know how you feel.
I'm working Christmas myself.
And I was really looking forward to it, too, but now it's just gonna be awful.
I mean, the father is in Washington, and the kids don't believe in Santa.
I'm in hock up to my ears.
I just don't know what to do.
I hear the Fountainbleu is nice this time of year.
At least Father Donahue says it is.
Oh, Father, you have more experience at this than I do.
Does Christmas ever live up to one's expectations? That depends on what one expects.
Oh, you're good.
You see, that's why they shop Father Donahue off to Florida and you're working Saint Patty's Christmas Eve.
There's someone in here.
Miss, Miss, Miss Fine, it's me.
May, may I come in? Oh, Mister Sheffield.
What are you doing here? Well, my flight was delayed.
Look, Miss Fine, Niles told me how I got you in trouble.
You've been so generous toward me and, and the children, and you've really made us a very special Christmas this year, and I don't see why it should cost you your grandmother's watch.
Oh, Mister Sheffield.
And I got the name of the pawnshop from Val.
Oh, I don't know what to say.
This isn't my grandmother's watch.
What? Oh, dear.
I seem to have really made a mess of things.
Oh, don't feel bad.
At least I still have my beautiful Ow! Oh, I'm so sorry, Mister Sheffield.
That's quite all right, Miss Fine.
It's not so much the pain as the humiliation.
Oh, well now there's nothing to be humiliated about.
Although they really should get backs for these gowns.
I hope C.
C.
will be able to handle the benefit by herself.
Well, she should be in the air by now.
Oh, there go the friendly skies.
Gracie, don't decorate Father.
Oh, that's all right.
Let me go! It's Christmas Eve and I've got things to do! Don't you know who I am?! Yes, we do.
And we've been good all year.
Why don't you be good and lie still till the medication kicks in? What happened to him? / Some lady at the airport knocked him out with his own bell.
And my ears are still ringing.
Thank you, Santa, for all my Christmas presents.
What are you thanking him for? / Yeah, I thought you didn't believe in Santa Claus? Well I do now because my Christmas wish came true.
What wish, sweetheart? / That you'd be with us for Christmas.
Oh Funny.
That was my wish, too.
Oh, isn't this a positive way to look at this disaster? Oh listen, it's Christmas.
Oh, and we're altogether, and we're happy, and we're healthy.
Well, most of us.
Merry Christmas.
/ Merry Christmas.
Say, maybe we should invite the old man.
No one should be alone on Christmas.
Hey, Santa, are you decent? Funny.
Ah! Where'd he go? Ho, ho, ho, ho I gotta lie down.
And a partridge in a pear tree.
Oh, that's a weird song.
I mean, five golden rings I can understand.
Ten lords a leaping, I am there.
But what's with all the birds? I mean, French hens, turtle doves, six geese a laying.
Who wants to see that? Miss Fine! Happy holidays.
/ And thanks for watching.